Love hate relationship

I have a love hate relationship with time. Some days I feel like superwoman and I have conquer the world. Other days I feel like there is no time to do things I enjoy or even those I don't. For instance, my blog. I might not be a blogger anymore. It's not that I don't have anything to say. Maybe it's more that I haven't been taking the time to do it. I worry about my lack of time and how much of it I want to spend with Carter. Being a full time working mom is not easy. My work day is packed and I no longer have a private office. So the thought of coming home, cleaning the house, feeding Carter and Kent, cleaning up, getting Carter ready for bed and then maybe write a quick blog seems daunting. Here's the thing though. As I looked back on my blog, particularly in the early days of it, I am bummed now at my lack of recent blogging. It has been so fun to relook at this time through these pages. So now I am torn, to keep blogging or not to keep blogging? My blog is private, so I can sort of write anything I like. Plus I looked again at archiving my blog through blog2print and it actually put the pages in a better format than years past. So...maybe I will try again to keep this archive going.

October 2011 has been an overwhelming month. My sweet little Carter had his first birthday. I have no photos to prove it yet, as good friends of ours documented the day, but I have a strong feeling it could be months before I get the pics. They feel things need to be perfect before they show me. It was an awesome party, with 50+ people, food that I made myself and joy for all. It almost killed me, but it was worth it. How often does your baby celebrate their first year! Here are a few sneak peeks they sent me.


My favorite so far!


He is such a thinker....


The giant cupcake I made him!

Besides celebrating this awesome time with Carter we have also found ourselves in the middle of craziness by putting our house on the market. It was a tough decision and it is a little weird not knowing what will be happening. This house has been a curse at times and a blessing. We are comfortable in it finally, but the payment is huge and we are wanting to downsize. It will be hard to give up, but I think it is the right thing to do. It has been on the market now for 10 days. There has been quite a bit of interest in it, even though it is a tough time to sell. Actually...I take that back- HOLY SHIT---Kent just called me and somebody has put an offer on my house. My crazy house that has been on the market for 10 days. Whoa, who knows what in the heck is going to happen now.

The world works in mysterious ways. Last night Kent and I discussed that we were going to just go with the flow and know that whatever happens will happen for our benefit. Yikes, I'm too freaked out to think right now....more to come!

Fresh beginning

I wish I could say there was this incredible reason why I chose to stop blogging and took it one step further and make my blog private. In all honesty, I felt like I couldn't be honest. There is nothing traumatic happening to Kent or I. I feel like we are on a good path, but there are some definite changes on our horizon. I have really focused over this past year on being "real." I wanted an authentic experience when I wrote about my day or an event, not something I had to reword for sake of someone discovering my blog.

Over the past few months I've had some serious doubts about my job, even though I have worked there for 10+ years. Knowing that I might soon be faced with looking for a job, I needed to clean up my online world. Plus, I'm tired of not being able to really say what I want to. You have no clue who is reading your blog and I my forum has never wanted to be one of inspiration. It's just my life, as big or small as it may appear to those who do read what I write.

Life is good though, it really is. I'm really starting to tackle my fears of life again. Fear of debt, fear of losing my job, working on my insecurities about myself. It has been very eye opening and difficult, but in my heart I know that I am capable of handling whatever comes to me. I don't consider myself to be religious, but I am spiritual. I am in a really good place right now and I'm actually glad that I finally found the courage to face some of my fears head on. I don't want to live my life in denial and I'm over trying to fix situations that I have no control over.

What I do have control over is loving my family, loving my friends and taking good care of myself. I'm excited about what is potential over the next 6-18 months. Kent and I are trying to get pregnant again, which is a really mixed bag of emotions for me. I'm so grateful that I have my little Carter though, as it really does make the waiting game and unknown significantly more manageable. I'm looking forward to celebrating Carter's 1st birthday next week-end. I really can't believe it has been a year. I love him more than I can explain.

Here is to new beginnings!

Figuring things out

I know I have been absent. I've had quite a bit of things going on personally that I haven't felt comfortable sharing to the open world. The more I process why I started to blog the more I realize I'm more interested in processing my thoughts, but not necessarily for all the world to see. Is my blog popular, not in the least. Is it something someone could easily find if they wanted too..potentially. I'm thinking at this point I have one of two options. Completely delete the blog, or take it into the private land only. Private land here I come.

I have enjoyed blogging in the past and the few people who do read my blog I have enjoyed following theirs as well. So if anyone would like to continue reading updates I might have, please email me at lisadavis08@gmail.com and I will add you to whatever special list it takes. (-:

Hope everyone is well. I can't believe tomorrow is October 1st.

HMMMMM.....

It feels like forever since I have posted anything. Most of it is a lack of a computer and time, but now I have both on my side (the time for a short while longer). This week I have been plagued by "crap" filling my brain and it has really robbed me lately of my joy. I'd like to think that it is because my period is in full gear, but I know it is so much more. I'm running on empty again, and when I do that it only leads to a downward spiral.

There are so many good things that have happened lately. We have pretty much worked out our property line dispute and Kent and I have both come to terms that this is not the house for us. We have fought constantly about it, but in the end, I think it is strangely going to bring us closer. I know I resented this property and him for putting me through the hell of remodeling it in the height of my pregnancy and maternity leave with Carter. I know that Kent feels bad that this house and neighborhood have been such a bummer as he literally has put months and months of his precious time into it to create an awesome space for our family. I love that Kent takes such pride in his homes and isn't like the typical contractor who never finishes his projects. I worry that Kent doesn't get enough down time but now I know he is determined to get the few lingering projects done in the house so that we can put it on the market next April. Only time will tell how the market is and I am doing my best not to stress about it. If we sell it, than fine, and if we don't, that is also fine. It is a beautiful home and I am comfortable in it, regardless of how much I might complain about how little sunlight we get or the incredible amount of bugs. This is life though. We could be homeless.

Kent took a big step this past 4th of July and we flew down to Reno/Lake Tahoe and saw his Father for the first time in 13 years. Kent and his dad had a falling out years ago and they have not spoken or seen each other in all of this time. Kent was the adult in all of this (which I am super impressed by) and he reached out to his dad around Christmas time by sending him Carter's announcement and a quick letter. Through a few emails we learned his dad is developing dementia and I kept persuading Kent that we needed to go see his dad. Kent wasn't quite ready to, but I had the time off and I turned it into a little vacation as well. We ended up meeting them (Kent's dad and his wife of 20+years) at a small Cafe in Reno. I felt nervous when we got off the plane that I was pushing Kent too much and that this was going to open a pandora's box of sorts. The breakfast/meeting went great. It was perfect in my opinion. The glue that held everything together was Carter, he really does bring joy to everyone. During breakfast Kent left to use the restroom and I watched his dad eye's follow him. His dad then said something to the effect of, "Kent is grown." He then stumbled to say that he was older, but not old. Everyone at that table knew though what he meant. Kent and his dad have missed out on Kent essentially turning into a man. Kent has had multiple businesses, houses and now he has a wife and a son. I saw it in his dad's eyes and it really took everything in me to not get emotional. We took some pictures at the end and I saw Kent's dad tear up a bit and hug Kent and tell him he loved him. I don't care what comes out of this relationship at this point. I don't think this is the last time we will see Kent's dad, but I feel like it was important for both of them to leave the past in the past and move on. After breakfast we left Reno and drove to Lake Tahoe. We had a great time. Kent's cousin and his wife joined us and we rented a house in South Lake Tahoe and enjoyed the lake, the beach and good food. It was a really fun vacation.


Carter at the beach


 
Carter did have a good time on the boat, but he was not in the mood for a family photo

Now that I have a about a week left a vacation before I return to my daily work schedule I'm trying to pick myself out of this funk and come up with a new attitude. I'm feeling sensitive about my life, my connections with people and the true honesty of them. Again, I'm terribly hormonal, and I'm trying to remind myself of that but something just feels off. My brain is firing crap and bringing up some much junk to contemplate. I haven't felt like this in quite awhile. I'm trying to process where it is coming from and I think it is a few things. I haven't really been taking good care of myself. Bootcamp is over and I'm not going to sign up for another session. Mentally I couldn't get over how behind I was in the pack. I remember when I use to be out front, but that was the old Lisa, the one with no baby and really no obligations. It is almost pathetic to care so much, but when you are fat your whole life and you feel judged by others, the last thing I really want to do is to be running around a track and having everyone (except for one person) be waiting for you as they finished their mile literally minutes before you. I was hoping I could find my inner Arnie (my little personal fitness go-getter) but he just wasn't there. What did show up is that embarrassed girl in gym class who couldn't do a pull-up and was terrified that somebody would see her weight. Besides sort of feeling like I am letter myself go I've been having huge insecurities about my ability to be a mom. I love Carter, love love love him. It is nothing to do with that. But I worry that I am not doing things right, that I don't know all of the science about caring for him or teaching him things. I feel like I have 2 full time jobs and Carter is losing. By time I come home from a long day at work I get really sad by the fact that someone else has raised him all day. Financially Kent and I both need to work full time, so being a stay at home mom is out of the question and I'm ok with that. I honestly think I couldn't stay at home 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and be a mom. I know myself well enough that I would go a little crazy and probably have resentment issues with Kent. Knowing these 2 things and I am trying to put a plan into place (in my brain) that allows me to give Carter, Kent and my own self enough time on a daily basis for all 3 of us to feel nurtured and loved. I know there is a balancing act that some days will be off, but I need to at least try.

The other big issue looming is the idea of trying to get pregnant again, I just don't want to go there. I love Carter and having him come into our lives is the best. The idea of the constant worry about getting pregnant and then having a healthy pregnancy is daunting. I am trying to stay positive and focus on the fact that we already have one healthy baby which mentally does help. I worry what another child will bring to our little threesome and if I can keep it all together. Plus I know I have so much weight to still lose and to get bitched at constantly by my OB/GYN is not my idea of fun. I might need to even switch OB/GYN's. Even just thinking about hearing about my weight is enough to set me over the edge. Somehow I am going to get through this though and Kent and I are going to have good things happen for us. We are a strong couple and we survived one round of infertility issues, we can do it again. We might even get lucky again and have a pregnancy that comes without too much intervention.

So today I am going to try to stop the negative thoughts and look around at all of the good.

Here's a few new photos of Carter that I just love....

The clouds are parting...

It has felt like a cloud has been looming over my head for quite awhile. Between the property line dispute, the disagreeing on how to handle the dispute, Carter teething, my personal desire to find some time and normalcy--it has been a struggle. I am happy to say though that things seem to be clearing.

I'm not happy that the fore mentioned dispute between my neighbor has happened, and is still happening. It did teach me a lot about how Kent and I manage situations. We both come at things from completely different angles. I am very alpha/research/ problem solve/confront and resolve. Kent is the nice guy, he does good in the world and expects it back. He is reasonable and agreeable and respects and hopes this of other. This was very frustrating to me at times, particularly when it seemed that this tactic was not working, but I now recognize that this is one of the many qualities I like about Kent.

This dispute also helped me figure out some priorities in my life. I was going, going and going and never really stopped to smell the roses. I was so pre-occupied and worried that weeks passed and I realized that I had been oblivious to those around me. I sort of was just moving with the motion of life, but not really experiencing or feeling it. For awhile I was so stressed that I was not eating as much, which is definitely not my normal tactic. Unfortunately my usage of food to calm/numb myself eventually won and I found myself choosing food often. I'm glad to say I have recognized these tendencies and I have made considerable waves in resolving things and finding peace. Kent and I have been on a pretty healthy pattern this past week and it feels great. I'm much more aware of what I am eating, why I am eating, how I feel etc. I'm making myself feel hunger more often than I am use to. This is just a process that I need to go through as I have felt so out of whack. I'm looking forward to the positive results.

With the above healthy eating plans I'm also putting it out there to everyone, including myself, that I need a little Lisa time. I was trying to explain to my baby group that I feel like when Kent and I started to try to get pregnant in April 2009, everything changed. The focus was no longer on my personal self, but on the future and how to get pregnant. It wasn't until February 2010 that we found out we were pregnant and now I am enjoying my happy and healthy 7 month old Carter. The problem is that before I was pregnant I spent all of my time reading books, blogs, going to doctor appointments etc to get pregnant. Then I get pregnant and spend all of my time worrying and preparing for child birth and child rearing. Then baby Carter comes and the cycle starts again; sleep books, first aid books, baby food books etc. I love my little Carter more than I can write, but I know that unless a little energy goes into my needs, I will one day find myself in a potentially resentful place. Being a mom is about balance. There are days that things are so perfect and other days everything seems off key. How I manage these days is up to me and I truly think that allowing myself some private time is how I will best conquer this.

So...I'm super excited that the summer is here as I am fortunate to have 6 weeks off, the first two starting in the middle of June. These weeks are paid vacation, which I feel have completely been earned. In the first week alone I am going to: have my hair done, mani-pedi, family photo session, Taj Mahal concert at the zoo, massage, peonies flower arranging class, and a cupcake decorating class. It might seem like overkill, but it's not. The one ridiculous item to add to the loop is my 5:30am bootcamp that I am going on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I need to add fitness back into my life and sometimes I just need a slap across the butt to get me going. This is what bootcamp will do. I am already mentally trying to prepare for it. I have truly not worked out since February 2010 when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, had hypertension and a battery of problems from the pregnancy. I am prepared to start over from scratch, with the hope that my body will remember what it is like to be pushed physically. Kent and I also want to have another baby, so it is so important that I find a way to lose some more weight and have a healthier pregnancy.

I feel like life is slowly perking up. I'm actually feeling pretty optimistic which is a great way to live. I don't know if I am mentally processing things better, but there has definitely been a change, and one that is for the better. Plus, how can I not feel happy or optimistic when this little guy is looking back at me?

Frustration

My sweet little Carter's photo shows exactly how I am feeling lately!

Everything appears to be going wrong over the past month. My ability to deal with stress is plummeting. We went to Scottsdale mid-April and had a fabulous time, but it feels like everything has gone downhill from there. I haven't been able to blog because my computer at home is just about dead. We need to get a new one, but a few things have made that a little bit of a challenge.

In the past 3 weeks I have managed to:
Dislocate Carter's elbow, which sent us to Children's Hospital. He was such a trooper and only cried when they put it back into place. How this happened, I seriously do not know. He never cried once, we just realized he wasn't using his left arm. It sort of just "hung" there.

We are in a property line dispute with our neighbor. This dispute is taxing on me with the unknown implications and the knowledge that one day it will be over and we will again have to be "neighborly."

Due to the stress from the above Kent and I have had plenty of words for one another and ideas on how to fix things, like the property line dispute. It makes me bummed at our lack of communication, but I am trying to see this as a building block.

Mother's Day came and went as did the bickering within my immediate family. I felt robbed of my special day with Carter so we are having a do-over next week-end. A certifiable do-over complete with pictures, brunch and an outing somewhere warm (which means indoors as it is suppose to rain).

I'm hoping that "venting" a bit might make this crap go away. I'd like to be like Charlie Sheen, and tell everyone that I am "winning!" So here's to the winners.

Life

Our computer at home is seriously on the fritz and I've been swamped at work, which leaves no time to blog. So much has been happening. When I think that I haven't blogged for over a month, it is almost ridiculous at the changes that have been happening with Carter. The major change is that he is now eating solids. We started him on rice cereal and he was not too happy about it at first.



We are doing much better now after a few weeks. So far I have made him sweet potatoes, peas, carrots and mashed banana and avocado. I have enjoyed making his baby food and I plan on introducing meat soon. It just sounds so gross to blend up hamburger! Kent has been great about feeding Carter at about 6pm while I make our dinner. It is fun to have Carter sitting up in his high chair and staring at us while we eat dinner. Here he is on our first attempt at the high chair.



Carter is definitely getting more curious. He is not rolling over, but he is making his way round and round the exersaucer daily. I love that he is remembering which buttons make noise, which toys move etc. He looks so darn cute in it as well!



For the first couple of months the nanny was giving Carter his bath during the daytime. I really missed doing this and I wanted to establish a nighttime routine. Plus, I wanted to dress him up in his bathrobe! Last night we had our first bath together based on the recommendation of some parent friends of ours. It was all great until I lifted Carter out of the tub and a giant green turd was hanging out of his toosh. Carter has become a little constipated from his solids and I was hoping the bath would help him go, but I wanted that to happen in the diaper, not the tub!



Mr. Carter Davis is now 5 1/2 months old. I honestly cannot believe it. I love him so much. I am so excited to see him, hold him and kiss his little cheeks. I love to read stories to him and play on the floor. My life is this little guy and I wouldn't want it any other way!

Gratitude

I feel overcome with emotions today. This morning I bundled Carter up and took him to Children's Hospital for his first occupational visit for his Torticollis. I wasn't nervous about the appointment, I was nervous about the experience. Children's Hospital is this amazing place that people travel from all over the world with the hope to help their sick child. They have print and TV ads that make me cry when I see the sick little babies with tubes in their noses. The killer ones are on a local radio station that does a big radiothon for the hospital and to hear the stories of triumph and sorrow from the parents is almost too much for me to process.

Today while Carter's nanny and I were in line to get our badges I was overcome with this feeling of gratitude that my little guy just has a stiff neck. The family behind me in line was pushing a child that was probably 5ish, with no hair, and a multitude of stitches on his head that looked like a patch work quilt. I thought about this family and then I thought about mine. I wondered how I would handle the stress and pain that this mom experiences daily, to see your child suffering. I said a little prayer for them and then I looked into my sweet Carter's eyes and hoped that we would not be visiting often. I also realized how important it is to step back from one's own life and look around. There are many families that go to this hospital who can't afford it, and they aren't turned down. With my one hour experience this morning I now know that a small donation, or some volunteer work later in my life is something that will happen. I pray that Carter continues to be the happy and healthy baby he is, and if something is to change, I'm grateful for my experience today and witnessing pure strength and love today.


I hate this was taken with my Iphone, but I needed to have a photo taken of Carter and Kent right before we left for the hospital. I wanted to have this image with me.

Torti-what?

The last few weeks have been a definite improvement over January. Healthy meals are on our table, fitness is happening daily, and a happy mommy means a happy family. Kent and I are working better as a team, finding ways that we each can feel supported. I had a minor fit the other evening about my work load and how it felt unbalanced. We are finding ways to remedy that and some of it is also my own doing. I like a clean house, clean like everything in its place before I go to bed. I like to dust weekly. Now that I have less time something has to give. For awhile it was my exercise and my sanity, but not any longer. I'm going to dust every other week! Applause applause. It's almost stupid, but I just like things organized, they make me happy. What really makes me happy though is being healthy, feeling better about myself and spending time with my friends and family. So the swiffer will need to take a back seat.

Kent and I celebrated our birthdays, and mainly his 40th, by having a Wine and Wigs party. This pic pretty much sums up how fabulous it was.


On Friday we took Carter in for his 4 month check up and shots. He was the funniest baby, lying there on that table paper and just kicking the crap out of his legs to make some noise. At that appointment we discovered a few things. He is doing great weight wise, height wise...he is actually long and lean. His chunky parents are so proud. We were shocked by our Doctor telling us to start giving him rice cereal. The latest findings are that the earlier you start feeding your baby, the less chance of allergies. I am going to be honest and say I'm not really ready for that. I feel like we finally have this feeding routine down. We just changed out his nipples for goodness sake. So in the next couple of weeks we are going to try out rice cereal. Then down the road some pureed fruit and vegetables. I still want to try and make some of his food. I wasn't able to breastfeed, so the Mom in me wants to give him the best I can.

Now on to the bad news, or maybe just annoying news. For weeks now I would look at Carter and his head would be tilted. I just figured he was learning how to hold his head up. But he is super stiff in his shoulder and I think this is why he has taken so long to grab on to toys etc that we hold up for him. His Doctor diagnosed him with Torticollis which is basically a stiff neck. We will need to take him to Children's Hospital for physical therapy and stretching. We need to get on this daily to help him or it can get worse. The worst case scenario is he would need surgery to repair his neck. I'm not even going there because we caught this early and the nanny and I are on the same page....get that little nugget some help! I was a little upset about the news, but this is fixable. He will be uncomfortable when we do this, and nobody wants to cause stress or pain to their baby. I hate being stretched so I will sympathise when we do this, but it is a must.

The other bummer is we have to give up the swaddle. He woke himself up almost hourly Saturday and Sunday night as his hands are all over the place, then he starts rubbing his face and the binky falls out. My to-do list is now figuring out a sleeping situation. Carter has been sleeping through the night for months, literally months. Now we are going to have to find a way for him to comfort himself. Generally when I hear the binky fall out (how I can hear this as I don't even use the monitor since he is next door) I run to his room and pop it back in . This might have been a wrong choice. Now that his hands are free he can "eat" them as he doesn't quite get the thumb sucking part. We will get through all of these unknowns, just as we have the previous ones.

Commitment to Myself

The Mothers "guilt" has hit me a bit with my last complaining session about not having time for myself. I really processed this over the week-end and I know that my biggest problem is that I need to get some weight off so that we can start to try for another baby. Weight loss is a struggle for me, always has been, and I really would like to have a healthier pregnancy. My blood pressure is higher now than it was before I had Carter. My weight is off by about 8 pounds, but there is those nagging 30 pounds that I gained while we were trying to get pregnant. I was nervous while I was pregnant as my swelling was extreme and the post preclampsia I had was terrifying. So the complaining about having no time to myself is honestly a complaint that each day I don't find 30 minutes to run, is another day we have to wait to try and get pregnant. I personally would like to go off of birth control in July and then start trying, casually at first, if nothing happens after 6 months, than we are back to the fertility specialists. I am determined to do my best to be healthy though, as is Kent. So somehow each day I am going to have those running shoes on and the laundry, the dishes and the yard work will have to wait. But, my little Carter will never have to.

Carter is doing awesome, like he is my little rock star baby. He is such a happy little guy. We changed out his nipples this past week-end and I'm telling you, what idiots we were to not have done it sooner! He use to take 45 minutes to drink a 5 ounce bottle, now he's done in 15. He is happier, we are happier! We did take him out in his new carrier we bought him, the gemini, and he did great. I still worry that it seems like a "crotch killer" but this one has more support in the legs and toosh area, so hopefully he can handle the pressure!

Now that our remodel is DONE...photos to follow one day, we have time to be a family. We went to the airport Saturday morning to welcome our friends home who adopted a little girl, she is beautiful and perfect. Then we treated ourselves to a little lunch and shopping. Nordstrom has by far the best baby changing place I have found. I love that Mother's lounge. We bought a Jonathan Adler lion that I had been eyeing, it goes well with our modern home. We had lunch and as I was holding Carter I was amazed how many people approached us to say what a cute baby he was. He is a chick and older person magnet! We were again awful and bought his some awesome clothes. I love that damn Ralph Lauren and we scored this fabulous winter coat for next year. I figure that I'm not buying clothes for this body, so I can buy them for him (-: This Friday he has his 4 month check up, I can't wait to see what he weighs!

Screw you January

This is exactly how I have felt for most of January. It was such a difficult transition from a stay-at-home mom to a full time employee and a full time mom. I miss Carter terribly and I am pissed to be in a work environment while my child is being bathed and loved by someone else. I spend my entire day, including my work time, taking care of others and making their "reality" better, often to only get punched in the gut. This is my reality though and I need to make the most of it.

The most challenging thing so far has been the complete lack of time for myself. I honestly don't think I have more than 30 minutes to myself in a 24 hour period. I know that mothers have been saying this for years, but you don't understand it until you experience it. Somehow I am the last one standing, the last one left behind. Jesus I don't even wash my make-up off sometimes before I go to bed. Fitness...what in the hell is that? Groomed nails...I don't think so. God forbid I have time to read a book, listen to music or a peaceful spot I can zone out in without thinking that I have 4 loads of wash to do and there is nothing to eat in the house.

I'm pissed that I have not prepared myself enough for this. Maybe I should have frozen some soups or casseroles. Maybe I should have read more books on sleep schedules so that Carter would go to bed before 10:30pm. Maybe I shouldn't have gained so much damn weight before I actually conceived. Maybe I should learn to relax and work with what I have.

I'm excited about my new Gemini baby carrier and the fact that I am determined to take Carter on a walk tonight. Kent is being forced, by me, to learn 5 healthy meals that he can cook. I can not be the only one in our house who knows how to cook. It will bring resentment and a battle regarding "fairness" down the road. I am doing my best to make the most out of work and the fact that I do have to work. I'm definitely more touchy when it comes to work and my performance.

When I am feeling sad this is what helps me....

What I have learned in the last 3 weeks

I am sensitive
I am easily concerned over things I cannot control
I get anxiety far too often
I enjoy sleeping and have a baby who lets me have a good 7 hours a night
Work is called work for a reason, it's not called Play
My life is what I make of it
Change is not a bad thing, it just can be rocky at times

This past 3 weeks, since I returned to work, has been the absolute most stressed I have been in years. What I am happy to say is that I have not over indulged with food or alcohol and I have allowed myself to "feel" what I need to. Man has there been a lot of tear shedding and self doubt about myself. I had a pep talk with myself though and I am finding myself coming out of this fog. I am able to grasp reality easily and reconnect with what is important to me. I'm ready to take some chances and shake things up a bit, it is just time. I'm proud of my ability to relax when I get home from work and spend the evening playing with Carter and making dinner. I have the life I want, this is no joke. I am beyond overjoyed with my life and what surrounds me. I'm also willing to make the changes that are necessary to weed out what I no longer want. That is a beautiful thing. There's a new clarity that I have that could be do to the fish oil I am back to taking (I honestly swear by that stuff!). The most important point though, I am a working mom who is doing the best she can and it is pretty damn good.



Carter is cracking me up these days. He is happy, such a happy baby. He smiles constantly and is just about ready to start laughing. That I cannot wait for! He brings so much joy to those around him, he is my little shining light at the end of the day.

Pandora's box

Several days ago I asked Kent to go into the garage and pull out all of the boxes that are marked Lisa TT. These boxes of mine are all of the clothes that my mom and I packed up in April of last year, right before we moved into our new home. They are marked Lisa, as they are lady clothes and TT, means Too Tight. I thought I was all cute and witty as I was 2 months pregnant and I knew that I would not be wearing these clothes over the summer, especially as my belly grew bigger and bigger. These boxes, all 8 of them, have been stacked in the corner and looming over me. I knew that once I gathered the nerve to open them, it would be a little like opening Pandora's box.

These TT boxes were filled with sizes of a pretty big scale. Through my entire adult like I have fluctuated constantly with my weight. I held pretty steadily within a 10-15 pound range for several years, even through our early dating years and all of the fun food and wine. I can remember the weight coming on quickly through a stressful point in our relationship, work life, family life etc. Then so very slowly the weight would get lost. The quickest weight gain I had was definitely from June-December of 2009. This was a fast 25-35 pounds and they were all stress and pain induced regarding getting pregnant. All of these clothes that I marked TT, were essentially the clothes I wore prior to this time. Sure there were a few oddities that I had not worn in quite some time, like a size 12 Calvin Klein pair of jeans. I grabbed those jeans today and nearly crapped myself at how small they looked. Granted I only fit into them for about 9 days, the first 9 days of knowing Kent, but I still fit into them. These size 12's haunt me now, because I have no clue how I actually did get into them. They were snug, but nothing that What Not to Wear would hound me about. Now a size 12 may not sound small to some, but I was at one point a 24W, so that is a huge feat for me.

As I was repacking the clothes away, hoping to find a few of my work clothes that would fit, I felt really sad. I was sad for myself, but really sad for Kent. He just came into the office and saw me in here and I started crying and told him how sorry I was that I had let myself go, and I thanked him for being so kind to me. He was pissed and annoyed, as I am a broken record about my weight and health. I think that the weight gain from clomid, stress etc is the hardest for me to swallow as it was just a tough time. The good thing though is that I am ready to get back to that healthier size. I may not get into those size 12 Calvins, or have that super flat stomach I use to (that's what 10 grand and a tummy tuck gets you (-: ) But in all honesty I am ok with that. Most of those clothes in those boxes are obtainable, still fashionable and are ready to be hanging in my closet and not taking up space in my garage.

It seems overwhelming to get back into them, but in all honesty, I am not terribly far from it. Just like my wedding ring, which does get over my knuckle now, but is still too tight, I will get back into these clothes and that healthier lifestyle. Even though I am a mom, a full time employee, a wife and a friend, I am still responsible for myself and my emotions. It's time to work out the balance and get back into my good parts of myself.