Passion

If a stranger walked up to me today and randomly asked me what my passion in life was, I honestly have no clue what I would say. Lately I'm finding myself in a rut. Yes, I have a husband that I am passionate about. I have friends and family that I am passionate about, but I question if I have a passion or not. My therapist (don't get me started on needing to go down that road again) has given me some homework, or rather I requested an assignment from her. I need some tools to keep me busy, some skills and things to draw myself towards when I am lonely, sad, frustrated etc that don't involve eating and shopping. My comfort in life has always been food. Sadly though this really is a very, very temporary comfort because as soon as the eating stops, the guilt kicks in.

There are days that I wake up, go to work, eat lunch quickly, work some more and come home. The minute I walk in the door I pick up the house and then plop myself on the sofa. I've been very tired and stressed and it seems like too much effort to even open the fridge and attempt to make dinner. I know that I am not depressed, so this does not worry me. I am sort of going with the motions lately as I feel like I am almost a puppet whose strings are tangled and someone can't figure out how to detangle me.

I have been seeing my therapist on and off again for the past 5 years. I called her up about a month ago after I found myself constantly sad, constantly crying about getting pregnant. Kent, who does his best, said I needed to call Dr. Ellen and talk to her. I was pissed about going back as I felt like a failure. I realized now though that I have gone to her when things have felt stressful and I needed to talk to someone who is completely unbiased. We talk, meet and deal with things until the generally pan out. Like my wedding fears. Once the wedding was over, I didn't feel the need to come. My fears over having a tummy tuck. Once I realized everything was ok and things were smooth, I stopped seeing her. Here is what I am feeling frustrated about. I have honestly not taught myself ways to reach into the information I have within myself to solve my problems with food and over eating. I truly know more than most people when it comes to diet and nutrition, I just for some unknown or unconscious reason choose to not do the correct thing. I go with the easy route, the eat myself into an oblivion route, instead of facing whatever is throwing myself into the direction of food.

Right now I feel like that kid who is on summer break and can't find anything to do and is so bored, but really doesn't want to go back to school. When you're in school all you can think about is summer break and all of the fun stuff that you will get the chance to do. Right now my life is that summer break. I have this incredible opportunity in front of me where I don't have children and I have a relatively normal 8-5 job. I have all of this free time that I can do whatever I want to do. I'm pissed though that I have filled myself full with social situations as I have realized I am leaving no time for just "me" time. I am not cooking, reading, exercising. Nothing. I am working and then looking at the calendar and knowing that I have a party, or going out of town, or a wedding or BBQ. It sounds awful to complain about these things, but if you have too many obligations, it begins to feel like work. In referencing the passion thing once again I find that both myself and Kent do not have activities to occupy our free time. This is why we are so social. I love that we are a couple who has similar interests and we definitely compliment one another when it comes to the social world, but I think in the long run it can hurt us.

For the month of August I decided I was going to do my best to begin taking care of myself. Whoever is up above me must have been listening and really wanted me to follow through on my word because starting July 31st I found myself hit with a bladder infection. 3 days later I started getting a cold and now it is full blown. I have missed two parties, including one tonight. I feel bad that Kent has gone by himself and I know that he is not mad at me, but he may be a little disappointed. We are packed full this week-end and I do think I made the right choice tonight to stay in and rest. Now I am sitting here, writing on my blog and thinking that I should be cleaning the house, I should read, I could start planning a menu (it is time to get back on track) etc. I just don't feel like it. I'm bored though. I'm the kid, sitting at a desk and looking at the outside and wanting to go play. Tonight I need to make that list of things that I really enjoy and post them for myself to see. I need a little encyclopedia of me so that I can reference it from time to time to keep myself going in the right direction.

Next week Kent and I are going to the fertility specialist. I am thinking positive though and preparing myself for whatever we will find out. My passion is going to need to be worked on quickly though as I worry about the upcoming stress and anxiety and how I will handle them. Walking the beach is good, cookies are not so good. Options, maybe right now it is time to find some options, my passion(s) will need to be a work in progress.