Apologies and acceptance

Over the years I have learned the value of being honest, of accepting my ways and behaviors and for apologizing when I am wrong or have wronged someone. I'm also working on my acceptance of myself and the love and trust from those around me. In the past few days I have found myself having to both apologize for my actions and finding some acceptance in who I am. Normally I share too much, but today it is not necessary to hash out my apologies to my husband Kent. For once I am going to choose privacy, learn from my mistakes and move on.

I've also been wrangling with this idea that a good friend of mine emailed me about upon reading my blog. I appreciated this friends concern about how I am often writing about my dissatisfaction with my body, my life and how much I focus on the future instead of the here and now. I've always been hard on myself. Growing up I felt the need to please my family by getting good grades, keeping the house clean etc to help make up for the fact that I was very overweight. I don't think I was an embarrassment to my family, but I know at times it really bothered my mom that I was so big. My self worth has always been measured by the size of my body. When I lose weight I find more happiness in myself and generally in my life. When I begin to lose control and overeat I become withdrawn and almost abusive to my body. I stop working out, I overeat and my mental state becomes consumed with negative thoughts about myself and my life. My focus over the past few months has been too geared towards the negative in my life. My insecurities are at an all time high along with my fear about the future. I am stuck on a wheel of fear right now that is constantly spinning me backwards and forwards. I'm consumed by getting pregnant for fear of knowing that having PCOS will make this a challenge. The only thing I can do is to find some faith that things will work out. Somehow I will have a baby. I may not be able to get pregnant, but I will still have a baby.

Tonight and every night I need to find my gratitude again in my life and those in it. This gratitude needs to start from the ground up again as I am really dragging and weighing myself down with all of this negativity and fear. I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that my period was coming and that we were not pregnant. I felt OK with it until I started looking at the calendar and realizing that we will be out of town when my next ovulation will hopefully occur and I won't be able to have IUI. Upon realizing this I went into a pretty dark place for most of Saturday and I just can't do this to myself or Kent. We have barely begun to try and conceive, yet I am behaving like we have been doing this for years. I don't have control over my ovulation, but I do have control over my emotions and how I choose to let these things effect my life.

Kent you are a wonderful, wonderful man. Someone asked me the other day at work when I knew that I loved you. That was easy for me to answer. I liked you a ton right away. I was terrified of getting close to you as I had never had success in the dating world and figured our time together would be short lived like the others. You were different though. You made me want to put down my guard and let you into all of my life, the good and the ugly. Our honesty with one another in the beginning was so refreshing. It took a few months for me to realize that having you in my life was no longer just to have fun. Kent you became my life. When you went to Thailand for the holidays and we exchanged emails back and forth for two weeks it was there that I knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm still scared that you will one day give up on me and my insecurities, but I have to accept that we all have insecurities from time to time and you are here for the long run. Kent, thank you for being my husband and accepting who I am. Right now I am a girl who is pretty scared about the unknown but has more gratitude about my life than I can possibly say. Thank you to my friend who helped me see this.