Torti-what?

The last few weeks have been a definite improvement over January. Healthy meals are on our table, fitness is happening daily, and a happy mommy means a happy family. Kent and I are working better as a team, finding ways that we each can feel supported. I had a minor fit the other evening about my work load and how it felt unbalanced. We are finding ways to remedy that and some of it is also my own doing. I like a clean house, clean like everything in its place before I go to bed. I like to dust weekly. Now that I have less time something has to give. For awhile it was my exercise and my sanity, but not any longer. I'm going to dust every other week! Applause applause. It's almost stupid, but I just like things organized, they make me happy. What really makes me happy though is being healthy, feeling better about myself and spending time with my friends and family. So the swiffer will need to take a back seat.

Kent and I celebrated our birthdays, and mainly his 40th, by having a Wine and Wigs party. This pic pretty much sums up how fabulous it was.


On Friday we took Carter in for his 4 month check up and shots. He was the funniest baby, lying there on that table paper and just kicking the crap out of his legs to make some noise. At that appointment we discovered a few things. He is doing great weight wise, height wise...he is actually long and lean. His chunky parents are so proud. We were shocked by our Doctor telling us to start giving him rice cereal. The latest findings are that the earlier you start feeding your baby, the less chance of allergies. I am going to be honest and say I'm not really ready for that. I feel like we finally have this feeding routine down. We just changed out his nipples for goodness sake. So in the next couple of weeks we are going to try out rice cereal. Then down the road some pureed fruit and vegetables. I still want to try and make some of his food. I wasn't able to breastfeed, so the Mom in me wants to give him the best I can.

Now on to the bad news, or maybe just annoying news. For weeks now I would look at Carter and his head would be tilted. I just figured he was learning how to hold his head up. But he is super stiff in his shoulder and I think this is why he has taken so long to grab on to toys etc that we hold up for him. His Doctor diagnosed him with Torticollis which is basically a stiff neck. We will need to take him to Children's Hospital for physical therapy and stretching. We need to get on this daily to help him or it can get worse. The worst case scenario is he would need surgery to repair his neck. I'm not even going there because we caught this early and the nanny and I are on the same page....get that little nugget some help! I was a little upset about the news, but this is fixable. He will be uncomfortable when we do this, and nobody wants to cause stress or pain to their baby. I hate being stretched so I will sympathise when we do this, but it is a must.

The other bummer is we have to give up the swaddle. He woke himself up almost hourly Saturday and Sunday night as his hands are all over the place, then he starts rubbing his face and the binky falls out. My to-do list is now figuring out a sleeping situation. Carter has been sleeping through the night for months, literally months. Now we are going to have to find a way for him to comfort himself. Generally when I hear the binky fall out (how I can hear this as I don't even use the monitor since he is next door) I run to his room and pop it back in . This might have been a wrong choice. Now that his hands are free he can "eat" them as he doesn't quite get the thumb sucking part. We will get through all of these unknowns, just as we have the previous ones.

Hope

Here it is, the end of 2010 and my final journal entry. It is a ritual of mine and I should be getting my work clothes unpacked and ironed, as sadly I return to work on Monday. Yet this has always been important to me, and baby Carter is sleeping so now is my chance.

I think the word Hope really sums up my 2010. I quickly scanned my posts from this past year, and there were definitely fewer, but so much has happened. My last years recap was not even a recap, it was a goal of hope and to rediscover myself. Even though we had only been trying to get pregnant for 7 months, I felt so sad and lost towards the end of the year. The only thing I knew I was in control of was how to handle the things I truly can control- how I exercised, what we ate, the amount of down time we had and the quality time we spent together as a couple. This was how Kent and I set ourselves up for the start of 2010. We did succeed in this as well. I joined bootcamp, we started looking at vacations and then booked one to Palm Springs. Something crazy happened though, something totally unexpected but completely welcomed, we got pregnant. Everything changed from here. All of those negative thoughts I had about my body were pushed aside and I found the use of hope and a little prayer for the next 8 1/2 months (since we were already almost 7 weeks pregnant before we found out).

In that 8 1/2 months we bought a home, spent the entire time and are STILL renovating it (but it is SO close), and we had a baby. We didn't just have any baby, we had the most perfect baby that was made for us. I will find myself staring at Carter and thinking to myself, I am somebody's mommy. I have never in my life felt this happy, this content. I love to watch Kent play with Carter and to see the joy on my parent's faces. Carter is amazing. He is that baby that we can take out to restaurants, go shopping etc. I know this won't last forever, but we are soaking it up as much as we can.

The past few weeks I have been so sad that I have to go back to work. I would look at the Christmas decorations and just cry as I realized that only one week after Christmas, I would have to leave Carter. Now that I am only a few days away I have had to make some peace with it. I have basically tried to prepare my house, my duties, my life etc for this new change. I know that I must go back to work, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am trying to be positive about it though and see that this will be good for our family. Eventually I know that I would become too antsy to be a stay at home mom. We truly can't afford it and I could feel myself ever so slightly getting frustrated with Kent. Kent is a great help, but when you are on baby duty from 6am to 11:30pm, it can grow a little old. I need a little piece of the day carved out for myself. I'm hoping that work, socializing with co-workers and patients etc will give me a little bit of the "old Lisa" back. I am also only 6 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm looking forward to taking walks on my lunch break and having a little more discipline with my fitness in the evening. I basically am trying to find the "old Lisa" from April 2009. This is when Kent and I were in Italy, and it was the start of trying to get pregnant. This Lisa was healthier, and that is my goal. Plus, little Carter is going to want a little brother or sister, so my goal of weight loss is truly for the sake of getting pregnant again. It scares me to write that, but now that I know we CAN get pregnant, that makes it a lot easier to wrestle with.

My hope is going to carry through to 2011. I'm hopeful that this peaceful mindset that I have will continue. My outlook is so different on life, now that Carter Davis is in this world. Kent and I are still strong as a couple, but it is different. We are a threesome, a fabulous and fun threesome. I pray to myself that whoever is watching out for me continues to watch out for the three of us. I'm hopeful that 2011 will be a year filled with love and good health.

Happiness

For so many years I felt content, sometimes a little sad or worried, but for most of my life I have been content. The biggest struggle I have had is my weight and my acceptance of myself and my body. That has been a major pitfall and the amount of years spent wasted on the hell my bigger body has caused is embarrassing and almost tragic. Something started changing 4 years ago, I started changing. Yes I had lost some weight and found some new motivation in myself. I sort of just stopped "thinking" about everything and starting doing things, making changes. Meeting Kent and then marrying him was the smartest and best decision I have made to date. Last night as Carter was fussing and Kent kept getting out of bed and rocking him to sleep I was struck by how happy I was. My days are limited with Carter and I hanging out at home and that does make me cry, but I know it is going to be OK. What I am so struck by is that my happiness is not centered around a smaller body (I still have quite a bit of weight to lose), it's not about an upcoming vacation or new piece of furniture. My happiness is centered around my family. I love to say that word, my family. I have a family, one I have created myself, not that I was born into. I don't really care about what the fall's latest fashions are, or if I should have highlighted my hair differently or what Anglelina and Brad are up to. What I care about the most is the two men in my life, both who bring me more joy than they know.

Usually around the holidays I get really stressed/upset. This year I have felt so mellow. We have several stops on Christmas Eve and then we will end up at our home with a few friends coming over for dinner. If something happens and nobody can make it, than I am fine with that too. I have everything I need in my home right now, pure love. I swear that Carter knows exactly when he needs to smile, or make a little cooing noise. I love how Kent and Carter are total buddies and make one another laugh. This is what I want for Christmas, my family. I don't really care about the presents, or the decorations. These memories we are creating are by far my favorite thing.

There is something so refreshing for me that I am happy, I am truly happy. I have a hope that is very bright for my future. I am looking forward to getting healthier again and taking a little time for myself. I want Kent and I to both take our health more seriously now that we have Carter and one day more kid(s). I think it is the holidays that make me feel so grateful. I have a healthy family that can afford to pay their bills and put food on the table. I am not really a praying person but I think very kind thoughts for those out there who don't have what I do. I do feel very strongly though that I created this happiness. I was terrified to date and have someone see the real me. Thank goodness I finally changed my mind.

Three weeks and counting....

I can't believe that Carter is 3 1/2 weeks old. His little belly button just fell off last night (thank God...I was so ready to see that little thing gone!), he is so observant and I'm amazed at the strength he has. This time I have had with his has just flown by, but I appreciate it so much. There are times that I find myself holding him, particularly after he has just eaten and he is sleeping in my arms, that I still am in disbelief that this little person is mine. I find myself amazed and at times almost shocked that Carter belongs to Kent and I. Carter is the baby I have always wanted, and it is just really starting to settle in that he is not going anywhere, he is staying with us. This is probably odd to some people, but I really in my heart always feared that I would not be a mom, the thing I wanted the most. One thing that has really helped me get past this fear and shock is to tell him probably 100x a day how much I love him and how excited we are to have him. We have photos of him in our home, I love folding his clothes and I don't even mind the 1am or 4am feedings, but this is my job. Right now I am a stay at home mom, and I am embracing it as much as I can.

This month I am taking a baby massage class that many of my work friends recommended. I laughed at this months ago, but now that Carter is "real" I find myself open to just about anything that might make him happy. I love taking him in the stroller for walks, plus I need to really start losing some weight. One thing that has really bummed me out is that due to the high dose of diuretics that I was on my breast milk is gone, completely gone. I was worried about breastfeeding, like so many women with PCOS, and the combination of the pills and PCOS just sucked it out of me. I cried for a few days about this as I really wanted to experience this with Carter. I did fenugreek, rented a medical grade pump, ate and pumped at the same time and did my best to relax; but it unfortunately did not work. When I tell people that I am not breastfeeding I get really pissed at some of their reactions, like I "chose" to no longer breastfeed. No, I did not choose this. My blood pressure was dangerously high and I had to take care of myself, so that I could take care of Carter. I met with lactation specialists and did everything they could think of so when people make comments to me that almost reference my "giving up" it really pisses me off. Of course with all these hormones in me, that is pretty easy to do (-:

Kent and I also were matched up with a PEPS group that will start in the middle of the month. It is basically 6-8 couples who have infants around the same age as Carter that live within a few miles of us. We meet at one another's homes once a week and basically just hang out with others in very similar situations..brand new babies and no clue what to do with them. I hope we are matched with a group that we can make friends with. I am also looking into a mother's group that meets once a week on Monday's for 8 weeks. I'm not sure about it yet, so will post once I know more. Right now I'm just taking this new role of motherhood very seriously, it is my only job until January 3rd, when I return to work. I've been sensitive about work recently, but I am so excited to say we have found a nanny. I had secured a very good daycare spot after relentless searching but through a friend, I have found a woman who has raised her grandchildren and is only interested in being a nanny to an infant. Her name is Susan and I have known her for several years. She is a very "young" older person who is hip, super savy with kids, and is so excited to be Carter's nanny. Kent and I are excited as well. I love that Susan wants to take him to the library, Gymboree, the zoo, daily walks in Discovery Park and she will even bring him to my work so that I can see him. I love her principles on childcare and I know how much her own grand kids adore her.

This transition into parenthood has been a very smooth one, knock on wood! Kent and I each have different roles, but they fit like puzzle pieces. Due to the fact we are not breastfeeding Kent can actually help out with feedings and he actually changes probably the same amount of diapers that I do. When he gets home from work he is so excited to see Carter. He right away wants to help. I feel so fortunate that my husband is this way. He respects my need to have a few minutes in the evening, as I do his. It really is, so far so good.

The most important post

That might be too dramatic of a title, but honestly, it is how I am feeling right now. It is about 1pm and in 6 hours I am going to check in to the hospital and finally have this baby. Last week we checked in and did the same thing, but after 24 hours and Shim not budging, we went home without my baby in my arms. I cried a few tears as I was getting out of my hospital gown, but I am wise enough to know that if Shim didn't want to come out, and both myself and he/she were fine, than it just was not time. I didn't really have any mind games or doubt about my inability to get this baby moving along and into the world. For once in my life I just took it as it came.

Now that is has been almost a week it is time for us to once again start this process rolling. I told Shim I feel bad that he/she is getting an eviction notice today, but it is time. I feel guilty that I haven't told my family etc, but after what happened last time, we are not telling anyone until things have progressed nicely. My cervix is still super tight and I'm about 1.5centimeters dilated, the same amount I have been for weeks. Tonight we will start some medication and we will continue until Shim and I can work together or we will have a C-section. Either way, I am ready. I am nervous about the process of giving birth, but I know that I can handle this.

So as I am preparing today, I'm finding myself in almost a state of denial. I've been curled up on the couch watching the worst TV ever. Did you know there was a reality show based on Southwest Airlines and their crazy passengers? Who knew, but that crazy drama filled 30 minutes has been cracking me up all day. I really should go and sweep, vacuum the floors and clean the bathrooms, but I would rather be glued to this show to see the drama unfold of missing luggage and missed connections.

In the back of my mind though is the realization of what the nurse said to me yesterday morning. She told me to pack my bag, be at the hospital at 7pm and be prepared to stay until you can take your baby home. Knowing that this is my last day in our home as Kent and I is bizarre. I've been so clingy to him lately, knowing that everything is going to change. Last night we tried to have dinner out and I was just in a tough spot. I didn't feel good and all I could think about was that this was our last night together, without worrying about Shim or finding a babysitter.

What I do know is what an awesome dad Kent is going to be. I can see the excitement on his face about what we are embarking on together, parenthood. We are filled with joy and anxiety. We are also such a good team that I feel as if we will be able to conquer anything. I feel confident in about abilities to lean on one another and to get help when we need it. We have similar ideals regarding the bringing up of of little one and where our priorities/goals lie. We both want more for Shim than we want for ourselves. Yet, we want Shim to understand the value of hard work, the value of kindness and gratitude.

Whoever we meet in the next few days, we wish for he/she to be healthy and prepared for a life full of opportunity and love.


I remember when we were having a wedding photos taken and this cute couple was crossing the bridge we were on. Our photographer Yvonne thought this was a sign of things to come. Soon we will be strolling with Shim in our stroller!

My wishes and dreams

I'm sitting here at work today, 35 years old and ready to have my first child anytime now. I have been busily getting my house unpacked, remodeled and prepared for Shim's arrival. Last night I went through a box of old photo albums from many, many years ago...college days, late 20's up until the present day. I looked at these photos, especially those from my early 20's with amazement. In these photos was a girl who had dreams of having a husband and a family. Of course I wanted to have a career, to travel, to be skinny and beautiful and wealthy, but secretly, I wanted to experience love and have a family of my own. As the years passed I held onto my secret dream and watched as friends would get married and start having families. I held my head high, bought a little white dog and named him Frank Kelley, and did the best I could to keep my feet moving in front of the other. Frank and I would take long walks and runs in our neighborhood. I would pass these beautiful homes filled with the image of happiness that I so desperately wanted, kids playing, eating at the dinner table together, watching TV or playing games. Some nights I would just cry a stream of tears as I wondered what would happen in my life. Last night the same tears came about.

I started looking at the early photos of Kent and I and reading the cards Kent has given me throughout the years. I sat there, sobbing and laughing at some of the things Kent has written me in the past 4 years. The first card he gave me was actually attached to a beautiful bouquet of flowers he sent me to my work on our first month anniversary of dating. Kent didn't even really know where I worked, but he googled it, ordered some flowers and then wrote on the card, "Happy one month anniversary. From your man friend Kent. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday, the women in my office in awe as these flowers arrive from a guy who is still just a guy in my life. Kent has always been more than just a guy to me. I knew within the first month of hanging around with him that he was the one, he was going to be the man I marry. My walk down memory lane was so emotional last night, thank God I was by myself as he would have been uncomfortable if I sat there and cried and re-read all his cards.

The cards that started to really bring on the tears were the ones that Kent gave me last summer/fall. The ones of encouragement about how 2010 would be "our" year and all of our "dreams" would come true. Kent never fully came out and said that we would have a baby, but that was what he referenced and what he wanted as well. Now that I have 11 days left until Shim due date I am a mess, a complete wreck. I could complain about the weight gain, swollen feet, uncomfortableness etc. That is not what is making me a mess, what is making me a mess is the sheer joy I feel. Through all of these end of the road pregnancy symptoms I am still processing this event as I know best, with love and joy. I, Lisa, am going to be someones mom soon. That 20 year old girl who would sit in the coffee shops on Capitol Hill in Seattle and journal for hours about what I wanted in life is finally going to get her wish. It is still surreal for me. I am excited, nervous and grateful beyond belief. I don't care any longer that all of the house is not completely remodeled, or that I am not able to be on the go as much any longer. Beautiful shoes and handbags seem like they are so far in my past, even my coveted Louboutin's that Kent bought me as a wedding gift. I'll take a nike running shoe over my Louboutin's if it means that I can carry Shim easier. My life is now wrapped up in my husband and this life inside of me.

Last week-end I cried to Kent that soon we would no longer be Kent and Lisa. I have loved this 4 years together more than I can say and the new change that is around the corner is a dream for both of us. Kent and I have vowed to keep the bond we have towards one another, but I know that Shim is going to need us more than we will need one another. All of those photos around the house of Kent and I will slowly be refilled with a family, our new family. I've been told by many that I am too much of a dreamer, well now I know that dreams can really come true.

Time....

Kent asked me the other night if we had any other stores to go to and I blankly stared at him and said, "the one that sells us more time." It is August 24th and I am frightened that in one week it will be September. I will have essentially one month until Baby Davis comes. Here have been our highs and lows over the past several weeks:

1) Kent has been a rock star and is killing himself to get our home finished. The landscape is complete, I can almost go without shoes on all 4 levels of my house as the chances of nails etc embedding themselves into my foot is almost impossible ( I say almost as I found two strays just hanging out in the carpet outside of my bedroom last night).

2) Kent's rock star status has to be downgraded a little bit as the only way the house is getting complete is that he has totally blown our budget. I don't know by how much, I leave those things for Kent to deal with. I mean when you need a new front door, don't you have to replace every door in the HOUSE so that everything is aligned and structured together? My pretend gay husband with his decorating and spacial qualities will just never understand what a true necessity is when it comes to remodeling a home. I am loving how it turns out and I just hope I can produce enough breast milk as that will seriously have to be the nutrition for the 3 of us!

3) I have had two showers now, both of them quite lovely and overwhelming with gifts. I have been so bad lately about photos, so I only have this one, which shows how crazy and generous my friends and family are.



4) Amidst all of this chaos we have had some tragedy as one of Kent's few relatives was killed in a freak drowning incident. He was a twin, only 19 years old, and it was so sad. We drove to Lincoln City, Oregon and as I sat during this funeral I would look at his parents and my sadness was overwhelming. Shim is sitting inside of me, all cocooned and waiting for his/her big arrival in 6 weeks. I love Shim more than I can say and I cry every time I think of Zach's parents and his twin sister and the sadness they are feeling. Kent's mother is also not doing very well. She suffers from bi-polar/depression/psychosomatic episodes and she is in a little of a zinger right now. It is so difficult and the timing is never good, particularly now. I am not the most reasonable person right now so Kent is really having to work hard right now to keep both me and his mom in the right place.

5) This past week-end we went to our friends Colleen and Trever's wedding. It was a very long day, but we danced and let loose. Kent is such a fun guy, I am so lucky to have him as my partner. I haven't really been taking pregnancy photos as, honestly, some people say they can't tell I am pregnant. When I tell them I am due October 6th they look at me sideways and I just explain that I am a big girl, and when you are big all over, the baby has more room. Here are a few photos from the wedding.





I am in a state of mind right now that is of love and hope. When Shim gives me a good kick, I say hi and tell Shim that I love them very much. When I sit in the nursery, which is so close to being done, I actually tear up a bit with anticipation that someday very soon I will have my little baby in my arms. Since I was a little girl I wanted to be married and a mom more than anything. It was very hard for me to find love, or actually, very hard to allow myself to love and be loved. Kent has brought more to my life than I can possibly explain to people and now, with Shim so close to being born, I am literally brimming with love. I don't know if I have ever been able to say that.

Kent...my superman

I can already hear the groan and know his eyes are rolling as he scans this post. It needs to be a fast one as I am so incredibly behind with work, but honestly, it needs to be said.

Kent is literally my own superman. Somehow he puts up with my constant whining about the uncomfortableness I am experiencing in my belly, the constant nagging of when our house is going to be completed and my fears of motherhood that are continuing to grow. Kent helps me off of the sofa, rubs lotion on my feet, tears down entire bathrooms, rips out carpet, repaints an entire house and still has the desire to discuss the right choice of light fixtures with me, even though at this point I just want a god damn light (-:

Honey as I drove off to work today, there you were, ripping out bushes and preparing for our landscapers to start on Wednesday. Then I know you had more demolition and a trip to the smelly dump. The hallway needs to be drywalled by tomorrow morning and prepped for the tapers arrival at 9am tomorrow. Somehow you are able to still make me laugh, tell me your concerns like, "how are we suppose to know what to do with Shim when we get home," and you are utterly optimistic about how having a family is a blessing and we will continue our date nights and travel love. Oh...and you also own your own business that is totally being randomly audited!

So Superman, thanks for making your Lois Lane so happy, particularly in this sometimes stressful and difficult time! I love you honey!

Happy 2nd Anniversary

I am a little behind in this post, but Kent and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary on Monday. We had wanted to get away for the week-end, but our house is taking over our lives. So we had sort of a "stay-cation." On Saturday we ran a couple of errands and then we drove to a small town called La Conner and had lunch and browsed the shops. We did get Shim a little frog for him/her to play with some day. I'm starting to wish, just a little, that we knew the sex of the baby. I believe though that this is saving me a ton of money, as I would probably be shopping like mad! After we left La Conner we stopped by ice cream and headed back home. Sunday morning Kent gave me the Petunia Pickle Bottom Diaper bag I have been eyeing. I love it, and he was so funny about it. This might be TMI, but I went to empty by bladder and came back to find the sheets all different. Kent had this under our bed and quickly tried to hide it under the covers. I was upset though because he agreed on no anniversary gifts and he said that this wasn't for our anniversary, it was because he knew I wanted it, even before we were pregnant.



We were both awake at this point so we went and enjoyed breakfast in the sun. We then went our separate ways during the day and then went to our favorite Sicilian restaurant, La Fontana.


We laugh every time we eat here because the waiters remind you 100x that the place is a very authentic Sicilian restaurant. It is totally yummy and we loved sitting outside by the water fountain.





It was so romantic. Kent and I were single for many years before we found one another. We reminisced about our vacations together, our shock of getting pregnant and the overall joy we have for one another. Last year we celebrated our anniversary with Champagne and Jewelry, this year it was water and a diaper bag. I wouldn't change it for the world! Love you honey!

Camping and Pregnancy.....

Camping and Pregnancy is like "chalk and cheese." My British friend Miles uses these lovely analogies that none of us understand. Basically, the two of them don't mix.

I felt nervous on Saturday morning as we were heading to Leavenworth. I'm having a hard time sleeping and the idea of being in a tent on an air mattress suddenly sounded very uncomfortable. When we planned this trip several months ago I was having no issues with being pregnant, I was mobile etc. Now I was finding myself 7 months pregnant and wanting to bail. I didn't though, I persevered, and made the most of it. When we arrived I was instantly attacked by mosquitoes and through a fit. Then I realized I didn't even think about bugs and bug spray and the safety for the baby. I was hungry, tired and being attacked which made me a ton of fun.

We quickly set up camp and made our way to the river for tubing. We arrived to find out we needed reservations and they were full. WTF is what was screaming in my brain. The only fun thing I was look towards this week-end was to float in the water. We waited for 2 hours and eventually we made our way onto the river. Getting into the tube was not the easiest thing as I found myself in a weird position that hurt my belly and back. The water was freezing and moving faster than last year. Within a few minutes I found myself in the brush being poked by sticks and I was pissed. Kent was having a blast and had pre-funked for 2 hours prior to getting on the river. Basically he was loaded and I felt a bit upset that he was to be my protector. I had to cut his ass loose twice as he fell out of his tube and there was no way I was going down with him.

The camping experience is one I do enjoy. I love the campfire, the smore making and seeing the stars. I was a trooper to the extreme as I couldn't get my fat ass out of the camping chairs, getting into a relaxing sleeping position was impossible and there were no tasty beverages I was able to enjoy. I did get to hang out with good friends and I know Kent had a blast. He was making me laugh so hard. It has been a hard few months with the home remodel and this was a great way for him to blow off steam.

28 weeks....

I'm at this weird stage in my pregnancy where I am slowly starting to get tired again and worry. I am 28 weeks pregnant, I just can't believe it. I can still remember that ultrasound technician telling me I was pregnant, it feels like only yesterday. I am trying to combat my fears of childbirth, breastfeeding and the care of "shim" by breathing, reading and researching. Kent and I have started a 6 week course that covers the birth process, breastfeeding and bringing home the baby. I'm hoping that having the information will help the "tears of fear" as I refer to them.

Our first class was Monday and it went fairly well. We did see a live birth and it freaked me out. The video was old, and it was pretty obvious to me that there were no drugs happening for the moms. Plus, the live birth and then the birthing of the placenta was enough to kick my senses in overdrive. I swear to God I didn't know about the majority of what was taught, the length of the birth, the part about waiting a decent amount of time before going to the hospital and the complexity of all of it. I feel confident in our hospital, my doctor and I know that Kent is going to be able to help me get through it. I don't think we will have anyone else in the room, I feel like this has been our journey to get pregnant and the birth is our journey as well. Plus, the messiness of birth is my private business.

Kent and I have been busy on the nursery and it is almost done. He still needs to build a bookshelf, my mobile from Etsy has not arrived yet, nor the glider we are having made. I also haven't done the "organizing" of the closet etc, but we still have time for that. We are using Shim's closet anyways right now as we haven't converted our closet yet. We did have the walls painted, and I can't wait to show it.

We will be having 3 baby showers. One shower is sort of a couple's "drinking" shower, a work shower and then finally a small shower with friends and a few relatives who are in town. The whole shower thing frustrates me as my Mother tends to get involved somehow and piss me off. I didn't invite my 88 year old Grandma to the couple's shower as she is coming to the family shower. Apparently that is really rude of me. I give up. In 2 months this crap will be over with and I can focus on the baby coming, not the drama of the showers. I feel pissed right now that I am even having to focus on this last shower. I wanted to have a few friends over, who haven't seen my house, and a few family members who are in town. My sister is going to help me with it, but frankly, it is not on my list of priorities. Now that my mom and Grandma are upset, I'll have to crank up this simple shower into something else. Argh! I'll only be 37 weeks pregnant when it is happening! Hell I might even have had the baby already (-:

I am a bit of an emotional mess, but everything is actually going quite well. Kent was able to get two of our rooms drywalled and primed. Tonight we will start painting them and carpet will be installed on Tuesday. I hate carpet, but it is our only option right now. That will have our guest room completed and Kent's office. I am so excited to get his office cleaned and organized. I love Kent, but holy hell, is he messy with paperwork sometimes. We are also having some landscape done at the end of next week which will really make the front of the house stand out.

This week-end we are going camping and floating outside of Leavenworth. I'm probably crazy for doing this, but I'm tired of doing house stuff and we are going with two other couples. It should be a fun week-end. Happy Thursday!

Ramblings of a pregnant woman

It's been two weeks since my last post and I'm a bit frustrated by that. I'm starting to get frustrated constantly. I'm tired of working on our house, our money pit of crap that just never seems to turn a corner to having one task done. Kent has been working so hard and I know he is tired of it as well. I almost started crying the other night when I realized we both are so tired at the end of the night that we just go to bed, no chatting, no cuddling, nothing...just fall asleep exhausted. I've had friends say, "when are you going to post pics of your house"? Well...here's why I haven't really posted many......

My house is in a wild heron sanctuary and apparently the last owner felt there was no need to ever trim a tree, I almost couldn't see the house when Kent first took me here.


Last week-end we literally killed ourselves, and my parents trying to trim the trees. This is just a small portion of the pile o' crap that is now my yard.

Look at these lovely bathroom shots that Kent "woo-ed" me with...




Here is where we are now....

Actually, we are a little farther, but you get the point.

Every night I come home, and I honestly run into a pile of this....


There is something about needing to wear shoes in your home for fear of a nail or screw jabbing you in the foot. Everything is dusty and I'm a tidy lady.

Luckily my man feels my pain and does this about 3x a week....



Loads this shit up and takes it to the dump!

Now to be fair, the house is actually looking better than some of these photos. We have been able to paint the entire outside, redo the deck, painted all of the kitchen cabinets and put new nobs on. The electrician is coming next week to do an overhaul and then drywall will go up in the rooms that we tore out paneling. I know my problem is that I see my belly growing more everyday, and I see that due date getting closer and my sense of freedom is dwindling. Kent and I should be trying to have some parties, travel a bit, enjoy our city and friends before our nugget arrives as everything is going to change. We haven't been able to do that though as this house has taken over. I know Kent is "nesting" now though and is really pushing to get everything ready before the baby comes. I love that about him. This week-end I hope to be able to look for curtains, a new coffee table and maybe buy the baby something fun.

Pregnant and Homeless...

This past week I've found myself having vivid dreams, like an affair with Alec Baldwin and another one with just myself and my big pregnant belly in a tank dress on the side of the road eating beef jerky. I haven't told Kent about the second one, but this dream has far more strength in becoming a reality than Alec Baldwin applying lotion to my back (I don't even have a thing for Alec Baldwin, but he can be smug and cocky which has been my thing lately, in my dreams). Our housing dilemma has only continued to rock my very moody soul back and forth lately and I'm at my breaking point. We were suppose to close last Thursday but the banks 2nd home inspector wanted the entire outside of the house painted, an indoor railing made and both decks railings revamped. We found this out last Thursday and all work had to be completed by Monday. That's right, we had 3 full days to do the work of what would take weeks. Thank God Kent is a contractor, because honestly, we would never have been able to find a good contractor and painter in such a short time.

I am furious as we were spending time and serious money on a place that WE DON'T EVEN OWN! The seller refused to pay for these things as it was our problem that the bank wouldn't close, not his. We spent this past week-end pressure washing the entire house, building railings and basically killing ourselves. We have been arguing with one another and it is fear based, worried that we will not have anywhere to live. Our triplex is rented and the new people are slated to arrive with their moving truck in one week. The logical side of me knows that things will work out, but my logic is shot at this point, I'm running on pure fumes and emotions.

So tonight as I lie my head on my pillow I will have sweet dreams of Alec Baldwin and moving to a different zip code, not one where I am in a tank dress eating beef jerky.

Home...do I have one?

Thanks everyone for your kind words about our little blessing. I'm still sick, have to constantly pee and sleep is a struggle. Trying not to complain as we are both still so excited.

One thing we are struggling with right now is our housing. We were set to close on Thursday of this week, but now that could potentially be a week out or longer. Most of the time I wouldn't care, but our new tenants move in to our current home in 2 weeks. Our goal was to get some things fixed up before we move in, but now I don't think it is going to happen. We took a gamble and we lost and I'm totally pissed by the whole situation. I'm more moody than normal and last night I was just out right rude to Kent about our housing situation. I can't really help us move, or paint too much or aggressively clean. So my hands feel tied and I don't like it. I know this whole summer, our last summer without the obligation of kids, is going to spent on that damn house. I love that Kent is a contractor, but his obsession over this home is a tough one. I know eventually it will work out, but right now, I'm not that optimistic!

The Long Overdue Post

All my life people have found solace in confiding to me about their hopes, fears, dreams etc. I have found a way to lock away secrets and keep a cone of silence when required. I'm a little like a professional who offers confidentiality to my clients. I've been holding on to a secret that I have leaked, then freaked out, then buttoned my mouth only to have it snap and my secret leak again. I am pregnant.

It freaks me out to write those words. It freaks me out to even use the word pregnant to describe me. It is a long story and one I have been wanting to share forever, yet I've been wrapped with fear about the pregnancy, the baby, how people will react, especially my friends and fellow bloggers who have suffered for so long as Kent and I have. The best I can do is share my story, as this blog truly was designed as the story of Kent and I.

In late January I found myself scratching my head and wondering why my period had not come. At that point the doctors said no more clomid etc as my left ovary was taken over by a giant cyst. I was told to just go live my life and TTC was off, in the medical sense. I took a pregnancy test on my birthday, it was negative, as I expected and Kent and I went on for the next couple of weeks and had fun, drank up a storm and lived our lives. As I was nearing the 45 day mark I questioned it, took another pregnancy test and it was negative so I started progesterone to get things going. This didn't work and I was getting worried. My main fear was that my cycle was going to start while we were in Palm Springs and I wouldn't have my clomid. Not knowing if my cyst was there still they made me come in for an ultrasound.

The day I went in for the ultrasound I was nervous. I was concerned it had been over 50 days since my last cycle. I, along with my fellow TTC bloggers, see how quickly that calendar moves and I saw my chance of having a baby in 2010 getting smaller and smaller. When the ultrasound technician started the ultrasound she instantly became quiet and started asking me questions. I saw a blob on the screen and I said, "shit, that cyst is still there." She stopped the ultrasound, looked me dead in the eye and said, "no, you are pregnant." I said that was impossible, I wasn't on drugs and I took two pregnancy tests, both were negative. She was very firm, pleasant though, and said I was pregnant and that I probably had a ton of questions. I quickly got dressed and the news flew throughout the fertility clinic...apparently I had a new condition, spontaneous pregnancy.

As I was sitting there waiting for the doctor I immediately started to panic. I had been drinking up a storm (lots of fun events) and because I hurt my sciatica I had been on vicodin, percocet etc. I sat there, fumbling with these pill bottles and then the tears started coming. The doctor told me that I had to forget the past, I was almost 6 weeks pregnant and you now make choices that are correct with the info I have now.

I left the fertility clinic, went up 3 floors to my office, and freaked out. I called Kent and started screaming at him to get somewhere private that he could hear me (he's a contractor) and there was no lovely dovey, I told it like it was, "Kent, I'm fucking pregnant." It didn't even phase him. He said the second pregnancy test looked like it had a faint line (he pulled it from the trash, GROSS!!) He was of course very excited, but I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, and I had a staff meeting to run in 20 minutes. Later that night when we finally were able to see each other there were some tears and utter disbelief. Kent then gave me a present. I opened it up and was reminded of what a thoughtful man he is. When we started TTC I had two baby showers to go to. I started feeling sad for myself and I loved the A,B,C painted blocks that I had bought a friend. Kent went back to the store the next day and bought them for us, to put in our future baby's room. He has been holding on to them for over a year and was so excited to give them to me.

Now we are sitting here at week 14 and feeling pretty optimistic. I'm not going to say that for the first month I wasn't afraid to pee, sneeze, cough or laugh. I was terrified, but as I am finally coming clean about our good news, I'm beginning to get use to the idea of being pregnant and what our futures holds. In about 3 weeks I will have my second big ultrasound that will confirm any abnormalities etc. I tell my baby everyday that we are good and that there is nothing to worry about. We are not going to find out the sex, so right now I just have a little nugget that I am going to love the crap out of.


Ultrasound taken about 2 weeks ago

Easter throughout the years....

When I was younger my Mother always dressed my sister up in white dresses, patent leather shoes and a handbag of our choice. We were accessorized head to toe for our trip to church and then to the Easter egg hunt at my Grandma June's. As the years have passed there is no longer a trip to church, or Grandmas, or white dresses; but there is still an Easter egg hunt. It's embarrassing, but it is a competition that I still love to this day.

My mother loves the holidays, she loves to spoil us. She grew up with 10 brothers and sisters and poor as dirt. Her family is a tough bunch of peeps but through all their drama, they are still family. Her goal seems to spoil us to the core and it continues into my 35th year of life. At Easter she still buys plastic eggs and fills them, not with candy, but money. This started about 6 years ago and we were shocked to find $5, $10 and $20 bills scattered around the house. My favorite hunt was one a few years ago that we just picked from a basket because she had her eyelids done two days prior to Easter and she couldn't see. She wore these pink sparkly sunglasses at dinner and I kept calling her Stevie Wonder. That Easter Kent and I killed my sister, of the 3 eggs she picked 2 were total duds, nothing in them. Apparently my sister has been buttering my mom up for Sunday's hunt and asking what colors have the most money. Kent and I are like an Amazing Race team in my parents Puyallup House. We can spot a clue box in a flash. I plan on kicking serious butt on Sunday.

Tonight I am taking Kent to see Hot Tub Time Machine, my expectations are low and I am sure we will still have fun. Then Saturday, if the movie is a bust, I am going to get back at Kent by making him join me for a live performance of Garrison Keillor's A Prairie Home Companion. I am jacked. His voice is totally calming and I love the fictitious town of Lake Wobegon that he tells stories of. NPR is not something I find myself listening to often. My ultimate favorite show though is This American Life. For any of you out there who need an hour every once in awhile to tune out, these shows literally can take you into another world.

A long road ahead of us...

I have always been a realistic person about things that I save, things I donate or throw away. I love shows like Clean Sweep and Hoarders, with the massive amounts of chaos that others live in, which makes me welcome my ability to see things as "things" and what are cherished items. We are working our way closer and closer to the closing date on our new home. With this process of moving also comes the process of renting out our unit in the Triplex so I will have strangers in the house and I don't want it too messy for fear they will think the place/closets/storage is not enough. I've been tired and sick lately so last night we finally began packing.

Kent and I have different philosophies on stuff. He has a need for everything, a purpose that only he can see. I think of the multi-functionality of stuff, yet Kent only needs one function for something. Two years ago we went to Jazz Fest in New Orleans and my Dad rented us a limo that was decked out in beads, beer coozies (no clue how to spell) etc. When we came back home they went into Kent's closet and have stayed in the same spot for almost exactly two years. My brain instantly saw this crap, eh hem, stuff last night and thought, yes, that will go in our trash or donation pile. What must I have been thinking. Those beer condoms will be perfect for sitting out on our new deck in the summer on furniture we have yet to purchase. We started looking in kitchen drawers and I pulled out this weird ghetto beaker measuring thing that Kent bought at IKEA years before I met him. I put it in the donation pile and he saw that and was like, Woah, what are you doing! This is what I use to measure my water for oatmeal. Let me tell you something about Kent's eating habits, he eats the same thing everyday and in no sense of breakfast has Oatmeal been on the menu.

I believe the next month will be a battle of the wills and stuff. I can see the tent in our yard if Clean Sweep showed up and our keep pile is going to be enormous. I believe Kent sees this new house with 2700 square feet, compared to our 1100 we are living in as a mecca for buying and storing things. I'm welcoming the idea of not being so stuffed to the gills. His constant answer about crap I hate is that it is going in his office. His office is so small that I question how the furniture will go in there.

Oh...my TGIF for this week, maybe even this month, will be a way to see through all of Kent's collections and the reward he will receive when 1 percent of his stuff is donated or thrown out.

A place to call home

Kent and I have been on the hunt for the past month now for a new home. We've toyed back and forth with renting or buying. We have a great Triplex that we are going to keep, but it is too small and we are ready for a change. The market we are in financially is not as high as I would like it to be, but we already have another mortgage and I'm not in the mood to be house poor. It sucks when you have a great kitchen but you are too poor to buy food, or make cocktails for friends.

Last night we went and looked at a place in Magnolia. It is WAY overpriced, the owner is smoking crack if he actually thinks he will get full price. The place is more of a modern home, built in the the 50's and maybe reno'd in the last 70's. What does that mean...green olive sinks and toilet. Gross. But what I love about that man of mine is he knows how to swing a hammer. $20,000 later I will have a better bedroom and bathroom. Not sure where the $20,000 will come from, but something will happen.

We haven't officially sent a price offer over to the agent. Kent was up early, which is shocking, and processing the decision etc. I am actually OK with the fact that this house has major potential and I think we could be happy there. Plus there's a place to hang a jacket AND there is a god damn built-in blender in the kitchen. My margaritaville blender may not need to make an appearance this summer. I kept thinking there might be built in ash trays everywhere too (thank god that didn't surface). We always planned on updating any bathroom and kitchen of the house we moved into. I get that if we move into this joint I will live in dust for months, potentially years. But it will be our hard labored dust, and eventually it will settle.

Why my husband should put me on wife swap

This past week-end was a fun one. We started with Friday night going to see Kathy Griffin at the Paramount with my sister. First of all, I'm a cusser and it just comes out. But I can not hold 10 seconds to that woman's mouth. When she came out people were literally freaking out; jumping out of their seats and screaming. I had no idea her following was so extreme. Her pop culture stories and celebrity sightings are quite funny. We laughed and laughed. Then Saturday morning came.

Several weeks ago I signed up for a 3 hour yoga fertility workshop that had a single or couples option. I asked (told) Kent that he was doing it with me and that it would be good for both of us. I'm a basket case at times with work and the unknown that is called life. As we were getting ready to leave Kent started questioning my choice. Of course I was pissed and told him to not come. He kept asking me if he was going to be the only guy. I explained I couldn't say yes or no, but that I would go by myself. I'm such a guilt trip of a wife at times! Bad Lisa, Bad Lisa! I did think stretching would be helpful for him as well, but holy shit, who knew what I signed us up for.

First of all it was in the University District and in an old church that was totally in disrepair (AKA gross). Fine, I'll get all Buddha like and kumbayaish, but really, it grossed me out and it smelt like feet. When we walked in I knew I was f*cked, Kent was going to kill me. It was 3 other ladies and us. We sat in a circle and we shared things...like our names and where we were in our cycle! WTF! I would NEVER have brought him with me, I mean seriously. If you are going to have open conversations and talk about if you are on your period with strangers, you might want to separate the girls from the boys, the vaginas from the penises. Sheesh! I introduced myself as Lisa, the woman who brought her poor husband who was going to kill afterwards. Since Kent's period just isn't a problem, he became a floater, he could choose his poses at free will. Kent kept looking at the clock, and me, and I knew what he was thinking. There were a few poses that we did together and Kent made it aware of his feelings as his elbows were grinding into my back.

I totally laugh now when I think about this. Kent talking about how he doesn't have a period, our laughing too often (the silent type though, the one where your body just shakes). It was a bonding experience and I love him more and more everyday as we are figuring out what is going to be best for us and this fertility adventure. My business is so frickin' late, but I'm not pregnant. I started progesterone to hopefully help it get moving.

On Saturday night Kent was able to get revenge back on me as we went to a 100th celebration of his DKE fraternity. We did get all dressed up and looked great.

I know 2 other ladies so they were my posse.

Deidre and Tara to my rescue!
There was some dancing, some drinking and an after party.


The major party foul for me though was my desire to eat at 2am and the only option was Taco Bell. I don't think I have "ran for the border" since 1997. Now I know why. I was so damn sick the next day and I know it was from whatever I consumed at 2am and not the wine. Baby Jesus please help me to remember this bad, bad choice so that I never make it again.

Best looking guy in the drive thru!

Birthdays and Life...

TGIF everyone! I mean seriously, what a crazy emotional week. That is just life though and trust me, I am full of emotions!

Last Sunday Kent and I celebrated our 39th and 35th birthdays. In the past we have had blowouts which has included appearances by a Neil Diamond impersonator (who also shares our birthday)
He was the WORST impersonator, which made is all that better. (YIKES...look at my boobs in this shot!)

Back to the current year. Since we are going to Palm Springs in two weeks we didn't travel anywhere, we did a one day stay-cation. I sent Kent an evite a few weeks ago and he was so excited when he opened it, but then realized he was the only person invited. Kent loves a party, but his muffin just didn't want it this year. Next year..when he turns 40, a blowout for sure. I really wanted to just spend the day with Kent and do some fun things that were all a surprise to him. We started with brunch at Cafe Campagne in the market. If it wasn't so packed I would have taken a photo of my croque monsieur which can literally bring a tear to my eye it is so delicious. We had mimosas and frites and loved that it was semi-sunny.


After brunch we went over to Sur La Table, my form of porn, even though I am packed to the gills with kitchen items and I am only a mediocre cook. Kent can not pass up a sale so a newly coveted cheese plate was mine. Upon leaving Sur La Table we ventured on down to the SAM (Seattle Art Museum) for the Michelangelo drawings exhibit and an awesome exhibit of Alexander Calder, who does amazing mobiles. When we were in Venice and went to the Peggy Guggenheim museum she had several of his pieces that were hung throughout her house. Kent was excited to go the museum and we spent about 2 hours there.

After we left the museum we walked across the street to the Four Seasons and went to the Art Bar. I had the delicious dill martini (sounds gross, but quite refreshing) and Kent had a beer.

This was sort of our relaxing and recooperating spot as we then ventured on to Spa de Lago for mani-pedi's. I know what you might be thinking, but it is my birthday too. My girlfriend Susan gave me a certificate there and I really wanted to pamper myself. I had Fran's chocolates and champagne ready so Kent couldn't complain.


The lady who worked over his feet was a riot. When she started doing his treatment I looked at her and said, "the lady who does his feet normally is really crappy. Good luck." Her mouth dropped but Kent started laughing because I am the once forced by that cute smile to work on his feet. I hate it, feet gross me out. I love my husband though and I've just realized that when I pull out that pedicure basket of mine, that means a couples pedicure awaits me.

After I had my fabulous appointment with the OPI color "I'm fondue of you" I gathered our things and we were headed to the last planned event. I have been wanting to eat at Delancey's for several months now. It is a husband/wife team who own the place and the wife Molly is a pretty popular blogger, her site is Orangette.blogspot. I love her photos, her recipes and her overall style. I decided to invite a few of Kent's friends to join us, as I know how much he really does like having a birthday together. Delancey's is the type of place that takes reservations for parties of 6 or more. The place is really small and without a reservation, your looking at an hour plus wait. Well word sort of spread that I was doing Delancey's and I suddenly found us with 13 people who wanted to join us. Crap, that is 1/4 of the restaurant. Molly was awesome though and they just rolled with the punches. We had amazing pizza, like I wish it was just Kent and I as I would have eaten ten times more!





As I noticed the line getting longer and longer and longer I knew we had to give up our 2 tables. Most people split except for Monkia and Miles, our fun friends who we spent Christmas Eve with at the drag queen show and NY's Eve at the moisutre festival. They are a riot and we walked across the street to A Caprice Kitchen for dessert. Delicious!

This was the best birthday I have had in a long time. I feel blessed in many ways and look forward to whatever happens in this upcoming year. Of course I want to get pregnant, but I wanted to last year too. Time and crappy drugs will tell!