There are so many good things that have happened lately. We have pretty much worked out our property line dispute and Kent and I have both come to terms that this is not the house for us. We have fought constantly about it, but in the end, I think it is strangely going to bring us closer. I know I resented this property and him for putting me through the hell of remodeling it in the height of my pregnancy and maternity leave with Carter. I know that Kent feels bad that this house and neighborhood have been such a bummer as he literally has put months and months of his precious time into it to create an awesome space for our family. I love that Kent takes such pride in his homes and isn't like the typical contractor who never finishes his projects. I worry that Kent doesn't get enough down time but now I know he is determined to get the few lingering projects done in the house so that we can put it on the market next April. Only time will tell how the market is and I am doing my best not to stress about it. If we sell it, than fine, and if we don't, that is also fine. It is a beautiful home and I am comfortable in it, regardless of how much I might complain about how little sunlight we get or the incredible amount of bugs. This is life though. We could be homeless.
Kent took a big step this past 4th of July and we flew down to Reno/Lake Tahoe and saw his Father for the first time in 13 years. Kent and his dad had a falling out years ago and they have not spoken or seen each other in all of this time. Kent was the adult in all of this (which I am super impressed by) and he reached out to his dad around Christmas time by sending him Carter's announcement and a quick letter. Through a few emails we learned his dad is developing dementia and I kept persuading Kent that we needed to go see his dad. Kent wasn't quite ready to, but I had the time off and I turned it into a little vacation as well. We ended up meeting them (Kent's dad and his wife of 20+years) at a small Cafe in Reno. I felt nervous when we got off the plane that I was pushing Kent too much and that this was going to open a pandora's box of sorts. The breakfast/meeting went great. It was perfect in my opinion. The glue that held everything together was Carter, he really does bring joy to everyone. During breakfast Kent left to use the restroom and I watched his dad eye's follow him. His dad then said something to the effect of, "Kent is grown." He then stumbled to say that he was older, but not old. Everyone at that table knew though what he meant. Kent and his dad have missed out on Kent essentially turning into a man. Kent has had multiple businesses, houses and now he has a wife and a son. I saw it in his dad's eyes and it really took everything in me to not get emotional. We took some pictures at the end and I saw Kent's dad tear up a bit and hug Kent and tell him he loved him. I don't care what comes out of this relationship at this point. I don't think this is the last time we will see Kent's dad, but I feel like it was important for both of them to leave the past in the past and move on. After breakfast we left Reno and drove to Lake Tahoe. We had a great time. Kent's cousin and his wife joined us and we rented a house in South Lake Tahoe and enjoyed the lake, the beach and good food. It was a really fun vacation.
Carter at the beach
Carter did have a good time on the boat, but he was not in the mood for a family photo
Now that I have a about a week left a vacation before I return to my daily work schedule I'm trying to pick myself out of this funk and come up with a new attitude. I'm feeling sensitive about my life, my connections with people and the true honesty of them. Again, I'm terribly hormonal, and I'm trying to remind myself of that but something just feels off. My brain is firing crap and bringing up some much junk to contemplate. I haven't felt like this in quite awhile. I'm trying to process where it is coming from and I think it is a few things. I haven't really been taking good care of myself. Bootcamp is over and I'm not going to sign up for another session. Mentally I couldn't get over how behind I was in the pack. I remember when I use to be out front, but that was the old Lisa, the one with no baby and really no obligations. It is almost pathetic to care so much, but when you are fat your whole life and you feel judged by others, the last thing I really want to do is to be running around a track and having everyone (except for one person) be waiting for you as they finished their mile literally minutes before you. I was hoping I could find my inner Arnie (my little personal fitness go-getter) but he just wasn't there. What did show up is that embarrassed girl in gym class who couldn't do a pull-up and was terrified that somebody would see her weight. Besides sort of feeling like I am letter myself go I've been having huge insecurities about my ability to be a mom. I love Carter, love love love him. It is nothing to do with that. But I worry that I am not doing things right, that I don't know all of the science about caring for him or teaching him things. I feel like I have 2 full time jobs and Carter is losing. By time I come home from a long day at work I get really sad by the fact that someone else has raised him all day. Financially Kent and I both need to work full time, so being a stay at home mom is out of the question and I'm ok with that. I honestly think I couldn't stay at home 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and be a mom. I know myself well enough that I would go a little crazy and probably have resentment issues with Kent. Knowing these 2 things and I am trying to put a plan into place (in my brain) that allows me to give Carter, Kent and my own self enough time on a daily basis for all 3 of us to feel nurtured and loved. I know there is a balancing act that some days will be off, but I need to at least try.
The other big issue looming is the idea of trying to get pregnant again, I just don't want to go there. I love Carter and having him come into our lives is the best. The idea of the constant worry about getting pregnant and then having a healthy pregnancy is daunting. I am trying to stay positive and focus on the fact that we already have one healthy baby which mentally does help. I worry what another child will bring to our little threesome and if I can keep it all together. Plus I know I have so much weight to still lose and to get bitched at constantly by my OB/GYN is not my idea of fun. I might need to even switch OB/GYN's. Even just thinking about hearing about my weight is enough to set me over the edge. Somehow I am going to get through this though and Kent and I are going to have good things happen for us. We are a strong couple and we survived one round of infertility issues, we can do it again. We might even get lucky again and have a pregnancy that comes without too much intervention.
So today I am going to try to stop the negative thoughts and look around at all of the good.
Here's a few new photos of Carter that I just love....
