The clouds are parting...

It has felt like a cloud has been looming over my head for quite awhile. Between the property line dispute, the disagreeing on how to handle the dispute, Carter teething, my personal desire to find some time and normalcy--it has been a struggle. I am happy to say though that things seem to be clearing.

I'm not happy that the fore mentioned dispute between my neighbor has happened, and is still happening. It did teach me a lot about how Kent and I manage situations. We both come at things from completely different angles. I am very alpha/research/ problem solve/confront and resolve. Kent is the nice guy, he does good in the world and expects it back. He is reasonable and agreeable and respects and hopes this of other. This was very frustrating to me at times, particularly when it seemed that this tactic was not working, but I now recognize that this is one of the many qualities I like about Kent.

This dispute also helped me figure out some priorities in my life. I was going, going and going and never really stopped to smell the roses. I was so pre-occupied and worried that weeks passed and I realized that I had been oblivious to those around me. I sort of was just moving with the motion of life, but not really experiencing or feeling it. For awhile I was so stressed that I was not eating as much, which is definitely not my normal tactic. Unfortunately my usage of food to calm/numb myself eventually won and I found myself choosing food often. I'm glad to say I have recognized these tendencies and I have made considerable waves in resolving things and finding peace. Kent and I have been on a pretty healthy pattern this past week and it feels great. I'm much more aware of what I am eating, why I am eating, how I feel etc. I'm making myself feel hunger more often than I am use to. This is just a process that I need to go through as I have felt so out of whack. I'm looking forward to the positive results.

With the above healthy eating plans I'm also putting it out there to everyone, including myself, that I need a little Lisa time. I was trying to explain to my baby group that I feel like when Kent and I started to try to get pregnant in April 2009, everything changed. The focus was no longer on my personal self, but on the future and how to get pregnant. It wasn't until February 2010 that we found out we were pregnant and now I am enjoying my happy and healthy 7 month old Carter. The problem is that before I was pregnant I spent all of my time reading books, blogs, going to doctor appointments etc to get pregnant. Then I get pregnant and spend all of my time worrying and preparing for child birth and child rearing. Then baby Carter comes and the cycle starts again; sleep books, first aid books, baby food books etc. I love my little Carter more than I can write, but I know that unless a little energy goes into my needs, I will one day find myself in a potentially resentful place. Being a mom is about balance. There are days that things are so perfect and other days everything seems off key. How I manage these days is up to me and I truly think that allowing myself some private time is how I will best conquer this.

So...I'm super excited that the summer is here as I am fortunate to have 6 weeks off, the first two starting in the middle of June. These weeks are paid vacation, which I feel have completely been earned. In the first week alone I am going to: have my hair done, mani-pedi, family photo session, Taj Mahal concert at the zoo, massage, peonies flower arranging class, and a cupcake decorating class. It might seem like overkill, but it's not. The one ridiculous item to add to the loop is my 5:30am bootcamp that I am going on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I need to add fitness back into my life and sometimes I just need a slap across the butt to get me going. This is what bootcamp will do. I am already mentally trying to prepare for it. I have truly not worked out since February 2010 when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, had hypertension and a battery of problems from the pregnancy. I am prepared to start over from scratch, with the hope that my body will remember what it is like to be pushed physically. Kent and I also want to have another baby, so it is so important that I find a way to lose some more weight and have a healthier pregnancy.

I feel like life is slowly perking up. I'm actually feeling pretty optimistic which is a great way to live. I don't know if I am mentally processing things better, but there has definitely been a change, and one that is for the better. Plus, how can I not feel happy or optimistic when this little guy is looking back at me?

Commitment to Myself

The Mothers "guilt" has hit me a bit with my last complaining session about not having time for myself. I really processed this over the week-end and I know that my biggest problem is that I need to get some weight off so that we can start to try for another baby. Weight loss is a struggle for me, always has been, and I really would like to have a healthier pregnancy. My blood pressure is higher now than it was before I had Carter. My weight is off by about 8 pounds, but there is those nagging 30 pounds that I gained while we were trying to get pregnant. I was nervous while I was pregnant as my swelling was extreme and the post preclampsia I had was terrifying. So the complaining about having no time to myself is honestly a complaint that each day I don't find 30 minutes to run, is another day we have to wait to try and get pregnant. I personally would like to go off of birth control in July and then start trying, casually at first, if nothing happens after 6 months, than we are back to the fertility specialists. I am determined to do my best to be healthy though, as is Kent. So somehow each day I am going to have those running shoes on and the laundry, the dishes and the yard work will have to wait. But, my little Carter will never have to.

Carter is doing awesome, like he is my little rock star baby. He is such a happy little guy. We changed out his nipples this past week-end and I'm telling you, what idiots we were to not have done it sooner! He use to take 45 minutes to drink a 5 ounce bottle, now he's done in 15. He is happier, we are happier! We did take him out in his new carrier we bought him, the gemini, and he did great. I still worry that it seems like a "crotch killer" but this one has more support in the legs and toosh area, so hopefully he can handle the pressure!

Now that our remodel is DONE...photos to follow one day, we have time to be a family. We went to the airport Saturday morning to welcome our friends home who adopted a little girl, she is beautiful and perfect. Then we treated ourselves to a little lunch and shopping. Nordstrom has by far the best baby changing place I have found. I love that Mother's lounge. We bought a Jonathan Adler lion that I had been eyeing, it goes well with our modern home. We had lunch and as I was holding Carter I was amazed how many people approached us to say what a cute baby he was. He is a chick and older person magnet! We were again awful and bought his some awesome clothes. I love that damn Ralph Lauren and we scored this fabulous winter coat for next year. I figure that I'm not buying clothes for this body, so I can buy them for him (-: This Friday he has his 4 month check up, I can't wait to see what he weighs!

Pandora's box

Several days ago I asked Kent to go into the garage and pull out all of the boxes that are marked Lisa TT. These boxes of mine are all of the clothes that my mom and I packed up in April of last year, right before we moved into our new home. They are marked Lisa, as they are lady clothes and TT, means Too Tight. I thought I was all cute and witty as I was 2 months pregnant and I knew that I would not be wearing these clothes over the summer, especially as my belly grew bigger and bigger. These boxes, all 8 of them, have been stacked in the corner and looming over me. I knew that once I gathered the nerve to open them, it would be a little like opening Pandora's box.

These TT boxes were filled with sizes of a pretty big scale. Through my entire adult like I have fluctuated constantly with my weight. I held pretty steadily within a 10-15 pound range for several years, even through our early dating years and all of the fun food and wine. I can remember the weight coming on quickly through a stressful point in our relationship, work life, family life etc. Then so very slowly the weight would get lost. The quickest weight gain I had was definitely from June-December of 2009. This was a fast 25-35 pounds and they were all stress and pain induced regarding getting pregnant. All of these clothes that I marked TT, were essentially the clothes I wore prior to this time. Sure there were a few oddities that I had not worn in quite some time, like a size 12 Calvin Klein pair of jeans. I grabbed those jeans today and nearly crapped myself at how small they looked. Granted I only fit into them for about 9 days, the first 9 days of knowing Kent, but I still fit into them. These size 12's haunt me now, because I have no clue how I actually did get into them. They were snug, but nothing that What Not to Wear would hound me about. Now a size 12 may not sound small to some, but I was at one point a 24W, so that is a huge feat for me.

As I was repacking the clothes away, hoping to find a few of my work clothes that would fit, I felt really sad. I was sad for myself, but really sad for Kent. He just came into the office and saw me in here and I started crying and told him how sorry I was that I had let myself go, and I thanked him for being so kind to me. He was pissed and annoyed, as I am a broken record about my weight and health. I think that the weight gain from clomid, stress etc is the hardest for me to swallow as it was just a tough time. The good thing though is that I am ready to get back to that healthier size. I may not get into those size 12 Calvins, or have that super flat stomach I use to (that's what 10 grand and a tummy tuck gets you (-: ) But in all honesty I am ok with that. Most of those clothes in those boxes are obtainable, still fashionable and are ready to be hanging in my closet and not taking up space in my garage.

It seems overwhelming to get back into them, but in all honesty, I am not terribly far from it. Just like my wedding ring, which does get over my knuckle now, but is still too tight, I will get back into these clothes and that healthier lifestyle. Even though I am a mom, a full time employee, a wife and a friend, I am still responsible for myself and my emotions. It's time to work out the balance and get back into my good parts of myself.

GPS for my business

I am a recent convert to the I-Phone and one of the first things I did was look for fun apps. There are various apps pre-loaded, like a compass, calendar, calculator etc. I downloaded a fertility tracker to help me with my business and keep everything organized. Tonight I thought to myself that I should look for a GPS app for my lady business, as she is missing, and no where in sight. I'm day 44 now and not sure what the hell is happening. I started progesterone yesterday, so maybe this will help direct it the proper way. I mean I have a Redfin app that automatically pulls up any house for sale within a 5 mile range of where me and my phone are. Why in the hell can't my period find itself out of my body? Gross, I know, but christ, give me a break.

Oh...I irritated my sciatica somehow and can barely walk. Maybe something like a 3 hour yoga class has something to do with it! (-:

TGIF

I'm feeling excited lately about how focused I've been. There has to be something about not being on any fertility drugs right now, but really, I think there is more to it.

-I have worked out 5x this week! In the rain, in the cold and at 5:30am!
-I have continued taking my daily dose of fish oil and all of my vitamins!
-Sleep..I've been conscious about going to be when I feel tired. Last night it was 9:30 which is unheard of for me.
-Pre-planned dinner on Sunday night and successfully cooked all this week.
-Did more research about PCOS and finding anti-inflammatory foods. It makes a difference.
-Focused on the good, the positive and a healthy future.

The best part...today is Friday and I have not over booked us for the week-end. I have a multitude of recipes I want to try out and freeze and new items to add to my revised PCOS friendly diet.

Yeah Friday!

What did I sign up for?

Today was my first day of bootcamp, something I haven't participated in for over a year. I've been plagued with health problems for awhile..broken sesimoid bone in my foot, tendinitis in my right elbow and a weight gain of 30 pounds that has given me a second ass (like super high on my hips, like a nice tire). Today's camp was a very physical one that involved running, sprinting hills and climbing stairs. I was one of the last to finish, but surprisingly, I didn't care. In the past I would have finished at the middle to beginning of the pack. That was the past though. That was 30 pounds ago, 1 1/2 years ago and a lot less stress. The point is I did it. This is my 3rd work out this week and it is only Wednesday. Woot Woot!

Just Breathe

Kent and I had a great week-end. New Year's Day we woke up without hangovers (I was the designated driver..how responsible of me). I made us a yummy egg and bacon panini and we sat around and relaxed. We were invited to two separate eating events, one traditional Scottish the other traditional Japanese. Let's just say that by the end of the evening my gut was freakin' out.

Our first meal was at 1pm, a traditional Scottish meal served by a long lost roommate of Kent's that he reunited with in the parking lot of a Dick's drive-in (sounds dirty, but it's a burger joint). The couple, Peyton and Aimee love to travel and this traditional meal of Haggis, Neeps and Tatties and Mushy Peas is a tradition for them. Peyton happens to be a pretty gourmet cook and he scoured the land for the ingredients of haggis, which is a dish containing sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours. Peyton came up with about 70% of the ingredients to make it, which by the way I don't really want to know were, but struck out and found a place in Oregon who ships fresh haggis. I will have it known that when they invited us over and told us the menu I said yes, we will come, but no, we will not eat. I've always been a sucker for peer pressure and Kent and I found ourselves be talked into trying it. The haggis was sliced and then fried and covered in brown gravy. I took all of 2 bites, but I did it. This wasn't on my NY's resolutions, but damn it, I'm penciling it in because who in the hell would have thought I would ever accomplish that. The Neeps and Tatties are basically mashed yellow turnip or rutabaga and potatoes. The mushy peas were mushy peas with a mint sauce. I liked the side dishes very much. It was a fun lunch complete with homemade creme brulee and good conversation.


I'm so bummed I left my camera, but here's something I stole off of wikipedia

After our first eating event we stopped off at my friend Susan's to see her no named baby who has since been given the name Jayce. He is just a little nugget who was sitting with dad and that was fine by us. Those brand new ones freak us out, so fragile! Our visit was short as we headed to our friends Chris and Shannon's house for Sukiyaki. I love this dish. It is basically very thin slices of beef in a yummy broth with vegetables, crazy vegetables that I don't have a clue what I am eating, but they taste great. You leave the table bloated like a crazy woman from all of the soy sauce, but it is totally worth it. Every time Chris's mom Sumiko comes to town I ask for a lesson to this dish, but I realize she doesn't measure, she just pours things in. I'm a cook only if I have an exact recipe.

The rest of our week-end was spent organizing, love it! and relaxing. It was so nice to have some time off to tackle some projects and then enjoy a movie. We went and looked at a couple of houses, but this is just not an easy task as housing is a nightmare in Seattle. I questioned if we should live in the suburbs, but I just don't see that happening. I'm so close to downtown that I could walk...not that I ever have, but the point is that I can. One house looked like it was 30 miles from downtown (an exaggeration, yes, but I could never walk that far). This moving this is sort of scary for me. I struggle with change, but it will be fun to live in a new part of town. More than likely we will be renting a home, which is fine as we will still have our current home. I hate the idea of paying a strangers mortgage, but it is a temporary thing. We are both breathing, relaxing, eating well and taking care of ourselves. This is our only job for the time being.

Here Comes The Sun...

Doo doo doo doo...here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right. Since about the age of 18 I have kept a journal on and off. One tradition that I have held steady with is an entry on December 31st that generally sums up my year, sort of an annual report to myself on life. For this entry I don't hash out the bad and beat myself up, but it is usually eye opening when I have time to process encounters and see them with either more time, more wisdom or less emotions. I am a processor, a thinker, a constant scenario player in my head. Here's the thing about this particular year...I don't want to process it. I have been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year. The emotions have been to the extreme, like flying from Antarctica to the Equator in 4 hours. I really don't want to relive this as it has been a giant drag. I've been out of control emotionally, physically with food and mentally with visions of negativity that have plagued me for months. I'm tired of it.

Right now the goal is to focus on the good, what I have in life that so many times I just don't recognize. My optimism for this next year is pretty high right now. Kent and I are focused as a team to get ourselves back on track. We have a plan for our food intake and fitness. I have menus weekly coming to me and Bootcamp 3x a week that should help jump start us. We look forward to moving in the next 4-8 months into a bigger home and finally getting that grown up King sized bed we've dreamed about. Our priorities are shifting and this is a good thing. I think 2010 will be the year of me. I tend to be last on my list, but not this year. My focus is going to have to be continually on me, something that I am not use to. The focus is simple though---healthy food, exercise/fitness daily, mental relaxation and calming of life's woes. Sounds easy? Truthfully, once I put my mind to something I can do it. It is just getting started which is tough. I have been so bummed every time I work out lately as I am in the worst shape that I have been in for the past 5 years. When I run I feel my second ass hit my back. I mean seriously, it has gotten bad. Six years ago I went from jogging for 30 seconds to 1/2 marathons, so I know I have it in me. There's a little athlete inside me who has been struggling with life for the past year. I'm over letting things like fertility issues, family stress etc bog me down to the point of being unable to move. Moving is what will help me stay on focus, so it is time to start baby steps again towards the old Lisa.

I'm grateful for my friends, family and Kent for staying by my side as these past few months have wore me down. I can not wait to get back on track and start to feel better about myself. I don't want to talk about the fertility options and stress that will come with this. I want to hopefully remind myself every month that doing the best I can is my only option and true choice. I have no control over the actual process, but I do have control over how I "process" these monthly emotional roller coasters. Somehow I am going to beg for peace within myself and my body.

May 2010 bless all of us, or at least allow us to see our blessings.

The tears of gratitude

The past few days I have been overcome by emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat. This morning a Folgers holiday commercial set me over the edge. Like sobbing, for an hour with feelings of sadness that my dream of being pregnant in 2009 will more than likely not happen. I did my best to get ready and arrived an hour late for work (good thing I'm the boss). As I enter the elevator 3, yes 3, pregnant women get on with me. We stop off at one of the floors with an OB/GYN clinic on it, two ladies step out, and in a mad commotion a wheel chair flies in with a pregnant woman, her husband and a nurse who are wheeling her to the hospital as her water broke in the office. I explained kindly to them that this elevator was going up, but they were so excited, the husband was on the phone, and I was left in the corner and the stream of tears began again.

On Saturday at 8am I will have an ultrasound to see if any follicles have produced from this round of clomid. With luck we will have an IUI on Sunday morning. I've been diligent about taking my Metformin and I've even found myself saying a few prayers to whoever is listening. I know we have only been trying for 8 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. The holiday traditions of family only elevate my desire to begin my own family.

As I did my best to compose myself at work I decided I needed to make the most of the next few days. I am looking forward to doing the cooking tomorrow and testing out several new recipes. I am still not sure if I will shop on Friday morning as we are not really doing the mad dash present scene this year. Just a few small gifts for everyone. Normally my parents buy my sister and I so many gifts that we literally need to take a break, almost an intermission, during the gift exchange. It will be a nice change this year to try and enjoy one anothers company and not focusing on all of our gifts. Kent and I have also been looking at ways to see our friends this holiday season without spending a fortune.

Here is to hope, gratitude and love for the life I have.

Taking Care of Myself

This topic came up in my session with a therapist that I have been seeing for some time. There are days that I show up and wonder what we will discuss and today was one of those days. I'm tired of talking about my weight or talking about the question of when I will get pregnant or how my job at times is ridiculous. Today was a good day though because we both sort of looked at these topics and noted what was in my control and what wasn't. Here is some hopeful decisions I have made.

1) Weight. I'm blowing up like a hot-air balloon. I'm embarrassed to admit that I could be a linebacker with the Seattle Seahawks. As I've been increasing my amount of Metformin I have also been increasing my carbs as it is the only thing that helps with the side effects of nausea and crazy bad belly. I'm frustrated as I need to take Metformin, but I also need to lose weight. So I just booked an appointment with a nutritionist to discuss PCOS, insulin resistance and getting pregnant. I have read so many books, but I'm really needing some support and I hope this will help jump start a better relationship with food and my body.

2) Today is my last day of Clomid. Yeah! Then we have an ultrasound on Saturday the 27th and hopefully an IUI on the 28th. All I can control is that I show up at the right time of my appointment and take the appropriate medication. That's it. I can't control if I ovulate, hopefully Clomid will help me with that. I also can't control when I will get pregnant. I'm going to do my best to stop the stressing and to focus on taking care of myself and pregnancy will come one way or another.

3) Holidays. As a child I had a wonderful time with my family and our gigantic extended family. As the years have passed though the holidays are increasingly more stressful and filled with little joy. I am not going to let this happen though to my holiday with Kent. I may struggle when I am with my parents etc, but that doesn't mean that Kent and I can't enjoy our own private holiday time. Kent and I are going to be in a little protective bubble this year during the holidays. I'm staying away from drama and searching out the happiness that is around me. We have many fun things planned including the Seattle Men's Chorus and the Rockettes.

Tonight I plan on hopefully going to the gym and hitting the treadmill. I'm also feeling like a cold is brewing so possibly I will sit on the sofa and watch the office and laugh with my husband. Either way, I'm taking care of myself.

Moving On

This morning my lady business is officially here and I picked up my prescription for 100mg of Clomid and my HCG shot. This will be our 3rd round of clomid, and if all goes well, we will have an IUI Thanksgiving week-end. While I was holding that RX in my hand my first thought was, well here comes the bitch again. I'm so nasty on this drug and emotional. I roll into my office a few minutes later, turn on the computer and ITUNES and the first shuffled song that BLARES out of my speakers is Elton John's The Bitch is Back. I seriously love my life and the fact that I can see humor in everything.

I'm feeling fine today and I'm focusing on what I have and not what I don't. I am trying to find the holiday spirit and my goal is to spread a little joy and happiness this year. Throughout the years presents have been the top priority of the Christmas season. My family shows their love with gifts and a ton of them. I'm over that though and if I want something, I can just buy it myself. So this year I am thinking about thoughtful ways to spread joy and kindness that are not necessarily wrapped up with a bow. Thank you to everyone for their kindness yesterday.

Simply the Best..

No, I'm not feeling this way about myself, but Tina Turner's song just popped up on my I-tunes and I feel it must have been an act from above as a way to pump me up as I'm not feeling this way today. I think I have to figure something out for myself this week. Last night I posted that I was worried about my poor choices over the week-end and if I would have a set back this morning when I stepped on the scale. Well..yep, a big setback. Enough steps back to erase my 4 pounds from the previous week. Am I still the best? Am I better than the rest? Tina's singing to me through the computer speakers and I'm still struggling to think that maybe she's not really singing to me, but proclaiming this to anyone who will listen. My goal when I started this "Biggest Loser" challenge was to lose weight. I figured Kent and I would be 6-18 months out from being able to get pregnant so I should push myself as much as I can. Weight loss should be my priority as I have no control over getting pregnant. Then Friday I find out the clomid/metformin combo produced a follicle and the chance that I might have ovulated threw me off. I'm not a negative Nelly, I just didn't expect to have an ultrasound that showed a good egg. There is no baby planning in my brain right now, I was just pleased that the ovaries were functioning a bit and it gave me hope. It also gave me anxiety though and threw me for a loop.

Now I am sitting here thinking about what my goals are. I know how incredibly tough I am on myself. I remember when I would join Weight Watchers and have a couple of good weeks and then I would step on the scale, after working so hard, and there would be nothing to reward me. The WW lady would say something like, "better luck next week," and it would set me off emotionally. Holy crap..do you know what the next song was that just popped up on my I-tunes? That would be The Beatles, Let it Be. Seriously, maybe my new religion will be my I-tunes library and the magic of shuffled music. When I need a question answered, I will leave it to the power of song. Next song that just popped up, no shit, Dolly Parton's Jesus and Gravity. Maybe this is a sick prank someone is playing on me.

Enough with my new religion, my brain is feeling the need to prepare myself emotionally for a roller coaster called fertility and weight loss. This is a total oxymoron, but that's my life. I think I'm going to process for the next few days what is going to be best for me. I feel embarrassed that I didn't lose any weight. I feel pissed that I didn't push myself when my lady business was totally cramping from taking clomid. It's just cramps, it's not going to kill me to workout. I chose to sit on the sofa instead of going to the gym. I disappointed my trainer and myself by not following through with my homework and goals.

I think I need to figure my goals out for the next week.

Dreading tomorrow AM...

This past week-end I did not fair so well on the "healthy lifestyle front." On Friday I felt the need to celebrate my follicle with Via Tribunali pizza, a glass of wine and a few bites of hazelnut gelato. I wanted to relive Italy when we were enjoying each other's company and not thinking about getting pregnant. It wasn't until we returned from Italy that we started getting more news about my lady business and how it apparently likes to take really long breaks, vacations and sick days. Saturday was tough with a wedding and a high school reunion and GIANT sized Coronas beckoning my call. Sunday was spent with relatives which means you just sit around and eat. Now I did try to make good choices and to not over stuff myself. I just didn't get my fitness in as I need to. I felt really crampy all last week from Clomid and bad belly sick from the Metformin.

Tonight I met my trainer in a very blustery weather evening and it was hard. Like I felt so bloated that I didn't think I could run. Then I pulled my ass muscle and had serious cramps/drama with that. Thank God Chrissy and I are buddies as this could have been embarrassing. I was in trouble for not doing my homework, which was to run 2x last week and to work on my self-esteem. I'm slowly working on this, but it is a work in process.

Tomorrow I have to get on that big scale in the morning and see the damage. I can't blame "Week 2" of my more than likely no success and possibly a set back. Food is my outlet and I chose this too many times. My trainer had a good point tonight. She told me to be positive, to realize this is my time to get healthy for pregnancy and me; to not focus on weight loss but to focus on health. Sure, that's great, but I want to get back to the size I was when I met Kent. I only need to lose one dress size, but it seems to be taunting the crap out of me.

Here's to what lies ahead tomorrow and a new day!

Week 2 of Biggest Loser

This is the start of week two for our Biggest Loser adventure and I have had several light bulb moments.

1)This is not a temporary thing that I should be thinking about. This weight loss goal should not even be considered a goal, as there is no finish line. This is a lifestyle change.

2)I hate having the write the above crap. It sounds motivational and preachy. Here's the thing, it is all true. It is why I have struggled for years. You can not be successful if you do not make lifelong changes. I can not go back to having several glasses of wine, bread and cheese as a meal. It is not going to happen.

3)Moderation. This is a word that is just not in my vocabulary. I'm sort of a "go big or go home" kind of gal. When I want something, I want it. I am that way with shoes, purses, home items etc. Food is a tricky one for me as I have such a rough relationship with it. I put things on my NO list for as long as possible. Then I cave in and suddenly it is gorge city for a day or even longer. Then I feel guilty and start the same terrible cycle I have for years.

This was a really good week for me and Kent. We both had a 4 pound weight loss. Do we both know most of that is water? You bet! Did we both get in exercise though and make better choices? Yep, so I see this as a win in the Davis household.

For week two my goal is to focus on my fitness. This is the top priority. If this means that we eat at the Whole Food salad bar all week so that there is less time in the kitchen and more time in the gym, then fine. We need to get this habit to stick, the habit of daily fitness. Kent and I are excellent at coming up with excuses for why we don't have time to exercise, but honestly, we do. We watch enough TV, computer surf etc to make it to our gym or run outside daily. We feel better when we are done and I want our family to be that family that walks, rides bikes, hikes etc. Kent and I were both not raised in an environment of exercise, we are going to start that ritual right away.

Knowing what I know about my body...insulin resistance, PCOS etc, I need to do better. I can mope all I want about how it is unfair that my body works against me to lose weight, how it processes foods differently. Really though, those are just obstacles that I can learn to overcome. I have a giant brain that has soaked in quite a bit about food and nutrition. There are days though that I know I am angry that this is my body, that this is what I have to work with. Having the possible fertility issues has only made things more difficult for me to accept. I am going to accept them though because I really have no other choice. No point in denying these facts and then have a donut.

When you know better, you do better. Here's to week two and exercise galore!

Blowing it

This was a packed week-end for Kent and I. Friday night we went to see the comedian Patton Oswalt. These tickets were an anniversary present for Kent, which he was excited about and we totally enjoyed. We attempted happy hour at Brasa before the event, but unfortunately the Metformin I take left me feeling super ill so I didn't get to enjoy myself. Also being on a new health goal sort of dampens my spirits at the bars/restaurants.

Saturday I made us blueberry pancakes (with some of our 11lbs of blueberries!) and I was cautious with my syrup...just a little dip every other bite. I spent the day cleaning and grocery shopping and getting ready to go and see Wicked. This was a show I have been waiting months to see and it was awesome. We were "bad" and treated ourselves after the show to coffee and ice cream. We did share the sundae and didn't finish it.

Sunday I went and had a massage and Kent spent time at his mom's house. We then drove to my parents house as we needed to pick up some items they have been storing for us. While we were driving out there I started feeling really sick again. The nausea from this medicine is the worst part. Also the explosive diarrhea (ED) is not that much fun either. I use ED in any excuse I can to get out of an event etc, because honestly, if someone told you they had ED you wouldn't keep bugging them to go to one more bar for another drink would you? Back to where I was...so I felt really sick again and the only thing that helps with the nausea is food, calming food like peanut butter sandwiches. Having PCOS I really shouldn't have bread etc. Well it seemed like I showed up at my parents house and immediately started grazing. So frustrating as it felt like almost a week's worth of thinking about my food choices etc were just blown away. I just blew my week's effort in two hours.

I am going to remain positive and realize there is no finish line to this race. This food/fitness thing of mine is never going to end. I am ancy to see results and to feel better about myself. I know this weight gain has been over the past 3 years and it will take time to lose. I am staying positive about our future and how to keep Kent and I happy and healthy. I just booked us a trip to Palm Springs over President's Day Week-end. Last year we didn't travel in the grey and depressing winter and it was awful. We will celebrate our joint birthday and valentines day that week-end. If we are lucky, we will be pregnant by then too!

What have you done today....

...to make you feel proud? Alright people, it is here. My official start off of what I hope to be a healthy transition with my weight, my mentality and my emotional eating.

Tonight is the start of The Biggest Loser. Kent and I have slated this date as also our start to kick off a new way of life for us. I've been doing my best to live in the moment and make positive changes. The Biggest Loser has been a show I have enjoyed watching and hoping that someday I will too have those successes. Some may find the TV show pathetic or have some form of judgement on it. Yes, they are big on their product endorsements. Yes, they find ways to get people to open up etc and have a good cry and Jillian can turn around and be their emotional support buddy. But, there also can be a form of inspiration in this show that is available if one is open to it. I don't like the "cattiness" of the game. It would be tough for me to compete in this show as I am always so happy when people have lost weight etc (except for that bitch Vicky from a few seasons ago. She was awful!)

My hope with today is that I will place myself on the top of my priority list. I have weekly goals for Kent and I to build on. This, being week one, is for us to keep a food journal of everything we eat. Of course we will want to be careful of what we are eating, get exercise etc. The main focus of this week though is to really be in the mindset of the foods we choose. Was I really hungry, or was it something else? Where could I have made a better choice? There is something that happens when you have to write everything down. You are more accountable. I plan on doing this as religiously as possible. I would like to continue it week by week as food is the thing for me.

So along with weighing ourselves this morning (YIKES) we also took these fabulous photos of ourselves.









Now I don't expect to see this incredible change over the season, we are not trying to lose 100+ pounds. Even subtle changes can make a world of difference for Kent and I. Our health is pretty good, but we both have gained weight, our clothes are too tight, and we just don't feel that great about ourselves. Along with the health benefits of losing weight I hope to also gain back some of that self-esteem that has dwindled over the past few years. I honestly thought that if I could just find someone to love me, get married etc., these negative feelings about myself would go away. How wrong was I! On a positive note I have been able to discover this quickly in our relationship and understand this is not the case, at least not for me it isn't. I also am serious about trying to get pregnant so getting healthier is a win-win for both myself and any future babies.

So here's to day one, of week one. I'm also having to plan for this evening as I have a cocktail party to go to and it doesn't end until 8:30pm. I am going to work on getting some food beforehand and somehow get some type of fitness in today. This is going to be tricky.

Must...move...legs...

So I have about a nano-second to blog. I just finished with an all day retreat thing with a group I recently joined. Not sure if it will fit me, but I am going to give it a shot. Here's my main issue today---OMG, what was I thinking yesterday letting my trainer push me that hard. I haven't done pushups in MONTHS, and I did 20 full pushups (no knees) and 20 on my knees. 3 sets of lunges, 4 sets of squats, massive amounts of situps and sprints in between. I am dying. My body hurts so bad I could almost not put on my bra by myself today. Can't quite reach around to do the hooks! I have to find the motivation though to help me remember these are the short term problems with starting a new fitness routine. I'm determined to stretch a ton tonight before bed, because I know that I will be even more sore tomorrow.

Tonight I am going to one of my friends house who I use to workout with. She and her husband just had a baby. My trainer will also be there and if she didn't run 20 miles today, I would probably kick her ass. I still might make her stretch me though.

PS...2 days until my biggest loser conquest begins. The day of, I already have a cocktail function to go to. I'm back to club soda with lime (-: So very Jillian of me.

TGIF..a little late

I have two things that I feel are worthy of a TGIF, which I have not done lately. First of all, thank you baby Jesus for making my business come. It was to the point that I was starting to get really pissed off at my body again, and I've been angry with this body since I was 4 and I started my first diet. Today was my first day of Clomid, and I will have an ultrasound in about 10 days to see if things are progressing. Still trying to stay positive. I'm happy things are at least moving down there.

This morning I met my trainer Chris at Greenlake at 7:30am. We had people over at our house until 11:30pm last night, so there wasn't a ton of sleep to be had and I was not terribly excited about working out so early. Chris wanted to cheer on a group of women she trains who were participating in a race. I did not register or compete. Instead, I ran sprints, did push-ups, dips, pull-ups, squats etc, while she was cheering her people on and timing me at the same time. About 27 minutes into the race she saw one of her first "people" and I was stunned, we were both stunned. The woman we saw first was a 43 year old Mother, Wife etc who had joined Chris's bootcamp series about 15 months ago. I remember meeting her in May 08. That was an awful month of bootcamp because it literally poured almost everyday and you are outside, rain or shine. 5:30am in May is brutal, particularly in the rain. This woman has continued with Chris's bootcamps and I couldn't believe what I saw. She went from an 18 minute mile to running this race in about a 9 minute mile pace. She has lost over 50 pounds and was beaming. I haven't seen her for quite awhile, as I had some injuries, got married etc. I basically have not been disciplined with my fitness and have let myself go. I found this woman after the race and I just walked up to her and gave her the biggest hug. I told her how awesome she was running, how great she looked etc. She then looked at me and said I was her inspiration, that Chris had told her back in May 08 of my successes and she has held onto this all along. I sort of was taken back by this and then I felt embarrassed by how I have not been my own inspiration. I give, give, give and then there is no time left for me.

As I started to leave the event, I just lost it. I was surrounded by honestly, at least a 1,000 women, and I just started sobbing. Chris didn't know what to do. She is a tough cookie, but has a tender heart buried deep down. I was just sobbing as I had to let go of that guilt I have that I let myself go and that I have not been taking very good care of myself. Normally I eat when I feel this pain, but I decided to just have my tears, if that was what needed to happen. I'm not happy about sobbing at Greenlake, in front of tons of people, but sometimes things need to happen for a reason.

My TGIF for this week is happiness about my business and SUPER happy for the small impact I made on a complete stranger. Seeing her today has helped reconfirm this new way of thinking about myself and my needs is not a waste of time. I think, no, I know, that this person is MY new inspiration.

Something is brewing...

This week-end I had a wonderful time with friends celebrating a recent engagement and a birthday. It was fun to catch up with lost friends and to make new ones. Sadly, my mind was filled with the constant annoyance of how tight my clothes were and how uncomfortable I was. I was embarrassed at how I looked and it bogged me down both nights. I can no longer deny the elephant in the room, that big ass white elephant which is my weight gain and dropping self esteem. I am ready to gather my troops though and put myself out there to be as honest as I can about my life, my weight and my future. Yes, Kent and I are still going to try monthly to get pregnant, but I can no longer put my health on hold. I am going to spend the next three weeks preparing myself for September 15th.

Here is what I am gearing up for.


The biggest loser is something I have blogged about before and it tends to be very inspirational to me in the beginning and then as the season continues, it almost taunts me. The new season begins Sept. 15th and I am ready to make my own challenge and commitment to myself. So far Kent and another friend are on board. I don't think there are very many people out there who read my blog, but I am telling everyone who is struggling with their weight and self esteem about my idea(s). I am a serious fan in leaning on others, particularly in the challenge of weight loss. I enjoyed WW, but it is not the program for me. I miss my supportive group of women that I use to work out with. They motivated me and helped me get my butt up in the early morning hours and get my fitness in for the day. It is time for me to make a plan of attack as it is frustrating to be so sad and tearful daily. I am going to do my best to prove that I can regain the control I once had over my fitness, my emotional eating and my personal well being. I want to rediscover that old person who has just somehow given up on herself. I have slowly been putting on weight over the past few years and I really need to stop it now. I am terrified about getting pregnant due to the weight gain that will incur. This is not the state of mind I want to enter into a pregnancy with.

I have briefly today thought about how/what I can do differently that has not worked for me in the past. I think having a weekly goal/focus will possibly help me towards my weight loss goals. Right now I have 10 different topics I would like to focus on and one will be given for each week. I am tired of giving up on myself and I am really tired of expending all of my energy onto others. I feel like a plane that is taking a nose dive and I am determined to get it headed back in the right direction again. It is time that I take control and put my oxygen mask on before I put on those around me.

I look forward to the planning of this event and for anyone who wants to join, I welcome you. I have added a weightloss ticker to help me track my progress, but I'm not going to use it until Sept. 15th. More to follow.

Holy crap...this is for real

Yesterday Kent arrived at my office at 12:30pm with low-carb salads, diet cokes and a cleaner for the floor in one of my exam rooms. He hasn't turned into my helper, we were having a quick lunch and practice repair job before we went to the RE. RE...what's that you say? I had to look it up too as I am not terribly into all of the lingo around pregnancy. RE would be the Reproductive Endocrinologist. Basically the dude who shook my hand and said he would help me get pregnant. Who knew you could get pregnant with a hand shake...crap I would be an Octo-mom by now.

Anyways. Kent and I arrived in their office by promptly taking the elevator down two floors in the building I work in (can't take the stairs as they are locked for security). We entered the beautiful glass doors and serene room and it was empty. Just Kent, myself, the receptionist and a candy bowl that had Kent's name all over it. We had a 1:15pm appointment so the majority of their staff was probably on lunch. Being a manager of a medical practice I understand the functioning of the whole doctor office staff craziness quite easily. Kent and I filled out our appropriate paperwork and then we went and sat down. We both were a little giddy, and almost giggly. Kent actually started laughing and told me that he didn't know if we were old enough to have kids yet. My 38 1/2 year old husband who is going to his 20 year high school reunion next month is still wondering if we were old enough. I laughed and told him I thought the same thing. I was more thinking...holy crap, this is for real now.

Kent and I were lead into their back office and it was almost like a gauntlet of rooms and back office staff just sort of waiting to help you, or at least check out your clothes or ass. My mind instantly thought...hhhmmm, I know how medical people are; do they take bets on who has the screwed up junk..the man or the woman? I was lead into a room and had my blood pressure and weight checked. Yeah, let's just say my weight is even HIGHER than it was 3 days ago. I'll blame it on the soy sauce I used for dinner the night before. Kent and I then waited in a consult room for what felt like an eternity as I was starting to get nervous. There was an informational VAGINA (I feel like that needs to be in all caps as that is what it felt like) diagram so that I could see all the crap that could be potentially wrong. At least there was an Elle Decor magazine on the desk for Kent and I to drool over and make our thumbs up or thumbs down to for design.

Dr. Hickok came into the room and I became super nervous. We all shook hands and he looked at Kent and I and said, "So you two would like to have a baby." I seriously looked at Kent like..do we? Holy crap, it that why we are here? This isn't to sign up for a 401K? I haven't really had someone sit down with both of us in a medical setting and ask us that question before. It became TOTALLY real and super scary. We both laughed and said yes. I then went off in a nervous rant about how I am 34, I have PCOS and I never thought I would get married or have kids so now I am worried and how are we going to get pregnant. Over the course of a few minutes Dr. Hickok did an excellent job explaining what PCOS is and how he can work with it etc. Then he said the most beautiful words I could have asked. Dr. Hickok started naming off the side-effects of PCOS and he started describing the hormonal imbalance I have and why it is so difficult to lose weight. Hallelujah, Hallelujah. It was like an angel had descended from the sky. I felt SO much better. I wanted to literally jump up and hug him for saying this, particularly in front of Kent.

Once we discussed my issues we started talking about a game plan. I loved how involved Kent was in the discussion. I was impressed with his questions and the fact that he was not embarrassed or afraid to ask anything. I loved the fact that he was telling Dr. Hickok about my "business" which is our key word for period. There's nothing like your husband talking about your period and its flow. Kent was awesome and then something happened...Dr. Hickok stopped talking about my body and turned to Kent. Dr. Hickok literally switched gears and looked at Kent and whipped about the Sperm Analysis handout and told Kent that he would need to "assess" his sperm. Kent, hand to God, put both of his hands up (almost like what you do when a cop would pull you over and says Hands Up!) and was like, "Woah, Woah, you mean in like 6 months." The doctor kept his eyes focused on Kent and said in a deadpan voice, "there is no point in putting your wife through all of these expensive and uncomfortable tests if you are shooting blanks." Hallelujah, Hallelujah; is it possible to have two Hallelujah moments it the course of 30 minutes? Sweet Jesus, I couldn't hold it in. I totally started laughing. I knew this is what Kent had feared and for weeks I told him not to worry about it. I really did not think they would test him so early, especially when we knew that I was not ovulating.

The rest of our visit was just finishing our game plan and then idle chit chat. Kent and I left feeling actually really good. I had been very nervous about what he was going to say. He assured me that I was in the right place and that there was no point in staying at my OB/GYN's office for another 6 months because we already know that I have something that is not working; that would be my ovaries! I also know that patients need to be their own advocates. I feel more confident than I have in quite awhile and I look forward to this next journey.