Here it is, the end of 2010 and my final journal entry. It is a ritual of mine and I should be getting my work clothes unpacked and ironed, as sadly I return to work on Monday. Yet this has always been important to me, and baby Carter is sleeping so now is my chance.
I think the word Hope really sums up my 2010. I quickly scanned my posts from this past year, and there were definitely fewer, but so much has happened. My last years recap was not even a recap, it was a goal of hope and to rediscover myself. Even though we had only been trying to get pregnant for 7 months, I felt so sad and lost towards the end of the year. The only thing I knew I was in control of was how to handle the things I truly can control- how I exercised, what we ate, the amount of down time we had and the quality time we spent together as a couple. This was how Kent and I set ourselves up for the start of 2010. We did succeed in this as well. I joined bootcamp, we started looking at vacations and then booked one to Palm Springs. Something crazy happened though, something totally unexpected but completely welcomed, we got pregnant. Everything changed from here. All of those negative thoughts I had about my body were pushed aside and I found the use of hope and a little prayer for the next 8 1/2 months (since we were already almost 7 weeks pregnant before we found out).
In that 8 1/2 months we bought a home, spent the entire time and are STILL renovating it (but it is SO close), and we had a baby. We didn't just have any baby, we had the most perfect baby that was made for us. I will find myself staring at Carter and thinking to myself, I am somebody's mommy. I have never in my life felt this happy, this content. I love to watch Kent play with Carter and to see the joy on my parent's faces. Carter is amazing. He is that baby that we can take out to restaurants, go shopping etc. I know this won't last forever, but we are soaking it up as much as we can.
The past few weeks I have been so sad that I have to go back to work. I would look at the Christmas decorations and just cry as I realized that only one week after Christmas, I would have to leave Carter. Now that I am only a few days away I have had to make some peace with it. I have basically tried to prepare my house, my duties, my life etc for this new change. I know that I must go back to work, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am trying to be positive about it though and see that this will be good for our family. Eventually I know that I would become too antsy to be a stay at home mom. We truly can't afford it and I could feel myself ever so slightly getting frustrated with Kent. Kent is a great help, but when you are on baby duty from 6am to 11:30pm, it can grow a little old. I need a little piece of the day carved out for myself. I'm hoping that work, socializing with co-workers and patients etc will give me a little bit of the "old Lisa" back. I am also only 6 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm looking forward to taking walks on my lunch break and having a little more discipline with my fitness in the evening. I basically am trying to find the "old Lisa" from April 2009. This is when Kent and I were in Italy, and it was the start of trying to get pregnant. This Lisa was healthier, and that is my goal. Plus, little Carter is going to want a little brother or sister, so my goal of weight loss is truly for the sake of getting pregnant again. It scares me to write that, but now that I know we CAN get pregnant, that makes it a lot easier to wrestle with.
My hope is going to carry through to 2011. I'm hopeful that this peaceful mindset that I have will continue. My outlook is so different on life, now that Carter Davis is in this world. Kent and I are still strong as a couple, but it is different. We are a threesome, a fabulous and fun threesome. I pray to myself that whoever is watching out for me continues to watch out for the three of us. I'm hopeful that 2011 will be a year filled with love and good health.
Showing posts with label New Years. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Years. Show all posts
Just Breathe
Kent and I had a great week-end. New Year's Day we woke up without hangovers (I was the designated driver..how responsible of me). I made us a yummy egg and bacon panini and we sat around and relaxed. We were invited to two separate eating events, one traditional Scottish the other traditional Japanese. Let's just say that by the end of the evening my gut was freakin' out.
Our first meal was at 1pm, a traditional Scottish meal served by a long lost roommate of Kent's that he reunited with in the parking lot of a Dick's drive-in (sounds dirty, but it's a burger joint). The couple, Peyton and Aimee love to travel and this traditional meal of Haggis, Neeps and Tatties and Mushy Peas is a tradition for them. Peyton happens to be a pretty gourmet cook and he scoured the land for the ingredients of haggis, which is a dish containing sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours. Peyton came up with about 70% of the ingredients to make it, which by the way I don't really want to know were, but struck out and found a place in Oregon who ships fresh haggis. I will have it known that when they invited us over and told us the menu I said yes, we will come, but no, we will not eat. I've always been a sucker for peer pressure and Kent and I found ourselves be talked into trying it. The haggis was sliced and then fried and covered in brown gravy. I took all of 2 bites, but I did it. This wasn't on my NY's resolutions, but damn it, I'm penciling it in because who in the hell would have thought I would ever accomplish that. The Neeps and Tatties are basically mashed yellow turnip or rutabaga and potatoes. The mushy peas were mushy peas with a mint sauce. I liked the side dishes very much. It was a fun lunch complete with homemade creme brulee and good conversation.
I'm so bummed I left my camera, but here's something I stole off of wikipedia
After our first eating event we stopped off at my friend Susan's to see her no named baby who has since been given the name Jayce. He is just a little nugget who was sitting with dad and that was fine by us. Those brand new ones freak us out, so fragile! Our visit was short as we headed to our friends Chris and Shannon's house for Sukiyaki. I love this dish. It is basically very thin slices of beef in a yummy broth with vegetables, crazy vegetables that I don't have a clue what I am eating, but they taste great. You leave the table bloated like a crazy woman from all of the soy sauce, but it is totally worth it. Every time Chris's mom Sumiko comes to town I ask for a lesson to this dish, but I realize she doesn't measure, she just pours things in. I'm a cook only if I have an exact recipe.
The rest of our week-end was spent organizing, love it! and relaxing. It was so nice to have some time off to tackle some projects and then enjoy a movie. We went and looked at a couple of houses, but this is just not an easy task as housing is a nightmare in Seattle. I questioned if we should live in the suburbs, but I just don't see that happening. I'm so close to downtown that I could walk...not that I ever have, but the point is that I can. One house looked like it was 30 miles from downtown (an exaggeration, yes, but I could never walk that far). This moving this is sort of scary for me. I struggle with change, but it will be fun to live in a new part of town. More than likely we will be renting a home, which is fine as we will still have our current home. I hate the idea of paying a strangers mortgage, but it is a temporary thing. We are both breathing, relaxing, eating well and taking care of ourselves. This is our only job for the time being.
Our first meal was at 1pm, a traditional Scottish meal served by a long lost roommate of Kent's that he reunited with in the parking lot of a Dick's drive-in (sounds dirty, but it's a burger joint). The couple, Peyton and Aimee love to travel and this traditional meal of Haggis, Neeps and Tatties and Mushy Peas is a tradition for them. Peyton happens to be a pretty gourmet cook and he scoured the land for the ingredients of haggis, which is a dish containing sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours. Peyton came up with about 70% of the ingredients to make it, which by the way I don't really want to know were, but struck out and found a place in Oregon who ships fresh haggis. I will have it known that when they invited us over and told us the menu I said yes, we will come, but no, we will not eat. I've always been a sucker for peer pressure and Kent and I found ourselves be talked into trying it. The haggis was sliced and then fried and covered in brown gravy. I took all of 2 bites, but I did it. This wasn't on my NY's resolutions, but damn it, I'm penciling it in because who in the hell would have thought I would ever accomplish that. The Neeps and Tatties are basically mashed yellow turnip or rutabaga and potatoes. The mushy peas were mushy peas with a mint sauce. I liked the side dishes very much. It was a fun lunch complete with homemade creme brulee and good conversation.
I'm so bummed I left my camera, but here's something I stole off of wikipedia
After our first eating event we stopped off at my friend Susan's to see her no named baby who has since been given the name Jayce. He is just a little nugget who was sitting with dad and that was fine by us. Those brand new ones freak us out, so fragile! Our visit was short as we headed to our friends Chris and Shannon's house for Sukiyaki. I love this dish. It is basically very thin slices of beef in a yummy broth with vegetables, crazy vegetables that I don't have a clue what I am eating, but they taste great. You leave the table bloated like a crazy woman from all of the soy sauce, but it is totally worth it. Every time Chris's mom Sumiko comes to town I ask for a lesson to this dish, but I realize she doesn't measure, she just pours things in. I'm a cook only if I have an exact recipe.
The rest of our week-end was spent organizing, love it! and relaxing. It was so nice to have some time off to tackle some projects and then enjoy a movie. We went and looked at a couple of houses, but this is just not an easy task as housing is a nightmare in Seattle. I questioned if we should live in the suburbs, but I just don't see that happening. I'm so close to downtown that I could walk...not that I ever have, but the point is that I can. One house looked like it was 30 miles from downtown (an exaggeration, yes, but I could never walk that far). This moving this is sort of scary for me. I struggle with change, but it will be fun to live in a new part of town. More than likely we will be renting a home, which is fine as we will still have our current home. I hate the idea of paying a strangers mortgage, but it is a temporary thing. We are both breathing, relaxing, eating well and taking care of ourselves. This is our only job for the time being.
Here Comes The Sun...
Doo doo doo doo...here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right. Since about the age of 18 I have kept a journal on and off. One tradition that I have held steady with is an entry on December 31st that generally sums up my year, sort of an annual report to myself on life. For this entry I don't hash out the bad and beat myself up, but it is usually eye opening when I have time to process encounters and see them with either more time, more wisdom or less emotions. I am a processor, a thinker, a constant scenario player in my head. Here's the thing about this particular year...I don't want to process it. I have been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year. The emotions have been to the extreme, like flying from Antarctica to the Equator in 4 hours. I really don't want to relive this as it has been a giant drag. I've been out of control emotionally, physically with food and mentally with visions of negativity that have plagued me for months. I'm tired of it.
Right now the goal is to focus on the good, what I have in life that so many times I just don't recognize. My optimism for this next year is pretty high right now. Kent and I are focused as a team to get ourselves back on track. We have a plan for our food intake and fitness. I have menus weekly coming to me and Bootcamp 3x a week that should help jump start us. We look forward to moving in the next 4-8 months into a bigger home and finally getting that grown up King sized bed we've dreamed about. Our priorities are shifting and this is a good thing. I think 2010 will be the year of me. I tend to be last on my list, but not this year. My focus is going to have to be continually on me, something that I am not use to. The focus is simple though---healthy food, exercise/fitness daily, mental relaxation and calming of life's woes. Sounds easy? Truthfully, once I put my mind to something I can do it. It is just getting started which is tough. I have been so bummed every time I work out lately as I am in the worst shape that I have been in for the past 5 years. When I run I feel my second ass hit my back. I mean seriously, it has gotten bad. Six years ago I went from jogging for 30 seconds to 1/2 marathons, so I know I have it in me. There's a little athlete inside me who has been struggling with life for the past year. I'm over letting things like fertility issues, family stress etc bog me down to the point of being unable to move. Moving is what will help me stay on focus, so it is time to start baby steps again towards the old Lisa.
I'm grateful for my friends, family and Kent for staying by my side as these past few months have wore me down. I can not wait to get back on track and start to feel better about myself. I don't want to talk about the fertility options and stress that will come with this. I want to hopefully remind myself every month that doing the best I can is my only option and true choice. I have no control over the actual process, but I do have control over how I "process" these monthly emotional roller coasters. Somehow I am going to beg for peace within myself and my body.
May 2010 bless all of us, or at least allow us to see our blessings.
Right now the goal is to focus on the good, what I have in life that so many times I just don't recognize. My optimism for this next year is pretty high right now. Kent and I are focused as a team to get ourselves back on track. We have a plan for our food intake and fitness. I have menus weekly coming to me and Bootcamp 3x a week that should help jump start us. We look forward to moving in the next 4-8 months into a bigger home and finally getting that grown up King sized bed we've dreamed about. Our priorities are shifting and this is a good thing. I think 2010 will be the year of me. I tend to be last on my list, but not this year. My focus is going to have to be continually on me, something that I am not use to. The focus is simple though---healthy food, exercise/fitness daily, mental relaxation and calming of life's woes. Sounds easy? Truthfully, once I put my mind to something I can do it. It is just getting started which is tough. I have been so bummed every time I work out lately as I am in the worst shape that I have been in for the past 5 years. When I run I feel my second ass hit my back. I mean seriously, it has gotten bad. Six years ago I went from jogging for 30 seconds to 1/2 marathons, so I know I have it in me. There's a little athlete inside me who has been struggling with life for the past year. I'm over letting things like fertility issues, family stress etc bog me down to the point of being unable to move. Moving is what will help me stay on focus, so it is time to start baby steps again towards the old Lisa.
I'm grateful for my friends, family and Kent for staying by my side as these past few months have wore me down. I can not wait to get back on track and start to feel better about myself. I don't want to talk about the fertility options and stress that will come with this. I want to hopefully remind myself every month that doing the best I can is my only option and true choice. I have no control over the actual process, but I do have control over how I "process" these monthly emotional roller coasters. Somehow I am going to beg for peace within myself and my body.
May 2010 bless all of us, or at least allow us to see our blessings.
6 days and counting...
Kent and I are on track again and we have been to the gym 4x this week. The last day we went I really did not want to go. My legs were tired and I haven't been sleeping very well. Kent pretty much demanded, which is a great thing, and I'm glad we did go. I love how quiet our gym is in the evening. We do go later, around 8:30pm and it is perfect for me. I am comfortable doing any exercise, I have no intimidation factor about my size or abilities and we pretty much have the gym to ourselves. On Thursday night I went into trainer mode and I did a fabulous circuit. I went from the rowing machine, to the elliptical, to running for 5 minutes and then to running the stairs in the gym. My trainer use to have me running all over my previous gym at peak hours. People would be annoyed at me as I was literally running the real stairs to get to the different levels of the gym. Anyone who has ever really trained knows that the stair master is not equivalent to a running/walking a true flight of stairs. I felt great after we were finished and I am loving how we are feeling about ourselves again.
Kent and I have been focused in all areas of our life, like cooking healthy, living in a budget and laughing a ton. I honestly think the two of us have laughed more this week than we have in quite some time. It feels good to laugh and to be on the same page, the same team. We have overcome some crazy times over the past few weeks. With the snow drama, a sort of sad holiday, and now trying to get over this dismal economy and keep both of our jobs afloat it is probably good that we are getting in our fitness and taking care of ourselves. Here is a fun picture of us in the snow one night. We had tickets to the Color Purple and I was not going to miss that show. I have wanted to see it for years and it was fabulous!
Unfortunately you can not tell how much snow we had. Kent and I went to a performance in jeans, puffy jackets and tennis shoes because we didn't think we would even be able to get downtown. It was a little scary and dangerous, but the show was well worth it. So many people couldn't drive to the theatre that we ended up moving to the 5th row..and we had the whole row to ourselves.
The New Year is now upon us and I have been working very hard on being positive. Tonight we had dinner and discussed our future for the year and I think we are going to be fine. We are going to be better than fine because we have one another. More than likely we will move out of our home and rent another home. We will keep our triplex and continue to look forward to the money benefits down the road. Kent and I are actually fine with the idea of renting a house for a few years. This will allow us to get into a home and feel comfortable having a baby. We also won't feel the pressure this economy is having on us and feel trapped into accepting an offer on our home that is just not appropriate. Kent has worked so many years on restoring this house that it just does not feel right to me to sell it quickly and for something that is under its value. I know we are going to be ok because we have one another. Sure we would like to be able to buy a home and renovate it; this is what Kent does for a living. The more I think about it though we have many, many more years together to do this.
Kent and I took this picture on NY's Eve. I really like it because I do think it is a good representation of us...a little smiley, sometimes sparkly and always side by side.
Kent and I have been focused in all areas of our life, like cooking healthy, living in a budget and laughing a ton. I honestly think the two of us have laughed more this week than we have in quite some time. It feels good to laugh and to be on the same page, the same team. We have overcome some crazy times over the past few weeks. With the snow drama, a sort of sad holiday, and now trying to get over this dismal economy and keep both of our jobs afloat it is probably good that we are getting in our fitness and taking care of ourselves. Here is a fun picture of us in the snow one night. We had tickets to the Color Purple and I was not going to miss that show. I have wanted to see it for years and it was fabulous!
Unfortunately you can not tell how much snow we had. Kent and I went to a performance in jeans, puffy jackets and tennis shoes because we didn't think we would even be able to get downtown. It was a little scary and dangerous, but the show was well worth it. So many people couldn't drive to the theatre that we ended up moving to the 5th row..and we had the whole row to ourselves.
The New Year is now upon us and I have been working very hard on being positive. Tonight we had dinner and discussed our future for the year and I think we are going to be fine. We are going to be better than fine because we have one another. More than likely we will move out of our home and rent another home. We will keep our triplex and continue to look forward to the money benefits down the road. Kent and I are actually fine with the idea of renting a house for a few years. This will allow us to get into a home and feel comfortable having a baby. We also won't feel the pressure this economy is having on us and feel trapped into accepting an offer on our home that is just not appropriate. Kent has worked so many years on restoring this house that it just does not feel right to me to sell it quickly and for something that is under its value. I know we are going to be ok because we have one another. Sure we would like to be able to buy a home and renovate it; this is what Kent does for a living. The more I think about it though we have many, many more years together to do this.
Kent and I took this picture on NY's Eve. I really like it because I do think it is a good representation of us...a little smiley, sometimes sparkly and always side by side.
City of Blinding Lights....
Why am I calling my end of the year entry this? It is one of my favorite U2 songs which just started playing and it is my wish that 2009 will be blinding with hope, love, change and a coming together of the world.
The past 2 weeks have been really tough for me. I have missed deadlines at work, became sick, was trapped by snow for several days and sort of just let Christmas pass me by. I feel like today I am finally waking up from a sort of coma. I think this coma was somewhat self-induced, but never less, I am just ready for January to come.
2008...probably the most exciting and nerve wracking year of my life so far. I could write pages and pages about my experiences of allowing myself to love my husband and to be loved by him. I am so fortunate to have Kent in my life and he loves me for all of the craziness and goofiness that surrounds me. Our wedding in July was such an amazing experience. I have never felt that much love and positive energy in one room. We had friends and family travel from all over to experience this day with us. I felt a bit guilty about the time and cost for people, but to be walking down the aisle and seeing everyone was priceless. I loved having people tell me how wonderful the wedding was and how much fun they had. This was our whole purpose in our planning. Kent and I had been single for many years prior so our friends and family have played a crucial role in our lives. This wedding was just as exciting for our guests as it was for us. I will forever remember that day as this pivotal point in my life where I have allowed myself to surrender these beliefs I have about acceptance, weight, love and worthiness. I still reach for these insecurities once in awhile, but bad habits truly are hard to erase.
I, along with most of the world, have felt an enormous impact regarding the security of our surroundings and our future. Money is such a frustrating thing. I was thinking this morning about how luxurious money felt while we were planning the wedding. Luxurious might be an odd word but when these large invoices and bids would be coming in for catering I would think nothing of it. My parents were so generous finacially, but Kent and I still paid a great sum for the wedding. I look at the wedding ring on my hand and it literally cost as much as my car. 6 months later I have a different vision of money, a bit more respect for its ability to provide security and peace. Our house went on the market right as the banks were in trouble and needed to be bailed out. I spent 3 months keeping this house spotless and hoping every night when I came home from work I would find a business card from a visiting agent. The cards slowly stopped appearing and it became apparent that our home was not going to sell. It is not your typical home so it needs to appeal to an investor, not a family. Investing stopped or slowed significantly and our vision of finding a new home stopped. As frustrating as this may be, I have been able to find some gratitude in our situation. If our home would have sold we would have been pretty much debt free and have a reasonable down payment. We would have been able to take 4 vacations in 7 months (Cabo, Palm Springs, New Orleans, Napa/Carmel/San Francisco and have a super expensive wedding without any debt. There would not have been the lesson that we are learning now..the lesson called a budget. As bizarre and embarrassing as this is to write, I have never really lived on a budget. If I want something, I usually get it, except my trip to France in High School--but that's another post. Now that we are saddled with more debt than we generally have it has become a challenge to pay it off. Not a challenge like, holy crap how are we going to pay our bills, but more of a challenge in making good decisions on where to put our money. One of my favorite lessons of 2008...budgeting!
As I am getting older I am realizing that I am turning into a worrier. I keep thinking to myself that everything that has happened in my life over the past 2 years has been so great, so when is that bad going to follow? Ups and downs are just a part of life, but I have sort of become that person who quickly analyzes and thinks through about the "what if's." Those things that I can't control are slowly grating me. I am like a 4 year old who constantly asks their mom "Why?" I am just saying "What if...?" It drives my husband crazy and it is really starting to get to me. My real goal for 2009 is to just take my life one day at a time and to realize that I am far more capable to handle diress than I think I am. It is sort of like the first day of a new quarter in college and you would get that syllabus and think, "There is no way in hell I can do all this!" Well somehow you get it done because you have no choice. I don't really like to give up, so I am really going to have a shift in thought and do my best to focus on the postives and the goals and not the what if's. I can't control everything so I will put my faith in the universe and hope it dishes out something reasonable.
Health. Really, I am not going to waste any time on this. I bitch so much about my weight anymore that I can't even stand to be around myself. My husband catches me freaking out about how tight my jeans are and feels frustrated for me, and for him. Along with having a gluttony of money/finances/spending we were so gluttonous with food and wine. Once that wedding was over and we fit into our suit/dress it was game on. We started on the honeymoon and have continued on. I did break a bone in my foot which really prevented me from doing any exercise, so I pretty much just lifted my hand to my mouth as a method of calorie burning for the past 4 months. We feel motivated though. We are frustrated with how we look, how we feel and the fact that we sort of just gave up on ourselves. I know that I personally slid very far on my list of things to take care of. I am ready to rewrite that list though and try to make some positive choices. I am not trying to have a massive/major makeover. I am still about 65 pounds lighter than I was 4 years ago. I know what I am capable of, because I have done it before. It is such hard work though and that does grow old. What I think grows old quicker though is the constant beating up on myself about the size of my legs or my tummy that is not a flat as it use to be. Plus my boobs are out of control..like if I go up another letter I will throw myself off a bridge (not really- but please Lord don't increse these watermelons another letter!)
My future...it is blinding with possiblity and I look forward to what is ahead. I actually have a partner in crime to plan things with and I can officially no longer check single on my tax returns! I have a husband to be my emergency contact and I love that! As pathetic as it may sound I am really just loving this little world that I am building with Kent. My dreams are big and my life and reality are only better. To 2009...may you bless all of us with peace, hope, triumph and a vision that is blinding with opportunity.
San Francisco. I love this picture because it is sunny and my tan husband is in front of a giant heart. You know this took some pleading to get this shot.
The past 2 weeks have been really tough for me. I have missed deadlines at work, became sick, was trapped by snow for several days and sort of just let Christmas pass me by. I feel like today I am finally waking up from a sort of coma. I think this coma was somewhat self-induced, but never less, I am just ready for January to come.
2008...probably the most exciting and nerve wracking year of my life so far. I could write pages and pages about my experiences of allowing myself to love my husband and to be loved by him. I am so fortunate to have Kent in my life and he loves me for all of the craziness and goofiness that surrounds me. Our wedding in July was such an amazing experience. I have never felt that much love and positive energy in one room. We had friends and family travel from all over to experience this day with us. I felt a bit guilty about the time and cost for people, but to be walking down the aisle and seeing everyone was priceless. I loved having people tell me how wonderful the wedding was and how much fun they had. This was our whole purpose in our planning. Kent and I had been single for many years prior so our friends and family have played a crucial role in our lives. This wedding was just as exciting for our guests as it was for us. I will forever remember that day as this pivotal point in my life where I have allowed myself to surrender these beliefs I have about acceptance, weight, love and worthiness. I still reach for these insecurities once in awhile, but bad habits truly are hard to erase.
I, along with most of the world, have felt an enormous impact regarding the security of our surroundings and our future. Money is such a frustrating thing. I was thinking this morning about how luxurious money felt while we were planning the wedding. Luxurious might be an odd word but when these large invoices and bids would be coming in for catering I would think nothing of it. My parents were so generous finacially, but Kent and I still paid a great sum for the wedding. I look at the wedding ring on my hand and it literally cost as much as my car. 6 months later I have a different vision of money, a bit more respect for its ability to provide security and peace. Our house went on the market right as the banks were in trouble and needed to be bailed out. I spent 3 months keeping this house spotless and hoping every night when I came home from work I would find a business card from a visiting agent. The cards slowly stopped appearing and it became apparent that our home was not going to sell. It is not your typical home so it needs to appeal to an investor, not a family. Investing stopped or slowed significantly and our vision of finding a new home stopped. As frustrating as this may be, I have been able to find some gratitude in our situation. If our home would have sold we would have been pretty much debt free and have a reasonable down payment. We would have been able to take 4 vacations in 7 months (Cabo, Palm Springs, New Orleans, Napa/Carmel/San Francisco and have a super expensive wedding without any debt. There would not have been the lesson that we are learning now..the lesson called a budget. As bizarre and embarrassing as this is to write, I have never really lived on a budget. If I want something, I usually get it, except my trip to France in High School--but that's another post. Now that we are saddled with more debt than we generally have it has become a challenge to pay it off. Not a challenge like, holy crap how are we going to pay our bills, but more of a challenge in making good decisions on where to put our money. One of my favorite lessons of 2008...budgeting!
As I am getting older I am realizing that I am turning into a worrier. I keep thinking to myself that everything that has happened in my life over the past 2 years has been so great, so when is that bad going to follow? Ups and downs are just a part of life, but I have sort of become that person who quickly analyzes and thinks through about the "what if's." Those things that I can't control are slowly grating me. I am like a 4 year old who constantly asks their mom "Why?" I am just saying "What if...?" It drives my husband crazy and it is really starting to get to me. My real goal for 2009 is to just take my life one day at a time and to realize that I am far more capable to handle diress than I think I am. It is sort of like the first day of a new quarter in college and you would get that syllabus and think, "There is no way in hell I can do all this!" Well somehow you get it done because you have no choice. I don't really like to give up, so I am really going to have a shift in thought and do my best to focus on the postives and the goals and not the what if's. I can't control everything so I will put my faith in the universe and hope it dishes out something reasonable.
Health. Really, I am not going to waste any time on this. I bitch so much about my weight anymore that I can't even stand to be around myself. My husband catches me freaking out about how tight my jeans are and feels frustrated for me, and for him. Along with having a gluttony of money/finances/spending we were so gluttonous with food and wine. Once that wedding was over and we fit into our suit/dress it was game on. We started on the honeymoon and have continued on. I did break a bone in my foot which really prevented me from doing any exercise, so I pretty much just lifted my hand to my mouth as a method of calorie burning for the past 4 months. We feel motivated though. We are frustrated with how we look, how we feel and the fact that we sort of just gave up on ourselves. I know that I personally slid very far on my list of things to take care of. I am ready to rewrite that list though and try to make some positive choices. I am not trying to have a massive/major makeover. I am still about 65 pounds lighter than I was 4 years ago. I know what I am capable of, because I have done it before. It is such hard work though and that does grow old. What I think grows old quicker though is the constant beating up on myself about the size of my legs or my tummy that is not a flat as it use to be. Plus my boobs are out of control..like if I go up another letter I will throw myself off a bridge (not really- but please Lord don't increse these watermelons another letter!)
My future...it is blinding with possiblity and I look forward to what is ahead. I actually have a partner in crime to plan things with and I can officially no longer check single on my tax returns! I have a husband to be my emergency contact and I love that! As pathetic as it may sound I am really just loving this little world that I am building with Kent. My dreams are big and my life and reality are only better. To 2009...may you bless all of us with peace, hope, triumph and a vision that is blinding with opportunity.
San Francisco. I love this picture because it is sunny and my tan husband is in front of a giant heart. You know this took some pleading to get this shot.
