Here it is, the end of 2010 and my final journal entry. It is a ritual of mine and I should be getting my work clothes unpacked and ironed, as sadly I return to work on Monday. Yet this has always been important to me, and baby Carter is sleeping so now is my chance.
I think the word Hope really sums up my 2010. I quickly scanned my posts from this past year, and there were definitely fewer, but so much has happened. My last years recap was not even a recap, it was a goal of hope and to rediscover myself. Even though we had only been trying to get pregnant for 7 months, I felt so sad and lost towards the end of the year. The only thing I knew I was in control of was how to handle the things I truly can control- how I exercised, what we ate, the amount of down time we had and the quality time we spent together as a couple. This was how Kent and I set ourselves up for the start of 2010. We did succeed in this as well. I joined bootcamp, we started looking at vacations and then booked one to Palm Springs. Something crazy happened though, something totally unexpected but completely welcomed, we got pregnant. Everything changed from here. All of those negative thoughts I had about my body were pushed aside and I found the use of hope and a little prayer for the next 8 1/2 months (since we were already almost 7 weeks pregnant before we found out).
In that 8 1/2 months we bought a home, spent the entire time and are STILL renovating it (but it is SO close), and we had a baby. We didn't just have any baby, we had the most perfect baby that was made for us. I will find myself staring at Carter and thinking to myself, I am somebody's mommy. I have never in my life felt this happy, this content. I love to watch Kent play with Carter and to see the joy on my parent's faces. Carter is amazing. He is that baby that we can take out to restaurants, go shopping etc. I know this won't last forever, but we are soaking it up as much as we can.
The past few weeks I have been so sad that I have to go back to work. I would look at the Christmas decorations and just cry as I realized that only one week after Christmas, I would have to leave Carter. Now that I am only a few days away I have had to make some peace with it. I have basically tried to prepare my house, my duties, my life etc for this new change. I know that I must go back to work, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am trying to be positive about it though and see that this will be good for our family. Eventually I know that I would become too antsy to be a stay at home mom. We truly can't afford it and I could feel myself ever so slightly getting frustrated with Kent. Kent is a great help, but when you are on baby duty from 6am to 11:30pm, it can grow a little old. I need a little piece of the day carved out for myself. I'm hoping that work, socializing with co-workers and patients etc will give me a little bit of the "old Lisa" back. I am also only 6 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm looking forward to taking walks on my lunch break and having a little more discipline with my fitness in the evening. I basically am trying to find the "old Lisa" from April 2009. This is when Kent and I were in Italy, and it was the start of trying to get pregnant. This Lisa was healthier, and that is my goal. Plus, little Carter is going to want a little brother or sister, so my goal of weight loss is truly for the sake of getting pregnant again. It scares me to write that, but now that I know we CAN get pregnant, that makes it a lot easier to wrestle with.
My hope is going to carry through to 2011. I'm hopeful that this peaceful mindset that I have will continue. My outlook is so different on life, now that Carter Davis is in this world. Kent and I are still strong as a couple, but it is different. We are a threesome, a fabulous and fun threesome. I pray to myself that whoever is watching out for me continues to watch out for the three of us. I'm hopeful that 2011 will be a year filled with love and good health.
Happiness
For so many years I felt content, sometimes a little sad or worried, but for most of my life I have been content. The biggest struggle I have had is my weight and my acceptance of myself and my body. That has been a major pitfall and the amount of years spent wasted on the hell my bigger body has caused is embarrassing and almost tragic. Something started changing 4 years ago, I started changing. Yes I had lost some weight and found some new motivation in myself. I sort of just stopped "thinking" about everything and starting doing things, making changes. Meeting Kent and then marrying him was the smartest and best decision I have made to date. Last night as Carter was fussing and Kent kept getting out of bed and rocking him to sleep I was struck by how happy I was. My days are limited with Carter and I hanging out at home and that does make me cry, but I know it is going to be OK. What I am so struck by is that my happiness is not centered around a smaller body (I still have quite a bit of weight to lose), it's not about an upcoming vacation or new piece of furniture. My happiness is centered around my family. I love to say that word, my family. I have a family, one I have created myself, not that I was born into. I don't really care about what the fall's latest fashions are, or if I should have highlighted my hair differently or what Anglelina and Brad are up to. What I care about the most is the two men in my life, both who bring me more joy than they know.
Usually around the holidays I get really stressed/upset. This year I have felt so mellow. We have several stops on Christmas Eve and then we will end up at our home with a few friends coming over for dinner. If something happens and nobody can make it, than I am fine with that too. I have everything I need in my home right now, pure love. I swear that Carter knows exactly when he needs to smile, or make a little cooing noise. I love how Kent and Carter are total buddies and make one another laugh. This is what I want for Christmas, my family. I don't really care about the presents, or the decorations. These memories we are creating are by far my favorite thing.
There is something so refreshing for me that I am happy, I am truly happy. I have a hope that is very bright for my future. I am looking forward to getting healthier again and taking a little time for myself. I want Kent and I to both take our health more seriously now that we have Carter and one day more kid(s). I think it is the holidays that make me feel so grateful. I have a healthy family that can afford to pay their bills and put food on the table. I am not really a praying person but I think very kind thoughts for those out there who don't have what I do. I do feel very strongly though that I created this happiness. I was terrified to date and have someone see the real me. Thank goodness I finally changed my mind.
My big boy....
I can not believe how big my little Carter is getting. He's had a blocked tear duct that is a little aggravated right now and we had to go to the doctor twice, with his office visits being within 9 days of each other. On the first visit he weighed 10lbs 15oz, on the second visit he weighed 12 pounds. Holy cow, that is some weight gain, and he didn't even eat at Thanksgiving (-: He is doing great, really really great. He eats 5oz every 3 hours and then just naps or chills in between. He's fussy for about 15 minutes a day, when I think he is a little gassy. Other than this time, he is only fussy when he is hungry. Otherwise we do tummy time, read books, go for walks, run to the store etc. Since he is growing so fast we are in trouble as his clothes are seriously getting tight. He is 2 months old on the 14th, yet this kid is fitting snuggly in his 3 month clothes. So we have fashion show daily at my home. He doesn't even mind the posing!
I love this photo of Carter and Kent playing. Now that Carter smiles, it just melts our hearts.
I suppose it is never to early to start with the "arts"
This week we are going to see Santa, go to PEPS (our baby group) stay overnight at Grandma's while I am getting my car worked on and his nanny is coming to babysit twice. I hate to think that I have less than a month left of maternity leave, but it is true. It is time for little Carter to get use to someone else as well. He will be in good hands though, so I am not worried. Plus, who would not love to take care of this little nugget?
