Ramblings

Late fall last year I was in a really terrible place. We were feuding with our neighbor, putting our house on the market, job shifts/changes at my work, stress with Kent's mom and the looming of where we were going to go.

I was so tired of the complaining. I was feeling awful about myself and really didn't want to even think about how my life felt like it was unraveling.

I've lost touch with those blogs that I loved to read. I have my blog closed, but I think it is fine to have it open. There is nothing that terrible that I write about. I don't really tell anyone about this blog, it was mainly for myself.

On that note....things are still in a bit of troubled spot for me personally. We did sell our home and moved into a townhouse in late November. It was fine for the time being, and Carter loved having all of those stairs to crawl up and down. Kent was itching to start looking for a new home for us in early January. The process was frustrating as Seattle does have one of the few markets that is doing well. We were downsizing into a smaller, less expensive home, so it became quite competitive. We ended up closing on a major fixer-upper in March in the Ballard area of Seattle. The block we live on is great, we are so pleased to be out of Magnolia.

In the process of now trying to remodel this new home, and live it in at the same time, we've been dealing with tough things. Kent's mom, who is severe bi-polar, went manic for about 6 months. It was awful, there is no other way to say it. I feared her finding our new home and the havoc she would cause us. I was so close to putting a restraining order against her. She threatened me constantly as I would not allow her to see Carter. This was a tough decision, but I am a mother first, and he is my priority.

We also had a miscarriage in early Feb that has been really tough to deal with. Knowing how hard it is for me to get pregnant, this was really tough. I've kept it a secret and have dealt with it the best I can. We are actively trying and pumping me full of clomid, trigger shots and IUI's. I'm trying to stay positive, but I really need to be over with this phase in my life. I am quite challenging on the fertility drugs, and to be honest, we don't need any more challenges.

I'm not even going to talk about my weight. It is out of control. Bottom line.

As I write these things, I am trying to remind myself that 2012 might just be my year of bumps and hopeful triumphs. To move 2x in a 7 month period with a baby is no easy task. I haven't had a kitchen to cook in for 3 months now. I don't consider a hot plate in the laundry room as a kitchen, but we are doing the best we can. The only positive thought I have been trying to hold onto is this: for years the only thing I really wanted when I "grew up" was to be a mom and a wife. I have a husband who loves me, even when I'm tough to love and a son who is awesome. I love these 2 people and have so much gratitude that they are in my life.

I have not been good about photos. There has been so little time and I've been in the dumps. Carter is almost 22 months and all boy. He is not into smiling anymore or posing for shots like he was last year. I love him though with all my heart.

Love hate relationship

I have a love hate relationship with time. Some days I feel like superwoman and I have conquer the world. Other days I feel like there is no time to do things I enjoy or even those I don't. For instance, my blog. I might not be a blogger anymore. It's not that I don't have anything to say. Maybe it's more that I haven't been taking the time to do it. I worry about my lack of time and how much of it I want to spend with Carter. Being a full time working mom is not easy. My work day is packed and I no longer have a private office. So the thought of coming home, cleaning the house, feeding Carter and Kent, cleaning up, getting Carter ready for bed and then maybe write a quick blog seems daunting. Here's the thing though. As I looked back on my blog, particularly in the early days of it, I am bummed now at my lack of recent blogging. It has been so fun to relook at this time through these pages. So now I am torn, to keep blogging or not to keep blogging? My blog is private, so I can sort of write anything I like. Plus I looked again at archiving my blog through blog2print and it actually put the pages in a better format than years past. So...maybe I will try again to keep this archive going.

October 2011 has been an overwhelming month. My sweet little Carter had his first birthday. I have no photos to prove it yet, as good friends of ours documented the day, but I have a strong feeling it could be months before I get the pics. They feel things need to be perfect before they show me. It was an awesome party, with 50+ people, food that I made myself and joy for all. It almost killed me, but it was worth it. How often does your baby celebrate their first year! Here are a few sneak peeks they sent me.


My favorite so far!


He is such a thinker....


The giant cupcake I made him!

Besides celebrating this awesome time with Carter we have also found ourselves in the middle of craziness by putting our house on the market. It was a tough decision and it is a little weird not knowing what will be happening. This house has been a curse at times and a blessing. We are comfortable in it finally, but the payment is huge and we are wanting to downsize. It will be hard to give up, but I think it is the right thing to do. It has been on the market now for 10 days. There has been quite a bit of interest in it, even though it is a tough time to sell. Actually...I take that back- HOLY SHIT---Kent just called me and somebody has put an offer on my house. My crazy house that has been on the market for 10 days. Whoa, who knows what in the heck is going to happen now.

The world works in mysterious ways. Last night Kent and I discussed that we were going to just go with the flow and know that whatever happens will happen for our benefit. Yikes, I'm too freaked out to think right now....more to come!

Fresh beginning

I wish I could say there was this incredible reason why I chose to stop blogging and took it one step further and make my blog private. In all honesty, I felt like I couldn't be honest. There is nothing traumatic happening to Kent or I. I feel like we are on a good path, but there are some definite changes on our horizon. I have really focused over this past year on being "real." I wanted an authentic experience when I wrote about my day or an event, not something I had to reword for sake of someone discovering my blog.

Over the past few months I've had some serious doubts about my job, even though I have worked there for 10+ years. Knowing that I might soon be faced with looking for a job, I needed to clean up my online world. Plus, I'm tired of not being able to really say what I want to. You have no clue who is reading your blog and I my forum has never wanted to be one of inspiration. It's just my life, as big or small as it may appear to those who do read what I write.

Life is good though, it really is. I'm really starting to tackle my fears of life again. Fear of debt, fear of losing my job, working on my insecurities about myself. It has been very eye opening and difficult, but in my heart I know that I am capable of handling whatever comes to me. I don't consider myself to be religious, but I am spiritual. I am in a really good place right now and I'm actually glad that I finally found the courage to face some of my fears head on. I don't want to live my life in denial and I'm over trying to fix situations that I have no control over.

What I do have control over is loving my family, loving my friends and taking good care of myself. I'm excited about what is potential over the next 6-18 months. Kent and I are trying to get pregnant again, which is a really mixed bag of emotions for me. I'm so grateful that I have my little Carter though, as it really does make the waiting game and unknown significantly more manageable. I'm looking forward to celebrating Carter's 1st birthday next week-end. I really can't believe it has been a year. I love him more than I can explain.

Here is to new beginnings!

Figuring things out

I know I have been absent. I've had quite a bit of things going on personally that I haven't felt comfortable sharing to the open world. The more I process why I started to blog the more I realize I'm more interested in processing my thoughts, but not necessarily for all the world to see. Is my blog popular, not in the least. Is it something someone could easily find if they wanted too..potentially. I'm thinking at this point I have one of two options. Completely delete the blog, or take it into the private land only. Private land here I come.

I have enjoyed blogging in the past and the few people who do read my blog I have enjoyed following theirs as well. So if anyone would like to continue reading updates I might have, please email me at lisadavis08@gmail.com and I will add you to whatever special list it takes. (-:

Hope everyone is well. I can't believe tomorrow is October 1st.

HMMMMM.....

It feels like forever since I have posted anything. Most of it is a lack of a computer and time, but now I have both on my side (the time for a short while longer). This week I have been plagued by "crap" filling my brain and it has really robbed me lately of my joy. I'd like to think that it is because my period is in full gear, but I know it is so much more. I'm running on empty again, and when I do that it only leads to a downward spiral.

There are so many good things that have happened lately. We have pretty much worked out our property line dispute and Kent and I have both come to terms that this is not the house for us. We have fought constantly about it, but in the end, I think it is strangely going to bring us closer. I know I resented this property and him for putting me through the hell of remodeling it in the height of my pregnancy and maternity leave with Carter. I know that Kent feels bad that this house and neighborhood have been such a bummer as he literally has put months and months of his precious time into it to create an awesome space for our family. I love that Kent takes such pride in his homes and isn't like the typical contractor who never finishes his projects. I worry that Kent doesn't get enough down time but now I know he is determined to get the few lingering projects done in the house so that we can put it on the market next April. Only time will tell how the market is and I am doing my best not to stress about it. If we sell it, than fine, and if we don't, that is also fine. It is a beautiful home and I am comfortable in it, regardless of how much I might complain about how little sunlight we get or the incredible amount of bugs. This is life though. We could be homeless.

Kent took a big step this past 4th of July and we flew down to Reno/Lake Tahoe and saw his Father for the first time in 13 years. Kent and his dad had a falling out years ago and they have not spoken or seen each other in all of this time. Kent was the adult in all of this (which I am super impressed by) and he reached out to his dad around Christmas time by sending him Carter's announcement and a quick letter. Through a few emails we learned his dad is developing dementia and I kept persuading Kent that we needed to go see his dad. Kent wasn't quite ready to, but I had the time off and I turned it into a little vacation as well. We ended up meeting them (Kent's dad and his wife of 20+years) at a small Cafe in Reno. I felt nervous when we got off the plane that I was pushing Kent too much and that this was going to open a pandora's box of sorts. The breakfast/meeting went great. It was perfect in my opinion. The glue that held everything together was Carter, he really does bring joy to everyone. During breakfast Kent left to use the restroom and I watched his dad eye's follow him. His dad then said something to the effect of, "Kent is grown." He then stumbled to say that he was older, but not old. Everyone at that table knew though what he meant. Kent and his dad have missed out on Kent essentially turning into a man. Kent has had multiple businesses, houses and now he has a wife and a son. I saw it in his dad's eyes and it really took everything in me to not get emotional. We took some pictures at the end and I saw Kent's dad tear up a bit and hug Kent and tell him he loved him. I don't care what comes out of this relationship at this point. I don't think this is the last time we will see Kent's dad, but I feel like it was important for both of them to leave the past in the past and move on. After breakfast we left Reno and drove to Lake Tahoe. We had a great time. Kent's cousin and his wife joined us and we rented a house in South Lake Tahoe and enjoyed the lake, the beach and good food. It was a really fun vacation.


Carter at the beach


 
Carter did have a good time on the boat, but he was not in the mood for a family photo

Now that I have a about a week left a vacation before I return to my daily work schedule I'm trying to pick myself out of this funk and come up with a new attitude. I'm feeling sensitive about my life, my connections with people and the true honesty of them. Again, I'm terribly hormonal, and I'm trying to remind myself of that but something just feels off. My brain is firing crap and bringing up some much junk to contemplate. I haven't felt like this in quite awhile. I'm trying to process where it is coming from and I think it is a few things. I haven't really been taking good care of myself. Bootcamp is over and I'm not going to sign up for another session. Mentally I couldn't get over how behind I was in the pack. I remember when I use to be out front, but that was the old Lisa, the one with no baby and really no obligations. It is almost pathetic to care so much, but when you are fat your whole life and you feel judged by others, the last thing I really want to do is to be running around a track and having everyone (except for one person) be waiting for you as they finished their mile literally minutes before you. I was hoping I could find my inner Arnie (my little personal fitness go-getter) but he just wasn't there. What did show up is that embarrassed girl in gym class who couldn't do a pull-up and was terrified that somebody would see her weight. Besides sort of feeling like I am letter myself go I've been having huge insecurities about my ability to be a mom. I love Carter, love love love him. It is nothing to do with that. But I worry that I am not doing things right, that I don't know all of the science about caring for him or teaching him things. I feel like I have 2 full time jobs and Carter is losing. By time I come home from a long day at work I get really sad by the fact that someone else has raised him all day. Financially Kent and I both need to work full time, so being a stay at home mom is out of the question and I'm ok with that. I honestly think I couldn't stay at home 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and be a mom. I know myself well enough that I would go a little crazy and probably have resentment issues with Kent. Knowing these 2 things and I am trying to put a plan into place (in my brain) that allows me to give Carter, Kent and my own self enough time on a daily basis for all 3 of us to feel nurtured and loved. I know there is a balancing act that some days will be off, but I need to at least try.

The other big issue looming is the idea of trying to get pregnant again, I just don't want to go there. I love Carter and having him come into our lives is the best. The idea of the constant worry about getting pregnant and then having a healthy pregnancy is daunting. I am trying to stay positive and focus on the fact that we already have one healthy baby which mentally does help. I worry what another child will bring to our little threesome and if I can keep it all together. Plus I know I have so much weight to still lose and to get bitched at constantly by my OB/GYN is not my idea of fun. I might need to even switch OB/GYN's. Even just thinking about hearing about my weight is enough to set me over the edge. Somehow I am going to get through this though and Kent and I are going to have good things happen for us. We are a strong couple and we survived one round of infertility issues, we can do it again. We might even get lucky again and have a pregnancy that comes without too much intervention.

So today I am going to try to stop the negative thoughts and look around at all of the good.

Here's a few new photos of Carter that I just love....

The clouds are parting...

It has felt like a cloud has been looming over my head for quite awhile. Between the property line dispute, the disagreeing on how to handle the dispute, Carter teething, my personal desire to find some time and normalcy--it has been a struggle. I am happy to say though that things seem to be clearing.

I'm not happy that the fore mentioned dispute between my neighbor has happened, and is still happening. It did teach me a lot about how Kent and I manage situations. We both come at things from completely different angles. I am very alpha/research/ problem solve/confront and resolve. Kent is the nice guy, he does good in the world and expects it back. He is reasonable and agreeable and respects and hopes this of other. This was very frustrating to me at times, particularly when it seemed that this tactic was not working, but I now recognize that this is one of the many qualities I like about Kent.

This dispute also helped me figure out some priorities in my life. I was going, going and going and never really stopped to smell the roses. I was so pre-occupied and worried that weeks passed and I realized that I had been oblivious to those around me. I sort of was just moving with the motion of life, but not really experiencing or feeling it. For awhile I was so stressed that I was not eating as much, which is definitely not my normal tactic. Unfortunately my usage of food to calm/numb myself eventually won and I found myself choosing food often. I'm glad to say I have recognized these tendencies and I have made considerable waves in resolving things and finding peace. Kent and I have been on a pretty healthy pattern this past week and it feels great. I'm much more aware of what I am eating, why I am eating, how I feel etc. I'm making myself feel hunger more often than I am use to. This is just a process that I need to go through as I have felt so out of whack. I'm looking forward to the positive results.

With the above healthy eating plans I'm also putting it out there to everyone, including myself, that I need a little Lisa time. I was trying to explain to my baby group that I feel like when Kent and I started to try to get pregnant in April 2009, everything changed. The focus was no longer on my personal self, but on the future and how to get pregnant. It wasn't until February 2010 that we found out we were pregnant and now I am enjoying my happy and healthy 7 month old Carter. The problem is that before I was pregnant I spent all of my time reading books, blogs, going to doctor appointments etc to get pregnant. Then I get pregnant and spend all of my time worrying and preparing for child birth and child rearing. Then baby Carter comes and the cycle starts again; sleep books, first aid books, baby food books etc. I love my little Carter more than I can write, but I know that unless a little energy goes into my needs, I will one day find myself in a potentially resentful place. Being a mom is about balance. There are days that things are so perfect and other days everything seems off key. How I manage these days is up to me and I truly think that allowing myself some private time is how I will best conquer this.

So...I'm super excited that the summer is here as I am fortunate to have 6 weeks off, the first two starting in the middle of June. These weeks are paid vacation, which I feel have completely been earned. In the first week alone I am going to: have my hair done, mani-pedi, family photo session, Taj Mahal concert at the zoo, massage, peonies flower arranging class, and a cupcake decorating class. It might seem like overkill, but it's not. The one ridiculous item to add to the loop is my 5:30am bootcamp that I am going on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I need to add fitness back into my life and sometimes I just need a slap across the butt to get me going. This is what bootcamp will do. I am already mentally trying to prepare for it. I have truly not worked out since February 2010 when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, had hypertension and a battery of problems from the pregnancy. I am prepared to start over from scratch, with the hope that my body will remember what it is like to be pushed physically. Kent and I also want to have another baby, so it is so important that I find a way to lose some more weight and have a healthier pregnancy.

I feel like life is slowly perking up. I'm actually feeling pretty optimistic which is a great way to live. I don't know if I am mentally processing things better, but there has definitely been a change, and one that is for the better. Plus, how can I not feel happy or optimistic when this little guy is looking back at me?

Frustration

My sweet little Carter's photo shows exactly how I am feeling lately!

Everything appears to be going wrong over the past month. My ability to deal with stress is plummeting. We went to Scottsdale mid-April and had a fabulous time, but it feels like everything has gone downhill from there. I haven't been able to blog because my computer at home is just about dead. We need to get a new one, but a few things have made that a little bit of a challenge.

In the past 3 weeks I have managed to:
Dislocate Carter's elbow, which sent us to Children's Hospital. He was such a trooper and only cried when they put it back into place. How this happened, I seriously do not know. He never cried once, we just realized he wasn't using his left arm. It sort of just "hung" there.

We are in a property line dispute with our neighbor. This dispute is taxing on me with the unknown implications and the knowledge that one day it will be over and we will again have to be "neighborly."

Due to the stress from the above Kent and I have had plenty of words for one another and ideas on how to fix things, like the property line dispute. It makes me bummed at our lack of communication, but I am trying to see this as a building block.

Mother's Day came and went as did the bickering within my immediate family. I felt robbed of my special day with Carter so we are having a do-over next week-end. A certifiable do-over complete with pictures, brunch and an outing somewhere warm (which means indoors as it is suppose to rain).

I'm hoping that "venting" a bit might make this crap go away. I'd like to be like Charlie Sheen, and tell everyone that I am "winning!" So here's to the winners.