Screw you January

This is exactly how I have felt for most of January. It was such a difficult transition from a stay-at-home mom to a full time employee and a full time mom. I miss Carter terribly and I am pissed to be in a work environment while my child is being bathed and loved by someone else. I spend my entire day, including my work time, taking care of others and making their "reality" better, often to only get punched in the gut. This is my reality though and I need to make the most of it.

The most challenging thing so far has been the complete lack of time for myself. I honestly don't think I have more than 30 minutes to myself in a 24 hour period. I know that mothers have been saying this for years, but you don't understand it until you experience it. Somehow I am the last one standing, the last one left behind. Jesus I don't even wash my make-up off sometimes before I go to bed. Fitness...what in the hell is that? Groomed nails...I don't think so. God forbid I have time to read a book, listen to music or a peaceful spot I can zone out in without thinking that I have 4 loads of wash to do and there is nothing to eat in the house.

I'm pissed that I have not prepared myself enough for this. Maybe I should have frozen some soups or casseroles. Maybe I should have read more books on sleep schedules so that Carter would go to bed before 10:30pm. Maybe I shouldn't have gained so much damn weight before I actually conceived. Maybe I should learn to relax and work with what I have.

I'm excited about my new Gemini baby carrier and the fact that I am determined to take Carter on a walk tonight. Kent is being forced, by me, to learn 5 healthy meals that he can cook. I can not be the only one in our house who knows how to cook. It will bring resentment and a battle regarding "fairness" down the road. I am doing my best to make the most out of work and the fact that I do have to work. I'm definitely more touchy when it comes to work and my performance.

When I am feeling sad this is what helps me....

What I have learned in the last 3 weeks

I am sensitive
I am easily concerned over things I cannot control
I get anxiety far too often
I enjoy sleeping and have a baby who lets me have a good 7 hours a night
Work is called work for a reason, it's not called Play
My life is what I make of it
Change is not a bad thing, it just can be rocky at times

This past 3 weeks, since I returned to work, has been the absolute most stressed I have been in years. What I am happy to say is that I have not over indulged with food or alcohol and I have allowed myself to "feel" what I need to. Man has there been a lot of tear shedding and self doubt about myself. I had a pep talk with myself though and I am finding myself coming out of this fog. I am able to grasp reality easily and reconnect with what is important to me. I'm ready to take some chances and shake things up a bit, it is just time. I'm proud of my ability to relax when I get home from work and spend the evening playing with Carter and making dinner. I have the life I want, this is no joke. I am beyond overjoyed with my life and what surrounds me. I'm also willing to make the changes that are necessary to weed out what I no longer want. That is a beautiful thing. There's a new clarity that I have that could be do to the fish oil I am back to taking (I honestly swear by that stuff!). The most important point though, I am a working mom who is doing the best she can and it is pretty damn good.



Carter is cracking me up these days. He is happy, such a happy baby. He smiles constantly and is just about ready to start laughing. That I cannot wait for! He brings so much joy to those around him, he is my little shining light at the end of the day.

I'm coming out

Crap, I outed myself at work today and I'm furious at myself. No, I'm not a lesbian, I'm a non-ovulating woman who struggles with baby talk under pressure. Here's the quick and dirty. My boss was discussing with me the trials of the Seattle school district and how he would like to give me some information on picking a house in the right neighborhood, how to change districts etc, if Kent and I were planning on a family someday. I had briefly mentioned a year ago that we wanted a family and we sort of discussed my work schedule and obligations and the flexibility around this. After he made this statement I felt the flush of my face kick in and I was visibly upset. I couldn't come up with a lie about my sudden watery eyes and I'm just pissed. I basically said that we have been trying for awhile and we are having some fertility complications. I explained I was on medication and it is so mood altering that some days I can barely make it to the end without wanting to rip the face off of anyone 10 feet around me. My boss gets this as his family came from the help of science. I feel so upset right now about this, and I don't quite know why. I don't want the poor me look or the next time work is really stressful for it to be thought that it is all in my head (or moods by the drugs) and not the simple fact that I am overwhelmed with work.

I feel sad right now. I haven't thought about babies for several weeks, and it has been awesome. I've been taking care of myself with good food, my vitamins (including daily fish oil) and fitness. I'm excited by all of the plans I have made us for throughout 2010. This planning though is really a precursor to focus on the fact that I am travelling, going to concerts, plays etc to help me get through the months of waiting to see if we are pregnant. It's good to be occupied by something other than my lady business.

Diana Ross...sing it! I'm coming, out...I want the world to know...got to let them know.

Struggling

This week I am struggling beyond belief. I'm so up and down right now that I can barely handle it. It is strictly a mood thing, an inability to control my moods. I'm crying, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm pissed, I'm every once in awhile elated with joy. The problem though is I feel like a time bomb, never knowing what is going to come out of my mouth or through my body language. Here's what really upsets me, I'm not upset right now about anything. Of course I would like to be pregnant but I understand this is going to take some time and I am in good hands. I'm ready to embark on a new eating plan that was given to me by my new nutritionist. I'm looking forward to the holidays and spending time with Kent, friends and family. I love my holiday decorations and the fun events we have planned. I'm pissed right now that I'm not able to enjoy it because of some drug I took 3 weeks ago. I've wondered if because I didn't ovulate it has made my hormonal surges even more.

Here's a TGIF for my husband and co-workers who are doing their best to put up with me!

Let me get my dictionary...

Today I was informed I was being Snarky. Upon hearing these words I pondered for a bit and then decided to fully look it up in the dictionary. Here is what it read.

snark·y (snärk)
adj. snark·i·er, snark·i·est Slang
1. Rudely sarcastic or disrespectful; snide.
2. Irritable or short-tempered; irascible.

Several hours prior to being crowned snarky I was thinking that maybe Clomid was not too bad. Maybe my moods were the same and those possible side effects would not make their way into my already highly irritable status. Well it appears that possibly the definition of snarky should make some reference to hormonal imbalance caused by inability to get pregnant and therefore required to take drugs (clomid) to make the requested pregnancy possible. Maybe just a side note of reference. Or Clomid should have a reference to no longer say a side-effect could alter moods, it can apparently bring out the "snark" in all of us.

Snarky, another one to add to the ever-growing list of terms for myself. I shudder to think of the terms people use about me but just don't vocalize.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose

This song is playing in my head this morning as a multitude of crap is swarming around. You would think that because I had almost 10 hours of sleep last night that things would be fabulous as I woke up, that has not been the case today.

1) Kent's car was tagged again by some A-hole with nothing better to do

2) Apprarently I washed my hair twice today with conditioner. I kept thinking that it felt weird while I was curling it. Yes, I use a curling iron, I have yet to figure out how to "round brush it"

3) I have developed tendonitis in my right elbow and my right ankle is screwed up too. I went to the Dr. and was told that I needed to quit with the high heels, ice my elbow three times a day and to just take it easy. Yeah, this growing waistline of mine is so not going to accommodate this. On a budget stand point I at least agreed to Kent purchasing generic brand peas to ice my arm with. No need for organic as an ice pack.

4) Due to #3 I had to wear these bad boys to work today. And it is a wonder I'm not singing, "I'm bringing sexy back" while I am walking into work.


Oh..and these f*ing things were $145.00. Shoot me now.

5) Work is so frustrating anymore that I swear my weight loss is not going to happen if I can't chill out. Stress produces Cortisol which is a serious no-no for a gal like me.

6) My family is at each other's throat. I'm often thrown in the middle which grows really old.


So..how to snap myself out of this. I plan on making a simple dinner and literally going to Denali, turning on the lights in the spin class room and riding my big butt off. My cripled body can handle the spin bike. I also was trying to find a new way to motivate myself as it is so not happening lately. I've got a few options brewing in my brain that I am going to ponder for a bit.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

I am consumed by my "feelings" lately. They keep me up at night, the bog my brain while I am trying to read or work. Even while I was cooking (or attempting to cook) last night my mind was fixated on my feelings. It is so frustrating how easily rattled I am at work lately. These past few weeks have been very trying but I think I have held myself together well and my composure has been quite cool. Towards the end of the day I had a semi-altercation with a contractor for our practice in front of several of my staff and I am still frustrated about it. I lost my cool and sort of took myself down to her level. I felt threatened though and it deemed necessary that I protect my staff and myself as she was being pretty vocal about our inability to perform or follow orders. I am a totally sensitive bunny when it comes to not doing things 100% right. I have done a fabulous job lately at realizing there is only so much I can accomplish in a day and that I can't really beat myself up about every little thing.

Yesterday though I was feeling good and it seemed like things were starting to fall in place well. I feel annoyed at myself that I am even caring this much about something so trivial in the big picture of things. I don't like someone coming into my office for a couple hours a week and telling me that I am not doing my job. Don't dictate to me what is important if you don't have a full breadth of this practice. I could feel this persons negative energy when she entered the practice and I should have recognized this and tried to calm the situation down. Throwing lighter fluid onto the fire does not help anyone or anything.

Now I have had some time to sit and analyze the situation. I am doing some research into the supposed problems that created the situation. There was nothing that was performed incorrectly. This person had everything in their hands and it was correct. What I failed to do was to take a big breath and look at the complaints in a more thorough fashion. I was not given the opportunity to do that yesterday as our discussion quickly became heated before I could look at the initial complaint. I am sitting here realizing that I did do my job right; that my staff performed at my request and at the request of this contractor. Where I failed was to be able to calmly assess the situation and show her the information that she assumed she was missing.

My job is to run a medical practice. I am the Office Manager. I am not big on titles and I often just tell people I work for a Dermatology practice. Nobody really likes the manager of an office. They are the bad guy, the one who has to police everyone. I don't work that way though; I don't carry an imaginary bat that is ready to strike when someone makes an error. I have expectations, but they are reasonable and everyone here at my office maintains these expectations daily. My feelings/emotions/control issues have just got to calm down. I am seriously learning my deep breathing techniques, along with screaming, "Don't Stop, Believing" by Journey in the car as I drive to work. "Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues." I don't really want to sing the blues anymore. My TGIF for this week is to find gratitude that I am a kick ass employee, wife, friend, daughter and human being.