I am a recent convert to the I-Phone and one of the first things I did was look for fun apps. There are various apps pre-loaded, like a compass, calendar, calculator etc. I downloaded a fertility tracker to help me with my business and keep everything organized. Tonight I thought to myself that I should look for a GPS app for my lady business, as she is missing, and no where in sight. I'm day 44 now and not sure what the hell is happening. I started progesterone yesterday, so maybe this will help direct it the proper way. I mean I have a Redfin app that automatically pulls up any house for sale within a 5 mile range of where me and my phone are. Why in the hell can't my period find itself out of my body? Gross, I know, but christ, give me a break.
Oh...I irritated my sciatica somehow and can barely walk. Maybe something like a 3 hour yoga class has something to do with it! (-:
Showing posts with label PCOS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PCOS. Show all posts
Potpourri
I haven't touched my blog in over a week, I feel out of sorts a bit and I just didn't feel like writing anything down. I've just been all over the place this past week. Things have been fabulous and then swoosh, my emotions kick in and I'm in the dumps. I have had some awesome revelations over the past few days about money, stress and fear. They are all rolled up into one giant ball and every once in awhile it gets flung at me and nails me right in the gut. Knowing a little more of what I've been able to "uncover" in the deep parts of my brain has definitely helped. I'm not going to hash it out here, but hopefully I will be able to remember this mantra and not allow myself to go into such stressful places.
This past week I've been reminded of how lucky we all are after the earthquake in Haiti. I complain about my tendinitis, a headache, shin splints etc, but truthfully, that sheer pain and torture those people are going through is almost unbearable to watch. All of those kids who are without parents. All of those parents without their children. I get confused by disasters and the why's of their place, particularly in a religious sense. An area that is already on the verge of being one of the most distraught in the world, and now they face this. I don't really know how to react, but seeing the photographs and video makes me humble as I sit in my lovely home.
Kent and I are still doing awesome with our fitness and nutrition. I can not tell enough people about taking a daily dose of fish oil, the true oil, not the capsules. I put a dose into about 2oz of Kefir and gulp it down. Kent and I both have been excellent about our supplements, water intake and exercise routine. I really need to work on my stress levels though as stress will wipe out all of these other really proactive things I have been doing.
This upcoming week Kent and I have our birthday on Sunday. I'm looking forward to a positive week and a fun week-end. I can't believe I am going to be 35. Really, it just seems like a pivotal age of no longer being a "young" person. I did get an Iphone this week-end to make my best attempt at getting hip like the kids and an old lady in the grocery store yesterday stopped me to tell me how beautiful my skin was. I guess being 35 with technology and botox on my side is how I will ring in this new birthday. Here's to a good week for everyone.
This past week I've been reminded of how lucky we all are after the earthquake in Haiti. I complain about my tendinitis, a headache, shin splints etc, but truthfully, that sheer pain and torture those people are going through is almost unbearable to watch. All of those kids who are without parents. All of those parents without their children. I get confused by disasters and the why's of their place, particularly in a religious sense. An area that is already on the verge of being one of the most distraught in the world, and now they face this. I don't really know how to react, but seeing the photographs and video makes me humble as I sit in my lovely home.
Kent and I are still doing awesome with our fitness and nutrition. I can not tell enough people about taking a daily dose of fish oil, the true oil, not the capsules. I put a dose into about 2oz of Kefir and gulp it down. Kent and I both have been excellent about our supplements, water intake and exercise routine. I really need to work on my stress levels though as stress will wipe out all of these other really proactive things I have been doing.
This upcoming week Kent and I have our birthday on Sunday. I'm looking forward to a positive week and a fun week-end. I can't believe I am going to be 35. Really, it just seems like a pivotal age of no longer being a "young" person. I did get an Iphone this week-end to make my best attempt at getting hip like the kids and an old lady in the grocery store yesterday stopped me to tell me how beautiful my skin was. I guess being 35 with technology and botox on my side is how I will ring in this new birthday. Here's to a good week for everyone.
TGIF
Today I have begun a journey that I hope to continue over the next 4-6 weeks. This is a journey to pick myself off of the "floor" and rediscover who I am. I'm ashamed at the constant neglect of myself and my emotions. Last night I sobbed to Kent, asking him to let me quit my job, as the stress and emotional overload is overwhelming. Knowing that is not an option for many reasons I've realized that I can either wallow in pity and continue falling further and further, or I can reach out for help and reach within myself as well.
Yesterday my BFF Susan was reminding me of how every goal I have wanted I have achieved. We've known each other for many years. She and I met while I worked at the Westin hotel and I was finishing up at the UW. She has watched me graduate, conquer weight loss and fitness goals of 1/2 marathons and triathlons and truly test myself to the maximum by allowing myself to find the courage to date which ultimately allowed me to meet and marry the most incredible man. Since we have been married though I have had a secret underlying fear of infertility. I have known that I have PCOS and that this is the leading cause of infertility. Being that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would find the courage to allow someone to love me, I was not worried about the pregnancy thing. My marriage is wonderful, but this fear of infertility is robbing it of the joy that was once there.
Today I found myself reading a book that I have had on my shelf for quite some time. It is a book about one's emotions and how much of a prisoner we are within ourselves. I've combated years of not feeling worthy, regardless of the relentless pursuit I put towards things. I'm a 100% or nothing kind of lady. This is not life though, this is a death sentence as I can not be perfect all the time. The quote that really stuck out for me was referring to emotional freedom and how we can view our emotions and the stronghold they have on us. "To make this a reality (emotional freedom) you must begin to see each event of your life, uplifting or hurtful, earthshaking or mundane, as a chance to grow stronger, smarter, more light-bearing. But here's where many of us hit a wall. We're ashamed of feeling afraid, inadequate, lonely, as if we've failed or done something wrong. No matter what you've experienced, there is always hope for change and healing. It's a miracle within reach. Don't be afraid to want it."
For some reason that is just resonating with me. I'm so angered and feel robbed by infertility and the medications I need to combat that problem. I'm afraid all the time. I'm pushing my fear and sadness down with foods that do more harm than good. I've lost that spirit within myself that is always a show stopper (I'm great in a crowd). I have gratitude though that I am able to see the good in life, the good in my friends and I have never faltered on finding joy for others and their successes. I'm a cheerleader, a really big boned cheerleader for the world who is struggling to find a hoorah.
My TGIF for today is to myself, for finding the courage to come to work after a hallacious week and for taking a small step forward to that woman I use to be. She is surely not lost, she is just a bit cloudy.
"When it looked like the sun wasn't gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds." Dr. Maya Angelou
Yesterday my BFF Susan was reminding me of how every goal I have wanted I have achieved. We've known each other for many years. She and I met while I worked at the Westin hotel and I was finishing up at the UW. She has watched me graduate, conquer weight loss and fitness goals of 1/2 marathons and triathlons and truly test myself to the maximum by allowing myself to find the courage to date which ultimately allowed me to meet and marry the most incredible man. Since we have been married though I have had a secret underlying fear of infertility. I have known that I have PCOS and that this is the leading cause of infertility. Being that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would find the courage to allow someone to love me, I was not worried about the pregnancy thing. My marriage is wonderful, but this fear of infertility is robbing it of the joy that was once there.
Today I found myself reading a book that I have had on my shelf for quite some time. It is a book about one's emotions and how much of a prisoner we are within ourselves. I've combated years of not feeling worthy, regardless of the relentless pursuit I put towards things. I'm a 100% or nothing kind of lady. This is not life though, this is a death sentence as I can not be perfect all the time. The quote that really stuck out for me was referring to emotional freedom and how we can view our emotions and the stronghold they have on us. "To make this a reality (emotional freedom) you must begin to see each event of your life, uplifting or hurtful, earthshaking or mundane, as a chance to grow stronger, smarter, more light-bearing. But here's where many of us hit a wall. We're ashamed of feeling afraid, inadequate, lonely, as if we've failed or done something wrong. No matter what you've experienced, there is always hope for change and healing. It's a miracle within reach. Don't be afraid to want it."
For some reason that is just resonating with me. I'm so angered and feel robbed by infertility and the medications I need to combat that problem. I'm afraid all the time. I'm pushing my fear and sadness down with foods that do more harm than good. I've lost that spirit within myself that is always a show stopper (I'm great in a crowd). I have gratitude though that I am able to see the good in life, the good in my friends and I have never faltered on finding joy for others and their successes. I'm a cheerleader, a really big boned cheerleader for the world who is struggling to find a hoorah.
My TGIF for today is to myself, for finding the courage to come to work after a hallacious week and for taking a small step forward to that woman I use to be. She is surely not lost, she is just a bit cloudy.
"When it looked like the sun wasn't gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds." Dr. Maya Angelou
When life hands you lemons...
This past week, actually couple of weeks have been difficult. My left ovary has been the only one that has really done anything...produced a large enough follicle with the potential to ovulate. This past month I did not ovulate, but I have been crampy and really uncomfortable at times. I finally decided to face the music and had an ultrasound today that confirmed my suspicions...a cyst larger than a lemon in my left ovary. Damn it! I'm frustrated as it stops the TTC for as long as it is there and it gets in the way of my exercise. My trainer is really frustrated with me and this is just another log on the fire of excuses that is flaming out of control. I was so proud of myself this past week-end as I was feeling optimistic about getting control of my body, and hopefully my mind and my emotions.
I remember when I first started writing this blog. I was going to talk about my life and what is rambling inside this brain of mind. In no way did I think this crap I've been talking about for the past 6 months was going to be part of my vocabulary. I felt so sad today when I called Kent and told him about the cyst and how everything is on hold until it goes away. I feel bad that I am the one with problems. It is humbling at times and it is also a slap in the face. I'm doing my best to take everything one day at a time. Knowing that I have the next 6 weeks off from TTC and that I will be drug free is a pleasant thought. I plan to take this time off to my advantage. I'm embarrassed at how much weight I have gained...25 pounds. It is so hard for me to lose weight and to know that I have just slid further and further every month is so sad. Today is not about a pity party, it more of a very rude awakening.
I remember when I first started writing this blog. I was going to talk about my life and what is rambling inside this brain of mind. In no way did I think this crap I've been talking about for the past 6 months was going to be part of my vocabulary. I felt so sad today when I called Kent and told him about the cyst and how everything is on hold until it goes away. I feel bad that I am the one with problems. It is humbling at times and it is also a slap in the face. I'm doing my best to take everything one day at a time. Knowing that I have the next 6 weeks off from TTC and that I will be drug free is a pleasant thought. I plan to take this time off to my advantage. I'm embarrassed at how much weight I have gained...25 pounds. It is so hard for me to lose weight and to know that I have just slid further and further every month is so sad. Today is not about a pity party, it more of a very rude awakening.
Positve direction
Happy Monday. I'm super sick right now, but I see the end is near and a few new positive hopes in our sights. This past week I went to a nutritionist with the hopes that I could get some new information to help me combat these 20 (jesus christ) pounds that I have put on this year. One hour later, probably $200 out the door, I learned something that I needed to discover this way...I am pretty damn smart when it comes to nutrition and my body. This doesn't mean that I am always making the right decisions, but I literally left this hour long consultation with nothing. Who in the hell doesn't know that a balanced snack like a string cheese and 5 almonds is a good idea. I left pissed and on the next hunt. A few days later, I totally scored. Through two different doctors I was able to get in touch with a nutritionist who lives in Arizona and her speciality is PCOS; not just a little dabble here and there; her passion is PCOS and helping women through the difficulties that come with this. I am jacked! Honestly, I think this is seriously good news. She gets the insulin component and she will help me with weekly meetings. I'm having my first conference call with her on Wed. I know that only a few people read this blog, but for any PCOS peeps out there she has a blog www.incyst.com.
Today Kent and I also had a follow-up with the RE that I immediately scheduled after finding out we failed this cycle in ovulating. 5 minutes into the conversation I felt my shoulders relax and my tummy calmed down. He apologized for the ARNP making such an off the cuff statement about IVF being our next step. He helped us understand that normally you have 4 successful clomid ovulation cycles and if there is no pregnancy then we move on to another pill, Femera, before we begin injections. IVF and other invasive tests and surgeries are in the far future for now. I am just an almost too be 35 year old woman with PCOS, I just don't ovulate. Everything else looks good so we will continue down this route. When ever my period shows up we will up our cycle of clomid to 150mg (shit) and we will try this two more times. He also didn't think we needed to do the IUI as Kent's junk is awesome. For my peace of mind and a mere $400 I would rather do IUI as it gives us just a little better shot. Oh..and he took me off Metformin! Thank you baby Jesus as my tummy is forever grateful.
So these next few weeks are going to be about relaxing, celebrating with friends and family over the holiday season and beginning a positive journey back into weight loss and taking care of myself. This is the best gift I can give myself right now (that still doesn't mean I don't want that beautiful Navy handbag Kent..hint hint hint). This past week-end we enjoyed our annual "Cousin" holiday dinner with one of Kent's few relatives, his cousin Brian and wife Liz. Our outing included drinks, dinner, drinks, carousel ride, drinks, more drinks and a nightcap of drinks. Hey...I'm not pregnant yet, so let the holidays be merry and bright!
Today Kent and I also had a follow-up with the RE that I immediately scheduled after finding out we failed this cycle in ovulating. 5 minutes into the conversation I felt my shoulders relax and my tummy calmed down. He apologized for the ARNP making such an off the cuff statement about IVF being our next step. He helped us understand that normally you have 4 successful clomid ovulation cycles and if there is no pregnancy then we move on to another pill, Femera, before we begin injections. IVF and other invasive tests and surgeries are in the far future for now. I am just an almost too be 35 year old woman with PCOS, I just don't ovulate. Everything else looks good so we will continue down this route. When ever my period shows up we will up our cycle of clomid to 150mg (shit) and we will try this two more times. He also didn't think we needed to do the IUI as Kent's junk is awesome. For my peace of mind and a mere $400 I would rather do IUI as it gives us just a little better shot. Oh..and he took me off Metformin! Thank you baby Jesus as my tummy is forever grateful.
So these next few weeks are going to be about relaxing, celebrating with friends and family over the holiday season and beginning a positive journey back into weight loss and taking care of myself. This is the best gift I can give myself right now (that still doesn't mean I don't want that beautiful Navy handbag Kent..hint hint hint). This past week-end we enjoyed our annual "Cousin" holiday dinner with one of Kent's few relatives, his cousin Brian and wife Liz. Our outing included drinks, dinner, drinks, carousel ride, drinks, more drinks and a nightcap of drinks. Hey...I'm not pregnant yet, so let the holidays be merry and bright!
Unknown Caller
While Kent and I were in Las Vegas for the U2 concert I had many moments that grabbed me and stuck with me. One particular moment was during their song Unknown Caller. There was something about being outdoors, squished into this stadium and having this amazingly large 360 degree screen above my head showing some of these lyrics. Unknown Caller is this really great song on their newest album that I just love. For some reason, this song has stayed with me and is almost on a constant repeat in my mind. Here are a few of the lyrics:
I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all
Go, shout it out, rise up
Oh, oh
Escape yourself and gravity
Hear me, cease to speak that I may speak
Shush now
Oh, oh
Force quit and move to trash
I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
The part of the lyrics that has stayed with me is:
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
On Saturday morning this song was playing in my head as the ultra sound technician told me that my eggs were no larger than a 10. Over and over the lyrics played. Kent and I went home and I tried to take a nap. As I closed my eyes I saw the calendar moving rapidly and started realizing that if we are not pregnant in the next few months, we won't have a baby in 2010. Over and over the lyrics played. Today the 2nd ultrasound showed no growth, even though I had been crampy for the past week. The ARNP told me one more dose of clomid, this time they would try 150mg. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind.
Then I did what I probably shouldn't have. I asked her what happens after this next dose if we don't get pregnant. She took the bait and said IVF. I was startled as I thought that would be the last thing she would tell me. What about all of the injectibles drugs I have heard about, something stronger than clomid. How do I go from something that costs me $800 a month to a procedure that is upwards of $15,000? This seems like telling an overweight person to give up Soda and if they don't reach their goal weight, well than have gastric bypass. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind. Then the tears started, the silent type that just roll down your face. The ARNP became uncomfortable for obvious reasons and then she touched my shoulder and said that it was awkward to see me in the elevator and at Starbucks all the time because she knows how hard we are trying. No shit. I ride up or down the elevator daily with someone from this clinic; just this morning I had the pleasure of riding up with the RE I see. It's either this staff or some pregnant woman.
I feel numb right now. In April my goal was to get pregnant by October so that my baby's first concert would be a U2 show. It is now December and I am meeting with the RE on Monday to make a game plan, one that involves plans I was never prepared for, like IVF. Having PCOS makes pregnancy all together difficult. Once a woman becomes pregnant there is a multitude of higher risks that she faces, like a miscarriage rate of upwards to 30-40%. Many months ago I told myself that I wasn't going to go down the IVF route. I couldn't risk $15,000 a time and potentially lose the baby. I was going to go the adoption route. This decision is something that I figured Kent and I would be forced to deal with in 2011. Like a YEAR from now. We will get through this, somehow we will get through it.
On another side note, my Thanksgiving went well. I made some kick ass recipes. Kent also made me a winter wonderland on our porch with real garland and lights. I love my 7 foot Christmas tree and all of the beautiful ornaments we have bought together. I am having a hard time recognizing the joy of December and the holidays, particularly since I know we are in a tough situation. I am probably going to need to tell my parents, who I don't share very much with. We are a family who does not share. We love each other etc, but we don't share deep, personal things. We don't even use the "L" word.
I just returned from seeing my trainer and I feel better and motivated. I hope anyone out there who is going through the same thing is having more success than I am this month. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all
Go, shout it out, rise up
Oh, oh
Escape yourself and gravity
Hear me, cease to speak that I may speak
Shush now
Oh, oh
Force quit and move to trash
I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
The part of the lyrics that has stayed with me is:
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
On Saturday morning this song was playing in my head as the ultra sound technician told me that my eggs were no larger than a 10. Over and over the lyrics played. Kent and I went home and I tried to take a nap. As I closed my eyes I saw the calendar moving rapidly and started realizing that if we are not pregnant in the next few months, we won't have a baby in 2010. Over and over the lyrics played. Today the 2nd ultrasound showed no growth, even though I had been crampy for the past week. The ARNP told me one more dose of clomid, this time they would try 150mg. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind.
Then I did what I probably shouldn't have. I asked her what happens after this next dose if we don't get pregnant. She took the bait and said IVF. I was startled as I thought that would be the last thing she would tell me. What about all of the injectibles drugs I have heard about, something stronger than clomid. How do I go from something that costs me $800 a month to a procedure that is upwards of $15,000? This seems like telling an overweight person to give up Soda and if they don't reach their goal weight, well than have gastric bypass. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind. Then the tears started, the silent type that just roll down your face. The ARNP became uncomfortable for obvious reasons and then she touched my shoulder and said that it was awkward to see me in the elevator and at Starbucks all the time because she knows how hard we are trying. No shit. I ride up or down the elevator daily with someone from this clinic; just this morning I had the pleasure of riding up with the RE I see. It's either this staff or some pregnant woman.
I feel numb right now. In April my goal was to get pregnant by October so that my baby's first concert would be a U2 show. It is now December and I am meeting with the RE on Monday to make a game plan, one that involves plans I was never prepared for, like IVF. Having PCOS makes pregnancy all together difficult. Once a woman becomes pregnant there is a multitude of higher risks that she faces, like a miscarriage rate of upwards to 30-40%. Many months ago I told myself that I wasn't going to go down the IVF route. I couldn't risk $15,000 a time and potentially lose the baby. I was going to go the adoption route. This decision is something that I figured Kent and I would be forced to deal with in 2011. Like a YEAR from now. We will get through this, somehow we will get through it.
On another side note, my Thanksgiving went well. I made some kick ass recipes. Kent also made me a winter wonderland on our porch with real garland and lights. I love my 7 foot Christmas tree and all of the beautiful ornaments we have bought together. I am having a hard time recognizing the joy of December and the holidays, particularly since I know we are in a tough situation. I am probably going to need to tell my parents, who I don't share very much with. We are a family who does not share. We love each other etc, but we don't share deep, personal things. We don't even use the "L" word.
I just returned from seeing my trainer and I feel better and motivated. I hope anyone out there who is going through the same thing is having more success than I am this month. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
