The most important post

That might be too dramatic of a title, but honestly, it is how I am feeling right now. It is about 1pm and in 6 hours I am going to check in to the hospital and finally have this baby. Last week we checked in and did the same thing, but after 24 hours and Shim not budging, we went home without my baby in my arms. I cried a few tears as I was getting out of my hospital gown, but I am wise enough to know that if Shim didn't want to come out, and both myself and he/she were fine, than it just was not time. I didn't really have any mind games or doubt about my inability to get this baby moving along and into the world. For once in my life I just took it as it came.

Now that is has been almost a week it is time for us to once again start this process rolling. I told Shim I feel bad that he/she is getting an eviction notice today, but it is time. I feel guilty that I haven't told my family etc, but after what happened last time, we are not telling anyone until things have progressed nicely. My cervix is still super tight and I'm about 1.5centimeters dilated, the same amount I have been for weeks. Tonight we will start some medication and we will continue until Shim and I can work together or we will have a C-section. Either way, I am ready. I am nervous about the process of giving birth, but I know that I can handle this.

So as I am preparing today, I'm finding myself in almost a state of denial. I've been curled up on the couch watching the worst TV ever. Did you know there was a reality show based on Southwest Airlines and their crazy passengers? Who knew, but that crazy drama filled 30 minutes has been cracking me up all day. I really should go and sweep, vacuum the floors and clean the bathrooms, but I would rather be glued to this show to see the drama unfold of missing luggage and missed connections.

In the back of my mind though is the realization of what the nurse said to me yesterday morning. She told me to pack my bag, be at the hospital at 7pm and be prepared to stay until you can take your baby home. Knowing that this is my last day in our home as Kent and I is bizarre. I've been so clingy to him lately, knowing that everything is going to change. Last night we tried to have dinner out and I was just in a tough spot. I didn't feel good and all I could think about was that this was our last night together, without worrying about Shim or finding a babysitter.

What I do know is what an awesome dad Kent is going to be. I can see the excitement on his face about what we are embarking on together, parenthood. We are filled with joy and anxiety. We are also such a good team that I feel as if we will be able to conquer anything. I feel confident in about abilities to lean on one another and to get help when we need it. We have similar ideals regarding the bringing up of of little one and where our priorities/goals lie. We both want more for Shim than we want for ourselves. Yet, we want Shim to understand the value of hard work, the value of kindness and gratitude.

Whoever we meet in the next few days, we wish for he/she to be healthy and prepared for a life full of opportunity and love.


I remember when we were having a wedding photos taken and this cute couple was crossing the bridge we were on. Our photographer Yvonne thought this was a sign of things to come. Soon we will be strolling with Shim in our stroller!

Baby Room

Well, we are past due now. I feel like part one of the pending birth story is due, but that will be another post. I keep walking past Shim's room, wondering when I will know if I am putting a little boy or girl in that crib. We are anxiously waiting, but knowing how stubborn Kent and I are, it is no wonder our baby is still enjoying that warm place in my belly.

Since I can't present Shim yet, I can at least show off Shim's space. For years I have loved Winnie-the-Pooh, not the Disney version, but the original version by A.A. Milne. That beloved Pooh and his friends have a special place in my heart. When we moved into our home in April I knew exactly where Shim's room would be, it would be the room that overlooked the Heron reserve we live on. It looks like we live in the forest, sort of like Pooh bears 100 Akre woods. This became my inspiration. I didn't want to tell people that the room was going to be inspired by Pooh as I knew I would get SO much stuff, and I already had enough. Plus I am a classic Pooh girl only. I decided that I wanted to make it look like the forest that Pooh and his friends live in. I wanted clouds on the ceiling, a forest on the walls and the rug I wanted to find needed to look like grass. It took some time to gather everything, but I am so pleased with how it turned out. It is just pure happiness.



















Kent and I found a woman on Craigslist who came to the house and painted the clouds, tree and characters. I just love them. I originally only wanted Pooh, the tree and the clouds, but Kent thought that Pooh needed his friends so they are sort of hidden around the room. I love the chair that Kent picked out as it is functional, comfortable and cool looking at the same time.

Now all we need is to have a baby (-:

Camping and Pregnancy.....

Camping and Pregnancy is like "chalk and cheese." My British friend Miles uses these lovely analogies that none of us understand. Basically, the two of them don't mix.

I felt nervous on Saturday morning as we were heading to Leavenworth. I'm having a hard time sleeping and the idea of being in a tent on an air mattress suddenly sounded very uncomfortable. When we planned this trip several months ago I was having no issues with being pregnant, I was mobile etc. Now I was finding myself 7 months pregnant and wanting to bail. I didn't though, I persevered, and made the most of it. When we arrived I was instantly attacked by mosquitoes and through a fit. Then I realized I didn't even think about bugs and bug spray and the safety for the baby. I was hungry, tired and being attacked which made me a ton of fun.

We quickly set up camp and made our way to the river for tubing. We arrived to find out we needed reservations and they were full. WTF is what was screaming in my brain. The only fun thing I was look towards this week-end was to float in the water. We waited for 2 hours and eventually we made our way onto the river. Getting into the tube was not the easiest thing as I found myself in a weird position that hurt my belly and back. The water was freezing and moving faster than last year. Within a few minutes I found myself in the brush being poked by sticks and I was pissed. Kent was having a blast and had pre-funked for 2 hours prior to getting on the river. Basically he was loaded and I felt a bit upset that he was to be my protector. I had to cut his ass loose twice as he fell out of his tube and there was no way I was going down with him.

The camping experience is one I do enjoy. I love the campfire, the smore making and seeing the stars. I was a trooper to the extreme as I couldn't get my fat ass out of the camping chairs, getting into a relaxing sleeping position was impossible and there were no tasty beverages I was able to enjoy. I did get to hang out with good friends and I know Kent had a blast. He was making me laugh so hard. It has been a hard few months with the home remodel and this was a great way for him to blow off steam.

28 weeks....

I'm at this weird stage in my pregnancy where I am slowly starting to get tired again and worry. I am 28 weeks pregnant, I just can't believe it. I can still remember that ultrasound technician telling me I was pregnant, it feels like only yesterday. I am trying to combat my fears of childbirth, breastfeeding and the care of "shim" by breathing, reading and researching. Kent and I have started a 6 week course that covers the birth process, breastfeeding and bringing home the baby. I'm hoping that having the information will help the "tears of fear" as I refer to them.

Our first class was Monday and it went fairly well. We did see a live birth and it freaked me out. The video was old, and it was pretty obvious to me that there were no drugs happening for the moms. Plus, the live birth and then the birthing of the placenta was enough to kick my senses in overdrive. I swear to God I didn't know about the majority of what was taught, the length of the birth, the part about waiting a decent amount of time before going to the hospital and the complexity of all of it. I feel confident in our hospital, my doctor and I know that Kent is going to be able to help me get through it. I don't think we will have anyone else in the room, I feel like this has been our journey to get pregnant and the birth is our journey as well. Plus, the messiness of birth is my private business.

Kent and I have been busy on the nursery and it is almost done. He still needs to build a bookshelf, my mobile from Etsy has not arrived yet, nor the glider we are having made. I also haven't done the "organizing" of the closet etc, but we still have time for that. We are using Shim's closet anyways right now as we haven't converted our closet yet. We did have the walls painted, and I can't wait to show it.

We will be having 3 baby showers. One shower is sort of a couple's "drinking" shower, a work shower and then finally a small shower with friends and a few relatives who are in town. The whole shower thing frustrates me as my Mother tends to get involved somehow and piss me off. I didn't invite my 88 year old Grandma to the couple's shower as she is coming to the family shower. Apparently that is really rude of me. I give up. In 2 months this crap will be over with and I can focus on the baby coming, not the drama of the showers. I feel pissed right now that I am even having to focus on this last shower. I wanted to have a few friends over, who haven't seen my house, and a few family members who are in town. My sister is going to help me with it, but frankly, it is not on my list of priorities. Now that my mom and Grandma are upset, I'll have to crank up this simple shower into something else. Argh! I'll only be 37 weeks pregnant when it is happening! Hell I might even have had the baby already (-:

I am a bit of an emotional mess, but everything is actually going quite well. Kent was able to get two of our rooms drywalled and primed. Tonight we will start painting them and carpet will be installed on Tuesday. I hate carpet, but it is our only option right now. That will have our guest room completed and Kent's office. I am so excited to get his office cleaned and organized. I love Kent, but holy hell, is he messy with paperwork sometimes. We are also having some landscape done at the end of next week which will really make the front of the house stand out.

This week-end we are going camping and floating outside of Leavenworth. I'm probably crazy for doing this, but I'm tired of doing house stuff and we are going with two other couples. It should be a fun week-end. Happy Thursday!

Why I haven't blogged for so long...

Can you really blame me, looking at this photo of where our home computer is housed? This is the dumpiest level of the house, and one I just bypass as much as possible. The rest of this level is missing electricity, walls, the ceiling and the bathroom will soon have our exposed septic system. It is Ghetto with a capital G and I can't stand being around it. The disorganization makes my skin crawl.

To help alleviate the craziness I told Kent is was time to get started on the baby's room. I ordered our crib and on Father's Day Kent put it together.


I love this crib, I think it looks so cute. We went with a modern style crib, which my mother thinks looks like a prison, but I love it.


The baby's room (Shim's room--our nickname since we don't know if it is a she or a him) has become my new little project. Kent and I both have a passion for art, and we knew right away that we were going to have custom art pieces in the baby's room. Before we were pregnant we had purchased one piece of art that is just perfect.


I told Kent though that this had to be the last art we purchased until we were definitely pregnant. It took some time but now that we are 25 weeks pregnant, I feel better about buying these things for the room. Our latest purchase was a custom piece by a local artist, Matthew Porter, who does these monkey drawings that I love. He does super hero monkeys, artist monkeys, and my favorite, rock and roll monkeys. I knew I needed a Bono Monkey, and I contacted Matthew to make us one. I picked it up last night and here it is (sort of hard to capture due to the flash).


It turned out exactly like I hoped. This week-end I am working on the curtains and the crib skirt arrived today at work. It is all starting to come together, even if the rest of my house is in total shambles. Shim's room is right next door to our bedroom, and every night before I go to bed I walk in here and see nothing but happiness.

Reactions

Last night Kent and I were on the sofa, I was lying down, he was sitting there, and we were talking. We seem to always be talking about the house and recently we've been talking more about life; the fact we are going to be first time parents and what that is going to mean. As we are sitting there I could really feel the baby move, this is not new to me though as it is like a little flutter in my belly daily. Last night though the baby was in full force and I grabbed Kent's hand and he felt it too. There was something that became real for both of us last night as the baby kicked or pushed hard enough that Kent could feel it as well. I could tell he was excited, it was obvious by the expression on his face. It was excitement, amazement and probably a little disbelief. 7 months ago, almost to the day, I was in my office sobbing when I was told IVF was going to be our only option for having children. My left ovary was filled with a giant lemon sized cyst and my hopes of conceiving in 2009 were crushed. We moved on though and we celebrated the holidays and the start of 2010. Somehow we conceived on our own and now I am looking at artwork for our babies room instead of our living room. I've been very emotional the last few days, the emotions are bliss. I'm trying to be in this space of time with gratitude for what we have been blessed with and pushing the fear of the unknown away. I thank whoever is watching over me everyday for this chance Kent and I have been given. I wish those who desire as we did that they too will get their wish granted as well.

19 weeks

I'm rounding the corner of being 19 weeks pregnant and I'm still a little baffled. Yesterday we went for the big Ultrasound, the sort of scary one when your are 35+ and they check for issues etc. The ultrasound tech was the same one we had the first time, I thought she was dull, but she was just doing her job. She spent about 45 minutes total and we were able to see the feet, hands, spine etc. When it was time to get close to the abdomen and genitals she had both of us close our eyes as we do not want to know the sex (I don't know if I could have been able to tell anyways). Kent and I kept laughing and yelling at one another that we had better not be cheating, it was probably only funny to us. The tech kept saying, your baby is really moving around, and I still felt like she wasn't actually talking to me. It strangely is just starting to hit me, like big time, that we are having a baby in early October. The ultrasound showed nothing out of the ordinary and as she and the Doctor left I just started to cry. Deep down I've worried, but I haven't let anything surface. The tears came out quickly though as I'm trying to get gel off my belly (actually I made Kent, he washed my tummy like it was a Buick). We left that office and a weight was off my shoulders and then the reality of life settled in.

Last week-end I went to Babies R Us, my idea of hell, and registered. My mother came with me and 2 1/2 hours later we left exhausted. I am amazed at the amount of stuff out there and the list that the store gave me as registry necessities. I believe we will be having 3 showers, so I tried to add many things to the registry that were in different price points. I felt embarrassed by the list and it just reminded me of our wedding registry all over again. I know this helps people when they want to purchase you something, but it also made me feel so selfish as well.

Kent and I are in a waiting period right now. Waiting for our home to get finished, but that won't happen until September. Waiting for the baby, and that doesn't happen until October. I'm blessed beyond belief and looking forward to settling in this summer and nesting with Kent.

I'm married and pregnant....

I have been unable to get into my computer recently to download photos that I've been wanting to share of our home and what we have been up to. I'm so tired though and swamped with things. Moving is tough, and then trying to remodel and make your new home a comfy place is not a speedy thing. Kent and I had a family meeting this week and we are both on task, budget and he knows his cutoff is the first part of September.

I can't believe I am 18 weeks pregnant. It is starting to hit me this week, the realization of what is happening. I have felt the baby move and it bizarre and comforting at the same time. It's like a little flutter in my lower abdomen and it makes me tear up just thinking about it. I think the move has been stressful and the pregnancy is not on our minds. This wake up call from our little nugget though has propelled me once again into emotional overload and the tears just flow. Today I was walking to the store to get lunch and it just hit me, I'm pregnant, I love my husband, it's sunny out...and I totally started crying. The only thing that jolted me out of this teary state was the two guys who blocked the sidewalk and wouldn't let me pass. Apparently I have nice eyes, and beautiful hair, and "hey baby, can't we just talk." To that I laughed and yelled, "No, I'm married and pregnant," and this just sent me into a laughing fit. They both said, oh, have a nice day.

Happy Friday Everyone!

I'm coming out

Crap, I outed myself at work today and I'm furious at myself. No, I'm not a lesbian, I'm a non-ovulating woman who struggles with baby talk under pressure. Here's the quick and dirty. My boss was discussing with me the trials of the Seattle school district and how he would like to give me some information on picking a house in the right neighborhood, how to change districts etc, if Kent and I were planning on a family someday. I had briefly mentioned a year ago that we wanted a family and we sort of discussed my work schedule and obligations and the flexibility around this. After he made this statement I felt the flush of my face kick in and I was visibly upset. I couldn't come up with a lie about my sudden watery eyes and I'm just pissed. I basically said that we have been trying for awhile and we are having some fertility complications. I explained I was on medication and it is so mood altering that some days I can barely make it to the end without wanting to rip the face off of anyone 10 feet around me. My boss gets this as his family came from the help of science. I feel so upset right now about this, and I don't quite know why. I don't want the poor me look or the next time work is really stressful for it to be thought that it is all in my head (or moods by the drugs) and not the simple fact that I am overwhelmed with work.

I feel sad right now. I haven't thought about babies for several weeks, and it has been awesome. I've been taking care of myself with good food, my vitamins (including daily fish oil) and fitness. I'm excited by all of the plans I have made us for throughout 2010. This planning though is really a precursor to focus on the fact that I am travelling, going to concerts, plays etc to help me get through the months of waiting to see if we are pregnant. It's good to be occupied by something other than my lady business.

Diana Ross...sing it! I'm coming, out...I want the world to know...got to let them know.

You gotta have faith

I've had the strangest feelings over the past few weeks. The sadness has been tough, knowing that my goal of pregnancy this year did not come. It is a weird pain, an aching in my heart and a little aching for Kent too. I have found myself staring out the window at work and looking at the cathedral that is across the street. I was raised Catholic, but I don't attend church and I could tell you very little about the religion. There are a few things that I loved about church though, I loved the signing and saying peace be with you to strangers around.

This April when we were in Vatican City I joked with Kent that I wanted him to pray for smaller thighs for me. I actually said a silent prayer to God, asking him to help me become a mom. I mean can I get any closer to the higher ups within the Catholic world? My entire life I have worried about getting pregnant, I have no idea why. I've always been really overweight and feared nobody would love me enough to marry me. But deep down I've had a suspicion. You don't start your cycle at 10 and have it be crazy forever. I use to joke that I could go through a box of tampons in a year, and I'm not talking Costco size boxes. Friends were envious of my missing cycle, but the envy is over. Now it is more of a pity.

This past week-end I found myself at a house party and I wasn't prepared mentally, the questions about how our marriage was and what we were up to. The prying of personal questions about why things have been hard (I was just too honest, it just came out). I'm not a sweet talker when things are not sweet. I was honest and said we were going through a rough patch with starting a family. But my favorite was the discovery that this bitchy woman that Kent has known since high school, who was married in late September, got knocked up on her honeymoon and was walking around rubbing her belly (which is flatter than a board) and telling everyone her good news. I had not seen her since last Christmas, when she sulked on the sofa because there was no engagement ring on her finger. So when I saw her I naturally said congrats, as in congrats on your wedding, but she patted her flat-ass belly and smiled. France was "good to them." I probably turned white as a ghost and I wanted to scream, "are you F*ing kidding me!" but that is nasty and I am doing my best to combat this negative mind of mine. I know this is rude and selfish, but she is bitchy, down right bitchy, always has been, always will be. Knowing she is going to be someones mom so quickly....ahhh...this is where my faith needs to come in. Faith that Kent and I will continue in a positive way and take care of ourselves. Faith that our dreams will come true, somehow, someway. So we have the next 4-8 weeks of taking care of ourselves and not focusing on TTC. I honestly may find myself on the lawn of that church, saying a little prayer for myself that hopefully someone is listening too.

TGIF

Today I have begun a journey that I hope to continue over the next 4-6 weeks. This is a journey to pick myself off of the "floor" and rediscover who I am. I'm ashamed at the constant neglect of myself and my emotions. Last night I sobbed to Kent, asking him to let me quit my job, as the stress and emotional overload is overwhelming. Knowing that is not an option for many reasons I've realized that I can either wallow in pity and continue falling further and further, or I can reach out for help and reach within myself as well.

Yesterday my BFF Susan was reminding me of how every goal I have wanted I have achieved. We've known each other for many years. She and I met while I worked at the Westin hotel and I was finishing up at the UW. She has watched me graduate, conquer weight loss and fitness goals of 1/2 marathons and triathlons and truly test myself to the maximum by allowing myself to find the courage to date which ultimately allowed me to meet and marry the most incredible man. Since we have been married though I have had a secret underlying fear of infertility. I have known that I have PCOS and that this is the leading cause of infertility. Being that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would find the courage to allow someone to love me, I was not worried about the pregnancy thing. My marriage is wonderful, but this fear of infertility is robbing it of the joy that was once there.

Today I found myself reading a book that I have had on my shelf for quite some time. It is a book about one's emotions and how much of a prisoner we are within ourselves. I've combated years of not feeling worthy, regardless of the relentless pursuit I put towards things. I'm a 100% or nothing kind of lady. This is not life though, this is a death sentence as I can not be perfect all the time. The quote that really stuck out for me was referring to emotional freedom and how we can view our emotions and the stronghold they have on us. "To make this a reality (emotional freedom) you must begin to see each event of your life, uplifting or hurtful, earthshaking or mundane, as a chance to grow stronger, smarter, more light-bearing. But here's where many of us hit a wall. We're ashamed of feeling afraid, inadequate, lonely, as if we've failed or done something wrong. No matter what you've experienced, there is always hope for change and healing. It's a miracle within reach. Don't be afraid to want it."

For some reason that is just resonating with me. I'm so angered and feel robbed by infertility and the medications I need to combat that problem. I'm afraid all the time. I'm pushing my fear and sadness down with foods that do more harm than good. I've lost that spirit within myself that is always a show stopper (I'm great in a crowd). I have gratitude though that I am able to see the good in life, the good in my friends and I have never faltered on finding joy for others and their successes. I'm a cheerleader, a really big boned cheerleader for the world who is struggling to find a hoorah.

My TGIF for today is to myself, for finding the courage to come to work after a hallacious week and for taking a small step forward to that woman I use to be. She is surely not lost, she is just a bit cloudy.

"When it looked like the sun wasn't gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds." Dr. Maya Angelou

When life hands you lemons...

This past week, actually couple of weeks have been difficult. My left ovary has been the only one that has really done anything...produced a large enough follicle with the potential to ovulate. This past month I did not ovulate, but I have been crampy and really uncomfortable at times. I finally decided to face the music and had an ultrasound today that confirmed my suspicions...a cyst larger than a lemon in my left ovary. Damn it! I'm frustrated as it stops the TTC for as long as it is there and it gets in the way of my exercise. My trainer is really frustrated with me and this is just another log on the fire of excuses that is flaming out of control. I was so proud of myself this past week-end as I was feeling optimistic about getting control of my body, and hopefully my mind and my emotions.

I remember when I first started writing this blog. I was going to talk about my life and what is rambling inside this brain of mind. In no way did I think this crap I've been talking about for the past 6 months was going to be part of my vocabulary. I felt so sad today when I called Kent and told him about the cyst and how everything is on hold until it goes away. I feel bad that I am the one with problems. It is humbling at times and it is also a slap in the face. I'm doing my best to take everything one day at a time. Knowing that I have the next 6 weeks off from TTC and that I will be drug free is a pleasant thought. I plan to take this time off to my advantage. I'm embarrassed at how much weight I have gained...25 pounds. It is so hard for me to lose weight and to know that I have just slid further and further every month is so sad. Today is not about a pity party, it more of a very rude awakening.

Positve direction

Happy Monday. I'm super sick right now, but I see the end is near and a few new positive hopes in our sights. This past week I went to a nutritionist with the hopes that I could get some new information to help me combat these 20 (jesus christ) pounds that I have put on this year. One hour later, probably $200 out the door, I learned something that I needed to discover this way...I am pretty damn smart when it comes to nutrition and my body. This doesn't mean that I am always making the right decisions, but I literally left this hour long consultation with nothing. Who in the hell doesn't know that a balanced snack like a string cheese and 5 almonds is a good idea. I left pissed and on the next hunt. A few days later, I totally scored. Through two different doctors I was able to get in touch with a nutritionist who lives in Arizona and her speciality is PCOS; not just a little dabble here and there; her passion is PCOS and helping women through the difficulties that come with this. I am jacked! Honestly, I think this is seriously good news. She gets the insulin component and she will help me with weekly meetings. I'm having my first conference call with her on Wed. I know that only a few people read this blog, but for any PCOS peeps out there she has a blog www.incyst.com.

Today Kent and I also had a follow-up with the RE that I immediately scheduled after finding out we failed this cycle in ovulating. 5 minutes into the conversation I felt my shoulders relax and my tummy calmed down. He apologized for the ARNP making such an off the cuff statement about IVF being our next step. He helped us understand that normally you have 4 successful clomid ovulation cycles and if there is no pregnancy then we move on to another pill, Femera, before we begin injections. IVF and other invasive tests and surgeries are in the far future for now. I am just an almost too be 35 year old woman with PCOS, I just don't ovulate. Everything else looks good so we will continue down this route. When ever my period shows up we will up our cycle of clomid to 150mg (shit) and we will try this two more times. He also didn't think we needed to do the IUI as Kent's junk is awesome. For my peace of mind and a mere $400 I would rather do IUI as it gives us just a little better shot. Oh..and he took me off Metformin! Thank you baby Jesus as my tummy is forever grateful.

So these next few weeks are going to be about relaxing, celebrating with friends and family over the holiday season and beginning a positive journey back into weight loss and taking care of myself. This is the best gift I can give myself right now (that still doesn't mean I don't want that beautiful Navy handbag Kent..hint hint hint). This past week-end we enjoyed our annual "Cousin" holiday dinner with one of Kent's few relatives, his cousin Brian and wife Liz. Our outing included drinks, dinner, drinks, carousel ride, drinks, more drinks and a nightcap of drinks. Hey...I'm not pregnant yet, so let the holidays be merry and bright!

Unknown Caller

While Kent and I were in Las Vegas for the U2 concert I had many moments that grabbed me and stuck with me. One particular moment was during their song Unknown Caller. There was something about being outdoors, squished into this stadium and having this amazingly large 360 degree screen above my head showing some of these lyrics. Unknown Caller is this really great song on their newest album that I just love. For some reason, this song has stayed with me and is almost on a constant repeat in my mind. Here are a few of the lyrics:

I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all

Go, shout it out, rise up
Oh, oh
Escape yourself and gravity
Hear me, cease to speak that I may speak
Shush now
Oh, oh
Force quit and move to trash

I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me

Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now

The part of the lyrics that has stayed with me is:
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now

On Saturday morning this song was playing in my head as the ultra sound technician told me that my eggs were no larger than a 10. Over and over the lyrics played. Kent and I went home and I tried to take a nap. As I closed my eyes I saw the calendar moving rapidly and started realizing that if we are not pregnant in the next few months, we won't have a baby in 2010. Over and over the lyrics played. Today the 2nd ultrasound showed no growth, even though I had been crampy for the past week. The ARNP told me one more dose of clomid, this time they would try 150mg. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind.

Then I did what I probably shouldn't have. I asked her what happens after this next dose if we don't get pregnant. She took the bait and said IVF. I was startled as I thought that would be the last thing she would tell me. What about all of the injectibles drugs I have heard about, something stronger than clomid. How do I go from something that costs me $800 a month to a procedure that is upwards of $15,000? This seems like telling an overweight person to give up Soda and if they don't reach their goal weight, well than have gastric bypass. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind. Then the tears started, the silent type that just roll down your face. The ARNP became uncomfortable for obvious reasons and then she touched my shoulder and said that it was awkward to see me in the elevator and at Starbucks all the time because she knows how hard we are trying. No shit. I ride up or down the elevator daily with someone from this clinic; just this morning I had the pleasure of riding up with the RE I see. It's either this staff or some pregnant woman.

I feel numb right now. In April my goal was to get pregnant by October so that my baby's first concert would be a U2 show. It is now December and I am meeting with the RE on Monday to make a game plan, one that involves plans I was never prepared for, like IVF. Having PCOS makes pregnancy all together difficult. Once a woman becomes pregnant there is a multitude of higher risks that she faces, like a miscarriage rate of upwards to 30-40%. Many months ago I told myself that I wasn't going to go down the IVF route. I couldn't risk $15,000 a time and potentially lose the baby. I was going to go the adoption route. This decision is something that I figured Kent and I would be forced to deal with in 2011. Like a YEAR from now. We will get through this, somehow we will get through it.

On another side note, my Thanksgiving went well. I made some kick ass recipes. Kent also made me a winter wonderland on our porch with real garland and lights. I love my 7 foot Christmas tree and all of the beautiful ornaments we have bought together. I am having a hard time recognizing the joy of December and the holidays, particularly since I know we are in a tough situation. I am probably going to need to tell my parents, who I don't share very much with. We are a family who does not share. We love each other etc, but we don't share deep, personal things. We don't even use the "L" word.

I just returned from seeing my trainer and I feel better and motivated. I hope anyone out there who is going through the same thing is having more success than I am this month. I'm crossing my fingers for you.

The tears of gratitude

The past few days I have been overcome by emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat. This morning a Folgers holiday commercial set me over the edge. Like sobbing, for an hour with feelings of sadness that my dream of being pregnant in 2009 will more than likely not happen. I did my best to get ready and arrived an hour late for work (good thing I'm the boss). As I enter the elevator 3, yes 3, pregnant women get on with me. We stop off at one of the floors with an OB/GYN clinic on it, two ladies step out, and in a mad commotion a wheel chair flies in with a pregnant woman, her husband and a nurse who are wheeling her to the hospital as her water broke in the office. I explained kindly to them that this elevator was going up, but they were so excited, the husband was on the phone, and I was left in the corner and the stream of tears began again.

On Saturday at 8am I will have an ultrasound to see if any follicles have produced from this round of clomid. With luck we will have an IUI on Sunday morning. I've been diligent about taking my Metformin and I've even found myself saying a few prayers to whoever is listening. I know we have only been trying for 8 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. The holiday traditions of family only elevate my desire to begin my own family.

As I did my best to compose myself at work I decided I needed to make the most of the next few days. I am looking forward to doing the cooking tomorrow and testing out several new recipes. I am still not sure if I will shop on Friday morning as we are not really doing the mad dash present scene this year. Just a few small gifts for everyone. Normally my parents buy my sister and I so many gifts that we literally need to take a break, almost an intermission, during the gift exchange. It will be a nice change this year to try and enjoy one anothers company and not focusing on all of our gifts. Kent and I have also been looking at ways to see our friends this holiday season without spending a fortune.

Here is to hope, gratitude and love for the life I have.

Moving On

This morning my lady business is officially here and I picked up my prescription for 100mg of Clomid and my HCG shot. This will be our 3rd round of clomid, and if all goes well, we will have an IUI Thanksgiving week-end. While I was holding that RX in my hand my first thought was, well here comes the bitch again. I'm so nasty on this drug and emotional. I roll into my office a few minutes later, turn on the computer and ITUNES and the first shuffled song that BLARES out of my speakers is Elton John's The Bitch is Back. I seriously love my life and the fact that I can see humor in everything.

I'm feeling fine today and I'm focusing on what I have and not what I don't. I am trying to find the holiday spirit and my goal is to spread a little joy and happiness this year. Throughout the years presents have been the top priority of the Christmas season. My family shows their love with gifts and a ton of them. I'm over that though and if I want something, I can just buy it myself. So this year I am thinking about thoughtful ways to spread joy and kindness that are not necessarily wrapped up with a bow. Thank you to everyone for their kindness yesterday.

Wordless Wednesday

I love to look at blogs and see the inner workings of those near and far, strangers and friends. On several blogs I've found there are groups/friends who focus on a task for a day of the week. Tuesday's have been titled Self Portrait Tuesday, where one literally takes a self portrait and posts it. Wednesday's have been titled Wordless Wednesday's. I chose Friday's for myself to be TGIF, which was to focus on Gratitude in my life, and not just the gratefulness of the impending week-end.

I suppose this photo is not actually wordless, but unfortunately it has left me a bit quiet today. What I know though is that life is good and someday I will have a different photo to post.

Here's my first post for Wordless Wednesday.

Waiting

Time is a bit of a stand still for Kent and I as we have a day and half until we take a pregnancy test. Only today has this seriously felt like the longest two weeks. Work drags on and on, the days are so dark and dreary. Kent and I have little patience and he has asked me repeatedly why we can't test early. He then references TV commercials and the First Response tests that allow testing 5 days earlier. My first thought is no, the Dr. told me to wait 14 days from IUI. My second thought is that my husband is watching way too much TV. He shouldn't know ads for lady business products.

It's tough when you want to know a secret or if there is a big surprise waiting for you. Sort of like Christmas when you were a kid. I was a mischevious child and use to slit the tape on all of the Christmas gifts under the tree and unwrap them while my parents were at work. It was a bummer Christmas morning, but it was like those wrapped beauties were just calling me while I was watching reruns of the Brady Bunch and eating saltines with butter. Wednesday may not be a gift if we get a negative, but I do know that someday, when I unwrap that stick, I will get exactly what I want.

U2 Part Deux

Upon returning from Las Vegas I found myself at the RE office and one good follicle. The next morning we went in early and Kent made a deposit, we went and had breakfast and then I returned for our first IUI. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but it was quite simple. As the ARNP was inserting Kent's deposit she told me we should have intercourse at 8:30pm that night. I told her that I was going to be rocking out at the U2 show in Vancouver and that there was probably no "place" to make that happen at 8:30pm. She stared at me with a blank face and all I could think was these "professionals" just can't let up somedays. I have run a medical practice for almost 9 years, and medicine need to have humor in it because sometimes thinking about sadness all day long is not good for you or the patient. Chum it up a bit with your patients if the mood calls for it! Anyways, the IUI happened, I hung out for 20 minutes and we headed off to Canada.

The trip to Canada was simple. We started passing the U2 decorated cars and I felt bummed that my Nissan wasn't tricked out in U2 memorabilia. As we prepared to cross the border we found ourselves waiting for entirely too long. The traffic into Vancouver was awful as well. Here I thought we would have several hours to hang out before the show, but of course, my timing is just never that good. We did arrive at our hotel, The Loden and it was awesome. They upgraded us to the most beautiful suite...living room, dining area, bedroom, amazing bathroom etc. It has a killer view and how I love my heated tile floors. These floors are better than ours though as they are individually controlled on and off, not just when the heat is on. I love heated floors like I love heated seats..even in hot weather!

We had a quick drink and bite to eat in the lobby and took the skytrain to the arena. We were sort of dumb and dumber again not knowing exactly where to go.

How I love clean, cool city transportation!

Honestly though, the entire downtown was sold out for this concert and we were able to again just follow the flow of people. We weren't able to hook up with any of our friends who were going to this show, but we did run into my pretend brother David for a moment during intermission.

What I liked about this show was the fact that we had seats, and I could see the entire stage. I actually missed the general admission crowd and vibe until I could see it from above. I can't believe my 5'2" stature survived Las Vegas, what a mess it looked like from above. Our seats were expensive and worth it. The bummer was the sound was a little weird being bounced off the concrete. I look forward to U2 coming to Seattle in June 2010 as they will be playing at Qwest field, an outdoor stadium. This show is meant to be outside for sure!








During the show I started to feel pretty crampy. Then I worried that "everything" was falling out of my uterus so I quit jumping around as much (yes, I'm a jumper and fist in the air U2 fan). Kent told me to quit worrying about this, but it is hard not to. Who knows if the IUI will take, it is only our first attempt. I am doing my best to stay positive, but the waiting is hard. I have been propelled and somewhat pumped up to get myself in a better place, mind..body...and spirit. I have been motivated by fellow bloggers getting pregnant and personal friends taking better care of themselves. I am back on my glucophage, so of course, I am feeling awful. I have to work through these symptoms and I do know that eventually my body will get more accustomed to the drug. I also cleaned out the fridge and pantry and planned our food for the week. Fitness is a priority and Kent and I are working on clearing our calendars to ensure we get some exercise.

Our 2 adventures were amazing and I love my husband for being my partner in crime.

Just a quickie...

I am still on my Las Vegas high from seeing U2. Tomorrow we leave for Vancouver to see them again. I will blog more about the above as it is so worthy of my time and to keep it in the record books. I will say that while we were in Vegas my left side kept hurting and aching. This morning I had an ultrasound and it showed one big follicle in the left ovary (go lefty..again the only one that produces). I took my HCG shot and tomorrow we will have our first IUI. I am a bit anxious about the procedure, but it sounds simple. Here's to IUI and U2.