Quality of Life

I'm up pretty early this morning, sleep just did not come natural. My mind is swirling and I have to address what it is about.

When Kent and I went on our first date we spoke a little about our families. Kent really did not want to share, but being the nosy one I am, I told him to just go for it. In a 10 minute span I learned he was an only child, his parents were divorced at the young age of 4, his father and him and not spoken for 8 years or seen each other for well over 10 and his mother was homeless and living in her car in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Woah! My gut thought holy crap, what in the hell am I going to do with this? Our first date was really so wonderful though that this information went to the wayside, as it should. I reminded myself that we do not choose our families, I would rather see the friends and acquaintances that Kent surrounded himself with (which is a group of incredible people). I had some serious concerns as the weeks went on, particularly when Kent moved his Mother into his home. It was almost when Jean (Mother) moved into Kent's house, Kent then moved into my apartment. I sort of went back in forth in that part of your brain where you wonder why someone wants to date you and was it just for him to be able to get away from his Mom?

Time obviously proved that theory wrong and he was able to move Jean into a studio apartment about 30 miles away. He paid for her rent, her food and her cigarettes (something I struggle with deeply). Jean has an unfortunately severe case of Bi-Polar; a term that I think is so freely used these days for anyone who is a little off, a little manic or a little depressed. Jean's case is extreme and difficult to control. Kent and I have spent many many hours discussing his childhood so that I could have a better understanding of his mom. At many points in her life she had decent jobs that allowed her to support she and Kent. When he was a little boy he remembers some odd behavior; like eating at Burger King a month straight for every meal. Sounds like a child's dream, but really, an entire month? It was essential that Kent tell me all of these good things about her and her past life because all I could see is a woman who is unable to take care of herself and causes a great deal of stress on the man I love....the man that I wanted to marry. This woman would then become my family, my problem, and ultimately a little of my fears.

Kent and I recently decided to hire Jean a private social worker (who we pay for) to help us through the world of government paperwork and get her better care. Jean is on disability and receives $770 a month to live on; survive on. There is no way that will ever be enough so Kent has always supplemented her income. My husband is a good man, there is just no other way of saying it. I am personally concerned about the quality of her life and worry about how she sits in her small studio watching TV, smoking cigarette after cigarette and living off of TV dinners. I keep thinking that I have the answers, that maybe Kent has missed something and that because we have bags and bags of papers on her that the answer to "fixing" her has just been missed.

Well I think I have just had my first true experience in dealing with the "world" of Jean. Yesterday we were going to see her and to pay her rent and give her some spending money. When Kent called her she told him she was 10 minutes away from calling 9-1-1 because she did not feel good. This is unfortunately something she does often and it just grates me like mad. Kent told her to not too, that we were coming up there; but she did it anyway. To make a really really long day in to a few sentences---we spent 3 hours cleaning her under 500 square foot apartment which was overflowing with trash, dirt and smells; we spent hours waiting for her to be sent home from the ER- but they actually kept her overnight this time (which is a totally different subject regarding the health care system and why they did this). When we went to see her she was lying on a bed and looked so sad and old. This is not how my new mother-in-law is suppose to be. This is not how anyone should be. I had a very stern conversation with Jean that since I am now married to her Son things were going to change; she will now have me to deal with regarding her health. She was upset and told me not to raise my voice at her. It went on for a bit and now I wonder why I even tried.

Who am I to say that living in a studio apartment at the age 0f 61 and your only joys are cigarettes and TV is a bad choice. Jean truly does suffer from an illness and I have so many thought and emotions regarding it. Mental health is high misunderstood and terribly frustrating. Kent has been dealing with this for almost his entire life; I have been dealing with this for about a year. I don't know if Jean's life will ever be any better than it currently is. It is strange that I am consumed right now with someone else's happiness, but Kent can no longer be the only person to handle his mother.
When Kent and I were married we did not say the traditional vows; we said more unconventional vows that truly meant what our hearts said. Somewhere in those vows though I made a pact to this man to stand by his side and support him with all I can. I also knew on that day that I was marrying a truly exceptional man.