Just a quickie...
I am still on my Las Vegas high from seeing U2. Tomorrow we leave for Vancouver to see them again. I will blog more about the above as it is so worthy of my time and to keep it in the record books. I will say that while we were in Vegas my left side kept hurting and aching. This morning I had an ultrasound and it showed one big follicle in the left ovary (go lefty..again the only one that produces). I took my HCG shot and tomorrow we will have our first IUI. I am a bit anxious about the procedure, but it sounds simple. Here's to IUI and U2.
You gotta know when to hold em...
Right now I feel like Kenny Rogers with a hand of b*llsh*t cards. I'm not ready to fold 'em yet, but I am totally bummed out. I just returned from my ultrasound and the eggs are little. Nothing bigger than an 11. They would like to see me over the week-end for another ultrasound and injection, but I won't be here. I'll be rocking, drinking and smoking myself into an oblivion in sin city (not actually...but I feel like taking that path right now). I sat in the waiting room of the RE's office talking to Kent and debating if we should change our flight and come back early on Monday with the hope a big egg is just hanging out and waiting for a dose of hormones to push itself out. I contemplated that, but you know, this is just the way the cards fall sometimes. I have been waiting for this concert and week-end for 7 months. 7 months ago my life was awesome. I spent almost 3 weeks in Italy with my fabulous husband and had no clue about my stupid ovaries. 7 months ago I was so jacked for this concert and I am not going to let today's ultrasound ruin that.
Am I going to sit in my office right now and cry, you bet. Am I going to get on that airplane tomorrow and rock out, yep. Am I going to get another pair of Louboutin's to make me feel better this week-end (only if Kent isn't around). (-:
It's a gamble this week-end that I am willing to ride out. Since I didn't hit the ovary jackpot today that will only ensure my good luck this week-end when I find my kick ass fun Wheel of Fortune Game. The mood I am in now though...I might just head straight to the tables (once I figure out how to play those games).
Am I going to sit in my office right now and cry, you bet. Am I going to get on that airplane tomorrow and rock out, yep. Am I going to get another pair of Louboutin's to make me feel better this week-end (only if Kent isn't around). (-:
It's a gamble this week-end that I am willing to ride out. Since I didn't hit the ovary jackpot today that will only ensure my good luck this week-end when I find my kick ass fun Wheel of Fortune Game. The mood I am in now though...I might just head straight to the tables (once I figure out how to play those games).
Busy mind
I woke up today super tired. I called work and told them I was coming in later. I went back to bed but the cat kept touching my face. He rarely bothers me while I am sleeping because Stoney, the cat, and Kent have a freaky bond and they snuggle like a couple all night long. Stoney is 15 and Kent rescued him from a crazy tenant he once had who couldn't pay rent and tried to sell Stoney to some stoner dude who lived in a van. Kent wouldn't have it, took the cat and named him Stoney. I do love that cat, but it has taken time. I had to give the love of my life away, Frank Tex Kelley, when I decided to move in with Kent. I remember when Kent asked me late one night while we were falling asleep if I wanted to move in with him. My heart raced, I was like, holy crap this is the real deal. We had been dating 6 months, but from the moment we started dating we were inseparable. I was excited by the idea of living together, but I knew that Frank and Stoney would not get along. So Frank Kelley had to move to my parents house, and even though is has been over 3 years, I still miss him terribly.
The first week I had him! So Cute!
Frank will always be my first baby. I dressed him up as much as I could.
What I loved the most about Frank was how he would greet me at the door and sit in my lap. He was like having a kid. I would take him to the vet, he needed regular hair cuts, he had his own photo album, bed, and drawer full of clothes and toys. During holiday times he had a Halloween costume and I would take him to see Santa Paws. When we would walk around the neighborhood people would stop and chat with me and they always remembered Frank's name, not necessarily mine.
It probably seems odd to compare Frank to my future kids, but they really are quite similar. Frank and I needed one another. He kept me company before Kent came into my life and I showered him with love. We are still buddies and I get to see him monthly. My parents give me updates on him and when he gets a haircut, they send me a text message and a photo. Frank was the best and totally has me ready and wanting to be a real mom.
Last night I was telling Kent about how we need to keep soda and candy out of the house when the kids come. Kent and I both struggle with our weight and our hope is that our kids will not have the same issues. Tomorrow I am going to the RE to have an ultrasound. It will be day 12 and we will see if Clomid helped on any of these eggs. I haven't had the cramping I did last month, so I am concerned that it may not have worked. I am excited to be going away this week-end, but I really, really wanted to have IUI and it seems like such a long shot. This month may not work out right. I will do my best to not get discouraged, but it feels like the days move SO slowly sometimes. I'm a bit of a prisoner with my lady business cycle and I hate it.
My mind has been very busy these past few days. Bogged down by kind of BS with acquaintances in my life who show up and then disappear. I wonder if I've done something, but life is just this way at times. I'm a peacekeeper who has given up her duties and is now feeling like a fighter/survivor in this fertility war. I'm embarrassed to already be feeling this way as we have only been trying for 8 months. I worry about what lies ahead for us though and this is what brings out the adrenaline in me.
The first week I had him! So Cute!
Frank will always be my first baby. I dressed him up as much as I could.
What I loved the most about Frank was how he would greet me at the door and sit in my lap. He was like having a kid. I would take him to the vet, he needed regular hair cuts, he had his own photo album, bed, and drawer full of clothes and toys. During holiday times he had a Halloween costume and I would take him to see Santa Paws. When we would walk around the neighborhood people would stop and chat with me and they always remembered Frank's name, not necessarily mine.
It probably seems odd to compare Frank to my future kids, but they really are quite similar. Frank and I needed one another. He kept me company before Kent came into my life and I showered him with love. We are still buddies and I get to see him monthly. My parents give me updates on him and when he gets a haircut, they send me a text message and a photo. Frank was the best and totally has me ready and wanting to be a real mom.
Last night I was telling Kent about how we need to keep soda and candy out of the house when the kids come. Kent and I both struggle with our weight and our hope is that our kids will not have the same issues. Tomorrow I am going to the RE to have an ultrasound. It will be day 12 and we will see if Clomid helped on any of these eggs. I haven't had the cramping I did last month, so I am concerned that it may not have worked. I am excited to be going away this week-end, but I really, really wanted to have IUI and it seems like such a long shot. This month may not work out right. I will do my best to not get discouraged, but it feels like the days move SO slowly sometimes. I'm a bit of a prisoner with my lady business cycle and I hate it.
My mind has been very busy these past few days. Bogged down by kind of BS with acquaintances in my life who show up and then disappear. I wonder if I've done something, but life is just this way at times. I'm a peacekeeper who has given up her duties and is now feeling like a fighter/survivor in this fertility war. I'm embarrassed to already be feeling this way as we have only been trying for 8 months. I worry about what lies ahead for us though and this is what brings out the adrenaline in me.
Feelin' something
I swear, it as if the clouds have lifted (which they haven't...Seattle is grey and cold) and the birds have begun to sing because the moment I am done taking Clomid I am somewhat brought back to my normal personality. I seriously feel so much better. I am totally jacked for Vegas this week-end and the U2 show. I'm already planning my outfit. You would think it is the first day of school and I need to make a good impression with my new digs. The truth...I'm starting to feel REALLY old lately. Like I'm almost 35 and I've had to see what the kids are wearing. My younger co-worker carries a Toki Doki handbag, but that would be like super wrong on me. Plus a slumped over messenger bag on one side of the body only emphasises the hips. I'm opting for my new grey Converse and this navy shirt and jeans. Just hip enough for people to think, that's a cool older chick. But not too over the top that I'm that chick who is totally in denial about her age.
35..I remember when my mom was 35. She had permed hair, a super tan body and she watched Wheel of Fortune. She also had a 12 year old, that would be me. My mom and I have very little in common. I remember being a kid and how old I thought 35 was. It was ancient. I don't even have kids yet and my mom had a 12 year old. My poor future children. I am kick ass fun, don't get me wrong, but when my AARP membership arrives and my future daughters are still selling Girl Scout Cookies, that is not going to be so cool.
Right now though I am just seriously so happy feeling. I have no clue if we will do IUI on Friday. It will be a mad dash Friday morning as my plane leaves at 11:45. I hope the dude next to me doesn't mind my legs in the air to help with the mobility of my husband's deposit. As long as my seat belt is still on, it shouldn't be a problem. Things are good and I'm doing my best to focus on this. I know this will be a totally fun week-end and I'm not going to let fertility drama stand in my way.
35..I remember when my mom was 35. She had permed hair, a super tan body and she watched Wheel of Fortune. She also had a 12 year old, that would be me. My mom and I have very little in common. I remember being a kid and how old I thought 35 was. It was ancient. I don't even have kids yet and my mom had a 12 year old. My poor future children. I am kick ass fun, don't get me wrong, but when my AARP membership arrives and my future daughters are still selling Girl Scout Cookies, that is not going to be so cool.
Right now though I am just seriously so happy feeling. I have no clue if we will do IUI on Friday. It will be a mad dash Friday morning as my plane leaves at 11:45. I hope the dude next to me doesn't mind my legs in the air to help with the mobility of my husband's deposit. As long as my seat belt is still on, it shouldn't be a problem. Things are good and I'm doing my best to focus on this. I know this will be a totally fun week-end and I'm not going to let fertility drama stand in my way.
Down time
Today Kent and I found ourselves with nothing on our agenda. Not a single important task, obligation or function on the calendar. Kent and I are often busy and rarely have down time. When we do find ourselves with nothing going on, we almost become blank and our memories are erased of possibilities. When we are full, it seems there are too many things that we would like to do.
We woke up to the sound of ridiculous rain; pouring rain. The type of rain that floods the streets as the gutters are full of leaves. We decided to make a pork roast and ran to the grocery store "ugly." Which means sweats, teeth brushed but no shower. I call it "ugly" became I don't apply my face, aka makeup. It was some type of anniversary at the grocery store so it was packed. I swear in our neighborhood there are not enough decent grocery stores that aren't ridiculously expensive. So the normal priced one is out of control packed with shoppers who are normal people with budgets. After the grocery store I came home and made blueberry pancakes with some of the blueberries from Kent's 11 pounds he picked. I will never use up all of these blueberries. Next year we are only getting enough berries to fill our hands, no buckets allowed. Once breakfast was over and I cleaned up the house the boredom began.
Kent has been wanting to move for the past 2 years. We love our home, it is just too small. We own a triplex and have decided we are not going to sell it, but keep it and rent out our unit. Our problem is the down payment. We need to have a pretty big chunk to get another place and coming up with that cash has not been that easy. Kent's contracting skills are aching to start a new bathroom, a new kitchen of his dreams. He scours the magazines and Redfin with the eyes of a kid in a candy store. This scouring though with no means of getting his new home leaves a sense of uncertainty and impatience. It sucks when what you really want to do is not an option. It will be an option sooner than later, but finding a way to keep Kent's time occupied will be a challenge. He doesn't watch sports, he doesn't play video games. He has a hobby, it's called building things, and not bird houses.
So now we are finding ourselves at home this evening. Dinner turned out great, we went to Blockbuster (haven't done that in years!) and rented two movies. They are total lady movies and I can't wait. I won the movie war as the new Transformer movie doesn't come out until next week (somehow we missed this in the theatre wink, wink).
Trying to keep the night exciting I made up this cute tray of treats to occupy his time as he is watching a documentary on the journey of making it into the musical A Chorus Line. The movie is called Every Little Step and I am jacked. I've always loved dance movie, Flashdance, Fame etc. A Chorus Line was my favorite. Last year it came to Seattle and Kent was awesome and came with me. I totally cried at it, so ridiculous yes, but you have to love the story of someone chasing their dream. My husband is a good man. Our 5 days of Clomid is over now. Tonight we will sit and I will dream and he will gag over our movie but at least the treats are good..truffle popcorn--YUM!
PS--Look at these beautiful flowers I came home to on Friday. A Chorus Line AND flowers...that's my man!
We woke up to the sound of ridiculous rain; pouring rain. The type of rain that floods the streets as the gutters are full of leaves. We decided to make a pork roast and ran to the grocery store "ugly." Which means sweats, teeth brushed but no shower. I call it "ugly" became I don't apply my face, aka makeup. It was some type of anniversary at the grocery store so it was packed. I swear in our neighborhood there are not enough decent grocery stores that aren't ridiculously expensive. So the normal priced one is out of control packed with shoppers who are normal people with budgets. After the grocery store I came home and made blueberry pancakes with some of the blueberries from Kent's 11 pounds he picked. I will never use up all of these blueberries. Next year we are only getting enough berries to fill our hands, no buckets allowed. Once breakfast was over and I cleaned up the house the boredom began.
Kent has been wanting to move for the past 2 years. We love our home, it is just too small. We own a triplex and have decided we are not going to sell it, but keep it and rent out our unit. Our problem is the down payment. We need to have a pretty big chunk to get another place and coming up with that cash has not been that easy. Kent's contracting skills are aching to start a new bathroom, a new kitchen of his dreams. He scours the magazines and Redfin with the eyes of a kid in a candy store. This scouring though with no means of getting his new home leaves a sense of uncertainty and impatience. It sucks when what you really want to do is not an option. It will be an option sooner than later, but finding a way to keep Kent's time occupied will be a challenge. He doesn't watch sports, he doesn't play video games. He has a hobby, it's called building things, and not bird houses.
So now we are finding ourselves at home this evening. Dinner turned out great, we went to Blockbuster (haven't done that in years!) and rented two movies. They are total lady movies and I can't wait. I won the movie war as the new Transformer movie doesn't come out until next week (somehow we missed this in the theatre wink, wink).
Trying to keep the night exciting I made up this cute tray of treats to occupy his time as he is watching a documentary on the journey of making it into the musical A Chorus Line. The movie is called Every Little Step and I am jacked. I've always loved dance movie, Flashdance, Fame etc. A Chorus Line was my favorite. Last year it came to Seattle and Kent was awesome and came with me. I totally cried at it, so ridiculous yes, but you have to love the story of someone chasing their dream. My husband is a good man. Our 5 days of Clomid is over now. Tonight we will sit and I will dream and he will gag over our movie but at least the treats are good..truffle popcorn--YUM!
PS--Look at these beautiful flowers I came home to on Friday. A Chorus Line AND flowers...that's my man!
I want a new drug...
One that doesn't make me a crazed lunatic and want to rip off everyone's head! Oh, how I shudder to think that I asked them to double my dose. I am so ridiculously irritable. I've tried deep breathing, focusing on the positive, letting drivers cut me off without flipping them off and trying to be sensible that one of our tenants rent checks bounced. I'm like Thomas the Engine right now...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can---be nice. My engine puttered out a few days ago and dropped my butt off on the tracks. Sweet Jesus help me. This nicety nice smile that is plastered on my face is ready to crack. Praise the lord I just had botox to prevent my constant scowl and "WTF" face.
My TGIF today is the fact that I only have 1 more day of Clomid. I also have a relatively quiet week-end ahead of us, which is great, as we rarely do have downtime of the week-end. Hopefully I can find some peace and serenity and my husband will be allowed some ease to be around me.
Amen
My TGIF today is the fact that I only have 1 more day of Clomid. I also have a relatively quiet week-end ahead of us, which is great, as we rarely do have downtime of the week-end. Hopefully I can find some peace and serenity and my husband will be allowed some ease to be around me.
Amen
Shy Flower
I'm in the middle of many things today, but I'm starting to get a little nervous as I have a meeting to go to tonight and I just found out I will not know anyone. Oh, how that inner shy flower of mine comes out in times of uncertainty. I do relatively well in situations when I know a few people, but when I'm the lone person in a room full of strangers, I tend to creep into my shell. Then when I am finally comfortable and my crazy self comes out, people are left scratching their heads and questioning if I have multiple personalities.
So now I am sitting here with butterflies in my belly and thinking of ways to get out of going to my meeting tonight. I just called Kent to ask if I could quit my lady group, like he is my dad or something, and his response was what I expected. These things are uncomfortable, but overtime, they will improve. I haven't really given this a chance yet and it is time that I step out of my box. I'm just a sensitive bunny anymore and retreating to my home with my DVR sounds so much more appealing than coming up with some interesting tid bit to share amongst strangers. I don't dare say what I do for a living, as I then find myself sharing tips on skin care and cosmetic procedures. Is it going to kill me to go tonight, no, so this shy flower will just have to make her way to Belltown tonight armed with my contribution of two bottles of wine and a plethera of life tidbits and witty phrases.
On a totally different subject I am improving significantly with my shyness around medical providers. My business has had so many ultrasounds and exams lately that I literally plop on the table, throw my feet in the car shammy wipe covered feet holders and chill out. The good news is no cysts on the ovaries, bad news is we are upping my clomid to try and produce a follicle on the 12th day. Kent and I are going to Las Vegas to see U2, WOO HOO, but the timing is terrible with my ovulation. So the goal is to somehow get me to ovulate on the 12th day, get my shot and then have insemination the next day, two hours before I leave for Vegas. Now I am not terribly religious, but I did secretly pray that somehow we would be pregnant before the U2 show so that our baby could rock out to my boys. Well that didn't happen, BUT, maybe our future baby will essentially be happening in my belly WHILE we are at the show. Some say seeing a U2 show is a religious experience, almost like seeing God. I'm not going to jump on that band wagon, but if Bono and the boys gets things moving along, I'll take it.
(Kent is going to kill me for this post).
So now I am sitting here with butterflies in my belly and thinking of ways to get out of going to my meeting tonight. I just called Kent to ask if I could quit my lady group, like he is my dad or something, and his response was what I expected. These things are uncomfortable, but overtime, they will improve. I haven't really given this a chance yet and it is time that I step out of my box. I'm just a sensitive bunny anymore and retreating to my home with my DVR sounds so much more appealing than coming up with some interesting tid bit to share amongst strangers. I don't dare say what I do for a living, as I then find myself sharing tips on skin care and cosmetic procedures. Is it going to kill me to go tonight, no, so this shy flower will just have to make her way to Belltown tonight armed with my contribution of two bottles of wine and a plethera of life tidbits and witty phrases.
On a totally different subject I am improving significantly with my shyness around medical providers. My business has had so many ultrasounds and exams lately that I literally plop on the table, throw my feet in the car shammy wipe covered feet holders and chill out. The good news is no cysts on the ovaries, bad news is we are upping my clomid to try and produce a follicle on the 12th day. Kent and I are going to Las Vegas to see U2, WOO HOO, but the timing is terrible with my ovulation. So the goal is to somehow get me to ovulate on the 12th day, get my shot and then have insemination the next day, two hours before I leave for Vegas. Now I am not terribly religious, but I did secretly pray that somehow we would be pregnant before the U2 show so that our baby could rock out to my boys. Well that didn't happen, BUT, maybe our future baby will essentially be happening in my belly WHILE we are at the show. Some say seeing a U2 show is a religious experience, almost like seeing God. I'm not going to jump on that band wagon, but if Bono and the boys gets things moving along, I'll take it.
(Kent is going to kill me for this post).
Apologies and acceptance
Over the years I have learned the value of being honest, of accepting my ways and behaviors and for apologizing when I am wrong or have wronged someone. I'm also working on my acceptance of myself and the love and trust from those around me. In the past few days I have found myself having to both apologize for my actions and finding some acceptance in who I am. Normally I share too much, but today it is not necessary to hash out my apologies to my husband Kent. For once I am going to choose privacy, learn from my mistakes and move on.
I've also been wrangling with this idea that a good friend of mine emailed me about upon reading my blog. I appreciated this friends concern about how I am often writing about my dissatisfaction with my body, my life and how much I focus on the future instead of the here and now. I've always been hard on myself. Growing up I felt the need to please my family by getting good grades, keeping the house clean etc to help make up for the fact that I was very overweight. I don't think I was an embarrassment to my family, but I know at times it really bothered my mom that I was so big. My self worth has always been measured by the size of my body. When I lose weight I find more happiness in myself and generally in my life. When I begin to lose control and overeat I become withdrawn and almost abusive to my body. I stop working out, I overeat and my mental state becomes consumed with negative thoughts about myself and my life. My focus over the past few months has been too geared towards the negative in my life. My insecurities are at an all time high along with my fear about the future. I am stuck on a wheel of fear right now that is constantly spinning me backwards and forwards. I'm consumed by getting pregnant for fear of knowing that having PCOS will make this a challenge. The only thing I can do is to find some faith that things will work out. Somehow I will have a baby. I may not be able to get pregnant, but I will still have a baby.
Tonight and every night I need to find my gratitude again in my life and those in it. This gratitude needs to start from the ground up again as I am really dragging and weighing myself down with all of this negativity and fear. I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that my period was coming and that we were not pregnant. I felt OK with it until I started looking at the calendar and realizing that we will be out of town when my next ovulation will hopefully occur and I won't be able to have IUI. Upon realizing this I went into a pretty dark place for most of Saturday and I just can't do this to myself or Kent. We have barely begun to try and conceive, yet I am behaving like we have been doing this for years. I don't have control over my ovulation, but I do have control over my emotions and how I choose to let these things effect my life.
Kent you are a wonderful, wonderful man. Someone asked me the other day at work when I knew that I loved you. That was easy for me to answer. I liked you a ton right away. I was terrified of getting close to you as I had never had success in the dating world and figured our time together would be short lived like the others. You were different though. You made me want to put down my guard and let you into all of my life, the good and the ugly. Our honesty with one another in the beginning was so refreshing. It took a few months for me to realize that having you in my life was no longer just to have fun. Kent you became my life. When you went to Thailand for the holidays and we exchanged emails back and forth for two weeks it was there that I knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm still scared that you will one day give up on me and my insecurities, but I have to accept that we all have insecurities from time to time and you are here for the long run. Kent, thank you for being my husband and accepting who I am. Right now I am a girl who is pretty scared about the unknown but has more gratitude about my life than I can possibly say. Thank you to my friend who helped me see this.
I've also been wrangling with this idea that a good friend of mine emailed me about upon reading my blog. I appreciated this friends concern about how I am often writing about my dissatisfaction with my body, my life and how much I focus on the future instead of the here and now. I've always been hard on myself. Growing up I felt the need to please my family by getting good grades, keeping the house clean etc to help make up for the fact that I was very overweight. I don't think I was an embarrassment to my family, but I know at times it really bothered my mom that I was so big. My self worth has always been measured by the size of my body. When I lose weight I find more happiness in myself and generally in my life. When I begin to lose control and overeat I become withdrawn and almost abusive to my body. I stop working out, I overeat and my mental state becomes consumed with negative thoughts about myself and my life. My focus over the past few months has been too geared towards the negative in my life. My insecurities are at an all time high along with my fear about the future. I am stuck on a wheel of fear right now that is constantly spinning me backwards and forwards. I'm consumed by getting pregnant for fear of knowing that having PCOS will make this a challenge. The only thing I can do is to find some faith that things will work out. Somehow I will have a baby. I may not be able to get pregnant, but I will still have a baby.
Tonight and every night I need to find my gratitude again in my life and those in it. This gratitude needs to start from the ground up again as I am really dragging and weighing myself down with all of this negativity and fear. I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that my period was coming and that we were not pregnant. I felt OK with it until I started looking at the calendar and realizing that we will be out of town when my next ovulation will hopefully occur and I won't be able to have IUI. Upon realizing this I went into a pretty dark place for most of Saturday and I just can't do this to myself or Kent. We have barely begun to try and conceive, yet I am behaving like we have been doing this for years. I don't have control over my ovulation, but I do have control over my emotions and how I choose to let these things effect my life.
Kent you are a wonderful, wonderful man. Someone asked me the other day at work when I knew that I loved you. That was easy for me to answer. I liked you a ton right away. I was terrified of getting close to you as I had never had success in the dating world and figured our time together would be short lived like the others. You were different though. You made me want to put down my guard and let you into all of my life, the good and the ugly. Our honesty with one another in the beginning was so refreshing. It took a few months for me to realize that having you in my life was no longer just to have fun. Kent you became my life. When you went to Thailand for the holidays and we exchanged emails back and forth for two weeks it was there that I knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm still scared that you will one day give up on me and my insecurities, but I have to accept that we all have insecurities from time to time and you are here for the long run. Kent, thank you for being my husband and accepting who I am. Right now I am a girl who is pretty scared about the unknown but has more gratitude about my life than I can possibly say. Thank you to my friend who helped me see this.
Sabotage & Inspiration
I took a week off from my blog as I felt as if the same stuff was coming to my mind, the same negative thoughts and fears and I just didn't feel like vocalizing them. I felt really pissed about my weight and how it seems like I sabotage my goals. I work hard, it doesn't show on the scale and then I go into a tyrant and sabotage all of my hard work. As I felt myself sort of sliding into that negative place I had to think back to many years ago, when I first started losing weight and what worked for me. The best thing for me was that I did not own a scale. Instead of weighing myself I purchased a beautiful blue coat, something perfect for early spring and walking in park, that was way too small. So small that I couldn't put my arms in it. Monthly I would try on that jacket and in the beginning that just meant putting one arm into it. Over time I worked my way up to my arms fitting, then it was loose enough that when I did get it on my arms could rest at my side. Monthly I would play this game of trying on my special blue coat until I was finally able to unveil it at a party. The bastard finally fit in the winter, and not really the best of weather, but I could finally button it. That jacket, over time, became big, like super big. Like I was able to take the jacket and almost wrap it around me.
It was great to achieve that goal of mine, but my problem was that this goal I had also was a mind game of my happiness. I chose this jacket as my goal and when this weight goal was achieved, I would feel satisfied and successful. Well that did not work, but luckily the jacket is still too big. Over this past week I did find myself eating more and even wanting to have a glass of wine too as I figured, no way could we have gotten pregnant. Again with the sabotage. I was reminded by my trainer that 3 weeks before the wedding I stopped working out and had put on so much weight that I was totally uncomfortable in my tight wedding dress. I worried that something was going to happen and that I wasn't going to get married, so I wouldn't have to worry about fitting in a wedding dress. Such weird drama I put myself through, almost a bit of torture.
The good news is I am seeing this pattern in my life and I was able to find some inspiration over the week-end. Kent and I drove to Portland Oregon to cheer on my trainer and friend Chris as she was running the Portland marathon. This race was a big deal as she has this goal of qualifying for the Boston marathon. Early this year she ran the Vancouver marathon and missed the qualifying time by less than 50 seconds. 50 f*ing seconds. 26.2 miles and to miss it by 50 seconds, it was heart breaking for me. When she decided she was going to run the Portland race, I knew I had to be there. Her partner Shannon was going to be getting into Portland only hours before the race due to work, so I felt like Chris was going to need support. She has been my trainer for 6 years now and has helped me through my weight loss, dating life, training for 1/2 marathons and triathlons. I needed to be there for her, and for me too.
We arrived in Portland and picked her up to drive the course. I was tired just driving the course, let alone thinking about running it. It was decided where she felt she was going to need our cheering and support so Kent and I set out early that next morning to see her. I didn't sleep very well as I was totally nervous and then the spot she wanted us to cheer her on, we couldn't get to. Kent is awesome with navigating and he was able to get us to the mile 19 marker. We waited what seemed like an eternity, and then I spotted the group she was running with. I didn't spot her though, and I panicked. This was her pace group that she needed to run with in order to qualify. A few seconds of panic set in and then I saw her. I started screaming and waving my sign I made for her. I was jumping up and down and then my adrenaline kicked in. As she started running by me I just dropped everything and I jumped in the race. Now I am a big girl and I was wearing jeans, converse, a Dolly Parton hoodie and NOT a sports bra. I didn't care though. I just felt like I needed to talk to her and make sure she could hear me. She was laughing and telling me that she felt good and liked my outfit. I ran ahead, I felt like I was sprinting, just so that I could get this shot.
Here's a photo of me and Shannon getting ready to cheer Chris on!
After we left mile 19 we speeded all over Portland to make it to the finish line. Everything was roped off so I wasn't able to see her cross the finish line. I did see her though as she was exiting the course and you would have thought it was one of my kids out there. I was screaming again as she was in a sea of exhausted runners, some looking like they were on their death bed. Chris did amazing, she finished in under 3 hours and 44 minutes.
What I loved about watching those runners was the dedication I saw. The group that was around Chris's finishing time is sort of a special group of people, not what I would consider to be an average runner. You don't run 8 minute miles for 26.2 miles and be considered average. I don't see these runners as a competition for myself, what I see is a group of people with a goal. There is really inspiration around all of us and I feel as if my poopy attitude is clearing and I am able to see how truly blessed I am. So what if I have PCOS and it might take awhile to get pregnant. So what if I lose a pound a month. Right now it's about taking care of myself and having a good time along the way.
It was great to achieve that goal of mine, but my problem was that this goal I had also was a mind game of my happiness. I chose this jacket as my goal and when this weight goal was achieved, I would feel satisfied and successful. Well that did not work, but luckily the jacket is still too big. Over this past week I did find myself eating more and even wanting to have a glass of wine too as I figured, no way could we have gotten pregnant. Again with the sabotage. I was reminded by my trainer that 3 weeks before the wedding I stopped working out and had put on so much weight that I was totally uncomfortable in my tight wedding dress. I worried that something was going to happen and that I wasn't going to get married, so I wouldn't have to worry about fitting in a wedding dress. Such weird drama I put myself through, almost a bit of torture.
The good news is I am seeing this pattern in my life and I was able to find some inspiration over the week-end. Kent and I drove to Portland Oregon to cheer on my trainer and friend Chris as she was running the Portland marathon. This race was a big deal as she has this goal of qualifying for the Boston marathon. Early this year she ran the Vancouver marathon and missed the qualifying time by less than 50 seconds. 50 f*ing seconds. 26.2 miles and to miss it by 50 seconds, it was heart breaking for me. When she decided she was going to run the Portland race, I knew I had to be there. Her partner Shannon was going to be getting into Portland only hours before the race due to work, so I felt like Chris was going to need support. She has been my trainer for 6 years now and has helped me through my weight loss, dating life, training for 1/2 marathons and triathlons. I needed to be there for her, and for me too.
We arrived in Portland and picked her up to drive the course. I was tired just driving the course, let alone thinking about running it. It was decided where she felt she was going to need our cheering and support so Kent and I set out early that next morning to see her. I didn't sleep very well as I was totally nervous and then the spot she wanted us to cheer her on, we couldn't get to. Kent is awesome with navigating and he was able to get us to the mile 19 marker. We waited what seemed like an eternity, and then I spotted the group she was running with. I didn't spot her though, and I panicked. This was her pace group that she needed to run with in order to qualify. A few seconds of panic set in and then I saw her. I started screaming and waving my sign I made for her. I was jumping up and down and then my adrenaline kicked in. As she started running by me I just dropped everything and I jumped in the race. Now I am a big girl and I was wearing jeans, converse, a Dolly Parton hoodie and NOT a sports bra. I didn't care though. I just felt like I needed to talk to her and make sure she could hear me. She was laughing and telling me that she felt good and liked my outfit. I ran ahead, I felt like I was sprinting, just so that I could get this shot.
Here's a photo of me and Shannon getting ready to cheer Chris on!
After we left mile 19 we speeded all over Portland to make it to the finish line. Everything was roped off so I wasn't able to see her cross the finish line. I did see her though as she was exiting the course and you would have thought it was one of my kids out there. I was screaming again as she was in a sea of exhausted runners, some looking like they were on their death bed. Chris did amazing, she finished in under 3 hours and 44 minutes.
What I loved about watching those runners was the dedication I saw. The group that was around Chris's finishing time is sort of a special group of people, not what I would consider to be an average runner. You don't run 8 minute miles for 26.2 miles and be considered average. I don't see these runners as a competition for myself, what I see is a group of people with a goal. There is really inspiration around all of us and I feel as if my poopy attitude is clearing and I am able to see how truly blessed I am. So what if I have PCOS and it might take awhile to get pregnant. So what if I lose a pound a month. Right now it's about taking care of myself and having a good time along the way.
