Frustration

My sweet little Carter's photo shows exactly how I am feeling lately!

Everything appears to be going wrong over the past month. My ability to deal with stress is plummeting. We went to Scottsdale mid-April and had a fabulous time, but it feels like everything has gone downhill from there. I haven't been able to blog because my computer at home is just about dead. We need to get a new one, but a few things have made that a little bit of a challenge.

In the past 3 weeks I have managed to:
Dislocate Carter's elbow, which sent us to Children's Hospital. He was such a trooper and only cried when they put it back into place. How this happened, I seriously do not know. He never cried once, we just realized he wasn't using his left arm. It sort of just "hung" there.

We are in a property line dispute with our neighbor. This dispute is taxing on me with the unknown implications and the knowledge that one day it will be over and we will again have to be "neighborly."

Due to the stress from the above Kent and I have had plenty of words for one another and ideas on how to fix things, like the property line dispute. It makes me bummed at our lack of communication, but I am trying to see this as a building block.

Mother's Day came and went as did the bickering within my immediate family. I felt robbed of my special day with Carter so we are having a do-over next week-end. A certifiable do-over complete with pictures, brunch and an outing somewhere warm (which means indoors as it is suppose to rain).

I'm hoping that "venting" a bit might make this crap go away. I'd like to be like Charlie Sheen, and tell everyone that I am "winning!" So here's to the winners.

Commitment to Myself

The Mothers "guilt" has hit me a bit with my last complaining session about not having time for myself. I really processed this over the week-end and I know that my biggest problem is that I need to get some weight off so that we can start to try for another baby. Weight loss is a struggle for me, always has been, and I really would like to have a healthier pregnancy. My blood pressure is higher now than it was before I had Carter. My weight is off by about 8 pounds, but there is those nagging 30 pounds that I gained while we were trying to get pregnant. I was nervous while I was pregnant as my swelling was extreme and the post preclampsia I had was terrifying. So the complaining about having no time to myself is honestly a complaint that each day I don't find 30 minutes to run, is another day we have to wait to try and get pregnant. I personally would like to go off of birth control in July and then start trying, casually at first, if nothing happens after 6 months, than we are back to the fertility specialists. I am determined to do my best to be healthy though, as is Kent. So somehow each day I am going to have those running shoes on and the laundry, the dishes and the yard work will have to wait. But, my little Carter will never have to.

Carter is doing awesome, like he is my little rock star baby. He is such a happy little guy. We changed out his nipples this past week-end and I'm telling you, what idiots we were to not have done it sooner! He use to take 45 minutes to drink a 5 ounce bottle, now he's done in 15. He is happier, we are happier! We did take him out in his new carrier we bought him, the gemini, and he did great. I still worry that it seems like a "crotch killer" but this one has more support in the legs and toosh area, so hopefully he can handle the pressure!

Now that our remodel is DONE...photos to follow one day, we have time to be a family. We went to the airport Saturday morning to welcome our friends home who adopted a little girl, she is beautiful and perfect. Then we treated ourselves to a little lunch and shopping. Nordstrom has by far the best baby changing place I have found. I love that Mother's lounge. We bought a Jonathan Adler lion that I had been eyeing, it goes well with our modern home. We had lunch and as I was holding Carter I was amazed how many people approached us to say what a cute baby he was. He is a chick and older person magnet! We were again awful and bought his some awesome clothes. I love that damn Ralph Lauren and we scored this fabulous winter coat for next year. I figure that I'm not buying clothes for this body, so I can buy them for him (-: This Friday he has his 4 month check up, I can't wait to see what he weighs!

Screw you January

This is exactly how I have felt for most of January. It was such a difficult transition from a stay-at-home mom to a full time employee and a full time mom. I miss Carter terribly and I am pissed to be in a work environment while my child is being bathed and loved by someone else. I spend my entire day, including my work time, taking care of others and making their "reality" better, often to only get punched in the gut. This is my reality though and I need to make the most of it.

The most challenging thing so far has been the complete lack of time for myself. I honestly don't think I have more than 30 minutes to myself in a 24 hour period. I know that mothers have been saying this for years, but you don't understand it until you experience it. Somehow I am the last one standing, the last one left behind. Jesus I don't even wash my make-up off sometimes before I go to bed. Fitness...what in the hell is that? Groomed nails...I don't think so. God forbid I have time to read a book, listen to music or a peaceful spot I can zone out in without thinking that I have 4 loads of wash to do and there is nothing to eat in the house.

I'm pissed that I have not prepared myself enough for this. Maybe I should have frozen some soups or casseroles. Maybe I should have read more books on sleep schedules so that Carter would go to bed before 10:30pm. Maybe I shouldn't have gained so much damn weight before I actually conceived. Maybe I should learn to relax and work with what I have.

I'm excited about my new Gemini baby carrier and the fact that I am determined to take Carter on a walk tonight. Kent is being forced, by me, to learn 5 healthy meals that he can cook. I can not be the only one in our house who knows how to cook. It will bring resentment and a battle regarding "fairness" down the road. I am doing my best to make the most out of work and the fact that I do have to work. I'm definitely more touchy when it comes to work and my performance.

When I am feeling sad this is what helps me....

What I have learned in the last 3 weeks

I am sensitive
I am easily concerned over things I cannot control
I get anxiety far too often
I enjoy sleeping and have a baby who lets me have a good 7 hours a night
Work is called work for a reason, it's not called Play
My life is what I make of it
Change is not a bad thing, it just can be rocky at times

This past 3 weeks, since I returned to work, has been the absolute most stressed I have been in years. What I am happy to say is that I have not over indulged with food or alcohol and I have allowed myself to "feel" what I need to. Man has there been a lot of tear shedding and self doubt about myself. I had a pep talk with myself though and I am finding myself coming out of this fog. I am able to grasp reality easily and reconnect with what is important to me. I'm ready to take some chances and shake things up a bit, it is just time. I'm proud of my ability to relax when I get home from work and spend the evening playing with Carter and making dinner. I have the life I want, this is no joke. I am beyond overjoyed with my life and what surrounds me. I'm also willing to make the changes that are necessary to weed out what I no longer want. That is a beautiful thing. There's a new clarity that I have that could be do to the fish oil I am back to taking (I honestly swear by that stuff!). The most important point though, I am a working mom who is doing the best she can and it is pretty damn good.



Carter is cracking me up these days. He is happy, such a happy baby. He smiles constantly and is just about ready to start laughing. That I cannot wait for! He brings so much joy to those around him, he is my little shining light at the end of the day.

Pandora's box

Several days ago I asked Kent to go into the garage and pull out all of the boxes that are marked Lisa TT. These boxes of mine are all of the clothes that my mom and I packed up in April of last year, right before we moved into our new home. They are marked Lisa, as they are lady clothes and TT, means Too Tight. I thought I was all cute and witty as I was 2 months pregnant and I knew that I would not be wearing these clothes over the summer, especially as my belly grew bigger and bigger. These boxes, all 8 of them, have been stacked in the corner and looming over me. I knew that once I gathered the nerve to open them, it would be a little like opening Pandora's box.

These TT boxes were filled with sizes of a pretty big scale. Through my entire adult like I have fluctuated constantly with my weight. I held pretty steadily within a 10-15 pound range for several years, even through our early dating years and all of the fun food and wine. I can remember the weight coming on quickly through a stressful point in our relationship, work life, family life etc. Then so very slowly the weight would get lost. The quickest weight gain I had was definitely from June-December of 2009. This was a fast 25-35 pounds and they were all stress and pain induced regarding getting pregnant. All of these clothes that I marked TT, were essentially the clothes I wore prior to this time. Sure there were a few oddities that I had not worn in quite some time, like a size 12 Calvin Klein pair of jeans. I grabbed those jeans today and nearly crapped myself at how small they looked. Granted I only fit into them for about 9 days, the first 9 days of knowing Kent, but I still fit into them. These size 12's haunt me now, because I have no clue how I actually did get into them. They were snug, but nothing that What Not to Wear would hound me about. Now a size 12 may not sound small to some, but I was at one point a 24W, so that is a huge feat for me.

As I was repacking the clothes away, hoping to find a few of my work clothes that would fit, I felt really sad. I was sad for myself, but really sad for Kent. He just came into the office and saw me in here and I started crying and told him how sorry I was that I had let myself go, and I thanked him for being so kind to me. He was pissed and annoyed, as I am a broken record about my weight and health. I think that the weight gain from clomid, stress etc is the hardest for me to swallow as it was just a tough time. The good thing though is that I am ready to get back to that healthier size. I may not get into those size 12 Calvins, or have that super flat stomach I use to (that's what 10 grand and a tummy tuck gets you (-: ) But in all honesty I am ok with that. Most of those clothes in those boxes are obtainable, still fashionable and are ready to be hanging in my closet and not taking up space in my garage.

It seems overwhelming to get back into them, but in all honesty, I am not terribly far from it. Just like my wedding ring, which does get over my knuckle now, but is still too tight, I will get back into these clothes and that healthier lifestyle. Even though I am a mom, a full time employee, a wife and a friend, I am still responsible for myself and my emotions. It's time to work out the balance and get back into my good parts of myself.

My wishes and dreams

I'm sitting here at work today, 35 years old and ready to have my first child anytime now. I have been busily getting my house unpacked, remodeled and prepared for Shim's arrival. Last night I went through a box of old photo albums from many, many years ago...college days, late 20's up until the present day. I looked at these photos, especially those from my early 20's with amazement. In these photos was a girl who had dreams of having a husband and a family. Of course I wanted to have a career, to travel, to be skinny and beautiful and wealthy, but secretly, I wanted to experience love and have a family of my own. As the years passed I held onto my secret dream and watched as friends would get married and start having families. I held my head high, bought a little white dog and named him Frank Kelley, and did the best I could to keep my feet moving in front of the other. Frank and I would take long walks and runs in our neighborhood. I would pass these beautiful homes filled with the image of happiness that I so desperately wanted, kids playing, eating at the dinner table together, watching TV or playing games. Some nights I would just cry a stream of tears as I wondered what would happen in my life. Last night the same tears came about.

I started looking at the early photos of Kent and I and reading the cards Kent has given me throughout the years. I sat there, sobbing and laughing at some of the things Kent has written me in the past 4 years. The first card he gave me was actually attached to a beautiful bouquet of flowers he sent me to my work on our first month anniversary of dating. Kent didn't even really know where I worked, but he googled it, ordered some flowers and then wrote on the card, "Happy one month anniversary. From your man friend Kent. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday, the women in my office in awe as these flowers arrive from a guy who is still just a guy in my life. Kent has always been more than just a guy to me. I knew within the first month of hanging around with him that he was the one, he was going to be the man I marry. My walk down memory lane was so emotional last night, thank God I was by myself as he would have been uncomfortable if I sat there and cried and re-read all his cards.

The cards that started to really bring on the tears were the ones that Kent gave me last summer/fall. The ones of encouragement about how 2010 would be "our" year and all of our "dreams" would come true. Kent never fully came out and said that we would have a baby, but that was what he referenced and what he wanted as well. Now that I have 11 days left until Shim due date I am a mess, a complete wreck. I could complain about the weight gain, swollen feet, uncomfortableness etc. That is not what is making me a mess, what is making me a mess is the sheer joy I feel. Through all of these end of the road pregnancy symptoms I am still processing this event as I know best, with love and joy. I, Lisa, am going to be someones mom soon. That 20 year old girl who would sit in the coffee shops on Capitol Hill in Seattle and journal for hours about what I wanted in life is finally going to get her wish. It is still surreal for me. I am excited, nervous and grateful beyond belief. I don't care any longer that all of the house is not completely remodeled, or that I am not able to be on the go as much any longer. Beautiful shoes and handbags seem like they are so far in my past, even my coveted Louboutin's that Kent bought me as a wedding gift. I'll take a nike running shoe over my Louboutin's if it means that I can carry Shim easier. My life is now wrapped up in my husband and this life inside of me.

Last week-end I cried to Kent that soon we would no longer be Kent and Lisa. I have loved this 4 years together more than I can say and the new change that is around the corner is a dream for both of us. Kent and I have vowed to keep the bond we have towards one another, but I know that Shim is going to need us more than we will need one another. All of those photos around the house of Kent and I will slowly be refilled with a family, our new family. I've been told by many that I am too much of a dreamer, well now I know that dreams can really come true.

Time....

Kent asked me the other night if we had any other stores to go to and I blankly stared at him and said, "the one that sells us more time." It is August 24th and I am frightened that in one week it will be September. I will have essentially one month until Baby Davis comes. Here have been our highs and lows over the past several weeks:

1) Kent has been a rock star and is killing himself to get our home finished. The landscape is complete, I can almost go without shoes on all 4 levels of my house as the chances of nails etc embedding themselves into my foot is almost impossible ( I say almost as I found two strays just hanging out in the carpet outside of my bedroom last night).

2) Kent's rock star status has to be downgraded a little bit as the only way the house is getting complete is that he has totally blown our budget. I don't know by how much, I leave those things for Kent to deal with. I mean when you need a new front door, don't you have to replace every door in the HOUSE so that everything is aligned and structured together? My pretend gay husband with his decorating and spacial qualities will just never understand what a true necessity is when it comes to remodeling a home. I am loving how it turns out and I just hope I can produce enough breast milk as that will seriously have to be the nutrition for the 3 of us!

3) I have had two showers now, both of them quite lovely and overwhelming with gifts. I have been so bad lately about photos, so I only have this one, which shows how crazy and generous my friends and family are.



4) Amidst all of this chaos we have had some tragedy as one of Kent's few relatives was killed in a freak drowning incident. He was a twin, only 19 years old, and it was so sad. We drove to Lincoln City, Oregon and as I sat during this funeral I would look at his parents and my sadness was overwhelming. Shim is sitting inside of me, all cocooned and waiting for his/her big arrival in 6 weeks. I love Shim more than I can say and I cry every time I think of Zach's parents and his twin sister and the sadness they are feeling. Kent's mother is also not doing very well. She suffers from bi-polar/depression/psychosomatic episodes and she is in a little of a zinger right now. It is so difficult and the timing is never good, particularly now. I am not the most reasonable person right now so Kent is really having to work hard right now to keep both me and his mom in the right place.

5) This past week-end we went to our friends Colleen and Trever's wedding. It was a very long day, but we danced and let loose. Kent is such a fun guy, I am so lucky to have him as my partner. I haven't really been taking pregnancy photos as, honestly, some people say they can't tell I am pregnant. When I tell them I am due October 6th they look at me sideways and I just explain that I am a big girl, and when you are big all over, the baby has more room. Here are a few photos from the wedding.





I am in a state of mind right now that is of love and hope. When Shim gives me a good kick, I say hi and tell Shim that I love them very much. When I sit in the nursery, which is so close to being done, I actually tear up a bit with anticipation that someday very soon I will have my little baby in my arms. Since I was a little girl I wanted to be married and a mom more than anything. It was very hard for me to find love, or actually, very hard to allow myself to love and be loved. Kent has brought more to my life than I can possibly explain to people and now, with Shim so close to being born, I am literally brimming with love. I don't know if I have ever been able to say that.

Reactions

Last night Kent and I were on the sofa, I was lying down, he was sitting there, and we were talking. We seem to always be talking about the house and recently we've been talking more about life; the fact we are going to be first time parents and what that is going to mean. As we are sitting there I could really feel the baby move, this is not new to me though as it is like a little flutter in my belly daily. Last night though the baby was in full force and I grabbed Kent's hand and he felt it too. There was something that became real for both of us last night as the baby kicked or pushed hard enough that Kent could feel it as well. I could tell he was excited, it was obvious by the expression on his face. It was excitement, amazement and probably a little disbelief. 7 months ago, almost to the day, I was in my office sobbing when I was told IVF was going to be our only option for having children. My left ovary was filled with a giant lemon sized cyst and my hopes of conceiving in 2009 were crushed. We moved on though and we celebrated the holidays and the start of 2010. Somehow we conceived on our own and now I am looking at artwork for our babies room instead of our living room. I've been very emotional the last few days, the emotions are bliss. I'm trying to be in this space of time with gratitude for what we have been blessed with and pushing the fear of the unknown away. I thank whoever is watching over me everyday for this chance Kent and I have been given. I wish those who desire as we did that they too will get their wish granted as well.

Ramblings of a pregnant woman

It's been two weeks since my last post and I'm a bit frustrated by that. I'm starting to get frustrated constantly. I'm tired of working on our house, our money pit of crap that just never seems to turn a corner to having one task done. Kent has been working so hard and I know he is tired of it as well. I almost started crying the other night when I realized we both are so tired at the end of the night that we just go to bed, no chatting, no cuddling, nothing...just fall asleep exhausted. I've had friends say, "when are you going to post pics of your house"? Well...here's why I haven't really posted many......

My house is in a wild heron sanctuary and apparently the last owner felt there was no need to ever trim a tree, I almost couldn't see the house when Kent first took me here.


Last week-end we literally killed ourselves, and my parents trying to trim the trees. This is just a small portion of the pile o' crap that is now my yard.

Look at these lovely bathroom shots that Kent "woo-ed" me with...




Here is where we are now....

Actually, we are a little farther, but you get the point.

Every night I come home, and I honestly run into a pile of this....


There is something about needing to wear shoes in your home for fear of a nail or screw jabbing you in the foot. Everything is dusty and I'm a tidy lady.

Luckily my man feels my pain and does this about 3x a week....



Loads this shit up and takes it to the dump!

Now to be fair, the house is actually looking better than some of these photos. We have been able to paint the entire outside, redo the deck, painted all of the kitchen cabinets and put new nobs on. The electrician is coming next week to do an overhaul and then drywall will go up in the rooms that we tore out paneling. I know my problem is that I see my belly growing more everyday, and I see that due date getting closer and my sense of freedom is dwindling. Kent and I should be trying to have some parties, travel a bit, enjoy our city and friends before our nugget arrives as everything is going to change. We haven't been able to do that though as this house has taken over. I know Kent is "nesting" now though and is really pushing to get everything ready before the baby comes. I love that about him. This week-end I hope to be able to look for curtains, a new coffee table and maybe buy the baby something fun.

Pregnant and Homeless...

This past week I've found myself having vivid dreams, like an affair with Alec Baldwin and another one with just myself and my big pregnant belly in a tank dress on the side of the road eating beef jerky. I haven't told Kent about the second one, but this dream has far more strength in becoming a reality than Alec Baldwin applying lotion to my back (I don't even have a thing for Alec Baldwin, but he can be smug and cocky which has been my thing lately, in my dreams). Our housing dilemma has only continued to rock my very moody soul back and forth lately and I'm at my breaking point. We were suppose to close last Thursday but the banks 2nd home inspector wanted the entire outside of the house painted, an indoor railing made and both decks railings revamped. We found this out last Thursday and all work had to be completed by Monday. That's right, we had 3 full days to do the work of what would take weeks. Thank God Kent is a contractor, because honestly, we would never have been able to find a good contractor and painter in such a short time.

I am furious as we were spending time and serious money on a place that WE DON'T EVEN OWN! The seller refused to pay for these things as it was our problem that the bank wouldn't close, not his. We spent this past week-end pressure washing the entire house, building railings and basically killing ourselves. We have been arguing with one another and it is fear based, worried that we will not have anywhere to live. Our triplex is rented and the new people are slated to arrive with their moving truck in one week. The logical side of me knows that things will work out, but my logic is shot at this point, I'm running on pure fumes and emotions.

So tonight as I lie my head on my pillow I will have sweet dreams of Alec Baldwin and moving to a different zip code, not one where I am in a tank dress eating beef jerky.

Woke up this morning...

This past week I have waking up and wondering how in the hell I am 35 and analyzing the choices I've made. I found some of my old journals and I riffled through them with laughter, horror and sort of some profound thoughts. I'm still complaining about my weight, how I'll make that connection some day with food and stress etc. It is also funny, in hindsight of course, to see what I considered a crisis in my younger years and how I handled it.

This past week I have had to remind myself daily that the things that are happening recently are for a reason. I feel stressed about the future, but maybe it is time I do. I have felt pretty stagnant lately and I know that is by choice as I really struggle with change. I have joked that dating and getting married have been enough change for me for the next several years. That is not actually true though. I'm pretty dissatisfied with how bad I have been feeling about myself lately. It's not a depression thing, but just a general feeling like, "what in the hell am I doing with myself." I'm sort of taking stock right now in myself and I don't see a very organized profile. Life seems to somehow get in the way, I let it get in the way. I'm pretty tired of feeling poorly about my decisions and it is sort of time to man up and make changes. I do see many changes for myself this upcoming year and I'm pretty anxious about them. I do know though that I am a survivor, I just haven't been in survivor mode for quite awhile.

Having the last word...

Am I a "know-it-all?" Do I always have to win an argument or have the last word? This is really on my brain right now. I find myself often dishing out advice, generally it is asked of me, but at times I know I need to have the last word. Today at work I found myself with a 1 out of 2 "win" with disgruntled patients. No specifics to mention, but I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "how could I have handled this better?" I think I need better negotiating/listening/problem solving skills with angered individuals. Hell I need better skills with happy individuals. Even in my marriage there are days that I know that serpent tongue of mine can lash out and whip Kent across the face. It's a tactic I've learned throughout the years to protect myself, but one that I'm not always proud of.

I had some pretty good revelations today about what I consider "fact finding" but might very well come across as "condescending or rude" to the recipient. Kent and I have been heavily weighing our options when it comes to housing. We are keeping our triplex and will be moving this spring/summer. Do we rent, do we somehow buy? Well it appeared renting was our only option but I smelled some creativity out of Kent recently as he has been scouring RedFin like mad. Last week-end we went to a few open houses and holy shit it is going to suck to leave my awesome place and live in a crap hole. Look at this beauty Kent made...



Back to reality...There is nothing like a real estate agent explaining a home as "a great opportunity for someone with contractor skills." The fine print on that comment..shit hole that I will more than likely live in. When I said "I do" to Kent, I also said I do to contractor visions and nightmare projects. Kent is awesome though and I know he has our best interests at heart. We struggle a bit with my vision not being so keen as his and my constant questioning of "how" and the disbelief that the vision is possible. I know that Kent and I have different communication styles as I'm a lady and he's a man. I might need to pick up The Male Factor, a new book on Amazon. It talks more about relationships in the workplace between men and women, but it generally all boils down to communication styles and perceptions.

I'm sort of rambling a bit today, but there is a definite swirl up in this brain. I don't want to be a know-it-all. I'd like to be thought of as determined, compassionate, educated and concise. Generally though I'm pretty damn emotional and that gets the best of me. I use to be so cool, now I frickin' get hives on my chest. I must remember if I become a negotiator to wear a turtle neck...but sometimes those damn cheeks of mine get flushed too! Oh..the travesty of having passion (aka an opinion that I damn well want you to understand).

Other than my know-it-all attitude things have been pretty calm and nice around the Davis household. We are still rockin' our fitness. Yesterday we met at the stairs and I did 5 sets, that's 1250 stairs up and down, or the equivalent of 62 flights of stairs. That is no joke people. I thought I was going to die on my last 50. Oh, and I didn't mention the running in between the sets. I'm weighing myself tomorrow, but I'm already a winner as I know my body is smaller. My new fat pants (recent purchases) are a bit looser. My lady business should be kicking in soon and then that drama starts. It has been so nice to not have that rolling around in my brain and those bad, bad drugs playing with my passion, ahem, emotions. We are leaving President's Day Week-end for Palm Springs so if my business doesn't come by early next week, we won't be timed right for an IUI, so then we will skip another cycle. I'm not happy about it, but this vacation was planned a long time ago and I see a big yellow ball in the sky and a heated pool with my name all over it.

Happy Holidays....

I'm starting to get that warm feeling, the happiness feeling that I haven't felt for awhile. I am enjoying the beautiful decorating Kent and I did together and the fun things planned over the next few days. I'm keeping my stress at bay, even though it is all around me. I'm controlling what I can and putting the rest aside as it will do me no good. I'm so thankful that I have a husband who will make a mad dash with me to the store and make 12 gifts for all my co-workers on a moments notice (like last night at 8pm).






There are so many reasons that I love Kent, but here is an example of what makes him that fabulous guy. The other night I was putting some presents under the tree and I noticed this one gift that looked really out of place. It's wrapping was terrible, you could see weird paper shredding, cat hair stuck in the tape and the bow was ridiculous. I thought to myself, we don't have kids! I forgot our only kid though is Kent's 16 year old cat Stoney who apparently went shopping for me and wrapped his own gift. The tag said To Mom Love Stoney. The fact that Kent intentionally wrapped this gift poorly and put a chunk of Stoney's fur in the tape is a testament to his thoughtfulness.


This has been a rock and roll of a year, literally. Some days are rocky, some days we roll on by. We've had our seat belts on the entire time though and I couldn't be more happy to be side by side with Kent. My wonderful friends too have been a testament to the word of friendship. Thank you everyone, have a wonderful holiday!

TGIF

Today I have begun a journey that I hope to continue over the next 4-6 weeks. This is a journey to pick myself off of the "floor" and rediscover who I am. I'm ashamed at the constant neglect of myself and my emotions. Last night I sobbed to Kent, asking him to let me quit my job, as the stress and emotional overload is overwhelming. Knowing that is not an option for many reasons I've realized that I can either wallow in pity and continue falling further and further, or I can reach out for help and reach within myself as well.

Yesterday my BFF Susan was reminding me of how every goal I have wanted I have achieved. We've known each other for many years. She and I met while I worked at the Westin hotel and I was finishing up at the UW. She has watched me graduate, conquer weight loss and fitness goals of 1/2 marathons and triathlons and truly test myself to the maximum by allowing myself to find the courage to date which ultimately allowed me to meet and marry the most incredible man. Since we have been married though I have had a secret underlying fear of infertility. I have known that I have PCOS and that this is the leading cause of infertility. Being that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would find the courage to allow someone to love me, I was not worried about the pregnancy thing. My marriage is wonderful, but this fear of infertility is robbing it of the joy that was once there.

Today I found myself reading a book that I have had on my shelf for quite some time. It is a book about one's emotions and how much of a prisoner we are within ourselves. I've combated years of not feeling worthy, regardless of the relentless pursuit I put towards things. I'm a 100% or nothing kind of lady. This is not life though, this is a death sentence as I can not be perfect all the time. The quote that really stuck out for me was referring to emotional freedom and how we can view our emotions and the stronghold they have on us. "To make this a reality (emotional freedom) you must begin to see each event of your life, uplifting or hurtful, earthshaking or mundane, as a chance to grow stronger, smarter, more light-bearing. But here's where many of us hit a wall. We're ashamed of feeling afraid, inadequate, lonely, as if we've failed or done something wrong. No matter what you've experienced, there is always hope for change and healing. It's a miracle within reach. Don't be afraid to want it."

For some reason that is just resonating with me. I'm so angered and feel robbed by infertility and the medications I need to combat that problem. I'm afraid all the time. I'm pushing my fear and sadness down with foods that do more harm than good. I've lost that spirit within myself that is always a show stopper (I'm great in a crowd). I have gratitude though that I am able to see the good in life, the good in my friends and I have never faltered on finding joy for others and their successes. I'm a cheerleader, a really big boned cheerleader for the world who is struggling to find a hoorah.

My TGIF for today is to myself, for finding the courage to come to work after a hallacious week and for taking a small step forward to that woman I use to be. She is surely not lost, she is just a bit cloudy.

"When it looked like the sun wasn't gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds." Dr. Maya Angelou

Unknown Caller

While Kent and I were in Las Vegas for the U2 concert I had many moments that grabbed me and stuck with me. One particular moment was during their song Unknown Caller. There was something about being outdoors, squished into this stadium and having this amazingly large 360 degree screen above my head showing some of these lyrics. Unknown Caller is this really great song on their newest album that I just love. For some reason, this song has stayed with me and is almost on a constant repeat in my mind. Here are a few of the lyrics:

I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all

Go, shout it out, rise up
Oh, oh
Escape yourself and gravity
Hear me, cease to speak that I may speak
Shush now
Oh, oh
Force quit and move to trash

I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me

Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now

The part of the lyrics that has stayed with me is:
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now

On Saturday morning this song was playing in my head as the ultra sound technician told me that my eggs were no larger than a 10. Over and over the lyrics played. Kent and I went home and I tried to take a nap. As I closed my eyes I saw the calendar moving rapidly and started realizing that if we are not pregnant in the next few months, we won't have a baby in 2010. Over and over the lyrics played. Today the 2nd ultrasound showed no growth, even though I had been crampy for the past week. The ARNP told me one more dose of clomid, this time they would try 150mg. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind.

Then I did what I probably shouldn't have. I asked her what happens after this next dose if we don't get pregnant. She took the bait and said IVF. I was startled as I thought that would be the last thing she would tell me. What about all of the injectibles drugs I have heard about, something stronger than clomid. How do I go from something that costs me $800 a month to a procedure that is upwards of $15,000? This seems like telling an overweight person to give up Soda and if they don't reach their goal weight, well than have gastric bypass. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind. Then the tears started, the silent type that just roll down your face. The ARNP became uncomfortable for obvious reasons and then she touched my shoulder and said that it was awkward to see me in the elevator and at Starbucks all the time because she knows how hard we are trying. No shit. I ride up or down the elevator daily with someone from this clinic; just this morning I had the pleasure of riding up with the RE I see. It's either this staff or some pregnant woman.

I feel numb right now. In April my goal was to get pregnant by October so that my baby's first concert would be a U2 show. It is now December and I am meeting with the RE on Monday to make a game plan, one that involves plans I was never prepared for, like IVF. Having PCOS makes pregnancy all together difficult. Once a woman becomes pregnant there is a multitude of higher risks that she faces, like a miscarriage rate of upwards to 30-40%. Many months ago I told myself that I wasn't going to go down the IVF route. I couldn't risk $15,000 a time and potentially lose the baby. I was going to go the adoption route. This decision is something that I figured Kent and I would be forced to deal with in 2011. Like a YEAR from now. We will get through this, somehow we will get through it.

On another side note, my Thanksgiving went well. I made some kick ass recipes. Kent also made me a winter wonderland on our porch with real garland and lights. I love my 7 foot Christmas tree and all of the beautiful ornaments we have bought together. I am having a hard time recognizing the joy of December and the holidays, particularly since I know we are in a tough situation. I am probably going to need to tell my parents, who I don't share very much with. We are a family who does not share. We love each other etc, but we don't share deep, personal things. We don't even use the "L" word.

I just returned from seeing my trainer and I feel better and motivated. I hope anyone out there who is going through the same thing is having more success than I am this month. I'm crossing my fingers for you.

Taking Care of Myself

This topic came up in my session with a therapist that I have been seeing for some time. There are days that I show up and wonder what we will discuss and today was one of those days. I'm tired of talking about my weight or talking about the question of when I will get pregnant or how my job at times is ridiculous. Today was a good day though because we both sort of looked at these topics and noted what was in my control and what wasn't. Here is some hopeful decisions I have made.

1) Weight. I'm blowing up like a hot-air balloon. I'm embarrassed to admit that I could be a linebacker with the Seattle Seahawks. As I've been increasing my amount of Metformin I have also been increasing my carbs as it is the only thing that helps with the side effects of nausea and crazy bad belly. I'm frustrated as I need to take Metformin, but I also need to lose weight. So I just booked an appointment with a nutritionist to discuss PCOS, insulin resistance and getting pregnant. I have read so many books, but I'm really needing some support and I hope this will help jump start a better relationship with food and my body.

2) Today is my last day of Clomid. Yeah! Then we have an ultrasound on Saturday the 27th and hopefully an IUI on the 28th. All I can control is that I show up at the right time of my appointment and take the appropriate medication. That's it. I can't control if I ovulate, hopefully Clomid will help me with that. I also can't control when I will get pregnant. I'm going to do my best to stop the stressing and to focus on taking care of myself and pregnancy will come one way or another.

3) Holidays. As a child I had a wonderful time with my family and our gigantic extended family. As the years have passed though the holidays are increasingly more stressful and filled with little joy. I am not going to let this happen though to my holiday with Kent. I may struggle when I am with my parents etc, but that doesn't mean that Kent and I can't enjoy our own private holiday time. Kent and I are going to be in a little protective bubble this year during the holidays. I'm staying away from drama and searching out the happiness that is around me. We have many fun things planned including the Seattle Men's Chorus and the Rockettes.

Tonight I plan on hopefully going to the gym and hitting the treadmill. I'm also feeling like a cold is brewing so possibly I will sit on the sofa and watch the office and laugh with my husband. Either way, I'm taking care of myself.

Moving On

This morning my lady business is officially here and I picked up my prescription for 100mg of Clomid and my HCG shot. This will be our 3rd round of clomid, and if all goes well, we will have an IUI Thanksgiving week-end. While I was holding that RX in my hand my first thought was, well here comes the bitch again. I'm so nasty on this drug and emotional. I roll into my office a few minutes later, turn on the computer and ITUNES and the first shuffled song that BLARES out of my speakers is Elton John's The Bitch is Back. I seriously love my life and the fact that I can see humor in everything.

I'm feeling fine today and I'm focusing on what I have and not what I don't. I am trying to find the holiday spirit and my goal is to spread a little joy and happiness this year. Throughout the years presents have been the top priority of the Christmas season. My family shows their love with gifts and a ton of them. I'm over that though and if I want something, I can just buy it myself. So this year I am thinking about thoughtful ways to spread joy and kindness that are not necessarily wrapped up with a bow. Thank you to everyone for their kindness yesterday.

Wordless Wednesday

I love to look at blogs and see the inner workings of those near and far, strangers and friends. On several blogs I've found there are groups/friends who focus on a task for a day of the week. Tuesday's have been titled Self Portrait Tuesday, where one literally takes a self portrait and posts it. Wednesday's have been titled Wordless Wednesday's. I chose Friday's for myself to be TGIF, which was to focus on Gratitude in my life, and not just the gratefulness of the impending week-end.

I suppose this photo is not actually wordless, but unfortunately it has left me a bit quiet today. What I know though is that life is good and someday I will have a different photo to post.

Here's my first post for Wordless Wednesday.

Nervous

Ok, so since I thought I would use this blog as a bit of a journal, here is what I feel like writing...I'm nervous about what the stick is going to say tomorrow. I've done my best not to think about it, but now I'm like...12 more hours!

I hate Clomid, I hate that drug and the fact I need it to get even one follicle to mature. I really don't want to worry about another IUI right after Thanksgiving and the potential no right before Christmas. I know that this is just a fact of life, but I'm ready to no longer learn about the drama of have PCOS and how difficult it is to get pregnant.

There is a part of me who has just fought with this body of mine since I was 5. Always trying to lose weight as I was a giant kid, a giant teenager and through out my adult years I have fluctuated to the extreme. I'm not "giant" right now, but that scale is on a number that I haven't seen for five years. I'm bummed to see that number and how little control I feel right now over my body. My spirits are remaining high though and I appreciate all of the positive feedback from everyone.

U2 Part Deux

Upon returning from Las Vegas I found myself at the RE office and one good follicle. The next morning we went in early and Kent made a deposit, we went and had breakfast and then I returned for our first IUI. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but it was quite simple. As the ARNP was inserting Kent's deposit she told me we should have intercourse at 8:30pm that night. I told her that I was going to be rocking out at the U2 show in Vancouver and that there was probably no "place" to make that happen at 8:30pm. She stared at me with a blank face and all I could think was these "professionals" just can't let up somedays. I have run a medical practice for almost 9 years, and medicine need to have humor in it because sometimes thinking about sadness all day long is not good for you or the patient. Chum it up a bit with your patients if the mood calls for it! Anyways, the IUI happened, I hung out for 20 minutes and we headed off to Canada.

The trip to Canada was simple. We started passing the U2 decorated cars and I felt bummed that my Nissan wasn't tricked out in U2 memorabilia. As we prepared to cross the border we found ourselves waiting for entirely too long. The traffic into Vancouver was awful as well. Here I thought we would have several hours to hang out before the show, but of course, my timing is just never that good. We did arrive at our hotel, The Loden and it was awesome. They upgraded us to the most beautiful suite...living room, dining area, bedroom, amazing bathroom etc. It has a killer view and how I love my heated tile floors. These floors are better than ours though as they are individually controlled on and off, not just when the heat is on. I love heated floors like I love heated seats..even in hot weather!

We had a quick drink and bite to eat in the lobby and took the skytrain to the arena. We were sort of dumb and dumber again not knowing exactly where to go.

How I love clean, cool city transportation!

Honestly though, the entire downtown was sold out for this concert and we were able to again just follow the flow of people. We weren't able to hook up with any of our friends who were going to this show, but we did run into my pretend brother David for a moment during intermission.

What I liked about this show was the fact that we had seats, and I could see the entire stage. I actually missed the general admission crowd and vibe until I could see it from above. I can't believe my 5'2" stature survived Las Vegas, what a mess it looked like from above. Our seats were expensive and worth it. The bummer was the sound was a little weird being bounced off the concrete. I look forward to U2 coming to Seattle in June 2010 as they will be playing at Qwest field, an outdoor stadium. This show is meant to be outside for sure!








During the show I started to feel pretty crampy. Then I worried that "everything" was falling out of my uterus so I quit jumping around as much (yes, I'm a jumper and fist in the air U2 fan). Kent told me to quit worrying about this, but it is hard not to. Who knows if the IUI will take, it is only our first attempt. I am doing my best to stay positive, but the waiting is hard. I have been propelled and somewhat pumped up to get myself in a better place, mind..body...and spirit. I have been motivated by fellow bloggers getting pregnant and personal friends taking better care of themselves. I am back on my glucophage, so of course, I am feeling awful. I have to work through these symptoms and I do know that eventually my body will get more accustomed to the drug. I also cleaned out the fridge and pantry and planned our food for the week. Fitness is a priority and Kent and I are working on clearing our calendars to ensure we get some exercise.

Our 2 adventures were amazing and I love my husband for being my partner in crime.