On Thursday, after I took a pregnancy test, I found myself literally drained. From the top of my head to my toes it was as if someone was undoing my world, almost like a thread that you find on a jacket that keeps unravelling until there is a hole. I had this zombie like way that followed me around for several days. Thursday night Kent did his best to keep my spirits uplifted and we went to the golf course across from our home and had BBQ and listened to jazz. This didn't help and unfortunately Friday was just as bad. I distanced myself from Kent, from co-workers as much as possible and just needed to be in my own thoughts. I went home Friday night only to tell Kent that I was taking off, running some errands, maybe I would end up in another state, who knew. Of course I didn't take drastic measures like that. I went to the mall and forced myself to buy a few new pieces of clothes as I was plum out of options for work and the week-ends for that matter. I could punish myself all I wanted, the simple fact was that I had nothing to wear (at least nothing that fit)! Kent asked me later that night why I didn't want him to come. Truthfully it felt like such a private matter, I was embarrassed for many reasons which were all mine. Kent is awesome and has always been a big supporter in my life. Kent can't solve these problems I am having though; I have to prove to him that I am capable of that.
While I was at the mall I picked up a copy of She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. I read this book years ago, probably in 1994, when Oprah added it to her Oprah's Favorite Books List. I'm not annoyed that Oprah recommended it, but I'm a little tired of Oprah anymore. This book struck a serious chord in me many years ago and at this point I was reaching for anything to help bring back my joy and confidence. I was only able to read 100 pages this past week-end, but I remember why I enjoyed the book so much. It is so easy to relate to the main character in many ways, particularly with her love of food and comforting herself with it. I'm sort of at a cross roads right now with the realization that I have a very serious problem with how I abuse food. It's embarrassing to say this, but the first step in finding ways to cope with this issue is to make it known. I am playing around with ideas that will best suit me to help tackle and calm this issue I have with food. I am resolved now to the idea that I will always struggle. I use that term loosely as some days will be more of a struggle than others. There will more than likely not be a long period of time that I will be able to go without checking in with myself about my weight and food options. Alcoholics can choose to quit drinking as alcohol is not a necessity to live; food is. The right food, this is my goal, and thinking of food as nutrition and not comfort with take an incredible internal struggle.
Yesterday, Sunday, I started to feel better. Kent and I went to Greenlake for several hours and laid in the sun. I read, he people watched and it was very, very relaxing. While we were there it was pretty overwhelming how many people were pushing strollers or had these big pregnant belly's. I had a good cry for a minute and it was like a big relief. Kent and I talked about how it is a bummer how some people get pregnant quickly, how many people aren't even trying and mistakenly get pregnant etc. This is life though. What I remember the most from She's Come Undone is how it related to the analogy of a deck of cards. In the game of poker you are dealt a hand and then have the option of holding, folding and taking a draw. This is sort of the way life is. Right now Kent and I are in the position of needing to play our best cards. We need to get out fitness in, work on stress, eat really well and be very kind to one another. I'm folding right now on the crap that seems to always be flung my way. My "crap" bubble is actually in full force and I am sticking to my guns about this. I'm waiting a few more days until my cycle starts and then I will begin taking Clomid. I've heard the horror stories, but I'm just not going to give into that fear. This is a private matter and I'm doing my best to keep it at bay.
Can it really keep going up?
I'm not talking about the DOW or my stress levels. I stepped on this scale this morning only to see a weight gain of another 3 pounds. I have gained almost 7 pounds in 10 days. I'm embarrassed to write these things down. I'm embarrassed that my very loose pants (the one's in the way back of the closet that I was going to give to charity) are just about too tight. What in the hell is going on? I'm almost in shock. I'm not pregnant, that was confirmed by my BFN on the stick this morning. I'm in emotional overload and it is spilling everywhere into my life and is re-entering through my mouth.
I have no more excuses. I have a problem. This is no more a little situation. I feel mentally drained and I really have no serious dilemma's that I am facing. I'm not trying to run a household with three children and a busy husband. I'm really a one woman show with a husband who is pretty close to managing all of his own life/world (except the kitchen part, but he has definitely improved). I stared for a moment at the scale in utter shock. I felt numb, I felt powerless. I packed things for work and cried my way into the office. Then I really cried as I handed over my freshly, untouched book on the Mayo Clinics Guide to Pregnancy to someone else to read, as I don't need it right now. I cried because that is suppose to be my book to read. I bought that book as I was practicing the "secret." Well the "secret" can suck it as far as I am concerned and I will continue on my hormones to activate my cycle and then throw a handful of clomid into the mix a week later. I know there is a serious amount of anger here, but there is this weird process I am going through right now, almost like the stages of grief. My loss is not normal though; I feel like my loss is my life and my control. I have no serenity. I am not going to join a 12-step group for overeating as I just can't handle the literature and placing so much of my life in the hands of a sponsor. Have I really reached so low that I need to call a stranger the next time I want a donut?
My mentality is so low these days. One of my favorite patients came in the other day and I am still weighing heavily with her "insights" into my weight gain. Calories in vs. calories out is an equation of logic and science. My person, my body, my complexities are not able to be solved by simple mathematical logic. My problem is not a potato chip, it is so much bigger than that. This is one of those posts that I really should write but not publish for anyone's eyes other than mine. What is the point though. I'm almost 30 pounds heavier than when I met Kent. There is no hiding this fact, it is as simple as the nose on my face.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was happy for my friend and her good news about getting pregnant so easily. Then I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant women; in the grocery store, in the elevator, walking on the sidewalks, coming into my office. It was like I couldn't escape my pain. I instantly turned to food as a way to numb it down as I just was not in a space to manage it. My guilt over my potentially serious problems makes me feel sad for Kent, even though he has repeatedly told me to stop thinking this way. I'm unclear of where to go next, where to take these feelings. My walks in the evenings have been nice, but not enough. My weekly therapy is just that, weekly. I'm sick of googling for a way out of this situation. Like the next search topic into my pain, my issues will magically appear with all of the answers. I've lost touch with reality and I almost want to just go in hiding for a day or two. Leave everything and find a way to emerge again slowly. Step aside and see things at their face value and the true path my appear. Right now this journey has been side-stepped for a much rockier incline. Somehow my GPS will re-adjust and I will begin to navigate once again. For now though I will remember my little friend Alex, who is 19 now, who taught me a very valuable lesson when I went to college. She called me crying one night and I asked her what was wrong and she told me her heart hurt. She missed me and her heart hurt. I understand what she is talking about right now as my heart hurts too.
I have no more excuses. I have a problem. This is no more a little situation. I feel mentally drained and I really have no serious dilemma's that I am facing. I'm not trying to run a household with three children and a busy husband. I'm really a one woman show with a husband who is pretty close to managing all of his own life/world (except the kitchen part, but he has definitely improved). I stared for a moment at the scale in utter shock. I felt numb, I felt powerless. I packed things for work and cried my way into the office. Then I really cried as I handed over my freshly, untouched book on the Mayo Clinics Guide to Pregnancy to someone else to read, as I don't need it right now. I cried because that is suppose to be my book to read. I bought that book as I was practicing the "secret." Well the "secret" can suck it as far as I am concerned and I will continue on my hormones to activate my cycle and then throw a handful of clomid into the mix a week later. I know there is a serious amount of anger here, but there is this weird process I am going through right now, almost like the stages of grief. My loss is not normal though; I feel like my loss is my life and my control. I have no serenity. I am not going to join a 12-step group for overeating as I just can't handle the literature and placing so much of my life in the hands of a sponsor. Have I really reached so low that I need to call a stranger the next time I want a donut?
My mentality is so low these days. One of my favorite patients came in the other day and I am still weighing heavily with her "insights" into my weight gain. Calories in vs. calories out is an equation of logic and science. My person, my body, my complexities are not able to be solved by simple mathematical logic. My problem is not a potato chip, it is so much bigger than that. This is one of those posts that I really should write but not publish for anyone's eyes other than mine. What is the point though. I'm almost 30 pounds heavier than when I met Kent. There is no hiding this fact, it is as simple as the nose on my face.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was happy for my friend and her good news about getting pregnant so easily. Then I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant women; in the grocery store, in the elevator, walking on the sidewalks, coming into my office. It was like I couldn't escape my pain. I instantly turned to food as a way to numb it down as I just was not in a space to manage it. My guilt over my potentially serious problems makes me feel sad for Kent, even though he has repeatedly told me to stop thinking this way. I'm unclear of where to go next, where to take these feelings. My walks in the evenings have been nice, but not enough. My weekly therapy is just that, weekly. I'm sick of googling for a way out of this situation. Like the next search topic into my pain, my issues will magically appear with all of the answers. I've lost touch with reality and I almost want to just go in hiding for a day or two. Leave everything and find a way to emerge again slowly. Step aside and see things at their face value and the true path my appear. Right now this journey has been side-stepped for a much rockier incline. Somehow my GPS will re-adjust and I will begin to navigate once again. For now though I will remember my little friend Alex, who is 19 now, who taught me a very valuable lesson when I went to college. She called me crying one night and I asked her what was wrong and she told me her heart hurt. She missed me and her heart hurt. I understand what she is talking about right now as my heart hurts too.
Something is brewing...
This week-end I had a wonderful time with friends celebrating a recent engagement and a birthday. It was fun to catch up with lost friends and to make new ones. Sadly, my mind was filled with the constant annoyance of how tight my clothes were and how uncomfortable I was. I was embarrassed at how I looked and it bogged me down both nights. I can no longer deny the elephant in the room, that big ass white elephant which is my weight gain and dropping self esteem. I am ready to gather my troops though and put myself out there to be as honest as I can about my life, my weight and my future. Yes, Kent and I are still going to try monthly to get pregnant, but I can no longer put my health on hold. I am going to spend the next three weeks preparing myself for September 15th.
Here is what I am gearing up for.
The biggest loser is something I have blogged about before and it tends to be very inspirational to me in the beginning and then as the season continues, it almost taunts me. The new season begins Sept. 15th and I am ready to make my own challenge and commitment to myself. So far Kent and another friend are on board. I don't think there are very many people out there who read my blog, but I am telling everyone who is struggling with their weight and self esteem about my idea(s). I am a serious fan in leaning on others, particularly in the challenge of weight loss. I enjoyed WW, but it is not the program for me. I miss my supportive group of women that I use to work out with. They motivated me and helped me get my butt up in the early morning hours and get my fitness in for the day. It is time for me to make a plan of attack as it is frustrating to be so sad and tearful daily. I am going to do my best to prove that I can regain the control I once had over my fitness, my emotional eating and my personal well being. I want to rediscover that old person who has just somehow given up on herself. I have slowly been putting on weight over the past few years and I really need to stop it now. I am terrified about getting pregnant due to the weight gain that will incur. This is not the state of mind I want to enter into a pregnancy with.
I have briefly today thought about how/what I can do differently that has not worked for me in the past. I think having a weekly goal/focus will possibly help me towards my weight loss goals. Right now I have 10 different topics I would like to focus on and one will be given for each week. I am tired of giving up on myself and I am really tired of expending all of my energy onto others. I feel like a plane that is taking a nose dive and I am determined to get it headed back in the right direction again. It is time that I take control and put my oxygen mask on before I put on those around me.
I look forward to the planning of this event and for anyone who wants to join, I welcome you. I have added a weightloss ticker to help me track my progress, but I'm not going to use it until Sept. 15th. More to follow.
Here is what I am gearing up for.
The biggest loser is something I have blogged about before and it tends to be very inspirational to me in the beginning and then as the season continues, it almost taunts me. The new season begins Sept. 15th and I am ready to make my own challenge and commitment to myself. So far Kent and another friend are on board. I don't think there are very many people out there who read my blog, but I am telling everyone who is struggling with their weight and self esteem about my idea(s). I am a serious fan in leaning on others, particularly in the challenge of weight loss. I enjoyed WW, but it is not the program for me. I miss my supportive group of women that I use to work out with. They motivated me and helped me get my butt up in the early morning hours and get my fitness in for the day. It is time for me to make a plan of attack as it is frustrating to be so sad and tearful daily. I am going to do my best to prove that I can regain the control I once had over my fitness, my emotional eating and my personal well being. I want to rediscover that old person who has just somehow given up on herself. I have slowly been putting on weight over the past few years and I really need to stop it now. I am terrified about getting pregnant due to the weight gain that will incur. This is not the state of mind I want to enter into a pregnancy with.
I have briefly today thought about how/what I can do differently that has not worked for me in the past. I think having a weekly goal/focus will possibly help me towards my weight loss goals. Right now I have 10 different topics I would like to focus on and one will be given for each week. I am tired of giving up on myself and I am really tired of expending all of my energy onto others. I feel like a plane that is taking a nose dive and I am determined to get it headed back in the right direction again. It is time that I take control and put my oxygen mask on before I put on those around me.
I look forward to the planning of this event and for anyone who wants to join, I welcome you. I have added a weightloss ticker to help me track my progress, but I'm not going to use it until Sept. 15th. More to follow.
I'm no Jesse Jones
I had a lightbulb moment this morning and a big revelation regarding my desire to constantly solve other people's problems and please those around me....
First I need to back track though. I have an issue when people seem upset, or when a problem needs to be fixed or if I see someone crying on the street; I have this uncanny desire to help them. For some reason I have always been a peace keeper in my family and social cirlces. This has made me worry all too often about everyone around me which leaves very little energy for myself. I can even remember a time in college, my first year at Seattle University, and a stranger came up to my room and knocked on the door. I opened the door, only to have this woman tell me she was referred by my friend Molly and that I was a really great listener and she was feeling troubled. Holy crap, are you kidding me? This is my life, I am a problem solver. I don't know how to do anything else. My sister complains to me that sometimes she just wants to vent and I am immediately wanting to solve her problems. I've spent a year trying to fix Kent's mom and her bi-polar moods, yet that is so not possible. Here's where I am worried. I can't turn this off. I worry about everyone and everything. Over time though I am getting consumed by other's issues which leaves me thinking that maybe I am turning into Jesse Jones.
Ok. Let me see if I can actually get this to work. This is Jesse Jones. The insanely crazy and annoying King 5 anchor who has his own nightly segment called, Get Jesse. Here is what I love about him, the way he signs off from each segment. When people have been wronged, they get Jesse. When they have bought a faulty product and can't return it, they get Jesse. I am so not techy enough and this is the best I could do. Here is a link to a video of Jesse helping a man get his rebate.
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I don't want to be Jesse Jones any longer. I don't want my family to call me as often as they do to complain about one another. I can't fix it. I just received a bill for $450.00 from my therapist today and here is what I have learned, I can't fix everything. Why couldn't I have listened to Kent? His advice is free. No, I need to pay a lady to beat this into my head.
So today I have decided to put down my microphone and have that camera man find another gig. I am no longer Jesse Jones. I am just Lisa and I am through being the problem solver in my family. I can offer advice, only if it is requested, otherwise I plan on putting myself in a bubble and just living my life.
First I need to back track though. I have an issue when people seem upset, or when a problem needs to be fixed or if I see someone crying on the street; I have this uncanny desire to help them. For some reason I have always been a peace keeper in my family and social cirlces. This has made me worry all too often about everyone around me which leaves very little energy for myself. I can even remember a time in college, my first year at Seattle University, and a stranger came up to my room and knocked on the door. I opened the door, only to have this woman tell me she was referred by my friend Molly and that I was a really great listener and she was feeling troubled. Holy crap, are you kidding me? This is my life, I am a problem solver. I don't know how to do anything else. My sister complains to me that sometimes she just wants to vent and I am immediately wanting to solve her problems. I've spent a year trying to fix Kent's mom and her bi-polar moods, yet that is so not possible. Here's where I am worried. I can't turn this off. I worry about everyone and everything. Over time though I am getting consumed by other's issues which leaves me thinking that maybe I am turning into Jesse Jones.
Ok. Let me see if I can actually get this to work. This is Jesse Jones. The insanely crazy and annoying King 5 anchor who has his own nightly segment called, Get Jesse. Here is what I love about him, the way he signs off from each segment. When people have been wronged, they get Jesse. When they have bought a faulty product and can't return it, they get Jesse. I am so not techy enough and this is the best I could do. Here is a link to a video of Jesse helping a man get his rebate.
Seattle Video | News Video | TV Video | KING 5 News | KING5.com
Posted using ShareThis
I don't want to be Jesse Jones any longer. I don't want my family to call me as often as they do to complain about one another. I can't fix it. I just received a bill for $450.00 from my therapist today and here is what I have learned, I can't fix everything. Why couldn't I have listened to Kent? His advice is free. No, I need to pay a lady to beat this into my head.
So today I have decided to put down my microphone and have that camera man find another gig. I am no longer Jesse Jones. I am just Lisa and I am through being the problem solver in my family. I can offer advice, only if it is requested, otherwise I plan on putting myself in a bubble and just living my life.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
This song is playing in my head this morning as a multitude of crap is swarming around. You would think that because I had almost 10 hours of sleep last night that things would be fabulous as I woke up, that has not been the case today.
1) Kent's car was tagged again by some A-hole with nothing better to do
2) Apprarently I washed my hair twice today with conditioner. I kept thinking that it felt weird while I was curling it. Yes, I use a curling iron, I have yet to figure out how to "round brush it"
3) I have developed tendonitis in my right elbow and my right ankle is screwed up too. I went to the Dr. and was told that I needed to quit with the high heels, ice my elbow three times a day and to just take it easy. Yeah, this growing waistline of mine is so not going to accommodate this. On a budget stand point I at least agreed to Kent purchasing generic brand peas to ice my arm with. No need for organic as an ice pack.
4) Due to #3 I had to wear these bad boys to work today. And it is a wonder I'm not singing, "I'm bringing sexy back" while I am walking into work.
Oh..and these f*ing things were $145.00. Shoot me now.
5) Work is so frustrating anymore that I swear my weight loss is not going to happen if I can't chill out. Stress produces Cortisol which is a serious no-no for a gal like me.
6) My family is at each other's throat. I'm often thrown in the middle which grows really old.
So..how to snap myself out of this. I plan on making a simple dinner and literally going to Denali, turning on the lights in the spin class room and riding my big butt off. My cripled body can handle the spin bike. I also was trying to find a new way to motivate myself as it is so not happening lately. I've got a few options brewing in my brain that I am going to ponder for a bit.
1) Kent's car was tagged again by some A-hole with nothing better to do
2) Apprarently I washed my hair twice today with conditioner. I kept thinking that it felt weird while I was curling it. Yes, I use a curling iron, I have yet to figure out how to "round brush it"
3) I have developed tendonitis in my right elbow and my right ankle is screwed up too. I went to the Dr. and was told that I needed to quit with the high heels, ice my elbow three times a day and to just take it easy. Yeah, this growing waistline of mine is so not going to accommodate this. On a budget stand point I at least agreed to Kent purchasing generic brand peas to ice my arm with. No need for organic as an ice pack.
4) Due to #3 I had to wear these bad boys to work today. And it is a wonder I'm not singing, "I'm bringing sexy back" while I am walking into work.
Oh..and these f*ing things were $145.00. Shoot me now.
5) Work is so frustrating anymore that I swear my weight loss is not going to happen if I can't chill out. Stress produces Cortisol which is a serious no-no for a gal like me.
6) My family is at each other's throat. I'm often thrown in the middle which grows really old.
So..how to snap myself out of this. I plan on making a simple dinner and literally going to Denali, turning on the lights in the spin class room and riding my big butt off. My cripled body can handle the spin bike. I also was trying to find a new way to motivate myself as it is so not happening lately. I've got a few options brewing in my brain that I am going to ponder for a bit.
79th times a charm
My sarcastic tone and uncompromising wit can get the best of me at times. Yet, I will do my best to make this short, but sweet post, an ode to my fabulous husband. The doom and gloom economy has finally hit MD Contracting Services, the business my husband shares with his partner Eric. M is for Eric's last name Messenger, D is for Kent's last name Davis. Prior to their joining of their contracting skills they would honestly speak 2-4 times a day about everyday sort of things; sort of what I imagine Oprah and Gayle do. I started referring to Eric as Gayle, to the point that when I saw him in public I would look at him and ask, "How's it goin' Gayle?" When they decided to join their businesses and they were looking for a name I instantly said GO contracting services, but they didn't want to say that GO stood for Gayle and Oprah. Really, why not? Can't honestly imagine the problem here. Then they decided on MD Contracting Services and my quick thought was...We make house calls. Every business needs a tag line, something quick and catchy to be remembered by. They build and remodel homes....we make house calls. Brilliant! Back to where I was going with this. Since people are in foreclosure, laid off or totally afraid to spend money Kent and Eric (or Oprah and Gayle) are not in their usual swamped and digging themselves out of work state of mind. Literally, they are slow, like they can possibly find themselves able to take a nap in the afternoon. Hmmm...that's nice.
Let me get to the point. Some husband's might go sit in a bar, watch sports or look at porn? Maybe? My husband called me this afternoon and I heard this weird noise in the background. I was like, what is that? He literally said to me, "I'm on my second batch of blueberries." I didn't know he was at home so I was confused. I was like, are you at home? He was like, yeah, for a bit. Then my smart ass self told him he could go ahead and make the bed and do the dishes. His reply, "I already have?" Why do I have to open my mouth? As I came home I realized he actually folded all his clothes and put them into his closet and nothing is lying on the floor. He actually made the bed and..da da da...placed strategically all 7 pillows. Kent has disagreed on making the bed since we have been together. He questions the reasoning behind it, but all I can say is...God I love you! It has only taken 79 times of my wishing and hoping and praying for you to see the joy of having a bedroom with no clothes anywhere on the floor. AND a completely made bed with 7 pillows and all.
PS- He seriously came home when I was just about to finish this and instantly started on his freezing of the 10 pounds of berries he picked. LOVE IT!
Let me get to the point. Some husband's might go sit in a bar, watch sports or look at porn? Maybe? My husband called me this afternoon and I heard this weird noise in the background. I was like, what is that? He literally said to me, "I'm on my second batch of blueberries." I didn't know he was at home so I was confused. I was like, are you at home? He was like, yeah, for a bit. Then my smart ass self told him he could go ahead and make the bed and do the dishes. His reply, "I already have?" Why do I have to open my mouth? As I came home I realized he actually folded all his clothes and put them into his closet and nothing is lying on the floor. He actually made the bed and..da da da...placed strategically all 7 pillows. Kent has disagreed on making the bed since we have been together. He questions the reasoning behind it, but all I can say is...God I love you! It has only taken 79 times of my wishing and hoping and praying for you to see the joy of having a bedroom with no clothes anywhere on the floor. AND a completely made bed with 7 pillows and all.
PS- He seriously came home when I was just about to finish this and instantly started on his freezing of the 10 pounds of berries he picked. LOVE IT!
Butter, Ferries and Blueberries
This was a very packed week-end of fun for Kent and I. On Friday I was determined to still hold on to my week of good eating so I quickly made us a lower carb meal of chicken strips coated in almond flour and asparagus. It was actually not bad and better yet, I made it so it didn't kill my diet or my wallet. We hurried to catch the film Julie and Julia, which Kent was awesome to agree to my lady business movie. We do try to switch off between male and female films, yet lately, there has been nothing but all male in regards to movies. The film was exactly as I had expected, as I actually read the book. I loved Meryl Streep, I mean seriously, she was so great. I was all teary-eyed and it was so not that type of film. I loved how the lost blogger found herself engrossed in a project that she was determined to finish, regardless of how much it took out of her. I think many people can relate to all of the big ideas we each have and then how far we actually go to execute them, let alone complete them. I could feel her panic, her joy, her defeat and her love as she worked her way through the Art of French Cooking.
As I was watching the movie I was literally dying for French food. I wanted to drown myself in this amazing restaurant Kent and I went to in the Napa Valley called Bouchon. It is a sister restaurant to French Laundry, which is supposedly the greatest restaurant in the United States. Kent and I did not eat at French Laundry as you honestly can barely get a reservation, the prix fixe menu is very set in place with absolutely no changes or alterations and it starts at $250.00 per person without wine or service. Bouchon was amazingly charming and seriously DELICIOUS!!!!!!! It was worth the additional inch to our waistline. There is only one other Bouchon in the US, and it is in Las Vegas, which I am hoping Kent and I can go have a delicious brunch at while we are there in October for U2!!
Here we are at the start of our fabulous meal.
The next morning we ran some quick errands as we were heading over to see my high friend Sara's home she purchased in Indianola. I have only recently reconnected with Sara through Facebook and last summer she purchased a home across the sound. I have lived in Seattle for over 15 years and I have never heard of this little town. It is close to Kingston and Poulsbo, but just a baby little place. Whenever I reach the other side of the sound I always comment how great it is; so beautiful and peaceful. Then something smacks be upside the head and reminds me of the worst thing imaginable; the commute on the ferry. I know that eventually you would get use to this waiting game and the annoyance of peak ferry times and the chance that you can honestly get stuck for a 1-3 hour wait. I know myself; I could not get use to this. Anyways; Sara's place was a full house, not a small cabin type place that I had imagined. It has this beautiful view with a wrap around deck. So great, so peaceful and calm. Kent had never met Sara before, but we spent several hours together just chatting and eating literally a plate full of meat. I told Sara to go low on the carbs, and she wasn't messing around. She literally grilled us a steak, pork tenderloin and some sausages. Love it! My arteries may not, but if I can get a little smaller, I will take it. Hopefully Sara will be able to come over to our home soon, the only problem is that she is highly allergic to cats. So, we shall see.
On Sunday we met my mom at Macy's and shopped for a little bit and had lunch. Then we headed to see Mary Pat and her family who live about 25 miles outside of Seattle in Snoqualmie Falls. I love going to Mary's house because her kids are honestly so funny. Kayton is 6, Brenton will be 3 in Sept and the little one, Jayce, will turn 1 in November. For some reason these little one's seriously like us. Kayton likes me, Brenton likes Kent. We are a good distraction for a little while, but I know we often get the kids totally worked up right as we are leaving. Maybe we are more of a nuisance? Hopefully not as it is always a good time. While we were visiting we decided to go Blueberry picking in North Bend, which is about 10 miles from Mary's house. Her husband Jon stayed home with the baby and the rest of us crammed into Mary's car. Brenton is obsessed with Super Man and wouldn't take his costume off, so Super Man he was. We arrived to pick berries and it was so much fun. Kent grabs this bucket and starts picking. I think my husband went into a trance because I kept looking at him and he was going nuts; combing through the bushes for only the best one's. Brenton and Kayton each had their own bucket and what I loved the most about Brenton was that he would yell out, "I found a blue one," and then he would eat it. I think they should have weighed him before and after picking because he literally ate a few bucks worth! It was awesome. Now I personnally do not love blueberries; I tolerate them. Apparently I am going to REALLY be tolerating them as Kent picked over 10 POUNDS of blueberries! Hello! I don't really want to buy anything in this quantity, let alone fresh fruit!
Clearly Kent was a ROCKSTAR at picking berries; they even put it on the box for him
Now I am sitting here with 10 pounds of fresh fruit. The Martha in me googled on food storage and I will be doing this about 70,000 times as this is the largest pan I can fit in my freezer. Apparently you can't just dump these babies into a bag and freeze them; you need to freeze them on a pan and then dump them in a bag to freeze.
I also found myself with some spare time today and I whipped out these low-carb blueberry muffins. Yeah..they taste about as great as they sound. Someday my taste buds will get use to it.
So here is to butter, ferries and blueberries; my week-end of fun.
As I was watching the movie I was literally dying for French food. I wanted to drown myself in this amazing restaurant Kent and I went to in the Napa Valley called Bouchon. It is a sister restaurant to French Laundry, which is supposedly the greatest restaurant in the United States. Kent and I did not eat at French Laundry as you honestly can barely get a reservation, the prix fixe menu is very set in place with absolutely no changes or alterations and it starts at $250.00 per person without wine or service. Bouchon was amazingly charming and seriously DELICIOUS!!!!!!! It was worth the additional inch to our waistline. There is only one other Bouchon in the US, and it is in Las Vegas, which I am hoping Kent and I can go have a delicious brunch at while we are there in October for U2!!
Here we are at the start of our fabulous meal.
The next morning we ran some quick errands as we were heading over to see my high friend Sara's home she purchased in Indianola. I have only recently reconnected with Sara through Facebook and last summer she purchased a home across the sound. I have lived in Seattle for over 15 years and I have never heard of this little town. It is close to Kingston and Poulsbo, but just a baby little place. Whenever I reach the other side of the sound I always comment how great it is; so beautiful and peaceful. Then something smacks be upside the head and reminds me of the worst thing imaginable; the commute on the ferry. I know that eventually you would get use to this waiting game and the annoyance of peak ferry times and the chance that you can honestly get stuck for a 1-3 hour wait. I know myself; I could not get use to this. Anyways; Sara's place was a full house, not a small cabin type place that I had imagined. It has this beautiful view with a wrap around deck. So great, so peaceful and calm. Kent had never met Sara before, but we spent several hours together just chatting and eating literally a plate full of meat. I told Sara to go low on the carbs, and she wasn't messing around. She literally grilled us a steak, pork tenderloin and some sausages. Love it! My arteries may not, but if I can get a little smaller, I will take it. Hopefully Sara will be able to come over to our home soon, the only problem is that she is highly allergic to cats. So, we shall see.
On Sunday we met my mom at Macy's and shopped for a little bit and had lunch. Then we headed to see Mary Pat and her family who live about 25 miles outside of Seattle in Snoqualmie Falls. I love going to Mary's house because her kids are honestly so funny. Kayton is 6, Brenton will be 3 in Sept and the little one, Jayce, will turn 1 in November. For some reason these little one's seriously like us. Kayton likes me, Brenton likes Kent. We are a good distraction for a little while, but I know we often get the kids totally worked up right as we are leaving. Maybe we are more of a nuisance? Hopefully not as it is always a good time. While we were visiting we decided to go Blueberry picking in North Bend, which is about 10 miles from Mary's house. Her husband Jon stayed home with the baby and the rest of us crammed into Mary's car. Brenton is obsessed with Super Man and wouldn't take his costume off, so Super Man he was. We arrived to pick berries and it was so much fun. Kent grabs this bucket and starts picking. I think my husband went into a trance because I kept looking at him and he was going nuts; combing through the bushes for only the best one's. Brenton and Kayton each had their own bucket and what I loved the most about Brenton was that he would yell out, "I found a blue one," and then he would eat it. I think they should have weighed him before and after picking because he literally ate a few bucks worth! It was awesome. Now I personnally do not love blueberries; I tolerate them. Apparently I am going to REALLY be tolerating them as Kent picked over 10 POUNDS of blueberries! Hello! I don't really want to buy anything in this quantity, let alone fresh fruit!
Clearly Kent was a ROCKSTAR at picking berries; they even put it on the box for him
Now I am sitting here with 10 pounds of fresh fruit. The Martha in me googled on food storage and I will be doing this about 70,000 times as this is the largest pan I can fit in my freezer. Apparently you can't just dump these babies into a bag and freeze them; you need to freeze them on a pan and then dump them in a bag to freeze.
I also found myself with some spare time today and I whipped out these low-carb blueberry muffins. Yeah..they taste about as great as they sound. Someday my taste buds will get use to it.
So here is to butter, ferries and blueberries; my week-end of fun.
Feelings, nothing more than feelings
I am consumed by my "feelings" lately. They keep me up at night, the bog my brain while I am trying to read or work. Even while I was cooking (or attempting to cook) last night my mind was fixated on my feelings. It is so frustrating how easily rattled I am at work lately. These past few weeks have been very trying but I think I have held myself together well and my composure has been quite cool. Towards the end of the day I had a semi-altercation with a contractor for our practice in front of several of my staff and I am still frustrated about it. I lost my cool and sort of took myself down to her level. I felt threatened though and it deemed necessary that I protect my staff and myself as she was being pretty vocal about our inability to perform or follow orders. I am a totally sensitive bunny when it comes to not doing things 100% right. I have done a fabulous job lately at realizing there is only so much I can accomplish in a day and that I can't really beat myself up about every little thing.
Yesterday though I was feeling good and it seemed like things were starting to fall in place well. I feel annoyed at myself that I am even caring this much about something so trivial in the big picture of things. I don't like someone coming into my office for a couple hours a week and telling me that I am not doing my job. Don't dictate to me what is important if you don't have a full breadth of this practice. I could feel this persons negative energy when she entered the practice and I should have recognized this and tried to calm the situation down. Throwing lighter fluid onto the fire does not help anyone or anything.
Now I have had some time to sit and analyze the situation. I am doing some research into the supposed problems that created the situation. There was nothing that was performed incorrectly. This person had everything in their hands and it was correct. What I failed to do was to take a big breath and look at the complaints in a more thorough fashion. I was not given the opportunity to do that yesterday as our discussion quickly became heated before I could look at the initial complaint. I am sitting here realizing that I did do my job right; that my staff performed at my request and at the request of this contractor. Where I failed was to be able to calmly assess the situation and show her the information that she assumed she was missing.
My job is to run a medical practice. I am the Office Manager. I am not big on titles and I often just tell people I work for a Dermatology practice. Nobody really likes the manager of an office. They are the bad guy, the one who has to police everyone. I don't work that way though; I don't carry an imaginary bat that is ready to strike when someone makes an error. I have expectations, but they are reasonable and everyone here at my office maintains these expectations daily. My feelings/emotions/control issues have just got to calm down. I am seriously learning my deep breathing techniques, along with screaming, "Don't Stop, Believing" by Journey in the car as I drive to work. "Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues." I don't really want to sing the blues anymore. My TGIF for this week is to find gratitude that I am a kick ass employee, wife, friend, daughter and human being.
Yesterday though I was feeling good and it seemed like things were starting to fall in place well. I feel annoyed at myself that I am even caring this much about something so trivial in the big picture of things. I don't like someone coming into my office for a couple hours a week and telling me that I am not doing my job. Don't dictate to me what is important if you don't have a full breadth of this practice. I could feel this persons negative energy when she entered the practice and I should have recognized this and tried to calm the situation down. Throwing lighter fluid onto the fire does not help anyone or anything.
Now I have had some time to sit and analyze the situation. I am doing some research into the supposed problems that created the situation. There was nothing that was performed incorrectly. This person had everything in their hands and it was correct. What I failed to do was to take a big breath and look at the complaints in a more thorough fashion. I was not given the opportunity to do that yesterday as our discussion quickly became heated before I could look at the initial complaint. I am sitting here realizing that I did do my job right; that my staff performed at my request and at the request of this contractor. Where I failed was to be able to calmly assess the situation and show her the information that she assumed she was missing.
My job is to run a medical practice. I am the Office Manager. I am not big on titles and I often just tell people I work for a Dermatology practice. Nobody really likes the manager of an office. They are the bad guy, the one who has to police everyone. I don't work that way though; I don't carry an imaginary bat that is ready to strike when someone makes an error. I have expectations, but they are reasonable and everyone here at my office maintains these expectations daily. My feelings/emotions/control issues have just got to calm down. I am seriously learning my deep breathing techniques, along with screaming, "Don't Stop, Believing" by Journey in the car as I drive to work. "Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues." I don't really want to sing the blues anymore. My TGIF for this week is to find gratitude that I am a kick ass employee, wife, friend, daughter and human being.
Holy crap...this is for real
Yesterday Kent arrived at my office at 12:30pm with low-carb salads, diet cokes and a cleaner for the floor in one of my exam rooms. He hasn't turned into my helper, we were having a quick lunch and practice repair job before we went to the RE. RE...what's that you say? I had to look it up too as I am not terribly into all of the lingo around pregnancy. RE would be the Reproductive Endocrinologist. Basically the dude who shook my hand and said he would help me get pregnant. Who knew you could get pregnant with a hand shake...crap I would be an Octo-mom by now.
Anyways. Kent and I arrived in their office by promptly taking the elevator down two floors in the building I work in (can't take the stairs as they are locked for security). We entered the beautiful glass doors and serene room and it was empty. Just Kent, myself, the receptionist and a candy bowl that had Kent's name all over it. We had a 1:15pm appointment so the majority of their staff was probably on lunch. Being a manager of a medical practice I understand the functioning of the whole doctor office staff craziness quite easily. Kent and I filled out our appropriate paperwork and then we went and sat down. We both were a little giddy, and almost giggly. Kent actually started laughing and told me that he didn't know if we were old enough to have kids yet. My 38 1/2 year old husband who is going to his 20 year high school reunion next month is still wondering if we were old enough. I laughed and told him I thought the same thing. I was more thinking...holy crap, this is for real now.
Kent and I were lead into their back office and it was almost like a gauntlet of rooms and back office staff just sort of waiting to help you, or at least check out your clothes or ass. My mind instantly thought...hhhmmm, I know how medical people are; do they take bets on who has the screwed up junk..the man or the woman? I was lead into a room and had my blood pressure and weight checked. Yeah, let's just say my weight is even HIGHER than it was 3 days ago. I'll blame it on the soy sauce I used for dinner the night before. Kent and I then waited in a consult room for what felt like an eternity as I was starting to get nervous. There was an informational VAGINA (I feel like that needs to be in all caps as that is what it felt like) diagram so that I could see all the crap that could be potentially wrong. At least there was an Elle Decor magazine on the desk for Kent and I to drool over and make our thumbs up or thumbs down to for design.
Dr. Hickok came into the room and I became super nervous. We all shook hands and he looked at Kent and I and said, "So you two would like to have a baby." I seriously looked at Kent like..do we? Holy crap, it that why we are here? This isn't to sign up for a 401K? I haven't really had someone sit down with both of us in a medical setting and ask us that question before. It became TOTALLY real and super scary. We both laughed and said yes. I then went off in a nervous rant about how I am 34, I have PCOS and I never thought I would get married or have kids so now I am worried and how are we going to get pregnant. Over the course of a few minutes Dr. Hickok did an excellent job explaining what PCOS is and how he can work with it etc. Then he said the most beautiful words I could have asked. Dr. Hickok started naming off the side-effects of PCOS and he started describing the hormonal imbalance I have and why it is so difficult to lose weight. Hallelujah, Hallelujah. It was like an angel had descended from the sky. I felt SO much better. I wanted to literally jump up and hug him for saying this, particularly in front of Kent.
Once we discussed my issues we started talking about a game plan. I loved how involved Kent was in the discussion. I was impressed with his questions and the fact that he was not embarrassed or afraid to ask anything. I loved the fact that he was telling Dr. Hickok about my "business" which is our key word for period. There's nothing like your husband talking about your period and its flow. Kent was awesome and then something happened...Dr. Hickok stopped talking about my body and turned to Kent. Dr. Hickok literally switched gears and looked at Kent and whipped about the Sperm Analysis handout and told Kent that he would need to "assess" his sperm. Kent, hand to God, put both of his hands up (almost like what you do when a cop would pull you over and says Hands Up!) and was like, "Woah, Woah, you mean in like 6 months." The doctor kept his eyes focused on Kent and said in a deadpan voice, "there is no point in putting your wife through all of these expensive and uncomfortable tests if you are shooting blanks." Hallelujah, Hallelujah; is it possible to have two Hallelujah moments it the course of 30 minutes? Sweet Jesus, I couldn't hold it in. I totally started laughing. I knew this is what Kent had feared and for weeks I told him not to worry about it. I really did not think they would test him so early, especially when we knew that I was not ovulating.
The rest of our visit was just finishing our game plan and then idle chit chat. Kent and I left feeling actually really good. I had been very nervous about what he was going to say. He assured me that I was in the right place and that there was no point in staying at my OB/GYN's office for another 6 months because we already know that I have something that is not working; that would be my ovaries! I also know that patients need to be their own advocates. I feel more confident than I have in quite awhile and I look forward to this next journey.
Anyways. Kent and I arrived in their office by promptly taking the elevator down two floors in the building I work in (can't take the stairs as they are locked for security). We entered the beautiful glass doors and serene room and it was empty. Just Kent, myself, the receptionist and a candy bowl that had Kent's name all over it. We had a 1:15pm appointment so the majority of their staff was probably on lunch. Being a manager of a medical practice I understand the functioning of the whole doctor office staff craziness quite easily. Kent and I filled out our appropriate paperwork and then we went and sat down. We both were a little giddy, and almost giggly. Kent actually started laughing and told me that he didn't know if we were old enough to have kids yet. My 38 1/2 year old husband who is going to his 20 year high school reunion next month is still wondering if we were old enough. I laughed and told him I thought the same thing. I was more thinking...holy crap, this is for real now.
Kent and I were lead into their back office and it was almost like a gauntlet of rooms and back office staff just sort of waiting to help you, or at least check out your clothes or ass. My mind instantly thought...hhhmmm, I know how medical people are; do they take bets on who has the screwed up junk..the man or the woman? I was lead into a room and had my blood pressure and weight checked. Yeah, let's just say my weight is even HIGHER than it was 3 days ago. I'll blame it on the soy sauce I used for dinner the night before. Kent and I then waited in a consult room for what felt like an eternity as I was starting to get nervous. There was an informational VAGINA (I feel like that needs to be in all caps as that is what it felt like) diagram so that I could see all the crap that could be potentially wrong. At least there was an Elle Decor magazine on the desk for Kent and I to drool over and make our thumbs up or thumbs down to for design.
Dr. Hickok came into the room and I became super nervous. We all shook hands and he looked at Kent and I and said, "So you two would like to have a baby." I seriously looked at Kent like..do we? Holy crap, it that why we are here? This isn't to sign up for a 401K? I haven't really had someone sit down with both of us in a medical setting and ask us that question before. It became TOTALLY real and super scary. We both laughed and said yes. I then went off in a nervous rant about how I am 34, I have PCOS and I never thought I would get married or have kids so now I am worried and how are we going to get pregnant. Over the course of a few minutes Dr. Hickok did an excellent job explaining what PCOS is and how he can work with it etc. Then he said the most beautiful words I could have asked. Dr. Hickok started naming off the side-effects of PCOS and he started describing the hormonal imbalance I have and why it is so difficult to lose weight. Hallelujah, Hallelujah. It was like an angel had descended from the sky. I felt SO much better. I wanted to literally jump up and hug him for saying this, particularly in front of Kent.
Once we discussed my issues we started talking about a game plan. I loved how involved Kent was in the discussion. I was impressed with his questions and the fact that he was not embarrassed or afraid to ask anything. I loved the fact that he was telling Dr. Hickok about my "business" which is our key word for period. There's nothing like your husband talking about your period and its flow. Kent was awesome and then something happened...Dr. Hickok stopped talking about my body and turned to Kent. Dr. Hickok literally switched gears and looked at Kent and whipped about the Sperm Analysis handout and told Kent that he would need to "assess" his sperm. Kent, hand to God, put both of his hands up (almost like what you do when a cop would pull you over and says Hands Up!) and was like, "Woah, Woah, you mean in like 6 months." The doctor kept his eyes focused on Kent and said in a deadpan voice, "there is no point in putting your wife through all of these expensive and uncomfortable tests if you are shooting blanks." Hallelujah, Hallelujah; is it possible to have two Hallelujah moments it the course of 30 minutes? Sweet Jesus, I couldn't hold it in. I totally started laughing. I knew this is what Kent had feared and for weeks I told him not to worry about it. I really did not think they would test him so early, especially when we knew that I was not ovulating.
The rest of our visit was just finishing our game plan and then idle chit chat. Kent and I left feeling actually really good. I had been very nervous about what he was going to say. He assured me that I was in the right place and that there was no point in staying at my OB/GYN's office for another 6 months because we already know that I have something that is not working; that would be my ovaries! I also know that patients need to be their own advocates. I feel more confident than I have in quite awhile and I look forward to this next journey.
One foot in front of the other
Today I woke up exhausted. I hit the snooze alarm multiple times even though I really knew I needed to get to work on time. I had a start to a busy week and a new employee who would be in the office at 8:30am. I walked into the bathroom and I looked in the mirror and swear I found three new wrinkles around my eyes. It is not time for another botox injection, but maybe it is wearing off even sooner due to the amount of squinting and stress I have had on my body and face. I turn around, start the shower and then stare at that dreaded scale that perfectly matches my bathrooms decor. I make sure the radio, shower and fan are on so that Kent does not hear me move it and turn it on. It makes the slightest noise when it powers on, but hand to God, I swear it sends a giant signal to my sleeping husband that is wife is about ready to throw herself into a possible tail spin. Kent about killed himself this week-end with a wedding he was in, so he rested peacefully while I felt panicked. I stepped on the scale and it has stayed about the same over the past few weeks. I no longer wince when I see the number. I am sadly becoming accustomed to those three very large digits and the body that carries them.
While Kent and I were in Italy we both put on weight in a very quick fashion. We felt bloated, awkward and uncomfortable. We came home though and regained some composure. As I looked at that scale this morning I felt a little sad because it is actually 3 pounds heavier than when I returned from Italy. I have managed to regain this weight and more in the course of 2 months. I didn't eat myself across a country though and take in the sights and smells of a foreign land. I basically put one foot in front of the other and made my way to the cupboard, grocery store, restaurants and bars in Seattle. I'm still pissed at my lack of response as the scales number steadily increased and the amount of pants that I own and fit decreased. I purchased two pairs of cargo pants in the plus-size section and I have lived in these. The worst decision I have made in quite awhile.
After I found myself at work I just had to give myself a bit of a pep talk to recognize the fact that I know I am capable of so much more than I realize. I know that if I take very small steps into a more positive way of life I will reap a million benefits. Yesterday I actually made us a grocery list and went to the store and adhered to a healthy cart of produce, dairy and meat that I intend on eating this week. For the past 2 months I have literally went shopping, bought a ton of food to only not use it and have it end up in the trash. No more! Kent and I are in sync to work on our debt and our waistlines and I am welcoming this change whole heartedly. I've been scouring the typical food blogs I review and I'm having a mad craving for sukiyaki, but my friend Chris's mom is not in town and I'm not sure that I am really up to the challenge. I am up for a little more positive momentum in my life as this I do have a choice over. My intentions are to be my best person and to find that little lady in me who has come very far over the past 6 years. Here is a photo I found of myself from my high school reunion in 2003. I had lost about 20 pounds prior to this photo, which would have been the heaviest I was. I did not like having my photo taken, but at times, it is important as it does help to see where we have been in life.
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This is a more recent photo of me from June 2009. My sweet Mary Pat does not gain or lose, she is always the same.
Someday I will find my resting place with my weight where my feet will be side by side in comfort.
While Kent and I were in Italy we both put on weight in a very quick fashion. We felt bloated, awkward and uncomfortable. We came home though and regained some composure. As I looked at that scale this morning I felt a little sad because it is actually 3 pounds heavier than when I returned from Italy. I have managed to regain this weight and more in the course of 2 months. I didn't eat myself across a country though and take in the sights and smells of a foreign land. I basically put one foot in front of the other and made my way to the cupboard, grocery store, restaurants and bars in Seattle. I'm still pissed at my lack of response as the scales number steadily increased and the amount of pants that I own and fit decreased. I purchased two pairs of cargo pants in the plus-size section and I have lived in these. The worst decision I have made in quite awhile.
After I found myself at work I just had to give myself a bit of a pep talk to recognize the fact that I know I am capable of so much more than I realize. I know that if I take very small steps into a more positive way of life I will reap a million benefits. Yesterday I actually made us a grocery list and went to the store and adhered to a healthy cart of produce, dairy and meat that I intend on eating this week. For the past 2 months I have literally went shopping, bought a ton of food to only not use it and have it end up in the trash. No more! Kent and I are in sync to work on our debt and our waistlines and I am welcoming this change whole heartedly. I've been scouring the typical food blogs I review and I'm having a mad craving for sukiyaki, but my friend Chris's mom is not in town and I'm not sure that I am really up to the challenge. I am up for a little more positive momentum in my life as this I do have a choice over. My intentions are to be my best person and to find that little lady in me who has come very far over the past 6 years. Here is a photo I found of myself from my high school reunion in 2003. I had lost about 20 pounds prior to this photo, which would have been the heaviest I was. I did not like having my photo taken, but at times, it is important as it does help to see where we have been in life.
.jpg)
This is a more recent photo of me from June 2009. My sweet Mary Pat does not gain or lose, she is always the same.
Someday I will find my resting place with my weight where my feet will be side by side in comfort.
Reality made for TV
I've spent a lot of time lately inside my brain and pulling things out and examining them. I'm spending more time thinking about things then actually doing them. I am feeling really trapped right now and I know it is my true uncertainty with my future that has me in this mental anguish. I am finding myself unwilling to take on these challenges and face things head on. I'm worried about what I will find and how I might be disappointed. With this anxiety I have found myself turning more and more to the TV to zone out and attach myself into someone else's life. Here is the problem, how real is Reality TV and is this truly a fair comparison?
Reality TV. I remember when the first Real World on MTV aired. It was in NYC and I loved it. Living vicariously through 7 strangers to see what makes up their day, their thoughts, their goals. It was a spring board to go against and it was awesome. Recently Kent and I were flipping through the TV and noticed that the Real World is still on and I shudder to think that it is now in something like the 21st season. Holy shit, the 21st season. I know I am no longer the MTV generation and I can not relate to these people in the least. I do know though that this show started a movement and I am sadly hooked on it. Almost in a pathetic way. I love my Tori and Dean, I love Flipping Out, The Real Housewives of any city, The Biggest Loser and Project Runway--how I covet those skills. Thank God I'm not really a Big Brother or super bizarro show and I do not watch the Reality TV network, which I just found the other day far into my cable guide.
My latest show that I am really relating to is Ruby. This show is based on a woman out of Savannah GA who at one point in her life weighed 700 pounds. Ruby is now down to the 330's and this is the smallest she has been in her adult life. I can see her struggles and remember what it was like for me when I weighed significantly more. It is so hard to make changes that last a lifetime, particularly with weightloss. What I am really finding lately is that my body and my mind are not in sync. I am feeling so much bigger than I actually am. I have almost a disconnect with my body and it is frustrating. I watch Ruby every week and see how she is out there for all of the world to see. She has made weightloss her number one priority. I have not had this as a priority for a very long time. I dabble here and there, but I keep returning to the same bad habits.
When I watch the Biggest Loser I usually cry during every episode. Some days Kent and I will go workout on the treadmills at our gym while the show is on. My problem is that I feel so strongly for these contestants that I will literally just start crying. Here I am, this totally overweight woman crying at the gym over people I don't even know. As the show continues weekly I start to get pissed because of how much weight people have lost. This is one show that I find myself so hooked on and I am a giant cheerleader in the beginning but as people have been able to make a connection with their weight and lose consistently, I get upset. I start making excuses as to why they have an unfair advantage. This is so stupid to even talk about and I honestly should just delete this post. My brain in working this around right now and it is what it is.
This morning my phone went off at 8:48am and I was awake, but not wanting to really move. Kent and I have spent the entire week-end celebrating his cousin's wedding. We had a brunch this morning at 10:00am, so I needed to get up anyway. I was surprised to hear the receptionist for my fertility doctor giving me my reminder call for my Tuesday appointment and then she gave me stern warning that we had not filled out our online paperwork. I was so gung ho 3 weeks ago when I made the appointment but now that it is almost here, I have apprehension about going. I'd rather watch that ridiculous show on TLC that is based on women who go into labor and don't even know they are pregnant. What the hell! Now I have never been pregnant before but you have got to be kidding me that these women have no clue that there is a baby growing inside them for almost 10 months.
I started filling out the paperwork earlier this afternoon and of course I started crying. Kent is my rock and we will face this fear I have head on. My fears are not based on the fact that we will never have a family. We will either get pregnant, or we will adopt. I personally have just been on a roller coaster for the past 5 months and I don't have the tools I need to handle it. I'm big into the figuring out of coping skills and tools lately. Food and shopping were my go to fixers, but I can't do either of these. TV has been a fixer upper for me as well, but I think this week I may try to just turn it off and not watch it. I keep making excuses as to why I'm not cooking or why we are not working out. I say I don't have enough time, yet somehow I manage to have plenty of time watching other people live some sort of a daily life on TV. This week may be my week to just get back into the reality of my own life. I did a post a few weeks back titled Back to Life, Back to Reality. I have chosen for far too long other people's reality. My new reality is the fact that I am 20+ pounds heavier than when I met Kent, I had to shop in the plus size section for the first time in 4 years and my ovaries just don't feel like doing their job. My work life is beyond hectic, my family is struggling with the fact my sister has not been able to find a job and I worry constantly about pleasing everyone around me. Imagine if I turned the camera on myself and showed the world the true reality of life..it's not all unicorns and ice cream cones. I suppose my reality can also be the story of a butt rocker and his lady named Shirley and their quest to one day embarrass the crap out of their kids when they dress up for Halloween and take them trick or treating.
Reality TV. I remember when the first Real World on MTV aired. It was in NYC and I loved it. Living vicariously through 7 strangers to see what makes up their day, their thoughts, their goals. It was a spring board to go against and it was awesome. Recently Kent and I were flipping through the TV and noticed that the Real World is still on and I shudder to think that it is now in something like the 21st season. Holy shit, the 21st season. I know I am no longer the MTV generation and I can not relate to these people in the least. I do know though that this show started a movement and I am sadly hooked on it. Almost in a pathetic way. I love my Tori and Dean, I love Flipping Out, The Real Housewives of any city, The Biggest Loser and Project Runway--how I covet those skills. Thank God I'm not really a Big Brother or super bizarro show and I do not watch the Reality TV network, which I just found the other day far into my cable guide.
My latest show that I am really relating to is Ruby. This show is based on a woman out of Savannah GA who at one point in her life weighed 700 pounds. Ruby is now down to the 330's and this is the smallest she has been in her adult life. I can see her struggles and remember what it was like for me when I weighed significantly more. It is so hard to make changes that last a lifetime, particularly with weightloss. What I am really finding lately is that my body and my mind are not in sync. I am feeling so much bigger than I actually am. I have almost a disconnect with my body and it is frustrating. I watch Ruby every week and see how she is out there for all of the world to see. She has made weightloss her number one priority. I have not had this as a priority for a very long time. I dabble here and there, but I keep returning to the same bad habits.
When I watch the Biggest Loser I usually cry during every episode. Some days Kent and I will go workout on the treadmills at our gym while the show is on. My problem is that I feel so strongly for these contestants that I will literally just start crying. Here I am, this totally overweight woman crying at the gym over people I don't even know. As the show continues weekly I start to get pissed because of how much weight people have lost. This is one show that I find myself so hooked on and I am a giant cheerleader in the beginning but as people have been able to make a connection with their weight and lose consistently, I get upset. I start making excuses as to why they have an unfair advantage. This is so stupid to even talk about and I honestly should just delete this post. My brain in working this around right now and it is what it is.
This morning my phone went off at 8:48am and I was awake, but not wanting to really move. Kent and I have spent the entire week-end celebrating his cousin's wedding. We had a brunch this morning at 10:00am, so I needed to get up anyway. I was surprised to hear the receptionist for my fertility doctor giving me my reminder call for my Tuesday appointment and then she gave me stern warning that we had not filled out our online paperwork. I was so gung ho 3 weeks ago when I made the appointment but now that it is almost here, I have apprehension about going. I'd rather watch that ridiculous show on TLC that is based on women who go into labor and don't even know they are pregnant. What the hell! Now I have never been pregnant before but you have got to be kidding me that these women have no clue that there is a baby growing inside them for almost 10 months.
I started filling out the paperwork earlier this afternoon and of course I started crying. Kent is my rock and we will face this fear I have head on. My fears are not based on the fact that we will never have a family. We will either get pregnant, or we will adopt. I personally have just been on a roller coaster for the past 5 months and I don't have the tools I need to handle it. I'm big into the figuring out of coping skills and tools lately. Food and shopping were my go to fixers, but I can't do either of these. TV has been a fixer upper for me as well, but I think this week I may try to just turn it off and not watch it. I keep making excuses as to why I'm not cooking or why we are not working out. I say I don't have enough time, yet somehow I manage to have plenty of time watching other people live some sort of a daily life on TV. This week may be my week to just get back into the reality of my own life. I did a post a few weeks back titled Back to Life, Back to Reality. I have chosen for far too long other people's reality. My new reality is the fact that I am 20+ pounds heavier than when I met Kent, I had to shop in the plus size section for the first time in 4 years and my ovaries just don't feel like doing their job. My work life is beyond hectic, my family is struggling with the fact my sister has not been able to find a job and I worry constantly about pleasing everyone around me. Imagine if I turned the camera on myself and showed the world the true reality of life..it's not all unicorns and ice cream cones. I suppose my reality can also be the story of a butt rocker and his lady named Shirley and their quest to one day embarrass the crap out of their kids when they dress up for Halloween and take them trick or treating.
Passion
If a stranger walked up to me today and randomly asked me what my passion in life was, I honestly have no clue what I would say. Lately I'm finding myself in a rut. Yes, I have a husband that I am passionate about. I have friends and family that I am passionate about, but I question if I have a passion or not. My therapist (don't get me started on needing to go down that road again) has given me some homework, or rather I requested an assignment from her. I need some tools to keep me busy, some skills and things to draw myself towards when I am lonely, sad, frustrated etc that don't involve eating and shopping. My comfort in life has always been food. Sadly though this really is a very, very temporary comfort because as soon as the eating stops, the guilt kicks in.
There are days that I wake up, go to work, eat lunch quickly, work some more and come home. The minute I walk in the door I pick up the house and then plop myself on the sofa. I've been very tired and stressed and it seems like too much effort to even open the fridge and attempt to make dinner. I know that I am not depressed, so this does not worry me. I am sort of going with the motions lately as I feel like I am almost a puppet whose strings are tangled and someone can't figure out how to detangle me.
I have been seeing my therapist on and off again for the past 5 years. I called her up about a month ago after I found myself constantly sad, constantly crying about getting pregnant. Kent, who does his best, said I needed to call Dr. Ellen and talk to her. I was pissed about going back as I felt like a failure. I realized now though that I have gone to her when things have felt stressful and I needed to talk to someone who is completely unbiased. We talk, meet and deal with things until the generally pan out. Like my wedding fears. Once the wedding was over, I didn't feel the need to come. My fears over having a tummy tuck. Once I realized everything was ok and things were smooth, I stopped seeing her. Here is what I am feeling frustrated about. I have honestly not taught myself ways to reach into the information I have within myself to solve my problems with food and over eating. I truly know more than most people when it comes to diet and nutrition, I just for some unknown or unconscious reason choose to not do the correct thing. I go with the easy route, the eat myself into an oblivion route, instead of facing whatever is throwing myself into the direction of food.
Right now I feel like that kid who is on summer break and can't find anything to do and is so bored, but really doesn't want to go back to school. When you're in school all you can think about is summer break and all of the fun stuff that you will get the chance to do. Right now my life is that summer break. I have this incredible opportunity in front of me where I don't have children and I have a relatively normal 8-5 job. I have all of this free time that I can do whatever I want to do. I'm pissed though that I have filled myself full with social situations as I have realized I am leaving no time for just "me" time. I am not cooking, reading, exercising. Nothing. I am working and then looking at the calendar and knowing that I have a party, or going out of town, or a wedding or BBQ. It sounds awful to complain about these things, but if you have too many obligations, it begins to feel like work. In referencing the passion thing once again I find that both myself and Kent do not have activities to occupy our free time. This is why we are so social. I love that we are a couple who has similar interests and we definitely compliment one another when it comes to the social world, but I think in the long run it can hurt us.
For the month of August I decided I was going to do my best to begin taking care of myself. Whoever is up above me must have been listening and really wanted me to follow through on my word because starting July 31st I found myself hit with a bladder infection. 3 days later I started getting a cold and now it is full blown. I have missed two parties, including one tonight. I feel bad that Kent has gone by himself and I know that he is not mad at me, but he may be a little disappointed. We are packed full this week-end and I do think I made the right choice tonight to stay in and rest. Now I am sitting here, writing on my blog and thinking that I should be cleaning the house, I should read, I could start planning a menu (it is time to get back on track) etc. I just don't feel like it. I'm bored though. I'm the kid, sitting at a desk and looking at the outside and wanting to go play. Tonight I need to make that list of things that I really enjoy and post them for myself to see. I need a little encyclopedia of me so that I can reference it from time to time to keep myself going in the right direction.
Next week Kent and I are going to the fertility specialist. I am thinking positive though and preparing myself for whatever we will find out. My passion is going to need to be worked on quickly though as I worry about the upcoming stress and anxiety and how I will handle them. Walking the beach is good, cookies are not so good. Options, maybe right now it is time to find some options, my passion(s) will need to be a work in progress.
There are days that I wake up, go to work, eat lunch quickly, work some more and come home. The minute I walk in the door I pick up the house and then plop myself on the sofa. I've been very tired and stressed and it seems like too much effort to even open the fridge and attempt to make dinner. I know that I am not depressed, so this does not worry me. I am sort of going with the motions lately as I feel like I am almost a puppet whose strings are tangled and someone can't figure out how to detangle me.
I have been seeing my therapist on and off again for the past 5 years. I called her up about a month ago after I found myself constantly sad, constantly crying about getting pregnant. Kent, who does his best, said I needed to call Dr. Ellen and talk to her. I was pissed about going back as I felt like a failure. I realized now though that I have gone to her when things have felt stressful and I needed to talk to someone who is completely unbiased. We talk, meet and deal with things until the generally pan out. Like my wedding fears. Once the wedding was over, I didn't feel the need to come. My fears over having a tummy tuck. Once I realized everything was ok and things were smooth, I stopped seeing her. Here is what I am feeling frustrated about. I have honestly not taught myself ways to reach into the information I have within myself to solve my problems with food and over eating. I truly know more than most people when it comes to diet and nutrition, I just for some unknown or unconscious reason choose to not do the correct thing. I go with the easy route, the eat myself into an oblivion route, instead of facing whatever is throwing myself into the direction of food.
Right now I feel like that kid who is on summer break and can't find anything to do and is so bored, but really doesn't want to go back to school. When you're in school all you can think about is summer break and all of the fun stuff that you will get the chance to do. Right now my life is that summer break. I have this incredible opportunity in front of me where I don't have children and I have a relatively normal 8-5 job. I have all of this free time that I can do whatever I want to do. I'm pissed though that I have filled myself full with social situations as I have realized I am leaving no time for just "me" time. I am not cooking, reading, exercising. Nothing. I am working and then looking at the calendar and knowing that I have a party, or going out of town, or a wedding or BBQ. It sounds awful to complain about these things, but if you have too many obligations, it begins to feel like work. In referencing the passion thing once again I find that both myself and Kent do not have activities to occupy our free time. This is why we are so social. I love that we are a couple who has similar interests and we definitely compliment one another when it comes to the social world, but I think in the long run it can hurt us.
For the month of August I decided I was going to do my best to begin taking care of myself. Whoever is up above me must have been listening and really wanted me to follow through on my word because starting July 31st I found myself hit with a bladder infection. 3 days later I started getting a cold and now it is full blown. I have missed two parties, including one tonight. I feel bad that Kent has gone by himself and I know that he is not mad at me, but he may be a little disappointed. We are packed full this week-end and I do think I made the right choice tonight to stay in and rest. Now I am sitting here, writing on my blog and thinking that I should be cleaning the house, I should read, I could start planning a menu (it is time to get back on track) etc. I just don't feel like it. I'm bored though. I'm the kid, sitting at a desk and looking at the outside and wanting to go play. Tonight I need to make that list of things that I really enjoy and post them for myself to see. I need a little encyclopedia of me so that I can reference it from time to time to keep myself going in the right direction.
Next week Kent and I are going to the fertility specialist. I am thinking positive though and preparing myself for whatever we will find out. My passion is going to need to be worked on quickly though as I worry about the upcoming stress and anxiety and how I will handle them. Walking the beach is good, cookies are not so good. Options, maybe right now it is time to find some options, my passion(s) will need to be a work in progress.
