Fresh beginning

I wish I could say there was this incredible reason why I chose to stop blogging and took it one step further and make my blog private. In all honesty, I felt like I couldn't be honest. There is nothing traumatic happening to Kent or I. I feel like we are on a good path, but there are some definite changes on our horizon. I have really focused over this past year on being "real." I wanted an authentic experience when I wrote about my day or an event, not something I had to reword for sake of someone discovering my blog.

Over the past few months I've had some serious doubts about my job, even though I have worked there for 10+ years. Knowing that I might soon be faced with looking for a job, I needed to clean up my online world. Plus, I'm tired of not being able to really say what I want to. You have no clue who is reading your blog and I my forum has never wanted to be one of inspiration. It's just my life, as big or small as it may appear to those who do read what I write.

Life is good though, it really is. I'm really starting to tackle my fears of life again. Fear of debt, fear of losing my job, working on my insecurities about myself. It has been very eye opening and difficult, but in my heart I know that I am capable of handling whatever comes to me. I don't consider myself to be religious, but I am spiritual. I am in a really good place right now and I'm actually glad that I finally found the courage to face some of my fears head on. I don't want to live my life in denial and I'm over trying to fix situations that I have no control over.

What I do have control over is loving my family, loving my friends and taking good care of myself. I'm excited about what is potential over the next 6-18 months. Kent and I are trying to get pregnant again, which is a really mixed bag of emotions for me. I'm so grateful that I have my little Carter though, as it really does make the waiting game and unknown significantly more manageable. I'm looking forward to celebrating Carter's 1st birthday next week-end. I really can't believe it has been a year. I love him more than I can explain.

Here is to new beginnings!

HMMMMM.....

It feels like forever since I have posted anything. Most of it is a lack of a computer and time, but now I have both on my side (the time for a short while longer). This week I have been plagued by "crap" filling my brain and it has really robbed me lately of my joy. I'd like to think that it is because my period is in full gear, but I know it is so much more. I'm running on empty again, and when I do that it only leads to a downward spiral.

There are so many good things that have happened lately. We have pretty much worked out our property line dispute and Kent and I have both come to terms that this is not the house for us. We have fought constantly about it, but in the end, I think it is strangely going to bring us closer. I know I resented this property and him for putting me through the hell of remodeling it in the height of my pregnancy and maternity leave with Carter. I know that Kent feels bad that this house and neighborhood have been such a bummer as he literally has put months and months of his precious time into it to create an awesome space for our family. I love that Kent takes such pride in his homes and isn't like the typical contractor who never finishes his projects. I worry that Kent doesn't get enough down time but now I know he is determined to get the few lingering projects done in the house so that we can put it on the market next April. Only time will tell how the market is and I am doing my best not to stress about it. If we sell it, than fine, and if we don't, that is also fine. It is a beautiful home and I am comfortable in it, regardless of how much I might complain about how little sunlight we get or the incredible amount of bugs. This is life though. We could be homeless.

Kent took a big step this past 4th of July and we flew down to Reno/Lake Tahoe and saw his Father for the first time in 13 years. Kent and his dad had a falling out years ago and they have not spoken or seen each other in all of this time. Kent was the adult in all of this (which I am super impressed by) and he reached out to his dad around Christmas time by sending him Carter's announcement and a quick letter. Through a few emails we learned his dad is developing dementia and I kept persuading Kent that we needed to go see his dad. Kent wasn't quite ready to, but I had the time off and I turned it into a little vacation as well. We ended up meeting them (Kent's dad and his wife of 20+years) at a small Cafe in Reno. I felt nervous when we got off the plane that I was pushing Kent too much and that this was going to open a pandora's box of sorts. The breakfast/meeting went great. It was perfect in my opinion. The glue that held everything together was Carter, he really does bring joy to everyone. During breakfast Kent left to use the restroom and I watched his dad eye's follow him. His dad then said something to the effect of, "Kent is grown." He then stumbled to say that he was older, but not old. Everyone at that table knew though what he meant. Kent and his dad have missed out on Kent essentially turning into a man. Kent has had multiple businesses, houses and now he has a wife and a son. I saw it in his dad's eyes and it really took everything in me to not get emotional. We took some pictures at the end and I saw Kent's dad tear up a bit and hug Kent and tell him he loved him. I don't care what comes out of this relationship at this point. I don't think this is the last time we will see Kent's dad, but I feel like it was important for both of them to leave the past in the past and move on. After breakfast we left Reno and drove to Lake Tahoe. We had a great time. Kent's cousin and his wife joined us and we rented a house in South Lake Tahoe and enjoyed the lake, the beach and good food. It was a really fun vacation.


Carter at the beach


 
Carter did have a good time on the boat, but he was not in the mood for a family photo

Now that I have a about a week left a vacation before I return to my daily work schedule I'm trying to pick myself out of this funk and come up with a new attitude. I'm feeling sensitive about my life, my connections with people and the true honesty of them. Again, I'm terribly hormonal, and I'm trying to remind myself of that but something just feels off. My brain is firing crap and bringing up some much junk to contemplate. I haven't felt like this in quite awhile. I'm trying to process where it is coming from and I think it is a few things. I haven't really been taking good care of myself. Bootcamp is over and I'm not going to sign up for another session. Mentally I couldn't get over how behind I was in the pack. I remember when I use to be out front, but that was the old Lisa, the one with no baby and really no obligations. It is almost pathetic to care so much, but when you are fat your whole life and you feel judged by others, the last thing I really want to do is to be running around a track and having everyone (except for one person) be waiting for you as they finished their mile literally minutes before you. I was hoping I could find my inner Arnie (my little personal fitness go-getter) but he just wasn't there. What did show up is that embarrassed girl in gym class who couldn't do a pull-up and was terrified that somebody would see her weight. Besides sort of feeling like I am letter myself go I've been having huge insecurities about my ability to be a mom. I love Carter, love love love him. It is nothing to do with that. But I worry that I am not doing things right, that I don't know all of the science about caring for him or teaching him things. I feel like I have 2 full time jobs and Carter is losing. By time I come home from a long day at work I get really sad by the fact that someone else has raised him all day. Financially Kent and I both need to work full time, so being a stay at home mom is out of the question and I'm ok with that. I honestly think I couldn't stay at home 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and be a mom. I know myself well enough that I would go a little crazy and probably have resentment issues with Kent. Knowing these 2 things and I am trying to put a plan into place (in my brain) that allows me to give Carter, Kent and my own self enough time on a daily basis for all 3 of us to feel nurtured and loved. I know there is a balancing act that some days will be off, but I need to at least try.

The other big issue looming is the idea of trying to get pregnant again, I just don't want to go there. I love Carter and having him come into our lives is the best. The idea of the constant worry about getting pregnant and then having a healthy pregnancy is daunting. I am trying to stay positive and focus on the fact that we already have one healthy baby which mentally does help. I worry what another child will bring to our little threesome and if I can keep it all together. Plus I know I have so much weight to still lose and to get bitched at constantly by my OB/GYN is not my idea of fun. I might need to even switch OB/GYN's. Even just thinking about hearing about my weight is enough to set me over the edge. Somehow I am going to get through this though and Kent and I are going to have good things happen for us. We are a strong couple and we survived one round of infertility issues, we can do it again. We might even get lucky again and have a pregnancy that comes without too much intervention.

So today I am going to try to stop the negative thoughts and look around at all of the good.

Here's a few new photos of Carter that I just love....

Life

Our computer at home is seriously on the fritz and I've been swamped at work, which leaves no time to blog. So much has been happening. When I think that I haven't blogged for over a month, it is almost ridiculous at the changes that have been happening with Carter. The major change is that he is now eating solids. We started him on rice cereal and he was not too happy about it at first.



We are doing much better now after a few weeks. So far I have made him sweet potatoes, peas, carrots and mashed banana and avocado. I have enjoyed making his baby food and I plan on introducing meat soon. It just sounds so gross to blend up hamburger! Kent has been great about feeding Carter at about 6pm while I make our dinner. It is fun to have Carter sitting up in his high chair and staring at us while we eat dinner. Here he is on our first attempt at the high chair.



Carter is definitely getting more curious. He is not rolling over, but he is making his way round and round the exersaucer daily. I love that he is remembering which buttons make noise, which toys move etc. He looks so darn cute in it as well!



For the first couple of months the nanny was giving Carter his bath during the daytime. I really missed doing this and I wanted to establish a nighttime routine. Plus, I wanted to dress him up in his bathrobe! Last night we had our first bath together based on the recommendation of some parent friends of ours. It was all great until I lifted Carter out of the tub and a giant green turd was hanging out of his toosh. Carter has become a little constipated from his solids and I was hoping the bath would help him go, but I wanted that to happen in the diaper, not the tub!



Mr. Carter Davis is now 5 1/2 months old. I honestly cannot believe it. I love him so much. I am so excited to see him, hold him and kiss his little cheeks. I love to read stories to him and play on the floor. My life is this little guy and I wouldn't want it any other way!

Gratitude

I feel overcome with emotions today. This morning I bundled Carter up and took him to Children's Hospital for his first occupational visit for his Torticollis. I wasn't nervous about the appointment, I was nervous about the experience. Children's Hospital is this amazing place that people travel from all over the world with the hope to help their sick child. They have print and TV ads that make me cry when I see the sick little babies with tubes in their noses. The killer ones are on a local radio station that does a big radiothon for the hospital and to hear the stories of triumph and sorrow from the parents is almost too much for me to process.

Today while Carter's nanny and I were in line to get our badges I was overcome with this feeling of gratitude that my little guy just has a stiff neck. The family behind me in line was pushing a child that was probably 5ish, with no hair, and a multitude of stitches on his head that looked like a patch work quilt. I thought about this family and then I thought about mine. I wondered how I would handle the stress and pain that this mom experiences daily, to see your child suffering. I said a little prayer for them and then I looked into my sweet Carter's eyes and hoped that we would not be visiting often. I also realized how important it is to step back from one's own life and look around. There are many families that go to this hospital who can't afford it, and they aren't turned down. With my one hour experience this morning I now know that a small donation, or some volunteer work later in my life is something that will happen. I pray that Carter continues to be the happy and healthy baby he is, and if something is to change, I'm grateful for my experience today and witnessing pure strength and love today.


I hate this was taken with my Iphone, but I needed to have a photo taken of Carter and Kent right before we left for the hospital. I wanted to have this image with me.

Torti-what?

The last few weeks have been a definite improvement over January. Healthy meals are on our table, fitness is happening daily, and a happy mommy means a happy family. Kent and I are working better as a team, finding ways that we each can feel supported. I had a minor fit the other evening about my work load and how it felt unbalanced. We are finding ways to remedy that and some of it is also my own doing. I like a clean house, clean like everything in its place before I go to bed. I like to dust weekly. Now that I have less time something has to give. For awhile it was my exercise and my sanity, but not any longer. I'm going to dust every other week! Applause applause. It's almost stupid, but I just like things organized, they make me happy. What really makes me happy though is being healthy, feeling better about myself and spending time with my friends and family. So the swiffer will need to take a back seat.

Kent and I celebrated our birthdays, and mainly his 40th, by having a Wine and Wigs party. This pic pretty much sums up how fabulous it was.


On Friday we took Carter in for his 4 month check up and shots. He was the funniest baby, lying there on that table paper and just kicking the crap out of his legs to make some noise. At that appointment we discovered a few things. He is doing great weight wise, height wise...he is actually long and lean. His chunky parents are so proud. We were shocked by our Doctor telling us to start giving him rice cereal. The latest findings are that the earlier you start feeding your baby, the less chance of allergies. I am going to be honest and say I'm not really ready for that. I feel like we finally have this feeding routine down. We just changed out his nipples for goodness sake. So in the next couple of weeks we are going to try out rice cereal. Then down the road some pureed fruit and vegetables. I still want to try and make some of his food. I wasn't able to breastfeed, so the Mom in me wants to give him the best I can.

Now on to the bad news, or maybe just annoying news. For weeks now I would look at Carter and his head would be tilted. I just figured he was learning how to hold his head up. But he is super stiff in his shoulder and I think this is why he has taken so long to grab on to toys etc that we hold up for him. His Doctor diagnosed him with Torticollis which is basically a stiff neck. We will need to take him to Children's Hospital for physical therapy and stretching. We need to get on this daily to help him or it can get worse. The worst case scenario is he would need surgery to repair his neck. I'm not even going there because we caught this early and the nanny and I are on the same page....get that little nugget some help! I was a little upset about the news, but this is fixable. He will be uncomfortable when we do this, and nobody wants to cause stress or pain to their baby. I hate being stretched so I will sympathise when we do this, but it is a must.

The other bummer is we have to give up the swaddle. He woke himself up almost hourly Saturday and Sunday night as his hands are all over the place, then he starts rubbing his face and the binky falls out. My to-do list is now figuring out a sleeping situation. Carter has been sleeping through the night for months, literally months. Now we are going to have to find a way for him to comfort himself. Generally when I hear the binky fall out (how I can hear this as I don't even use the monitor since he is next door) I run to his room and pop it back in . This might have been a wrong choice. Now that his hands are free he can "eat" them as he doesn't quite get the thumb sucking part. We will get through all of these unknowns, just as we have the previous ones.

Commitment to Myself

The Mothers "guilt" has hit me a bit with my last complaining session about not having time for myself. I really processed this over the week-end and I know that my biggest problem is that I need to get some weight off so that we can start to try for another baby. Weight loss is a struggle for me, always has been, and I really would like to have a healthier pregnancy. My blood pressure is higher now than it was before I had Carter. My weight is off by about 8 pounds, but there is those nagging 30 pounds that I gained while we were trying to get pregnant. I was nervous while I was pregnant as my swelling was extreme and the post preclampsia I had was terrifying. So the complaining about having no time to myself is honestly a complaint that each day I don't find 30 minutes to run, is another day we have to wait to try and get pregnant. I personally would like to go off of birth control in July and then start trying, casually at first, if nothing happens after 6 months, than we are back to the fertility specialists. I am determined to do my best to be healthy though, as is Kent. So somehow each day I am going to have those running shoes on and the laundry, the dishes and the yard work will have to wait. But, my little Carter will never have to.

Carter is doing awesome, like he is my little rock star baby. He is such a happy little guy. We changed out his nipples this past week-end and I'm telling you, what idiots we were to not have done it sooner! He use to take 45 minutes to drink a 5 ounce bottle, now he's done in 15. He is happier, we are happier! We did take him out in his new carrier we bought him, the gemini, and he did great. I still worry that it seems like a "crotch killer" but this one has more support in the legs and toosh area, so hopefully he can handle the pressure!

Now that our remodel is DONE...photos to follow one day, we have time to be a family. We went to the airport Saturday morning to welcome our friends home who adopted a little girl, she is beautiful and perfect. Then we treated ourselves to a little lunch and shopping. Nordstrom has by far the best baby changing place I have found. I love that Mother's lounge. We bought a Jonathan Adler lion that I had been eyeing, it goes well with our modern home. We had lunch and as I was holding Carter I was amazed how many people approached us to say what a cute baby he was. He is a chick and older person magnet! We were again awful and bought his some awesome clothes. I love that damn Ralph Lauren and we scored this fabulous winter coat for next year. I figure that I'm not buying clothes for this body, so I can buy them for him (-: This Friday he has his 4 month check up, I can't wait to see what he weighs!

Screw you January

This is exactly how I have felt for most of January. It was such a difficult transition from a stay-at-home mom to a full time employee and a full time mom. I miss Carter terribly and I am pissed to be in a work environment while my child is being bathed and loved by someone else. I spend my entire day, including my work time, taking care of others and making their "reality" better, often to only get punched in the gut. This is my reality though and I need to make the most of it.

The most challenging thing so far has been the complete lack of time for myself. I honestly don't think I have more than 30 minutes to myself in a 24 hour period. I know that mothers have been saying this for years, but you don't understand it until you experience it. Somehow I am the last one standing, the last one left behind. Jesus I don't even wash my make-up off sometimes before I go to bed. Fitness...what in the hell is that? Groomed nails...I don't think so. God forbid I have time to read a book, listen to music or a peaceful spot I can zone out in without thinking that I have 4 loads of wash to do and there is nothing to eat in the house.

I'm pissed that I have not prepared myself enough for this. Maybe I should have frozen some soups or casseroles. Maybe I should have read more books on sleep schedules so that Carter would go to bed before 10:30pm. Maybe I shouldn't have gained so much damn weight before I actually conceived. Maybe I should learn to relax and work with what I have.

I'm excited about my new Gemini baby carrier and the fact that I am determined to take Carter on a walk tonight. Kent is being forced, by me, to learn 5 healthy meals that he can cook. I can not be the only one in our house who knows how to cook. It will bring resentment and a battle regarding "fairness" down the road. I am doing my best to make the most out of work and the fact that I do have to work. I'm definitely more touchy when it comes to work and my performance.

When I am feeling sad this is what helps me....

What I have learned in the last 3 weeks

I am sensitive
I am easily concerned over things I cannot control
I get anxiety far too often
I enjoy sleeping and have a baby who lets me have a good 7 hours a night
Work is called work for a reason, it's not called Play
My life is what I make of it
Change is not a bad thing, it just can be rocky at times

This past 3 weeks, since I returned to work, has been the absolute most stressed I have been in years. What I am happy to say is that I have not over indulged with food or alcohol and I have allowed myself to "feel" what I need to. Man has there been a lot of tear shedding and self doubt about myself. I had a pep talk with myself though and I am finding myself coming out of this fog. I am able to grasp reality easily and reconnect with what is important to me. I'm ready to take some chances and shake things up a bit, it is just time. I'm proud of my ability to relax when I get home from work and spend the evening playing with Carter and making dinner. I have the life I want, this is no joke. I am beyond overjoyed with my life and what surrounds me. I'm also willing to make the changes that are necessary to weed out what I no longer want. That is a beautiful thing. There's a new clarity that I have that could be do to the fish oil I am back to taking (I honestly swear by that stuff!). The most important point though, I am a working mom who is doing the best she can and it is pretty damn good.



Carter is cracking me up these days. He is happy, such a happy baby. He smiles constantly and is just about ready to start laughing. That I cannot wait for! He brings so much joy to those around him, he is my little shining light at the end of the day.

Hope

Here it is, the end of 2010 and my final journal entry. It is a ritual of mine and I should be getting my work clothes unpacked and ironed, as sadly I return to work on Monday. Yet this has always been important to me, and baby Carter is sleeping so now is my chance.

I think the word Hope really sums up my 2010. I quickly scanned my posts from this past year, and there were definitely fewer, but so much has happened. My last years recap was not even a recap, it was a goal of hope and to rediscover myself. Even though we had only been trying to get pregnant for 7 months, I felt so sad and lost towards the end of the year. The only thing I knew I was in control of was how to handle the things I truly can control- how I exercised, what we ate, the amount of down time we had and the quality time we spent together as a couple. This was how Kent and I set ourselves up for the start of 2010. We did succeed in this as well. I joined bootcamp, we started looking at vacations and then booked one to Palm Springs. Something crazy happened though, something totally unexpected but completely welcomed, we got pregnant. Everything changed from here. All of those negative thoughts I had about my body were pushed aside and I found the use of hope and a little prayer for the next 8 1/2 months (since we were already almost 7 weeks pregnant before we found out).

In that 8 1/2 months we bought a home, spent the entire time and are STILL renovating it (but it is SO close), and we had a baby. We didn't just have any baby, we had the most perfect baby that was made for us. I will find myself staring at Carter and thinking to myself, I am somebody's mommy. I have never in my life felt this happy, this content. I love to watch Kent play with Carter and to see the joy on my parent's faces. Carter is amazing. He is that baby that we can take out to restaurants, go shopping etc. I know this won't last forever, but we are soaking it up as much as we can.

The past few weeks I have been so sad that I have to go back to work. I would look at the Christmas decorations and just cry as I realized that only one week after Christmas, I would have to leave Carter. Now that I am only a few days away I have had to make some peace with it. I have basically tried to prepare my house, my duties, my life etc for this new change. I know that I must go back to work, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am trying to be positive about it though and see that this will be good for our family. Eventually I know that I would become too antsy to be a stay at home mom. We truly can't afford it and I could feel myself ever so slightly getting frustrated with Kent. Kent is a great help, but when you are on baby duty from 6am to 11:30pm, it can grow a little old. I need a little piece of the day carved out for myself. I'm hoping that work, socializing with co-workers and patients etc will give me a little bit of the "old Lisa" back. I am also only 6 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm looking forward to taking walks on my lunch break and having a little more discipline with my fitness in the evening. I basically am trying to find the "old Lisa" from April 2009. This is when Kent and I were in Italy, and it was the start of trying to get pregnant. This Lisa was healthier, and that is my goal. Plus, little Carter is going to want a little brother or sister, so my goal of weight loss is truly for the sake of getting pregnant again. It scares me to write that, but now that I know we CAN get pregnant, that makes it a lot easier to wrestle with.

My hope is going to carry through to 2011. I'm hopeful that this peaceful mindset that I have will continue. My outlook is so different on life, now that Carter Davis is in this world. Kent and I are still strong as a couple, but it is different. We are a threesome, a fabulous and fun threesome. I pray to myself that whoever is watching out for me continues to watch out for the three of us. I'm hopeful that 2011 will be a year filled with love and good health.

Happiness

For so many years I felt content, sometimes a little sad or worried, but for most of my life I have been content. The biggest struggle I have had is my weight and my acceptance of myself and my body. That has been a major pitfall and the amount of years spent wasted on the hell my bigger body has caused is embarrassing and almost tragic. Something started changing 4 years ago, I started changing. Yes I had lost some weight and found some new motivation in myself. I sort of just stopped "thinking" about everything and starting doing things, making changes. Meeting Kent and then marrying him was the smartest and best decision I have made to date. Last night as Carter was fussing and Kent kept getting out of bed and rocking him to sleep I was struck by how happy I was. My days are limited with Carter and I hanging out at home and that does make me cry, but I know it is going to be OK. What I am so struck by is that my happiness is not centered around a smaller body (I still have quite a bit of weight to lose), it's not about an upcoming vacation or new piece of furniture. My happiness is centered around my family. I love to say that word, my family. I have a family, one I have created myself, not that I was born into. I don't really care about what the fall's latest fashions are, or if I should have highlighted my hair differently or what Anglelina and Brad are up to. What I care about the most is the two men in my life, both who bring me more joy than they know.

Usually around the holidays I get really stressed/upset. This year I have felt so mellow. We have several stops on Christmas Eve and then we will end up at our home with a few friends coming over for dinner. If something happens and nobody can make it, than I am fine with that too. I have everything I need in my home right now, pure love. I swear that Carter knows exactly when he needs to smile, or make a little cooing noise. I love how Kent and Carter are total buddies and make one another laugh. This is what I want for Christmas, my family. I don't really care about the presents, or the decorations. These memories we are creating are by far my favorite thing.

There is something so refreshing for me that I am happy, I am truly happy. I have a hope that is very bright for my future. I am looking forward to getting healthier again and taking a little time for myself. I want Kent and I to both take our health more seriously now that we have Carter and one day more kid(s). I think it is the holidays that make me feel so grateful. I have a healthy family that can afford to pay their bills and put food on the table. I am not really a praying person but I think very kind thoughts for those out there who don't have what I do. I do feel very strongly though that I created this happiness. I was terrified to date and have someone see the real me. Thank goodness I finally changed my mind.

My big boy....

I can not believe how big my little Carter is getting. He's had a blocked tear duct that is a little aggravated right now and we had to go to the doctor twice, with his office visits being within 9 days of each other. On the first visit he weighed 10lbs 15oz, on the second visit he weighed 12 pounds. Holy cow, that is some weight gain, and he didn't even eat at Thanksgiving (-: He is doing great, really really great. He eats 5oz every 3 hours and then just naps or chills in between. He's fussy for about 15 minutes a day, when I think he is a little gassy. Other than this time, he is only fussy when he is hungry. Otherwise we do tummy time, read books, go for walks, run to the store etc. Since he is growing so fast we are in trouble as his clothes are seriously getting tight. He is 2 months old on the 14th, yet this kid is fitting snuggly in his 3 month clothes. So we have fashion show daily at my home. He doesn't even mind the posing!



I love this photo of Carter and Kent playing. Now that Carter smiles, it just melts our hearts.



I suppose it is never to early to start with the "arts"


This week we are going to see Santa, go to PEPS (our baby group) stay overnight at Grandma's while I am getting my car worked on and his nanny is coming to babysit twice. I hate to think that I have less than a month left of maternity leave, but it is true. It is time for little Carter to get use to someone else as well. He will be in good hands though, so I am not worried. Plus, who would not love to take care of this little nugget?

Where has the time gone

Carter will be 6 weeks old on Thursday, I honestly can't believe it. I see the calendar moving so closely to December and it makes me terribly sad, as I will begin working on January 3rd. Before Carter was born people would ask me if I would return to work, and I automatically was saying, YES, with a big capital Y-E-S. For many reasons I couldn't fathom staying at home all day long and caring for this unknown person. Well now that I do know my little Carter, it is hard for me to imagine NOT being around him all day long.

I do know many things though that are helping this situation become more comfortable. Kent and I need to be a two income family, it is just a part of life. We enjoy a fun lifestyle, with two mortgages, and I don't see us making it on one income. I know that I enjoy the challenge of work and that having some away time from Carter will only make that time that we are together even better. Carter also has a great nanny who is making my heart and brain so much more relaxed about leaving him. I also know myself well and eventually, I would be crawling the walls.

Carter and I are making the most of these days though. Yes, the Christmas music on the radio makes me tear up, as December 25th is so close, which means that January 3rd is right around the corner. I'm drying up those tears though and we are just chilling and playing as much as we can. I bought these awesome stickers off of ETSY to help catalog his first 12 months. Look at how cute he is!

He really is my "living doll"... I dress him up daily!

We bought his first pair of Gap jeans. I'm in love.


Yesterday he had his first look at snow, which is unseasonably early, and not a common thing in Seattle. Of course we had to put his snow suit on!


As Thanksgiving is just two days away...we had to get ready for what we were going to wear.


I love this little guy, I love my life, I love having a husband who is just as excited as I am about being a parent. Who knew that going out for a nice dinner, all we would think about was getting home to see Carter! Happy Thanksgiving!

4 weeks old

I love this photo...it was taken in the hospital when he was just 2 days old.

Carter turned 4 weeks old yesterday with a visit to his pediatrician and the discovery that he put on over a pound in 2 weeks. He is up to 9.7 pounds and added an inch. When I saw the weight on the scale I couldn't believe it. He had been fussy over the past few days and making his little "O" face with his mouth letting me know he is ready to eat. He really just makes me laugh, we are total buddies. I love holding him, watching him sleep, even changing his diapers. I still cry when I think about going back to work in January, but knowing how awesome his nanny is, makes me feel so much better. In fact, we are having lunch today with his nanny and a mutual friend of both of ours. Carter is so portable, I go somewhere everyday with him. It allows me to get some fresh air and it is good for him to get use to being outside etc, his parents definitely like to be active in life.

On Tuesday we are starting our PEPS class. I am not exactly sure where our meeting is first being held, but somewhere fairly close to our house. We are looking forward to meeting new people, especially parents, as the information sharing is good. Yesterday I was finally able to meet up with a group of ladies who we all had our 6 week baby classes together. Only one husband came yesterday, which was unusual I think, but I say the more the merrier. Carter was the last baby to be born so this was our first opportunity to see everyone. It was fun to see every one's babies and knowing that we all sat in that classroom and these little people were inside of us. I appreciated listening to them and seeing the stages they are with their children- when their baby smiled for the first time, how the sleep patterns are going. They meet once a week and we are going to try and go for these coffee dates as it is good for both of us.

Now that I have had almost a month with Carter, it is time I start taking care of myself. I have loved all the food people have made us, what a godsend. Now though it is time to get on track with fitness and food. I want Carter to have a sibling and I definitely need to be healthier before we start this pregnancy. I don't have a gym membership any longer so I ordered the Gillian Michaels DVD's that I have heard so much about. We have been walking but it is time to pick up the pace. I'm still having some tendinitis in my wrist but I start acupuncture on Monday, so hopefully that can be reduced over the next month. OH...and I FINALLY get my hair cut and highlighted soon, I can't wait!

I am feeling so great lately and every time I see a Christmas commercial I cry as that means work will be right around the corner, but we will all be just fine.