Reality TV. I remember when the first Real World on MTV aired. It was in NYC and I loved it. Living vicariously through 7 strangers to see what makes up their day, their thoughts, their goals. It was a spring board to go against and it was awesome. Recently Kent and I were flipping through the TV and noticed that the Real World is still on and I shudder to think that it is now in something like the 21st season. Holy shit, the 21st season. I know I am no longer the MTV generation and I can not relate to these people in the least. I do know though that this show started a movement and I am sadly hooked on it. Almost in a pathetic way. I love my Tori and Dean, I love Flipping Out, The Real Housewives of any city, The Biggest Loser and Project Runway--how I covet those skills. Thank God I'm not really a Big Brother or super bizarro show and I do not watch the Reality TV network, which I just found the other day far into my cable guide.
My latest show that I am really relating to is Ruby. This show is based on a woman out of Savannah GA who at one point in her life weighed 700 pounds. Ruby is now down to the 330's and this is the smallest she has been in her adult life. I can see her struggles and remember what it was like for me when I weighed significantly more. It is so hard to make changes that last a lifetime, particularly with weightloss. What I am really finding lately is that my body and my mind are not in sync. I am feeling so much bigger than I actually am. I have almost a disconnect with my body and it is frustrating. I watch Ruby every week and see how she is out there for all of the world to see. She has made weightloss her number one priority. I have not had this as a priority for a very long time. I dabble here and there, but I keep returning to the same bad habits.
When I watch the Biggest Loser I usually cry during every episode. Some days Kent and I will go workout on the treadmills at our gym while the show is on. My problem is that I feel so strongly for these contestants that I will literally just start crying. Here I am, this totally overweight woman crying at the gym over people I don't even know. As the show continues weekly I start to get pissed because of how much weight people have lost. This is one show that I find myself so hooked on and I am a giant cheerleader in the beginning but as people have been able to make a connection with their weight and lose consistently, I get upset. I start making excuses as to why they have an unfair advantage. This is so stupid to even talk about and I honestly should just delete this post. My brain in working this around right now and it is what it is.
This morning my phone went off at 8:48am and I was awake, but not wanting to really move. Kent and I have spent the entire week-end celebrating his cousin's wedding. We had a brunch this morning at 10:00am, so I needed to get up anyway. I was surprised to hear the receptionist for my fertility doctor giving me my reminder call for my Tuesday appointment and then she gave me stern warning that we had not filled out our online paperwork. I was so gung ho 3 weeks ago when I made the appointment but now that it is almost here, I have apprehension about going. I'd rather watch that ridiculous show on TLC that is based on women who go into labor and don't even know they are pregnant. What the hell! Now I have never been pregnant before but you have got to be kidding me that these women have no clue that there is a baby growing inside them for almost 10 months.
I started filling out the paperwork earlier this afternoon and of course I started crying. Kent is my rock and we will face this fear I have head on. My fears are not based on the fact that we will never have a family. We will either get pregnant, or we will adopt. I personally have just been on a roller coaster for the past 5 months and I don't have the tools I need to handle it. I'm big into the figuring out of coping skills and tools lately. Food and shopping were my go to fixers, but I can't do either of these. TV has been a fixer upper for me as well, but I think this week I may try to just turn it off and not watch it. I keep making excuses as to why I'm not cooking or why we are not working out. I say I don't have enough time, yet somehow I manage to have plenty of time watching other people live some sort of a daily life on TV. This week may be my week to just get back into the reality of my own life. I did a post a few weeks back titled Back to Life, Back to Reality. I have chosen for far too long other people's reality. My new reality is the fact that I am 20+ pounds heavier than when I met Kent, I had to shop in the plus size section for the first time in 4 years and my ovaries just don't feel like doing their job. My work life is beyond hectic, my family is struggling with the fact my sister has not been able to find a job and I worry constantly about pleasing everyone around me. Imagine if I turned the camera on myself and showed the world the true reality of life..it's not all unicorns and ice cream cones. I suppose my reality can also be the story of a butt rocker and his lady named Shirley and their quest to one day embarrass the crap out of their kids when they dress up for Halloween and take them trick or treating.
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