The most important post

That might be too dramatic of a title, but honestly, it is how I am feeling right now. It is about 1pm and in 6 hours I am going to check in to the hospital and finally have this baby. Last week we checked in and did the same thing, but after 24 hours and Shim not budging, we went home without my baby in my arms. I cried a few tears as I was getting out of my hospital gown, but I am wise enough to know that if Shim didn't want to come out, and both myself and he/she were fine, than it just was not time. I didn't really have any mind games or doubt about my inability to get this baby moving along and into the world. For once in my life I just took it as it came.

Now that is has been almost a week it is time for us to once again start this process rolling. I told Shim I feel bad that he/she is getting an eviction notice today, but it is time. I feel guilty that I haven't told my family etc, but after what happened last time, we are not telling anyone until things have progressed nicely. My cervix is still super tight and I'm about 1.5centimeters dilated, the same amount I have been for weeks. Tonight we will start some medication and we will continue until Shim and I can work together or we will have a C-section. Either way, I am ready. I am nervous about the process of giving birth, but I know that I can handle this.

So as I am preparing today, I'm finding myself in almost a state of denial. I've been curled up on the couch watching the worst TV ever. Did you know there was a reality show based on Southwest Airlines and their crazy passengers? Who knew, but that crazy drama filled 30 minutes has been cracking me up all day. I really should go and sweep, vacuum the floors and clean the bathrooms, but I would rather be glued to this show to see the drama unfold of missing luggage and missed connections.

In the back of my mind though is the realization of what the nurse said to me yesterday morning. She told me to pack my bag, be at the hospital at 7pm and be prepared to stay until you can take your baby home. Knowing that this is my last day in our home as Kent and I is bizarre. I've been so clingy to him lately, knowing that everything is going to change. Last night we tried to have dinner out and I was just in a tough spot. I didn't feel good and all I could think about was that this was our last night together, without worrying about Shim or finding a babysitter.

What I do know is what an awesome dad Kent is going to be. I can see the excitement on his face about what we are embarking on together, parenthood. We are filled with joy and anxiety. We are also such a good team that I feel as if we will be able to conquer anything. I feel confident in about abilities to lean on one another and to get help when we need it. We have similar ideals regarding the bringing up of of little one and where our priorities/goals lie. We both want more for Shim than we want for ourselves. Yet, we want Shim to understand the value of hard work, the value of kindness and gratitude.

Whoever we meet in the next few days, we wish for he/she to be healthy and prepared for a life full of opportunity and love.


I remember when we were having a wedding photos taken and this cute couple was crossing the bridge we were on. Our photographer Yvonne thought this was a sign of things to come. Soon we will be strolling with Shim in our stroller!

My wishes and dreams

I'm sitting here at work today, 35 years old and ready to have my first child anytime now. I have been busily getting my house unpacked, remodeled and prepared for Shim's arrival. Last night I went through a box of old photo albums from many, many years ago...college days, late 20's up until the present day. I looked at these photos, especially those from my early 20's with amazement. In these photos was a girl who had dreams of having a husband and a family. Of course I wanted to have a career, to travel, to be skinny and beautiful and wealthy, but secretly, I wanted to experience love and have a family of my own. As the years passed I held onto my secret dream and watched as friends would get married and start having families. I held my head high, bought a little white dog and named him Frank Kelley, and did the best I could to keep my feet moving in front of the other. Frank and I would take long walks and runs in our neighborhood. I would pass these beautiful homes filled with the image of happiness that I so desperately wanted, kids playing, eating at the dinner table together, watching TV or playing games. Some nights I would just cry a stream of tears as I wondered what would happen in my life. Last night the same tears came about.

I started looking at the early photos of Kent and I and reading the cards Kent has given me throughout the years. I sat there, sobbing and laughing at some of the things Kent has written me in the past 4 years. The first card he gave me was actually attached to a beautiful bouquet of flowers he sent me to my work on our first month anniversary of dating. Kent didn't even really know where I worked, but he googled it, ordered some flowers and then wrote on the card, "Happy one month anniversary. From your man friend Kent. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday, the women in my office in awe as these flowers arrive from a guy who is still just a guy in my life. Kent has always been more than just a guy to me. I knew within the first month of hanging around with him that he was the one, he was going to be the man I marry. My walk down memory lane was so emotional last night, thank God I was by myself as he would have been uncomfortable if I sat there and cried and re-read all his cards.

The cards that started to really bring on the tears were the ones that Kent gave me last summer/fall. The ones of encouragement about how 2010 would be "our" year and all of our "dreams" would come true. Kent never fully came out and said that we would have a baby, but that was what he referenced and what he wanted as well. Now that I have 11 days left until Shim due date I am a mess, a complete wreck. I could complain about the weight gain, swollen feet, uncomfortableness etc. That is not what is making me a mess, what is making me a mess is the sheer joy I feel. Through all of these end of the road pregnancy symptoms I am still processing this event as I know best, with love and joy. I, Lisa, am going to be someones mom soon. That 20 year old girl who would sit in the coffee shops on Capitol Hill in Seattle and journal for hours about what I wanted in life is finally going to get her wish. It is still surreal for me. I am excited, nervous and grateful beyond belief. I don't care any longer that all of the house is not completely remodeled, or that I am not able to be on the go as much any longer. Beautiful shoes and handbags seem like they are so far in my past, even my coveted Louboutin's that Kent bought me as a wedding gift. I'll take a nike running shoe over my Louboutin's if it means that I can carry Shim easier. My life is now wrapped up in my husband and this life inside of me.

Last week-end I cried to Kent that soon we would no longer be Kent and Lisa. I have loved this 4 years together more than I can say and the new change that is around the corner is a dream for both of us. Kent and I have vowed to keep the bond we have towards one another, but I know that Shim is going to need us more than we will need one another. All of those photos around the house of Kent and I will slowly be refilled with a family, our new family. I've been told by many that I am too much of a dreamer, well now I know that dreams can really come true.

Time....

Kent asked me the other night if we had any other stores to go to and I blankly stared at him and said, "the one that sells us more time." It is August 24th and I am frightened that in one week it will be September. I will have essentially one month until Baby Davis comes. Here have been our highs and lows over the past several weeks:

1) Kent has been a rock star and is killing himself to get our home finished. The landscape is complete, I can almost go without shoes on all 4 levels of my house as the chances of nails etc embedding themselves into my foot is almost impossible ( I say almost as I found two strays just hanging out in the carpet outside of my bedroom last night).

2) Kent's rock star status has to be downgraded a little bit as the only way the house is getting complete is that he has totally blown our budget. I don't know by how much, I leave those things for Kent to deal with. I mean when you need a new front door, don't you have to replace every door in the HOUSE so that everything is aligned and structured together? My pretend gay husband with his decorating and spacial qualities will just never understand what a true necessity is when it comes to remodeling a home. I am loving how it turns out and I just hope I can produce enough breast milk as that will seriously have to be the nutrition for the 3 of us!

3) I have had two showers now, both of them quite lovely and overwhelming with gifts. I have been so bad lately about photos, so I only have this one, which shows how crazy and generous my friends and family are.



4) Amidst all of this chaos we have had some tragedy as one of Kent's few relatives was killed in a freak drowning incident. He was a twin, only 19 years old, and it was so sad. We drove to Lincoln City, Oregon and as I sat during this funeral I would look at his parents and my sadness was overwhelming. Shim is sitting inside of me, all cocooned and waiting for his/her big arrival in 6 weeks. I love Shim more than I can say and I cry every time I think of Zach's parents and his twin sister and the sadness they are feeling. Kent's mother is also not doing very well. She suffers from bi-polar/depression/psychosomatic episodes and she is in a little of a zinger right now. It is so difficult and the timing is never good, particularly now. I am not the most reasonable person right now so Kent is really having to work hard right now to keep both me and his mom in the right place.

5) This past week-end we went to our friends Colleen and Trever's wedding. It was a very long day, but we danced and let loose. Kent is such a fun guy, I am so lucky to have him as my partner. I haven't really been taking pregnancy photos as, honestly, some people say they can't tell I am pregnant. When I tell them I am due October 6th they look at me sideways and I just explain that I am a big girl, and when you are big all over, the baby has more room. Here are a few photos from the wedding.





I am in a state of mind right now that is of love and hope. When Shim gives me a good kick, I say hi and tell Shim that I love them very much. When I sit in the nursery, which is so close to being done, I actually tear up a bit with anticipation that someday very soon I will have my little baby in my arms. Since I was a little girl I wanted to be married and a mom more than anything. It was very hard for me to find love, or actually, very hard to allow myself to love and be loved. Kent has brought more to my life than I can possibly explain to people and now, with Shim so close to being born, I am literally brimming with love. I don't know if I have ever been able to say that.

Camping and Pregnancy.....

Camping and Pregnancy is like "chalk and cheese." My British friend Miles uses these lovely analogies that none of us understand. Basically, the two of them don't mix.

I felt nervous on Saturday morning as we were heading to Leavenworth. I'm having a hard time sleeping and the idea of being in a tent on an air mattress suddenly sounded very uncomfortable. When we planned this trip several months ago I was having no issues with being pregnant, I was mobile etc. Now I was finding myself 7 months pregnant and wanting to bail. I didn't though, I persevered, and made the most of it. When we arrived I was instantly attacked by mosquitoes and through a fit. Then I realized I didn't even think about bugs and bug spray and the safety for the baby. I was hungry, tired and being attacked which made me a ton of fun.

We quickly set up camp and made our way to the river for tubing. We arrived to find out we needed reservations and they were full. WTF is what was screaming in my brain. The only fun thing I was look towards this week-end was to float in the water. We waited for 2 hours and eventually we made our way onto the river. Getting into the tube was not the easiest thing as I found myself in a weird position that hurt my belly and back. The water was freezing and moving faster than last year. Within a few minutes I found myself in the brush being poked by sticks and I was pissed. Kent was having a blast and had pre-funked for 2 hours prior to getting on the river. Basically he was loaded and I felt a bit upset that he was to be my protector. I had to cut his ass loose twice as he fell out of his tube and there was no way I was going down with him.

The camping experience is one I do enjoy. I love the campfire, the smore making and seeing the stars. I was a trooper to the extreme as I couldn't get my fat ass out of the camping chairs, getting into a relaxing sleeping position was impossible and there were no tasty beverages I was able to enjoy. I did get to hang out with good friends and I know Kent had a blast. He was making me laugh so hard. It has been a hard few months with the home remodel and this was a great way for him to blow off steam.

28 weeks....

I'm at this weird stage in my pregnancy where I am slowly starting to get tired again and worry. I am 28 weeks pregnant, I just can't believe it. I can still remember that ultrasound technician telling me I was pregnant, it feels like only yesterday. I am trying to combat my fears of childbirth, breastfeeding and the care of "shim" by breathing, reading and researching. Kent and I have started a 6 week course that covers the birth process, breastfeeding and bringing home the baby. I'm hoping that having the information will help the "tears of fear" as I refer to them.

Our first class was Monday and it went fairly well. We did see a live birth and it freaked me out. The video was old, and it was pretty obvious to me that there were no drugs happening for the moms. Plus, the live birth and then the birthing of the placenta was enough to kick my senses in overdrive. I swear to God I didn't know about the majority of what was taught, the length of the birth, the part about waiting a decent amount of time before going to the hospital and the complexity of all of it. I feel confident in our hospital, my doctor and I know that Kent is going to be able to help me get through it. I don't think we will have anyone else in the room, I feel like this has been our journey to get pregnant and the birth is our journey as well. Plus, the messiness of birth is my private business.

Kent and I have been busy on the nursery and it is almost done. He still needs to build a bookshelf, my mobile from Etsy has not arrived yet, nor the glider we are having made. I also haven't done the "organizing" of the closet etc, but we still have time for that. We are using Shim's closet anyways right now as we haven't converted our closet yet. We did have the walls painted, and I can't wait to show it.

We will be having 3 baby showers. One shower is sort of a couple's "drinking" shower, a work shower and then finally a small shower with friends and a few relatives who are in town. The whole shower thing frustrates me as my Mother tends to get involved somehow and piss me off. I didn't invite my 88 year old Grandma to the couple's shower as she is coming to the family shower. Apparently that is really rude of me. I give up. In 2 months this crap will be over with and I can focus on the baby coming, not the drama of the showers. I feel pissed right now that I am even having to focus on this last shower. I wanted to have a few friends over, who haven't seen my house, and a few family members who are in town. My sister is going to help me with it, but frankly, it is not on my list of priorities. Now that my mom and Grandma are upset, I'll have to crank up this simple shower into something else. Argh! I'll only be 37 weeks pregnant when it is happening! Hell I might even have had the baby already (-:

I am a bit of an emotional mess, but everything is actually going quite well. Kent was able to get two of our rooms drywalled and primed. Tonight we will start painting them and carpet will be installed on Tuesday. I hate carpet, but it is our only option right now. That will have our guest room completed and Kent's office. I am so excited to get his office cleaned and organized. I love Kent, but holy hell, is he messy with paperwork sometimes. We are also having some landscape done at the end of next week which will really make the front of the house stand out.

This week-end we are going camping and floating outside of Leavenworth. I'm probably crazy for doing this, but I'm tired of doing house stuff and we are going with two other couples. It should be a fun week-end. Happy Thursday!

Why I haven't blogged for so long...

Can you really blame me, looking at this photo of where our home computer is housed? This is the dumpiest level of the house, and one I just bypass as much as possible. The rest of this level is missing electricity, walls, the ceiling and the bathroom will soon have our exposed septic system. It is Ghetto with a capital G and I can't stand being around it. The disorganization makes my skin crawl.

To help alleviate the craziness I told Kent is was time to get started on the baby's room. I ordered our crib and on Father's Day Kent put it together.


I love this crib, I think it looks so cute. We went with a modern style crib, which my mother thinks looks like a prison, but I love it.


The baby's room (Shim's room--our nickname since we don't know if it is a she or a him) has become my new little project. Kent and I both have a passion for art, and we knew right away that we were going to have custom art pieces in the baby's room. Before we were pregnant we had purchased one piece of art that is just perfect.


I told Kent though that this had to be the last art we purchased until we were definitely pregnant. It took some time but now that we are 25 weeks pregnant, I feel better about buying these things for the room. Our latest purchase was a custom piece by a local artist, Matthew Porter, who does these monkey drawings that I love. He does super hero monkeys, artist monkeys, and my favorite, rock and roll monkeys. I knew I needed a Bono Monkey, and I contacted Matthew to make us one. I picked it up last night and here it is (sort of hard to capture due to the flash).


It turned out exactly like I hoped. This week-end I am working on the curtains and the crib skirt arrived today at work. It is all starting to come together, even if the rest of my house is in total shambles. Shim's room is right next door to our bedroom, and every night before I go to bed I walk in here and see nothing but happiness.

Ramblings of a pregnant woman

It's been two weeks since my last post and I'm a bit frustrated by that. I'm starting to get frustrated constantly. I'm tired of working on our house, our money pit of crap that just never seems to turn a corner to having one task done. Kent has been working so hard and I know he is tired of it as well. I almost started crying the other night when I realized we both are so tired at the end of the night that we just go to bed, no chatting, no cuddling, nothing...just fall asleep exhausted. I've had friends say, "when are you going to post pics of your house"? Well...here's why I haven't really posted many......

My house is in a wild heron sanctuary and apparently the last owner felt there was no need to ever trim a tree, I almost couldn't see the house when Kent first took me here.


Last week-end we literally killed ourselves, and my parents trying to trim the trees. This is just a small portion of the pile o' crap that is now my yard.

Look at these lovely bathroom shots that Kent "woo-ed" me with...




Here is where we are now....

Actually, we are a little farther, but you get the point.

Every night I come home, and I honestly run into a pile of this....


There is something about needing to wear shoes in your home for fear of a nail or screw jabbing you in the foot. Everything is dusty and I'm a tidy lady.

Luckily my man feels my pain and does this about 3x a week....



Loads this shit up and takes it to the dump!

Now to be fair, the house is actually looking better than some of these photos. We have been able to paint the entire outside, redo the deck, painted all of the kitchen cabinets and put new nobs on. The electrician is coming next week to do an overhaul and then drywall will go up in the rooms that we tore out paneling. I know my problem is that I see my belly growing more everyday, and I see that due date getting closer and my sense of freedom is dwindling. Kent and I should be trying to have some parties, travel a bit, enjoy our city and friends before our nugget arrives as everything is going to change. We haven't been able to do that though as this house has taken over. I know Kent is "nesting" now though and is really pushing to get everything ready before the baby comes. I love that about him. This week-end I hope to be able to look for curtains, a new coffee table and maybe buy the baby something fun.

Pregnant and Homeless...

This past week I've found myself having vivid dreams, like an affair with Alec Baldwin and another one with just myself and my big pregnant belly in a tank dress on the side of the road eating beef jerky. I haven't told Kent about the second one, but this dream has far more strength in becoming a reality than Alec Baldwin applying lotion to my back (I don't even have a thing for Alec Baldwin, but he can be smug and cocky which has been my thing lately, in my dreams). Our housing dilemma has only continued to rock my very moody soul back and forth lately and I'm at my breaking point. We were suppose to close last Thursday but the banks 2nd home inspector wanted the entire outside of the house painted, an indoor railing made and both decks railings revamped. We found this out last Thursday and all work had to be completed by Monday. That's right, we had 3 full days to do the work of what would take weeks. Thank God Kent is a contractor, because honestly, we would never have been able to find a good contractor and painter in such a short time.

I am furious as we were spending time and serious money on a place that WE DON'T EVEN OWN! The seller refused to pay for these things as it was our problem that the bank wouldn't close, not his. We spent this past week-end pressure washing the entire house, building railings and basically killing ourselves. We have been arguing with one another and it is fear based, worried that we will not have anywhere to live. Our triplex is rented and the new people are slated to arrive with their moving truck in one week. The logical side of me knows that things will work out, but my logic is shot at this point, I'm running on pure fumes and emotions.

So tonight as I lie my head on my pillow I will have sweet dreams of Alec Baldwin and moving to a different zip code, not one where I am in a tank dress eating beef jerky.

The Long Overdue Post

All my life people have found solace in confiding to me about their hopes, fears, dreams etc. I have found a way to lock away secrets and keep a cone of silence when required. I'm a little like a professional who offers confidentiality to my clients. I've been holding on to a secret that I have leaked, then freaked out, then buttoned my mouth only to have it snap and my secret leak again. I am pregnant.

It freaks me out to write those words. It freaks me out to even use the word pregnant to describe me. It is a long story and one I have been wanting to share forever, yet I've been wrapped with fear about the pregnancy, the baby, how people will react, especially my friends and fellow bloggers who have suffered for so long as Kent and I have. The best I can do is share my story, as this blog truly was designed as the story of Kent and I.

In late January I found myself scratching my head and wondering why my period had not come. At that point the doctors said no more clomid etc as my left ovary was taken over by a giant cyst. I was told to just go live my life and TTC was off, in the medical sense. I took a pregnancy test on my birthday, it was negative, as I expected and Kent and I went on for the next couple of weeks and had fun, drank up a storm and lived our lives. As I was nearing the 45 day mark I questioned it, took another pregnancy test and it was negative so I started progesterone to get things going. This didn't work and I was getting worried. My main fear was that my cycle was going to start while we were in Palm Springs and I wouldn't have my clomid. Not knowing if my cyst was there still they made me come in for an ultrasound.

The day I went in for the ultrasound I was nervous. I was concerned it had been over 50 days since my last cycle. I, along with my fellow TTC bloggers, see how quickly that calendar moves and I saw my chance of having a baby in 2010 getting smaller and smaller. When the ultrasound technician started the ultrasound she instantly became quiet and started asking me questions. I saw a blob on the screen and I said, "shit, that cyst is still there." She stopped the ultrasound, looked me dead in the eye and said, "no, you are pregnant." I said that was impossible, I wasn't on drugs and I took two pregnancy tests, both were negative. She was very firm, pleasant though, and said I was pregnant and that I probably had a ton of questions. I quickly got dressed and the news flew throughout the fertility clinic...apparently I had a new condition, spontaneous pregnancy.

As I was sitting there waiting for the doctor I immediately started to panic. I had been drinking up a storm (lots of fun events) and because I hurt my sciatica I had been on vicodin, percocet etc. I sat there, fumbling with these pill bottles and then the tears started coming. The doctor told me that I had to forget the past, I was almost 6 weeks pregnant and you now make choices that are correct with the info I have now.

I left the fertility clinic, went up 3 floors to my office, and freaked out. I called Kent and started screaming at him to get somewhere private that he could hear me (he's a contractor) and there was no lovely dovey, I told it like it was, "Kent, I'm fucking pregnant." It didn't even phase him. He said the second pregnancy test looked like it had a faint line (he pulled it from the trash, GROSS!!) He was of course very excited, but I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, and I had a staff meeting to run in 20 minutes. Later that night when we finally were able to see each other there were some tears and utter disbelief. Kent then gave me a present. I opened it up and was reminded of what a thoughtful man he is. When we started TTC I had two baby showers to go to. I started feeling sad for myself and I loved the A,B,C painted blocks that I had bought a friend. Kent went back to the store the next day and bought them for us, to put in our future baby's room. He has been holding on to them for over a year and was so excited to give them to me.

Now we are sitting here at week 14 and feeling pretty optimistic. I'm not going to say that for the first month I wasn't afraid to pee, sneeze, cough or laugh. I was terrified, but as I am finally coming clean about our good news, I'm beginning to get use to the idea of being pregnant and what our futures holds. In about 3 weeks I will have my second big ultrasound that will confirm any abnormalities etc. I tell my baby everyday that we are good and that there is nothing to worry about. We are not going to find out the sex, so right now I just have a little nugget that I am going to love the crap out of.


Ultrasound taken about 2 weeks ago