Memories

This past week-end I found myself finally getting around to making our Italy photo album. Even though is has only been 8 months since we were in Italy, it feels like it has been years. The emotions I have felt recently have been unlike any other. The fear, insecurity, stress and sadness I have surrounding TTC has been very difficult on both myself and Kent. While I was looking at our photos all I could see was a couple having a wonderful time together. There was no stress on our faces, there was laughter and excitement in our eyes as we were no longer on BCP and we knew that we were ready to have a family. It wasn't until we returned from Italy and I went to the doctor that next week that things really shifted. It was almost as if this idyllic time we spent together was erased and replaced with cold hard facts of infertility/ovulation problems and an uncertainty that we both have difficulty in accepting.

This past week my mind was focused on acceptance. I have had a very hard time accepting the fact that my body is just wired this way..wired to not ovulate, to produce too much insulin and I need to work the best with what I have. I hate how much this has made me feel inadequate, feel like a failure. I worry about Kent and how he too has to deal with this. He gets the questions too about when we are having kids and he has to go to the appointments and get "prodded" too. He also has to put up with the incredible mood swings that have become a constant. Kent is my shining star that helps me see through this very dark period of time.


Here is a photo from May 2007, our first vacation together to the Jazz Fest in New Orleans. We were stuck in a flash flood, it was amazing.


The boat Kent proposed to me on in Aug 2007, and then drove us to the surprise engagement party.


Here's a photo of us from Sept 2007, High Tea in Victoria, BC. What man joins you for high tea?


A trip to Cabo in Jan 2008, before all of the wedding storm would hit.


Our mini-moon in August 2008

When I look at these photos I have so much happiness. We were happy, like ridiculously happy. We had found one another on a whim on Match.com. I knew so quickly that I was going to marry Kent. This week-end I was forced to take a good look at how I am processing things right now and unfortunately they are pretty negative and skewed. These pictures all have something in common...Kent and I and the life we have due to our choices and abilities. This can remain the same, even through fertility issues. Maybe this is my way of dealing with the pain of each month passing by with negative news.

What I do know though is that Kent and I are still together and better than ever. Sometimes I need to quiet myself and step back before I am able to realize things. Thank you to my husband for the patience and understanding he possesses. I love you Kent.