Here Comes The Sun...

Doo doo doo doo...here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right. Since about the age of 18 I have kept a journal on and off. One tradition that I have held steady with is an entry on December 31st that generally sums up my year, sort of an annual report to myself on life. For this entry I don't hash out the bad and beat myself up, but it is usually eye opening when I have time to process encounters and see them with either more time, more wisdom or less emotions. I am a processor, a thinker, a constant scenario player in my head. Here's the thing about this particular year...I don't want to process it. I have been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year. The emotions have been to the extreme, like flying from Antarctica to the Equator in 4 hours. I really don't want to relive this as it has been a giant drag. I've been out of control emotionally, physically with food and mentally with visions of negativity that have plagued me for months. I'm tired of it.

Right now the goal is to focus on the good, what I have in life that so many times I just don't recognize. My optimism for this next year is pretty high right now. Kent and I are focused as a team to get ourselves back on track. We have a plan for our food intake and fitness. I have menus weekly coming to me and Bootcamp 3x a week that should help jump start us. We look forward to moving in the next 4-8 months into a bigger home and finally getting that grown up King sized bed we've dreamed about. Our priorities are shifting and this is a good thing. I think 2010 will be the year of me. I tend to be last on my list, but not this year. My focus is going to have to be continually on me, something that I am not use to. The focus is simple though---healthy food, exercise/fitness daily, mental relaxation and calming of life's woes. Sounds easy? Truthfully, once I put my mind to something I can do it. It is just getting started which is tough. I have been so bummed every time I work out lately as I am in the worst shape that I have been in for the past 5 years. When I run I feel my second ass hit my back. I mean seriously, it has gotten bad. Six years ago I went from jogging for 30 seconds to 1/2 marathons, so I know I have it in me. There's a little athlete inside me who has been struggling with life for the past year. I'm over letting things like fertility issues, family stress etc bog me down to the point of being unable to move. Moving is what will help me stay on focus, so it is time to start baby steps again towards the old Lisa.

I'm grateful for my friends, family and Kent for staying by my side as these past few months have wore me down. I can not wait to get back on track and start to feel better about myself. I don't want to talk about the fertility options and stress that will come with this. I want to hopefully remind myself every month that doing the best I can is my only option and true choice. I have no control over the actual process, but I do have control over how I "process" these monthly emotional roller coasters. Somehow I am going to beg for peace within myself and my body.

May 2010 bless all of us, or at least allow us to see our blessings.