Love hate relationship

I have a love hate relationship with time. Some days I feel like superwoman and I have conquer the world. Other days I feel like there is no time to do things I enjoy or even those I don't. For instance, my blog. I might not be a blogger anymore. It's not that I don't have anything to say. Maybe it's more that I haven't been taking the time to do it. I worry about my lack of time and how much of it I want to spend with Carter. Being a full time working mom is not easy. My work day is packed and I no longer have a private office. So the thought of coming home, cleaning the house, feeding Carter and Kent, cleaning up, getting Carter ready for bed and then maybe write a quick blog seems daunting. Here's the thing though. As I looked back on my blog, particularly in the early days of it, I am bummed now at my lack of recent blogging. It has been so fun to relook at this time through these pages. So now I am torn, to keep blogging or not to keep blogging? My blog is private, so I can sort of write anything I like. Plus I looked again at archiving my blog through blog2print and it actually put the pages in a better format than years past. So...maybe I will try again to keep this archive going.

October 2011 has been an overwhelming month. My sweet little Carter had his first birthday. I have no photos to prove it yet, as good friends of ours documented the day, but I have a strong feeling it could be months before I get the pics. They feel things need to be perfect before they show me. It was an awesome party, with 50+ people, food that I made myself and joy for all. It almost killed me, but it was worth it. How often does your baby celebrate their first year! Here are a few sneak peeks they sent me.


My favorite so far!


He is such a thinker....


The giant cupcake I made him!

Besides celebrating this awesome time with Carter we have also found ourselves in the middle of craziness by putting our house on the market. It was a tough decision and it is a little weird not knowing what will be happening. This house has been a curse at times and a blessing. We are comfortable in it finally, but the payment is huge and we are wanting to downsize. It will be hard to give up, but I think it is the right thing to do. It has been on the market now for 10 days. There has been quite a bit of interest in it, even though it is a tough time to sell. Actually...I take that back- HOLY SHIT---Kent just called me and somebody has put an offer on my house. My crazy house that has been on the market for 10 days. Whoa, who knows what in the heck is going to happen now.

The world works in mysterious ways. Last night Kent and I discussed that we were going to just go with the flow and know that whatever happens will happen for our benefit. Yikes, I'm too freaked out to think right now....more to come!

Fresh beginning

I wish I could say there was this incredible reason why I chose to stop blogging and took it one step further and make my blog private. In all honesty, I felt like I couldn't be honest. There is nothing traumatic happening to Kent or I. I feel like we are on a good path, but there are some definite changes on our horizon. I have really focused over this past year on being "real." I wanted an authentic experience when I wrote about my day or an event, not something I had to reword for sake of someone discovering my blog.

Over the past few months I've had some serious doubts about my job, even though I have worked there for 10+ years. Knowing that I might soon be faced with looking for a job, I needed to clean up my online world. Plus, I'm tired of not being able to really say what I want to. You have no clue who is reading your blog and I my forum has never wanted to be one of inspiration. It's just my life, as big or small as it may appear to those who do read what I write.

Life is good though, it really is. I'm really starting to tackle my fears of life again. Fear of debt, fear of losing my job, working on my insecurities about myself. It has been very eye opening and difficult, but in my heart I know that I am capable of handling whatever comes to me. I don't consider myself to be religious, but I am spiritual. I am in a really good place right now and I'm actually glad that I finally found the courage to face some of my fears head on. I don't want to live my life in denial and I'm over trying to fix situations that I have no control over.

What I do have control over is loving my family, loving my friends and taking good care of myself. I'm excited about what is potential over the next 6-18 months. Kent and I are trying to get pregnant again, which is a really mixed bag of emotions for me. I'm so grateful that I have my little Carter though, as it really does make the waiting game and unknown significantly more manageable. I'm looking forward to celebrating Carter's 1st birthday next week-end. I really can't believe it has been a year. I love him more than I can explain.

Here is to new beginnings!