City of Blinding Lights....

Why am I calling my end of the year entry this? It is one of my favorite U2 songs which just started playing and it is my wish that 2009 will be blinding with hope, love, change and a coming together of the world.

The past 2 weeks have been really tough for me. I have missed deadlines at work, became sick, was trapped by snow for several days and sort of just let Christmas pass me by. I feel like today I am finally waking up from a sort of coma. I think this coma was somewhat self-induced, but never less, I am just ready for January to come.

2008...probably the most exciting and nerve wracking year of my life so far. I could write pages and pages about my experiences of allowing myself to love my husband and to be loved by him. I am so fortunate to have Kent in my life and he loves me for all of the craziness and goofiness that surrounds me. Our wedding in July was such an amazing experience. I have never felt that much love and positive energy in one room. We had friends and family travel from all over to experience this day with us. I felt a bit guilty about the time and cost for people, but to be walking down the aisle and seeing everyone was priceless. I loved having people tell me how wonderful the wedding was and how much fun they had. This was our whole purpose in our planning. Kent and I had been single for many years prior so our friends and family have played a crucial role in our lives. This wedding was just as exciting for our guests as it was for us. I will forever remember that day as this pivotal point in my life where I have allowed myself to surrender these beliefs I have about acceptance, weight, love and worthiness. I still reach for these insecurities once in awhile, but bad habits truly are hard to erase.

I, along with most of the world, have felt an enormous impact regarding the security of our surroundings and our future. Money is such a frustrating thing. I was thinking this morning about how luxurious money felt while we were planning the wedding. Luxurious might be an odd word but when these large invoices and bids would be coming in for catering I would think nothing of it. My parents were so generous finacially, but Kent and I still paid a great sum for the wedding. I look at the wedding ring on my hand and it literally cost as much as my car. 6 months later I have a different vision of money, a bit more respect for its ability to provide security and peace. Our house went on the market right as the banks were in trouble and needed to be bailed out. I spent 3 months keeping this house spotless and hoping every night when I came home from work I would find a business card from a visiting agent. The cards slowly stopped appearing and it became apparent that our home was not going to sell. It is not your typical home so it needs to appeal to an investor, not a family. Investing stopped or slowed significantly and our vision of finding a new home stopped. As frustrating as this may be, I have been able to find some gratitude in our situation. If our home would have sold we would have been pretty much debt free and have a reasonable down payment. We would have been able to take 4 vacations in 7 months (Cabo, Palm Springs, New Orleans, Napa/Carmel/San Francisco and have a super expensive wedding without any debt. There would not have been the lesson that we are learning now..the lesson called a budget. As bizarre and embarrassing as this is to write, I have never really lived on a budget. If I want something, I usually get it, except my trip to France in High School--but that's another post. Now that we are saddled with more debt than we generally have it has become a challenge to pay it off. Not a challenge like, holy crap how are we going to pay our bills, but more of a challenge in making good decisions on where to put our money. One of my favorite lessons of 2008...budgeting!

As I am getting older I am realizing that I am turning into a worrier. I keep thinking to myself that everything that has happened in my life over the past 2 years has been so great, so when is that bad going to follow? Ups and downs are just a part of life, but I have sort of become that person who quickly analyzes and thinks through about the "what if's." Those things that I can't control are slowly grating me. I am like a 4 year old who constantly asks their mom "Why?" I am just saying "What if...?" It drives my husband crazy and it is really starting to get to me. My real goal for 2009 is to just take my life one day at a time and to realize that I am far more capable to handle diress than I think I am. It is sort of like the first day of a new quarter in college and you would get that syllabus and think, "There is no way in hell I can do all this!" Well somehow you get it done because you have no choice. I don't really like to give up, so I am really going to have a shift in thought and do my best to focus on the postives and the goals and not the what if's. I can't control everything so I will put my faith in the universe and hope it dishes out something reasonable.

Health. Really, I am not going to waste any time on this. I bitch so much about my weight anymore that I can't even stand to be around myself. My husband catches me freaking out about how tight my jeans are and feels frustrated for me, and for him. Along with having a gluttony of money/finances/spending we were so gluttonous with food and wine. Once that wedding was over and we fit into our suit/dress it was game on. We started on the honeymoon and have continued on. I did break a bone in my foot which really prevented me from doing any exercise, so I pretty much just lifted my hand to my mouth as a method of calorie burning for the past 4 months. We feel motivated though. We are frustrated with how we look, how we feel and the fact that we sort of just gave up on ourselves. I know that I personally slid very far on my list of things to take care of. I am ready to rewrite that list though and try to make some positive choices. I am not trying to have a massive/major makeover. I am still about 65 pounds lighter than I was 4 years ago. I know what I am capable of, because I have done it before. It is such hard work though and that does grow old. What I think grows old quicker though is the constant beating up on myself about the size of my legs or my tummy that is not a flat as it use to be. Plus my boobs are out of control..like if I go up another letter I will throw myself off a bridge (not really- but please Lord don't increse these watermelons another letter!)

My future...it is blinding with possiblity and I look forward to what is ahead. I actually have a partner in crime to plan things with and I can officially no longer check single on my tax returns! I have a husband to be my emergency contact and I love that! As pathetic as it may sound I am really just loving this little world that I am building with Kent. My dreams are big and my life and reality are only better. To 2009...may you bless all of us with peace, hope, triumph and a vision that is blinding with opportunity.

San Francisco. I love this picture because it is sunny and my tan husband is in front of a giant heart. You know this took some pleading to get this shot.

Here comes the snow....

So once again the snow is "possibly" headed our way and the newsmen/newswomen will be blaring about Storm Watch 2008 and usually getting everyone excited over what tends to be very little. Not only is it super cold right now, but the prediction is snow several times over the next week. On top of this I had a nail in my tire which only made things more annoying. My husband has to deal with my complaining about getting to work, dealing with my office possibly closing and all of the complaining patients and his own complaining clients. I remember LOVING the snow. Wearing my snow pants, boots, hat etc and playing in the yard with my sister. Now I just see a ton of drama. I'm cool if it snows and the roads don't get icy, but that rarely happens. I'm looking for a little smoothness in my land, but that doesn't seem likely for a few days.

I have started thinking about 2009, and my New Year's vision and prospects. I typically write a gigantic letter to myself over what has happened during 2008. It is a good time for me to reflect on everything and learn a bit about my choices and chances. Reflection is good...I tend to choose ignorance more often than not.

TGIF

I was busy this Friday so I was unable to post my TGIF gratitude post. This week-end I had a fun time seeing friends, renting out my soon to be vacant unit, making cookies with my mom and cuddling with my little Frank Kelley.

The entire time I was doing this there was my man, Mr. Davis as he is known to some, right by my side. He endures the parties with ladies, handles my freakout regarding our house and mortgage, my tears when I get upset about the size of my thighs and my laughter at how incredibly funny he is.

Can I really have another post dedicated to my man? Hell yes I can. I am finding myself loving him more and more each day. I see myself becoming more understanding, calmer and relaxed about us and our future. We are still working out the kinks, but I can't image doing it with any other person. I want him to always know how special he is and that he knows how thankful I am.



We have recently been getting questions regarding kids. Maybe people are looking at our crow's feet, but we are getting the looks and nods. My dad remarked to my mom recently that he thought we might be too busy to have kids. My mom walked by a sweet little pink jacket and said, "I love the color pink. I hope you have girls." A stranger told me that we should get a move on because having kids at an older age is hard. What I really know though is that I want my relationship with my husband to be super strong to endure the kids to come. I think it is so crucial that the couples foundation be firm and continue to be firm and nurturing. The relationship can get pushed to the side for a very long time during the kid years, but I really don't want that to happen. I am starting to see a very wonderful and exciting 2009. I have been a bit anxious lately about the future, what is going to happen, will we survive this econony etc. I know I will, I know we will, because we have each other.

Bring it on...

So I broke down today and bought myself a delicious Non-Fat Short Peppermint Mocha with no whip cream. Then I was in even more trouble when I saw that delicious looking Gingerbread loaf with the cream cheese frosting and chopped fresh ginger. Starbucks is promoting the campaign Red, which I am all about, as it is the brain child of my beloved Bono. Would these calorie filled items put me into more of a holiday mood? Nope...I just suffered from a sugar coma that was only resolved with another bite of chocolate that I found in my office kitchen while I was tidying up.

Now I will remind myself that delicious treats do not equal the holidays. They equal tighter pants and lower self esteem. So I say bring on the treats, I will do my best to have my power shield on full force to block out those desires to eat myself into an oblivion. My true test will be this week-end as I head to my parents house to bake holiday goods. Lord help me...my husband wants his muffin to be a min-muffin, not a big ass Costco sized one!

Why?

My dad asked me last Sunday, while we were waiting for a performance to start, to explain why I have a blog. Why would I want to air my dirty laundry? I don't really look at a blog as a way to air dirty laundry. I actually view it as a tool to stay close with friends and family, provide insight into this crazy brain of mine and at times to communicate secretly with my husband...honey, the dishwasher needs to be emptied. I have always been a person who enjoyed journaling but this is a new way. It allows me to barf out a ton of information in a relatively quick pace as my typing skills are quite good. I love to be able to at times post a picture or joke and to easily look back on my previous posts.

The other thing that I appreciate is at times the sheer honesty I write about. I am so grateful to people who tell the truth, tell it like it is and don't sugar coat everything. Right now I have had serious holiday poopy pants (my reference only) as I am struggling to find the celebrations of the past. It is scary right now for many people. Unemployment, insecurities about future prospects, 401K's and the fear of the unknown has really settled in. I have felt frozen at times due to my fear of paying my mortgage, even though my job and Kent's is secure. I feel like nothing is truly secure right now and I don't see the point in just keeping it to myself and pretending the issues are not there. Now granted very few people read this blog, but I know the 2 who do (and you know who you are) have always liked my honesty.

I hope that this blogging thing continues for me, particularly over the next few years when there is the possibility of kids (God help me) new homes, careers etc. I love to look back at my past years of journaling (1994 was a doozie) and learn from what I have felt and what seemed like such a crisis at the time. Maybe I will mature in front of the 2 of you, or just say something funny once in awhile. Either way, I am here to stay.

TGIF

Gratitude...today is suppose to be my day to find gratitude in the world. The last few days have been tough for me, gratitude is the last thing on my mind. I feel emotionally spent regarding our housing situation and the drama within our building. When I married Kent I knew he wanted to have multiple rental properties as they are excellent sources of income, particularly in the "older years." What I know now is that I do not want to live in our home, which is a rental property. Even though it is fabulous, it no longer feels like home. My "home" has turned into a business in my brain and I feel as if the administration is failing. My hands are tied though and I have to trust that as tenants go, someone will come.

Last night I was upset over recent conversations about our home and tenants and I actually just put my coat on, left my house without saying a word and drove around Seattle with no purpose. I use to go on long drives when I lived in Montana to calm myself or think through something difficult. Even though I was in rush hour traffic with no radio on last night I still couldn't calm down and process things. I found myself parking in front of Macy's and I contemplated buying some new clothes or something to cheer me up. Then I thought a big donut would make me feel better. I checked no for both of those items and drove home. I sat outside my house for a few minutes and realized that somehow everything will work out. My husband has a comfort level and style that is totally different than mine when it comes to our home and mortgage. I for once am the pessimist, a role I often don't find myself in. Kent is my optimist, he is always my optimist, regarding our housing situation and our future.

My gratitude today is for choosing to go home and not eat a donut or buy something frivolous just to feel better for a few seconds. Sort of an odd gratitude, but its the best I can come up with.

Great Joy

So maybe I am in a crazy mood, but I have a bit of the giggles right now after I discovered this long lost photo of mine from work...


Lately I've also taken great joy in a funny story my dad tells me about two people who went to his high school. To protect their anonymity, particularly since two people read this blog, I won't use their first names. One person had the last name Yankoff, the other person had the last name Mydinger...put them together and hyphenate that baby and you have a last name of "Yankoff-Mydinger." Maybe you have to hear my dad's laugh resonate when he tells that story. I usually look at him, or sometimes I even call him up on the phone and ask him to tell me that funny name of those people he went to high school with. My dad is a funny guy, still funny even though he is 60.

My husband and I are in a competition to have the most facebook friends. I'm going on a rampage one of these days to show him who really rocks the facebook world.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta..Ne Ne your honesty took my breath away and made me want to pee my pants. Bravo to the Bravo Network...you are my favorite waste of time.

Pork chops, Cream of Mushroom Soup and Rice do not magically make a fabulous meal just because you cooked it in the new LeCreuset that was received as a wedding gift. It tasted like crap and is still sitting in my fridge like it is going to marinate and become tasty. I just didn't want to clean the pot.

Ridiculous yes, but anytime I can get a chuckle, I'm up for it.

Thanksgiving Week-end

Kent and I were getting ready for bed the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving and we were discussing the holiday and our desire to sort of have our own holiday. I love my family and enjoy going to their home, but part of me would really love to try this Thanksgiving thing out. I don't really want to put my hand up a bird's butt, but I have a few recipes that I know would be winners for sure, and I would love to give it a whirl. I love the production of the holidays, the beautiful linens and fancy dancy that is possible. I also have a horrifically expensive set of beautiful china for 12 that needs to see a table sometime in the next year! I am determined, even if it is chicken fingers and fries. While Kent and I were discussing the holidays I brought up what it would be like if it was just the two of us. What if we didn't have family close or family that we weren't "close with?" Kent had no problem mentioning that he would be happy to spend it with just me. It is probably that little insecurity that sits on my shoulder and still questions why in the hell he married me. Not only did he marry me, but he would pick me to be the only person to hang out with on holidays?! Seems too far fetched to me but I do believe every word he said. Then he brought up how it would be fun to take a trip or rent a cabin somewhere. Suddenly I was transformed to a beach or cabin with a cozy fire and my favorite person on the planet next to me.

Back to reality though. We found ourselves in Puyallup, with my family, and the same old same old. Not to be ungrateful, but it is the same recipes, same sort of dry turkey and the constant bickering that comes with being a "Kelley." The bickering tends to be between my sister and I, but at times it is also between my parents, or the dogs, or my grandparents, or my sister and the barking dogs or me against the world. For years I wanted a fancy holiday, but that is just not my family. I wanted to wear beautiful clothes and sit around the table and discuss what we were blessed with. Maybe even go so far to write a small note to each person at the table. Instead we tend to sit and eat and usually complain about the dogs begging and waiting for my Grandpa to possibly say something and scream across the table so my Grandma can actually hear something. When we first arrived there seemed to be a tension in the air, it was thick, and I had no clue what it was about. Tends to be over something so minor, and that is so incredibly annoying. This is my family though, and there is no turning back. This is where I came from and for many years now this is all I know. There is just a small part of me who wants to shake it up, who wants to serve something other than the same damn side dishes. I want to turn the TV off and talk. I don't want the alcohol to run so freely and I want people to really focus on the day. It is not a day to stuff themselves, it is a day to ponder and think about what we have. Just last night Kent and I saw a documentary on the AIDS pandemic in Malawi and I still can't get those images out of my head. Maybe I am the one who is ungrateful? I will ponder some more.

My fabulous little puppy Frank Kelley and I had some serious bonding time so it eased my tension and brought a total smile to my face for the whole week-end. He is just fabulous and funny and my total buddy. My mom and I were up at the crack of dawn the next day buying things that nobody really needs. I couldn't turn down 2 screaming deal handbags. I'm still not losing weight, so a handbag is the best purchase as it always fits! After many hours of shopping I then was tortured to decorate my parents house. For pretty much ever I have been the decorator in my house. Now I am able to share this chore with husband, who really is such a trooper. What other man would be on a ladder to place a billion santa's all over the place? This man won his gold star and more!

Kent and I did pick up a tree for our place and the lights are on, but no ornaments. We have both been so tired, but I will find that energy tonight. I love the light that glows from the living room. It is so cozy that we just sit out there and talk. It is our own little quiet time and one that I am quite grateful for.

It can't be...

Is it honestly a few days away from Thanksgiving and 1 month exactly from Christmas? It seems so hard to believe. In years past there was more enthusiasm for the holidays, but due to the sliding economy, things have changed. The commercialism of the holidays is different this year simply because people are barely able to make their house payment, let alone fulfill a Christmas wish list. It is seeming to me that because the holiday gifts are unable to be purchased, the holidays are feeling like just another day. I'm not hearing of lavish parties, the "tickle me elmo of this holiday" or any true enthusiasm regarding the upcoming days. These are merely what I have noticed but the more I discuss it with others, the more I realize that I am on the same page as many. I personally enjoy the holidays for many reasons, not just for what is under the tree. Something in particular is the kindness and warmth that can come from complete strangers. It could be a warm smile in the elevator and good wishes by a stranger. It can be heartfelt and rewarding, like adopting a family in need and bringing them some holiday joy.

Kent and I have decided that since we had such a generous, almost glutinous year filled with travel and our wedding we were going to forgo the multiple presents and buy 1 nice piece of art. Our budget is also feeling very stretched, like most people, so I have been scanning the papers for fun, free activities that we can participate in and get the feeling of the holidays back into our spirits. We are looking forward to the viewing of the holiday ships, riding the carousel at Westlake Center and this year I think we are going ice skating. Kent is generally a trouper and just agrees to anything I usually want to do. We already have our decorating day in place, I am planning on sending out holiday cards, making very small gifts for co-workers and neighbors. I am also going to really remember all of the good that is in the holidays, the unity it brings forth in many communities. Kent and I do not practice any religion on an ongoing basis, but I really use to love going to church during the holidays and singing. We have tickets this year to see the Seattle Men's Chorus again and I can't wait. I use to love to sing, even though I have a horrible voice. This holiday I think my gift to those around me will be a little pep in my step and a bit of cheer. As Charlotte sang to Wilbur , "Chin up, chin up / Everybody loves a happy face / Wear it, share it / It'll brighten up the darkest place / Twinkle, sparkle / Let a little sunshine in / You'll be on the right side, looking at the bright side / Up with your chinny-chin-chin, chin up!

TGIF

Yes, today is Friday and I am thankful. I've also thought that this might be a good day to remember my gratitude and be thankful for more than having a week-end off. This has been a good week and a crazy week. My gratitude feels full this week for the following:

1)My husband understanding and putting up with my "moods"
2)My belief in myself that it is OK to have a mind that is large and full of thoughts
3)Enjoying my time with other people's kids and being able to leave and go back to my simple world for a bit longer
4)My comfy new couch and pretty furniture
5)Good friends who remind me that friendships are so important
6)A fabulous meal cooked for me by a very caring person
7)My cats fur is slowly returning to normal
8)This Sunday I have nothing planned! Yeah
9)The totally unplanned lunch I just had with my husband during the work week...a work day lunch...this so never happens

Gratitude is something I am especially trying to rediscover right now. I feel a bit out of touch with reality and at times I am unable to see my truly good fortunes.

It is good to have gratitude

What's that smell...?

It is the smell of fear. I finally figured out this crazy stress and anxiety I've been under the past few days. It is wrapped up in a pretty package with a name tag that says My Name is Fear. Now that I know this and have a bit more understanding I hope to God I can figure out what to do with it.

Fear is so common, especially lately, in these very traumatic financial times. I love that I had my light bulb moment yesterday when I realized my fear is solely based on the fact that my life, especially my financial life, is now more than just I can handle. By this I mean my mortgage, responsibilities and preferences are out of just my ability to control and repair. It been quite some time that I have felt like a dependant. I've been taking care of myself financially for many years. Sure my parents have given me a little bonus every now and then, but generally my bills are mine and I figure it out. Regardless of how hard I work, I am now a DIY or Dual Income Yuppie (what some mean check out lady told me I was at the Joanne Fabrics in Ballard as I was so impressed with all my wedding crafts I was DIYing). Anyways, it is a weird thing to be like, "Honey, do we have some money so I can get a massage?" Or discuss the grocery bills, the life bills, the bills, bills, bills. I a super organized dork with my spreadsheet of bills and due dates and I know which bills I pay out of what paycheck. I make exactly the same every paycheck which is truly an organized and planning woman's dream. I even keep a checking register and write down every transaction, even the few dollars I might spend on parking. I also have a secret tactic of rounding everything up so that my account has a little padding and I secretly save without knowing it.

So this fear will come now and again until I get use to my husband plopping a chunk of change into our account. His pay days don't come on a scheduled basis like mine. Lately I feel like we have hit the jackpot with his little pile of dough he hands over to me to "do what I would like with." So Mr. Davis, sorry for the drama lately! Your muffin loves you and has a febreeze ready the next time that smell hits our home.

The rules of discussing happiness

How many times a day do you get asked, "How are you," or "How are things?" Possibly because I am in the public eye I get asked these question often. Patients who have been coming to the office I run are often wondering how I am doing and what has been going on. This beautiful, giant diamond ring on my left hand usually gives them quite a bit of joy and many questions to ask me. For the sake of not disclosing too much info to the patients I always give them an answer that makes them feel satisfied. I usually give a pleasing answer to most of those around me as well. When we ask such open-ended generic questions about happiness or feelings do we really want to hear the truth? I personally love it when someone is honest. I love it when someone actually tells the truth. The first month of having a newborn at home can not be easy, yet I always hear about how wonderful it is. The first few months of a new marriage can be trying, but all you hear about is wedded bliss. Is there anything wrong with speaking the truth, telling people what is really going on?

A few years ago, well more like 8, I had just graduated from the University of Washington. It took me forever, but I ended up with a degree in Sociology. I had visions of saving the world and working for an organization that could solve problems regarding health care, children's welfare or education. When you are in school they pump you full of do-good because you were sitting in a classroom and paying your dues for an education that would provide you a better life and a better income which could equal more happiness. I loved school and would never have changed anything, except I would have gone back for a Master's degree strictly for the love of learning. What I did find out though was how difficult it was to transition out of college and into the real world. I was plagued with uncertainty and I was so tired of hearing about how many opportunities I had before me. I was searching and searching for the answer and I discovered a book called "The Quarter-Life Crisis." This book was a voice of my peers who were facing the same daunting tasks of figuring out a career, paying off student loans and feeling satisfied. It was so refreshing to hear people speaking the honest truth about the difficulties they were facing. This wasn't a book filled with complaining and whining, it was actually just people being real for once about their happiness, their struggles and the same thoughts that I am sure plenty of my friends were experiencing as well.

We all define our happiness through different measures and there seem to be rules into the degree that we discuss our happiness with the outside world. I know many people question writing personal things at all in a blog or journal for fear someone may actually read them and discover the truth. I've been told repeatedly that my lips should be sealed when I am feeling insecure about myself and Kent is around. I've been told he shouldn't know these issues I have with myself because it will just give him another way to view my ways, my life, and possibly a view of me he didn't have before. Doesn't the truth have the potential of setting us free and gain some possible comfort, scolding or support?

Yesterday when Kent and I went shopping I tried on a blouse. I haven't been clothes shopping for several months because I have gained weight and I am upset about my appearance. While I was in the dressing room I was amazed at the image I saw. I do know that overhead lighting provides an awful backdrop to anything, but this image was pretty tough. I saw a body that had been pretty neglected (no fitness, poor food choices) and I was immediately upset. I started crying when I showed Kent the blouse, I couldn't even look him in the eye. Was it wrong to be so raw and honest with my husband about how I was feeling about myself? Do I really need to pretend that everything is OK even though I am about 13 pounds heavier than when we said I do? The tough part about weight gain or loss is that it is obvious to the entire world what is happening- you are either shrinking or growing. I have been doing both of these since I was a little girl. Kent can tell I have gained weight, I don't need to tell him this. He would never say anything to me, but we both comment on the tightness of our clothes and our desire to get back to the gym. I don't want to fake these emotions with my husband just so that he can feel better about me. I am sure some people may shake their head at this posting because I just don't get it. I do know how visual humans are, I have been overweight my whole life. I have been invisible to most men my entire life because of my body and the layer I enclosed myself in. I don't think that I should have to be invisible with my feelings though, because honestly, these are the only thing I had for many years. My feelings about life, my feelings about myself. Everything was mine only, because it was just me. When Kent is having a tough day, I now feel that too, because I want to. I want to support him and see if I can help him. Yesterday in that dressing I did not feel happiness, I felt an incredible surge of pain from many, many years of being overweight. When my husband saw me he first saw the woman he loved in a fun blouse and then he saw the true Lisa at that time. We can't be happy all the time and we can't act like we are happy all the time. Life is not about acting, life is about living. I am truly a very emotional and thinking human, at times it is probably frustrating to Kent because I focus so much on things. This is me.

I do know that at times I am unhappy, at times I am sad, at times I am emotionless, at times I am elated with joy, at times I am pleased and many many times I am just right. In reality there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. The rules of discussing this happiness does not exist, because there really is no rules to love. Love is a great thing, even when you are in a Michael Kors blouse at the Downtown Seattle Macy's feeling sensitive about your body and all your husband sees is the lady he loves. My gratitude today is actually to myself. I am grateful that in those times of serious uncertainty and mental strain that I actually let myself feel those feelings, instead of acting and covering them up. I've covered myself and my emotions for years, it is time to really take these layers off.

You've got to have friends...

Before I was married, or even dating Kent, I felt like my phone rang off the hook. By Tuesday I pretty much knew what I was going to do over the week-end. I am fairly social and would rather be with friends than at my apartment by myself with my sweet dog Frank Kelley.

Can you believe how cute he is!

I was very active with my friendships and worked hard at them. I remembered birthdays and planned social outings as much as I could. As time has passed though I have found myself slowly less social, or I should say social in a different way. Before I met Kent I would come home after a day of working in a busy medical practice where I was constantly moving, talking and thinking and I would just sit and watch TV, read a book and walk Frank. I found ways to occupy my time and I did get lonely now and then. I would often call my friend Susan and we would chat constantly, even though we had emailed all day long too. Susan was my person, sort of like Meredith and Christina on Grey's Anatomy. That is just us, we talk and talk and always have each other's back. That is a cool feeling to just know you have a person.

Susan & I a few years ago

Now that I have been in a relationship for the past 2 years and recently married I have found myself reaching less and less for the phone or my calendar to plan events. I have someone to eat with, go to the movies, shop (I know, I can't believe it either) and offer companionship. I don't have to schedule this time because Kent and I are a team, we are constantly together and checking in.

Recently I was thinking to myself that my own phone is quiet silent. I will have the occasional phone call, but it is pretty much silent. It makes me sort of sad, but it is understandable. As I have changed, so have many of my friends and relationships. Some are having babies, some are dating, some are moving and starting new careers. People change, relationships change, life changes. I struggle a bit with change but I know that this is just a natural progression. I also know how much I love my friends and how important their friendships are to me.

One of the things that I have enjoyed about this blog is the newly rekindled friendship I have with my friend Lucy. We met one another at 4 Georgians Elementary School in Helena Montana. We lived in the same neighborhood, only a few blocks away. We did so many things together, we were true buddies. I remember how much we would laugh and how we had big plans for our futures. We would do the craziest things, all that are too many to tell. We have different lives, but I can still remember our love of Bon Jovi, how we would watch TV in my parents basement and how I was the same height as she was in the 6th grade. Lucy has surpassed my height by many, many inches, but that's ok. She now has a family of 3 boys, a husband whose on a new adventure and finally done with school, but she did something so wonderful...even through all of this she came to my wedding. She left her family and made a special trip to see me get married. We hadn't seen each other for several years, I think our high school reunion was the last time. When we saw one another at my wedding I was so elated. This feeling reminded me of when I was leaving for Seattle to go to college. I was one of the first people to leave for school and we were at a party with many people. We each left the party separately, but I realized I didn't get to say good-bye and spend a few moments with my friend. At 3am I ran over to her house, like I would have when I was 9 years old and we hung out until 5:30am, when my parents and I were suppose to be leaving for Seattle.

I have been reading Lucy's blog for several years now and I have so enjoyed seeing her family and her life. I don't have the family Lucy does or the same responsibilities, but when I read her posts I can still hear her voice, her laugh, and I feel like I am getting an audio reading of her life. Having Lucy make such huge leaps and bounds to make it to my wedding, where I literally had 5-10 minutes with her, proves to me how strong friendships can be. How even though it was only a few minutes, it meant so much to me. We may not be running over to each other's houses anymore, or sharing a Diet Pepsi and watching Beverly Hills Cops on the VCR, but we can still find one another through this world wide web.

My gratitude today is my friends. Regardless of how often I see them or speak to them, they are still my peeps and I love that about each of them. Thank you Lucy for reminding me of this.




PS...Sorry I had to steal your picture--I didn't carry a camera with me that day!

My man...

For some crazy reason I find that society as a whole often forgets the gratitude they have to those people that they are blessed with, in love with, friends with and confidants with. We get busy and accustomed to these people being around us and at times we take advantage of their companionship and love. So today in a quick post I want to give a shout out to my husband (still makes me laugh to say this). Everyday I see the small and subtle ways he tries to make me happy. The funny thing though is all I need is to see his smile and a big hug. I appreciate how much he tries to do things around the house, how he has such a fantastic eye for detail and how he doesn't sweat the small stuff. Even when he is dog-ass tired he will still listen to me for hours about some drama or funny story and never gets annoyed (or at least he doesn't show it). He will "make it happen" in a moments notice and understands when I need his help, his ear or just some time to myself.

To my Kent, thank you for being such a rock in my world. Thank you for being a protector, comedian and best man friend anyone can ask for.
I love you honey.

Who knew....

Who knew we have so much crap filling our house up? We took the triplex off the market so now we are working on sprucing it up. We are not done, but super close. I did take before pictures and will post the after photos when it is complete. Here's the problem Kent and I have now that we are staying put, we have SO much stuff...things that really don't mean much to me, but are important to Kent. I am a super sentimental person, but I have a great memory and generally only need some photos to cherish the times. Kent has a collection of many items that are important to his family, his heritage and his memories. Life and marriage is about compromise, but wow, I am so not use to having so many "things." We laugh at how I love a tidy place, but this is a place for both of us to make a home out of it. I love everything we have done so far and I can't wait until things are put in storage, things are taken to Goodwill and the rest of the furniture arrives. Seattle's rainy times are here now and I think the new furnishings will help us survive another gray and cold winter.

On a positive and personal note I have finally hit the eating wall. I have been so out of control lately with my food so thankfully I woke up the other day and said enough is enough. I turned down several sweets from patients and threw away what little junk food was in the house. Kent and I are both ready to get back on track. There is a little embarrassment and frustration that I still have about how I sort of just quit the healthy lifestyle I use to live. What I will focus on though is the baby steps I will take again towards those positive goals of health. Plus my pants are so dang tight I might split the ass out!

TGIF....

It has been such a long week. I feel a bit like a broken record. This morning I woke up after another restless night of sleep and just felt so emotional about going to work. Stress is a part of all of our lives, but I am not use to having it for such a long period of time. Kent and I were driving last night and I told him I needed a mantra for when the "evil thoughts/stresses/worries" of the work world entered my brain at all times of the day. Kent's mantra was simple and perfect. "I have a life"...this is my mantra for when the creeping insecurities of life bog me down. I have more than just a life, I have a great life. I have the most amazing partner and best friend (male friend I tell him) in the world. My gratitude for the day is my husband, who I adore. Thank you for putting up with me and loving me until the end. Even when I'm snarky or have a 'tude.

What I also love about my husband is the fact that we are both so in sync about many things. This week-end we are painting our TV room and our new furniture will arrive next week-end. I will for sure post a before and after. I'm nervous about the color I chose, but we can always paint it again. Since our home did not sell, we are taking it off the market and allowing ourselves a bit of luxury and redoing some parts of the home. Our TV room has the most uncomfortable sofa but it is something that is "classic" as Kent says and we will one day re-upholster it and put some thicker cushions on it. We have also just picked out our "first Christmas together gift" (who knew these existed). It is a beautiful piece of art that we found at a gallery on Bainbridge Island last week-end while we were lunching with friends. It was one of those pieces that while we were casually walking past the gallery we both saw it and had to go in and see....

There is something so simple and beautiful about this painting. We are going to re- frame it, but I think it will look lovely in our new TV room. Honey Happy First Christmas and Birthday (-; Thank you for having such a fabulous vision. Love Your Muffin!

The tough road ahead........

Last night as I heard fireworks in my neighborhood I knew what had just happened. Due to my incredible amount of anxiety I wouldn't allow Kent and I to watch the news or CNN. We were watching Desperate Housewives when the news broke that Obama won. I wanted to try and avert my attention to a ridiculous TV show while the votes were still coming in. I truly did not think we would know who our next President would be until late in the night. When those fireworks started though I knew it. I started screaming for Kent to give me the remote and I quickly turned the channel and saw it. Tens of thousands of people feeling exactly my emotions. Wow! We had just elected Barack Obama to be our next President. I honestly am not a political junkie, I just felt such a strong urge to have a completely different vision for this country. I went to bed with a smile on my face...it could have been from Obama's speech or the wine, pizza and gelato I had consumed that evening.

Now that the news is settling in around the world I am realizing what a tough task this will be. Regardless of who would have won, either of these men would be in for a tough road. I do feel though that Obama will somehow gather his strengths and manage it the best he can. This morning I was driving to work and really reflecting on this change that is taking place. I was thinking about the determination it took for Obama to get elected. For almost 2 years he has been on the campaign trail trying to get his voice heard and to accomplish the goal he set out to win. Here is the part of this story that actually pisses me off to write about; my brain actually thought today that if a Black man can be President, than I can lose weight. My weight has always been a struggle, like a serious struggle. It consumes my life and predicts what type of day I will be having. I sort of see the road Obama and I have ahead of us as one that is going to be bumpy for some time.

For the past several months I have turned to food as a way to comfort myself. It is frustrating that I do this though because it causes problems in my moods, my relationship with Kent and the way I feel about myself. I keep making excuses for why I can't workout or why I can justify the large amount of food or poor choices. I am so fed up though with thinking about my weight. I honestly think this is one of the reasons why I have pretty much given up on myself. It is just so overwhelming to have to think about every little thing that enters my mouth. It pisses me off when other people eat the same way or even worse and they don't gain a pound. I'm sick of hearing about how I am big boned, or that I am muscular. The truth is that I have just given up on myself and I can not do this anymore. My life is bigger than just what I see or think. Kent and I are thinking about kids and I want to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. This task of losing weight and preparing my body is honestly going to be a very difficult task for me. I may need to just focus on the determination Obama held during this campaign and pay careful attention to the fact that it was a long and steady race, but he finished first.

It is probably pretty shallow to be writing this post. I see no need though to not write about what I am thinking. I have been on a diet since I was 6 years old. Honestly, 6 years old. I have tried every diet book, scheme or gimmick I can get my hands on. When I think about my future I see one big a** road with many twists and turns, but somehow I am going to jump on my determination bandwagon and find a way to reach my health goals. To President-elect Barack Obama, thank you for giving me a little extra push to accomplish a goal that I have never thought possible; a healthy body weight. Being elected the first Black President and losing weight may not be the best correlation, but I think we can all recognize that determination is determination, we each just have a different goal.

Wishin' and Hopin' and Prayin'....

I really don't want to jump onto the political soapbox or bandwagon right now but I am sitting here with butterflies in my tummy wondering how the evening will progress with the political maps and electoral votes. I have always had my own beliefs regarding abortion, gay rights, human rights and equality. We are all entitled to our opinions and beliefs. That is one of the things that is so appreciated by the outside world. You can have an opinion and not be worried about voicing it.

This morning Kent was asking me why I was so nervous and I yelled back, "we are going to have kids in the next 4 years, do you really want them to be born in this world?" OK so maybe this is super irrational. I am just feeling like this country, this world needs the US to pull itself back together under a new direction. I remember when I was in Prague and Berlin in the fall of 2004. The debates between Kerry and Bush had just taken place and the first 6 pages, 6 PAGES, of the newspapers in Berlin & Prague were regarding the debates. I want everyone to really think about this. How many times has social injustice, war or an outbreak happen in another country and we are completely oblivious to it. 6 pages of these two major papers were regarding the debates and what each of these candidates believed in. The US at times does not see how this country is a foundation for the entire world. Just look at our housing and stock markets...the Dow crashes and it creates world wide panic and crisis.

I have no idea how tonight is going to turn out. I am not going to call it a victory until there is absolutely no possible way that the presidency will sway from one party to another. I am not running to Canada if my particular choice does not win. I will have to hope that either way this country will find a way to unite again. I am still wishin' and hopin' and prayin' for my candidate!!

Post Halloween 2008

Halloween 2008 was another fun year filled with ridiculous costumes, laughter and beer. Thank you Monika to another great Halloween and a pot full of yummy spiked cider. Kent you rock my world as Richard Simmons...
Can you believe I married this man?

Our lovely hostess Monika went as the fabulous Dolly Parton...

The more reserved Dolly costume of the evening

I chose to be Candy the Cougar. An older lady on the prowl for a younger man..

The sad part is that I actually OWNED all of these clothes and makeup!


We had many other fabulous guests, Amy Winehouse

MacGrubber, A Teletubby and more. Everyone had a great time and we can't wait until next year. Our annual Halloween party at Monika's...woo hoo! Thanks lady!

Take it away......

Why oh why do I always insist on purchasing Halloween candy for the clients at work? Every year I pull out the Orange Pumpkin and filler up. But let's be clear; hand to God I know that this candy is truly for my cravings. Who doesn't love a mini piece of chocolate? Baby Twix, Snickers, 3 Musketeers etc. If you say you don't I will not believe you. I'm not going to call you a liar, but we know you are. The only person who I know would answer that they don't love mini chocolate is my trainer Chris. She is one of those crazy people who are in the minority and lust after broccoli like I do for fabulous cheese and bread. So now for the past two days I have casually passed by the orange pumpkin only to be taunted by its hidden gems. Somebody, anybody, please take that damn pumpkin away!

Pre-Halloween Love

As long as I have known Kent he has had a serious passion for Halloween. Not the type of passion that involves candy, even though he does LOVE candy. Kent has forever loved the craziness and dressup that is involved with Halloween. I would give anything to post photos of some of his previous years costumes, but he would kill me. Past costumes were: Mrs. Roper from Three's Company, Anna Nicole Smith, Luke Skywalker, some batman character and more. Last year Kent and I were invited to an impromptu Halloween party at our friend Monika's house. We literally had about 3 hours notice to pull something together. I do not share Kent's passion, but I will join in because I know how much he loves it. Kent ran down to our storage in the building and brought up 3 large boxes. Within these boxes I found several delights and items that made me question who I was dating. The man had all of these wigs, shoes, clothes and hats. It made no sense to me. Leopard underwear; there were leopard underwear in his box. Like tight underwear, almost speedo like. He went into a big speech about how it was from his fraternity days---I felt like that made it even worse. Kent is funny like this and that is why I love him. Here's a few photos from last Halloween. Kent was a butt rocker and I was his lady Shirley.



This Halloween we are going to Monika's again, which we are super excited for. Wigs are mandatory and do I have a doozie. Kent and I have not spent a lot of time on this year's costumes, but I do hope they turn out great. We are off to JoAnn Fabrics tonight to pick up some embellishments. It reminds me of the good old days of wedding planning. I am afraid to think of how many GoodWill's I will have to enter as well. Kent refuses to go to a costume shop for his items- he says there are hidden gems within those thrift store walls. Being the spoiled woman I am I only smell something funky and see a lot of crazy crap.

Stay tuned for pictures from tomorrow night....Have a safe and spooky night!

Inner Arnie

The more I think about the past few weeks and the distress I have been in, the more I realize that I really need to find a way to block things out. Why do I have to be so stinkin' sensitive? I have been this way my entire life though. I'm the peacekeeper of my family, my friendships and my co-workers. Here is the problem with being sensitive and feeling the need to fix things...I don't have complete control over my job, my life, my world; this is just a fact. This is not to say that I will give up and take on a bit of a victim status. All I really can do is to recognize that by carrying around this frustration and anxiety from situations I have no control over will do me no good. Somehow I am going to block out these situational problems that I can not fix and focus on the fact that I did my best and that is it.

These situational problems are truly starting to feel like poison to me. They seep in and bring out the worst in me. I have a feeling though that if I can learn to control my emotions and what I let effect me, I will truly be a happier person. This morning I gave myself a little pep talk to start out my week. I was that crazy lady you see talking to herself in her car. As I was driving I was thinking of when I started personal training. I started needing to find ways to block out the sheer physical pain and override it. I started thinking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and his fitness. I'm no fan of Arnold, but you have to admit that man has some come to Jesus discipline with his fitness. I would start to tell Chris(my trainer) that I needed to find my "inner Arnie" when I felt like if I did another lunge I would fall over and die. This mental change would actually help me finish my workout and at times motivate those around me. My training classmates would scream at me when our thighs were burning hotter than a forest fire, "Lis- Where the hell is Arnie!" I love my workout ladies...look at these fabulous people.



I now realize that I need to find the same discipline and mental change with my emotions. I don't know who my mental motivator should be. For now though, I will think of my Inner Arnie and have him kick some serious butt with all that crap in my life that I just can't control. Whack! Take that!

Happy Three Months of Happiness

We received a card and gift certificate in the mail yesterday from one of our wedding guests and it said, "Happy Three Months of Happiness." I first thought to myself, it can't already be three months. Then I actually switched gears and thought, has it really only been three months, it feels more like 6 months or even a year since our wedding day.

Patients ask me all the time, "How was the wedding," "How is everything" etc. I am actually totally honest with them. There are days that Kent and I are so in sync and days when I feel like we are polar opposites. There has been a tremendous amount of stress in our lives so it has affected our relationship and this supposed honeymoon phase we are to be in. The whole world is affected though; the economy is tough, job layoffs are rapid and there is an uncertainty about where we are all headed. This is truly the first time in my life that I have followed the Dow Jones and actually tried to understand what is happening. My future, my retirement does matter now. It feels SO far away, but in all honesty, it will be here quicker than I think.

I was telling a co-worker today that I wasn't terribly religious but I do believe that whoever is upstairs is not going to give me more than I can handle. I feel like my list of worries and stresses is at the breaking point, so I do hope that things calm down and return to their somewhat normal stages. I do know that I am on a bit of heightened sensitivity so even the smallest things, the most impractical things can push me to tears or cause anxiety. These are new symptoms in my life, but everyone cries and everyone gets fearful. My life has been pretty immune to craziness, drama and instability. My life is more than just myself now. It is a life with my fabulous husband who truly is doing the best he can. When I called him sobbing on Tuesday because my gynecologist said some truly mean and hurtful things about my weight, these were waiting for me when I came home.

Kent often tells me he is "bad with his words," but when your favorite flowers are waiting for you at home, you don't need to say anything at all. I, on the other hand, am the talker type and I do best when I can talk or write about my feelings. This is one of the reasons I chose to write this blog. It is just my little escape right now, and I am actually enjoying this. I enjoy thinking things through and putting them on this blog. I also love the fact that my husband reads this and thinks that it is funny sometimes and that I am a good writer. He is probably suppose to say those things even if he doesn't think it.

The front of the card we received shows a wedding get-away car with a sign that says Just Married. The inside of the card is imprinted with, "Best wishes for a long and happy ride." This will definitely be a ride baby, but I am so glad that I have you by my side. Happy Three Months of Happiness Kent....thank you for making all my dreams a reality. In true honesty, my life is better than I could have even dreamed of.

R-A-K

Recently I was thinking about kids and the serious changes that happen to a couple when a baby arrives. I look at blogs of friends and strangers and see the sheer magnitude of work and love that comes from having children. I developed an idea for Kent and I to give it a try. I call it Rent-A-Kid or RAK for short. Is it a tad tacky and impersonal; sure it is. I could think of a whole bunch of worse situations I could put myself in, so RAK is actually a good plan for many reasons. 1) It allows us to get a small glimpse of the functions of having a child. 2) We are able to see new things through a child's eyes and our future with little people. 3) It is totally fun because at the end of the exhausting day I can send the sweet, tired, over sugared little one back to their parents. I think of us as being super young and trendy Grandparents.

The first RAK experiment was with my sweet little Freddie, the son of Kent's DEKE Brother Fred from college. He is about 3 1/2 and so much fun. He is all boy; loves robots, video games and his bulldog Penny. He runs smack dab into a wall and just picks himself up and continues on. I decided that I wanted to go to a pumpkin patch and that it would be great if Kent and I took Freddie. Once I called Fred and got the OK it was game on. I did a little research and found the perfect place, Remlinger Farms in Carnation WA. We picked a date and then fear set in. I started thinking to myself...this is an hour drive from Seattle, can we handle this? I thought about actually just taking him to my local QFC as the parking lot has been transitioned into a make believe pumpkin patch. Deciding this was taking the easy road I called in additional resources; my parents. I figured that this was also a good idea for me to test out their abilities to be Grandparents and for us to see how much coercion it was going to take for them to babysit our kids. Bob and Shirley took the bait, like practically jumped at the chance.

So the day came and we were both tired and a little hung over. We had a party at our house and the guests didn't leave until after 1am. We were to be at Freddie's house at 11am. We rolled in and found him playing video games in his jammies. We ate breakfast together and then I helped him get dressed. That was my first lesson I learned that day. Kids, or maybe just this kid, likes to put both his arms and head into the shirt all at once. This became my first note to self of the day. We wrangled the car seat into my car (which apparently is equipped well with stuff for a car seat) got Freddie all situated and we were off.


The first few minutes Freddie was just sitting there. He was all bundled up...jacket, hat and mittens attached but not on his hands. It was a little chilly, but I was thinking to myself that this kid has to be roasting. He giggled a little and then chatted to himself and then the kicking of my seat started. I found myself constantly trying to see him in my mirror to make sure he hadn't somehow put a huge hunk of crap in his mouth and was choking. He would see me and smile. We talked about the beautiful color of leaves...red, orange, yellow. At one point we thought we were lost so we put him on the lookout for a bridge we were suppose to cross. The ride there was perfect. We pulled up to the parking lot and looked at each other like...here we go.

I started pulling him out of his car seat and Freddie said, "I'm sweaty." I knew it! I stripped him down a bit and then grabbed his backpack that had so much crap in it I just started laughing. He looked at me and I asked him if he wanted to wear it and he said yes. After we put it on him we realized he was barely able to stand, let alone walk, because he was so weighted down. Realizing this was probably for us to carry we took it off him...and his energy quickly returned. We found my parents and started off for the pumpkin fields. We had parked in a different lot and I knew it was going to be a bit of a walk, like maybe 1/4 of a mile, but I figured this kid has serious energy. Well this kid did great, but half way there he was tired and looked and me and said, "carry me." Good God these kids are like dead weight. I thought I was strong, but man, they get heavy quickly. We finally made it to the field and Freddie wasn't really into it. He was more into the stick he found and hitting the pumpkins with it. We (my parents..ha) picked and purchased a pumpkin for Freddie and a little pumpkin for his sister. He ran through the corn maize and was having a good day, but a tiring day. We had a little lunch and discovered he was more into chicken strips then grilled cheese and ketchup should be classified as a food, not a condiment. He ate enough to be qualified as a small cup of soup.

It was time to leave the patch and hit the road. He said good-bye to my mom Shirley as he loved to say her name. He looked at Kent and I and said, "I want to go in Shirley's car." My Mother has this things with kids. She instantly bonded with him and started playing games with him in the first 5 minutes. I told Freddie another day and we buckled him up and took off. Three minutes later he fell asleep.



Freddie was fabulous. We were so tired though that I literally thought I was going to need to sleep for 14 hours straight! My mom called me the next day and said she had so much fun, she wanted to do it again. She thought the zoo would be a good idea. I told her "woah lady!", then I realized that my RAK idea may have released that inner Grandparent in her. I think I'll give her Freddie's telephone number and they can become buddies for awhile. Kent and I still have some fun to be had, some selfish times to be had and an open road to discover. These ovaries and kicking something out every month...one day we will make that U-turn towards kids. For now though my RAK little one's are filling the need. Thanks Freddie!

PS...Freddie I now realize it is common for little people to be afraid of those big scary adult bathrooms. You held your pee for 6 hours and Aunt Lisa was worried about your bladder and shouldn't have offered to let you pee in the parking lot. Second note to self...

Ride Sally Ride

I am conflicted about the proper way to post my last few weeks at work. It is important to me that I do, but I am going to do so in a different way. Work is called work for a reason; it's not called play. I could focus for many paragraphs about my job and work life and the drama that has unfolded this week. I'm not going to do that though. This drama has robbed me of several week-ends, sleepless nights, a bad tummy that will not go away and a little of my spirit. I am not going to focus anymore on this drama; I am instead going to focus on the human elements we all have within us, some having more than others. This is an entry about the beauty we all have within ourselves, if we are each willing to discover it.

My friend and co-worker Sally is the type of woman that you marvel at and also scratch your head at. She truly knows how to make lemonade out of lemons, and you wonder how she gets by with it and still has a positive attitude. Sally has a smile on her face that lights up a room and a heart the size of Montana. She has spent many years on this earth being a good mom, the best mom she could be and she is now in those years of reflection; those years when your focus turns inward. She's been faced with some information over the past few days that has really made her shift her focus around and see new and unexpected challenges ahead. It is what Sally has done in this shift that has made me so very proud to be her friend and her co-worker. Sally is truly an amazing woman. She is a woman who is short changed at times and deserves far more credit than she receives. The difference in Sally is that she doesn't need this credit, Sally knows who she is and understands her place and purpose. She has such a strong grasp on this that it makes me grateful to have had Sally in my life for the past 6+ years.

Sally you will soon not be in my world on a daily basis, but your memories, your joy and that smile will be in its place; forever. I will raise my keyboard and a drink to your new adventures Sally. You have brought more to my world than you will know and I am here today with my gratitude for your friendship. Here is to my Mustang Sally.....Ride Sally Ride...wherever and however life will take you.

Snap out of it!

This is what I have been telling myself lately...snap out of it! Should I slap my ass and say "move it along...get on with it?" It's ok to be in a bummer of a mood, we all get in them from time to time. I am just one of those personalities that is upbeat and jovial.

I mean look at this girl....
Anyways, I'm just in a bummer of a funk, like funk with a capital F. It happens to the best of them, and now it is my turn to take the drivers seat. My poor husband has been dealing with the funk for far too long. The man gets a big Gold Star. Kent is not perfect, but he has been supportive and helpful during my Funk. My BFF Susan has also been my rainbow in the clouds lately, even though she is raising a 11 1/2 month old nugget on her own while her husband is in Iraq. Once in awhile we have to just accept that we need our friends, we need our loved one's and we need a little nurturing for ourselves.
So thank you to my peeps for being there for me. It'll get a little brighter soon, I just know it will. As Maya Angelou says, "When it looks like the sun wasn’t gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds."

Coat of Many Colors

Gratitude, thinking about being grateful. Thinking of those people in my life that I love and care for deeply. Thinking of our sweet little kitty Stoney and my beloved dog Frank Kelley who is living the high life in Puyallup with my parents. Thinking of my broken toe/bone that is slowly healing and no longer aching. Thinking of my pot of chili that I made the other night in the crock pot and my husband saying, "This is damn good chili." I'm thinking of the good in life and trying to get my perspectives back about life and reality.

Several months ago I was looking at Ticketmaster and saw that Dolly Parton was coming to town. Kent's good friend Monika, and now mine (Yeah!) loves Dolly Parton, I mean like crazy loves her. I have enjoyed a little 9 to 5 now and then and I think she is just a kick! Monika gave me a greatest hits CD of hers for a birthday present and I was hooked. When I emailed Monika about Dolly she was no-holds-bar going for the premiere seats for the both of us. I was in the middle of planning my wedding and there was just no extra funds available, particularly in the amount of $250.00 per ticket. Monika is that type of friend who just says to hell with it, we are going sister.

So it was to great joy that I found myself in a small theatre in the 9th row watching this icon of a woman dressed to the nine's in all her glory. Monika and I were so excited that night, I mean the type of excitement where you stand in front of your closet and wonder what would possibly be good enough for Dolly. I wore as much flash and dash as I could. I figured this was THE Dolly Parton and you either go big or go home. When the show started and she came on stage I lost it, I mean like literally lost it. She spent the next two hours singing and speaking of love, her childhood and her joys. The audience was made up of the young, the old, gay and straight. It was the human element that I just could not get over. When she sang her song "Coat of Many Colors" I remember thinking how blessed I have been over the years. I felt blessed sitting in that theatre with my friend Monika and sharing this experience together. I had just returned from my honeymoon a few days prior and my heart was still overwhelmed with the experience of getting married.

As I have struggled a bit these past few weeks I have turned to my Dolly CD's (yes, I now have more than 1. I also have a kick ass black jacket and bag--the matching to Monika's set). I like to put on Coat of Many Colors and hear Dolly's childhood story of her mother making her a winter coat out of rags that were donated to the family. Dolly had gratitude in that jacket, gratitude in her family and gratitude for life. I may not have to wear a Coat of Many Colors, but I think all of us from time to time can benefit from the perspective of others. To Dolly...my gratitude for today and to Monika, friendship and kick ass 9th row seats.

One Day at a Time

So much has happened in the past few days. The type of drama at work that you just can't write about. I feel like the past few days are one of those entries that you write on paper and then rip up. I generally am excellent at being able to analyze and evaluate situations and my feelings. I'm just a little numb right now and my new motto is "One day at a time." I'm going to focus on the here and now, the today's here and now and do the best I can. I'm going to find the gratitude for my life that seems to have slipped away. I'm going to look at my husband and know that he too is doing the best he can.
Somewhere there is a glass slipper that I thought was to be placed on my foot when I was married. This glass slipper is my little version of la la land that I thought happened once you are married. While I did not receive a glass slipper, I did get very close; my husband bought me a pair of Christian Louboutin silver shoes for our wedding day, something that I had begged him for. We were at our rehearsal dinner and he presented me this beautifully wrapped box and I did not have a clue what it was. I remember being upset and frustrated because I didn't have anything for him to open as we had agreed to give our gifts to one another the following day. I took the ribbon off the box and lifted the lid and started screaming, I was almost embarrassed about my reaction. Here they were before me; the shoes I had been dreaming about walking down the aisle in. These shoes may look like a silver shoe, but what makes these so special is that every Christian Louboutin shoe has a red sole; a red sole. This is the color of love, this is the shoe I wanted so desperately. Sadly though they were too small. Kent did the best he could and did not know that these designer European shoes run really tight. When we came home that evening from our rehearsal dinner I was devastated. I actually spent hours (into the late night) trying to stretch these shoes out so that I could wear them down the aisle and show off their red soles. These ridiculously expensive shoes are a bit how I am feeling right now; left out, not fitting in any fashion of the word.
One day at a time though, I will take everything one day at a time.

I am so frustrated with how the past two months have gone. There are days that I get home and feel like turning out the lights and just drifting away. I am not a victim though, I am a fighter. I don't give up easily, I just feel as if the rules to the game have changed and I didn't get the update. So one day at a time, I will think of life one day at a time. When it gets too much to handle I will think back to my honeymoon, when Kent and I went and exchanged my beautiful shoes for a pair that actually fits. I chose a black pair because they were more practical. Marriage may not be a fairy tale; it is hard work and effort and about practicality. On those days that I struggle maybe I need to go and put on my new Christian Louboutin's and click my heels together three times. Nothing may change, but at least I'll feel like I can step outside of my situation and do the best to evaluate and then take it One Day at a Time.

Don't Bring Me Down....

Our living room

You got me runnin' goin' out of my mind,
You got me thinkin' that I'm wastin' my time.
Don't bring me down,no no no no no....

This is the song that is playing in my head when I think of my shrinking 401K, the inability for anyone to get credit/ loans and the mere thought that our beautiful home is not going to sell.

Kent and I put our house up for sell one (1) week before the wedding. That's right, instead of being like a typical bride the month before their wedding having their days filled with showers, worries of dress fittings and running to the mailbox to look for RSVP's I was working on getting my house ready to sell. This wasn't just cleaning the place up...oh no! This was serious work, like 6 days before the wedding I dug out a rock pathway. I cried to my Mother (who was also helping me) that this was no way for a bride to be spending the last week-end before her wedding. In the end though we finished all of our projects--a new staircase, a new retaining wall, new gutters and fascia boards and complete landscaping. Don't forget about the massive cleaning, staging and coordination of putting a house on this market.

So here I am, it's been 10 weeks since the house has been on the market and we get the same response, "Clients loved the house, the finishes etc, but due to market uncertainty they are holding off." The world is holding off now all because of the poor decision makings of our leaders. I am doing my best to focus on the fact that Kent and I are not in foreclosure. We simply would like to purchase our own home together and create a place for the both of us. Our current home is stunning, I mean really fabulous.

It is too small though and Kent has lived there for 7 years and is dying for a change. It is also not a home to have a baby in. We are months from beginning to try, but we had hoped to sell the home and truly start out our life in a new home. We will manage somehow, but it does get to be depressing. So Mr. Government, Mr. Bailout Plan, Mr. Anybody...please fix this financial crisis so that the economy can flow again and somebody will be able to live in our fabulous little gem.

Our fabulous triplex!

Meet your match Martha

Ok...so maybe I am no Martha Stewart, but my craftiness and thriftiness can put her on her toes again(or at least the Martha wanna-be's). I saw the funniest spoof on Martha recently that showed her discussing the art of making a smore. She was in her perfect kitchen and literally was whittling away at the "best birch branches" she could find in her forest and here is my favorite part of the segment---at the end of her branch construction she used fine grade sand paper to ensure there were no slivers. I don't know about any of you, but when I was a kid we used any dirty piece of wood that would hold that marshmallow on for dear life until we would catch it on fire and then madly fling it about trying to put out the flame.

Kent and I recently went camping (our first camping experience together) and it was hilarious. We borrowed a tent from a coworker and an air matress from my parents. We didn't have sleeping bags so we literally brought all of our blankets and a set of sheets (I joke my man can't sleep on anything under 800 thread count). It was a fun 2 day adventure with some of my favorite friends and I discovered a few key elements to camping--apparently quiche and chicken sausage are not typical breakfast food in the wild. I thought it was brilliant...cook it over an open flame...who doesn't love asparagus and Gruyere cheese? These peeps loved their Jimmy Dean (which I attest was mighty tasty as well) but none the less I was made fun of for our 800 thread count sheets, the fact that I brought a quiche and I was discovered MANY times in the day using a pine needle branch as a broom and sweeping out my tent. Takes me back to the days of my 4 Georgian's Elementary school and building houses out of rocks and using tumble weeds as a broom. God love those of us who literally become euphoric at a clean and tidy place---don't get me started about the love of my Dyson (we don't even have carpet...just rugs and hardwood floors).
Here is a little gem from camping...a reminder of the rugged outdoors and how desperately bathing is necessary


So back to Martha. While we were planning our wedding I would often think to myself, "What would Martha do"..or WWMD for short (she's no Jesus- but the woman does work miracles). I can't wait until I can post photos of our wedding projects, but for now I will just laugh and show my latest craft project. Kent and I are so accustomed to running around with our heads chopped off that I am literally finding myself with free time- like serious free time. So I made myself a little spooky tree branch in our entry way. Do I feel like I'm in the suburbs and not smack dab in the city; you bet! Do I care what my neighbors think; hell no! So Martha here are the best branches, fake leaves, fake fruit and already made bow I could find(purchase). The best part....I didn't even have to use sand paper....

Quality of Life

I'm up pretty early this morning, sleep just did not come natural. My mind is swirling and I have to address what it is about.

When Kent and I went on our first date we spoke a little about our families. Kent really did not want to share, but being the nosy one I am, I told him to just go for it. In a 10 minute span I learned he was an only child, his parents were divorced at the young age of 4, his father and him and not spoken for 8 years or seen each other for well over 10 and his mother was homeless and living in her car in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Woah! My gut thought holy crap, what in the hell am I going to do with this? Our first date was really so wonderful though that this information went to the wayside, as it should. I reminded myself that we do not choose our families, I would rather see the friends and acquaintances that Kent surrounded himself with (which is a group of incredible people). I had some serious concerns as the weeks went on, particularly when Kent moved his Mother into his home. It was almost when Jean (Mother) moved into Kent's house, Kent then moved into my apartment. I sort of went back in forth in that part of your brain where you wonder why someone wants to date you and was it just for him to be able to get away from his Mom?

Time obviously proved that theory wrong and he was able to move Jean into a studio apartment about 30 miles away. He paid for her rent, her food and her cigarettes (something I struggle with deeply). Jean has an unfortunately severe case of Bi-Polar; a term that I think is so freely used these days for anyone who is a little off, a little manic or a little depressed. Jean's case is extreme and difficult to control. Kent and I have spent many many hours discussing his childhood so that I could have a better understanding of his mom. At many points in her life she had decent jobs that allowed her to support she and Kent. When he was a little boy he remembers some odd behavior; like eating at Burger King a month straight for every meal. Sounds like a child's dream, but really, an entire month? It was essential that Kent tell me all of these good things about her and her past life because all I could see is a woman who is unable to take care of herself and causes a great deal of stress on the man I love....the man that I wanted to marry. This woman would then become my family, my problem, and ultimately a little of my fears.

Kent and I recently decided to hire Jean a private social worker (who we pay for) to help us through the world of government paperwork and get her better care. Jean is on disability and receives $770 a month to live on; survive on. There is no way that will ever be enough so Kent has always supplemented her income. My husband is a good man, there is just no other way of saying it. I am personally concerned about the quality of her life and worry about how she sits in her small studio watching TV, smoking cigarette after cigarette and living off of TV dinners. I keep thinking that I have the answers, that maybe Kent has missed something and that because we have bags and bags of papers on her that the answer to "fixing" her has just been missed.

Well I think I have just had my first true experience in dealing with the "world" of Jean. Yesterday we were going to see her and to pay her rent and give her some spending money. When Kent called her she told him she was 10 minutes away from calling 9-1-1 because she did not feel good. This is unfortunately something she does often and it just grates me like mad. Kent told her to not too, that we were coming up there; but she did it anyway. To make a really really long day in to a few sentences---we spent 3 hours cleaning her under 500 square foot apartment which was overflowing with trash, dirt and smells; we spent hours waiting for her to be sent home from the ER- but they actually kept her overnight this time (which is a totally different subject regarding the health care system and why they did this). When we went to see her she was lying on a bed and looked so sad and old. This is not how my new mother-in-law is suppose to be. This is not how anyone should be. I had a very stern conversation with Jean that since I am now married to her Son things were going to change; she will now have me to deal with regarding her health. She was upset and told me not to raise my voice at her. It went on for a bit and now I wonder why I even tried.

Who am I to say that living in a studio apartment at the age 0f 61 and your only joys are cigarettes and TV is a bad choice. Jean truly does suffer from an illness and I have so many thought and emotions regarding it. Mental health is high misunderstood and terribly frustrating. Kent has been dealing with this for almost his entire life; I have been dealing with this for about a year. I don't know if Jean's life will ever be any better than it currently is. It is strange that I am consumed right now with someone else's happiness, but Kent can no longer be the only person to handle his mother.
When Kent and I were married we did not say the traditional vows; we said more unconventional vows that truly meant what our hearts said. Somewhere in those vows though I made a pact to this man to stand by his side and support him with all I can. I also knew on that day that I was marrying a truly exceptional man.