Several days ago I asked Kent to go into the garage and pull out all of the boxes that are marked Lisa TT. These boxes of mine are all of the clothes that my mom and I packed up in April of last year, right before we moved into our new home. They are marked Lisa, as they are lady clothes and TT, means Too Tight. I thought I was all cute and witty as I was 2 months pregnant and I knew that I would not be wearing these clothes over the summer, especially as my belly grew bigger and bigger. These boxes, all 8 of them, have been stacked in the corner and looming over me. I knew that once I gathered the nerve to open them, it would be a little like opening Pandora's box.
These TT boxes were filled with sizes of a pretty big scale. Through my entire adult like I have fluctuated constantly with my weight. I held pretty steadily within a 10-15 pound range for several years, even through our early dating years and all of the fun food and wine. I can remember the weight coming on quickly through a stressful point in our relationship, work life, family life etc. Then so very slowly the weight would get lost. The quickest weight gain I had was definitely from June-December of 2009. This was a fast 25-35 pounds and they were all stress and pain induced regarding getting pregnant. All of these clothes that I marked TT, were essentially the clothes I wore prior to this time. Sure there were a few oddities that I had not worn in quite some time, like a size 12 Calvin Klein pair of jeans. I grabbed those jeans today and nearly crapped myself at how small they looked. Granted I only fit into them for about 9 days, the first 9 days of knowing Kent, but I still fit into them. These size 12's haunt me now, because I have no clue how I actually did get into them. They were snug, but nothing that What Not to Wear would hound me about. Now a size 12 may not sound small to some, but I was at one point a 24W, so that is a huge feat for me.
As I was repacking the clothes away, hoping to find a few of my work clothes that would fit, I felt really sad. I was sad for myself, but really sad for Kent. He just came into the office and saw me in here and I started crying and told him how sorry I was that I had let myself go, and I thanked him for being so kind to me. He was pissed and annoyed, as I am a broken record about my weight and health. I think that the weight gain from clomid, stress etc is the hardest for me to swallow as it was just a tough time. The good thing though is that I am ready to get back to that healthier size. I may not get into those size 12 Calvins, or have that super flat stomach I use to (that's what 10 grand and a tummy tuck gets you (-: ) But in all honesty I am ok with that. Most of those clothes in those boxes are obtainable, still fashionable and are ready to be hanging in my closet and not taking up space in my garage.
It seems overwhelming to get back into them, but in all honesty, I am not terribly far from it. Just like my wedding ring, which does get over my knuckle now, but is still too tight, I will get back into these clothes and that healthier lifestyle. Even though I am a mom, a full time employee, a wife and a friend, I am still responsible for myself and my emotions. It's time to work out the balance and get back into my good parts of myself.
