She's Come Undone

On Thursday, after I took a pregnancy test, I found myself literally drained. From the top of my head to my toes it was as if someone was undoing my world, almost like a thread that you find on a jacket that keeps unravelling until there is a hole. I had this zombie like way that followed me around for several days. Thursday night Kent did his best to keep my spirits uplifted and we went to the golf course across from our home and had BBQ and listened to jazz. This didn't help and unfortunately Friday was just as bad. I distanced myself from Kent, from co-workers as much as possible and just needed to be in my own thoughts. I went home Friday night only to tell Kent that I was taking off, running some errands, maybe I would end up in another state, who knew. Of course I didn't take drastic measures like that. I went to the mall and forced myself to buy a few new pieces of clothes as I was plum out of options for work and the week-ends for that matter. I could punish myself all I wanted, the simple fact was that I had nothing to wear (at least nothing that fit)! Kent asked me later that night why I didn't want him to come. Truthfully it felt like such a private matter, I was embarrassed for many reasons which were all mine. Kent is awesome and has always been a big supporter in my life. Kent can't solve these problems I am having though; I have to prove to him that I am capable of that.

While I was at the mall I picked up a copy of She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. I read this book years ago, probably in 1994, when Oprah added it to her Oprah's Favorite Books List. I'm not annoyed that Oprah recommended it, but I'm a little tired of Oprah anymore. This book struck a serious chord in me many years ago and at this point I was reaching for anything to help bring back my joy and confidence. I was only able to read 100 pages this past week-end, but I remember why I enjoyed the book so much. It is so easy to relate to the main character in many ways, particularly with her love of food and comforting herself with it. I'm sort of at a cross roads right now with the realization that I have a very serious problem with how I abuse food. It's embarrassing to say this, but the first step in finding ways to cope with this issue is to make it known. I am playing around with ideas that will best suit me to help tackle and calm this issue I have with food. I am resolved now to the idea that I will always struggle. I use that term loosely as some days will be more of a struggle than others. There will more than likely not be a long period of time that I will be able to go without checking in with myself about my weight and food options. Alcoholics can choose to quit drinking as alcohol is not a necessity to live; food is. The right food, this is my goal, and thinking of food as nutrition and not comfort with take an incredible internal struggle.

Yesterday, Sunday, I started to feel better. Kent and I went to Greenlake for several hours and laid in the sun. I read, he people watched and it was very, very relaxing. While we were there it was pretty overwhelming how many people were pushing strollers or had these big pregnant belly's. I had a good cry for a minute and it was like a big relief. Kent and I talked about how it is a bummer how some people get pregnant quickly, how many people aren't even trying and mistakenly get pregnant etc. This is life though. What I remember the most from She's Come Undone is how it related to the analogy of a deck of cards. In the game of poker you are dealt a hand and then have the option of holding, folding and taking a draw. This is sort of the way life is. Right now Kent and I are in the position of needing to play our best cards. We need to get out fitness in, work on stress, eat really well and be very kind to one another. I'm folding right now on the crap that seems to always be flung my way. My "crap" bubble is actually in full force and I am sticking to my guns about this. I'm waiting a few more days until my cycle starts and then I will begin taking Clomid. I've heard the horror stories, but I'm just not going to give into that fear. This is a private matter and I'm doing my best to keep it at bay.