Gratitude

I feel overcome with emotions today. This morning I bundled Carter up and took him to Children's Hospital for his first occupational visit for his Torticollis. I wasn't nervous about the appointment, I was nervous about the experience. Children's Hospital is this amazing place that people travel from all over the world with the hope to help their sick child. They have print and TV ads that make me cry when I see the sick little babies with tubes in their noses. The killer ones are on a local radio station that does a big radiothon for the hospital and to hear the stories of triumph and sorrow from the parents is almost too much for me to process.

Today while Carter's nanny and I were in line to get our badges I was overcome with this feeling of gratitude that my little guy just has a stiff neck. The family behind me in line was pushing a child that was probably 5ish, with no hair, and a multitude of stitches on his head that looked like a patch work quilt. I thought about this family and then I thought about mine. I wondered how I would handle the stress and pain that this mom experiences daily, to see your child suffering. I said a little prayer for them and then I looked into my sweet Carter's eyes and hoped that we would not be visiting often. I also realized how important it is to step back from one's own life and look around. There are many families that go to this hospital who can't afford it, and they aren't turned down. With my one hour experience this morning I now know that a small donation, or some volunteer work later in my life is something that will happen. I pray that Carter continues to be the happy and healthy baby he is, and if something is to change, I'm grateful for my experience today and witnessing pure strength and love today.


I hate this was taken with my Iphone, but I needed to have a photo taken of Carter and Kent right before we left for the hospital. I wanted to have this image with me.

4 weeks old

I love this photo...it was taken in the hospital when he was just 2 days old.

Carter turned 4 weeks old yesterday with a visit to his pediatrician and the discovery that he put on over a pound in 2 weeks. He is up to 9.7 pounds and added an inch. When I saw the weight on the scale I couldn't believe it. He had been fussy over the past few days and making his little "O" face with his mouth letting me know he is ready to eat. He really just makes me laugh, we are total buddies. I love holding him, watching him sleep, even changing his diapers. I still cry when I think about going back to work in January, but knowing how awesome his nanny is, makes me feel so much better. In fact, we are having lunch today with his nanny and a mutual friend of both of ours. Carter is so portable, I go somewhere everyday with him. It allows me to get some fresh air and it is good for him to get use to being outside etc, his parents definitely like to be active in life.

On Tuesday we are starting our PEPS class. I am not exactly sure where our meeting is first being held, but somewhere fairly close to our house. We are looking forward to meeting new people, especially parents, as the information sharing is good. Yesterday I was finally able to meet up with a group of ladies who we all had our 6 week baby classes together. Only one husband came yesterday, which was unusual I think, but I say the more the merrier. Carter was the last baby to be born so this was our first opportunity to see everyone. It was fun to see every one's babies and knowing that we all sat in that classroom and these little people were inside of us. I appreciated listening to them and seeing the stages they are with their children- when their baby smiled for the first time, how the sleep patterns are going. They meet once a week and we are going to try and go for these coffee dates as it is good for both of us.

Now that I have had almost a month with Carter, it is time I start taking care of myself. I have loved all the food people have made us, what a godsend. Now though it is time to get on track with fitness and food. I want Carter to have a sibling and I definitely need to be healthier before we start this pregnancy. I don't have a gym membership any longer so I ordered the Gillian Michaels DVD's that I have heard so much about. We have been walking but it is time to pick up the pace. I'm still having some tendinitis in my wrist but I start acupuncture on Monday, so hopefully that can be reduced over the next month. OH...and I FINALLY get my hair cut and highlighted soon, I can't wait!

I am feeling so great lately and every time I see a Christmas commercial I cry as that means work will be right around the corner, but we will all be just fine.

The most important post

That might be too dramatic of a title, but honestly, it is how I am feeling right now. It is about 1pm and in 6 hours I am going to check in to the hospital and finally have this baby. Last week we checked in and did the same thing, but after 24 hours and Shim not budging, we went home without my baby in my arms. I cried a few tears as I was getting out of my hospital gown, but I am wise enough to know that if Shim didn't want to come out, and both myself and he/she were fine, than it just was not time. I didn't really have any mind games or doubt about my inability to get this baby moving along and into the world. For once in my life I just took it as it came.

Now that is has been almost a week it is time for us to once again start this process rolling. I told Shim I feel bad that he/she is getting an eviction notice today, but it is time. I feel guilty that I haven't told my family etc, but after what happened last time, we are not telling anyone until things have progressed nicely. My cervix is still super tight and I'm about 1.5centimeters dilated, the same amount I have been for weeks. Tonight we will start some medication and we will continue until Shim and I can work together or we will have a C-section. Either way, I am ready. I am nervous about the process of giving birth, but I know that I can handle this.

So as I am preparing today, I'm finding myself in almost a state of denial. I've been curled up on the couch watching the worst TV ever. Did you know there was a reality show based on Southwest Airlines and their crazy passengers? Who knew, but that crazy drama filled 30 minutes has been cracking me up all day. I really should go and sweep, vacuum the floors and clean the bathrooms, but I would rather be glued to this show to see the drama unfold of missing luggage and missed connections.

In the back of my mind though is the realization of what the nurse said to me yesterday morning. She told me to pack my bag, be at the hospital at 7pm and be prepared to stay until you can take your baby home. Knowing that this is my last day in our home as Kent and I is bizarre. I've been so clingy to him lately, knowing that everything is going to change. Last night we tried to have dinner out and I was just in a tough spot. I didn't feel good and all I could think about was that this was our last night together, without worrying about Shim or finding a babysitter.

What I do know is what an awesome dad Kent is going to be. I can see the excitement on his face about what we are embarking on together, parenthood. We are filled with joy and anxiety. We are also such a good team that I feel as if we will be able to conquer anything. I feel confident in about abilities to lean on one another and to get help when we need it. We have similar ideals regarding the bringing up of of little one and where our priorities/goals lie. We both want more for Shim than we want for ourselves. Yet, we want Shim to understand the value of hard work, the value of kindness and gratitude.

Whoever we meet in the next few days, we wish for he/she to be healthy and prepared for a life full of opportunity and love.


I remember when we were having a wedding photos taken and this cute couple was crossing the bridge we were on. Our photographer Yvonne thought this was a sign of things to come. Soon we will be strolling with Shim in our stroller!

Reactions

Last night Kent and I were on the sofa, I was lying down, he was sitting there, and we were talking. We seem to always be talking about the house and recently we've been talking more about life; the fact we are going to be first time parents and what that is going to mean. As we are sitting there I could really feel the baby move, this is not new to me though as it is like a little flutter in my belly daily. Last night though the baby was in full force and I grabbed Kent's hand and he felt it too. There was something that became real for both of us last night as the baby kicked or pushed hard enough that Kent could feel it as well. I could tell he was excited, it was obvious by the expression on his face. It was excitement, amazement and probably a little disbelief. 7 months ago, almost to the day, I was in my office sobbing when I was told IVF was going to be our only option for having children. My left ovary was filled with a giant lemon sized cyst and my hopes of conceiving in 2009 were crushed. We moved on though and we celebrated the holidays and the start of 2010. Somehow we conceived on our own and now I am looking at artwork for our babies room instead of our living room. I've been very emotional the last few days, the emotions are bliss. I'm trying to be in this space of time with gratitude for what we have been blessed with and pushing the fear of the unknown away. I thank whoever is watching over me everyday for this chance Kent and I have been given. I wish those who desire as we did that they too will get their wish granted as well.

TGIF

I'm feeling excited lately about how focused I've been. There has to be something about not being on any fertility drugs right now, but really, I think there is more to it.

-I have worked out 5x this week! In the rain, in the cold and at 5:30am!
-I have continued taking my daily dose of fish oil and all of my vitamins!
-Sleep..I've been conscious about going to be when I feel tired. Last night it was 9:30 which is unheard of for me.
-Pre-planned dinner on Sunday night and successfully cooked all this week.
-Did more research about PCOS and finding anti-inflammatory foods. It makes a difference.
-Focused on the good, the positive and a healthy future.

The best part...today is Friday and I have not over booked us for the week-end. I have a multitude of recipes I want to try out and freeze and new items to add to my revised PCOS friendly diet.

Yeah Friday!

Here Comes The Sun...

Doo doo doo doo...here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right. Since about the age of 18 I have kept a journal on and off. One tradition that I have held steady with is an entry on December 31st that generally sums up my year, sort of an annual report to myself on life. For this entry I don't hash out the bad and beat myself up, but it is usually eye opening when I have time to process encounters and see them with either more time, more wisdom or less emotions. I am a processor, a thinker, a constant scenario player in my head. Here's the thing about this particular year...I don't want to process it. I have been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year. The emotions have been to the extreme, like flying from Antarctica to the Equator in 4 hours. I really don't want to relive this as it has been a giant drag. I've been out of control emotionally, physically with food and mentally with visions of negativity that have plagued me for months. I'm tired of it.

Right now the goal is to focus on the good, what I have in life that so many times I just don't recognize. My optimism for this next year is pretty high right now. Kent and I are focused as a team to get ourselves back on track. We have a plan for our food intake and fitness. I have menus weekly coming to me and Bootcamp 3x a week that should help jump start us. We look forward to moving in the next 4-8 months into a bigger home and finally getting that grown up King sized bed we've dreamed about. Our priorities are shifting and this is a good thing. I think 2010 will be the year of me. I tend to be last on my list, but not this year. My focus is going to have to be continually on me, something that I am not use to. The focus is simple though---healthy food, exercise/fitness daily, mental relaxation and calming of life's woes. Sounds easy? Truthfully, once I put my mind to something I can do it. It is just getting started which is tough. I have been so bummed every time I work out lately as I am in the worst shape that I have been in for the past 5 years. When I run I feel my second ass hit my back. I mean seriously, it has gotten bad. Six years ago I went from jogging for 30 seconds to 1/2 marathons, so I know I have it in me. There's a little athlete inside me who has been struggling with life for the past year. I'm over letting things like fertility issues, family stress etc bog me down to the point of being unable to move. Moving is what will help me stay on focus, so it is time to start baby steps again towards the old Lisa.

I'm grateful for my friends, family and Kent for staying by my side as these past few months have wore me down. I can not wait to get back on track and start to feel better about myself. I don't want to talk about the fertility options and stress that will come with this. I want to hopefully remind myself every month that doing the best I can is my only option and true choice. I have no control over the actual process, but I do have control over how I "process" these monthly emotional roller coasters. Somehow I am going to beg for peace within myself and my body.

May 2010 bless all of us, or at least allow us to see our blessings.

Apologies and acceptance

Over the years I have learned the value of being honest, of accepting my ways and behaviors and for apologizing when I am wrong or have wronged someone. I'm also working on my acceptance of myself and the love and trust from those around me. In the past few days I have found myself having to both apologize for my actions and finding some acceptance in who I am. Normally I share too much, but today it is not necessary to hash out my apologies to my husband Kent. For once I am going to choose privacy, learn from my mistakes and move on.

I've also been wrangling with this idea that a good friend of mine emailed me about upon reading my blog. I appreciated this friends concern about how I am often writing about my dissatisfaction with my body, my life and how much I focus on the future instead of the here and now. I've always been hard on myself. Growing up I felt the need to please my family by getting good grades, keeping the house clean etc to help make up for the fact that I was very overweight. I don't think I was an embarrassment to my family, but I know at times it really bothered my mom that I was so big. My self worth has always been measured by the size of my body. When I lose weight I find more happiness in myself and generally in my life. When I begin to lose control and overeat I become withdrawn and almost abusive to my body. I stop working out, I overeat and my mental state becomes consumed with negative thoughts about myself and my life. My focus over the past few months has been too geared towards the negative in my life. My insecurities are at an all time high along with my fear about the future. I am stuck on a wheel of fear right now that is constantly spinning me backwards and forwards. I'm consumed by getting pregnant for fear of knowing that having PCOS will make this a challenge. The only thing I can do is to find some faith that things will work out. Somehow I will have a baby. I may not be able to get pregnant, but I will still have a baby.

Tonight and every night I need to find my gratitude again in my life and those in it. This gratitude needs to start from the ground up again as I am really dragging and weighing myself down with all of this negativity and fear. I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that my period was coming and that we were not pregnant. I felt OK with it until I started looking at the calendar and realizing that we will be out of town when my next ovulation will hopefully occur and I won't be able to have IUI. Upon realizing this I went into a pretty dark place for most of Saturday and I just can't do this to myself or Kent. We have barely begun to try and conceive, yet I am behaving like we have been doing this for years. I don't have control over my ovulation, but I do have control over my emotions and how I choose to let these things effect my life.

Kent you are a wonderful, wonderful man. Someone asked me the other day at work when I knew that I loved you. That was easy for me to answer. I liked you a ton right away. I was terrified of getting close to you as I had never had success in the dating world and figured our time together would be short lived like the others. You were different though. You made me want to put down my guard and let you into all of my life, the good and the ugly. Our honesty with one another in the beginning was so refreshing. It took a few months for me to realize that having you in my life was no longer just to have fun. Kent you became my life. When you went to Thailand for the holidays and we exchanged emails back and forth for two weeks it was there that I knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm still scared that you will one day give up on me and my insecurities, but I have to accept that we all have insecurities from time to time and you are here for the long run. Kent, thank you for being my husband and accepting who I am. Right now I am a girl who is pretty scared about the unknown but has more gratitude about my life than I can possibly say. Thank you to my friend who helped me see this.

Oh Happy Day....

Mr. and Mrs. Bush leaving the White House

I am sharing my joy with the millions of Americans who celebrated, cried and found a new sense of hope as President Obama was sworn in. I look forward tonight to watching my DVR as I missed out on his speech. From what I have heard though, and I am thrilled about, is that his speech was focused on the sheer fact that each and every one of us will need to toughen up and work as a dynamic group to put the pieces back together. I saw images of this smiling family on the web pages and I had sympathy for them as this is such a tough task. Regardless of who would have won this job, it wouldn't be easy for anyone. I am staying positive though and hope that somehow our country will no longer be embarrassed by their leader.

Some people will be surprised to know that I had some sympathies for George Bush this morning as well. His mistakes were large, but in trying times like 9/11, what would anyone of us have done. I will still disagree with the majority of his presidency, but we need to all be reminded that he is human. Unfortunately his mistakes will cost us for many, many years in terms of finance, predictability and a sense of community. From difficult times can come a sense of strength and I am ready to see this show of pride that Americans have faltered on for several years.

This past week-end I laid off another employee and I am continually reminded of our slumping economy. Doing the best I can each day has become a struggle as morale is down at work, and truthfully, everywhere. The news is depressing and puts me in a state of panic. My panic is more a sympathetic panic as I see so many people losing their jobs, their homes and their sense of security. I'm a sensitive bunny and that is just the way it is. I have always been and I always will. This sensitive bunny is ready to stop having so much anxiety and take the punches as they roll. Work is called work for a reason; it's not called play. This is my little pep talk I am going to have to give myself daily to get this office back where it needs to be.
Not only my office, but our world. I welcome the change!

We did it....

This week-end I set a goal for Kent and I and we conquered and achieved it. The goal will be bizarre to some, but Kent and I spent the entire week-end relaxing and not running ourselves wild. My promise to myself this year was to take better care of myself in all meanings of this term. We usually run ourselves busy during the week as we work, come home and cook, head to the gym and by time we shower etc it is 10pm and time to get ready to go to bed. We have been super successful over this past 2 weeks and have worked out 5x both weeks. On the week-ends we tend to power on as much as we can. Going places, chores, errands, fun times, family obligations and on and on. What we rarely allow ourselves is some time to do nothing. I bit the bullet and when Kent asked me what we had planned for this week-end I told him nothing!

Our week-end started off tough as I had to lay another person off on Friday afternoon and then I spent the rest of the day calming the staff down and finding was to motivate them through the day. By time I came home by neck and back were killing me as I tend to hold the majority of my stress in my shoulders. Kent massaged them for a minute and then we went to the gym. I was super pissy about this as I just did not want to go. We had promised each other that we were going on Friday night as we had missed Thursday. Once we were at the gym it took me a few minutes to find my groove, but I pushed myself pretty hard. We came home and I made dinner and then we watched Step Brothers which was exactly what I expected. I laughed a little, rolled my eyes and enjoyed seeing my husband crack up repeatedly. We woke up that next morning and went to a spin class my trainer Chris was teaching. 15 minutes into the workout I was toast. God I forget how hard spin classes are. It was a great workout but it literally wiped me out. We had lunch, watched TV, showered, started a new book and took a nap. Can it get any better? Yep...after a nap we went to the coffee shop and spent more time planning our trip to Italy. We stopped off at the grocery store and I made dinner and then we went to the bar Connor Byrne for a Dolly Parton tribute by 5 local bands. It was great. I only had a few beers at the bar, had fun with friends and went to bed at 2am and woke up at 10am! Woo Hoo! Had a lazy breakfast, cleaned the house, walked for an hour by the beach and stopped by to see our friends new little baby boy.

This was such a good week-end because there was so much down time and it was really positive. Even cleaning the house and running to the grocery store was positive. We both are making a serious effort to focus on long term goals (moving, health, children) and it feels really great. I also have been struggling with falling asleep and this week-end I just dozed right off. Hopefully this sleeping trend will continue into the next week! Here's to lazy days!

City of Blinding Lights....

Why am I calling my end of the year entry this? It is one of my favorite U2 songs which just started playing and it is my wish that 2009 will be blinding with hope, love, change and a coming together of the world.

The past 2 weeks have been really tough for me. I have missed deadlines at work, became sick, was trapped by snow for several days and sort of just let Christmas pass me by. I feel like today I am finally waking up from a sort of coma. I think this coma was somewhat self-induced, but never less, I am just ready for January to come.

2008...probably the most exciting and nerve wracking year of my life so far. I could write pages and pages about my experiences of allowing myself to love my husband and to be loved by him. I am so fortunate to have Kent in my life and he loves me for all of the craziness and goofiness that surrounds me. Our wedding in July was such an amazing experience. I have never felt that much love and positive energy in one room. We had friends and family travel from all over to experience this day with us. I felt a bit guilty about the time and cost for people, but to be walking down the aisle and seeing everyone was priceless. I loved having people tell me how wonderful the wedding was and how much fun they had. This was our whole purpose in our planning. Kent and I had been single for many years prior so our friends and family have played a crucial role in our lives. This wedding was just as exciting for our guests as it was for us. I will forever remember that day as this pivotal point in my life where I have allowed myself to surrender these beliefs I have about acceptance, weight, love and worthiness. I still reach for these insecurities once in awhile, but bad habits truly are hard to erase.

I, along with most of the world, have felt an enormous impact regarding the security of our surroundings and our future. Money is such a frustrating thing. I was thinking this morning about how luxurious money felt while we were planning the wedding. Luxurious might be an odd word but when these large invoices and bids would be coming in for catering I would think nothing of it. My parents were so generous finacially, but Kent and I still paid a great sum for the wedding. I look at the wedding ring on my hand and it literally cost as much as my car. 6 months later I have a different vision of money, a bit more respect for its ability to provide security and peace. Our house went on the market right as the banks were in trouble and needed to be bailed out. I spent 3 months keeping this house spotless and hoping every night when I came home from work I would find a business card from a visiting agent. The cards slowly stopped appearing and it became apparent that our home was not going to sell. It is not your typical home so it needs to appeal to an investor, not a family. Investing stopped or slowed significantly and our vision of finding a new home stopped. As frustrating as this may be, I have been able to find some gratitude in our situation. If our home would have sold we would have been pretty much debt free and have a reasonable down payment. We would have been able to take 4 vacations in 7 months (Cabo, Palm Springs, New Orleans, Napa/Carmel/San Francisco and have a super expensive wedding without any debt. There would not have been the lesson that we are learning now..the lesson called a budget. As bizarre and embarrassing as this is to write, I have never really lived on a budget. If I want something, I usually get it, except my trip to France in High School--but that's another post. Now that we are saddled with more debt than we generally have it has become a challenge to pay it off. Not a challenge like, holy crap how are we going to pay our bills, but more of a challenge in making good decisions on where to put our money. One of my favorite lessons of 2008...budgeting!

As I am getting older I am realizing that I am turning into a worrier. I keep thinking to myself that everything that has happened in my life over the past 2 years has been so great, so when is that bad going to follow? Ups and downs are just a part of life, but I have sort of become that person who quickly analyzes and thinks through about the "what if's." Those things that I can't control are slowly grating me. I am like a 4 year old who constantly asks their mom "Why?" I am just saying "What if...?" It drives my husband crazy and it is really starting to get to me. My real goal for 2009 is to just take my life one day at a time and to realize that I am far more capable to handle diress than I think I am. It is sort of like the first day of a new quarter in college and you would get that syllabus and think, "There is no way in hell I can do all this!" Well somehow you get it done because you have no choice. I don't really like to give up, so I am really going to have a shift in thought and do my best to focus on the postives and the goals and not the what if's. I can't control everything so I will put my faith in the universe and hope it dishes out something reasonable.

Health. Really, I am not going to waste any time on this. I bitch so much about my weight anymore that I can't even stand to be around myself. My husband catches me freaking out about how tight my jeans are and feels frustrated for me, and for him. Along with having a gluttony of money/finances/spending we were so gluttonous with food and wine. Once that wedding was over and we fit into our suit/dress it was game on. We started on the honeymoon and have continued on. I did break a bone in my foot which really prevented me from doing any exercise, so I pretty much just lifted my hand to my mouth as a method of calorie burning for the past 4 months. We feel motivated though. We are frustrated with how we look, how we feel and the fact that we sort of just gave up on ourselves. I know that I personally slid very far on my list of things to take care of. I am ready to rewrite that list though and try to make some positive choices. I am not trying to have a massive/major makeover. I am still about 65 pounds lighter than I was 4 years ago. I know what I am capable of, because I have done it before. It is such hard work though and that does grow old. What I think grows old quicker though is the constant beating up on myself about the size of my legs or my tummy that is not a flat as it use to be. Plus my boobs are out of control..like if I go up another letter I will throw myself off a bridge (not really- but please Lord don't increse these watermelons another letter!)

My future...it is blinding with possiblity and I look forward to what is ahead. I actually have a partner in crime to plan things with and I can officially no longer check single on my tax returns! I have a husband to be my emergency contact and I love that! As pathetic as it may sound I am really just loving this little world that I am building with Kent. My dreams are big and my life and reality are only better. To 2009...may you bless all of us with peace, hope, triumph and a vision that is blinding with opportunity.

San Francisco. I love this picture because it is sunny and my tan husband is in front of a giant heart. You know this took some pleading to get this shot.

The rules of discussing happiness

How many times a day do you get asked, "How are you," or "How are things?" Possibly because I am in the public eye I get asked these question often. Patients who have been coming to the office I run are often wondering how I am doing and what has been going on. This beautiful, giant diamond ring on my left hand usually gives them quite a bit of joy and many questions to ask me. For the sake of not disclosing too much info to the patients I always give them an answer that makes them feel satisfied. I usually give a pleasing answer to most of those around me as well. When we ask such open-ended generic questions about happiness or feelings do we really want to hear the truth? I personally love it when someone is honest. I love it when someone actually tells the truth. The first month of having a newborn at home can not be easy, yet I always hear about how wonderful it is. The first few months of a new marriage can be trying, but all you hear about is wedded bliss. Is there anything wrong with speaking the truth, telling people what is really going on?

A few years ago, well more like 8, I had just graduated from the University of Washington. It took me forever, but I ended up with a degree in Sociology. I had visions of saving the world and working for an organization that could solve problems regarding health care, children's welfare or education. When you are in school they pump you full of do-good because you were sitting in a classroom and paying your dues for an education that would provide you a better life and a better income which could equal more happiness. I loved school and would never have changed anything, except I would have gone back for a Master's degree strictly for the love of learning. What I did find out though was how difficult it was to transition out of college and into the real world. I was plagued with uncertainty and I was so tired of hearing about how many opportunities I had before me. I was searching and searching for the answer and I discovered a book called "The Quarter-Life Crisis." This book was a voice of my peers who were facing the same daunting tasks of figuring out a career, paying off student loans and feeling satisfied. It was so refreshing to hear people speaking the honest truth about the difficulties they were facing. This wasn't a book filled with complaining and whining, it was actually just people being real for once about their happiness, their struggles and the same thoughts that I am sure plenty of my friends were experiencing as well.

We all define our happiness through different measures and there seem to be rules into the degree that we discuss our happiness with the outside world. I know many people question writing personal things at all in a blog or journal for fear someone may actually read them and discover the truth. I've been told repeatedly that my lips should be sealed when I am feeling insecure about myself and Kent is around. I've been told he shouldn't know these issues I have with myself because it will just give him another way to view my ways, my life, and possibly a view of me he didn't have before. Doesn't the truth have the potential of setting us free and gain some possible comfort, scolding or support?

Yesterday when Kent and I went shopping I tried on a blouse. I haven't been clothes shopping for several months because I have gained weight and I am upset about my appearance. While I was in the dressing room I was amazed at the image I saw. I do know that overhead lighting provides an awful backdrop to anything, but this image was pretty tough. I saw a body that had been pretty neglected (no fitness, poor food choices) and I was immediately upset. I started crying when I showed Kent the blouse, I couldn't even look him in the eye. Was it wrong to be so raw and honest with my husband about how I was feeling about myself? Do I really need to pretend that everything is OK even though I am about 13 pounds heavier than when we said I do? The tough part about weight gain or loss is that it is obvious to the entire world what is happening- you are either shrinking or growing. I have been doing both of these since I was a little girl. Kent can tell I have gained weight, I don't need to tell him this. He would never say anything to me, but we both comment on the tightness of our clothes and our desire to get back to the gym. I don't want to fake these emotions with my husband just so that he can feel better about me. I am sure some people may shake their head at this posting because I just don't get it. I do know how visual humans are, I have been overweight my whole life. I have been invisible to most men my entire life because of my body and the layer I enclosed myself in. I don't think that I should have to be invisible with my feelings though, because honestly, these are the only thing I had for many years. My feelings about life, my feelings about myself. Everything was mine only, because it was just me. When Kent is having a tough day, I now feel that too, because I want to. I want to support him and see if I can help him. Yesterday in that dressing I did not feel happiness, I felt an incredible surge of pain from many, many years of being overweight. When my husband saw me he first saw the woman he loved in a fun blouse and then he saw the true Lisa at that time. We can't be happy all the time and we can't act like we are happy all the time. Life is not about acting, life is about living. I am truly a very emotional and thinking human, at times it is probably frustrating to Kent because I focus so much on things. This is me.

I do know that at times I am unhappy, at times I am sad, at times I am emotionless, at times I am elated with joy, at times I am pleased and many many times I am just right. In reality there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. The rules of discussing this happiness does not exist, because there really is no rules to love. Love is a great thing, even when you are in a Michael Kors blouse at the Downtown Seattle Macy's feeling sensitive about your body and all your husband sees is the lady he loves. My gratitude today is actually to myself. I am grateful that in those times of serious uncertainty and mental strain that I actually let myself feel those feelings, instead of acting and covering them up. I've covered myself and my emotions for years, it is time to really take these layers off.

You've got to have friends...

Before I was married, or even dating Kent, I felt like my phone rang off the hook. By Tuesday I pretty much knew what I was going to do over the week-end. I am fairly social and would rather be with friends than at my apartment by myself with my sweet dog Frank Kelley.

Can you believe how cute he is!

I was very active with my friendships and worked hard at them. I remembered birthdays and planned social outings as much as I could. As time has passed though I have found myself slowly less social, or I should say social in a different way. Before I met Kent I would come home after a day of working in a busy medical practice where I was constantly moving, talking and thinking and I would just sit and watch TV, read a book and walk Frank. I found ways to occupy my time and I did get lonely now and then. I would often call my friend Susan and we would chat constantly, even though we had emailed all day long too. Susan was my person, sort of like Meredith and Christina on Grey's Anatomy. That is just us, we talk and talk and always have each other's back. That is a cool feeling to just know you have a person.

Susan & I a few years ago

Now that I have been in a relationship for the past 2 years and recently married I have found myself reaching less and less for the phone or my calendar to plan events. I have someone to eat with, go to the movies, shop (I know, I can't believe it either) and offer companionship. I don't have to schedule this time because Kent and I are a team, we are constantly together and checking in.

Recently I was thinking to myself that my own phone is quiet silent. I will have the occasional phone call, but it is pretty much silent. It makes me sort of sad, but it is understandable. As I have changed, so have many of my friends and relationships. Some are having babies, some are dating, some are moving and starting new careers. People change, relationships change, life changes. I struggle a bit with change but I know that this is just a natural progression. I also know how much I love my friends and how important their friendships are to me.

One of the things that I have enjoyed about this blog is the newly rekindled friendship I have with my friend Lucy. We met one another at 4 Georgians Elementary School in Helena Montana. We lived in the same neighborhood, only a few blocks away. We did so many things together, we were true buddies. I remember how much we would laugh and how we had big plans for our futures. We would do the craziest things, all that are too many to tell. We have different lives, but I can still remember our love of Bon Jovi, how we would watch TV in my parents basement and how I was the same height as she was in the 6th grade. Lucy has surpassed my height by many, many inches, but that's ok. She now has a family of 3 boys, a husband whose on a new adventure and finally done with school, but she did something so wonderful...even through all of this she came to my wedding. She left her family and made a special trip to see me get married. We hadn't seen each other for several years, I think our high school reunion was the last time. When we saw one another at my wedding I was so elated. This feeling reminded me of when I was leaving for Seattle to go to college. I was one of the first people to leave for school and we were at a party with many people. We each left the party separately, but I realized I didn't get to say good-bye and spend a few moments with my friend. At 3am I ran over to her house, like I would have when I was 9 years old and we hung out until 5:30am, when my parents and I were suppose to be leaving for Seattle.

I have been reading Lucy's blog for several years now and I have so enjoyed seeing her family and her life. I don't have the family Lucy does or the same responsibilities, but when I read her posts I can still hear her voice, her laugh, and I feel like I am getting an audio reading of her life. Having Lucy make such huge leaps and bounds to make it to my wedding, where I literally had 5-10 minutes with her, proves to me how strong friendships can be. How even though it was only a few minutes, it meant so much to me. We may not be running over to each other's houses anymore, or sharing a Diet Pepsi and watching Beverly Hills Cops on the VCR, but we can still find one another through this world wide web.

My gratitude today is my friends. Regardless of how often I see them or speak to them, they are still my peeps and I love that about each of them. Thank you Lucy for reminding me of this.




PS...Sorry I had to steal your picture--I didn't carry a camera with me that day!

My man...

For some crazy reason I find that society as a whole often forgets the gratitude they have to those people that they are blessed with, in love with, friends with and confidants with. We get busy and accustomed to these people being around us and at times we take advantage of their companionship and love. So today in a quick post I want to give a shout out to my husband (still makes me laugh to say this). Everyday I see the small and subtle ways he tries to make me happy. The funny thing though is all I need is to see his smile and a big hug. I appreciate how much he tries to do things around the house, how he has such a fantastic eye for detail and how he doesn't sweat the small stuff. Even when he is dog-ass tired he will still listen to me for hours about some drama or funny story and never gets annoyed (or at least he doesn't show it). He will "make it happen" in a moments notice and understands when I need his help, his ear or just some time to myself.

To my Kent, thank you for being such a rock in my world. Thank you for being a protector, comedian and best man friend anyone can ask for.
I love you honey.

TGIF....

It has been such a long week. I feel a bit like a broken record. This morning I woke up after another restless night of sleep and just felt so emotional about going to work. Stress is a part of all of our lives, but I am not use to having it for such a long period of time. Kent and I were driving last night and I told him I needed a mantra for when the "evil thoughts/stresses/worries" of the work world entered my brain at all times of the day. Kent's mantra was simple and perfect. "I have a life"...this is my mantra for when the creeping insecurities of life bog me down. I have more than just a life, I have a great life. I have the most amazing partner and best friend (male friend I tell him) in the world. My gratitude for the day is my husband, who I adore. Thank you for putting up with me and loving me until the end. Even when I'm snarky or have a 'tude.

What I also love about my husband is the fact that we are both so in sync about many things. This week-end we are painting our TV room and our new furniture will arrive next week-end. I will for sure post a before and after. I'm nervous about the color I chose, but we can always paint it again. Since our home did not sell, we are taking it off the market and allowing ourselves a bit of luxury and redoing some parts of the home. Our TV room has the most uncomfortable sofa but it is something that is "classic" as Kent says and we will one day re-upholster it and put some thicker cushions on it. We have also just picked out our "first Christmas together gift" (who knew these existed). It is a beautiful piece of art that we found at a gallery on Bainbridge Island last week-end while we were lunching with friends. It was one of those pieces that while we were casually walking past the gallery we both saw it and had to go in and see....

There is something so simple and beautiful about this painting. We are going to re- frame it, but I think it will look lovely in our new TV room. Honey Happy First Christmas and Birthday (-; Thank you for having such a fabulous vision. Love Your Muffin!

The tough road ahead........

Last night as I heard fireworks in my neighborhood I knew what had just happened. Due to my incredible amount of anxiety I wouldn't allow Kent and I to watch the news or CNN. We were watching Desperate Housewives when the news broke that Obama won. I wanted to try and avert my attention to a ridiculous TV show while the votes were still coming in. I truly did not think we would know who our next President would be until late in the night. When those fireworks started though I knew it. I started screaming for Kent to give me the remote and I quickly turned the channel and saw it. Tens of thousands of people feeling exactly my emotions. Wow! We had just elected Barack Obama to be our next President. I honestly am not a political junkie, I just felt such a strong urge to have a completely different vision for this country. I went to bed with a smile on my face...it could have been from Obama's speech or the wine, pizza and gelato I had consumed that evening.

Now that the news is settling in around the world I am realizing what a tough task this will be. Regardless of who would have won, either of these men would be in for a tough road. I do feel though that Obama will somehow gather his strengths and manage it the best he can. This morning I was driving to work and really reflecting on this change that is taking place. I was thinking about the determination it took for Obama to get elected. For almost 2 years he has been on the campaign trail trying to get his voice heard and to accomplish the goal he set out to win. Here is the part of this story that actually pisses me off to write about; my brain actually thought today that if a Black man can be President, than I can lose weight. My weight has always been a struggle, like a serious struggle. It consumes my life and predicts what type of day I will be having. I sort of see the road Obama and I have ahead of us as one that is going to be bumpy for some time.

For the past several months I have turned to food as a way to comfort myself. It is frustrating that I do this though because it causes problems in my moods, my relationship with Kent and the way I feel about myself. I keep making excuses for why I can't workout or why I can justify the large amount of food or poor choices. I am so fed up though with thinking about my weight. I honestly think this is one of the reasons why I have pretty much given up on myself. It is just so overwhelming to have to think about every little thing that enters my mouth. It pisses me off when other people eat the same way or even worse and they don't gain a pound. I'm sick of hearing about how I am big boned, or that I am muscular. The truth is that I have just given up on myself and I can not do this anymore. My life is bigger than just what I see or think. Kent and I are thinking about kids and I want to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. This task of losing weight and preparing my body is honestly going to be a very difficult task for me. I may need to just focus on the determination Obama held during this campaign and pay careful attention to the fact that it was a long and steady race, but he finished first.

It is probably pretty shallow to be writing this post. I see no need though to not write about what I am thinking. I have been on a diet since I was 6 years old. Honestly, 6 years old. I have tried every diet book, scheme or gimmick I can get my hands on. When I think about my future I see one big a** road with many twists and turns, but somehow I am going to jump on my determination bandwagon and find a way to reach my health goals. To President-elect Barack Obama, thank you for giving me a little extra push to accomplish a goal that I have never thought possible; a healthy body weight. Being elected the first Black President and losing weight may not be the best correlation, but I think we can all recognize that determination is determination, we each just have a different goal.

Ride Sally Ride

I am conflicted about the proper way to post my last few weeks at work. It is important to me that I do, but I am going to do so in a different way. Work is called work for a reason; it's not called play. I could focus for many paragraphs about my job and work life and the drama that has unfolded this week. I'm not going to do that though. This drama has robbed me of several week-ends, sleepless nights, a bad tummy that will not go away and a little of my spirit. I am not going to focus anymore on this drama; I am instead going to focus on the human elements we all have within us, some having more than others. This is an entry about the beauty we all have within ourselves, if we are each willing to discover it.

My friend and co-worker Sally is the type of woman that you marvel at and also scratch your head at. She truly knows how to make lemonade out of lemons, and you wonder how she gets by with it and still has a positive attitude. Sally has a smile on her face that lights up a room and a heart the size of Montana. She has spent many years on this earth being a good mom, the best mom she could be and she is now in those years of reflection; those years when your focus turns inward. She's been faced with some information over the past few days that has really made her shift her focus around and see new and unexpected challenges ahead. It is what Sally has done in this shift that has made me so very proud to be her friend and her co-worker. Sally is truly an amazing woman. She is a woman who is short changed at times and deserves far more credit than she receives. The difference in Sally is that she doesn't need this credit, Sally knows who she is and understands her place and purpose. She has such a strong grasp on this that it makes me grateful to have had Sally in my life for the past 6+ years.

Sally you will soon not be in my world on a daily basis, but your memories, your joy and that smile will be in its place; forever. I will raise my keyboard and a drink to your new adventures Sally. You have brought more to my world than you will know and I am here today with my gratitude for your friendship. Here is to my Mustang Sally.....Ride Sally Ride...wherever and however life will take you.

One Day at a Time

So much has happened in the past few days. The type of drama at work that you just can't write about. I feel like the past few days are one of those entries that you write on paper and then rip up. I generally am excellent at being able to analyze and evaluate situations and my feelings. I'm just a little numb right now and my new motto is "One day at a time." I'm going to focus on the here and now, the today's here and now and do the best I can. I'm going to find the gratitude for my life that seems to have slipped away. I'm going to look at my husband and know that he too is doing the best he can.
Somewhere there is a glass slipper that I thought was to be placed on my foot when I was married. This glass slipper is my little version of la la land that I thought happened once you are married. While I did not receive a glass slipper, I did get very close; my husband bought me a pair of Christian Louboutin silver shoes for our wedding day, something that I had begged him for. We were at our rehearsal dinner and he presented me this beautifully wrapped box and I did not have a clue what it was. I remember being upset and frustrated because I didn't have anything for him to open as we had agreed to give our gifts to one another the following day. I took the ribbon off the box and lifted the lid and started screaming, I was almost embarrassed about my reaction. Here they were before me; the shoes I had been dreaming about walking down the aisle in. These shoes may look like a silver shoe, but what makes these so special is that every Christian Louboutin shoe has a red sole; a red sole. This is the color of love, this is the shoe I wanted so desperately. Sadly though they were too small. Kent did the best he could and did not know that these designer European shoes run really tight. When we came home that evening from our rehearsal dinner I was devastated. I actually spent hours (into the late night) trying to stretch these shoes out so that I could wear them down the aisle and show off their red soles. These ridiculously expensive shoes are a bit how I am feeling right now; left out, not fitting in any fashion of the word.
One day at a time though, I will take everything one day at a time.

I am so frustrated with how the past two months have gone. There are days that I get home and feel like turning out the lights and just drifting away. I am not a victim though, I am a fighter. I don't give up easily, I just feel as if the rules to the game have changed and I didn't get the update. So one day at a time, I will think of life one day at a time. When it gets too much to handle I will think back to my honeymoon, when Kent and I went and exchanged my beautiful shoes for a pair that actually fits. I chose a black pair because they were more practical. Marriage may not be a fairy tale; it is hard work and effort and about practicality. On those days that I struggle maybe I need to go and put on my new Christian Louboutin's and click my heels together three times. Nothing may change, but at least I'll feel like I can step outside of my situation and do the best to evaluate and then take it One Day at a Time.