The Long Overdue Post

All my life people have found solace in confiding to me about their hopes, fears, dreams etc. I have found a way to lock away secrets and keep a cone of silence when required. I'm a little like a professional who offers confidentiality to my clients. I've been holding on to a secret that I have leaked, then freaked out, then buttoned my mouth only to have it snap and my secret leak again. I am pregnant.

It freaks me out to write those words. It freaks me out to even use the word pregnant to describe me. It is a long story and one I have been wanting to share forever, yet I've been wrapped with fear about the pregnancy, the baby, how people will react, especially my friends and fellow bloggers who have suffered for so long as Kent and I have. The best I can do is share my story, as this blog truly was designed as the story of Kent and I.

In late January I found myself scratching my head and wondering why my period had not come. At that point the doctors said no more clomid etc as my left ovary was taken over by a giant cyst. I was told to just go live my life and TTC was off, in the medical sense. I took a pregnancy test on my birthday, it was negative, as I expected and Kent and I went on for the next couple of weeks and had fun, drank up a storm and lived our lives. As I was nearing the 45 day mark I questioned it, took another pregnancy test and it was negative so I started progesterone to get things going. This didn't work and I was getting worried. My main fear was that my cycle was going to start while we were in Palm Springs and I wouldn't have my clomid. Not knowing if my cyst was there still they made me come in for an ultrasound.

The day I went in for the ultrasound I was nervous. I was concerned it had been over 50 days since my last cycle. I, along with my fellow TTC bloggers, see how quickly that calendar moves and I saw my chance of having a baby in 2010 getting smaller and smaller. When the ultrasound technician started the ultrasound she instantly became quiet and started asking me questions. I saw a blob on the screen and I said, "shit, that cyst is still there." She stopped the ultrasound, looked me dead in the eye and said, "no, you are pregnant." I said that was impossible, I wasn't on drugs and I took two pregnancy tests, both were negative. She was very firm, pleasant though, and said I was pregnant and that I probably had a ton of questions. I quickly got dressed and the news flew throughout the fertility clinic...apparently I had a new condition, spontaneous pregnancy.

As I was sitting there waiting for the doctor I immediately started to panic. I had been drinking up a storm (lots of fun events) and because I hurt my sciatica I had been on vicodin, percocet etc. I sat there, fumbling with these pill bottles and then the tears started coming. The doctor told me that I had to forget the past, I was almost 6 weeks pregnant and you now make choices that are correct with the info I have now.

I left the fertility clinic, went up 3 floors to my office, and freaked out. I called Kent and started screaming at him to get somewhere private that he could hear me (he's a contractor) and there was no lovely dovey, I told it like it was, "Kent, I'm fucking pregnant." It didn't even phase him. He said the second pregnancy test looked like it had a faint line (he pulled it from the trash, GROSS!!) He was of course very excited, but I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, and I had a staff meeting to run in 20 minutes. Later that night when we finally were able to see each other there were some tears and utter disbelief. Kent then gave me a present. I opened it up and was reminded of what a thoughtful man he is. When we started TTC I had two baby showers to go to. I started feeling sad for myself and I loved the A,B,C painted blocks that I had bought a friend. Kent went back to the store the next day and bought them for us, to put in our future baby's room. He has been holding on to them for over a year and was so excited to give them to me.

Now we are sitting here at week 14 and feeling pretty optimistic. I'm not going to say that for the first month I wasn't afraid to pee, sneeze, cough or laugh. I was terrified, but as I am finally coming clean about our good news, I'm beginning to get use to the idea of being pregnant and what our futures holds. In about 3 weeks I will have my second big ultrasound that will confirm any abnormalities etc. I tell my baby everyday that we are good and that there is nothing to worry about. We are not going to find out the sex, so right now I just have a little nugget that I am going to love the crap out of.


Ultrasound taken about 2 weeks ago

I'm coming out

Crap, I outed myself at work today and I'm furious at myself. No, I'm not a lesbian, I'm a non-ovulating woman who struggles with baby talk under pressure. Here's the quick and dirty. My boss was discussing with me the trials of the Seattle school district and how he would like to give me some information on picking a house in the right neighborhood, how to change districts etc, if Kent and I were planning on a family someday. I had briefly mentioned a year ago that we wanted a family and we sort of discussed my work schedule and obligations and the flexibility around this. After he made this statement I felt the flush of my face kick in and I was visibly upset. I couldn't come up with a lie about my sudden watery eyes and I'm just pissed. I basically said that we have been trying for awhile and we are having some fertility complications. I explained I was on medication and it is so mood altering that some days I can barely make it to the end without wanting to rip the face off of anyone 10 feet around me. My boss gets this as his family came from the help of science. I feel so upset right now about this, and I don't quite know why. I don't want the poor me look or the next time work is really stressful for it to be thought that it is all in my head (or moods by the drugs) and not the simple fact that I am overwhelmed with work.

I feel sad right now. I haven't thought about babies for several weeks, and it has been awesome. I've been taking care of myself with good food, my vitamins (including daily fish oil) and fitness. I'm excited by all of the plans I have made us for throughout 2010. This planning though is really a precursor to focus on the fact that I am travelling, going to concerts, plays etc to help me get through the months of waiting to see if we are pregnant. It's good to be occupied by something other than my lady business.

Diana Ross...sing it! I'm coming, out...I want the world to know...got to let them know.

Can it really keep going up?

I'm not talking about the DOW or my stress levels. I stepped on this scale this morning only to see a weight gain of another 3 pounds. I have gained almost 7 pounds in 10 days. I'm embarrassed to write these things down. I'm embarrassed that my very loose pants (the one's in the way back of the closet that I was going to give to charity) are just about too tight. What in the hell is going on? I'm almost in shock. I'm not pregnant, that was confirmed by my BFN on the stick this morning. I'm in emotional overload and it is spilling everywhere into my life and is re-entering through my mouth.

I have no more excuses. I have a problem. This is no more a little situation. I feel mentally drained and I really have no serious dilemma's that I am facing. I'm not trying to run a household with three children and a busy husband. I'm really a one woman show with a husband who is pretty close to managing all of his own life/world (except the kitchen part, but he has definitely improved). I stared for a moment at the scale in utter shock. I felt numb, I felt powerless. I packed things for work and cried my way into the office. Then I really cried as I handed over my freshly, untouched book on the Mayo Clinics Guide to Pregnancy to someone else to read, as I don't need it right now. I cried because that is suppose to be my book to read. I bought that book as I was practicing the "secret." Well the "secret" can suck it as far as I am concerned and I will continue on my hormones to activate my cycle and then throw a handful of clomid into the mix a week later. I know there is a serious amount of anger here, but there is this weird process I am going through right now, almost like the stages of grief. My loss is not normal though; I feel like my loss is my life and my control. I have no serenity. I am not going to join a 12-step group for overeating as I just can't handle the literature and placing so much of my life in the hands of a sponsor. Have I really reached so low that I need to call a stranger the next time I want a donut?

My mentality is so low these days. One of my favorite patients came in the other day and I am still weighing heavily with her "insights" into my weight gain. Calories in vs. calories out is an equation of logic and science. My person, my body, my complexities are not able to be solved by simple mathematical logic. My problem is not a potato chip, it is so much bigger than that. This is one of those posts that I really should write but not publish for anyone's eyes other than mine. What is the point though. I'm almost 30 pounds heavier than when I met Kent. There is no hiding this fact, it is as simple as the nose on my face.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was happy for my friend and her good news about getting pregnant so easily. Then I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant women; in the grocery store, in the elevator, walking on the sidewalks, coming into my office. It was like I couldn't escape my pain. I instantly turned to food as a way to numb it down as I just was not in a space to manage it. My guilt over my potentially serious problems makes me feel sad for Kent, even though he has repeatedly told me to stop thinking this way. I'm unclear of where to go next, where to take these feelings. My walks in the evenings have been nice, but not enough. My weekly therapy is just that, weekly. I'm sick of googling for a way out of this situation. Like the next search topic into my pain, my issues will magically appear with all of the answers. I've lost touch with reality and I almost want to just go in hiding for a day or two. Leave everything and find a way to emerge again slowly. Step aside and see things at their face value and the true path my appear. Right now this journey has been side-stepped for a much rockier incline. Somehow my GPS will re-adjust and I will begin to navigate once again. For now though I will remember my little friend Alex, who is 19 now, who taught me a very valuable lesson when I went to college. She called me crying one night and I asked her what was wrong and she told me her heart hurt. She missed me and her heart hurt. I understand what she is talking about right now as my heart hurts too.

U2 part deux

On Wednesday I will be able to purchase, or attempt to purchase tickets to the U2 show in Vancouver BC. I really have loved this band since 1987. I'm not loving how difficult and ridiculous it is becoming to see them live. I am a fan club member with a presale code and even that will not ensure that I get a ticket for Kent and I. My first U2 show I sat behind the stage, but it was still amazing. As the ticket prices increase and the demand is so difficult you start to expect a bit more than just a rock and roll show. I actually found myself debating if I should purchase the VIP seats at a mere $515.00 per ticket. Not only will I get a ticket, but I will get a beer and wine pre-funk party with all of the other posers who took the easy road out and bought their way into the show. I really, really want to see them, but for $1030.00, the cost of gas, hotel and souvenirs....I'm going to really have to think about it. I've thought about it and hell no. I keep thinking I will be fortunate enough to get tickets and I will practice "the secret" which really has been working quite well.

Friday night Kent and I did enjoy happy hour, but it was not so happy feeling the next day. I splurged and had wine, cheese, bread etc. My body has not had this in quite some time so I was basically sick as a dog..a true dog. I know better, yet I don't always do better. We did go and buy me a few pairs of pants at Anne Taylor and I did have to by a size 14 "curvy" but I was glad to find myself back into those pants. This frustrating body of mine is going to realize that we have a ways to go still, but at least we are moving in the right direction. We have two weeks until Italy so I am going to do my best to push it and stay focused.

Shhhh....It's a secret.

Last night Kent and I curled up on the sofa and I popped in a Netflix video. I'm a little embarrassed to say that it was the pop phenomenon known as The Secret. Most people were aware of this by Oprah and it was a national bestseller. The month of December was a little rocky for me personally so I went on a bit of a tangent and decided I needed to really shake my mood and mentality. I went to Netflix and moved The Secret to the top of our play list. When it arrived I was laughing about it, but I decided I was going to give it my best shot.

Right when the video started playing it became hokey. There was flashing lights and weird sound effects. A woman at the beach looking frazzled then she appears again to be waking out of a bad dream. I felt bad that Kent was sitting next to me. I chose this and here he was staying beside me to watch it.

In a nutshell though I actually enjoyed what the meaning was, probably because it really was not that secretive at all. The premise is to focus on your end goals of what you want...a new house, a new job, more money, better health etc. Going all the way to the end and seeing how you will feel at a job that you enjoy and thrive at. Don't think about the steps it takes to get that new job---the resume, schooling, interviewing etc. Focus on the end, what you really want, and it shall find you. I know that athletes have been doing this for years. They focus on going for the gold in the Olympics. They don't think about the hours and hours of training, they focus on that gold medal around their neck.

I am really concerned about my weight gain and I am going to give this a shot. I am going to see myself at the healthy weight I want. I am going to see myself having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy family. I don't care too much about money, finding a parking spot or material items. I really need to find that inner person in me who is capable of reaching a good point of health and hone in on that goal.

I don't know if the secret is for everyone. I personally believe that any postive thinking has to be a good thing. This morning at work we had a server problem and nothing was working. They called me in a panic as I was not in the office yet. I took a big breath, thought about everything quickly, and found a way to resolve it in a calm manner. They laughed in the lunchroom today when I told them I was practicing the secret because I usually get all wild over nothing. I know my husband will appreciate a little calmness in our world as well.