Daily Affirmation

Stuart Smalley apparently should be my mentor as his 12-step positive affirmations are a successful way to recorrect years of bad thinking. Sweet Jesus, I can see myself now...staring at myself lovingly in a full length mirror; telling myself how fabulous I am. These positive affirmations will be a giant leap ahead of the normal crap that fills my brain. I'm going to give it a try though, but maybe I will just have my affirmation in the car, or shower, as I don't see myself looking into a mirror and having a one-on-one with myself. I do see myself wanting to change though. I see myself having a more positive future and outlook. I see myself calmly finding ways to enjoy my life and successes and gently work on things I would like to change.

I love to plan things out and my life is something that lately seems to be in a shredder. I think what I am looking towards is to plan my day. Just plan one day at a time and do the best I can with that day. I look forward to the start of August as this was going to be my month of reconnecting with myself. You would totally think I was a nut case by some of the things I have said...reconnecting with myself--who in the hell talks that way? I swear though, I'm out of touch with everything, including me. Time for a little R&R and to get back on the right track.

I haven't had a TGIF lately as things have been too busy to even focus on. I am grateful today that I have a fabulous dad who also happens to be a pharmacist and can answer all my questions about my bladder infection and pills. Nothing like telling Bob about ALL your business.

It's gettin' hot in here...

I would love to be creative and share tonight, but honestly, it is 10:30pm and 87 degrees in my house. Seattle is in this really bizarre heatwave and normally it would have cooled down significantly, but not tonight. Like I am sitting here in a tank top and would give anything for a pool. I was feeling so hot this evening that my brain wasn't full functioning and I got roped into going to Leavenworth this week-end to float down the river. First of all, getting into a swimsuit right now is so not what I want to do. Secondly I have fears of rapid water and won't my ass be scraped on rocks? Then there is camping...like this will be my third time in the month of July. I think I had previously only been camping three times in my entire life. Where did my days of luxury...pools, room service, bathrobes etc go? Kent and I promised each other that we would do our best to have a great summer. We are totally succeeding.

Today I went to have acupuncture. I really like the lady that I see. I think she gets me. She doesn't make me feel as if I am acting irrational about already going to see the fertility specialist. I think I have rational concerns that I honestly want more information on. I'm in a fact finding mood right now. Kent and I are putting together our game plan and we are going to do our best to achieve it. I love having a team member who is on the same page. I also love having super fabulous friends who send me the sweetest cards when I am feeling a little down...you know who you are (-:

My brain is overheated and thinks a WW ice cream bar just may do the trick. I did go for a walk tonight so there is less guilt. I'm going to start working on that guilt thing. Truth be told, I'm the only one that is in charge of my feelings and emotions. It is time to just relax and take things day by day. Right now though it is seriously so hot I am going minute by minute.

Kate...Take a hike!

For the past few years I have loved to watch the reality show on TLC Jon and Kate plus 8. I usually cry because I want a family, but I smile a bunch and get a kick out of the kids. I cringe a lot during the show too though as Kate is pretty feisty and sometimes down right rude to her husband (well ex now). It is almost uncomfortable to watch. Over the past few weeks I have found myself acting "Kate" like. Very short tempered with Kent, raising my voice too often, almost condescending in a way. My emotions are over running and I don't quite know how to take everything into perspective. I hate that here is my kind husband doing his best, yet I always have to find the one minor flaw, or what I see as a flaw. I even have begun to start to refer to us as Jon and Kate...the second. This is so not good. This is not a positive way to communicate with one another and to live together in a partnership.

I have started seeing my therapist again as I need a refresher. I am finding myself in a downward spiral and it helps if I can just go and talk to her and try to process what I am thinking. I feel like I have slipped so far down that I don't know how to get back up and take steps in the right direction. I know that I am very hard on myself and we all have setbacks. I feel like I need to be aggressive for the next few weeks and really just be good to myself. Taking small steps everyday towards the nice things in life is my goal. These are minor things too...like working in my garden, reading a book, taking a walk or cooking a meal. I am on low energy right now as I am just expending too much of myself from the moment I wake up. I need to just chill over the next few weeks and take better care of myself. I basically need Kate to hike it back to the East Coast where she belongs.

Yesterday was our first anniversary. I still can't believe it had been an entire year. Kent and I celebrated by renting the same Orange top Electric Boat that he proposed to me in. When we went the first time I did not realize that we were going to be getting engaged that evening and that there was going to be a surprise party waiting for us. Kent was very nervous and definitely not himself that evening which made our time yesterday even more special.

Here is a picture of us from our surprise engagement party as we are arriving at the dock.

Kent and I had about 3 hours on the water where we had a picnic and finally enjoyed our bottle of Dom Perignon that we received as a wedding gift. While we were on the boat Kent reached under the seat and pulled out a wrapped box. We had pretty much agreed on the fact that we were not going to give each other gifts. I did get him tickets to see a comedian, but that is more of an I'm sorry as there has not been a lot of laughter in the Davis household. When I opened the box I saw this beautiful Tahitian pearl necklace. When we were at the mall the other week-end I happened to see a display of these and I commented on how much I liked them. Kent is such a good listener!!! I love the necklace so much. We then went to dinner at Palisades and had a beautiful meal. While we were at dinner Kent was staring at my necklace and he told me that it looked lonely. Then he gave me another box that had matching earrings.


Kent driving our boat


The best wind blown photo we could take


The little picnic I packed us

I love you babe! Thank you for a truly amazing first year! Here is to a million more.

Flexibility is more than touching your toes...

I have had so many adventures over the past month that I have not blogged about. I have had little time, but truthfully, my mind is wandering elsewhere. I found myself in hot and sunny Sacramento for work but also reconnecting with a high school friend and meeting his sweet family. Troy was always the funny guy and honestly I was so impressed with his business and how welcome he made Kent and I feel. We had a fun 4th of July week-end complete with multiple parties and Kent made me an amazing headboard for our bed. The type you see in magazines but you don't want to pay thousands of dollars for. We went to the Gorge and saw Cold Play. I was adventurous and camped like a sardine in the middle of the Columbia Valley. I celebrated Kent's cousins fiance's upcoming wedding with a beautiful shower and then ran to pump it up to celebrate our little Freddie's 4th Birthday. Since Kent and I are not 100% Catholic we can not be the official God Parents on the books of the church, so we have to reference ourselves as "Spiritual Parents." He is still crazy funny and it is pretty cool to be chosen by Fred and Tara. Last week-end we went to Orcas Island in the San Juans and went camping and rushed home to catch No Doubt. I'm not kidding when I say we have been packed with fun times and events, but I truly can't shake my emotions and sadness that looms overhead. I'm turning into an Eeyore. I can't believe it. All the years I've been a Pooh Bear, but I'm afraid Pooh has left the building.

When I was a little girl at 4 Georgian's Elementary School I loved playing house in the playground. We would gather rocks and use them as walls and rooms. I'd love finding a tumble weed which I would use to meticulously clean the stray small rocks and dirt out of my home, which is funny, as it was literally on a dirt play field. I took pride in keeping my bedroom clean and I loved when my Aunt's would have new babies for us to see. I have been a peace keeper all my love; almost like a motherly figure for anyone around. As I started growing up I became more ashamed of my body and upset by its sheer size. I was told it was ugly and unhealthy and I developed some serious psychological issues from these constant streams of information. As high school went by and college did too I became more and more introverted within my dreams for myself and my body. Friends started getting married and then they started having children. I did my best to comfort myself and I began a strict fitness and eating regimen that did help me lose weight and become healthier. I went to years of counseling and kept a journal of my thoughts. When I moved out and was on my own I had my little dog Frank Kelley to keep me company. He and I would walk our neighborhood and see inside the lives of complete strangers...we would see their homes, their families, their activities etc. Walking a little dog to go the bathroom several times a day does produce many chances of seeing how other people live. I did my best to tell myself I was happy, but too many times I would cry as I walked past family, after family, after family. I had no idea if these people were happy, fulfilled, angry etc. It didn't matter to me. They had what I wanted. They had this family dynamic of a husband/partner, children, a household and a family pet. This is what I wanted. No smaller thighs would ever make me feel better about myself. A flat stomach did nothing for me either. I wanted what is pretty natural; I wanted my own family.

Kent and I are almost on our year anniversary. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. I love him so much and I know that these emotions I have around having a baby are very difficult on both of us. I spent the better part of the last 2 weeks peeing twice a day on Ovulation predictor kits to only get a big fat negative each time. As the days would pass I could feel my mood and my hope slip away. I continue my acupuncture even though it is uncomfortable and it brings about so many emotions while I am lying on the table full of pins. I have been waiting for 4 days to get my blood results on my ovulation and I finally just called the office myself. The nurse was just very point blank,"you didn't ovulate. Your progesterone was 0.4%. The doctor wants to up your medicine." End of story. It wasn't the end of the story though because clearly they had not even read my chart and noticed I am already on the maximum dose. I brought this up and then asked a few other questions and I was getting no where. Then she said what I needed to hear," I need you to call the front desk to make an appointment about your infertility." I thanked her, hung up, cried for awhile and just needed to hear that over and over for awhile. I have known for years, tucked inside a very dark place in my brain and heart that this was going to be a struggle. Nothing with my body has ever been an easy transition or time. I called Kent and sobbed. He is my serious rock and I feel bad dragging him through this. I called my insurance company and was told that nothing would be covered from here on out in my quest to get pregnant. I decided I need to face the music and see where we are out and I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Basically my glimmering hope into getting pregnant at a potentially very big price tag.

My therapist and those around me want me to relax and become more flexible and fluid. Sort of just go with the flow and see what happens. Here's the problem...I'm 34 with the most common form of infertility, PCOS. 1,000's of websites are devoted to women all telling the same story and sharing the same pain. My doctor Kent and I will be seeing had 4 of his 10 FAQ that focused on PCOS. This is not a game any longer. I'm pissed off and having people tell me to just relax is not really an option right now. How do you relax when your ovaries are not pushing anything out and you are doing what is the prescribed way in the medical community to get them moving. How do you not focus on the calendar and the days we should be having sex and the things I should be doing and not be doing. How do I not be sad when I see so many pregnant women in my building everyday as there are no less than 4 OB/GYN offices in the tower? How do I handle the constant questions? If I choose not to have alcohol one evening everyone pesters me with questions about being pregnant. Even telling people I have a tricky vagina does not stop the inquiries.

I never understood what women went through when they had a difficult time getting pregnant. I use to be logical about it and would say things like,"it is out of their hands. They can just do the best they can. It is nobody's fault, why can't they focus on that?" These statements are merely for those who do not understand how frustrating this whole process is. I've been beating myself up emotionally and physically lately. Eating and drinking a ton to push down the emotions. Problem is they aren't going away. My waistline is expanding at an alarming rate and I'm almost out of my clothes. My weight is a major factor in helping my chance of getting pregnant but I can't seem to make that connection each time I open up a cupboard or the fridge. I am sabotaging my chances due to my belief that I am not strong enough to put up with this right now.

I am not a very flexible person anymore. I spend my day organizing and planning an office so that it flows well and prevents problems. I organize my household and even my marriage with planned events and situations. I am struggling with the notion of just holding on and letting go. Struggling with the idea that I should focus really far out into the future; like 4+ years and see that Kent and I will have a baby one way or another. I feel as if I need a little time to myself and I need to dig myself out of this hole. I know how strong I am, but this one thing feels even stronger. I worry about my mariage and upsetting my favorite person on the planet. I know he won't read this far down as he likes my quick posts much better. Kent is the most caring person on the planet and he is so amazing with kids. Who else would go to a friends house dressed as Hans Solo and watch Star Wars? I will do my best to focus on our long range goal. It is hard to not feel as if I am bound by my biological clock and the calendar. I feel like our life is on hold and will not resume until we move on. I look at this blogs title and I focused on the fact that it was our journey as a married couple and starting a family. When I chose the word journey I don't think I really realized what that meant.

For now I need to find myself in a happier place. A year ago I married my best friend. I still remember the excitement of the day and how we looked into each other's eyes and there was a real connection there. We still have that connection and I can only hope we have it for the rest of our lives.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

I can make a million excuses as to why I have been unable to get on my computer and recap my daily activities. Kent and I have been super busy this summer and I have honestly been overwhelmed with work. My job does not normally have deadlines but I have a major deadline coming up in 3 weeks and my anxiety is out of control. My life does not have a lot of balance right now. I am going to spend this upcoming week actually trying to find that balance I so desire. Right now though I feel so busy and pre-occupied that it feels like I will never have a grip on things. I know that is not the case though and I have to trust that there are waves of frustration in life and I need to truly work on my flexibility (and I'm not talking my ability to do the splits!)

So for the past few months I have found myself dealing with many things, adventures and emotions. Kent and I were super successful with our home and did all of our major yardwork and landscaping in late May so that we were not bogged down with home projects. Last year our entire summer was devoted to our wedding and our home and I was bound and determined that we did not repeat this. Our home is looking great and we were also finally successful with our refi. Having this new interest rate and terms has honestly lifted the most incredible weight off of our shoulders financially. We are going to be able to make a dent into our debt monthly and it has made us more determined to figure out what exactly we want. Right now I would love to get out of debt and start a game plan on moving in the late spring of next year. We are going to start doing our research and work with a mortgage broker so that we can have a true goal to work towards. We always say we are going to start saving money, but then something always comes up. Kent and I are shoppers and do-er's. We are constantly on the go and that takes some serious money. I like to blame Kent, but truthfully, I am just as bad. Just last night I bought 4 pairs of shoes (1 pair I am going to take back..too tight) and a $160.00 pair of sunglasses. Holy crap...I so don't need those glasses. I was having an ugly day though and right now I feel like my body looks awful and my clothes are tight, so at least I can have some fabulous shades. I'd need to gain a whole crap load of weight in order for those puppies to not fit.

In the middle of June Kent found himself joining me on a 1200 mile round trip to Montana. My friend Emily was having a wedding reception and I really wanted to take Kent. This was going to be the first wedding of my friends back home that I was going to actually have a date. This might sound pathetic, but I don't care, it is the truth of how I have felt for so many years. I was always the single one who had to find something to keep myself busy with when a slow song came on or towards the end of the night when people started becoming a little closer. Kent wanted to fly to MT, but the flight prices were difficult so we took our first road trip. We left Seattle at around 8am and the trip was not bad at all. We stopped off in Ritzville at Zips and had a pretty nasty meal in a dirty place. I haven't been there in years, but my family and I would always stop there when we went to Seattle. We arrived in Missoula at around 5pm. The little hotel was great and we took a small nap. Emily made a recommendation for a wine bar for us to go to and it was great. We had this delicious fondue and the waiter wanted to know if we wanted to add Bison to this. Seriously, I love Montana. I have so many fond memories. How I really wish I could relive just one week of my childhood (Lucy you would so be in it!) Since I have started to keep this blog (I need to be more proactive at it though) I told Kent I needed to have some action shots to support my words. He's not much into flashing camera lights in low lit bars, so here is the best I could get.



After the bar we met up with Emily and a slew of people. It was fun to see her older sister Amy and meet her husband. I have only met Emily's husband KK a few times, but they looked happy and both of their families were thrilled. Now that I have a good understanding of love I really appreciate seeing the coming together of a couple and how amazing it is. Kent did get his first dose of true MT living that night...we left the bars and found ourselves at a casino. It was just a little baby casino that was connected to our hotel. I was not ready for bed so we walked in and I saw that Keno machine right before me. I hated Keno when I was a kid because I never won. I could never get all of my numbers I chose, not even when I only picked 3. I slid down in front of that machine and put a $20 bill in it. I hit max bet, picked 6 numbers and pressed play. Hello...no I did not get 5 out of 6 and win $142.00. I had been drinking so of course I was super vocal and started cheering. I asked the guy next to me how much my credits had equaled and he just mutters...a lot. It wasn't until I hit that cash out button and saw the receipt that I found out what I won. So with my new winnings in hand and a free budlight (sick) I put another $20 in my same machine, picked 6 new numbers, hit max bet and play. Now I am not shitting you when I say I did the same thing...I won another $142.00. I started screaming, I did it again, I did it again. Nobody shared my enthusiasm, except for Kent and the attendant who knew she was going to get another tip out of me. My mom use to gamble a lot, like way too much when we lived in Helena, but now I can see why. You win a few times and you think lady luck is on your side. We stuck around a little longer, just long enough for Kent to lose (he he he).

The next morning we got up and went to the Missoula farmers market. It was so great. I love Missoula. I could see myself living in Missoula. It is a cool/hip college town that happens to be around some really beautiful places. Kent and I hung around for awhile and looked at the booths and the downtown. Something out of the corner of my eye made my hair stand up on my arms...Staggering Ox. I saw that baby staring at me and beckoning me to come in. I wanted to go to the Helena one that I grew up on, but I didn't think we would have time. I looked at Kent and told him that I didn't care if he wasn't hungry, I was so getting my sandwich and bread guts with ranch. Kent looked at me when I ordered and literally said, "I'm not hungry, I'll just have a bite of yours." Damn it, what was I thinking! When we finally got around to eating it (we took it to go) Kent would literally take a bite and like 3 inches of my sandwich would go missing. At one point he says to me, "this is really good." I should have slapped him across the face, but I am married now and apparently what is mine is now his. Next time though...NO sharing!


Look at him sitting here in the restaurant, not even looking excited as we are about to have the best ranch dressing on the planet!

Emily's reception was a ton of fun. It was at a country club that was not foo foo, but just pretty enough. It was a very casual event and it was basically like a big old party with friends you haven't seen in years. I almost needed my high school year book with me as KK is 2 years younger and there were definitely faces I recognized, but no clue on their names. Here are so random photos.






The next day Kent and I left for Helena as we were going to spend one night with my two crazy Aunt's, Donna and Ann. I feel bad that I didn't take any photos, next time. I drove Kent around Helena and it had a weird feeling. Like, things seemed a little run down to me. I saw my old house and the yard was gross and they stained it a weird green. This place may look a little rough in some places but the people are awesome and my memories will always be high and fabulous. Kent also had the pleasure of dining at Taco Treat. He said it was OK, but you wouldn't know by how much he ate. Again, I didn't want to look like a pig so we shared some things. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Kent knows I love him though and it is probably good that we shared, I could have put on 5 pounds in 4 days.

We only had a 4 day trip so we needed to leave early the next morning. The drive home is always yucky. I was bloated and sick from all of the crap I ate (on the way home I literally inhaled 5,000 calories out of boredom). Kent and I had a heated debate for hours on his fraternity and the idea of us starting a business together. I was being very business like (nastyish) and it upset my man. I didn't mean too, but I was being tough and not very flexible. Again..that flexibility thing that needs to be worked on. We are all good now though and my brain keeps thinking of good ideas for us to collaborate on!

MT is/was awesome and I look forward to my next trip there.

Positano

Kent and I began the last leg of our Italian vacation by boarding the night train in Venice at 11:30pm. I had secured us a "couchette" which basically was like our own private bunk beds with a small sink to wash our face in but definitely not drink (per the multiple signs). This kind of grossed me out, so I washed my hands with bottled water. Kent and I were both really tired and we started laughing when we saw the size of our very expensive train ride.



Somehow we were able to finagle our 5 pieces of luggage that we were now carrying. We started with 3 and found ourselves with 5. Kent bought this beautiful leather carry on in Venice so that he could travel in style. Not sure where he is headed next, but he will look good. While the train started moving I found myself needing to use the bathroom. Not feeling like completely getting dressed I threw on my long jacket and headed to the bathroom. I found that the women's bathroom was directly across from the "crew" of the trains sleeping quarters. Someone would always open the door assuming I needed something when I merely needed to go to the bathroom. As I entered the bathroom I felt like I was on an airplane, except my butt was super cold as I soon realized upon flushing that whatever left anyone's body was merely deposited on the train tracks! Hello! Gross! This made me think of the days of living in Helena a mere jump and a skip to the train tracks that my sister and I loved to go and hang out by.

The train was hot and slow, but we made the best of it and found ourselves being woke up at 9:30am and at the opposite end of the country. Our final train destination was Naples, and from Naples we had a private car that was going to take us down the Amalfi coast to Positano. When we stepped out of the train station and into our car I realized quickly why many people had said to not bother with Naples. It was rough looking and as we drove farther and farther from the city I became enamored by the beauty of the Italian coastline. The winding roads and tight squeezes that I had heard about were 100% accurate. I could not imagine being there in the high season and driving those roads. Super scary, but totally worth it. Positano is a town that is built into the cliffsides and one of my favorite places I have ever been to. Unfortunately the weather was chilly and Kent and I were pretty tired as we had been travelling for 2 weeks at this point. I loved the beautiful sea, our hotel, the landscape and the fact that it was a walking town. So wonderful.







Positano is a town that has shops filled with summer wear, wispy type clothing that Kent thought Stevie Nicks would love and all things lemon. The liqueur Lemoncello is created in this region so they are big on lemon flavors, scents and colors. I was in heaven in the shops, but at this point there was honestly no room for anything else to take home. We only had two days here and on our final full day we went all over the town. I think at this point we were starting to get silly and things like large lemons made us laugh....



We also must have been in one of those moods because as we were on the beach admiring the ocean we stumbled across the most bizarre scene. There was this lady just lying, maybe even sleeping, upon the rocky beaches. She had no towel, no blanket etc. She was just camped out and for some reason this just pushed us over the edge.





I felt sad to leave Positano and return to Rome for one final nights stay. We were able to walk the city again, but this time I felt like we were coming back home for just a short stay. We really had an understanding of the city and the layout and it made our final night that much more pleasant. I found myself very sad to be leaving as I had just experienced this amazing 18 days with my husband and things went so well. Kent is that guy that I never thought I would meet. I have a few super close friends and friendships that I cherish, but I never thought I would find a partner to share everything with. This trip allowed Kent to see all the sides of me, the good, the bad, the sad, the emotional, the insecure...and he still loved and supported me the entire time. As we were flying home I started to get very nervous as things were going to change when we came home. We were off birth control, we were trying to refi our house and possibly move, I knew I was going to have to go on a serious diet and the fun of the honeymoon phase was somewhat going to calm down. We were going to be embarking on our daily life as a couple, and I was sort of scared, but deep down I knew we were going to be ok.