Woke up this morning...

This past week I have waking up and wondering how in the hell I am 35 and analyzing the choices I've made. I found some of my old journals and I riffled through them with laughter, horror and sort of some profound thoughts. I'm still complaining about my weight, how I'll make that connection some day with food and stress etc. It is also funny, in hindsight of course, to see what I considered a crisis in my younger years and how I handled it.

This past week I have had to remind myself daily that the things that are happening recently are for a reason. I feel stressed about the future, but maybe it is time I do. I have felt pretty stagnant lately and I know that is by choice as I really struggle with change. I have joked that dating and getting married have been enough change for me for the next several years. That is not actually true though. I'm pretty dissatisfied with how bad I have been feeling about myself lately. It's not a depression thing, but just a general feeling like, "what in the hell am I doing with myself." I'm sort of taking stock right now in myself and I don't see a very organized profile. Life seems to somehow get in the way, I let it get in the way. I'm pretty tired of feeling poorly about my decisions and it is sort of time to man up and make changes. I do see many changes for myself this upcoming year and I'm pretty anxious about them. I do know though that I am a survivor, I just haven't been in survivor mode for quite awhile.