Here it is, the end of 2010 and my final journal entry. It is a ritual of mine and I should be getting my work clothes unpacked and ironed, as sadly I return to work on Monday. Yet this has always been important to me, and baby Carter is sleeping so now is my chance.
I think the word Hope really sums up my 2010. I quickly scanned my posts from this past year, and there were definitely fewer, but so much has happened. My last years recap was not even a recap, it was a goal of hope and to rediscover myself. Even though we had only been trying to get pregnant for 7 months, I felt so sad and lost towards the end of the year. The only thing I knew I was in control of was how to handle the things I truly can control- how I exercised, what we ate, the amount of down time we had and the quality time we spent together as a couple. This was how Kent and I set ourselves up for the start of 2010. We did succeed in this as well. I joined bootcamp, we started looking at vacations and then booked one to Palm Springs. Something crazy happened though, something totally unexpected but completely welcomed, we got pregnant. Everything changed from here. All of those negative thoughts I had about my body were pushed aside and I found the use of hope and a little prayer for the next 8 1/2 months (since we were already almost 7 weeks pregnant before we found out).
In that 8 1/2 months we bought a home, spent the entire time and are STILL renovating it (but it is SO close), and we had a baby. We didn't just have any baby, we had the most perfect baby that was made for us. I will find myself staring at Carter and thinking to myself, I am somebody's mommy. I have never in my life felt this happy, this content. I love to watch Kent play with Carter and to see the joy on my parent's faces. Carter is amazing. He is that baby that we can take out to restaurants, go shopping etc. I know this won't last forever, but we are soaking it up as much as we can.
The past few weeks I have been so sad that I have to go back to work. I would look at the Christmas decorations and just cry as I realized that only one week after Christmas, I would have to leave Carter. Now that I am only a few days away I have had to make some peace with it. I have basically tried to prepare my house, my duties, my life etc for this new change. I know that I must go back to work, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am trying to be positive about it though and see that this will be good for our family. Eventually I know that I would become too antsy to be a stay at home mom. We truly can't afford it and I could feel myself ever so slightly getting frustrated with Kent. Kent is a great help, but when you are on baby duty from 6am to 11:30pm, it can grow a little old. I need a little piece of the day carved out for myself. I'm hoping that work, socializing with co-workers and patients etc will give me a little bit of the "old Lisa" back. I am also only 6 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm looking forward to taking walks on my lunch break and having a little more discipline with my fitness in the evening. I basically am trying to find the "old Lisa" from April 2009. This is when Kent and I were in Italy, and it was the start of trying to get pregnant. This Lisa was healthier, and that is my goal. Plus, little Carter is going to want a little brother or sister, so my goal of weight loss is truly for the sake of getting pregnant again. It scares me to write that, but now that I know we CAN get pregnant, that makes it a lot easier to wrestle with.
My hope is going to carry through to 2011. I'm hopeful that this peaceful mindset that I have will continue. My outlook is so different on life, now that Carter Davis is in this world. Kent and I are still strong as a couple, but it is different. We are a threesome, a fabulous and fun threesome. I pray to myself that whoever is watching out for me continues to watch out for the three of us. I'm hopeful that 2011 will be a year filled with love and good health.
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
28 weeks....
I'm at this weird stage in my pregnancy where I am slowly starting to get tired again and worry. I am 28 weeks pregnant, I just can't believe it. I can still remember that ultrasound technician telling me I was pregnant, it feels like only yesterday. I am trying to combat my fears of childbirth, breastfeeding and the care of "shim" by breathing, reading and researching. Kent and I have started a 6 week course that covers the birth process, breastfeeding and bringing home the baby. I'm hoping that having the information will help the "tears of fear" as I refer to them.
Our first class was Monday and it went fairly well. We did see a live birth and it freaked me out. The video was old, and it was pretty obvious to me that there were no drugs happening for the moms. Plus, the live birth and then the birthing of the placenta was enough to kick my senses in overdrive. I swear to God I didn't know about the majority of what was taught, the length of the birth, the part about waiting a decent amount of time before going to the hospital and the complexity of all of it. I feel confident in our hospital, my doctor and I know that Kent is going to be able to help me get through it. I don't think we will have anyone else in the room, I feel like this has been our journey to get pregnant and the birth is our journey as well. Plus, the messiness of birth is my private business.
Kent and I have been busy on the nursery and it is almost done. He still needs to build a bookshelf, my mobile from Etsy has not arrived yet, nor the glider we are having made. I also haven't done the "organizing" of the closet etc, but we still have time for that. We are using Shim's closet anyways right now as we haven't converted our closet yet. We did have the walls painted, and I can't wait to show it.
We will be having 3 baby showers. One shower is sort of a couple's "drinking" shower, a work shower and then finally a small shower with friends and a few relatives who are in town. The whole shower thing frustrates me as my Mother tends to get involved somehow and piss me off. I didn't invite my 88 year old Grandma to the couple's shower as she is coming to the family shower. Apparently that is really rude of me. I give up. In 2 months this crap will be over with and I can focus on the baby coming, not the drama of the showers. I feel pissed right now that I am even having to focus on this last shower. I wanted to have a few friends over, who haven't seen my house, and a few family members who are in town. My sister is going to help me with it, but frankly, it is not on my list of priorities. Now that my mom and Grandma are upset, I'll have to crank up this simple shower into something else. Argh! I'll only be 37 weeks pregnant when it is happening! Hell I might even have had the baby already (-:
I am a bit of an emotional mess, but everything is actually going quite well. Kent was able to get two of our rooms drywalled and primed. Tonight we will start painting them and carpet will be installed on Tuesday. I hate carpet, but it is our only option right now. That will have our guest room completed and Kent's office. I am so excited to get his office cleaned and organized. I love Kent, but holy hell, is he messy with paperwork sometimes. We are also having some landscape done at the end of next week which will really make the front of the house stand out.
This week-end we are going camping and floating outside of Leavenworth. I'm probably crazy for doing this, but I'm tired of doing house stuff and we are going with two other couples. It should be a fun week-end. Happy Thursday!
Our first class was Monday and it went fairly well. We did see a live birth and it freaked me out. The video was old, and it was pretty obvious to me that there were no drugs happening for the moms. Plus, the live birth and then the birthing of the placenta was enough to kick my senses in overdrive. I swear to God I didn't know about the majority of what was taught, the length of the birth, the part about waiting a decent amount of time before going to the hospital and the complexity of all of it. I feel confident in our hospital, my doctor and I know that Kent is going to be able to help me get through it. I don't think we will have anyone else in the room, I feel like this has been our journey to get pregnant and the birth is our journey as well. Plus, the messiness of birth is my private business.
Kent and I have been busy on the nursery and it is almost done. He still needs to build a bookshelf, my mobile from Etsy has not arrived yet, nor the glider we are having made. I also haven't done the "organizing" of the closet etc, but we still have time for that. We are using Shim's closet anyways right now as we haven't converted our closet yet. We did have the walls painted, and I can't wait to show it.
We will be having 3 baby showers. One shower is sort of a couple's "drinking" shower, a work shower and then finally a small shower with friends and a few relatives who are in town. The whole shower thing frustrates me as my Mother tends to get involved somehow and piss me off. I didn't invite my 88 year old Grandma to the couple's shower as she is coming to the family shower. Apparently that is really rude of me. I give up. In 2 months this crap will be over with and I can focus on the baby coming, not the drama of the showers. I feel pissed right now that I am even having to focus on this last shower. I wanted to have a few friends over, who haven't seen my house, and a few family members who are in town. My sister is going to help me with it, but frankly, it is not on my list of priorities. Now that my mom and Grandma are upset, I'll have to crank up this simple shower into something else. Argh! I'll only be 37 weeks pregnant when it is happening! Hell I might even have had the baby already (-:
I am a bit of an emotional mess, but everything is actually going quite well. Kent was able to get two of our rooms drywalled and primed. Tonight we will start painting them and carpet will be installed on Tuesday. I hate carpet, but it is our only option right now. That will have our guest room completed and Kent's office. I am so excited to get his office cleaned and organized. I love Kent, but holy hell, is he messy with paperwork sometimes. We are also having some landscape done at the end of next week which will really make the front of the house stand out.
This week-end we are going camping and floating outside of Leavenworth. I'm probably crazy for doing this, but I'm tired of doing house stuff and we are going with two other couples. It should be a fun week-end. Happy Thursday!
Home...do I have one?
Thanks everyone for your kind words about our little blessing. I'm still sick, have to constantly pee and sleep is a struggle. Trying not to complain as we are both still so excited.
One thing we are struggling with right now is our housing. We were set to close on Thursday of this week, but now that could potentially be a week out or longer. Most of the time I wouldn't care, but our new tenants move in to our current home in 2 weeks. Our goal was to get some things fixed up before we move in, but now I don't think it is going to happen. We took a gamble and we lost and I'm totally pissed by the whole situation. I'm more moody than normal and last night I was just out right rude to Kent about our housing situation. I can't really help us move, or paint too much or aggressively clean. So my hands feel tied and I don't like it. I know this whole summer, our last summer without the obligation of kids, is going to spent on that damn house. I love that Kent is a contractor, but his obsession over this home is a tough one. I know eventually it will work out, but right now, I'm not that optimistic!
One thing we are struggling with right now is our housing. We were set to close on Thursday of this week, but now that could potentially be a week out or longer. Most of the time I wouldn't care, but our new tenants move in to our current home in 2 weeks. Our goal was to get some things fixed up before we move in, but now I don't think it is going to happen. We took a gamble and we lost and I'm totally pissed by the whole situation. I'm more moody than normal and last night I was just out right rude to Kent about our housing situation. I can't really help us move, or paint too much or aggressively clean. So my hands feel tied and I don't like it. I know this whole summer, our last summer without the obligation of kids, is going to spent on that damn house. I love that Kent is a contractor, but his obsession over this home is a tough one. I know eventually it will work out, but right now, I'm not that optimistic!
The Long Overdue Post
All my life people have found solace in confiding to me about their hopes, fears, dreams etc. I have found a way to lock away secrets and keep a cone of silence when required. I'm a little like a professional who offers confidentiality to my clients. I've been holding on to a secret that I have leaked, then freaked out, then buttoned my mouth only to have it snap and my secret leak again. I am pregnant.
It freaks me out to write those words. It freaks me out to even use the word pregnant to describe me. It is a long story and one I have been wanting to share forever, yet I've been wrapped with fear about the pregnancy, the baby, how people will react, especially my friends and fellow bloggers who have suffered for so long as Kent and I have. The best I can do is share my story, as this blog truly was designed as the story of Kent and I.
In late January I found myself scratching my head and wondering why my period had not come. At that point the doctors said no more clomid etc as my left ovary was taken over by a giant cyst. I was told to just go live my life and TTC was off, in the medical sense. I took a pregnancy test on my birthday, it was negative, as I expected and Kent and I went on for the next couple of weeks and had fun, drank up a storm and lived our lives. As I was nearing the 45 day mark I questioned it, took another pregnancy test and it was negative so I started progesterone to get things going. This didn't work and I was getting worried. My main fear was that my cycle was going to start while we were in Palm Springs and I wouldn't have my clomid. Not knowing if my cyst was there still they made me come in for an ultrasound.
The day I went in for the ultrasound I was nervous. I was concerned it had been over 50 days since my last cycle. I, along with my fellow TTC bloggers, see how quickly that calendar moves and I saw my chance of having a baby in 2010 getting smaller and smaller. When the ultrasound technician started the ultrasound she instantly became quiet and started asking me questions. I saw a blob on the screen and I said, "shit, that cyst is still there." She stopped the ultrasound, looked me dead in the eye and said, "no, you are pregnant." I said that was impossible, I wasn't on drugs and I took two pregnancy tests, both were negative. She was very firm, pleasant though, and said I was pregnant and that I probably had a ton of questions. I quickly got dressed and the news flew throughout the fertility clinic...apparently I had a new condition, spontaneous pregnancy.
As I was sitting there waiting for the doctor I immediately started to panic. I had been drinking up a storm (lots of fun events) and because I hurt my sciatica I had been on vicodin, percocet etc. I sat there, fumbling with these pill bottles and then the tears started coming. The doctor told me that I had to forget the past, I was almost 6 weeks pregnant and you now make choices that are correct with the info I have now.
I left the fertility clinic, went up 3 floors to my office, and freaked out. I called Kent and started screaming at him to get somewhere private that he could hear me (he's a contractor) and there was no lovely dovey, I told it like it was, "Kent, I'm fucking pregnant." It didn't even phase him. He said the second pregnancy test looked like it had a faint line (he pulled it from the trash, GROSS!!) He was of course very excited, but I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, and I had a staff meeting to run in 20 minutes. Later that night when we finally were able to see each other there were some tears and utter disbelief. Kent then gave me a present. I opened it up and was reminded of what a thoughtful man he is. When we started TTC I had two baby showers to go to. I started feeling sad for myself and I loved the A,B,C painted blocks that I had bought a friend. Kent went back to the store the next day and bought them for us, to put in our future baby's room. He has been holding on to them for over a year and was so excited to give them to me.
Now we are sitting here at week 14 and feeling pretty optimistic. I'm not going to say that for the first month I wasn't afraid to pee, sneeze, cough or laugh. I was terrified, but as I am finally coming clean about our good news, I'm beginning to get use to the idea of being pregnant and what our futures holds. In about 3 weeks I will have my second big ultrasound that will confirm any abnormalities etc. I tell my baby everyday that we are good and that there is nothing to worry about. We are not going to find out the sex, so right now I just have a little nugget that I am going to love the crap out of.
Ultrasound taken about 2 weeks ago
It freaks me out to write those words. It freaks me out to even use the word pregnant to describe me. It is a long story and one I have been wanting to share forever, yet I've been wrapped with fear about the pregnancy, the baby, how people will react, especially my friends and fellow bloggers who have suffered for so long as Kent and I have. The best I can do is share my story, as this blog truly was designed as the story of Kent and I.
In late January I found myself scratching my head and wondering why my period had not come. At that point the doctors said no more clomid etc as my left ovary was taken over by a giant cyst. I was told to just go live my life and TTC was off, in the medical sense. I took a pregnancy test on my birthday, it was negative, as I expected and Kent and I went on for the next couple of weeks and had fun, drank up a storm and lived our lives. As I was nearing the 45 day mark I questioned it, took another pregnancy test and it was negative so I started progesterone to get things going. This didn't work and I was getting worried. My main fear was that my cycle was going to start while we were in Palm Springs and I wouldn't have my clomid. Not knowing if my cyst was there still they made me come in for an ultrasound.
The day I went in for the ultrasound I was nervous. I was concerned it had been over 50 days since my last cycle. I, along with my fellow TTC bloggers, see how quickly that calendar moves and I saw my chance of having a baby in 2010 getting smaller and smaller. When the ultrasound technician started the ultrasound she instantly became quiet and started asking me questions. I saw a blob on the screen and I said, "shit, that cyst is still there." She stopped the ultrasound, looked me dead in the eye and said, "no, you are pregnant." I said that was impossible, I wasn't on drugs and I took two pregnancy tests, both were negative. She was very firm, pleasant though, and said I was pregnant and that I probably had a ton of questions. I quickly got dressed and the news flew throughout the fertility clinic...apparently I had a new condition, spontaneous pregnancy.
As I was sitting there waiting for the doctor I immediately started to panic. I had been drinking up a storm (lots of fun events) and because I hurt my sciatica I had been on vicodin, percocet etc. I sat there, fumbling with these pill bottles and then the tears started coming. The doctor told me that I had to forget the past, I was almost 6 weeks pregnant and you now make choices that are correct with the info I have now.
I left the fertility clinic, went up 3 floors to my office, and freaked out. I called Kent and started screaming at him to get somewhere private that he could hear me (he's a contractor) and there was no lovely dovey, I told it like it was, "Kent, I'm fucking pregnant." It didn't even phase him. He said the second pregnancy test looked like it had a faint line (he pulled it from the trash, GROSS!!) He was of course very excited, but I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, and I had a staff meeting to run in 20 minutes. Later that night when we finally were able to see each other there were some tears and utter disbelief. Kent then gave me a present. I opened it up and was reminded of what a thoughtful man he is. When we started TTC I had two baby showers to go to. I started feeling sad for myself and I loved the A,B,C painted blocks that I had bought a friend. Kent went back to the store the next day and bought them for us, to put in our future baby's room. He has been holding on to them for over a year and was so excited to give them to me.
Now we are sitting here at week 14 and feeling pretty optimistic. I'm not going to say that for the first month I wasn't afraid to pee, sneeze, cough or laugh. I was terrified, but as I am finally coming clean about our good news, I'm beginning to get use to the idea of being pregnant and what our futures holds. In about 3 weeks I will have my second big ultrasound that will confirm any abnormalities etc. I tell my baby everyday that we are good and that there is nothing to worry about. We are not going to find out the sex, so right now I just have a little nugget that I am going to love the crap out of.
Ultrasound taken about 2 weeks ago
A place to call home
Kent and I have been on the hunt for the past month now for a new home. We've toyed back and forth with renting or buying. We have a great Triplex that we are going to keep, but it is too small and we are ready for a change. The market we are in financially is not as high as I would like it to be, but we already have another mortgage and I'm not in the mood to be house poor. It sucks when you have a great kitchen but you are too poor to buy food, or make cocktails for friends.
Last night we went and looked at a place in Magnolia. It is WAY overpriced, the owner is smoking crack if he actually thinks he will get full price. The place is more of a modern home, built in the the 50's and maybe reno'd in the last 70's. What does that mean...green olive sinks and toilet. Gross. But what I love about that man of mine is he knows how to swing a hammer. $20,000 later I will have a better bedroom and bathroom. Not sure where the $20,000 will come from, but something will happen.
We haven't officially sent a price offer over to the agent. Kent was up early, which is shocking, and processing the decision etc. I am actually OK with the fact that this house has major potential and I think we could be happy there. Plus there's a place to hang a jacket AND there is a god damn built-in blender in the kitchen. My margaritaville blender may not need to make an appearance this summer. I kept thinking there might be built in ash trays everywhere too (thank god that didn't surface). We always planned on updating any bathroom and kitchen of the house we moved into. I get that if we move into this joint I will live in dust for months, potentially years. But it will be our hard labored dust, and eventually it will settle.
Last night we went and looked at a place in Magnolia. It is WAY overpriced, the owner is smoking crack if he actually thinks he will get full price. The place is more of a modern home, built in the the 50's and maybe reno'd in the last 70's. What does that mean...green olive sinks and toilet. Gross. But what I love about that man of mine is he knows how to swing a hammer. $20,000 later I will have a better bedroom and bathroom. Not sure where the $20,000 will come from, but something will happen.
We haven't officially sent a price offer over to the agent. Kent was up early, which is shocking, and processing the decision etc. I am actually OK with the fact that this house has major potential and I think we could be happy there. Plus there's a place to hang a jacket AND there is a god damn built-in blender in the kitchen. My margaritaville blender may not need to make an appearance this summer. I kept thinking there might be built in ash trays everywhere too (thank god that didn't surface). We always planned on updating any bathroom and kitchen of the house we moved into. I get that if we move into this joint I will live in dust for months, potentially years. But it will be our hard labored dust, and eventually it will settle.
Potpourri
I haven't touched my blog in over a week, I feel out of sorts a bit and I just didn't feel like writing anything down. I've just been all over the place this past week. Things have been fabulous and then swoosh, my emotions kick in and I'm in the dumps. I have had some awesome revelations over the past few days about money, stress and fear. They are all rolled up into one giant ball and every once in awhile it gets flung at me and nails me right in the gut. Knowing a little more of what I've been able to "uncover" in the deep parts of my brain has definitely helped. I'm not going to hash it out here, but hopefully I will be able to remember this mantra and not allow myself to go into such stressful places.
This past week I've been reminded of how lucky we all are after the earthquake in Haiti. I complain about my tendinitis, a headache, shin splints etc, but truthfully, that sheer pain and torture those people are going through is almost unbearable to watch. All of those kids who are without parents. All of those parents without their children. I get confused by disasters and the why's of their place, particularly in a religious sense. An area that is already on the verge of being one of the most distraught in the world, and now they face this. I don't really know how to react, but seeing the photographs and video makes me humble as I sit in my lovely home.
Kent and I are still doing awesome with our fitness and nutrition. I can not tell enough people about taking a daily dose of fish oil, the true oil, not the capsules. I put a dose into about 2oz of Kefir and gulp it down. Kent and I both have been excellent about our supplements, water intake and exercise routine. I really need to work on my stress levels though as stress will wipe out all of these other really proactive things I have been doing.
This upcoming week Kent and I have our birthday on Sunday. I'm looking forward to a positive week and a fun week-end. I can't believe I am going to be 35. Really, it just seems like a pivotal age of no longer being a "young" person. I did get an Iphone this week-end to make my best attempt at getting hip like the kids and an old lady in the grocery store yesterday stopped me to tell me how beautiful my skin was. I guess being 35 with technology and botox on my side is how I will ring in this new birthday. Here's to a good week for everyone.
This past week I've been reminded of how lucky we all are after the earthquake in Haiti. I complain about my tendinitis, a headache, shin splints etc, but truthfully, that sheer pain and torture those people are going through is almost unbearable to watch. All of those kids who are without parents. All of those parents without their children. I get confused by disasters and the why's of their place, particularly in a religious sense. An area that is already on the verge of being one of the most distraught in the world, and now they face this. I don't really know how to react, but seeing the photographs and video makes me humble as I sit in my lovely home.
Kent and I are still doing awesome with our fitness and nutrition. I can not tell enough people about taking a daily dose of fish oil, the true oil, not the capsules. I put a dose into about 2oz of Kefir and gulp it down. Kent and I both have been excellent about our supplements, water intake and exercise routine. I really need to work on my stress levels though as stress will wipe out all of these other really proactive things I have been doing.
This upcoming week Kent and I have our birthday on Sunday. I'm looking forward to a positive week and a fun week-end. I can't believe I am going to be 35. Really, it just seems like a pivotal age of no longer being a "young" person. I did get an Iphone this week-end to make my best attempt at getting hip like the kids and an old lady in the grocery store yesterday stopped me to tell me how beautiful my skin was. I guess being 35 with technology and botox on my side is how I will ring in this new birthday. Here's to a good week for everyone.
Here Comes The Sun...
Doo doo doo doo...here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right. Since about the age of 18 I have kept a journal on and off. One tradition that I have held steady with is an entry on December 31st that generally sums up my year, sort of an annual report to myself on life. For this entry I don't hash out the bad and beat myself up, but it is usually eye opening when I have time to process encounters and see them with either more time, more wisdom or less emotions. I am a processor, a thinker, a constant scenario player in my head. Here's the thing about this particular year...I don't want to process it. I have been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year. The emotions have been to the extreme, like flying from Antarctica to the Equator in 4 hours. I really don't want to relive this as it has been a giant drag. I've been out of control emotionally, physically with food and mentally with visions of negativity that have plagued me for months. I'm tired of it.
Right now the goal is to focus on the good, what I have in life that so many times I just don't recognize. My optimism for this next year is pretty high right now. Kent and I are focused as a team to get ourselves back on track. We have a plan for our food intake and fitness. I have menus weekly coming to me and Bootcamp 3x a week that should help jump start us. We look forward to moving in the next 4-8 months into a bigger home and finally getting that grown up King sized bed we've dreamed about. Our priorities are shifting and this is a good thing. I think 2010 will be the year of me. I tend to be last on my list, but not this year. My focus is going to have to be continually on me, something that I am not use to. The focus is simple though---healthy food, exercise/fitness daily, mental relaxation and calming of life's woes. Sounds easy? Truthfully, once I put my mind to something I can do it. It is just getting started which is tough. I have been so bummed every time I work out lately as I am in the worst shape that I have been in for the past 5 years. When I run I feel my second ass hit my back. I mean seriously, it has gotten bad. Six years ago I went from jogging for 30 seconds to 1/2 marathons, so I know I have it in me. There's a little athlete inside me who has been struggling with life for the past year. I'm over letting things like fertility issues, family stress etc bog me down to the point of being unable to move. Moving is what will help me stay on focus, so it is time to start baby steps again towards the old Lisa.
I'm grateful for my friends, family and Kent for staying by my side as these past few months have wore me down. I can not wait to get back on track and start to feel better about myself. I don't want to talk about the fertility options and stress that will come with this. I want to hopefully remind myself every month that doing the best I can is my only option and true choice. I have no control over the actual process, but I do have control over how I "process" these monthly emotional roller coasters. Somehow I am going to beg for peace within myself and my body.
May 2010 bless all of us, or at least allow us to see our blessings.
Right now the goal is to focus on the good, what I have in life that so many times I just don't recognize. My optimism for this next year is pretty high right now. Kent and I are focused as a team to get ourselves back on track. We have a plan for our food intake and fitness. I have menus weekly coming to me and Bootcamp 3x a week that should help jump start us. We look forward to moving in the next 4-8 months into a bigger home and finally getting that grown up King sized bed we've dreamed about. Our priorities are shifting and this is a good thing. I think 2010 will be the year of me. I tend to be last on my list, but not this year. My focus is going to have to be continually on me, something that I am not use to. The focus is simple though---healthy food, exercise/fitness daily, mental relaxation and calming of life's woes. Sounds easy? Truthfully, once I put my mind to something I can do it. It is just getting started which is tough. I have been so bummed every time I work out lately as I am in the worst shape that I have been in for the past 5 years. When I run I feel my second ass hit my back. I mean seriously, it has gotten bad. Six years ago I went from jogging for 30 seconds to 1/2 marathons, so I know I have it in me. There's a little athlete inside me who has been struggling with life for the past year. I'm over letting things like fertility issues, family stress etc bog me down to the point of being unable to move. Moving is what will help me stay on focus, so it is time to start baby steps again towards the old Lisa.
I'm grateful for my friends, family and Kent for staying by my side as these past few months have wore me down. I can not wait to get back on track and start to feel better about myself. I don't want to talk about the fertility options and stress that will come with this. I want to hopefully remind myself every month that doing the best I can is my only option and true choice. I have no control over the actual process, but I do have control over how I "process" these monthly emotional roller coasters. Somehow I am going to beg for peace within myself and my body.
May 2010 bless all of us, or at least allow us to see our blessings.
Happy Holidays....
I'm starting to get that warm feeling, the happiness feeling that I haven't felt for awhile. I am enjoying the beautiful decorating Kent and I did together and the fun things planned over the next few days. I'm keeping my stress at bay, even though it is all around me. I'm controlling what I can and putting the rest aside as it will do me no good. I'm so thankful that I have a husband who will make a mad dash with me to the store and make 12 gifts for all my co-workers on a moments notice (like last night at 8pm).
There are so many reasons that I love Kent, but here is an example of what makes him that fabulous guy. The other night I was putting some presents under the tree and I noticed this one gift that looked really out of place. It's wrapping was terrible, you could see weird paper shredding, cat hair stuck in the tape and the bow was ridiculous. I thought to myself, we don't have kids! I forgot our only kid though is Kent's 16 year old cat Stoney who apparently went shopping for me and wrapped his own gift. The tag said To Mom Love Stoney. The fact that Kent intentionally wrapped this gift poorly and put a chunk of Stoney's fur in the tape is a testament to his thoughtfulness.
This has been a rock and roll of a year, literally. Some days are rocky, some days we roll on by. We've had our seat belts on the entire time though and I couldn't be more happy to be side by side with Kent. My wonderful friends too have been a testament to the word of friendship. Thank you everyone, have a wonderful holiday!
You gotta have faith
I've had the strangest feelings over the past few weeks. The sadness has been tough, knowing that my goal of pregnancy this year did not come. It is a weird pain, an aching in my heart and a little aching for Kent too. I have found myself staring out the window at work and looking at the cathedral that is across the street. I was raised Catholic, but I don't attend church and I could tell you very little about the religion. There are a few things that I loved about church though, I loved the signing and saying peace be with you to strangers around.
This April when we were in Vatican City I joked with Kent that I wanted him to pray for smaller thighs for me. I actually said a silent prayer to God, asking him to help me become a mom. I mean can I get any closer to the higher ups within the Catholic world? My entire life I have worried about getting pregnant, I have no idea why. I've always been really overweight and feared nobody would love me enough to marry me. But deep down I've had a suspicion. You don't start your cycle at 10 and have it be crazy forever. I use to joke that I could go through a box of tampons in a year, and I'm not talking Costco size boxes. Friends were envious of my missing cycle, but the envy is over. Now it is more of a pity.
This past week-end I found myself at a house party and I wasn't prepared mentally, the questions about how our marriage was and what we were up to. The prying of personal questions about why things have been hard (I was just too honest, it just came out). I'm not a sweet talker when things are not sweet. I was honest and said we were going through a rough patch with starting a family. But my favorite was the discovery that this bitchy woman that Kent has known since high school, who was married in late September, got knocked up on her honeymoon and was walking around rubbing her belly (which is flatter than a board) and telling everyone her good news. I had not seen her since last Christmas, when she sulked on the sofa because there was no engagement ring on her finger. So when I saw her I naturally said congrats, as in congrats on your wedding, but she patted her flat-ass belly and smiled. France was "good to them." I probably turned white as a ghost and I wanted to scream, "are you F*ing kidding me!" but that is nasty and I am doing my best to combat this negative mind of mine. I know this is rude and selfish, but she is bitchy, down right bitchy, always has been, always will be. Knowing she is going to be someones mom so quickly....ahhh...this is where my faith needs to come in. Faith that Kent and I will continue in a positive way and take care of ourselves. Faith that our dreams will come true, somehow, someway. So we have the next 4-8 weeks of taking care of ourselves and not focusing on TTC. I honestly may find myself on the lawn of that church, saying a little prayer for myself that hopefully someone is listening too.
This April when we were in Vatican City I joked with Kent that I wanted him to pray for smaller thighs for me. I actually said a silent prayer to God, asking him to help me become a mom. I mean can I get any closer to the higher ups within the Catholic world? My entire life I have worried about getting pregnant, I have no idea why. I've always been really overweight and feared nobody would love me enough to marry me. But deep down I've had a suspicion. You don't start your cycle at 10 and have it be crazy forever. I use to joke that I could go through a box of tampons in a year, and I'm not talking Costco size boxes. Friends were envious of my missing cycle, but the envy is over. Now it is more of a pity.
This past week-end I found myself at a house party and I wasn't prepared mentally, the questions about how our marriage was and what we were up to. The prying of personal questions about why things have been hard (I was just too honest, it just came out). I'm not a sweet talker when things are not sweet. I was honest and said we were going through a rough patch with starting a family. But my favorite was the discovery that this bitchy woman that Kent has known since high school, who was married in late September, got knocked up on her honeymoon and was walking around rubbing her belly (which is flatter than a board) and telling everyone her good news. I had not seen her since last Christmas, when she sulked on the sofa because there was no engagement ring on her finger. So when I saw her I naturally said congrats, as in congrats on your wedding, but she patted her flat-ass belly and smiled. France was "good to them." I probably turned white as a ghost and I wanted to scream, "are you F*ing kidding me!" but that is nasty and I am doing my best to combat this negative mind of mine. I know this is rude and selfish, but she is bitchy, down right bitchy, always has been, always will be. Knowing she is going to be someones mom so quickly....ahhh...this is where my faith needs to come in. Faith that Kent and I will continue in a positive way and take care of ourselves. Faith that our dreams will come true, somehow, someway. So we have the next 4-8 weeks of taking care of ourselves and not focusing on TTC. I honestly may find myself on the lawn of that church, saying a little prayer for myself that hopefully someone is listening too.
Positve direction
Happy Monday. I'm super sick right now, but I see the end is near and a few new positive hopes in our sights. This past week I went to a nutritionist with the hopes that I could get some new information to help me combat these 20 (jesus christ) pounds that I have put on this year. One hour later, probably $200 out the door, I learned something that I needed to discover this way...I am pretty damn smart when it comes to nutrition and my body. This doesn't mean that I am always making the right decisions, but I literally left this hour long consultation with nothing. Who in the hell doesn't know that a balanced snack like a string cheese and 5 almonds is a good idea. I left pissed and on the next hunt. A few days later, I totally scored. Through two different doctors I was able to get in touch with a nutritionist who lives in Arizona and her speciality is PCOS; not just a little dabble here and there; her passion is PCOS and helping women through the difficulties that come with this. I am jacked! Honestly, I think this is seriously good news. She gets the insulin component and she will help me with weekly meetings. I'm having my first conference call with her on Wed. I know that only a few people read this blog, but for any PCOS peeps out there she has a blog www.incyst.com.
Today Kent and I also had a follow-up with the RE that I immediately scheduled after finding out we failed this cycle in ovulating. 5 minutes into the conversation I felt my shoulders relax and my tummy calmed down. He apologized for the ARNP making such an off the cuff statement about IVF being our next step. He helped us understand that normally you have 4 successful clomid ovulation cycles and if there is no pregnancy then we move on to another pill, Femera, before we begin injections. IVF and other invasive tests and surgeries are in the far future for now. I am just an almost too be 35 year old woman with PCOS, I just don't ovulate. Everything else looks good so we will continue down this route. When ever my period shows up we will up our cycle of clomid to 150mg (shit) and we will try this two more times. He also didn't think we needed to do the IUI as Kent's junk is awesome. For my peace of mind and a mere $400 I would rather do IUI as it gives us just a little better shot. Oh..and he took me off Metformin! Thank you baby Jesus as my tummy is forever grateful.
So these next few weeks are going to be about relaxing, celebrating with friends and family over the holiday season and beginning a positive journey back into weight loss and taking care of myself. This is the best gift I can give myself right now (that still doesn't mean I don't want that beautiful Navy handbag Kent..hint hint hint). This past week-end we enjoyed our annual "Cousin" holiday dinner with one of Kent's few relatives, his cousin Brian and wife Liz. Our outing included drinks, dinner, drinks, carousel ride, drinks, more drinks and a nightcap of drinks. Hey...I'm not pregnant yet, so let the holidays be merry and bright!
Today Kent and I also had a follow-up with the RE that I immediately scheduled after finding out we failed this cycle in ovulating. 5 minutes into the conversation I felt my shoulders relax and my tummy calmed down. He apologized for the ARNP making such an off the cuff statement about IVF being our next step. He helped us understand that normally you have 4 successful clomid ovulation cycles and if there is no pregnancy then we move on to another pill, Femera, before we begin injections. IVF and other invasive tests and surgeries are in the far future for now. I am just an almost too be 35 year old woman with PCOS, I just don't ovulate. Everything else looks good so we will continue down this route. When ever my period shows up we will up our cycle of clomid to 150mg (shit) and we will try this two more times. He also didn't think we needed to do the IUI as Kent's junk is awesome. For my peace of mind and a mere $400 I would rather do IUI as it gives us just a little better shot. Oh..and he took me off Metformin! Thank you baby Jesus as my tummy is forever grateful.
So these next few weeks are going to be about relaxing, celebrating with friends and family over the holiday season and beginning a positive journey back into weight loss and taking care of myself. This is the best gift I can give myself right now (that still doesn't mean I don't want that beautiful Navy handbag Kent..hint hint hint). This past week-end we enjoyed our annual "Cousin" holiday dinner with one of Kent's few relatives, his cousin Brian and wife Liz. Our outing included drinks, dinner, drinks, carousel ride, drinks, more drinks and a nightcap of drinks. Hey...I'm not pregnant yet, so let the holidays be merry and bright!
The tears of gratitude
The past few days I have been overcome by emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat. This morning a Folgers holiday commercial set me over the edge. Like sobbing, for an hour with feelings of sadness that my dream of being pregnant in 2009 will more than likely not happen. I did my best to get ready and arrived an hour late for work (good thing I'm the boss). As I enter the elevator 3, yes 3, pregnant women get on with me. We stop off at one of the floors with an OB/GYN clinic on it, two ladies step out, and in a mad commotion a wheel chair flies in with a pregnant woman, her husband and a nurse who are wheeling her to the hospital as her water broke in the office. I explained kindly to them that this elevator was going up, but they were so excited, the husband was on the phone, and I was left in the corner and the stream of tears began again.
On Saturday at 8am I will have an ultrasound to see if any follicles have produced from this round of clomid. With luck we will have an IUI on Sunday morning. I've been diligent about taking my Metformin and I've even found myself saying a few prayers to whoever is listening. I know we have only been trying for 8 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. The holiday traditions of family only elevate my desire to begin my own family.
As I did my best to compose myself at work I decided I needed to make the most of the next few days. I am looking forward to doing the cooking tomorrow and testing out several new recipes. I am still not sure if I will shop on Friday morning as we are not really doing the mad dash present scene this year. Just a few small gifts for everyone. Normally my parents buy my sister and I so many gifts that we literally need to take a break, almost an intermission, during the gift exchange. It will be a nice change this year to try and enjoy one anothers company and not focusing on all of our gifts. Kent and I have also been looking at ways to see our friends this holiday season without spending a fortune.
Here is to hope, gratitude and love for the life I have.
On Saturday at 8am I will have an ultrasound to see if any follicles have produced from this round of clomid. With luck we will have an IUI on Sunday morning. I've been diligent about taking my Metformin and I've even found myself saying a few prayers to whoever is listening. I know we have only been trying for 8 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. The holiday traditions of family only elevate my desire to begin my own family.
As I did my best to compose myself at work I decided I needed to make the most of the next few days. I am looking forward to doing the cooking tomorrow and testing out several new recipes. I am still not sure if I will shop on Friday morning as we are not really doing the mad dash present scene this year. Just a few small gifts for everyone. Normally my parents buy my sister and I so many gifts that we literally need to take a break, almost an intermission, during the gift exchange. It will be a nice change this year to try and enjoy one anothers company and not focusing on all of our gifts. Kent and I have also been looking at ways to see our friends this holiday season without spending a fortune.
Here is to hope, gratitude and love for the life I have.
Tardy for the Party
Truthfully I have no fun parties lined up this week-end but I have so wanted to have that as a title for a post of mine. Today is my TGIF though and I'm grateful on many levels.
1)My BFF Susan and I are having our pigs done (pedicures) and dinner at my house tomorrow night. It is lady time that she and I are long overdo for.
2)Kent and I are working as a total team on our housing and financial situation and where we are headed. Not sure if we are selling our current home or keeping it and coming up with plan B. I'm so happy to have him on my side though as we are figuring out a game plan.
3) I am just about done reading this great book, The End of Overeating by David Kessler MD, and even though it is very dry and scientific in the beginning, I have really been able to see food in a different way. The book focuses on the food industry etc and their use of fat, salt and sugar to make us have insatiable cravings. He talks about ways to combat these and finding a way to focus on food as fuel. So far, so good.
4) I've successfully taken my glucophage 1x a day this past week with very little side effects. I am super excited by this and hopefully next week I will be able to increase the dose and one day I will get up to that 2000mg a day. Right now I can only take 500mg.
5) On Wednesday I will take a pregnancy test. The time has gone by pretty quickly. I actually don't have any feelings right now regarding it. I'm not feeling any different and I know if this time doesn't work, another time will.
Here's to gratitude and Friday's.
1)My BFF Susan and I are having our pigs done (pedicures) and dinner at my house tomorrow night. It is lady time that she and I are long overdo for.
2)Kent and I are working as a total team on our housing and financial situation and where we are headed. Not sure if we are selling our current home or keeping it and coming up with plan B. I'm so happy to have him on my side though as we are figuring out a game plan.
3) I am just about done reading this great book, The End of Overeating by David Kessler MD, and even though it is very dry and scientific in the beginning, I have really been able to see food in a different way. The book focuses on the food industry etc and their use of fat, salt and sugar to make us have insatiable cravings. He talks about ways to combat these and finding a way to focus on food as fuel. So far, so good.
4) I've successfully taken my glucophage 1x a day this past week with very little side effects. I am super excited by this and hopefully next week I will be able to increase the dose and one day I will get up to that 2000mg a day. Right now I can only take 500mg.
5) On Wednesday I will take a pregnancy test. The time has gone by pretty quickly. I actually don't have any feelings right now regarding it. I'm not feeling any different and I know if this time doesn't work, another time will.
Here's to gratitude and Friday's.
You gotta know when to hold em...
Right now I feel like Kenny Rogers with a hand of b*llsh*t cards. I'm not ready to fold 'em yet, but I am totally bummed out. I just returned from my ultrasound and the eggs are little. Nothing bigger than an 11. They would like to see me over the week-end for another ultrasound and injection, but I won't be here. I'll be rocking, drinking and smoking myself into an oblivion in sin city (not actually...but I feel like taking that path right now). I sat in the waiting room of the RE's office talking to Kent and debating if we should change our flight and come back early on Monday with the hope a big egg is just hanging out and waiting for a dose of hormones to push itself out. I contemplated that, but you know, this is just the way the cards fall sometimes. I have been waiting for this concert and week-end for 7 months. 7 months ago my life was awesome. I spent almost 3 weeks in Italy with my fabulous husband and had no clue about my stupid ovaries. 7 months ago I was so jacked for this concert and I am not going to let today's ultrasound ruin that.
Am I going to sit in my office right now and cry, you bet. Am I going to get on that airplane tomorrow and rock out, yep. Am I going to get another pair of Louboutin's to make me feel better this week-end (only if Kent isn't around). (-:
It's a gamble this week-end that I am willing to ride out. Since I didn't hit the ovary jackpot today that will only ensure my good luck this week-end when I find my kick ass fun Wheel of Fortune Game. The mood I am in now though...I might just head straight to the tables (once I figure out how to play those games).
Am I going to sit in my office right now and cry, you bet. Am I going to get on that airplane tomorrow and rock out, yep. Am I going to get another pair of Louboutin's to make me feel better this week-end (only if Kent isn't around). (-:
It's a gamble this week-end that I am willing to ride out. Since I didn't hit the ovary jackpot today that will only ensure my good luck this week-end when I find my kick ass fun Wheel of Fortune Game. The mood I am in now though...I might just head straight to the tables (once I figure out how to play those games).
Busy mind
I woke up today super tired. I called work and told them I was coming in later. I went back to bed but the cat kept touching my face. He rarely bothers me while I am sleeping because Stoney, the cat, and Kent have a freaky bond and they snuggle like a couple all night long. Stoney is 15 and Kent rescued him from a crazy tenant he once had who couldn't pay rent and tried to sell Stoney to some stoner dude who lived in a van. Kent wouldn't have it, took the cat and named him Stoney. I do love that cat, but it has taken time. I had to give the love of my life away, Frank Tex Kelley, when I decided to move in with Kent. I remember when Kent asked me late one night while we were falling asleep if I wanted to move in with him. My heart raced, I was like, holy crap this is the real deal. We had been dating 6 months, but from the moment we started dating we were inseparable. I was excited by the idea of living together, but I knew that Frank and Stoney would not get along. So Frank Kelley had to move to my parents house, and even though is has been over 3 years, I still miss him terribly.
The first week I had him! So Cute!
Frank will always be my first baby. I dressed him up as much as I could.
What I loved the most about Frank was how he would greet me at the door and sit in my lap. He was like having a kid. I would take him to the vet, he needed regular hair cuts, he had his own photo album, bed, and drawer full of clothes and toys. During holiday times he had a Halloween costume and I would take him to see Santa Paws. When we would walk around the neighborhood people would stop and chat with me and they always remembered Frank's name, not necessarily mine.
It probably seems odd to compare Frank to my future kids, but they really are quite similar. Frank and I needed one another. He kept me company before Kent came into my life and I showered him with love. We are still buddies and I get to see him monthly. My parents give me updates on him and when he gets a haircut, they send me a text message and a photo. Frank was the best and totally has me ready and wanting to be a real mom.
Last night I was telling Kent about how we need to keep soda and candy out of the house when the kids come. Kent and I both struggle with our weight and our hope is that our kids will not have the same issues. Tomorrow I am going to the RE to have an ultrasound. It will be day 12 and we will see if Clomid helped on any of these eggs. I haven't had the cramping I did last month, so I am concerned that it may not have worked. I am excited to be going away this week-end, but I really, really wanted to have IUI and it seems like such a long shot. This month may not work out right. I will do my best to not get discouraged, but it feels like the days move SO slowly sometimes. I'm a bit of a prisoner with my lady business cycle and I hate it.
My mind has been very busy these past few days. Bogged down by kind of BS with acquaintances in my life who show up and then disappear. I wonder if I've done something, but life is just this way at times. I'm a peacekeeper who has given up her duties and is now feeling like a fighter/survivor in this fertility war. I'm embarrassed to already be feeling this way as we have only been trying for 8 months. I worry about what lies ahead for us though and this is what brings out the adrenaline in me.
The first week I had him! So Cute!
Frank will always be my first baby. I dressed him up as much as I could.
What I loved the most about Frank was how he would greet me at the door and sit in my lap. He was like having a kid. I would take him to the vet, he needed regular hair cuts, he had his own photo album, bed, and drawer full of clothes and toys. During holiday times he had a Halloween costume and I would take him to see Santa Paws. When we would walk around the neighborhood people would stop and chat with me and they always remembered Frank's name, not necessarily mine.
It probably seems odd to compare Frank to my future kids, but they really are quite similar. Frank and I needed one another. He kept me company before Kent came into my life and I showered him with love. We are still buddies and I get to see him monthly. My parents give me updates on him and when he gets a haircut, they send me a text message and a photo. Frank was the best and totally has me ready and wanting to be a real mom.
Last night I was telling Kent about how we need to keep soda and candy out of the house when the kids come. Kent and I both struggle with our weight and our hope is that our kids will not have the same issues. Tomorrow I am going to the RE to have an ultrasound. It will be day 12 and we will see if Clomid helped on any of these eggs. I haven't had the cramping I did last month, so I am concerned that it may not have worked. I am excited to be going away this week-end, but I really, really wanted to have IUI and it seems like such a long shot. This month may not work out right. I will do my best to not get discouraged, but it feels like the days move SO slowly sometimes. I'm a bit of a prisoner with my lady business cycle and I hate it.
My mind has been very busy these past few days. Bogged down by kind of BS with acquaintances in my life who show up and then disappear. I wonder if I've done something, but life is just this way at times. I'm a peacekeeper who has given up her duties and is now feeling like a fighter/survivor in this fertility war. I'm embarrassed to already be feeling this way as we have only been trying for 8 months. I worry about what lies ahead for us though and this is what brings out the adrenaline in me.
Down time
Today Kent and I found ourselves with nothing on our agenda. Not a single important task, obligation or function on the calendar. Kent and I are often busy and rarely have down time. When we do find ourselves with nothing going on, we almost become blank and our memories are erased of possibilities. When we are full, it seems there are too many things that we would like to do.
We woke up to the sound of ridiculous rain; pouring rain. The type of rain that floods the streets as the gutters are full of leaves. We decided to make a pork roast and ran to the grocery store "ugly." Which means sweats, teeth brushed but no shower. I call it "ugly" became I don't apply my face, aka makeup. It was some type of anniversary at the grocery store so it was packed. I swear in our neighborhood there are not enough decent grocery stores that aren't ridiculously expensive. So the normal priced one is out of control packed with shoppers who are normal people with budgets. After the grocery store I came home and made blueberry pancakes with some of the blueberries from Kent's 11 pounds he picked. I will never use up all of these blueberries. Next year we are only getting enough berries to fill our hands, no buckets allowed. Once breakfast was over and I cleaned up the house the boredom began.
Kent has been wanting to move for the past 2 years. We love our home, it is just too small. We own a triplex and have decided we are not going to sell it, but keep it and rent out our unit. Our problem is the down payment. We need to have a pretty big chunk to get another place and coming up with that cash has not been that easy. Kent's contracting skills are aching to start a new bathroom, a new kitchen of his dreams. He scours the magazines and Redfin with the eyes of a kid in a candy store. This scouring though with no means of getting his new home leaves a sense of uncertainty and impatience. It sucks when what you really want to do is not an option. It will be an option sooner than later, but finding a way to keep Kent's time occupied will be a challenge. He doesn't watch sports, he doesn't play video games. He has a hobby, it's called building things, and not bird houses.
So now we are finding ourselves at home this evening. Dinner turned out great, we went to Blockbuster (haven't done that in years!) and rented two movies. They are total lady movies and I can't wait. I won the movie war as the new Transformer movie doesn't come out until next week (somehow we missed this in the theatre wink, wink).
Trying to keep the night exciting I made up this cute tray of treats to occupy his time as he is watching a documentary on the journey of making it into the musical A Chorus Line. The movie is called Every Little Step and I am jacked. I've always loved dance movie, Flashdance, Fame etc. A Chorus Line was my favorite. Last year it came to Seattle and Kent was awesome and came with me. I totally cried at it, so ridiculous yes, but you have to love the story of someone chasing their dream. My husband is a good man. Our 5 days of Clomid is over now. Tonight we will sit and I will dream and he will gag over our movie but at least the treats are good..truffle popcorn--YUM!
PS--Look at these beautiful flowers I came home to on Friday. A Chorus Line AND flowers...that's my man!
We woke up to the sound of ridiculous rain; pouring rain. The type of rain that floods the streets as the gutters are full of leaves. We decided to make a pork roast and ran to the grocery store "ugly." Which means sweats, teeth brushed but no shower. I call it "ugly" became I don't apply my face, aka makeup. It was some type of anniversary at the grocery store so it was packed. I swear in our neighborhood there are not enough decent grocery stores that aren't ridiculously expensive. So the normal priced one is out of control packed with shoppers who are normal people with budgets. After the grocery store I came home and made blueberry pancakes with some of the blueberries from Kent's 11 pounds he picked. I will never use up all of these blueberries. Next year we are only getting enough berries to fill our hands, no buckets allowed. Once breakfast was over and I cleaned up the house the boredom began.
Kent has been wanting to move for the past 2 years. We love our home, it is just too small. We own a triplex and have decided we are not going to sell it, but keep it and rent out our unit. Our problem is the down payment. We need to have a pretty big chunk to get another place and coming up with that cash has not been that easy. Kent's contracting skills are aching to start a new bathroom, a new kitchen of his dreams. He scours the magazines and Redfin with the eyes of a kid in a candy store. This scouring though with no means of getting his new home leaves a sense of uncertainty and impatience. It sucks when what you really want to do is not an option. It will be an option sooner than later, but finding a way to keep Kent's time occupied will be a challenge. He doesn't watch sports, he doesn't play video games. He has a hobby, it's called building things, and not bird houses.
So now we are finding ourselves at home this evening. Dinner turned out great, we went to Blockbuster (haven't done that in years!) and rented two movies. They are total lady movies and I can't wait. I won the movie war as the new Transformer movie doesn't come out until next week (somehow we missed this in the theatre wink, wink).
Trying to keep the night exciting I made up this cute tray of treats to occupy his time as he is watching a documentary on the journey of making it into the musical A Chorus Line. The movie is called Every Little Step and I am jacked. I've always loved dance movie, Flashdance, Fame etc. A Chorus Line was my favorite. Last year it came to Seattle and Kent was awesome and came with me. I totally cried at it, so ridiculous yes, but you have to love the story of someone chasing their dream. My husband is a good man. Our 5 days of Clomid is over now. Tonight we will sit and I will dream and he will gag over our movie but at least the treats are good..truffle popcorn--YUM!
PS--Look at these beautiful flowers I came home to on Friday. A Chorus Line AND flowers...that's my man!
I want a new drug...
One that doesn't make me a crazed lunatic and want to rip off everyone's head! Oh, how I shudder to think that I asked them to double my dose. I am so ridiculously irritable. I've tried deep breathing, focusing on the positive, letting drivers cut me off without flipping them off and trying to be sensible that one of our tenants rent checks bounced. I'm like Thomas the Engine right now...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can---be nice. My engine puttered out a few days ago and dropped my butt off on the tracks. Sweet Jesus help me. This nicety nice smile that is plastered on my face is ready to crack. Praise the lord I just had botox to prevent my constant scowl and "WTF" face.
My TGIF today is the fact that I only have 1 more day of Clomid. I also have a relatively quiet week-end ahead of us, which is great, as we rarely do have downtime of the week-end. Hopefully I can find some peace and serenity and my husband will be allowed some ease to be around me.
Amen
My TGIF today is the fact that I only have 1 more day of Clomid. I also have a relatively quiet week-end ahead of us, which is great, as we rarely do have downtime of the week-end. Hopefully I can find some peace and serenity and my husband will be allowed some ease to be around me.
Amen
Apologies and acceptance
Over the years I have learned the value of being honest, of accepting my ways and behaviors and for apologizing when I am wrong or have wronged someone. I'm also working on my acceptance of myself and the love and trust from those around me. In the past few days I have found myself having to both apologize for my actions and finding some acceptance in who I am. Normally I share too much, but today it is not necessary to hash out my apologies to my husband Kent. For once I am going to choose privacy, learn from my mistakes and move on.
I've also been wrangling with this idea that a good friend of mine emailed me about upon reading my blog. I appreciated this friends concern about how I am often writing about my dissatisfaction with my body, my life and how much I focus on the future instead of the here and now. I've always been hard on myself. Growing up I felt the need to please my family by getting good grades, keeping the house clean etc to help make up for the fact that I was very overweight. I don't think I was an embarrassment to my family, but I know at times it really bothered my mom that I was so big. My self worth has always been measured by the size of my body. When I lose weight I find more happiness in myself and generally in my life. When I begin to lose control and overeat I become withdrawn and almost abusive to my body. I stop working out, I overeat and my mental state becomes consumed with negative thoughts about myself and my life. My focus over the past few months has been too geared towards the negative in my life. My insecurities are at an all time high along with my fear about the future. I am stuck on a wheel of fear right now that is constantly spinning me backwards and forwards. I'm consumed by getting pregnant for fear of knowing that having PCOS will make this a challenge. The only thing I can do is to find some faith that things will work out. Somehow I will have a baby. I may not be able to get pregnant, but I will still have a baby.
Tonight and every night I need to find my gratitude again in my life and those in it. This gratitude needs to start from the ground up again as I am really dragging and weighing myself down with all of this negativity and fear. I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that my period was coming and that we were not pregnant. I felt OK with it until I started looking at the calendar and realizing that we will be out of town when my next ovulation will hopefully occur and I won't be able to have IUI. Upon realizing this I went into a pretty dark place for most of Saturday and I just can't do this to myself or Kent. We have barely begun to try and conceive, yet I am behaving like we have been doing this for years. I don't have control over my ovulation, but I do have control over my emotions and how I choose to let these things effect my life.
Kent you are a wonderful, wonderful man. Someone asked me the other day at work when I knew that I loved you. That was easy for me to answer. I liked you a ton right away. I was terrified of getting close to you as I had never had success in the dating world and figured our time together would be short lived like the others. You were different though. You made me want to put down my guard and let you into all of my life, the good and the ugly. Our honesty with one another in the beginning was so refreshing. It took a few months for me to realize that having you in my life was no longer just to have fun. Kent you became my life. When you went to Thailand for the holidays and we exchanged emails back and forth for two weeks it was there that I knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm still scared that you will one day give up on me and my insecurities, but I have to accept that we all have insecurities from time to time and you are here for the long run. Kent, thank you for being my husband and accepting who I am. Right now I am a girl who is pretty scared about the unknown but has more gratitude about my life than I can possibly say. Thank you to my friend who helped me see this.
I've also been wrangling with this idea that a good friend of mine emailed me about upon reading my blog. I appreciated this friends concern about how I am often writing about my dissatisfaction with my body, my life and how much I focus on the future instead of the here and now. I've always been hard on myself. Growing up I felt the need to please my family by getting good grades, keeping the house clean etc to help make up for the fact that I was very overweight. I don't think I was an embarrassment to my family, but I know at times it really bothered my mom that I was so big. My self worth has always been measured by the size of my body. When I lose weight I find more happiness in myself and generally in my life. When I begin to lose control and overeat I become withdrawn and almost abusive to my body. I stop working out, I overeat and my mental state becomes consumed with negative thoughts about myself and my life. My focus over the past few months has been too geared towards the negative in my life. My insecurities are at an all time high along with my fear about the future. I am stuck on a wheel of fear right now that is constantly spinning me backwards and forwards. I'm consumed by getting pregnant for fear of knowing that having PCOS will make this a challenge. The only thing I can do is to find some faith that things will work out. Somehow I will have a baby. I may not be able to get pregnant, but I will still have a baby.
Tonight and every night I need to find my gratitude again in my life and those in it. This gratitude needs to start from the ground up again as I am really dragging and weighing myself down with all of this negativity and fear. I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that my period was coming and that we were not pregnant. I felt OK with it until I started looking at the calendar and realizing that we will be out of town when my next ovulation will hopefully occur and I won't be able to have IUI. Upon realizing this I went into a pretty dark place for most of Saturday and I just can't do this to myself or Kent. We have barely begun to try and conceive, yet I am behaving like we have been doing this for years. I don't have control over my ovulation, but I do have control over my emotions and how I choose to let these things effect my life.
Kent you are a wonderful, wonderful man. Someone asked me the other day at work when I knew that I loved you. That was easy for me to answer. I liked you a ton right away. I was terrified of getting close to you as I had never had success in the dating world and figured our time together would be short lived like the others. You were different though. You made me want to put down my guard and let you into all of my life, the good and the ugly. Our honesty with one another in the beginning was so refreshing. It took a few months for me to realize that having you in my life was no longer just to have fun. Kent you became my life. When you went to Thailand for the holidays and we exchanged emails back and forth for two weeks it was there that I knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm still scared that you will one day give up on me and my insecurities, but I have to accept that we all have insecurities from time to time and you are here for the long run. Kent, thank you for being my husband and accepting who I am. Right now I am a girl who is pretty scared about the unknown but has more gratitude about my life than I can possibly say. Thank you to my friend who helped me see this.
Sabotage & Inspiration
I took a week off from my blog as I felt as if the same stuff was coming to my mind, the same negative thoughts and fears and I just didn't feel like vocalizing them. I felt really pissed about my weight and how it seems like I sabotage my goals. I work hard, it doesn't show on the scale and then I go into a tyrant and sabotage all of my hard work. As I felt myself sort of sliding into that negative place I had to think back to many years ago, when I first started losing weight and what worked for me. The best thing for me was that I did not own a scale. Instead of weighing myself I purchased a beautiful blue coat, something perfect for early spring and walking in park, that was way too small. So small that I couldn't put my arms in it. Monthly I would try on that jacket and in the beginning that just meant putting one arm into it. Over time I worked my way up to my arms fitting, then it was loose enough that when I did get it on my arms could rest at my side. Monthly I would play this game of trying on my special blue coat until I was finally able to unveil it at a party. The bastard finally fit in the winter, and not really the best of weather, but I could finally button it. That jacket, over time, became big, like super big. Like I was able to take the jacket and almost wrap it around me.
It was great to achieve that goal of mine, but my problem was that this goal I had also was a mind game of my happiness. I chose this jacket as my goal and when this weight goal was achieved, I would feel satisfied and successful. Well that did not work, but luckily the jacket is still too big. Over this past week I did find myself eating more and even wanting to have a glass of wine too as I figured, no way could we have gotten pregnant. Again with the sabotage. I was reminded by my trainer that 3 weeks before the wedding I stopped working out and had put on so much weight that I was totally uncomfortable in my tight wedding dress. I worried that something was going to happen and that I wasn't going to get married, so I wouldn't have to worry about fitting in a wedding dress. Such weird drama I put myself through, almost a bit of torture.
The good news is I am seeing this pattern in my life and I was able to find some inspiration over the week-end. Kent and I drove to Portland Oregon to cheer on my trainer and friend Chris as she was running the Portland marathon. This race was a big deal as she has this goal of qualifying for the Boston marathon. Early this year she ran the Vancouver marathon and missed the qualifying time by less than 50 seconds. 50 f*ing seconds. 26.2 miles and to miss it by 50 seconds, it was heart breaking for me. When she decided she was going to run the Portland race, I knew I had to be there. Her partner Shannon was going to be getting into Portland only hours before the race due to work, so I felt like Chris was going to need support. She has been my trainer for 6 years now and has helped me through my weight loss, dating life, training for 1/2 marathons and triathlons. I needed to be there for her, and for me too.
We arrived in Portland and picked her up to drive the course. I was tired just driving the course, let alone thinking about running it. It was decided where she felt she was going to need our cheering and support so Kent and I set out early that next morning to see her. I didn't sleep very well as I was totally nervous and then the spot she wanted us to cheer her on, we couldn't get to. Kent is awesome with navigating and he was able to get us to the mile 19 marker. We waited what seemed like an eternity, and then I spotted the group she was running with. I didn't spot her though, and I panicked. This was her pace group that she needed to run with in order to qualify. A few seconds of panic set in and then I saw her. I started screaming and waving my sign I made for her. I was jumping up and down and then my adrenaline kicked in. As she started running by me I just dropped everything and I jumped in the race. Now I am a big girl and I was wearing jeans, converse, a Dolly Parton hoodie and NOT a sports bra. I didn't care though. I just felt like I needed to talk to her and make sure she could hear me. She was laughing and telling me that she felt good and liked my outfit. I ran ahead, I felt like I was sprinting, just so that I could get this shot.
Here's a photo of me and Shannon getting ready to cheer Chris on!
After we left mile 19 we speeded all over Portland to make it to the finish line. Everything was roped off so I wasn't able to see her cross the finish line. I did see her though as she was exiting the course and you would have thought it was one of my kids out there. I was screaming again as she was in a sea of exhausted runners, some looking like they were on their death bed. Chris did amazing, she finished in under 3 hours and 44 minutes.
What I loved about watching those runners was the dedication I saw. The group that was around Chris's finishing time is sort of a special group of people, not what I would consider to be an average runner. You don't run 8 minute miles for 26.2 miles and be considered average. I don't see these runners as a competition for myself, what I see is a group of people with a goal. There is really inspiration around all of us and I feel as if my poopy attitude is clearing and I am able to see how truly blessed I am. So what if I have PCOS and it might take awhile to get pregnant. So what if I lose a pound a month. Right now it's about taking care of myself and having a good time along the way.
It was great to achieve that goal of mine, but my problem was that this goal I had also was a mind game of my happiness. I chose this jacket as my goal and when this weight goal was achieved, I would feel satisfied and successful. Well that did not work, but luckily the jacket is still too big. Over this past week I did find myself eating more and even wanting to have a glass of wine too as I figured, no way could we have gotten pregnant. Again with the sabotage. I was reminded by my trainer that 3 weeks before the wedding I stopped working out and had put on so much weight that I was totally uncomfortable in my tight wedding dress. I worried that something was going to happen and that I wasn't going to get married, so I wouldn't have to worry about fitting in a wedding dress. Such weird drama I put myself through, almost a bit of torture.
The good news is I am seeing this pattern in my life and I was able to find some inspiration over the week-end. Kent and I drove to Portland Oregon to cheer on my trainer and friend Chris as she was running the Portland marathon. This race was a big deal as she has this goal of qualifying for the Boston marathon. Early this year she ran the Vancouver marathon and missed the qualifying time by less than 50 seconds. 50 f*ing seconds. 26.2 miles and to miss it by 50 seconds, it was heart breaking for me. When she decided she was going to run the Portland race, I knew I had to be there. Her partner Shannon was going to be getting into Portland only hours before the race due to work, so I felt like Chris was going to need support. She has been my trainer for 6 years now and has helped me through my weight loss, dating life, training for 1/2 marathons and triathlons. I needed to be there for her, and for me too.
We arrived in Portland and picked her up to drive the course. I was tired just driving the course, let alone thinking about running it. It was decided where she felt she was going to need our cheering and support so Kent and I set out early that next morning to see her. I didn't sleep very well as I was totally nervous and then the spot she wanted us to cheer her on, we couldn't get to. Kent is awesome with navigating and he was able to get us to the mile 19 marker. We waited what seemed like an eternity, and then I spotted the group she was running with. I didn't spot her though, and I panicked. This was her pace group that she needed to run with in order to qualify. A few seconds of panic set in and then I saw her. I started screaming and waving my sign I made for her. I was jumping up and down and then my adrenaline kicked in. As she started running by me I just dropped everything and I jumped in the race. Now I am a big girl and I was wearing jeans, converse, a Dolly Parton hoodie and NOT a sports bra. I didn't care though. I just felt like I needed to talk to her and make sure she could hear me. She was laughing and telling me that she felt good and liked my outfit. I ran ahead, I felt like I was sprinting, just so that I could get this shot.
Here's a photo of me and Shannon getting ready to cheer Chris on!
After we left mile 19 we speeded all over Portland to make it to the finish line. Everything was roped off so I wasn't able to see her cross the finish line. I did see her though as she was exiting the course and you would have thought it was one of my kids out there. I was screaming again as she was in a sea of exhausted runners, some looking like they were on their death bed. Chris did amazing, she finished in under 3 hours and 44 minutes.
What I loved about watching those runners was the dedication I saw. The group that was around Chris's finishing time is sort of a special group of people, not what I would consider to be an average runner. You don't run 8 minute miles for 26.2 miles and be considered average. I don't see these runners as a competition for myself, what I see is a group of people with a goal. There is really inspiration around all of us and I feel as if my poopy attitude is clearing and I am able to see how truly blessed I am. So what if I have PCOS and it might take awhile to get pregnant. So what if I lose a pound a month. Right now it's about taking care of myself and having a good time along the way.
What have you done today....
...to make you feel proud? Alright people, it is here. My official start off of what I hope to be a healthy transition with my weight, my mentality and my emotional eating.
Tonight is the start of The Biggest Loser. Kent and I have slated this date as also our start to kick off a new way of life for us. I've been doing my best to live in the moment and make positive changes. The Biggest Loser has been a show I have enjoyed watching and hoping that someday I will too have those successes. Some may find the TV show pathetic or have some form of judgement on it. Yes, they are big on their product endorsements. Yes, they find ways to get people to open up etc and have a good cry and Jillian can turn around and be their emotional support buddy. But, there also can be a form of inspiration in this show that is available if one is open to it. I don't like the "cattiness" of the game. It would be tough for me to compete in this show as I am always so happy when people have lost weight etc (except for that bitch Vicky from a few seasons ago. She was awful!)
My hope with today is that I will place myself on the top of my priority list. I have weekly goals for Kent and I to build on. This, being week one, is for us to keep a food journal of everything we eat. Of course we will want to be careful of what we are eating, get exercise etc. The main focus of this week though is to really be in the mindset of the foods we choose. Was I really hungry, or was it something else? Where could I have made a better choice? There is something that happens when you have to write everything down. You are more accountable. I plan on doing this as religiously as possible. I would like to continue it week by week as food is the thing for me.
So along with weighing ourselves this morning (YIKES) we also took these fabulous photos of ourselves.
Now I don't expect to see this incredible change over the season, we are not trying to lose 100+ pounds. Even subtle changes can make a world of difference for Kent and I. Our health is pretty good, but we both have gained weight, our clothes are too tight, and we just don't feel that great about ourselves. Along with the health benefits of losing weight I hope to also gain back some of that self-esteem that has dwindled over the past few years. I honestly thought that if I could just find someone to love me, get married etc., these negative feelings about myself would go away. How wrong was I! On a positive note I have been able to discover this quickly in our relationship and understand this is not the case, at least not for me it isn't. I also am serious about trying to get pregnant so getting healthier is a win-win for both myself and any future babies.
So here's to day one, of week one. I'm also having to plan for this evening as I have a cocktail party to go to and it doesn't end until 8:30pm. I am going to work on getting some food beforehand and somehow get some type of fitness in today. This is going to be tricky.
Tonight is the start of The Biggest Loser. Kent and I have slated this date as also our start to kick off a new way of life for us. I've been doing my best to live in the moment and make positive changes. The Biggest Loser has been a show I have enjoyed watching and hoping that someday I will too have those successes. Some may find the TV show pathetic or have some form of judgement on it. Yes, they are big on their product endorsements. Yes, they find ways to get people to open up etc and have a good cry and Jillian can turn around and be their emotional support buddy. But, there also can be a form of inspiration in this show that is available if one is open to it. I don't like the "cattiness" of the game. It would be tough for me to compete in this show as I am always so happy when people have lost weight etc (except for that bitch Vicky from a few seasons ago. She was awful!)
My hope with today is that I will place myself on the top of my priority list. I have weekly goals for Kent and I to build on. This, being week one, is for us to keep a food journal of everything we eat. Of course we will want to be careful of what we are eating, get exercise etc. The main focus of this week though is to really be in the mindset of the foods we choose. Was I really hungry, or was it something else? Where could I have made a better choice? There is something that happens when you have to write everything down. You are more accountable. I plan on doing this as religiously as possible. I would like to continue it week by week as food is the thing for me.
So along with weighing ourselves this morning (YIKES) we also took these fabulous photos of ourselves.
Now I don't expect to see this incredible change over the season, we are not trying to lose 100+ pounds. Even subtle changes can make a world of difference for Kent and I. Our health is pretty good, but we both have gained weight, our clothes are too tight, and we just don't feel that great about ourselves. Along with the health benefits of losing weight I hope to also gain back some of that self-esteem that has dwindled over the past few years. I honestly thought that if I could just find someone to love me, get married etc., these negative feelings about myself would go away. How wrong was I! On a positive note I have been able to discover this quickly in our relationship and understand this is not the case, at least not for me it isn't. I also am serious about trying to get pregnant so getting healthier is a win-win for both myself and any future babies.
So here's to day one, of week one. I'm also having to plan for this evening as I have a cocktail party to go to and it doesn't end until 8:30pm. I am going to work on getting some food beforehand and somehow get some type of fitness in today. This is going to be tricky.
Just a spoonful of sugar...
This delightful tune is playing over in my head today and I am doing my best to stay positive and proactive. I'm also back on my Metformin and that crap makes me so nauseated.
I love the three comments (holy crap..3!) that I received yesterday and it only reconfirms that I am really not alone in this game of life. For years I have wanted to belong to a group...I'm just a white chick from Montana, nothing terribly special. I'm slowly realizing though that it takes an openness and honesty in this world today to realize how similar many of us are and the life obstacles we each face. Thank you to those of you around me and to those of you who put your words out there for the world to see. We really are not as alone as it may appear.
Also, thank you to my husband Kent who has been a serious trooper these past weeks and lets me speak what is on my mind.
I love the three comments (holy crap..3!) that I received yesterday and it only reconfirms that I am really not alone in this game of life. For years I have wanted to belong to a group...I'm just a white chick from Montana, nothing terribly special. I'm slowly realizing though that it takes an openness and honesty in this world today to realize how similar many of us are and the life obstacles we each face. Thank you to those of you around me and to those of you who put your words out there for the world to see. We really are not as alone as it may appear.
Also, thank you to my husband Kent who has been a serious trooper these past weeks and lets me speak what is on my mind.
