The rules of discussing happiness

How many times a day do you get asked, "How are you," or "How are things?" Possibly because I am in the public eye I get asked these question often. Patients who have been coming to the office I run are often wondering how I am doing and what has been going on. This beautiful, giant diamond ring on my left hand usually gives them quite a bit of joy and many questions to ask me. For the sake of not disclosing too much info to the patients I always give them an answer that makes them feel satisfied. I usually give a pleasing answer to most of those around me as well. When we ask such open-ended generic questions about happiness or feelings do we really want to hear the truth? I personally love it when someone is honest. I love it when someone actually tells the truth. The first month of having a newborn at home can not be easy, yet I always hear about how wonderful it is. The first few months of a new marriage can be trying, but all you hear about is wedded bliss. Is there anything wrong with speaking the truth, telling people what is really going on?

A few years ago, well more like 8, I had just graduated from the University of Washington. It took me forever, but I ended up with a degree in Sociology. I had visions of saving the world and working for an organization that could solve problems regarding health care, children's welfare or education. When you are in school they pump you full of do-good because you were sitting in a classroom and paying your dues for an education that would provide you a better life and a better income which could equal more happiness. I loved school and would never have changed anything, except I would have gone back for a Master's degree strictly for the love of learning. What I did find out though was how difficult it was to transition out of college and into the real world. I was plagued with uncertainty and I was so tired of hearing about how many opportunities I had before me. I was searching and searching for the answer and I discovered a book called "The Quarter-Life Crisis." This book was a voice of my peers who were facing the same daunting tasks of figuring out a career, paying off student loans and feeling satisfied. It was so refreshing to hear people speaking the honest truth about the difficulties they were facing. This wasn't a book filled with complaining and whining, it was actually just people being real for once about their happiness, their struggles and the same thoughts that I am sure plenty of my friends were experiencing as well.

We all define our happiness through different measures and there seem to be rules into the degree that we discuss our happiness with the outside world. I know many people question writing personal things at all in a blog or journal for fear someone may actually read them and discover the truth. I've been told repeatedly that my lips should be sealed when I am feeling insecure about myself and Kent is around. I've been told he shouldn't know these issues I have with myself because it will just give him another way to view my ways, my life, and possibly a view of me he didn't have before. Doesn't the truth have the potential of setting us free and gain some possible comfort, scolding or support?

Yesterday when Kent and I went shopping I tried on a blouse. I haven't been clothes shopping for several months because I have gained weight and I am upset about my appearance. While I was in the dressing room I was amazed at the image I saw. I do know that overhead lighting provides an awful backdrop to anything, but this image was pretty tough. I saw a body that had been pretty neglected (no fitness, poor food choices) and I was immediately upset. I started crying when I showed Kent the blouse, I couldn't even look him in the eye. Was it wrong to be so raw and honest with my husband about how I was feeling about myself? Do I really need to pretend that everything is OK even though I am about 13 pounds heavier than when we said I do? The tough part about weight gain or loss is that it is obvious to the entire world what is happening- you are either shrinking or growing. I have been doing both of these since I was a little girl. Kent can tell I have gained weight, I don't need to tell him this. He would never say anything to me, but we both comment on the tightness of our clothes and our desire to get back to the gym. I don't want to fake these emotions with my husband just so that he can feel better about me. I am sure some people may shake their head at this posting because I just don't get it. I do know how visual humans are, I have been overweight my whole life. I have been invisible to most men my entire life because of my body and the layer I enclosed myself in. I don't think that I should have to be invisible with my feelings though, because honestly, these are the only thing I had for many years. My feelings about life, my feelings about myself. Everything was mine only, because it was just me. When Kent is having a tough day, I now feel that too, because I want to. I want to support him and see if I can help him. Yesterday in that dressing I did not feel happiness, I felt an incredible surge of pain from many, many years of being overweight. When my husband saw me he first saw the woman he loved in a fun blouse and then he saw the true Lisa at that time. We can't be happy all the time and we can't act like we are happy all the time. Life is not about acting, life is about living. I am truly a very emotional and thinking human, at times it is probably frustrating to Kent because I focus so much on things. This is me.

I do know that at times I am unhappy, at times I am sad, at times I am emotionless, at times I am elated with joy, at times I am pleased and many many times I am just right. In reality there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. The rules of discussing this happiness does not exist, because there really is no rules to love. Love is a great thing, even when you are in a Michael Kors blouse at the Downtown Seattle Macy's feeling sensitive about your body and all your husband sees is the lady he loves. My gratitude today is actually to myself. I am grateful that in those times of serious uncertainty and mental strain that I actually let myself feel those feelings, instead of acting and covering them up. I've covered myself and my emotions for years, it is time to really take these layers off.