When I was a little girl at 4 Georgian's Elementary School I loved playing house in the playground. We would gather rocks and use them as walls and rooms. I'd love finding a tumble weed which I would use to meticulously clean the stray small rocks and dirt out of my home, which is funny, as it was literally on a dirt play field. I took pride in keeping my bedroom clean and I loved when my Aunt's would have new babies for us to see. I have been a peace keeper all my love; almost like a motherly figure for anyone around. As I started growing up I became more ashamed of my body and upset by its sheer size. I was told it was ugly and unhealthy and I developed some serious psychological issues from these constant streams of information. As high school went by and college did too I became more and more introverted within my dreams for myself and my body. Friends started getting married and then they started having children. I did my best to comfort myself and I began a strict fitness and eating regimen that did help me lose weight and become healthier. I went to years of counseling and kept a journal of my thoughts. When I moved out and was on my own I had my little dog Frank Kelley to keep me company. He and I would walk our neighborhood and see inside the lives of complete strangers...we would see their homes, their families, their activities etc. Walking a little dog to go the bathroom several times a day does produce many chances of seeing how other people live. I did my best to tell myself I was happy, but too many times I would cry as I walked past family, after family, after family. I had no idea if these people were happy, fulfilled, angry etc. It didn't matter to me. They had what I wanted. They had this family dynamic of a husband/partner, children, a household and a family pet. This is what I wanted. No smaller thighs would ever make me feel better about myself. A flat stomach did nothing for me either. I wanted what is pretty natural; I wanted my own family.
Kent and I are almost on our year anniversary. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. I love him so much and I know that these emotions I have around having a baby are very difficult on both of us. I spent the better part of the last 2 weeks peeing twice a day on Ovulation predictor kits to only get a big fat negative each time. As the days would pass I could feel my mood and my hope slip away. I continue my acupuncture even though it is uncomfortable and it brings about so many emotions while I am lying on the table full of pins. I have been waiting for 4 days to get my blood results on my ovulation and I finally just called the office myself. The nurse was just very point blank,"you didn't ovulate. Your progesterone was 0.4%. The doctor wants to up your medicine." End of story. It wasn't the end of the story though because clearly they had not even read my chart and noticed I am already on the maximum dose. I brought this up and then asked a few other questions and I was getting no where. Then she said what I needed to hear," I need you to call the front desk to make an appointment about your infertility." I thanked her, hung up, cried for awhile and just needed to hear that over and over for awhile. I have known for years, tucked inside a very dark place in my brain and heart that this was going to be a struggle. Nothing with my body has ever been an easy transition or time. I called Kent and sobbed. He is my serious rock and I feel bad dragging him through this. I called my insurance company and was told that nothing would be covered from here on out in my quest to get pregnant. I decided I need to face the music and see where we are out and I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Basically my glimmering hope into getting pregnant at a potentially very big price tag.
My therapist and those around me want me to relax and become more flexible and fluid. Sort of just go with the flow and see what happens. Here's the problem...I'm 34 with the most common form of infertility, PCOS. 1,000's of websites are devoted to women all telling the same story and sharing the same pain. My doctor Kent and I will be seeing had 4 of his 10 FAQ that focused on PCOS. This is not a game any longer. I'm pissed off and having people tell me to just relax is not really an option right now. How do you relax when your ovaries are not pushing anything out and you are doing what is the prescribed way in the medical community to get them moving. How do you not focus on the calendar and the days we should be having sex and the things I should be doing and not be doing. How do I not be sad when I see so many pregnant women in my building everyday as there are no less than 4 OB/GYN offices in the tower? How do I handle the constant questions? If I choose not to have alcohol one evening everyone pesters me with questions about being pregnant. Even telling people I have a tricky vagina does not stop the inquiries.
I never understood what women went through when they had a difficult time getting pregnant. I use to be logical about it and would say things like,"it is out of their hands. They can just do the best they can. It is nobody's fault, why can't they focus on that?" These statements are merely for those who do not understand how frustrating this whole process is. I've been beating myself up emotionally and physically lately. Eating and drinking a ton to push down the emotions. Problem is they aren't going away. My waistline is expanding at an alarming rate and I'm almost out of my clothes. My weight is a major factor in helping my chance of getting pregnant but I can't seem to make that connection each time I open up a cupboard or the fridge. I am sabotaging my chances due to my belief that I am not strong enough to put up with this right now.
I am not a very flexible person anymore. I spend my day organizing and planning an office so that it flows well and prevents problems. I organize my household and even my marriage with planned events and situations. I am struggling with the notion of just holding on and letting go. Struggling with the idea that I should focus really far out into the future; like 4+ years and see that Kent and I will have a baby one way or another. I feel as if I need a little time to myself and I need to dig myself out of this hole. I know how strong I am, but this one thing feels even stronger. I worry about my mariage and upsetting my favorite person on the planet. I know he won't read this far down as he likes my quick posts much better. Kent is the most caring person on the planet and he is so amazing with kids. Who else would go to a friends house dressed as Hans Solo and watch Star Wars? I will do my best to focus on our long range goal. It is hard to not feel as if I am bound by my biological clock and the calendar. I feel like our life is on hold and will not resume until we move on. I look at this blogs title and I focused on the fact that it was our journey as a married couple and starting a family. When I chose the word journey I don't think I really realized what that meant.
For now I need to find myself in a happier place. A year ago I married my best friend. I still remember the excitement of the day and how we looked into each other's eyes and there was a real connection there. We still have that connection and I can only hope we have it for the rest of our lives.
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