Doo doo doo doo...here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right. Since about the age of 18 I have kept a journal on and off. One tradition that I have held steady with is an entry on December 31st that generally sums up my year, sort of an annual report to myself on life. For this entry I don't hash out the bad and beat myself up, but it is usually eye opening when I have time to process encounters and see them with either more time, more wisdom or less emotions. I am a processor, a thinker, a constant scenario player in my head. Here's the thing about this particular year...I don't want to process it. I have been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year. The emotions have been to the extreme, like flying from Antarctica to the Equator in 4 hours. I really don't want to relive this as it has been a giant drag. I've been out of control emotionally, physically with food and mentally with visions of negativity that have plagued me for months. I'm tired of it.
Right now the goal is to focus on the good, what I have in life that so many times I just don't recognize. My optimism for this next year is pretty high right now. Kent and I are focused as a team to get ourselves back on track. We have a plan for our food intake and fitness. I have menus weekly coming to me and Bootcamp 3x a week that should help jump start us. We look forward to moving in the next 4-8 months into a bigger home and finally getting that grown up King sized bed we've dreamed about. Our priorities are shifting and this is a good thing. I think 2010 will be the year of me. I tend to be last on my list, but not this year. My focus is going to have to be continually on me, something that I am not use to. The focus is simple though---healthy food, exercise/fitness daily, mental relaxation and calming of life's woes. Sounds easy? Truthfully, once I put my mind to something I can do it. It is just getting started which is tough. I have been so bummed every time I work out lately as I am in the worst shape that I have been in for the past 5 years. When I run I feel my second ass hit my back. I mean seriously, it has gotten bad. Six years ago I went from jogging for 30 seconds to 1/2 marathons, so I know I have it in me. There's a little athlete inside me who has been struggling with life for the past year. I'm over letting things like fertility issues, family stress etc bog me down to the point of being unable to move. Moving is what will help me stay on focus, so it is time to start baby steps again towards the old Lisa.
I'm grateful for my friends, family and Kent for staying by my side as these past few months have wore me down. I can not wait to get back on track and start to feel better about myself. I don't want to talk about the fertility options and stress that will come with this. I want to hopefully remind myself every month that doing the best I can is my only option and true choice. I have no control over the actual process, but I do have control over how I "process" these monthly emotional roller coasters. Somehow I am going to beg for peace within myself and my body.
May 2010 bless all of us, or at least allow us to see our blessings.
Welcome to 2009
My BFF Susan had her baby boy unexpectedly on Monday morning of this week. Baby boy, AKA "Cake Waffle" was scheduled to arrive on December 31st via a scheduled C-section. I think "Cake Waffle" is going to be a party animal. Apparently he didn't want to have only one night of drinking as he gets older to celebrate his birthday, so he arrived early. I mean really, how much fun is it to have a birthday coincide with a holiday, especially New Year's...you get robbed. Now people will wear hats and have balloons twice in one week to celebrate his special day and the New Year.
Happy Birthday "Cake Waffle!" I can't wait until your parents have a name picked out for you (Cake Waffle is what their 2 year old Mac decided they should name the baby). Mom and "CW" are doing great and getting ready to hopefully leave the hospital today. I'm bummed I left my camera at home, but I doubt Susan would have wanted some glamour shots for my blog. Love Ya Susie!
Happy Birthday "Cake Waffle!" I can't wait until your parents have a name picked out for you (Cake Waffle is what their 2 year old Mac decided they should name the baby). Mom and "CW" are doing great and getting ready to hopefully leave the hospital today. I'm bummed I left my camera at home, but I doubt Susan would have wanted some glamour shots for my blog. Love Ya Susie!
Christmas 2009
I wasn't quite sure what was going to happen to our holiday cheer and spirit this year. I've been in the total dumps with the fertility issues I have and work has been very trying lately. I attacked and decorated the house with vengeance to literally evoke the Christmas spirit wherever I turned. I forced Kent to listen to Delilah on 106.9 ( I know, gross) the station where sappy Christmas dedications are played for hours on end. Maybe someday I will send Delilah a dedication to play for Kent about how much I love him. Truth be told we probably wouldn't listen to 106.9 during dinner but sadly this station gets the best transmission.
Our Christmas celebration started on the 23rd with a trip to the Paramount Theatre to see the Rockettes. I was looking forward to seeing this show, but within 5, yes 5, minutes of the show starting I knew we were in trouble. It was frickin' awful, like I wanted to strangle myself during almost every act. The dancing by the Rockettes themselves was not that terrible, but the bloody mish mash of holiday spirit in between proved to be too much. We left before the show ended and it was the best decision I made about the show.
Kent looking oh so cute in his fashionable velvet jacket
On Christmas Eve I had to work for a few hours that morning, which ended up not being that bad. Patients were in good moods as was the staff. Kent and I went and picked up him mom and dropped her off at her friends house. Kent's mom has total issues and right now it is best that she hangs out with Sylvia, someday we will find a better balance hopefully and I can handle her condition a bit better. I was worried about doing anything this day as the cyst I had more than likely popped as I had incredible pain for several days in my left ovary. The pain was steady and spiked occasionally. This pain was pretty bad as we were driving out to Kent's Aunt's house, but luckily we managed. Kent's Aunt Lisa has 2 children, and we hung out at her house for a few hours, sang a few songs and then rushed back to Seattle for the evenings true entertainment.
Dina Martina in the flesh, whose to say a picture is not worth a 1,000 words?
First I must admit that when Kent's friend Monika invited us to The Dina Martina Christmas Show I didn't know what to think. I told Kent Jesus would not like this and hanging out at a bar on Christmas Eve just didn't seem right. Monika and Kent convinced me that the holidays were about spending it with friends and family, and truthfully, Monika is like Kent's sister. Monika's boyfriend Miles is from Britain and this was his first holiday without his family so it only felt right to spend it together. When we arrived at the Re-bar I was happy to see the show was sold-out and within 5 minutes of the opening number I knew I was at the right place. I have not laughed that hard in months, many many months. The show was so funny and everyone around us was so nice and full of holiday good will. Tears practically rolled down my face as "she" performed her own rendition of holiday songs. This show literally brought me my spirit back. I walked out of that bar and felt better than I had in months. How I wish I could put some of the performance up on my blog, it just rocked.
As we were leaving Monika and Miles asked us to join them next door for Ethiopian food. I immediately thought, of course, Ethiopian food...it is about as Christmas as attending a drag queen holiday special on Christmas Eve. We walked into the restaurant at 10pm on Christmas Eve and it was very quiet and we were definitely the only non-African patrons. Monika and Miles have both been to Africa several times so they instantly knew what to order. We all washed our hands and dug in. It was spicy and yummy. I didn't quite care for the Injera, which is the spongy like bread that you use to "eat" the food with. No utensils used here, just bread. I did like the assorted vegetarian dips and the lamb wot was quite tasty. We finally left at midnight as I told Mr. Davis that Santa was coming and we needed to stay on his "nice" list. We bid farewell to Monika and Miles and rushed home to fill each others stockings.
Santa was very good to both of us. I love how Kent wraps every one of the items he puts in my stocking. He was so sweet and bought me my beautiful navy handbag that I have been coveting for months.
Kent and I are doing our best to live by a budget (well talking is more like it..talking about being on a budget) so I couldn't justify the purse. Christmas morning though there was a wacko present wrapped like a giant tube and shoved in here was my navy beauty. We then had to hurry and dash to my parents house in Puyallup to have many, many presents to open and food to gorge on.
My Grandma June with the largest box of Russel Stover chocolates ever created. She loves this crappy candy...and she's totally diabetic. She is 88 and rocks though.
This holiday turned out really well. I was so concerned with how emotional I have been recently that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I did though, I enjoyed it. I didn't cry when I saw big pregnant bellies or commercials for Folgers coffee. I looked around me and saw this awesome husband of mine and the life we have. This Christmas was very special and I look with great joy to the New Year.
Our Christmas celebration started on the 23rd with a trip to the Paramount Theatre to see the Rockettes. I was looking forward to seeing this show, but within 5, yes 5, minutes of the show starting I knew we were in trouble. It was frickin' awful, like I wanted to strangle myself during almost every act. The dancing by the Rockettes themselves was not that terrible, but the bloody mish mash of holiday spirit in between proved to be too much. We left before the show ended and it was the best decision I made about the show.
Kent looking oh so cute in his fashionable velvet jacket
On Christmas Eve I had to work for a few hours that morning, which ended up not being that bad. Patients were in good moods as was the staff. Kent and I went and picked up him mom and dropped her off at her friends house. Kent's mom has total issues and right now it is best that she hangs out with Sylvia, someday we will find a better balance hopefully and I can handle her condition a bit better. I was worried about doing anything this day as the cyst I had more than likely popped as I had incredible pain for several days in my left ovary. The pain was steady and spiked occasionally. This pain was pretty bad as we were driving out to Kent's Aunt's house, but luckily we managed. Kent's Aunt Lisa has 2 children, and we hung out at her house for a few hours, sang a few songs and then rushed back to Seattle for the evenings true entertainment.
Dina Martina in the flesh, whose to say a picture is not worth a 1,000 words?
First I must admit that when Kent's friend Monika invited us to The Dina Martina Christmas Show I didn't know what to think. I told Kent Jesus would not like this and hanging out at a bar on Christmas Eve just didn't seem right. Monika and Kent convinced me that the holidays were about spending it with friends and family, and truthfully, Monika is like Kent's sister. Monika's boyfriend Miles is from Britain and this was his first holiday without his family so it only felt right to spend it together. When we arrived at the Re-bar I was happy to see the show was sold-out and within 5 minutes of the opening number I knew I was at the right place. I have not laughed that hard in months, many many months. The show was so funny and everyone around us was so nice and full of holiday good will. Tears practically rolled down my face as "she" performed her own rendition of holiday songs. This show literally brought me my spirit back. I walked out of that bar and felt better than I had in months. How I wish I could put some of the performance up on my blog, it just rocked.
As we were leaving Monika and Miles asked us to join them next door for Ethiopian food. I immediately thought, of course, Ethiopian food...it is about as Christmas as attending a drag queen holiday special on Christmas Eve. We walked into the restaurant at 10pm on Christmas Eve and it was very quiet and we were definitely the only non-African patrons. Monika and Miles have both been to Africa several times so they instantly knew what to order. We all washed our hands and dug in. It was spicy and yummy. I didn't quite care for the Injera, which is the spongy like bread that you use to "eat" the food with. No utensils used here, just bread. I did like the assorted vegetarian dips and the lamb wot was quite tasty. We finally left at midnight as I told Mr. Davis that Santa was coming and we needed to stay on his "nice" list. We bid farewell to Monika and Miles and rushed home to fill each others stockings.
Santa was very good to both of us. I love how Kent wraps every one of the items he puts in my stocking. He was so sweet and bought me my beautiful navy handbag that I have been coveting for months.
Kent and I are doing our best to live by a budget (well talking is more like it..talking about being on a budget) so I couldn't justify the purse. Christmas morning though there was a wacko present wrapped like a giant tube and shoved in here was my navy beauty. We then had to hurry and dash to my parents house in Puyallup to have many, many presents to open and food to gorge on.
My Grandma June with the largest box of Russel Stover chocolates ever created. She loves this crappy candy...and she's totally diabetic. She is 88 and rocks though.
This holiday turned out really well. I was so concerned with how emotional I have been recently that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I did though, I enjoyed it. I didn't cry when I saw big pregnant bellies or commercials for Folgers coffee. I looked around me and saw this awesome husband of mine and the life we have. This Christmas was very special and I look with great joy to the New Year.
Happy Holidays....
I'm starting to get that warm feeling, the happiness feeling that I haven't felt for awhile. I am enjoying the beautiful decorating Kent and I did together and the fun things planned over the next few days. I'm keeping my stress at bay, even though it is all around me. I'm controlling what I can and putting the rest aside as it will do me no good. I'm so thankful that I have a husband who will make a mad dash with me to the store and make 12 gifts for all my co-workers on a moments notice (like last night at 8pm).
There are so many reasons that I love Kent, but here is an example of what makes him that fabulous guy. The other night I was putting some presents under the tree and I noticed this one gift that looked really out of place. It's wrapping was terrible, you could see weird paper shredding, cat hair stuck in the tape and the bow was ridiculous. I thought to myself, we don't have kids! I forgot our only kid though is Kent's 16 year old cat Stoney who apparently went shopping for me and wrapped his own gift. The tag said To Mom Love Stoney. The fact that Kent intentionally wrapped this gift poorly and put a chunk of Stoney's fur in the tape is a testament to his thoughtfulness.
This has been a rock and roll of a year, literally. Some days are rocky, some days we roll on by. We've had our seat belts on the entire time though and I couldn't be more happy to be side by side with Kent. My wonderful friends too have been a testament to the word of friendship. Thank you everyone, have a wonderful holiday!
You gotta have faith
I've had the strangest feelings over the past few weeks. The sadness has been tough, knowing that my goal of pregnancy this year did not come. It is a weird pain, an aching in my heart and a little aching for Kent too. I have found myself staring out the window at work and looking at the cathedral that is across the street. I was raised Catholic, but I don't attend church and I could tell you very little about the religion. There are a few things that I loved about church though, I loved the signing and saying peace be with you to strangers around.
This April when we were in Vatican City I joked with Kent that I wanted him to pray for smaller thighs for me. I actually said a silent prayer to God, asking him to help me become a mom. I mean can I get any closer to the higher ups within the Catholic world? My entire life I have worried about getting pregnant, I have no idea why. I've always been really overweight and feared nobody would love me enough to marry me. But deep down I've had a suspicion. You don't start your cycle at 10 and have it be crazy forever. I use to joke that I could go through a box of tampons in a year, and I'm not talking Costco size boxes. Friends were envious of my missing cycle, but the envy is over. Now it is more of a pity.
This past week-end I found myself at a house party and I wasn't prepared mentally, the questions about how our marriage was and what we were up to. The prying of personal questions about why things have been hard (I was just too honest, it just came out). I'm not a sweet talker when things are not sweet. I was honest and said we were going through a rough patch with starting a family. But my favorite was the discovery that this bitchy woman that Kent has known since high school, who was married in late September, got knocked up on her honeymoon and was walking around rubbing her belly (which is flatter than a board) and telling everyone her good news. I had not seen her since last Christmas, when she sulked on the sofa because there was no engagement ring on her finger. So when I saw her I naturally said congrats, as in congrats on your wedding, but she patted her flat-ass belly and smiled. France was "good to them." I probably turned white as a ghost and I wanted to scream, "are you F*ing kidding me!" but that is nasty and I am doing my best to combat this negative mind of mine. I know this is rude and selfish, but she is bitchy, down right bitchy, always has been, always will be. Knowing she is going to be someones mom so quickly....ahhh...this is where my faith needs to come in. Faith that Kent and I will continue in a positive way and take care of ourselves. Faith that our dreams will come true, somehow, someway. So we have the next 4-8 weeks of taking care of ourselves and not focusing on TTC. I honestly may find myself on the lawn of that church, saying a little prayer for myself that hopefully someone is listening too.
This April when we were in Vatican City I joked with Kent that I wanted him to pray for smaller thighs for me. I actually said a silent prayer to God, asking him to help me become a mom. I mean can I get any closer to the higher ups within the Catholic world? My entire life I have worried about getting pregnant, I have no idea why. I've always been really overweight and feared nobody would love me enough to marry me. But deep down I've had a suspicion. You don't start your cycle at 10 and have it be crazy forever. I use to joke that I could go through a box of tampons in a year, and I'm not talking Costco size boxes. Friends were envious of my missing cycle, but the envy is over. Now it is more of a pity.
This past week-end I found myself at a house party and I wasn't prepared mentally, the questions about how our marriage was and what we were up to. The prying of personal questions about why things have been hard (I was just too honest, it just came out). I'm not a sweet talker when things are not sweet. I was honest and said we were going through a rough patch with starting a family. But my favorite was the discovery that this bitchy woman that Kent has known since high school, who was married in late September, got knocked up on her honeymoon and was walking around rubbing her belly (which is flatter than a board) and telling everyone her good news. I had not seen her since last Christmas, when she sulked on the sofa because there was no engagement ring on her finger. So when I saw her I naturally said congrats, as in congrats on your wedding, but she patted her flat-ass belly and smiled. France was "good to them." I probably turned white as a ghost and I wanted to scream, "are you F*ing kidding me!" but that is nasty and I am doing my best to combat this negative mind of mine. I know this is rude and selfish, but she is bitchy, down right bitchy, always has been, always will be. Knowing she is going to be someones mom so quickly....ahhh...this is where my faith needs to come in. Faith that Kent and I will continue in a positive way and take care of ourselves. Faith that our dreams will come true, somehow, someway. So we have the next 4-8 weeks of taking care of ourselves and not focusing on TTC. I honestly may find myself on the lawn of that church, saying a little prayer for myself that hopefully someone is listening too.
TGIF
Today I have begun a journey that I hope to continue over the next 4-6 weeks. This is a journey to pick myself off of the "floor" and rediscover who I am. I'm ashamed at the constant neglect of myself and my emotions. Last night I sobbed to Kent, asking him to let me quit my job, as the stress and emotional overload is overwhelming. Knowing that is not an option for many reasons I've realized that I can either wallow in pity and continue falling further and further, or I can reach out for help and reach within myself as well.
Yesterday my BFF Susan was reminding me of how every goal I have wanted I have achieved. We've known each other for many years. She and I met while I worked at the Westin hotel and I was finishing up at the UW. She has watched me graduate, conquer weight loss and fitness goals of 1/2 marathons and triathlons and truly test myself to the maximum by allowing myself to find the courage to date which ultimately allowed me to meet and marry the most incredible man. Since we have been married though I have had a secret underlying fear of infertility. I have known that I have PCOS and that this is the leading cause of infertility. Being that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would find the courage to allow someone to love me, I was not worried about the pregnancy thing. My marriage is wonderful, but this fear of infertility is robbing it of the joy that was once there.
Today I found myself reading a book that I have had on my shelf for quite some time. It is a book about one's emotions and how much of a prisoner we are within ourselves. I've combated years of not feeling worthy, regardless of the relentless pursuit I put towards things. I'm a 100% or nothing kind of lady. This is not life though, this is a death sentence as I can not be perfect all the time. The quote that really stuck out for me was referring to emotional freedom and how we can view our emotions and the stronghold they have on us. "To make this a reality (emotional freedom) you must begin to see each event of your life, uplifting or hurtful, earthshaking or mundane, as a chance to grow stronger, smarter, more light-bearing. But here's where many of us hit a wall. We're ashamed of feeling afraid, inadequate, lonely, as if we've failed or done something wrong. No matter what you've experienced, there is always hope for change and healing. It's a miracle within reach. Don't be afraid to want it."
For some reason that is just resonating with me. I'm so angered and feel robbed by infertility and the medications I need to combat that problem. I'm afraid all the time. I'm pushing my fear and sadness down with foods that do more harm than good. I've lost that spirit within myself that is always a show stopper (I'm great in a crowd). I have gratitude though that I am able to see the good in life, the good in my friends and I have never faltered on finding joy for others and their successes. I'm a cheerleader, a really big boned cheerleader for the world who is struggling to find a hoorah.
My TGIF for today is to myself, for finding the courage to come to work after a hallacious week and for taking a small step forward to that woman I use to be. She is surely not lost, she is just a bit cloudy.
"When it looked like the sun wasn't gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds." Dr. Maya Angelou
Yesterday my BFF Susan was reminding me of how every goal I have wanted I have achieved. We've known each other for many years. She and I met while I worked at the Westin hotel and I was finishing up at the UW. She has watched me graduate, conquer weight loss and fitness goals of 1/2 marathons and triathlons and truly test myself to the maximum by allowing myself to find the courage to date which ultimately allowed me to meet and marry the most incredible man. Since we have been married though I have had a secret underlying fear of infertility. I have known that I have PCOS and that this is the leading cause of infertility. Being that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would find the courage to allow someone to love me, I was not worried about the pregnancy thing. My marriage is wonderful, but this fear of infertility is robbing it of the joy that was once there.
Today I found myself reading a book that I have had on my shelf for quite some time. It is a book about one's emotions and how much of a prisoner we are within ourselves. I've combated years of not feeling worthy, regardless of the relentless pursuit I put towards things. I'm a 100% or nothing kind of lady. This is not life though, this is a death sentence as I can not be perfect all the time. The quote that really stuck out for me was referring to emotional freedom and how we can view our emotions and the stronghold they have on us. "To make this a reality (emotional freedom) you must begin to see each event of your life, uplifting or hurtful, earthshaking or mundane, as a chance to grow stronger, smarter, more light-bearing. But here's where many of us hit a wall. We're ashamed of feeling afraid, inadequate, lonely, as if we've failed or done something wrong. No matter what you've experienced, there is always hope for change and healing. It's a miracle within reach. Don't be afraid to want it."
For some reason that is just resonating with me. I'm so angered and feel robbed by infertility and the medications I need to combat that problem. I'm afraid all the time. I'm pushing my fear and sadness down with foods that do more harm than good. I've lost that spirit within myself that is always a show stopper (I'm great in a crowd). I have gratitude though that I am able to see the good in life, the good in my friends and I have never faltered on finding joy for others and their successes. I'm a cheerleader, a really big boned cheerleader for the world who is struggling to find a hoorah.
My TGIF for today is to myself, for finding the courage to come to work after a hallacious week and for taking a small step forward to that woman I use to be. She is surely not lost, she is just a bit cloudy.
"When it looked like the sun wasn't gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds." Dr. Maya Angelou
When life hands you lemons...
This past week, actually couple of weeks have been difficult. My left ovary has been the only one that has really done anything...produced a large enough follicle with the potential to ovulate. This past month I did not ovulate, but I have been crampy and really uncomfortable at times. I finally decided to face the music and had an ultrasound today that confirmed my suspicions...a cyst larger than a lemon in my left ovary. Damn it! I'm frustrated as it stops the TTC for as long as it is there and it gets in the way of my exercise. My trainer is really frustrated with me and this is just another log on the fire of excuses that is flaming out of control. I was so proud of myself this past week-end as I was feeling optimistic about getting control of my body, and hopefully my mind and my emotions.
I remember when I first started writing this blog. I was going to talk about my life and what is rambling inside this brain of mind. In no way did I think this crap I've been talking about for the past 6 months was going to be part of my vocabulary. I felt so sad today when I called Kent and told him about the cyst and how everything is on hold until it goes away. I feel bad that I am the one with problems. It is humbling at times and it is also a slap in the face. I'm doing my best to take everything one day at a time. Knowing that I have the next 6 weeks off from TTC and that I will be drug free is a pleasant thought. I plan to take this time off to my advantage. I'm embarrassed at how much weight I have gained...25 pounds. It is so hard for me to lose weight and to know that I have just slid further and further every month is so sad. Today is not about a pity party, it more of a very rude awakening.
I remember when I first started writing this blog. I was going to talk about my life and what is rambling inside this brain of mind. In no way did I think this crap I've been talking about for the past 6 months was going to be part of my vocabulary. I felt so sad today when I called Kent and told him about the cyst and how everything is on hold until it goes away. I feel bad that I am the one with problems. It is humbling at times and it is also a slap in the face. I'm doing my best to take everything one day at a time. Knowing that I have the next 6 weeks off from TTC and that I will be drug free is a pleasant thought. I plan to take this time off to my advantage. I'm embarrassed at how much weight I have gained...25 pounds. It is so hard for me to lose weight and to know that I have just slid further and further every month is so sad. Today is not about a pity party, it more of a very rude awakening.
Struggling
This week I am struggling beyond belief. I'm so up and down right now that I can barely handle it. It is strictly a mood thing, an inability to control my moods. I'm crying, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm pissed, I'm every once in awhile elated with joy. The problem though is I feel like a time bomb, never knowing what is going to come out of my mouth or through my body language. Here's what really upsets me, I'm not upset right now about anything. Of course I would like to be pregnant but I understand this is going to take some time and I am in good hands. I'm ready to embark on a new eating plan that was given to me by my new nutritionist. I'm looking forward to the holidays and spending time with Kent, friends and family. I love my holiday decorations and the fun events we have planned. I'm pissed right now that I'm not able to enjoy it because of some drug I took 3 weeks ago. I've wondered if because I didn't ovulate it has made my hormonal surges even more.
Here's a TGIF for my husband and co-workers who are doing their best to put up with me!
Here's a TGIF for my husband and co-workers who are doing their best to put up with me!
Positve direction
Happy Monday. I'm super sick right now, but I see the end is near and a few new positive hopes in our sights. This past week I went to a nutritionist with the hopes that I could get some new information to help me combat these 20 (jesus christ) pounds that I have put on this year. One hour later, probably $200 out the door, I learned something that I needed to discover this way...I am pretty damn smart when it comes to nutrition and my body. This doesn't mean that I am always making the right decisions, but I literally left this hour long consultation with nothing. Who in the hell doesn't know that a balanced snack like a string cheese and 5 almonds is a good idea. I left pissed and on the next hunt. A few days later, I totally scored. Through two different doctors I was able to get in touch with a nutritionist who lives in Arizona and her speciality is PCOS; not just a little dabble here and there; her passion is PCOS and helping women through the difficulties that come with this. I am jacked! Honestly, I think this is seriously good news. She gets the insulin component and she will help me with weekly meetings. I'm having my first conference call with her on Wed. I know that only a few people read this blog, but for any PCOS peeps out there she has a blog www.incyst.com.
Today Kent and I also had a follow-up with the RE that I immediately scheduled after finding out we failed this cycle in ovulating. 5 minutes into the conversation I felt my shoulders relax and my tummy calmed down. He apologized for the ARNP making such an off the cuff statement about IVF being our next step. He helped us understand that normally you have 4 successful clomid ovulation cycles and if there is no pregnancy then we move on to another pill, Femera, before we begin injections. IVF and other invasive tests and surgeries are in the far future for now. I am just an almost too be 35 year old woman with PCOS, I just don't ovulate. Everything else looks good so we will continue down this route. When ever my period shows up we will up our cycle of clomid to 150mg (shit) and we will try this two more times. He also didn't think we needed to do the IUI as Kent's junk is awesome. For my peace of mind and a mere $400 I would rather do IUI as it gives us just a little better shot. Oh..and he took me off Metformin! Thank you baby Jesus as my tummy is forever grateful.
So these next few weeks are going to be about relaxing, celebrating with friends and family over the holiday season and beginning a positive journey back into weight loss and taking care of myself. This is the best gift I can give myself right now (that still doesn't mean I don't want that beautiful Navy handbag Kent..hint hint hint). This past week-end we enjoyed our annual "Cousin" holiday dinner with one of Kent's few relatives, his cousin Brian and wife Liz. Our outing included drinks, dinner, drinks, carousel ride, drinks, more drinks and a nightcap of drinks. Hey...I'm not pregnant yet, so let the holidays be merry and bright!
Today Kent and I also had a follow-up with the RE that I immediately scheduled after finding out we failed this cycle in ovulating. 5 minutes into the conversation I felt my shoulders relax and my tummy calmed down. He apologized for the ARNP making such an off the cuff statement about IVF being our next step. He helped us understand that normally you have 4 successful clomid ovulation cycles and if there is no pregnancy then we move on to another pill, Femera, before we begin injections. IVF and other invasive tests and surgeries are in the far future for now. I am just an almost too be 35 year old woman with PCOS, I just don't ovulate. Everything else looks good so we will continue down this route. When ever my period shows up we will up our cycle of clomid to 150mg (shit) and we will try this two more times. He also didn't think we needed to do the IUI as Kent's junk is awesome. For my peace of mind and a mere $400 I would rather do IUI as it gives us just a little better shot. Oh..and he took me off Metformin! Thank you baby Jesus as my tummy is forever grateful.
So these next few weeks are going to be about relaxing, celebrating with friends and family over the holiday season and beginning a positive journey back into weight loss and taking care of myself. This is the best gift I can give myself right now (that still doesn't mean I don't want that beautiful Navy handbag Kent..hint hint hint). This past week-end we enjoyed our annual "Cousin" holiday dinner with one of Kent's few relatives, his cousin Brian and wife Liz. Our outing included drinks, dinner, drinks, carousel ride, drinks, more drinks and a nightcap of drinks. Hey...I'm not pregnant yet, so let the holidays be merry and bright!
Unknown Caller
While Kent and I were in Las Vegas for the U2 concert I had many moments that grabbed me and stuck with me. One particular moment was during their song Unknown Caller. There was something about being outdoors, squished into this stadium and having this amazingly large 360 degree screen above my head showing some of these lyrics. Unknown Caller is this really great song on their newest album that I just love. For some reason, this song has stayed with me and is almost on a constant repeat in my mind. Here are a few of the lyrics:
I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all
Go, shout it out, rise up
Oh, oh
Escape yourself and gravity
Hear me, cease to speak that I may speak
Shush now
Oh, oh
Force quit and move to trash
I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
The part of the lyrics that has stayed with me is:
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
On Saturday morning this song was playing in my head as the ultra sound technician told me that my eggs were no larger than a 10. Over and over the lyrics played. Kent and I went home and I tried to take a nap. As I closed my eyes I saw the calendar moving rapidly and started realizing that if we are not pregnant in the next few months, we won't have a baby in 2010. Over and over the lyrics played. Today the 2nd ultrasound showed no growth, even though I had been crampy for the past week. The ARNP told me one more dose of clomid, this time they would try 150mg. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind.
Then I did what I probably shouldn't have. I asked her what happens after this next dose if we don't get pregnant. She took the bait and said IVF. I was startled as I thought that would be the last thing she would tell me. What about all of the injectibles drugs I have heard about, something stronger than clomid. How do I go from something that costs me $800 a month to a procedure that is upwards of $15,000? This seems like telling an overweight person to give up Soda and if they don't reach their goal weight, well than have gastric bypass. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind. Then the tears started, the silent type that just roll down your face. The ARNP became uncomfortable for obvious reasons and then she touched my shoulder and said that it was awkward to see me in the elevator and at Starbucks all the time because she knows how hard we are trying. No shit. I ride up or down the elevator daily with someone from this clinic; just this morning I had the pleasure of riding up with the RE I see. It's either this staff or some pregnant woman.
I feel numb right now. In April my goal was to get pregnant by October so that my baby's first concert would be a U2 show. It is now December and I am meeting with the RE on Monday to make a game plan, one that involves plans I was never prepared for, like IVF. Having PCOS makes pregnancy all together difficult. Once a woman becomes pregnant there is a multitude of higher risks that she faces, like a miscarriage rate of upwards to 30-40%. Many months ago I told myself that I wasn't going to go down the IVF route. I couldn't risk $15,000 a time and potentially lose the baby. I was going to go the adoption route. This decision is something that I figured Kent and I would be forced to deal with in 2011. Like a YEAR from now. We will get through this, somehow we will get through it.
On another side note, my Thanksgiving went well. I made some kick ass recipes. Kent also made me a winter wonderland on our porch with real garland and lights. I love my 7 foot Christmas tree and all of the beautiful ornaments we have bought together. I am having a hard time recognizing the joy of December and the holidays, particularly since I know we are in a tough situation. I am probably going to need to tell my parents, who I don't share very much with. We are a family who does not share. We love each other etc, but we don't share deep, personal things. We don't even use the "L" word.
I just returned from seeing my trainer and I feel better and motivated. I hope anyone out there who is going through the same thing is having more success than I am this month. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all
Go, shout it out, rise up
Oh, oh
Escape yourself and gravity
Hear me, cease to speak that I may speak
Shush now
Oh, oh
Force quit and move to trash
I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
The part of the lyrics that has stayed with me is:
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
On Saturday morning this song was playing in my head as the ultra sound technician told me that my eggs were no larger than a 10. Over and over the lyrics played. Kent and I went home and I tried to take a nap. As I closed my eyes I saw the calendar moving rapidly and started realizing that if we are not pregnant in the next few months, we won't have a baby in 2010. Over and over the lyrics played. Today the 2nd ultrasound showed no growth, even though I had been crampy for the past week. The ARNP told me one more dose of clomid, this time they would try 150mg. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind.
Then I did what I probably shouldn't have. I asked her what happens after this next dose if we don't get pregnant. She took the bait and said IVF. I was startled as I thought that would be the last thing she would tell me. What about all of the injectibles drugs I have heard about, something stronger than clomid. How do I go from something that costs me $800 a month to a procedure that is upwards of $15,000? This seems like telling an overweight person to give up Soda and if they don't reach their goal weight, well than have gastric bypass. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind. Then the tears started, the silent type that just roll down your face. The ARNP became uncomfortable for obvious reasons and then she touched my shoulder and said that it was awkward to see me in the elevator and at Starbucks all the time because she knows how hard we are trying. No shit. I ride up or down the elevator daily with someone from this clinic; just this morning I had the pleasure of riding up with the RE I see. It's either this staff or some pregnant woman.
I feel numb right now. In April my goal was to get pregnant by October so that my baby's first concert would be a U2 show. It is now December and I am meeting with the RE on Monday to make a game plan, one that involves plans I was never prepared for, like IVF. Having PCOS makes pregnancy all together difficult. Once a woman becomes pregnant there is a multitude of higher risks that she faces, like a miscarriage rate of upwards to 30-40%. Many months ago I told myself that I wasn't going to go down the IVF route. I couldn't risk $15,000 a time and potentially lose the baby. I was going to go the adoption route. This decision is something that I figured Kent and I would be forced to deal with in 2011. Like a YEAR from now. We will get through this, somehow we will get through it.
On another side note, my Thanksgiving went well. I made some kick ass recipes. Kent also made me a winter wonderland on our porch with real garland and lights. I love my 7 foot Christmas tree and all of the beautiful ornaments we have bought together. I am having a hard time recognizing the joy of December and the holidays, particularly since I know we are in a tough situation. I am probably going to need to tell my parents, who I don't share very much with. We are a family who does not share. We love each other etc, but we don't share deep, personal things. We don't even use the "L" word.
I just returned from seeing my trainer and I feel better and motivated. I hope anyone out there who is going through the same thing is having more success than I am this month. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
