The past 2 weeks have been really tough for me. I have missed deadlines at work, became sick, was trapped by snow for several days and sort of just let Christmas pass me by. I feel like today I am finally waking up from a sort of coma. I think this coma was somewhat self-induced, but never less, I am just ready for January to come.
2008...probably the most exciting and nerve wracking year of my life so far. I could write pages and pages about my experiences of allowing myself to love my husband and to be loved by him. I am so fortunate to have Kent in my life and he loves me for all of the craziness and goofiness that surrounds me. Our wedding in July was such an amazing experience. I have never felt that much love and positive energy in one room. We had friends and family travel from all over to experience this day with us. I felt a bit guilty about the time and cost for people, but to be walking down the aisle and seeing everyone was priceless. I loved having people tell me how wonderful the wedding was and how much fun they had. This was our whole purpose in our planning. Kent and I had been single for many years prior so our friends and family have played a crucial role in our lives. This wedding was just as exciting for our guests as it was for us. I will forever remember that day as this pivotal point in my life where I have allowed myself to surrender these beliefs I have about acceptance, weight, love and worthiness. I still reach for these insecurities once in awhile, but bad habits truly are hard to erase.
I, along with most of the world, have felt an enormous impact regarding the security of our surroundings and our future. Money is such a frustrating thing. I was thinking this morning about how luxurious money felt while we were planning the wedding. Luxurious might be an odd word but when these large invoices and bids would be coming in for catering I would think nothing of it. My parents were so generous finacially, but Kent and I still paid a great sum for the wedding. I look at the wedding ring on my hand and it literally cost as much as my car. 6 months later I have a different vision of money, a bit more respect for its ability to provide security and peace. Our house went on the market right as the banks were in trouble and needed to be bailed out. I spent 3 months keeping this house spotless and hoping every night when I came home from work I would find a business card from a visiting agent. The cards slowly stopped appearing and it became apparent that our home was not going to sell. It is not your typical home so it needs to appeal to an investor, not a family. Investing stopped or slowed significantly and our vision of finding a new home stopped. As frustrating as this may be, I have been able to find some gratitude in our situation. If our home would have sold we would have been pretty much debt free and have a reasonable down payment. We would have been able to take 4 vacations in 7 months (Cabo, Palm Springs, New Orleans, Napa/Carmel/San Francisco and have a super expensive wedding without any debt. There would not have been the lesson that we are learning now..the lesson called a budget. As bizarre and embarrassing as this is to write, I have never really lived on a budget. If I want something, I usually get it, except my trip to France in High School--but that's another post. Now that we are saddled with more debt than we generally have it has become a challenge to pay it off. Not a challenge like, holy crap how are we going to pay our bills, but more of a challenge in making good decisions on where to put our money. One of my favorite lessons of 2008...budgeting!
As I am getting older I am realizing that I am turning into a worrier. I keep thinking to myself that everything that has happened in my life over the past 2 years has been so great, so when is that bad going to follow? Ups and downs are just a part of life, but I have sort of become that person who quickly analyzes and thinks through about the "what if's." Those things that I can't control are slowly grating me. I am like a 4 year old who constantly asks their mom "Why?" I am just saying "What if...?" It drives my husband crazy and it is really starting to get to me. My real goal for 2009 is to just take my life one day at a time and to realize that I am far more capable to handle diress than I think I am. It is sort of like the first day of a new quarter in college and you would get that syllabus and think, "There is no way in hell I can do all this!" Well somehow you get it done because you have no choice. I don't really like to give up, so I am really going to have a shift in thought and do my best to focus on the postives and the goals and not the what if's. I can't control everything so I will put my faith in the universe and hope it dishes out something reasonable.
Health. Really, I am not going to waste any time on this. I bitch so much about my weight anymore that I can't even stand to be around myself. My husband catches me freaking out about how tight my jeans are and feels frustrated for me, and for him. Along with having a gluttony of money/finances/spending we were so gluttonous with food and wine. Once that wedding was over and we fit into our suit/dress it was game on. We started on the honeymoon and have continued on. I did break a bone in my foot which really prevented me from doing any exercise, so I pretty much just lifted my hand to my mouth as a method of calorie burning for the past 4 months. We feel motivated though. We are frustrated with how we look, how we feel and the fact that we sort of just gave up on ourselves. I know that I personally slid very far on my list of things to take care of. I am ready to rewrite that list though and try to make some positive choices. I am not trying to have a massive/major makeover. I am still about 65 pounds lighter than I was 4 years ago. I know what I am capable of, because I have done it before. It is such hard work though and that does grow old. What I think grows old quicker though is the constant beating up on myself about the size of my legs or my tummy that is not a flat as it use to be. Plus my boobs are out of control..like if I go up another letter I will throw myself off a bridge (not really- but please Lord don't increse these watermelons another letter!)
My future...it is blinding with possiblity and I look forward to what is ahead. I actually have a partner in crime to plan things with and I can officially no longer check single on my tax returns! I have a husband to be my emergency contact and I love that! As pathetic as it may sound I am really just loving this little world that I am building with Kent. My dreams are big and my life and reality are only better. To 2009...may you bless all of us with peace, hope, triumph and a vision that is blinding with opportunity.
San Francisco. I love this picture because it is sunny and my tan husband is in front of a giant heart. You know this took some pleading to get this shot.
