Take it away......
Why oh why do I always insist on purchasing Halloween candy for the clients at work? Every year I pull out the Orange Pumpkin and filler up. But let's be clear; hand to God I know that this candy is truly for my cravings. Who doesn't love a mini piece of chocolate? Baby Twix, Snickers, 3 Musketeers etc. If you say you don't I will not believe you. I'm not going to call you a liar, but we know you are. The only person who I know would answer that they don't love mini chocolate is my trainer Chris. She is one of those crazy people who are in the minority and lust after broccoli like I do for fabulous cheese and bread. So now for the past two days I have casually passed by the orange pumpkin only to be taunted by its hidden gems. Somebody, anybody, please take that damn pumpkin away!
Pre-Halloween Love
As long as I have known Kent he has had a serious passion for Halloween. Not the type of passion that involves candy, even though he does LOVE candy. Kent has forever loved the craziness and dressup that is involved with Halloween. I would give anything to post photos of some of his previous years costumes, but he would kill me. Past costumes were: Mrs. Roper from Three's Company, Anna Nicole Smith, Luke Skywalker, some batman character and more. Last year Kent and I were invited to an impromptu Halloween party at our friend Monika's house. We literally had about 3 hours notice to pull something together. I do not share Kent's passion, but I will join in because I know how much he loves it. Kent ran down to our storage in the building and brought up 3 large boxes. Within these boxes I found several delights and items that made me question who I was dating. The man had all of these wigs, shoes, clothes and hats. It made no sense to me. Leopard underwear; there were leopard underwear in his box. Like tight underwear, almost speedo like. He went into a big speech about how it was from his fraternity days---I felt like that made it even worse. Kent is funny like this and that is why I love him. Here's a few photos from last Halloween. Kent was a butt rocker and I was his lady Shirley.
This Halloween we are going to Monika's again, which we are super excited for. Wigs are mandatory and do I have a doozie. Kent and I have not spent a lot of time on this year's costumes, but I do hope they turn out great. We are off to JoAnn Fabrics tonight to pick up some embellishments. It reminds me of the good old days of wedding planning. I am afraid to think of how many GoodWill's I will have to enter as well. Kent refuses to go to a costume shop for his items- he says there are hidden gems within those thrift store walls. Being the spoiled woman I am I only smell something funky and see a lot of crazy crap.
Stay tuned for pictures from tomorrow night....Have a safe and spooky night!
This Halloween we are going to Monika's again, which we are super excited for. Wigs are mandatory and do I have a doozie. Kent and I have not spent a lot of time on this year's costumes, but I do hope they turn out great. We are off to JoAnn Fabrics tonight to pick up some embellishments. It reminds me of the good old days of wedding planning. I am afraid to think of how many GoodWill's I will have to enter as well. Kent refuses to go to a costume shop for his items- he says there are hidden gems within those thrift store walls. Being the spoiled woman I am I only smell something funky and see a lot of crazy crap.
Stay tuned for pictures from tomorrow night....Have a safe and spooky night!
Inner Arnie
The more I think about the past few weeks and the distress I have been in, the more I realize that I really need to find a way to block things out. Why do I have to be so stinkin' sensitive? I have been this way my entire life though. I'm the peacekeeper of my family, my friendships and my co-workers. Here is the problem with being sensitive and feeling the need to fix things...I don't have complete control over my job, my life, my world; this is just a fact. This is not to say that I will give up and take on a bit of a victim status. All I really can do is to recognize that by carrying around this frustration and anxiety from situations I have no control over will do me no good. Somehow I am going to block out these situational problems that I can not fix and focus on the fact that I did my best and that is it.
These situational problems are truly starting to feel like poison to me. They seep in and bring out the worst in me. I have a feeling though that if I can learn to control my emotions and what I let effect me, I will truly be a happier person. This morning I gave myself a little pep talk to start out my week. I was that crazy lady you see talking to herself in her car. As I was driving I was thinking of when I started personal training. I started needing to find ways to block out the sheer physical pain and override it. I started thinking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and his fitness. I'm no fan of Arnold, but you have to admit that man has some come to Jesus discipline with his fitness. I would start to tell Chris(my trainer) that I needed to find my "inner Arnie" when I felt like if I did another lunge I would fall over and die. This mental change would actually help me finish my workout and at times motivate those around me. My training classmates would scream at me when our thighs were burning hotter than a forest fire, "Lis- Where the hell is Arnie!" I love my workout ladies...look at these fabulous people.
I now realize that I need to find the same discipline and mental change with my emotions. I don't know who my mental motivator should be. For now though, I will think of my Inner Arnie and have him kick some serious butt with all that crap in my life that I just can't control. Whack! Take that!
These situational problems are truly starting to feel like poison to me. They seep in and bring out the worst in me. I have a feeling though that if I can learn to control my emotions and what I let effect me, I will truly be a happier person. This morning I gave myself a little pep talk to start out my week. I was that crazy lady you see talking to herself in her car. As I was driving I was thinking of when I started personal training. I started needing to find ways to block out the sheer physical pain and override it. I started thinking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and his fitness. I'm no fan of Arnold, but you have to admit that man has some come to Jesus discipline with his fitness. I would start to tell Chris(my trainer) that I needed to find my "inner Arnie" when I felt like if I did another lunge I would fall over and die. This mental change would actually help me finish my workout and at times motivate those around me. My training classmates would scream at me when our thighs were burning hotter than a forest fire, "Lis- Where the hell is Arnie!" I love my workout ladies...look at these fabulous people.
I now realize that I need to find the same discipline and mental change with my emotions. I don't know who my mental motivator should be. For now though, I will think of my Inner Arnie and have him kick some serious butt with all that crap in my life that I just can't control. Whack! Take that!
Happy Three Months of Happiness
We received a card and gift certificate in the mail yesterday from one of our wedding guests and it said, "Happy Three Months of Happiness." I first thought to myself, it can't already be three months. Then I actually switched gears and thought, has it really only been three months, it feels more like 6 months or even a year since our wedding day.
Patients ask me all the time, "How was the wedding," "How is everything" etc. I am actually totally honest with them. There are days that Kent and I are so in sync and days when I feel like we are polar opposites. There has been a tremendous amount of stress in our lives so it has affected our relationship and this supposed honeymoon phase we are to be in. The whole world is affected though; the economy is tough, job layoffs are rapid and there is an uncertainty about where we are all headed. This is truly the first time in my life that I have followed the Dow Jones and actually tried to understand what is happening. My future, my retirement does matter now. It feels SO far away, but in all honesty, it will be here quicker than I think.
I was telling a co-worker today that I wasn't terribly religious but I do believe that whoever is upstairs is not going to give me more than I can handle. I feel like my list of worries and stresses is at the breaking point, so I do hope that things calm down and return to their somewhat normal stages. I do know that I am on a bit of heightened sensitivity so even the smallest things, the most impractical things can push me to tears or cause anxiety. These are new symptoms in my life, but everyone cries and everyone gets fearful. My life has been pretty immune to craziness, drama and instability. My life is more than just myself now. It is a life with my fabulous husband who truly is doing the best he can. When I called him sobbing on Tuesday because my gynecologist said some truly mean and hurtful things about my weight, these were waiting for me when I came home.
Kent often tells me he is "bad with his words," but when your favorite flowers are waiting for you at home, you don't need to say anything at all. I, on the other hand, am the talker type and I do best when I can talk or write about my feelings. This is one of the reasons I chose to write this blog. It is just my little escape right now, and I am actually enjoying this. I enjoy thinking things through and putting them on this blog. I also love the fact that my husband reads this and thinks that it is funny sometimes and that I am a good writer. He is probably suppose to say those things even if he doesn't think it.
The front of the card we received shows a wedding get-away car with a sign that says Just Married. The inside of the card is imprinted with, "Best wishes for a long and happy ride." This will definitely be a ride baby, but I am so glad that I have you by my side. Happy Three Months of Happiness Kent....thank you for making all my dreams a reality. In true honesty, my life is better than I could have even dreamed of.
Patients ask me all the time, "How was the wedding," "How is everything" etc. I am actually totally honest with them. There are days that Kent and I are so in sync and days when I feel like we are polar opposites. There has been a tremendous amount of stress in our lives so it has affected our relationship and this supposed honeymoon phase we are to be in. The whole world is affected though; the economy is tough, job layoffs are rapid and there is an uncertainty about where we are all headed. This is truly the first time in my life that I have followed the Dow Jones and actually tried to understand what is happening. My future, my retirement does matter now. It feels SO far away, but in all honesty, it will be here quicker than I think.
I was telling a co-worker today that I wasn't terribly religious but I do believe that whoever is upstairs is not going to give me more than I can handle. I feel like my list of worries and stresses is at the breaking point, so I do hope that things calm down and return to their somewhat normal stages. I do know that I am on a bit of heightened sensitivity so even the smallest things, the most impractical things can push me to tears or cause anxiety. These are new symptoms in my life, but everyone cries and everyone gets fearful. My life has been pretty immune to craziness, drama and instability. My life is more than just myself now. It is a life with my fabulous husband who truly is doing the best he can. When I called him sobbing on Tuesday because my gynecologist said some truly mean and hurtful things about my weight, these were waiting for me when I came home.
Kent often tells me he is "bad with his words," but when your favorite flowers are waiting for you at home, you don't need to say anything at all. I, on the other hand, am the talker type and I do best when I can talk or write about my feelings. This is one of the reasons I chose to write this blog. It is just my little escape right now, and I am actually enjoying this. I enjoy thinking things through and putting them on this blog. I also love the fact that my husband reads this and thinks that it is funny sometimes and that I am a good writer. He is probably suppose to say those things even if he doesn't think it.
The front of the card we received shows a wedding get-away car with a sign that says Just Married. The inside of the card is imprinted with, "Best wishes for a long and happy ride." This will definitely be a ride baby, but I am so glad that I have you by my side. Happy Three Months of Happiness Kent....thank you for making all my dreams a reality. In true honesty, my life is better than I could have even dreamed of.
R-A-K
Recently I was thinking about kids and the serious changes that happen to a couple when a baby arrives. I look at blogs of friends and strangers and see the sheer magnitude of work and love that comes from having children. I developed an idea for Kent and I to give it a try. I call it Rent-A-Kid or RAK for short. Is it a tad tacky and impersonal; sure it is. I could think of a whole bunch of worse situations I could put myself in, so RAK is actually a good plan for many reasons. 1) It allows us to get a small glimpse of the functions of having a child. 2) We are able to see new things through a child's eyes and our future with little people. 3) It is totally fun because at the end of the exhausting day I can send the sweet, tired, over sugared little one back to their parents. I think of us as being super young and trendy Grandparents.
The first RAK experiment was with my sweet little Freddie, the son of Kent's DEKE Brother Fred from college. He is about 3 1/2 and so much fun. He is all boy; loves robots, video games and his bulldog Penny. He runs smack dab into a wall and just picks himself up and continues on. I decided that I wanted to go to a pumpkin patch and that it would be great if Kent and I took Freddie. Once I called Fred and got the OK it was game on. I did a little research and found the perfect place, Remlinger Farms in Carnation WA. We picked a date and then fear set in. I started thinking to myself...this is an hour drive from Seattle, can we handle this? I thought about actually just taking him to my local QFC as the parking lot has been transitioned into a make believe pumpkin patch. Deciding this was taking the easy road I called in additional resources; my parents. I figured that this was also a good idea for me to test out their abilities to be Grandparents and for us to see how much coercion it was going to take for them to babysit our kids. Bob and Shirley took the bait, like practically jumped at the chance.
So the day came and we were both tired and a little hung over. We had a party at our house and the guests didn't leave until after 1am. We were to be at Freddie's house at 11am. We rolled in and found him playing video games in his jammies. We ate breakfast together and then I helped him get dressed. That was my first lesson I learned that day. Kids, or maybe just this kid, likes to put both his arms and head into the shirt all at once. This became my first note to self of the day. We wrangled the car seat into my car (which apparently is equipped well with stuff for a car seat) got Freddie all situated and we were off.
The first few minutes Freddie was just sitting there. He was all bundled up...jacket, hat and mittens attached but not on his hands. It was a little chilly, but I was thinking to myself that this kid has to be roasting. He giggled a little and then chatted to himself and then the kicking of my seat started. I found myself constantly trying to see him in my mirror to make sure he hadn't somehow put a huge hunk of crap in his mouth and was choking. He would see me and smile. We talked about the beautiful color of leaves...red, orange, yellow. At one point we thought we were lost so we put him on the lookout for a bridge we were suppose to cross. The ride there was perfect. We pulled up to the parking lot and looked at each other like...here we go.
I started pulling him out of his car seat and Freddie said, "I'm sweaty." I knew it! I stripped him down a bit and then grabbed his backpack that had so much crap in it I just started laughing. He looked at me and I asked him if he wanted to wear it and he said yes. After we put it on him we realized he was barely able to stand, let alone walk, because he was so weighted down. Realizing this was probably for us to carry we took it off him...and his energy quickly returned. We found my parents and started off for the pumpkin fields. We had parked in a different lot and I knew it was going to be a bit of a walk, like maybe 1/4 of a mile, but I figured this kid has serious energy. Well this kid did great, but half way there he was tired and looked and me and said, "carry me." Good God these kids are like dead weight. I thought I was strong, but man, they get heavy quickly. We finally made it to the field and Freddie wasn't really into it. He was more into the stick he found and hitting the pumpkins with it.
We (my parents..ha) picked and purchased a pumpkin for Freddie and a little pumpkin for his sister. He ran through the corn maize and was having a good day, but a tiring day. We had a little lunch and discovered he was more into chicken strips then grilled cheese and ketchup should be classified as a food, not a condiment. He ate enough to be qualified as a small cup of soup.It was time to leave the patch and hit the road. He said good-bye to my mom Shirley as he loved to say her name. He looked at Kent and I and said, "I want to go in Shirley's car." My Mother has this things with kids. She instantly bonded with him and started playing games with him in the first 5 minutes. I told Freddie another day and we buckled him up and took off. Three minutes later he fell asleep.
Freddie was fabulous. We were so tired though that I literally thought I was going to need to sleep for 14 hours straight! My mom called me the next day and said she had so much fun, she wanted to do it again. She thought the zoo would be a good idea. I told her "woah lady!", then I realized that my RAK idea may have released that inner Grandparent in her. I think I'll give her Freddie's telephone number and they can become buddies for awhile. Kent and I still have some fun to be had, some selfish times to be had and an open road to discover. These ovaries and kicking something out every month...one day we will make that U-turn towards kids. For now though my RAK little one's are filling the need. Thanks Freddie!
PS...Freddie I now realize it is common for little people to be afraid of those big scary adult bathrooms. You held your pee for 6 hours and Aunt Lisa was worried about your bladder and shouldn't have offered to let you pee in the parking lot. Second note to self...
Ride Sally Ride
I am conflicted about the proper way to post my last few weeks at work. It is important to me that I do, but I am going to do so in a different way. Work is called work for a reason; it's not called play. I could focus for many paragraphs about my job and work life and the drama that has unfolded this week. I'm not going to do that though. This drama has robbed me of several week-ends, sleepless nights, a bad tummy that will not go away and a little of my spirit. I am not going to focus anymore on this drama; I am instead going to focus on the human elements we all have within us, some having more than others. This is an entry about the beauty we all have within ourselves, if we are each willing to discover it.
My friend and co-worker Sally is the type of woman that you marvel at and also scratch your head at. She truly knows how to make lemonade out of lemons, and you wonder how she gets by with it and still has a positive attitude. Sally has a smile on her face that lights up a room and a heart the size of Montana. She has spent many years on this earth being a good mom, the best mom she could be and she is now in those years of reflection; those years when your focus turns inward. She's been faced with some information over the past few days that has really made her shift her focus around and see new and unexpected challenges ahead. It is what Sally has done in this shift that has made me so very proud to be her friend and her co-worker. Sally is truly an amazing woman. She is a woman who is short changed at times and deserves far more credit than she receives. The difference in Sally is that she doesn't need this credit, Sally knows who she is and understands her place and purpose. She has such a strong grasp on this that it makes me grateful to have had Sally in my life for the past 6+ years.
Sally you will soon not be in my world on a daily basis, but your memories, your joy and that smile will be in its place; forever. I will raise my keyboard and a drink to your new adventures Sally. You have brought more to my world than you will know and I am here today with my gratitude for your friendship. Here is to my Mustang Sally.....Ride Sally Ride...wherever and however life will take you.
My friend and co-worker Sally is the type of woman that you marvel at and also scratch your head at. She truly knows how to make lemonade out of lemons, and you wonder how she gets by with it and still has a positive attitude. Sally has a smile on her face that lights up a room and a heart the size of Montana. She has spent many years on this earth being a good mom, the best mom she could be and she is now in those years of reflection; those years when your focus turns inward. She's been faced with some information over the past few days that has really made her shift her focus around and see new and unexpected challenges ahead. It is what Sally has done in this shift that has made me so very proud to be her friend and her co-worker. Sally is truly an amazing woman. She is a woman who is short changed at times and deserves far more credit than she receives. The difference in Sally is that she doesn't need this credit, Sally knows who she is and understands her place and purpose. She has such a strong grasp on this that it makes me grateful to have had Sally in my life for the past 6+ years.
Sally you will soon not be in my world on a daily basis, but your memories, your joy and that smile will be in its place; forever. I will raise my keyboard and a drink to your new adventures Sally. You have brought more to my world than you will know and I am here today with my gratitude for your friendship. Here is to my Mustang Sally.....Ride Sally Ride...wherever and however life will take you.
Snap out of it!
This is what I have been telling myself lately...snap out of it! Should I slap my ass and say "move it along...get on with it?" It's ok to be in a bummer of a mood, we all get in them from time to time. I am just one of those personalities that is upbeat and jovial.
I mean look at this girl....
Anyways, I'm just in a bummer of a funk, like funk with a capital F. It happens to the best of them, and now it is my turn to take the drivers seat. My poor husband has been dealing with the funk for far too long. The man gets a big Gold Star. Kent is not perfect, but he has been supportive and helpful during my Funk. My BFF Susan has also been my rainbow in the clouds lately, even though she is raising a 11 1/2 month old nugget on her own while her husband is in Iraq. Once in awhile we have to just accept that we need our friends, we need our loved one's and we need a little nurturing for ourselves.
So thank you to my peeps for being there for me. It'll get a little brighter soon, I just know it will. As Maya Angelou says, "When it looks like the sun wasn’t gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds."
I mean look at this girl....
Anyways, I'm just in a bummer of a funk, like funk with a capital F. It happens to the best of them, and now it is my turn to take the drivers seat. My poor husband has been dealing with the funk for far too long. The man gets a big Gold Star. Kent is not perfect, but he has been supportive and helpful during my Funk. My BFF Susan has also been my rainbow in the clouds lately, even though she is raising a 11 1/2 month old nugget on her own while her husband is in Iraq. Once in awhile we have to just accept that we need our friends, we need our loved one's and we need a little nurturing for ourselves.
So thank you to my peeps for being there for me. It'll get a little brighter soon, I just know it will. As Maya Angelou says, "When it looks like the sun wasn’t gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds."
Coat of Many Colors
Gratitude, thinking about being grateful. Thinking of those people in my life that I love and care for deeply. Thinking of our sweet little kitty Stoney and my beloved dog Frank Kelley who is living the high life in Puyallup with my parents. Thinking of my broken toe/bone that is slowly healing and no longer aching. Thinking of my pot of chili that I made the other night in the crock pot and my husband saying, "This is damn good chili." I'm thinking of the good in life and trying to get my perspectives back about life and reality.
Several months ago I was looking at Ticketmaster and saw that Dolly Parton was coming to town. Kent's good friend Monika, and now mine (Yeah!) loves Dolly Parton, I mean like crazy loves her. I have enjoyed a little 9 to 5 now and then and I think she is just a kick! Monika gave me a greatest hits CD of hers for a birthday present and I was hooked. When I emailed Monika about Dolly she was no-holds-bar going for the premiere seats for the both of us. I was in the middle of planning my wedding and there was just no extra funds available, particularly in the amount of $250.00 per ticket. Monika is that type of friend who just says to hell with it, we are going sister.
So it was to great joy that I found myself in a small theatre in the 9th row watching this icon of a woman dressed to the nine's in all her glory. Monika and I were so excited that night, I mean the type of excitement where you stand in front of your closet and wonder what would possibly be good enough for Dolly. I wore as much flash and dash as I could. I figured this was THE Dolly Parton and you either go big or go home. When the show started and she came on stage I lost it, I mean like literally lost it. She spent the next two hours singing and speaking of love, her childhood and her joys. The audience was made up of the young, the old, gay and straight. It was the human element that I just could not get over. When she sang her song "Coat of Many Colors" I remember thinking how blessed I have been over the years. I felt blessed sitting in that theatre with my friend Monika and sharing this experience together. I had just returned from my honeymoon a few days prior and my heart was still overwhelmed with the experience of getting married.
As I have struggled a bit these past few weeks I have turned to my Dolly CD's (yes, I now have more than 1. I also have a kick ass black jacket and bag--the matching to Monika's set). I like to put on Coat of Many Colors and hear Dolly's childhood story of her mother making her a winter coat out of rags that were donated to the family. Dolly had gratitude in that jacket, gratitude in her family and gratitude for life. I may not have to wear a Coat of Many Colors, but I think all of us from time to time can benefit from the perspective of others. To Dolly...my gratitude for today and to Monika, friendship and kick ass 9th row seats.
Several months ago I was looking at Ticketmaster and saw that Dolly Parton was coming to town. Kent's good friend Monika, and now mine (Yeah!) loves Dolly Parton, I mean like crazy loves her. I have enjoyed a little 9 to 5 now and then and I think she is just a kick! Monika gave me a greatest hits CD of hers for a birthday present and I was hooked. When I emailed Monika about Dolly she was no-holds-bar going for the premiere seats for the both of us. I was in the middle of planning my wedding and there was just no extra funds available, particularly in the amount of $250.00 per ticket. Monika is that type of friend who just says to hell with it, we are going sister.
So it was to great joy that I found myself in a small theatre in the 9th row watching this icon of a woman dressed to the nine's in all her glory. Monika and I were so excited that night, I mean the type of excitement where you stand in front of your closet and wonder what would possibly be good enough for Dolly. I wore as much flash and dash as I could. I figured this was THE Dolly Parton and you either go big or go home. When the show started and she came on stage I lost it, I mean like literally lost it. She spent the next two hours singing and speaking of love, her childhood and her joys. The audience was made up of the young, the old, gay and straight. It was the human element that I just could not get over. When she sang her song "Coat of Many Colors" I remember thinking how blessed I have been over the years. I felt blessed sitting in that theatre with my friend Monika and sharing this experience together. I had just returned from my honeymoon a few days prior and my heart was still overwhelmed with the experience of getting married.
As I have struggled a bit these past few weeks I have turned to my Dolly CD's (yes, I now have more than 1. I also have a kick ass black jacket and bag--the matching to Monika's set). I like to put on Coat of Many Colors and hear Dolly's childhood story of her mother making her a winter coat out of rags that were donated to the family. Dolly had gratitude in that jacket, gratitude in her family and gratitude for life. I may not have to wear a Coat of Many Colors, but I think all of us from time to time can benefit from the perspective of others. To Dolly...my gratitude for today and to Monika, friendship and kick ass 9th row seats.
One Day at a Time
So much has happened in the past few days. The type of drama at work that you just can't write about. I feel like the past few days are one of those entries that you write on paper and then rip up. I generally am excellent at being able to analyze and evaluate situations and my feelings. I'm just a little numb right now and my new motto is "One day at a time." I'm going to focus on the here and now, the today's here and now and do the best I can. I'm going to find the gratitude for my life that seems to have slipped away. I'm going to look at my husband and know that he too is doing the best he can.
Somewhere there is a glass slipper that I thought was to be placed on my foot when I was married. This glass slipper is my little version of la la land that I thought happened once you are married. While I did not receive a glass slipper, I did get very close; my husband bought me a pair of Christian Louboutin silver shoes for our wedding day, something that I had begged him for. We were at our rehearsal dinner and he presented me this beautifully wrapped box and I did not have a clue what it was. I remember being upset and frustrated because I didn't have anything for him to open as we had agreed to give our gifts to one another the following day. I took the ribbon off the box and lifted the lid and started screaming, I was almost embarrassed about my reaction.
Here they were before me; the shoes I had been dreaming about walking down the aisle in. These shoes may look like a silver shoe, but what makes these so special is that every Christian Louboutin shoe has a red sole; a red sole. This is the color of love, this is the shoe I wanted so desperately. Sadly though they were too small. Kent did the best he could and did not know that these designer European shoes run really tight. When we came home that evening from our rehearsal dinner I was devastated. I actually spent hours (into the late night) trying to stretch these shoes out so that I could wear them down the aisle and show off their red soles. These ridiculously expensive shoes are a bit how I am feeling right now; left out, not fitting in any fashion of the word.
One day at a time though, I will take everything one day at a time.
I am so frustrated with how the past two months have gone. There are days that I get home and feel like turning out the lights and just drifting away. I am not a victim though, I am a fighter. I don't give up easily, I just feel as if the rules to the game have changed and I didn't get the update. So one day at a time, I will think of life one day at a time.
When it gets too much to handle I will think back to my honeymoon, when Kent and I went and exchanged my beautiful shoes for a pair that actually fits. I chose a black pair because they were more practical. Marriage may not be a fairy tale; it is hard work and effort and about practicality. On those days that I struggle maybe I need to go and put on my new Christian Louboutin's and click my heels together three times. Nothing may change, but at least I'll feel like I can step outside of my situation and do the best to evaluate and then take it One Day at a Time. 
Somewhere there is a glass slipper that I thought was to be placed on my foot when I was married. This glass slipper is my little version of la la land that I thought happened once you are married. While I did not receive a glass slipper, I did get very close; my husband bought me a pair of Christian Louboutin silver shoes for our wedding day, something that I had begged him for. We were at our rehearsal dinner and he presented me this beautifully wrapped box and I did not have a clue what it was. I remember being upset and frustrated because I didn't have anything for him to open as we had agreed to give our gifts to one another the following day. I took the ribbon off the box and lifted the lid and started screaming, I was almost embarrassed about my reaction.
Here they were before me; the shoes I had been dreaming about walking down the aisle in. These shoes may look like a silver shoe, but what makes these so special is that every Christian Louboutin shoe has a red sole; a red sole. This is the color of love, this is the shoe I wanted so desperately. Sadly though they were too small. Kent did the best he could and did not know that these designer European shoes run really tight. When we came home that evening from our rehearsal dinner I was devastated. I actually spent hours (into the late night) trying to stretch these shoes out so that I could wear them down the aisle and show off their red soles. These ridiculously expensive shoes are a bit how I am feeling right now; left out, not fitting in any fashion of the word. One day at a time though, I will take everything one day at a time.
I am so frustrated with how the past two months have gone. There are days that I get home and feel like turning out the lights and just drifting away. I am not a victim though, I am a fighter. I don't give up easily, I just feel as if the rules to the game have changed and I didn't get the update. So one day at a time, I will think of life one day at a time.
When it gets too much to handle I will think back to my honeymoon, when Kent and I went and exchanged my beautiful shoes for a pair that actually fits. I chose a black pair because they were more practical. Marriage may not be a fairy tale; it is hard work and effort and about practicality. On those days that I struggle maybe I need to go and put on my new Christian Louboutin's and click my heels together three times. Nothing may change, but at least I'll feel like I can step outside of my situation and do the best to evaluate and then take it One Day at a Time. 
Don't Bring Me Down....
Our living room
You got me runnin' goin' out of my mind,
You got me thinkin' that I'm wastin' my time.
Don't bring me down,no no no no no....
This is the song that is playing in my head when I think of my shrinking 401K, the inability for anyone to get credit/ loans and the mere thought that our beautiful home is not going to sell.
Kent and I put our house up for sell one (1) week before the wedding. That's right, instead of being like a typical bride the month before their wedding having their days filled with showers, worries of dress fittings and running to the mailbox to look for RSVP's I was working on getting my house ready to sell. This wasn't just cleaning the place up...oh no! This was serious work, like 6 days before the wedding I dug out a rock pathway. I cried to my Mother (who was also helping me) that this was no way for a bride to be spending the last week-end before her wedding. In the end though we finished all of our projects--a new staircase, a new retaining wall, new gutters and fascia boards and complete landscaping. Don't forget about the massive cleaning, staging and coordination of putting a house on this market.
So here I am, it's been 10 weeks since the house has been on the market and we get the same response, "Clients loved the house, the finishes etc, but due to market uncertainty they are holding off." The world is holding off now all because of the poor decision makings of our leaders. I am doing my best to focus on the fact that Kent and I are not in foreclosure. We simply would like to purchase our own home together and create a place for the both of us. Our current home is stunning, I mean really fabulous.
It is too small though and Kent has lived there for 7 years and is dying for a change. It is also not a home to have a baby in. We are months from beginning to try, but we had hoped to sell the home and truly start out our life in a new home. We will manage somehow, but it does get to be depressing. So Mr. Government, Mr. Bailout Plan, Mr. Anybody...please fix this financial crisis so that the economy can flow again and somebody will be able to live in our fabulous little gem.
Our fabulous triplex!
Meet your match Martha
Ok...so maybe I am no Martha Stewart, but my craftiness and thriftiness can put her on her toes again(or at least the Martha wanna-be's). I saw the funniest spoof on Martha recently that showed her discussing the art of making a smore. She was in her perfect kitchen and literally was whittling away at the "best birch branches" she could find in her forest and here is my favorite part of the segment---at the end of her branch construction she used fine grade sand paper to ensure there were no slivers. I don't know about any of you, but when I was a kid we used any dirty piece of wood that would hold that marshmallow on for dear life until we would catch it on fire and then madly fling it about trying to put out the flame.
Kent and I recently went camping (our first camping experience together) and it was hilarious. We borrowed a tent from a coworker and an air matress from my parents. We didn't have sleeping bags so we literally brought all of our blankets and a set of sheets (I joke my man can't sleep on anything under 800 thread count). It was a fun 2 day adventure with some of my favorite friends and I discovered a few key elements to camping--apparently quiche and chicken sausage are not typical breakfast food in the wild. I thought it was brilliant...cook it over an open flame...who doesn't love asparagus and Gruyere cheese? These peeps loved their Jimmy Dean (which I attest was mighty tasty as well) but none the less I was made fun of for our 800 thread count sheets, the fact that I brought a quiche and I was discovered MANY times in the day using a pine needle branch as a broom and sweeping out my tent. Takes me back to the days of my 4 Georgian's Elementary school and building houses out of rocks and using tumble weeds as a broom. God love those of us who literally become euphoric at a clean and tidy place---don't get me started about the love of my Dyson (we don't even have carpet...just rugs and hardwood floors).
Here is a little gem from camping...a reminder of the rugged outdoors and how desperately bathing is necessary
So back to Martha. While we were planning our wedding I would often think to myself, "What would Martha do"..or WWMD for short (she's no Jesus- but the woman does work miracles). I can't wait until I can post photos of our wedding projects, but for now I will just laugh and show my latest craft project. Kent and I are so accustomed to running around with our heads chopped off that I am literally finding myself with free time- like serious free time. So I made myself a little spooky tree branch in our entry way. Do I feel like I'm in the suburbs and not smack dab in the city; you bet! Do I care what my neighbors think; hell no! So Martha here are the best branches, fake leaves, fake fruit and already made bow I could find(purchase). The best part....I didn't even have to use sand paper....
Kent and I recently went camping (our first camping experience together) and it was hilarious. We borrowed a tent from a coworker and an air matress from my parents. We didn't have sleeping bags so we literally brought all of our blankets and a set of sheets (I joke my man can't sleep on anything under 800 thread count). It was a fun 2 day adventure with some of my favorite friends and I discovered a few key elements to camping--apparently quiche and chicken sausage are not typical breakfast food in the wild. I thought it was brilliant...cook it over an open flame...who doesn't love asparagus and Gruyere cheese? These peeps loved their Jimmy Dean (which I attest was mighty tasty as well) but none the less I was made fun of for our 800 thread count sheets, the fact that I brought a quiche and I was discovered MANY times in the day using a pine needle branch as a broom and sweeping out my tent. Takes me back to the days of my 4 Georgian's Elementary school and building houses out of rocks and using tumble weeds as a broom. God love those of us who literally become euphoric at a clean and tidy place---don't get me started about the love of my Dyson (we don't even have carpet...just rugs and hardwood floors).
Here is a little gem from camping...a reminder of the rugged outdoors and how desperately bathing is necessary
So back to Martha. While we were planning our wedding I would often think to myself, "What would Martha do"..or WWMD for short (she's no Jesus- but the woman does work miracles). I can't wait until I can post photos of our wedding projects, but for now I will just laugh and show my latest craft project. Kent and I are so accustomed to running around with our heads chopped off that I am literally finding myself with free time- like serious free time. So I made myself a little spooky tree branch in our entry way. Do I feel like I'm in the suburbs and not smack dab in the city; you bet! Do I care what my neighbors think; hell no! So Martha here are the best branches, fake leaves, fake fruit and already made bow I could find(purchase). The best part....I didn't even have to use sand paper....
Quality of Life
I'm up pretty early this morning, sleep just did not come natural. My mind is swirling and I have to address what it is about.
When Kent and I went on our first date we spoke a little about our families. Kent really did not want to share, but being the nosy one I am, I told him to just go for it. In a 10 minute span I learned he was an only child, his parents were divorced at the young age of 4, his father and him and not spoken for 8 years or seen each other for well over 10 and his mother was homeless and living in her car in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
Woah! My gut thought holy crap, what in the hell am I going to do with this? Our first date was really so wonderful though that this information went to the wayside, as it should. I reminded myself that we do not choose our families, I would rather see the friends and acquaintances that Kent surrounded himself with (which is a group of incredible people). I had some serious concerns as the weeks went on, particularly when Kent moved his Mother into his home. It was almost when Jean (Mother) moved into Kent's house, Kent then moved into my apartment. I sort of went back in forth in that part of your brain where you wonder why someone wants to date you and was it just for him to be able to get away from his Mom?
Time obviously proved that theory wrong and he was able to move Jean into a studio apartment about 30 miles away. He paid for her rent, her food and her cigarettes (something I struggle with deeply). Jean has an unfortunately severe case of Bi-Polar; a term that I think is so freely used these days for anyone who is a little off, a little manic or a little depressed. Jean's case is extreme and difficult to control. Kent and I have spent many many hours discussing his childhood so that I could have a better understanding of his mom. At many points in her life she had decent jobs that allowed her to support she and Kent. When he was a little boy he remembers some odd behavior; like eating at Burger King a month straight for every meal. Sounds like a child's dream, but really, an entire month? It was essential that Kent tell me all of these good things about her and her past life because all I could see is a woman who is unable to take care of herself and causes a great deal of stress on the man I love....the man that I wanted to marry. This woman would then become my family, my problem, and ultimately a little of my fears.
Kent and I recently decided to hire Jean a private social worker (who we pay for) to help us through the world of government paperwork and get her better care. Jean is on disability and receives $770 a month to live on; survive on. There is no way that will ever be enough so Kent has always supplemented her income. My husband is a good man, there is just no other way of saying it. I am personally concerned about the quality of her life and worry about how she sits in her small studio watching TV, smoking cigarette after cigarette and living off of TV dinners. I keep thinking that I have the answers, that maybe Kent has missed something and that because we have bags and bags of papers on her that the answer to "fixing" her has just been missed.
Well I think I have just had my first true experience in dealing with the "world" of Jean. Yesterday we were going to see her and to pay her rent and give her some spending money. When Kent called her she told him she was 10 minutes away from calling 9-1-1 because she did not feel good. This is unfortunately something she does often and it just grates me like mad. Kent told her to not too, that we were coming up there; but she did it anyway. To make a really really long day in to a few sentences---we spent 3 hours cleaning her under 500 square foot apartment which was overflowing with trash, dirt and smells; we spent hours waiting for her to be sent home from the ER- but they actually kept her overnight this time (which is a totally different subject regarding the health care system and why they did this). When we went to see her she was lying on a bed and looked so sad and old. This is not how my new mother-in-law is suppose to be. This is not how anyone should be. I had a very stern conversation with Jean that since I am now married to her Son things were going to change; she will now have me to deal with regarding her health. She was upset and told me not to raise my voice at her. It went on for a bit and now I wonder why I even tried.
Who am I to say that living in a studio apartment at the age 0f 61 and your only joys are cigarettes and TV is a bad choice. Jean truly does suffer from an illness and I have so many thought and emotions regarding it. Mental health is high misunderstood and terribly frustrating. Kent has been dealing with this for almost his entire life; I have been dealing with this for about a year. I don't know if Jean's life will ever be any better than it currently is. It is strange that I am consumed right now with someone else's happiness, but Kent can no longer be the only person to handle his mother.
When Kent and I were married we did not say the traditional vows; we said more unconventional vows that truly meant what our hearts said. Somewhere in those vows though I made a pact to this man to stand by his side and support him with all I can. I also knew on that day that I was marrying a truly exceptional man.
The first post....
Really, what does one post as their first attempt at blogging. I have never professed to be an author but I often pick up a journal to write down my thoughts and process them more than I generally need to. Can I chat with the best of them, absolutely, but why in this type of arena? I don't know if anyone will ever see this blog, I still don't know who I will share it with. There is a bit of a sense of community and honesty that goes in blogging and sharing your world. At times I miss living in a small town and the closeness it possesses. I am reaching a really pivotal time in my life where I feel a little out of sorts, sort of wandering into the unknown. This is no mid life crisis---this is a mere conversation with myself about the journey I have begun, and one where I am not alone.
Kent and I have been married for a little over 2 months and it has been a bit of a roller coaster. We have known each other for a little over 2 years. I joke that my first year I spent my energy getting him to love me and our second year we spent planning our wedding. Now we are official, I have a new title--Wife. I never truly thought that I would have found someone to accept all of my true self, but I did. I still wake up some days and see Kent lying there and think..."who in the hell is that?" That man is the person I love the most in this world. The person who honestly has turned my 33 years on this earth upside down.
For the most part I thought I would spend my years on this earth as the great friend, good daughter and employee. My heart always wanted the labels of wife and mother, but my brain too often blocked these notions. Now I am finding myself in truly unknown territory.
What I know to be true though is that my heart is wide and open. Kent and I recognize the fact that we are in our 30's embarking on this adventure and we both have a wild amount of stubbornness and humor. We know that we want to enjoy ourselves as much as we can before we have a family. Starting a family a little later (which is far more common) has its plus and minuses. Kent and I are smart enough to realize how difficult it is to have a family, and we are also terrified by the notion.
This is our journey and it may become one that falls perfectly in place or one that takes some major detours. Thank God I am an optimist though and I see only beautiful things. I love you baby...
Kent and I have been married for a little over 2 months and it has been a bit of a roller coaster. We have known each other for a little over 2 years. I joke that my first year I spent my energy getting him to love me and our second year we spent planning our wedding. Now we are official, I have a new title--Wife. I never truly thought that I would have found someone to accept all of my true self, but I did. I still wake up some days and see Kent lying there and think..."who in the hell is that?" That man is the person I love the most in this world. The person who honestly has turned my 33 years on this earth upside down.
For the most part I thought I would spend my years on this earth as the great friend, good daughter and employee. My heart always wanted the labels of wife and mother, but my brain too often blocked these notions. Now I am finding myself in truly unknown territory.
What I know to be true though is that my heart is wide and open. Kent and I recognize the fact that we are in our 30's embarking on this adventure and we both have a wild amount of stubbornness and humor. We know that we want to enjoy ourselves as much as we can before we have a family. Starting a family a little later (which is far more common) has its plus and minuses. Kent and I are smart enough to realize how difficult it is to have a family, and we are also terrified by the notion.
This is our journey and it may become one that falls perfectly in place or one that takes some major detours. Thank God I am an optimist though and I see only beautiful things. I love you baby...
