Can it really keep going up?

I'm not talking about the DOW or my stress levels. I stepped on this scale this morning only to see a weight gain of another 3 pounds. I have gained almost 7 pounds in 10 days. I'm embarrassed to write these things down. I'm embarrassed that my very loose pants (the one's in the way back of the closet that I was going to give to charity) are just about too tight. What in the hell is going on? I'm almost in shock. I'm not pregnant, that was confirmed by my BFN on the stick this morning. I'm in emotional overload and it is spilling everywhere into my life and is re-entering through my mouth.

I have no more excuses. I have a problem. This is no more a little situation. I feel mentally drained and I really have no serious dilemma's that I am facing. I'm not trying to run a household with three children and a busy husband. I'm really a one woman show with a husband who is pretty close to managing all of his own life/world (except the kitchen part, but he has definitely improved). I stared for a moment at the scale in utter shock. I felt numb, I felt powerless. I packed things for work and cried my way into the office. Then I really cried as I handed over my freshly, untouched book on the Mayo Clinics Guide to Pregnancy to someone else to read, as I don't need it right now. I cried because that is suppose to be my book to read. I bought that book as I was practicing the "secret." Well the "secret" can suck it as far as I am concerned and I will continue on my hormones to activate my cycle and then throw a handful of clomid into the mix a week later. I know there is a serious amount of anger here, but there is this weird process I am going through right now, almost like the stages of grief. My loss is not normal though; I feel like my loss is my life and my control. I have no serenity. I am not going to join a 12-step group for overeating as I just can't handle the literature and placing so much of my life in the hands of a sponsor. Have I really reached so low that I need to call a stranger the next time I want a donut?

My mentality is so low these days. One of my favorite patients came in the other day and I am still weighing heavily with her "insights" into my weight gain. Calories in vs. calories out is an equation of logic and science. My person, my body, my complexities are not able to be solved by simple mathematical logic. My problem is not a potato chip, it is so much bigger than that. This is one of those posts that I really should write but not publish for anyone's eyes other than mine. What is the point though. I'm almost 30 pounds heavier than when I met Kent. There is no hiding this fact, it is as simple as the nose on my face.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was happy for my friend and her good news about getting pregnant so easily. Then I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant women; in the grocery store, in the elevator, walking on the sidewalks, coming into my office. It was like I couldn't escape my pain. I instantly turned to food as a way to numb it down as I just was not in a space to manage it. My guilt over my potentially serious problems makes me feel sad for Kent, even though he has repeatedly told me to stop thinking this way. I'm unclear of where to go next, where to take these feelings. My walks in the evenings have been nice, but not enough. My weekly therapy is just that, weekly. I'm sick of googling for a way out of this situation. Like the next search topic into my pain, my issues will magically appear with all of the answers. I've lost touch with reality and I almost want to just go in hiding for a day or two. Leave everything and find a way to emerge again slowly. Step aside and see things at their face value and the true path my appear. Right now this journey has been side-stepped for a much rockier incline. Somehow my GPS will re-adjust and I will begin to navigate once again. For now though I will remember my little friend Alex, who is 19 now, who taught me a very valuable lesson when I went to college. She called me crying one night and I asked her what was wrong and she told me her heart hurt. She missed me and her heart hurt. I understand what she is talking about right now as my heart hurts too.