Life

Our computer at home is seriously on the fritz and I've been swamped at work, which leaves no time to blog. So much has been happening. When I think that I haven't blogged for over a month, it is almost ridiculous at the changes that have been happening with Carter. The major change is that he is now eating solids. We started him on rice cereal and he was not too happy about it at first.



We are doing much better now after a few weeks. So far I have made him sweet potatoes, peas, carrots and mashed banana and avocado. I have enjoyed making his baby food and I plan on introducing meat soon. It just sounds so gross to blend up hamburger! Kent has been great about feeding Carter at about 6pm while I make our dinner. It is fun to have Carter sitting up in his high chair and staring at us while we eat dinner. Here he is on our first attempt at the high chair.



Carter is definitely getting more curious. He is not rolling over, but he is making his way round and round the exersaucer daily. I love that he is remembering which buttons make noise, which toys move etc. He looks so darn cute in it as well!



For the first couple of months the nanny was giving Carter his bath during the daytime. I really missed doing this and I wanted to establish a nighttime routine. Plus, I wanted to dress him up in his bathrobe! Last night we had our first bath together based on the recommendation of some parent friends of ours. It was all great until I lifted Carter out of the tub and a giant green turd was hanging out of his toosh. Carter has become a little constipated from his solids and I was hoping the bath would help him go, but I wanted that to happen in the diaper, not the tub!



Mr. Carter Davis is now 5 1/2 months old. I honestly cannot believe it. I love him so much. I am so excited to see him, hold him and kiss his little cheeks. I love to read stories to him and play on the floor. My life is this little guy and I wouldn't want it any other way!

Gratitude

I feel overcome with emotions today. This morning I bundled Carter up and took him to Children's Hospital for his first occupational visit for his Torticollis. I wasn't nervous about the appointment, I was nervous about the experience. Children's Hospital is this amazing place that people travel from all over the world with the hope to help their sick child. They have print and TV ads that make me cry when I see the sick little babies with tubes in their noses. The killer ones are on a local radio station that does a big radiothon for the hospital and to hear the stories of triumph and sorrow from the parents is almost too much for me to process.

Today while Carter's nanny and I were in line to get our badges I was overcome with this feeling of gratitude that my little guy just has a stiff neck. The family behind me in line was pushing a child that was probably 5ish, with no hair, and a multitude of stitches on his head that looked like a patch work quilt. I thought about this family and then I thought about mine. I wondered how I would handle the stress and pain that this mom experiences daily, to see your child suffering. I said a little prayer for them and then I looked into my sweet Carter's eyes and hoped that we would not be visiting often. I also realized how important it is to step back from one's own life and look around. There are many families that go to this hospital who can't afford it, and they aren't turned down. With my one hour experience this morning I now know that a small donation, or some volunteer work later in my life is something that will happen. I pray that Carter continues to be the happy and healthy baby he is, and if something is to change, I'm grateful for my experience today and witnessing pure strength and love today.


I hate this was taken with my Iphone, but I needed to have a photo taken of Carter and Kent right before we left for the hospital. I wanted to have this image with me.

Torti-what?

The last few weeks have been a definite improvement over January. Healthy meals are on our table, fitness is happening daily, and a happy mommy means a happy family. Kent and I are working better as a team, finding ways that we each can feel supported. I had a minor fit the other evening about my work load and how it felt unbalanced. We are finding ways to remedy that and some of it is also my own doing. I like a clean house, clean like everything in its place before I go to bed. I like to dust weekly. Now that I have less time something has to give. For awhile it was my exercise and my sanity, but not any longer. I'm going to dust every other week! Applause applause. It's almost stupid, but I just like things organized, they make me happy. What really makes me happy though is being healthy, feeling better about myself and spending time with my friends and family. So the swiffer will need to take a back seat.

Kent and I celebrated our birthdays, and mainly his 40th, by having a Wine and Wigs party. This pic pretty much sums up how fabulous it was.


On Friday we took Carter in for his 4 month check up and shots. He was the funniest baby, lying there on that table paper and just kicking the crap out of his legs to make some noise. At that appointment we discovered a few things. He is doing great weight wise, height wise...he is actually long and lean. His chunky parents are so proud. We were shocked by our Doctor telling us to start giving him rice cereal. The latest findings are that the earlier you start feeding your baby, the less chance of allergies. I am going to be honest and say I'm not really ready for that. I feel like we finally have this feeding routine down. We just changed out his nipples for goodness sake. So in the next couple of weeks we are going to try out rice cereal. Then down the road some pureed fruit and vegetables. I still want to try and make some of his food. I wasn't able to breastfeed, so the Mom in me wants to give him the best I can.

Now on to the bad news, or maybe just annoying news. For weeks now I would look at Carter and his head would be tilted. I just figured he was learning how to hold his head up. But he is super stiff in his shoulder and I think this is why he has taken so long to grab on to toys etc that we hold up for him. His Doctor diagnosed him with Torticollis which is basically a stiff neck. We will need to take him to Children's Hospital for physical therapy and stretching. We need to get on this daily to help him or it can get worse. The worst case scenario is he would need surgery to repair his neck. I'm not even going there because we caught this early and the nanny and I are on the same page....get that little nugget some help! I was a little upset about the news, but this is fixable. He will be uncomfortable when we do this, and nobody wants to cause stress or pain to their baby. I hate being stretched so I will sympathise when we do this, but it is a must.

The other bummer is we have to give up the swaddle. He woke himself up almost hourly Saturday and Sunday night as his hands are all over the place, then he starts rubbing his face and the binky falls out. My to-do list is now figuring out a sleeping situation. Carter has been sleeping through the night for months, literally months. Now we are going to have to find a way for him to comfort himself. Generally when I hear the binky fall out (how I can hear this as I don't even use the monitor since he is next door) I run to his room and pop it back in . This might have been a wrong choice. Now that his hands are free he can "eat" them as he doesn't quite get the thumb sucking part. We will get through all of these unknowns, just as we have the previous ones.

Commitment to Myself

The Mothers "guilt" has hit me a bit with my last complaining session about not having time for myself. I really processed this over the week-end and I know that my biggest problem is that I need to get some weight off so that we can start to try for another baby. Weight loss is a struggle for me, always has been, and I really would like to have a healthier pregnancy. My blood pressure is higher now than it was before I had Carter. My weight is off by about 8 pounds, but there is those nagging 30 pounds that I gained while we were trying to get pregnant. I was nervous while I was pregnant as my swelling was extreme and the post preclampsia I had was terrifying. So the complaining about having no time to myself is honestly a complaint that each day I don't find 30 minutes to run, is another day we have to wait to try and get pregnant. I personally would like to go off of birth control in July and then start trying, casually at first, if nothing happens after 6 months, than we are back to the fertility specialists. I am determined to do my best to be healthy though, as is Kent. So somehow each day I am going to have those running shoes on and the laundry, the dishes and the yard work will have to wait. But, my little Carter will never have to.

Carter is doing awesome, like he is my little rock star baby. He is such a happy little guy. We changed out his nipples this past week-end and I'm telling you, what idiots we were to not have done it sooner! He use to take 45 minutes to drink a 5 ounce bottle, now he's done in 15. He is happier, we are happier! We did take him out in his new carrier we bought him, the gemini, and he did great. I still worry that it seems like a "crotch killer" but this one has more support in the legs and toosh area, so hopefully he can handle the pressure!

Now that our remodel is DONE...photos to follow one day, we have time to be a family. We went to the airport Saturday morning to welcome our friends home who adopted a little girl, she is beautiful and perfect. Then we treated ourselves to a little lunch and shopping. Nordstrom has by far the best baby changing place I have found. I love that Mother's lounge. We bought a Jonathan Adler lion that I had been eyeing, it goes well with our modern home. We had lunch and as I was holding Carter I was amazed how many people approached us to say what a cute baby he was. He is a chick and older person magnet! We were again awful and bought his some awesome clothes. I love that damn Ralph Lauren and we scored this fabulous winter coat for next year. I figure that I'm not buying clothes for this body, so I can buy them for him (-: This Friday he has his 4 month check up, I can't wait to see what he weighs!

Screw you January

This is exactly how I have felt for most of January. It was such a difficult transition from a stay-at-home mom to a full time employee and a full time mom. I miss Carter terribly and I am pissed to be in a work environment while my child is being bathed and loved by someone else. I spend my entire day, including my work time, taking care of others and making their "reality" better, often to only get punched in the gut. This is my reality though and I need to make the most of it.

The most challenging thing so far has been the complete lack of time for myself. I honestly don't think I have more than 30 minutes to myself in a 24 hour period. I know that mothers have been saying this for years, but you don't understand it until you experience it. Somehow I am the last one standing, the last one left behind. Jesus I don't even wash my make-up off sometimes before I go to bed. Fitness...what in the hell is that? Groomed nails...I don't think so. God forbid I have time to read a book, listen to music or a peaceful spot I can zone out in without thinking that I have 4 loads of wash to do and there is nothing to eat in the house.

I'm pissed that I have not prepared myself enough for this. Maybe I should have frozen some soups or casseroles. Maybe I should have read more books on sleep schedules so that Carter would go to bed before 10:30pm. Maybe I shouldn't have gained so much damn weight before I actually conceived. Maybe I should learn to relax and work with what I have.

I'm excited about my new Gemini baby carrier and the fact that I am determined to take Carter on a walk tonight. Kent is being forced, by me, to learn 5 healthy meals that he can cook. I can not be the only one in our house who knows how to cook. It will bring resentment and a battle regarding "fairness" down the road. I am doing my best to make the most out of work and the fact that I do have to work. I'm definitely more touchy when it comes to work and my performance.

When I am feeling sad this is what helps me....

What I have learned in the last 3 weeks

I am sensitive
I am easily concerned over things I cannot control
I get anxiety far too often
I enjoy sleeping and have a baby who lets me have a good 7 hours a night
Work is called work for a reason, it's not called Play
My life is what I make of it
Change is not a bad thing, it just can be rocky at times

This past 3 weeks, since I returned to work, has been the absolute most stressed I have been in years. What I am happy to say is that I have not over indulged with food or alcohol and I have allowed myself to "feel" what I need to. Man has there been a lot of tear shedding and self doubt about myself. I had a pep talk with myself though and I am finding myself coming out of this fog. I am able to grasp reality easily and reconnect with what is important to me. I'm ready to take some chances and shake things up a bit, it is just time. I'm proud of my ability to relax when I get home from work and spend the evening playing with Carter and making dinner. I have the life I want, this is no joke. I am beyond overjoyed with my life and what surrounds me. I'm also willing to make the changes that are necessary to weed out what I no longer want. That is a beautiful thing. There's a new clarity that I have that could be do to the fish oil I am back to taking (I honestly swear by that stuff!). The most important point though, I am a working mom who is doing the best she can and it is pretty damn good.



Carter is cracking me up these days. He is happy, such a happy baby. He smiles constantly and is just about ready to start laughing. That I cannot wait for! He brings so much joy to those around him, he is my little shining light at the end of the day.

Pandora's box

Several days ago I asked Kent to go into the garage and pull out all of the boxes that are marked Lisa TT. These boxes of mine are all of the clothes that my mom and I packed up in April of last year, right before we moved into our new home. They are marked Lisa, as they are lady clothes and TT, means Too Tight. I thought I was all cute and witty as I was 2 months pregnant and I knew that I would not be wearing these clothes over the summer, especially as my belly grew bigger and bigger. These boxes, all 8 of them, have been stacked in the corner and looming over me. I knew that once I gathered the nerve to open them, it would be a little like opening Pandora's box.

These TT boxes were filled with sizes of a pretty big scale. Through my entire adult like I have fluctuated constantly with my weight. I held pretty steadily within a 10-15 pound range for several years, even through our early dating years and all of the fun food and wine. I can remember the weight coming on quickly through a stressful point in our relationship, work life, family life etc. Then so very slowly the weight would get lost. The quickest weight gain I had was definitely from June-December of 2009. This was a fast 25-35 pounds and they were all stress and pain induced regarding getting pregnant. All of these clothes that I marked TT, were essentially the clothes I wore prior to this time. Sure there were a few oddities that I had not worn in quite some time, like a size 12 Calvin Klein pair of jeans. I grabbed those jeans today and nearly crapped myself at how small they looked. Granted I only fit into them for about 9 days, the first 9 days of knowing Kent, but I still fit into them. These size 12's haunt me now, because I have no clue how I actually did get into them. They were snug, but nothing that What Not to Wear would hound me about. Now a size 12 may not sound small to some, but I was at one point a 24W, so that is a huge feat for me.

As I was repacking the clothes away, hoping to find a few of my work clothes that would fit, I felt really sad. I was sad for myself, but really sad for Kent. He just came into the office and saw me in here and I started crying and told him how sorry I was that I had let myself go, and I thanked him for being so kind to me. He was pissed and annoyed, as I am a broken record about my weight and health. I think that the weight gain from clomid, stress etc is the hardest for me to swallow as it was just a tough time. The good thing though is that I am ready to get back to that healthier size. I may not get into those size 12 Calvins, or have that super flat stomach I use to (that's what 10 grand and a tummy tuck gets you (-: ) But in all honesty I am ok with that. Most of those clothes in those boxes are obtainable, still fashionable and are ready to be hanging in my closet and not taking up space in my garage.

It seems overwhelming to get back into them, but in all honesty, I am not terribly far from it. Just like my wedding ring, which does get over my knuckle now, but is still too tight, I will get back into these clothes and that healthier lifestyle. Even though I am a mom, a full time employee, a wife and a friend, I am still responsible for myself and my emotions. It's time to work out the balance and get back into my good parts of myself.