Doo doo doo doo...here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right. Since about the age of 18 I have kept a journal on and off. One tradition that I have held steady with is an entry on December 31st that generally sums up my year, sort of an annual report to myself on life. For this entry I don't hash out the bad and beat myself up, but it is usually eye opening when I have time to process encounters and see them with either more time, more wisdom or less emotions. I am a processor, a thinker, a constant scenario player in my head. Here's the thing about this particular year...I don't want to process it. I have been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year. The emotions have been to the extreme, like flying from Antarctica to the Equator in 4 hours. I really don't want to relive this as it has been a giant drag. I've been out of control emotionally, physically with food and mentally with visions of negativity that have plagued me for months. I'm tired of it.
Right now the goal is to focus on the good, what I have in life that so many times I just don't recognize. My optimism for this next year is pretty high right now. Kent and I are focused as a team to get ourselves back on track. We have a plan for our food intake and fitness. I have menus weekly coming to me and Bootcamp 3x a week that should help jump start us. We look forward to moving in the next 4-8 months into a bigger home and finally getting that grown up King sized bed we've dreamed about. Our priorities are shifting and this is a good thing. I think 2010 will be the year of me. I tend to be last on my list, but not this year. My focus is going to have to be continually on me, something that I am not use to. The focus is simple though---healthy food, exercise/fitness daily, mental relaxation and calming of life's woes. Sounds easy? Truthfully, once I put my mind to something I can do it. It is just getting started which is tough. I have been so bummed every time I work out lately as I am in the worst shape that I have been in for the past 5 years. When I run I feel my second ass hit my back. I mean seriously, it has gotten bad. Six years ago I went from jogging for 30 seconds to 1/2 marathons, so I know I have it in me. There's a little athlete inside me who has been struggling with life for the past year. I'm over letting things like fertility issues, family stress etc bog me down to the point of being unable to move. Moving is what will help me stay on focus, so it is time to start baby steps again towards the old Lisa.
I'm grateful for my friends, family and Kent for staying by my side as these past few months have wore me down. I can not wait to get back on track and start to feel better about myself. I don't want to talk about the fertility options and stress that will come with this. I want to hopefully remind myself every month that doing the best I can is my only option and true choice. I have no control over the actual process, but I do have control over how I "process" these monthly emotional roller coasters. Somehow I am going to beg for peace within myself and my body.
May 2010 bless all of us, or at least allow us to see our blessings.
Welcome to 2009
My BFF Susan had her baby boy unexpectedly on Monday morning of this week. Baby boy, AKA "Cake Waffle" was scheduled to arrive on December 31st via a scheduled C-section. I think "Cake Waffle" is going to be a party animal. Apparently he didn't want to have only one night of drinking as he gets older to celebrate his birthday, so he arrived early. I mean really, how much fun is it to have a birthday coincide with a holiday, especially New Year's...you get robbed. Now people will wear hats and have balloons twice in one week to celebrate his special day and the New Year.
Happy Birthday "Cake Waffle!" I can't wait until your parents have a name picked out for you (Cake Waffle is what their 2 year old Mac decided they should name the baby). Mom and "CW" are doing great and getting ready to hopefully leave the hospital today. I'm bummed I left my camera at home, but I doubt Susan would have wanted some glamour shots for my blog. Love Ya Susie!
Happy Birthday "Cake Waffle!" I can't wait until your parents have a name picked out for you (Cake Waffle is what their 2 year old Mac decided they should name the baby). Mom and "CW" are doing great and getting ready to hopefully leave the hospital today. I'm bummed I left my camera at home, but I doubt Susan would have wanted some glamour shots for my blog. Love Ya Susie!
Christmas 2009
I wasn't quite sure what was going to happen to our holiday cheer and spirit this year. I've been in the total dumps with the fertility issues I have and work has been very trying lately. I attacked and decorated the house with vengeance to literally evoke the Christmas spirit wherever I turned. I forced Kent to listen to Delilah on 106.9 ( I know, gross) the station where sappy Christmas dedications are played for hours on end. Maybe someday I will send Delilah a dedication to play for Kent about how much I love him. Truth be told we probably wouldn't listen to 106.9 during dinner but sadly this station gets the best transmission.
Our Christmas celebration started on the 23rd with a trip to the Paramount Theatre to see the Rockettes. I was looking forward to seeing this show, but within 5, yes 5, minutes of the show starting I knew we were in trouble. It was frickin' awful, like I wanted to strangle myself during almost every act. The dancing by the Rockettes themselves was not that terrible, but the bloody mish mash of holiday spirit in between proved to be too much. We left before the show ended and it was the best decision I made about the show.
Kent looking oh so cute in his fashionable velvet jacket
On Christmas Eve I had to work for a few hours that morning, which ended up not being that bad. Patients were in good moods as was the staff. Kent and I went and picked up him mom and dropped her off at her friends house. Kent's mom has total issues and right now it is best that she hangs out with Sylvia, someday we will find a better balance hopefully and I can handle her condition a bit better. I was worried about doing anything this day as the cyst I had more than likely popped as I had incredible pain for several days in my left ovary. The pain was steady and spiked occasionally. This pain was pretty bad as we were driving out to Kent's Aunt's house, but luckily we managed. Kent's Aunt Lisa has 2 children, and we hung out at her house for a few hours, sang a few songs and then rushed back to Seattle for the evenings true entertainment.
Dina Martina in the flesh, whose to say a picture is not worth a 1,000 words?
First I must admit that when Kent's friend Monika invited us to The Dina Martina Christmas Show I didn't know what to think. I told Kent Jesus would not like this and hanging out at a bar on Christmas Eve just didn't seem right. Monika and Kent convinced me that the holidays were about spending it with friends and family, and truthfully, Monika is like Kent's sister. Monika's boyfriend Miles is from Britain and this was his first holiday without his family so it only felt right to spend it together. When we arrived at the Re-bar I was happy to see the show was sold-out and within 5 minutes of the opening number I knew I was at the right place. I have not laughed that hard in months, many many months. The show was so funny and everyone around us was so nice and full of holiday good will. Tears practically rolled down my face as "she" performed her own rendition of holiday songs. This show literally brought me my spirit back. I walked out of that bar and felt better than I had in months. How I wish I could put some of the performance up on my blog, it just rocked.
As we were leaving Monika and Miles asked us to join them next door for Ethiopian food. I immediately thought, of course, Ethiopian food...it is about as Christmas as attending a drag queen holiday special on Christmas Eve. We walked into the restaurant at 10pm on Christmas Eve and it was very quiet and we were definitely the only non-African patrons. Monika and Miles have both been to Africa several times so they instantly knew what to order. We all washed our hands and dug in. It was spicy and yummy. I didn't quite care for the Injera, which is the spongy like bread that you use to "eat" the food with. No utensils used here, just bread. I did like the assorted vegetarian dips and the lamb wot was quite tasty. We finally left at midnight as I told Mr. Davis that Santa was coming and we needed to stay on his "nice" list. We bid farewell to Monika and Miles and rushed home to fill each others stockings.
Santa was very good to both of us. I love how Kent wraps every one of the items he puts in my stocking. He was so sweet and bought me my beautiful navy handbag that I have been coveting for months.
Kent and I are doing our best to live by a budget (well talking is more like it..talking about being on a budget) so I couldn't justify the purse. Christmas morning though there was a wacko present wrapped like a giant tube and shoved in here was my navy beauty. We then had to hurry and dash to my parents house in Puyallup to have many, many presents to open and food to gorge on.
My Grandma June with the largest box of Russel Stover chocolates ever created. She loves this crappy candy...and she's totally diabetic. She is 88 and rocks though.
This holiday turned out really well. I was so concerned with how emotional I have been recently that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I did though, I enjoyed it. I didn't cry when I saw big pregnant bellies or commercials for Folgers coffee. I looked around me and saw this awesome husband of mine and the life we have. This Christmas was very special and I look with great joy to the New Year.
Our Christmas celebration started on the 23rd with a trip to the Paramount Theatre to see the Rockettes. I was looking forward to seeing this show, but within 5, yes 5, minutes of the show starting I knew we were in trouble. It was frickin' awful, like I wanted to strangle myself during almost every act. The dancing by the Rockettes themselves was not that terrible, but the bloody mish mash of holiday spirit in between proved to be too much. We left before the show ended and it was the best decision I made about the show.
Kent looking oh so cute in his fashionable velvet jacket
On Christmas Eve I had to work for a few hours that morning, which ended up not being that bad. Patients were in good moods as was the staff. Kent and I went and picked up him mom and dropped her off at her friends house. Kent's mom has total issues and right now it is best that she hangs out with Sylvia, someday we will find a better balance hopefully and I can handle her condition a bit better. I was worried about doing anything this day as the cyst I had more than likely popped as I had incredible pain for several days in my left ovary. The pain was steady and spiked occasionally. This pain was pretty bad as we were driving out to Kent's Aunt's house, but luckily we managed. Kent's Aunt Lisa has 2 children, and we hung out at her house for a few hours, sang a few songs and then rushed back to Seattle for the evenings true entertainment.
Dina Martina in the flesh, whose to say a picture is not worth a 1,000 words?
First I must admit that when Kent's friend Monika invited us to The Dina Martina Christmas Show I didn't know what to think. I told Kent Jesus would not like this and hanging out at a bar on Christmas Eve just didn't seem right. Monika and Kent convinced me that the holidays were about spending it with friends and family, and truthfully, Monika is like Kent's sister. Monika's boyfriend Miles is from Britain and this was his first holiday without his family so it only felt right to spend it together. When we arrived at the Re-bar I was happy to see the show was sold-out and within 5 minutes of the opening number I knew I was at the right place. I have not laughed that hard in months, many many months. The show was so funny and everyone around us was so nice and full of holiday good will. Tears practically rolled down my face as "she" performed her own rendition of holiday songs. This show literally brought me my spirit back. I walked out of that bar and felt better than I had in months. How I wish I could put some of the performance up on my blog, it just rocked.
As we were leaving Monika and Miles asked us to join them next door for Ethiopian food. I immediately thought, of course, Ethiopian food...it is about as Christmas as attending a drag queen holiday special on Christmas Eve. We walked into the restaurant at 10pm on Christmas Eve and it was very quiet and we were definitely the only non-African patrons. Monika and Miles have both been to Africa several times so they instantly knew what to order. We all washed our hands and dug in. It was spicy and yummy. I didn't quite care for the Injera, which is the spongy like bread that you use to "eat" the food with. No utensils used here, just bread. I did like the assorted vegetarian dips and the lamb wot was quite tasty. We finally left at midnight as I told Mr. Davis that Santa was coming and we needed to stay on his "nice" list. We bid farewell to Monika and Miles and rushed home to fill each others stockings.
Santa was very good to both of us. I love how Kent wraps every one of the items he puts in my stocking. He was so sweet and bought me my beautiful navy handbag that I have been coveting for months.
Kent and I are doing our best to live by a budget (well talking is more like it..talking about being on a budget) so I couldn't justify the purse. Christmas morning though there was a wacko present wrapped like a giant tube and shoved in here was my navy beauty. We then had to hurry and dash to my parents house in Puyallup to have many, many presents to open and food to gorge on.
My Grandma June with the largest box of Russel Stover chocolates ever created. She loves this crappy candy...and she's totally diabetic. She is 88 and rocks though.
This holiday turned out really well. I was so concerned with how emotional I have been recently that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I did though, I enjoyed it. I didn't cry when I saw big pregnant bellies or commercials for Folgers coffee. I looked around me and saw this awesome husband of mine and the life we have. This Christmas was very special and I look with great joy to the New Year.
Happy Holidays....
I'm starting to get that warm feeling, the happiness feeling that I haven't felt for awhile. I am enjoying the beautiful decorating Kent and I did together and the fun things planned over the next few days. I'm keeping my stress at bay, even though it is all around me. I'm controlling what I can and putting the rest aside as it will do me no good. I'm so thankful that I have a husband who will make a mad dash with me to the store and make 12 gifts for all my co-workers on a moments notice (like last night at 8pm).
There are so many reasons that I love Kent, but here is an example of what makes him that fabulous guy. The other night I was putting some presents under the tree and I noticed this one gift that looked really out of place. It's wrapping was terrible, you could see weird paper shredding, cat hair stuck in the tape and the bow was ridiculous. I thought to myself, we don't have kids! I forgot our only kid though is Kent's 16 year old cat Stoney who apparently went shopping for me and wrapped his own gift. The tag said To Mom Love Stoney. The fact that Kent intentionally wrapped this gift poorly and put a chunk of Stoney's fur in the tape is a testament to his thoughtfulness.
This has been a rock and roll of a year, literally. Some days are rocky, some days we roll on by. We've had our seat belts on the entire time though and I couldn't be more happy to be side by side with Kent. My wonderful friends too have been a testament to the word of friendship. Thank you everyone, have a wonderful holiday!
You gotta have faith
I've had the strangest feelings over the past few weeks. The sadness has been tough, knowing that my goal of pregnancy this year did not come. It is a weird pain, an aching in my heart and a little aching for Kent too. I have found myself staring out the window at work and looking at the cathedral that is across the street. I was raised Catholic, but I don't attend church and I could tell you very little about the religion. There are a few things that I loved about church though, I loved the signing and saying peace be with you to strangers around.
This April when we were in Vatican City I joked with Kent that I wanted him to pray for smaller thighs for me. I actually said a silent prayer to God, asking him to help me become a mom. I mean can I get any closer to the higher ups within the Catholic world? My entire life I have worried about getting pregnant, I have no idea why. I've always been really overweight and feared nobody would love me enough to marry me. But deep down I've had a suspicion. You don't start your cycle at 10 and have it be crazy forever. I use to joke that I could go through a box of tampons in a year, and I'm not talking Costco size boxes. Friends were envious of my missing cycle, but the envy is over. Now it is more of a pity.
This past week-end I found myself at a house party and I wasn't prepared mentally, the questions about how our marriage was and what we were up to. The prying of personal questions about why things have been hard (I was just too honest, it just came out). I'm not a sweet talker when things are not sweet. I was honest and said we were going through a rough patch with starting a family. But my favorite was the discovery that this bitchy woman that Kent has known since high school, who was married in late September, got knocked up on her honeymoon and was walking around rubbing her belly (which is flatter than a board) and telling everyone her good news. I had not seen her since last Christmas, when she sulked on the sofa because there was no engagement ring on her finger. So when I saw her I naturally said congrats, as in congrats on your wedding, but she patted her flat-ass belly and smiled. France was "good to them." I probably turned white as a ghost and I wanted to scream, "are you F*ing kidding me!" but that is nasty and I am doing my best to combat this negative mind of mine. I know this is rude and selfish, but she is bitchy, down right bitchy, always has been, always will be. Knowing she is going to be someones mom so quickly....ahhh...this is where my faith needs to come in. Faith that Kent and I will continue in a positive way and take care of ourselves. Faith that our dreams will come true, somehow, someway. So we have the next 4-8 weeks of taking care of ourselves and not focusing on TTC. I honestly may find myself on the lawn of that church, saying a little prayer for myself that hopefully someone is listening too.
This April when we were in Vatican City I joked with Kent that I wanted him to pray for smaller thighs for me. I actually said a silent prayer to God, asking him to help me become a mom. I mean can I get any closer to the higher ups within the Catholic world? My entire life I have worried about getting pregnant, I have no idea why. I've always been really overweight and feared nobody would love me enough to marry me. But deep down I've had a suspicion. You don't start your cycle at 10 and have it be crazy forever. I use to joke that I could go through a box of tampons in a year, and I'm not talking Costco size boxes. Friends were envious of my missing cycle, but the envy is over. Now it is more of a pity.
This past week-end I found myself at a house party and I wasn't prepared mentally, the questions about how our marriage was and what we were up to. The prying of personal questions about why things have been hard (I was just too honest, it just came out). I'm not a sweet talker when things are not sweet. I was honest and said we were going through a rough patch with starting a family. But my favorite was the discovery that this bitchy woman that Kent has known since high school, who was married in late September, got knocked up on her honeymoon and was walking around rubbing her belly (which is flatter than a board) and telling everyone her good news. I had not seen her since last Christmas, when she sulked on the sofa because there was no engagement ring on her finger. So when I saw her I naturally said congrats, as in congrats on your wedding, but she patted her flat-ass belly and smiled. France was "good to them." I probably turned white as a ghost and I wanted to scream, "are you F*ing kidding me!" but that is nasty and I am doing my best to combat this negative mind of mine. I know this is rude and selfish, but she is bitchy, down right bitchy, always has been, always will be. Knowing she is going to be someones mom so quickly....ahhh...this is where my faith needs to come in. Faith that Kent and I will continue in a positive way and take care of ourselves. Faith that our dreams will come true, somehow, someway. So we have the next 4-8 weeks of taking care of ourselves and not focusing on TTC. I honestly may find myself on the lawn of that church, saying a little prayer for myself that hopefully someone is listening too.
TGIF
Today I have begun a journey that I hope to continue over the next 4-6 weeks. This is a journey to pick myself off of the "floor" and rediscover who I am. I'm ashamed at the constant neglect of myself and my emotions. Last night I sobbed to Kent, asking him to let me quit my job, as the stress and emotional overload is overwhelming. Knowing that is not an option for many reasons I've realized that I can either wallow in pity and continue falling further and further, or I can reach out for help and reach within myself as well.
Yesterday my BFF Susan was reminding me of how every goal I have wanted I have achieved. We've known each other for many years. She and I met while I worked at the Westin hotel and I was finishing up at the UW. She has watched me graduate, conquer weight loss and fitness goals of 1/2 marathons and triathlons and truly test myself to the maximum by allowing myself to find the courage to date which ultimately allowed me to meet and marry the most incredible man. Since we have been married though I have had a secret underlying fear of infertility. I have known that I have PCOS and that this is the leading cause of infertility. Being that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would find the courage to allow someone to love me, I was not worried about the pregnancy thing. My marriage is wonderful, but this fear of infertility is robbing it of the joy that was once there.
Today I found myself reading a book that I have had on my shelf for quite some time. It is a book about one's emotions and how much of a prisoner we are within ourselves. I've combated years of not feeling worthy, regardless of the relentless pursuit I put towards things. I'm a 100% or nothing kind of lady. This is not life though, this is a death sentence as I can not be perfect all the time. The quote that really stuck out for me was referring to emotional freedom and how we can view our emotions and the stronghold they have on us. "To make this a reality (emotional freedom) you must begin to see each event of your life, uplifting or hurtful, earthshaking or mundane, as a chance to grow stronger, smarter, more light-bearing. But here's where many of us hit a wall. We're ashamed of feeling afraid, inadequate, lonely, as if we've failed or done something wrong. No matter what you've experienced, there is always hope for change and healing. It's a miracle within reach. Don't be afraid to want it."
For some reason that is just resonating with me. I'm so angered and feel robbed by infertility and the medications I need to combat that problem. I'm afraid all the time. I'm pushing my fear and sadness down with foods that do more harm than good. I've lost that spirit within myself that is always a show stopper (I'm great in a crowd). I have gratitude though that I am able to see the good in life, the good in my friends and I have never faltered on finding joy for others and their successes. I'm a cheerleader, a really big boned cheerleader for the world who is struggling to find a hoorah.
My TGIF for today is to myself, for finding the courage to come to work after a hallacious week and for taking a small step forward to that woman I use to be. She is surely not lost, she is just a bit cloudy.
"When it looked like the sun wasn't gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds." Dr. Maya Angelou
Yesterday my BFF Susan was reminding me of how every goal I have wanted I have achieved. We've known each other for many years. She and I met while I worked at the Westin hotel and I was finishing up at the UW. She has watched me graduate, conquer weight loss and fitness goals of 1/2 marathons and triathlons and truly test myself to the maximum by allowing myself to find the courage to date which ultimately allowed me to meet and marry the most incredible man. Since we have been married though I have had a secret underlying fear of infertility. I have known that I have PCOS and that this is the leading cause of infertility. Being that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would find the courage to allow someone to love me, I was not worried about the pregnancy thing. My marriage is wonderful, but this fear of infertility is robbing it of the joy that was once there.
Today I found myself reading a book that I have had on my shelf for quite some time. It is a book about one's emotions and how much of a prisoner we are within ourselves. I've combated years of not feeling worthy, regardless of the relentless pursuit I put towards things. I'm a 100% or nothing kind of lady. This is not life though, this is a death sentence as I can not be perfect all the time. The quote that really stuck out for me was referring to emotional freedom and how we can view our emotions and the stronghold they have on us. "To make this a reality (emotional freedom) you must begin to see each event of your life, uplifting or hurtful, earthshaking or mundane, as a chance to grow stronger, smarter, more light-bearing. But here's where many of us hit a wall. We're ashamed of feeling afraid, inadequate, lonely, as if we've failed or done something wrong. No matter what you've experienced, there is always hope for change and healing. It's a miracle within reach. Don't be afraid to want it."
For some reason that is just resonating with me. I'm so angered and feel robbed by infertility and the medications I need to combat that problem. I'm afraid all the time. I'm pushing my fear and sadness down with foods that do more harm than good. I've lost that spirit within myself that is always a show stopper (I'm great in a crowd). I have gratitude though that I am able to see the good in life, the good in my friends and I have never faltered on finding joy for others and their successes. I'm a cheerleader, a really big boned cheerleader for the world who is struggling to find a hoorah.
My TGIF for today is to myself, for finding the courage to come to work after a hallacious week and for taking a small step forward to that woman I use to be. She is surely not lost, she is just a bit cloudy.
"When it looked like the sun wasn't gonna shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds." Dr. Maya Angelou
When life hands you lemons...
This past week, actually couple of weeks have been difficult. My left ovary has been the only one that has really done anything...produced a large enough follicle with the potential to ovulate. This past month I did not ovulate, but I have been crampy and really uncomfortable at times. I finally decided to face the music and had an ultrasound today that confirmed my suspicions...a cyst larger than a lemon in my left ovary. Damn it! I'm frustrated as it stops the TTC for as long as it is there and it gets in the way of my exercise. My trainer is really frustrated with me and this is just another log on the fire of excuses that is flaming out of control. I was so proud of myself this past week-end as I was feeling optimistic about getting control of my body, and hopefully my mind and my emotions.
I remember when I first started writing this blog. I was going to talk about my life and what is rambling inside this brain of mind. In no way did I think this crap I've been talking about for the past 6 months was going to be part of my vocabulary. I felt so sad today when I called Kent and told him about the cyst and how everything is on hold until it goes away. I feel bad that I am the one with problems. It is humbling at times and it is also a slap in the face. I'm doing my best to take everything one day at a time. Knowing that I have the next 6 weeks off from TTC and that I will be drug free is a pleasant thought. I plan to take this time off to my advantage. I'm embarrassed at how much weight I have gained...25 pounds. It is so hard for me to lose weight and to know that I have just slid further and further every month is so sad. Today is not about a pity party, it more of a very rude awakening.
I remember when I first started writing this blog. I was going to talk about my life and what is rambling inside this brain of mind. In no way did I think this crap I've been talking about for the past 6 months was going to be part of my vocabulary. I felt so sad today when I called Kent and told him about the cyst and how everything is on hold until it goes away. I feel bad that I am the one with problems. It is humbling at times and it is also a slap in the face. I'm doing my best to take everything one day at a time. Knowing that I have the next 6 weeks off from TTC and that I will be drug free is a pleasant thought. I plan to take this time off to my advantage. I'm embarrassed at how much weight I have gained...25 pounds. It is so hard for me to lose weight and to know that I have just slid further and further every month is so sad. Today is not about a pity party, it more of a very rude awakening.
Struggling
This week I am struggling beyond belief. I'm so up and down right now that I can barely handle it. It is strictly a mood thing, an inability to control my moods. I'm crying, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm pissed, I'm every once in awhile elated with joy. The problem though is I feel like a time bomb, never knowing what is going to come out of my mouth or through my body language. Here's what really upsets me, I'm not upset right now about anything. Of course I would like to be pregnant but I understand this is going to take some time and I am in good hands. I'm ready to embark on a new eating plan that was given to me by my new nutritionist. I'm looking forward to the holidays and spending time with Kent, friends and family. I love my holiday decorations and the fun events we have planned. I'm pissed right now that I'm not able to enjoy it because of some drug I took 3 weeks ago. I've wondered if because I didn't ovulate it has made my hormonal surges even more.
Here's a TGIF for my husband and co-workers who are doing their best to put up with me!
Here's a TGIF for my husband and co-workers who are doing their best to put up with me!
Positve direction
Happy Monday. I'm super sick right now, but I see the end is near and a few new positive hopes in our sights. This past week I went to a nutritionist with the hopes that I could get some new information to help me combat these 20 (jesus christ) pounds that I have put on this year. One hour later, probably $200 out the door, I learned something that I needed to discover this way...I am pretty damn smart when it comes to nutrition and my body. This doesn't mean that I am always making the right decisions, but I literally left this hour long consultation with nothing. Who in the hell doesn't know that a balanced snack like a string cheese and 5 almonds is a good idea. I left pissed and on the next hunt. A few days later, I totally scored. Through two different doctors I was able to get in touch with a nutritionist who lives in Arizona and her speciality is PCOS; not just a little dabble here and there; her passion is PCOS and helping women through the difficulties that come with this. I am jacked! Honestly, I think this is seriously good news. She gets the insulin component and she will help me with weekly meetings. I'm having my first conference call with her on Wed. I know that only a few people read this blog, but for any PCOS peeps out there she has a blog www.incyst.com.
Today Kent and I also had a follow-up with the RE that I immediately scheduled after finding out we failed this cycle in ovulating. 5 minutes into the conversation I felt my shoulders relax and my tummy calmed down. He apologized for the ARNP making such an off the cuff statement about IVF being our next step. He helped us understand that normally you have 4 successful clomid ovulation cycles and if there is no pregnancy then we move on to another pill, Femera, before we begin injections. IVF and other invasive tests and surgeries are in the far future for now. I am just an almost too be 35 year old woman with PCOS, I just don't ovulate. Everything else looks good so we will continue down this route. When ever my period shows up we will up our cycle of clomid to 150mg (shit) and we will try this two more times. He also didn't think we needed to do the IUI as Kent's junk is awesome. For my peace of mind and a mere $400 I would rather do IUI as it gives us just a little better shot. Oh..and he took me off Metformin! Thank you baby Jesus as my tummy is forever grateful.
So these next few weeks are going to be about relaxing, celebrating with friends and family over the holiday season and beginning a positive journey back into weight loss and taking care of myself. This is the best gift I can give myself right now (that still doesn't mean I don't want that beautiful Navy handbag Kent..hint hint hint). This past week-end we enjoyed our annual "Cousin" holiday dinner with one of Kent's few relatives, his cousin Brian and wife Liz. Our outing included drinks, dinner, drinks, carousel ride, drinks, more drinks and a nightcap of drinks. Hey...I'm not pregnant yet, so let the holidays be merry and bright!
Today Kent and I also had a follow-up with the RE that I immediately scheduled after finding out we failed this cycle in ovulating. 5 minutes into the conversation I felt my shoulders relax and my tummy calmed down. He apologized for the ARNP making such an off the cuff statement about IVF being our next step. He helped us understand that normally you have 4 successful clomid ovulation cycles and if there is no pregnancy then we move on to another pill, Femera, before we begin injections. IVF and other invasive tests and surgeries are in the far future for now. I am just an almost too be 35 year old woman with PCOS, I just don't ovulate. Everything else looks good so we will continue down this route. When ever my period shows up we will up our cycle of clomid to 150mg (shit) and we will try this two more times. He also didn't think we needed to do the IUI as Kent's junk is awesome. For my peace of mind and a mere $400 I would rather do IUI as it gives us just a little better shot. Oh..and he took me off Metformin! Thank you baby Jesus as my tummy is forever grateful.
So these next few weeks are going to be about relaxing, celebrating with friends and family over the holiday season and beginning a positive journey back into weight loss and taking care of myself. This is the best gift I can give myself right now (that still doesn't mean I don't want that beautiful Navy handbag Kent..hint hint hint). This past week-end we enjoyed our annual "Cousin" holiday dinner with one of Kent's few relatives, his cousin Brian and wife Liz. Our outing included drinks, dinner, drinks, carousel ride, drinks, more drinks and a nightcap of drinks. Hey...I'm not pregnant yet, so let the holidays be merry and bright!
Unknown Caller
While Kent and I were in Las Vegas for the U2 concert I had many moments that grabbed me and stuck with me. One particular moment was during their song Unknown Caller. There was something about being outdoors, squished into this stadium and having this amazingly large 360 degree screen above my head showing some of these lyrics. Unknown Caller is this really great song on their newest album that I just love. For some reason, this song has stayed with me and is almost on a constant repeat in my mind. Here are a few of the lyrics:
I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all
Go, shout it out, rise up
Oh, oh
Escape yourself and gravity
Hear me, cease to speak that I may speak
Shush now
Oh, oh
Force quit and move to trash
I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
The part of the lyrics that has stayed with me is:
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
On Saturday morning this song was playing in my head as the ultra sound technician told me that my eggs were no larger than a 10. Over and over the lyrics played. Kent and I went home and I tried to take a nap. As I closed my eyes I saw the calendar moving rapidly and started realizing that if we are not pregnant in the next few months, we won't have a baby in 2010. Over and over the lyrics played. Today the 2nd ultrasound showed no growth, even though I had been crampy for the past week. The ARNP told me one more dose of clomid, this time they would try 150mg. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind.
Then I did what I probably shouldn't have. I asked her what happens after this next dose if we don't get pregnant. She took the bait and said IVF. I was startled as I thought that would be the last thing she would tell me. What about all of the injectibles drugs I have heard about, something stronger than clomid. How do I go from something that costs me $800 a month to a procedure that is upwards of $15,000? This seems like telling an overweight person to give up Soda and if they don't reach their goal weight, well than have gastric bypass. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind. Then the tears started, the silent type that just roll down your face. The ARNP became uncomfortable for obvious reasons and then she touched my shoulder and said that it was awkward to see me in the elevator and at Starbucks all the time because she knows how hard we are trying. No shit. I ride up or down the elevator daily with someone from this clinic; just this morning I had the pleasure of riding up with the RE I see. It's either this staff or some pregnant woman.
I feel numb right now. In April my goal was to get pregnant by October so that my baby's first concert would be a U2 show. It is now December and I am meeting with the RE on Monday to make a game plan, one that involves plans I was never prepared for, like IVF. Having PCOS makes pregnancy all together difficult. Once a woman becomes pregnant there is a multitude of higher risks that she faces, like a miscarriage rate of upwards to 30-40%. Many months ago I told myself that I wasn't going to go down the IVF route. I couldn't risk $15,000 a time and potentially lose the baby. I was going to go the adoption route. This decision is something that I figured Kent and I would be forced to deal with in 2011. Like a YEAR from now. We will get through this, somehow we will get through it.
On another side note, my Thanksgiving went well. I made some kick ass recipes. Kent also made me a winter wonderland on our porch with real garland and lights. I love my 7 foot Christmas tree and all of the beautiful ornaments we have bought together. I am having a hard time recognizing the joy of December and the holidays, particularly since I know we are in a tough situation. I am probably going to need to tell my parents, who I don't share very much with. We are a family who does not share. We love each other etc, but we don't share deep, personal things. We don't even use the "L" word.
I just returned from seeing my trainer and I feel better and motivated. I hope anyone out there who is going through the same thing is having more success than I am this month. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all
Go, shout it out, rise up
Oh, oh
Escape yourself and gravity
Hear me, cease to speak that I may speak
Shush now
Oh, oh
Force quit and move to trash
I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
The part of the lyrics that has stayed with me is:
Restart and re-boot yourself
You’re free to go
Oh, oh
Shout for joy if you get the chance
Password, you, enter here, right now
On Saturday morning this song was playing in my head as the ultra sound technician told me that my eggs were no larger than a 10. Over and over the lyrics played. Kent and I went home and I tried to take a nap. As I closed my eyes I saw the calendar moving rapidly and started realizing that if we are not pregnant in the next few months, we won't have a baby in 2010. Over and over the lyrics played. Today the 2nd ultrasound showed no growth, even though I had been crampy for the past week. The ARNP told me one more dose of clomid, this time they would try 150mg. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind.
Then I did what I probably shouldn't have. I asked her what happens after this next dose if we don't get pregnant. She took the bait and said IVF. I was startled as I thought that would be the last thing she would tell me. What about all of the injectibles drugs I have heard about, something stronger than clomid. How do I go from something that costs me $800 a month to a procedure that is upwards of $15,000? This seems like telling an overweight person to give up Soda and if they don't reach their goal weight, well than have gastric bypass. Over and over the lyrics played in my mind. Then the tears started, the silent type that just roll down your face. The ARNP became uncomfortable for obvious reasons and then she touched my shoulder and said that it was awkward to see me in the elevator and at Starbucks all the time because she knows how hard we are trying. No shit. I ride up or down the elevator daily with someone from this clinic; just this morning I had the pleasure of riding up with the RE I see. It's either this staff or some pregnant woman.
I feel numb right now. In April my goal was to get pregnant by October so that my baby's first concert would be a U2 show. It is now December and I am meeting with the RE on Monday to make a game plan, one that involves plans I was never prepared for, like IVF. Having PCOS makes pregnancy all together difficult. Once a woman becomes pregnant there is a multitude of higher risks that she faces, like a miscarriage rate of upwards to 30-40%. Many months ago I told myself that I wasn't going to go down the IVF route. I couldn't risk $15,000 a time and potentially lose the baby. I was going to go the adoption route. This decision is something that I figured Kent and I would be forced to deal with in 2011. Like a YEAR from now. We will get through this, somehow we will get through it.
On another side note, my Thanksgiving went well. I made some kick ass recipes. Kent also made me a winter wonderland on our porch with real garland and lights. I love my 7 foot Christmas tree and all of the beautiful ornaments we have bought together. I am having a hard time recognizing the joy of December and the holidays, particularly since I know we are in a tough situation. I am probably going to need to tell my parents, who I don't share very much with. We are a family who does not share. We love each other etc, but we don't share deep, personal things. We don't even use the "L" word.
I just returned from seeing my trainer and I feel better and motivated. I hope anyone out there who is going through the same thing is having more success than I am this month. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
The tears of gratitude
The past few days I have been overcome by emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat. This morning a Folgers holiday commercial set me over the edge. Like sobbing, for an hour with feelings of sadness that my dream of being pregnant in 2009 will more than likely not happen. I did my best to get ready and arrived an hour late for work (good thing I'm the boss). As I enter the elevator 3, yes 3, pregnant women get on with me. We stop off at one of the floors with an OB/GYN clinic on it, two ladies step out, and in a mad commotion a wheel chair flies in with a pregnant woman, her husband and a nurse who are wheeling her to the hospital as her water broke in the office. I explained kindly to them that this elevator was going up, but they were so excited, the husband was on the phone, and I was left in the corner and the stream of tears began again.
On Saturday at 8am I will have an ultrasound to see if any follicles have produced from this round of clomid. With luck we will have an IUI on Sunday morning. I've been diligent about taking my Metformin and I've even found myself saying a few prayers to whoever is listening. I know we have only been trying for 8 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. The holiday traditions of family only elevate my desire to begin my own family.
As I did my best to compose myself at work I decided I needed to make the most of the next few days. I am looking forward to doing the cooking tomorrow and testing out several new recipes. I am still not sure if I will shop on Friday morning as we are not really doing the mad dash present scene this year. Just a few small gifts for everyone. Normally my parents buy my sister and I so many gifts that we literally need to take a break, almost an intermission, during the gift exchange. It will be a nice change this year to try and enjoy one anothers company and not focusing on all of our gifts. Kent and I have also been looking at ways to see our friends this holiday season without spending a fortune.
Here is to hope, gratitude and love for the life I have.
On Saturday at 8am I will have an ultrasound to see if any follicles have produced from this round of clomid. With luck we will have an IUI on Sunday morning. I've been diligent about taking my Metformin and I've even found myself saying a few prayers to whoever is listening. I know we have only been trying for 8 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. The holiday traditions of family only elevate my desire to begin my own family.
As I did my best to compose myself at work I decided I needed to make the most of the next few days. I am looking forward to doing the cooking tomorrow and testing out several new recipes. I am still not sure if I will shop on Friday morning as we are not really doing the mad dash present scene this year. Just a few small gifts for everyone. Normally my parents buy my sister and I so many gifts that we literally need to take a break, almost an intermission, during the gift exchange. It will be a nice change this year to try and enjoy one anothers company and not focusing on all of our gifts. Kent and I have also been looking at ways to see our friends this holiday season without spending a fortune.
Here is to hope, gratitude and love for the life I have.
Taking Care of Myself
This topic came up in my session with a therapist that I have been seeing for some time. There are days that I show up and wonder what we will discuss and today was one of those days. I'm tired of talking about my weight or talking about the question of when I will get pregnant or how my job at times is ridiculous. Today was a good day though because we both sort of looked at these topics and noted what was in my control and what wasn't. Here is some hopeful decisions I have made.
1) Weight. I'm blowing up like a hot-air balloon. I'm embarrassed to admit that I could be a linebacker with the Seattle Seahawks. As I've been increasing my amount of Metformin I have also been increasing my carbs as it is the only thing that helps with the side effects of nausea and crazy bad belly. I'm frustrated as I need to take Metformin, but I also need to lose weight. So I just booked an appointment with a nutritionist to discuss PCOS, insulin resistance and getting pregnant. I have read so many books, but I'm really needing some support and I hope this will help jump start a better relationship with food and my body.
2) Today is my last day of Clomid. Yeah! Then we have an ultrasound on Saturday the 27th and hopefully an IUI on the 28th. All I can control is that I show up at the right time of my appointment and take the appropriate medication. That's it. I can't control if I ovulate, hopefully Clomid will help me with that. I also can't control when I will get pregnant. I'm going to do my best to stop the stressing and to focus on taking care of myself and pregnancy will come one way or another.
3) Holidays. As a child I had a wonderful time with my family and our gigantic extended family. As the years have passed though the holidays are increasingly more stressful and filled with little joy. I am not going to let this happen though to my holiday with Kent. I may struggle when I am with my parents etc, but that doesn't mean that Kent and I can't enjoy our own private holiday time. Kent and I are going to be in a little protective bubble this year during the holidays. I'm staying away from drama and searching out the happiness that is around me. We have many fun things planned including the Seattle Men's Chorus and the Rockettes.
Tonight I plan on hopefully going to the gym and hitting the treadmill. I'm also feeling like a cold is brewing so possibly I will sit on the sofa and watch the office and laugh with my husband. Either way, I'm taking care of myself.
1) Weight. I'm blowing up like a hot-air balloon. I'm embarrassed to admit that I could be a linebacker with the Seattle Seahawks. As I've been increasing my amount of Metformin I have also been increasing my carbs as it is the only thing that helps with the side effects of nausea and crazy bad belly. I'm frustrated as I need to take Metformin, but I also need to lose weight. So I just booked an appointment with a nutritionist to discuss PCOS, insulin resistance and getting pregnant. I have read so many books, but I'm really needing some support and I hope this will help jump start a better relationship with food and my body.
2) Today is my last day of Clomid. Yeah! Then we have an ultrasound on Saturday the 27th and hopefully an IUI on the 28th. All I can control is that I show up at the right time of my appointment and take the appropriate medication. That's it. I can't control if I ovulate, hopefully Clomid will help me with that. I also can't control when I will get pregnant. I'm going to do my best to stop the stressing and to focus on taking care of myself and pregnancy will come one way or another.
3) Holidays. As a child I had a wonderful time with my family and our gigantic extended family. As the years have passed though the holidays are increasingly more stressful and filled with little joy. I am not going to let this happen though to my holiday with Kent. I may struggle when I am with my parents etc, but that doesn't mean that Kent and I can't enjoy our own private holiday time. Kent and I are going to be in a little protective bubble this year during the holidays. I'm staying away from drama and searching out the happiness that is around me. We have many fun things planned including the Seattle Men's Chorus and the Rockettes.
Tonight I plan on hopefully going to the gym and hitting the treadmill. I'm also feeling like a cold is brewing so possibly I will sit on the sofa and watch the office and laugh with my husband. Either way, I'm taking care of myself.
Memories
This past week-end I found myself finally getting around to making our Italy photo album. Even though is has only been 8 months since we were in Italy, it feels like it has been years. The emotions I have felt recently have been unlike any other. The fear, insecurity, stress and sadness I have surrounding TTC has been very difficult on both myself and Kent. While I was looking at our photos all I could see was a couple having a wonderful time together. There was no stress on our faces, there was laughter and excitement in our eyes as we were no longer on BCP and we knew that we were ready to have a family. It wasn't until we returned from Italy and I went to the doctor that next week that things really shifted. It was almost as if this idyllic time we spent together was erased and replaced with cold hard facts of infertility/ovulation problems and an uncertainty that we both have difficulty in accepting.
This past week my mind was focused on acceptance. I have had a very hard time accepting the fact that my body is just wired this way..wired to not ovulate, to produce too much insulin and I need to work the best with what I have. I hate how much this has made me feel inadequate, feel like a failure. I worry about Kent and how he too has to deal with this. He gets the questions too about when we are having kids and he has to go to the appointments and get "prodded" too. He also has to put up with the incredible mood swings that have become a constant. Kent is my shining star that helps me see through this very dark period of time.
Here is a photo from May 2007, our first vacation together to the Jazz Fest in New Orleans. We were stuck in a flash flood, it was amazing.
The boat Kent proposed to me on in Aug 2007, and then drove us to the surprise engagement party.
Here's a photo of us from Sept 2007, High Tea in Victoria, BC. What man joins you for high tea?
A trip to Cabo in Jan 2008, before all of the wedding storm would hit.
Our mini-moon in August 2008
When I look at these photos I have so much happiness. We were happy, like ridiculously happy. We had found one another on a whim on Match.com. I knew so quickly that I was going to marry Kent. This week-end I was forced to take a good look at how I am processing things right now and unfortunately they are pretty negative and skewed. These pictures all have something in common...Kent and I and the life we have due to our choices and abilities. This can remain the same, even through fertility issues. Maybe this is my way of dealing with the pain of each month passing by with negative news.
What I do know though is that Kent and I are still together and better than ever. Sometimes I need to quiet myself and step back before I am able to realize things. Thank you to my husband for the patience and understanding he possesses. I love you Kent.
This past week my mind was focused on acceptance. I have had a very hard time accepting the fact that my body is just wired this way..wired to not ovulate, to produce too much insulin and I need to work the best with what I have. I hate how much this has made me feel inadequate, feel like a failure. I worry about Kent and how he too has to deal with this. He gets the questions too about when we are having kids and he has to go to the appointments and get "prodded" too. He also has to put up with the incredible mood swings that have become a constant. Kent is my shining star that helps me see through this very dark period of time.
Here is a photo from May 2007, our first vacation together to the Jazz Fest in New Orleans. We were stuck in a flash flood, it was amazing.
The boat Kent proposed to me on in Aug 2007, and then drove us to the surprise engagement party.
Here's a photo of us from Sept 2007, High Tea in Victoria, BC. What man joins you for high tea?
A trip to Cabo in Jan 2008, before all of the wedding storm would hit.
Our mini-moon in August 2008
When I look at these photos I have so much happiness. We were happy, like ridiculously happy. We had found one another on a whim on Match.com. I knew so quickly that I was going to marry Kent. This week-end I was forced to take a good look at how I am processing things right now and unfortunately they are pretty negative and skewed. These pictures all have something in common...Kent and I and the life we have due to our choices and abilities. This can remain the same, even through fertility issues. Maybe this is my way of dealing with the pain of each month passing by with negative news.
What I do know though is that Kent and I are still together and better than ever. Sometimes I need to quiet myself and step back before I am able to realize things. Thank you to my husband for the patience and understanding he possesses. I love you Kent.
Moving On
This morning my lady business is officially here and I picked up my prescription for 100mg of Clomid and my HCG shot. This will be our 3rd round of clomid, and if all goes well, we will have an IUI Thanksgiving week-end. While I was holding that RX in my hand my first thought was, well here comes the bitch again. I'm so nasty on this drug and emotional. I roll into my office a few minutes later, turn on the computer and ITUNES and the first shuffled song that BLARES out of my speakers is Elton John's The Bitch is Back. I seriously love my life and the fact that I can see humor in everything.
I'm feeling fine today and I'm focusing on what I have and not what I don't. I am trying to find the holiday spirit and my goal is to spread a little joy and happiness this year. Throughout the years presents have been the top priority of the Christmas season. My family shows their love with gifts and a ton of them. I'm over that though and if I want something, I can just buy it myself. So this year I am thinking about thoughtful ways to spread joy and kindness that are not necessarily wrapped up with a bow. Thank you to everyone for their kindness yesterday.
I'm feeling fine today and I'm focusing on what I have and not what I don't. I am trying to find the holiday spirit and my goal is to spread a little joy and happiness this year. Throughout the years presents have been the top priority of the Christmas season. My family shows their love with gifts and a ton of them. I'm over that though and if I want something, I can just buy it myself. So this year I am thinking about thoughtful ways to spread joy and kindness that are not necessarily wrapped up with a bow. Thank you to everyone for their kindness yesterday.
Wordless Wednesday
I love to look at blogs and see the inner workings of those near and far, strangers and friends. On several blogs I've found there are groups/friends who focus on a task for a day of the week. Tuesday's have been titled Self Portrait Tuesday, where one literally takes a self portrait and posts it. Wednesday's have been titled Wordless Wednesday's. I chose Friday's for myself to be TGIF, which was to focus on Gratitude in my life, and not just the gratefulness of the impending week-end.
I suppose this photo is not actually wordless, but unfortunately it has left me a bit quiet today. What I know though is that life is good and someday I will have a different photo to post.
Here's my first post for Wordless Wednesday.
I suppose this photo is not actually wordless, but unfortunately it has left me a bit quiet today. What I know though is that life is good and someday I will have a different photo to post.
Here's my first post for Wordless Wednesday.
Nervous
Ok, so since I thought I would use this blog as a bit of a journal, here is what I feel like writing...I'm nervous about what the stick is going to say tomorrow. I've done my best not to think about it, but now I'm like...12 more hours!
I hate Clomid, I hate that drug and the fact I need it to get even one follicle to mature. I really don't want to worry about another IUI right after Thanksgiving and the potential no right before Christmas. I know that this is just a fact of life, but I'm ready to no longer learn about the drama of have PCOS and how difficult it is to get pregnant.
There is a part of me who has just fought with this body of mine since I was 5. Always trying to lose weight as I was a giant kid, a giant teenager and through out my adult years I have fluctuated to the extreme. I'm not "giant" right now, but that scale is on a number that I haven't seen for five years. I'm bummed to see that number and how little control I feel right now over my body. My spirits are remaining high though and I appreciate all of the positive feedback from everyone.
I hate Clomid, I hate that drug and the fact I need it to get even one follicle to mature. I really don't want to worry about another IUI right after Thanksgiving and the potential no right before Christmas. I know that this is just a fact of life, but I'm ready to no longer learn about the drama of have PCOS and how difficult it is to get pregnant.
There is a part of me who has just fought with this body of mine since I was 5. Always trying to lose weight as I was a giant kid, a giant teenager and through out my adult years I have fluctuated to the extreme. I'm not "giant" right now, but that scale is on a number that I haven't seen for five years. I'm bummed to see that number and how little control I feel right now over my body. My spirits are remaining high though and I appreciate all of the positive feedback from everyone.
Waiting
Time is a bit of a stand still for Kent and I as we have a day and half until we take a pregnancy test. Only today has this seriously felt like the longest two weeks. Work drags on and on, the days are so dark and dreary. Kent and I have little patience and he has asked me repeatedly why we can't test early. He then references TV commercials and the First Response tests that allow testing 5 days earlier. My first thought is no, the Dr. told me to wait 14 days from IUI. My second thought is that my husband is watching way too much TV. He shouldn't know ads for lady business products.
It's tough when you want to know a secret or if there is a big surprise waiting for you. Sort of like Christmas when you were a kid. I was a mischevious child and use to slit the tape on all of the Christmas gifts under the tree and unwrap them while my parents were at work. It was a bummer Christmas morning, but it was like those wrapped beauties were just calling me while I was watching reruns of the Brady Bunch and eating saltines with butter. Wednesday may not be a gift if we get a negative, but I do know that someday, when I unwrap that stick, I will get exactly what I want.
It's tough when you want to know a secret or if there is a big surprise waiting for you. Sort of like Christmas when you were a kid. I was a mischevious child and use to slit the tape on all of the Christmas gifts under the tree and unwrap them while my parents were at work. It was a bummer Christmas morning, but it was like those wrapped beauties were just calling me while I was watching reruns of the Brady Bunch and eating saltines with butter. Wednesday may not be a gift if we get a negative, but I do know that someday, when I unwrap that stick, I will get exactly what I want.
Tardy for the Party
Truthfully I have no fun parties lined up this week-end but I have so wanted to have that as a title for a post of mine. Today is my TGIF though and I'm grateful on many levels.
1)My BFF Susan and I are having our pigs done (pedicures) and dinner at my house tomorrow night. It is lady time that she and I are long overdo for.
2)Kent and I are working as a total team on our housing and financial situation and where we are headed. Not sure if we are selling our current home or keeping it and coming up with plan B. I'm so happy to have him on my side though as we are figuring out a game plan.
3) I am just about done reading this great book, The End of Overeating by David Kessler MD, and even though it is very dry and scientific in the beginning, I have really been able to see food in a different way. The book focuses on the food industry etc and their use of fat, salt and sugar to make us have insatiable cravings. He talks about ways to combat these and finding a way to focus on food as fuel. So far, so good.
4) I've successfully taken my glucophage 1x a day this past week with very little side effects. I am super excited by this and hopefully next week I will be able to increase the dose and one day I will get up to that 2000mg a day. Right now I can only take 500mg.
5) On Wednesday I will take a pregnancy test. The time has gone by pretty quickly. I actually don't have any feelings right now regarding it. I'm not feeling any different and I know if this time doesn't work, another time will.
Here's to gratitude and Friday's.
1)My BFF Susan and I are having our pigs done (pedicures) and dinner at my house tomorrow night. It is lady time that she and I are long overdo for.
2)Kent and I are working as a total team on our housing and financial situation and where we are headed. Not sure if we are selling our current home or keeping it and coming up with plan B. I'm so happy to have him on my side though as we are figuring out a game plan.
3) I am just about done reading this great book, The End of Overeating by David Kessler MD, and even though it is very dry and scientific in the beginning, I have really been able to see food in a different way. The book focuses on the food industry etc and their use of fat, salt and sugar to make us have insatiable cravings. He talks about ways to combat these and finding a way to focus on food as fuel. So far, so good.
4) I've successfully taken my glucophage 1x a day this past week with very little side effects. I am super excited by this and hopefully next week I will be able to increase the dose and one day I will get up to that 2000mg a day. Right now I can only take 500mg.
5) On Wednesday I will take a pregnancy test. The time has gone by pretty quickly. I actually don't have any feelings right now regarding it. I'm not feeling any different and I know if this time doesn't work, another time will.
Here's to gratitude and Friday's.
U2 Part Deux
Upon returning from Las Vegas I found myself at the RE office and one good follicle. The next morning we went in early and Kent made a deposit, we went and had breakfast and then I returned for our first IUI. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but it was quite simple. As the ARNP was inserting Kent's deposit she told me we should have intercourse at 8:30pm that night. I told her that I was going to be rocking out at the U2 show in Vancouver and that there was probably no "place" to make that happen at 8:30pm. She stared at me with a blank face and all I could think was these "professionals" just can't let up somedays. I have run a medical practice for almost 9 years, and medicine need to have humor in it because sometimes thinking about sadness all day long is not good for you or the patient. Chum it up a bit with your patients if the mood calls for it! Anyways, the IUI happened, I hung out for 20 minutes and we headed off to Canada.
The trip to Canada was simple. We started passing the U2 decorated cars and I felt bummed that my Nissan wasn't tricked out in U2 memorabilia. As we prepared to cross the border we found ourselves waiting for entirely too long. The traffic into Vancouver was awful as well. Here I thought we would have several hours to hang out before the show, but of course, my timing is just never that good. We did arrive at our hotel, The Loden and it was awesome. They upgraded us to the most beautiful suite...living room, dining area, bedroom, amazing bathroom etc. It has a killer view and how I love my heated tile floors. These floors are better than ours though as they are individually controlled on and off, not just when the heat is on. I love heated floors like I love heated seats..even in hot weather!
We had a quick drink and bite to eat in the lobby and took the skytrain to the arena. We were sort of dumb and dumber again not knowing exactly where to go.
How I love clean, cool city transportation!
Honestly though, the entire downtown was sold out for this concert and we were able to again just follow the flow of people. We weren't able to hook up with any of our friends who were going to this show, but we did run into my pretend brother David for a moment during intermission.
What I liked about this show was the fact that we had seats, and I could see the entire stage. I actually missed the general admission crowd and vibe until I could see it from above. I can't believe my 5'2" stature survived Las Vegas, what a mess it looked like from above. Our seats were expensive and worth it. The bummer was the sound was a little weird being bounced off the concrete. I look forward to U2 coming to Seattle in June 2010 as they will be playing at Qwest field, an outdoor stadium. This show is meant to be outside for sure!
During the show I started to feel pretty crampy. Then I worried that "everything" was falling out of my uterus so I quit jumping around as much (yes, I'm a jumper and fist in the air U2 fan). Kent told me to quit worrying about this, but it is hard not to. Who knows if the IUI will take, it is only our first attempt. I am doing my best to stay positive, but the waiting is hard. I have been propelled and somewhat pumped up to get myself in a better place, mind..body...and spirit. I have been motivated by fellow bloggers getting pregnant and personal friends taking better care of themselves. I am back on my glucophage, so of course, I am feeling awful. I have to work through these symptoms and I do know that eventually my body will get more accustomed to the drug. I also cleaned out the fridge and pantry and planned our food for the week. Fitness is a priority and Kent and I are working on clearing our calendars to ensure we get some exercise.
Our 2 adventures were amazing and I love my husband for being my partner in crime.
The trip to Canada was simple. We started passing the U2 decorated cars and I felt bummed that my Nissan wasn't tricked out in U2 memorabilia. As we prepared to cross the border we found ourselves waiting for entirely too long. The traffic into Vancouver was awful as well. Here I thought we would have several hours to hang out before the show, but of course, my timing is just never that good. We did arrive at our hotel, The Loden and it was awesome. They upgraded us to the most beautiful suite...living room, dining area, bedroom, amazing bathroom etc. It has a killer view and how I love my heated tile floors. These floors are better than ours though as they are individually controlled on and off, not just when the heat is on. I love heated floors like I love heated seats..even in hot weather!
We had a quick drink and bite to eat in the lobby and took the skytrain to the arena. We were sort of dumb and dumber again not knowing exactly where to go.
How I love clean, cool city transportation!
Honestly though, the entire downtown was sold out for this concert and we were able to again just follow the flow of people. We weren't able to hook up with any of our friends who were going to this show, but we did run into my pretend brother David for a moment during intermission.
What I liked about this show was the fact that we had seats, and I could see the entire stage. I actually missed the general admission crowd and vibe until I could see it from above. I can't believe my 5'2" stature survived Las Vegas, what a mess it looked like from above. Our seats were expensive and worth it. The bummer was the sound was a little weird being bounced off the concrete. I look forward to U2 coming to Seattle in June 2010 as they will be playing at Qwest field, an outdoor stadium. This show is meant to be outside for sure!
During the show I started to feel pretty crampy. Then I worried that "everything" was falling out of my uterus so I quit jumping around as much (yes, I'm a jumper and fist in the air U2 fan). Kent told me to quit worrying about this, but it is hard not to. Who knows if the IUI will take, it is only our first attempt. I am doing my best to stay positive, but the waiting is hard. I have been propelled and somewhat pumped up to get myself in a better place, mind..body...and spirit. I have been motivated by fellow bloggers getting pregnant and personal friends taking better care of themselves. I am back on my glucophage, so of course, I am feeling awful. I have to work through these symptoms and I do know that eventually my body will get more accustomed to the drug. I also cleaned out the fridge and pantry and planned our food for the week. Fitness is a priority and Kent and I are working on clearing our calendars to ensure we get some exercise.
Our 2 adventures were amazing and I love my husband for being my partner in crime.
Vegas Baby...U2 part 1
What a whirl wind I have been on. Still feeling like I am spinning a bit, but it has been a fabulous journey. I was bummed that my eggs were still little and we weren't able to do IUI before our Vegas trip but it was probably for the better as we were up late, drank, ate like vulchers and had a great time. We struggled a bit getting from the airport in Vegas to the hotel. It took almost an hour to get our rental car and then another hour to get down the strip and to our hotel, The Venetian. I started getting really ancy and excited. The people in front of us at the Avis rental desk were going to the show and when we were in the car the radio stations were all talking about the show.
I was really getting frustrated by time we checked into the hotel as I wanted to have ample time to relax and prepare for my boys. There was no time to prepare. We literally checked in, changed clothes and inhaled a sandwich at the hotel. Panic started to set in as we were leaving The Venetian as the AARP conference was just getting out. All I could see was a line a mile long to exit the hotel garage. My mind was pushed back to work in Seattle where I am always trapped behind some "blue haired" lady who drives 2mph in our garage. Probably the smartest thing I did on this trip was rent a car for the night to take us to the UNLV stadium. I started realizing that it was about 15 miles outside of Las Vegas and we might have a problem with getting a cab after the show. I did hear that it took some people 2 hours and $200 to get back (bad karma on the taxi drivers).
We started towards the stadium and struggled with the directions. I love the amazing race so I quickly switched into the mode of stranded tourist looking for my next clue box. I noticed all of the town cars and limos heading in one direction, so we followed and lucked out. We arrived about 15 minutes before the Black Eyed Peas started. The weather was about 70 degrees, no clouds in the sky and it felt magical. The stage, the sound, the vibe, it was honestly perfect. We had general admission tickets and did our best to get as close as we could. My friend Lucy and her sisters stood in line at 10am to get into the inner circle of the stage. Her photos are amazing and fill me with jealousy. My husband loves me, but he doesn't love me enough to stand in line for 8 hours just to get a wrist band and wait another 4 hours for U2 to go on.
Do I look excited?
When the Black Eyed Peas played I was sort of surprised by my knowledge of their tunes. Like, I knew the lyrics, almost all of them. I know they are popular, but this aging brain of mine is warped a bit by the music "the kids" listen to. They were seriously fun and Kent and I probably looked at each other for the next two weeks and sang Boom Boom Pow, gotta get that boom boom boom any chance we could. As they played their last song the crowd started getting crazy. Piling in and driving themselves towards the stage. My 5'2" stature proved to not be the winning height as I barely could see anything except the guys neck in front of me.
Hard to tell, but we were pretty close. Can you see the little image of Bono?
My boys would not disappoint though as their stage had the biggest screen that was 360 degrees and I was able to see everything. When the band came on it was a weird feeling, sort of like, am I here, is this really happening. I was jumping up and down and felt free for the first time in a long time. I've been emotionally bogged down for awhile with weight gain and no pregnancy. This U2 show sort of jump started me back into my old self.
The show was amazing. Like honestly, I probably cried 5x. I am an emotional wreck from the clomid and you tack on my favorite band since 1987 (holy shit I am getting old) and there is bound to be some emotions. I loved how my husband endured my stress about getting the tickets, flying to Las Vegas and putting up with 40,000 other super fans. The show could not have been better. I knew within two guitar strums by The Edge what the next song was and the superfan in front of me would high five me with delight. The only downer was feeling like I was going to be crushed at any point and the fact that you couldn't leave to get something to drink or use the bathroom. Oh, unless you have a penis as the boys in front of me proceeded to pee into water bottles during the show. I thought they were smoking marijuana (I crack myself up), as they were acting so shady and covering one another, but nope, they were urinating. Nothing like bottles of piss around your legs to put a nervous damper on the evening. What if in one of my fits of fandom I jumped on the bottle and urine was sent flying everywhere? Lucky for us, that didn't happen.
See the bottle that looks like Mt. Dew...that's NOT Mt. Dew!
After the show we left and had a very very late dinner. We gambled a bit and went to bed. Our suite was fabulous and a king sized bed awaited us, hallelujah. Oh, I can not wait to move so that we may get the luxurious king sized bed we are so craving. The following day we woke up super late and went to find something to eat at 1:00pm. We were both starving and sort of out of it. We walked around the Venetian and pretended like we were still in Italy. Does this look like the Grand Canale (not really) but we did stumble upon Mario Battali's restaurant B & B Ristorante.
Oh it was so yummy. Here is a picture of our starter cheese course.
I thought I had died and gone to heaven...truffled honey and the best blue cheese I've ever had. Brandy marinated cherries and goat cheese, I'm hungry just thinking about it. Once we finished eating we walked around to some of the other hotels and then sat outside at Mandalay Bay and had over priced cocktails. I was trying to look trendy but really, a pony tail doesn't get you far.
I was fortunate enough to hook up with best friend from childhood, Lucy. She came to the Venetian to chat with us for about 45 minutes and it was great to catch up. Lucy and I use to sit in my basement in Helena MT and blast U2 and Bon Jovi. We were in the 6th grade and preparing ourselves for the next jaunt= Junior High. We would make coffee cake, drink diet Pepsi from a bottle, sun tan and rock out to my dads incredible sound system. The speakers were those super old (but not then) giant beasts that were like 4 feet tall. The bass would shake the house and stress out my dog. It was awesome. Seeing Lucy and her sisters just walked me down memory lane. I didn't have my camera so I am snatching one from her blog. Thanks Loose!
After we chatted with Lucy we headed over to Caesar's Palace to see Bette Midler. Again, how awesome is my husband to sit in a venue with Bette's fans...as she calls them, the Gay's, the Jews and the old hippies. The show was hilarious. I loved how many times she made fun of Celine Dion and Cher and the rest of the city. She gets it, she is a total performer and was worth every cent. We stayed at Ceasars to eat at Bobby Flay's restaurant Mesa Grill. My husband is not a dare devil with food but I felt like he should have earned a gold star for ordering the duck taco! Woo hoo to Kent, the man who only eats 4 vegetables. After our late night dinner we left the show and sort of walked around to the various casinos. Vegas is so deceiving and gigantic. You think something is a block away, but it is like a mile. My dogs were barking constantly so we returned to our hotel and chilled out there.
Sunday morning I woke up before Kent and read a little. Then I watched some TV and I finally pitched a fit as I wanted to get up for our breakfast at Bouchon. We discovered Bouchon in Yountville on our mini-moon and haven't forgot it. We showered and got dressed and were thrilled to sit outside. I should have taken photos, but I didn't.
We started with their pastry basket as they honestly have the most amazing pastry chefs. What arrived was not a basket, it was an honest to god platter and we devoured it. I had a croque madame and Kent had waffles with bananas and pecans. OH..we were stuffed but happy. We ventured to the pool but there was no way I was going to get into a swim suit. So we walked to other hotels and lost more money. I am lucky in love, but by no means am I lucky with gambling. On one incident I put my money voucher in the $1.00 machine, hit my bet and watched myself lose $40.00 in 3 seconds. I am no high roller, I like my penny machines where I bid high (a whopping 2 dollars). I seriously screamed when I saw $40.00 leave my credits and felt defeated. I laugh about it now as the game I played was called Keeping Up With The Joneses. Well apparently that wasn't going to happen in Vegas. The rest of the day we hung out and then met Kent's cousin and her family for dinner. We had a nice time and it was good to meet some of Kent's family, as he has so little. Plus their son cracked me up. He was like this very mature 12 year old, like almost too mature. Nothing like a 12 year old kid looking at you and saying things like, "this is the best chicken Parmesan I have ever had" or his quizzing on "what types of shows have you seen while you are in town?" I honestly thought he might pull out a pipe at one point and start smoking and order a scotch on the rocks.
Monday we found ourselves packing and returning to dreary wet Seattle. Vegas is this really weird place. Like I'm not quite wealthy enough, not skinny enough but I'm definitely not on the trashier end either. I think it is what you make of it. We enjoyed the chill out time we had together, seeing my friend and my boys. It was worth every stupid penny I lost! Which by the way we did win some of our lost money back at the airport because how can you sit and watch CNN when Wheel of Fortune is beckoning your call.
I was really getting frustrated by time we checked into the hotel as I wanted to have ample time to relax and prepare for my boys. There was no time to prepare. We literally checked in, changed clothes and inhaled a sandwich at the hotel. Panic started to set in as we were leaving The Venetian as the AARP conference was just getting out. All I could see was a line a mile long to exit the hotel garage. My mind was pushed back to work in Seattle where I am always trapped behind some "blue haired" lady who drives 2mph in our garage. Probably the smartest thing I did on this trip was rent a car for the night to take us to the UNLV stadium. I started realizing that it was about 15 miles outside of Las Vegas and we might have a problem with getting a cab after the show. I did hear that it took some people 2 hours and $200 to get back (bad karma on the taxi drivers).
We started towards the stadium and struggled with the directions. I love the amazing race so I quickly switched into the mode of stranded tourist looking for my next clue box. I noticed all of the town cars and limos heading in one direction, so we followed and lucked out. We arrived about 15 minutes before the Black Eyed Peas started. The weather was about 70 degrees, no clouds in the sky and it felt magical. The stage, the sound, the vibe, it was honestly perfect. We had general admission tickets and did our best to get as close as we could. My friend Lucy and her sisters stood in line at 10am to get into the inner circle of the stage. Her photos are amazing and fill me with jealousy. My husband loves me, but he doesn't love me enough to stand in line for 8 hours just to get a wrist band and wait another 4 hours for U2 to go on.
Do I look excited?
When the Black Eyed Peas played I was sort of surprised by my knowledge of their tunes. Like, I knew the lyrics, almost all of them. I know they are popular, but this aging brain of mine is warped a bit by the music "the kids" listen to. They were seriously fun and Kent and I probably looked at each other for the next two weeks and sang Boom Boom Pow, gotta get that boom boom boom any chance we could. As they played their last song the crowd started getting crazy. Piling in and driving themselves towards the stage. My 5'2" stature proved to not be the winning height as I barely could see anything except the guys neck in front of me.
Hard to tell, but we were pretty close. Can you see the little image of Bono?
My boys would not disappoint though as their stage had the biggest screen that was 360 degrees and I was able to see everything. When the band came on it was a weird feeling, sort of like, am I here, is this really happening. I was jumping up and down and felt free for the first time in a long time. I've been emotionally bogged down for awhile with weight gain and no pregnancy. This U2 show sort of jump started me back into my old self.
The show was amazing. Like honestly, I probably cried 5x. I am an emotional wreck from the clomid and you tack on my favorite band since 1987 (holy shit I am getting old) and there is bound to be some emotions. I loved how my husband endured my stress about getting the tickets, flying to Las Vegas and putting up with 40,000 other super fans. The show could not have been better. I knew within two guitar strums by The Edge what the next song was and the superfan in front of me would high five me with delight. The only downer was feeling like I was going to be crushed at any point and the fact that you couldn't leave to get something to drink or use the bathroom. Oh, unless you have a penis as the boys in front of me proceeded to pee into water bottles during the show. I thought they were smoking marijuana (I crack myself up), as they were acting so shady and covering one another, but nope, they were urinating. Nothing like bottles of piss around your legs to put a nervous damper on the evening. What if in one of my fits of fandom I jumped on the bottle and urine was sent flying everywhere? Lucky for us, that didn't happen.
See the bottle that looks like Mt. Dew...that's NOT Mt. Dew!
After the show we left and had a very very late dinner. We gambled a bit and went to bed. Our suite was fabulous and a king sized bed awaited us, hallelujah. Oh, I can not wait to move so that we may get the luxurious king sized bed we are so craving. The following day we woke up super late and went to find something to eat at 1:00pm. We were both starving and sort of out of it. We walked around the Venetian and pretended like we were still in Italy. Does this look like the Grand Canale (not really) but we did stumble upon Mario Battali's restaurant B & B Ristorante.
Oh it was so yummy. Here is a picture of our starter cheese course.
I thought I had died and gone to heaven...truffled honey and the best blue cheese I've ever had. Brandy marinated cherries and goat cheese, I'm hungry just thinking about it. Once we finished eating we walked around to some of the other hotels and then sat outside at Mandalay Bay and had over priced cocktails. I was trying to look trendy but really, a pony tail doesn't get you far.
I was fortunate enough to hook up with best friend from childhood, Lucy. She came to the Venetian to chat with us for about 45 minutes and it was great to catch up. Lucy and I use to sit in my basement in Helena MT and blast U2 and Bon Jovi. We were in the 6th grade and preparing ourselves for the next jaunt= Junior High. We would make coffee cake, drink diet Pepsi from a bottle, sun tan and rock out to my dads incredible sound system. The speakers were those super old (but not then) giant beasts that were like 4 feet tall. The bass would shake the house and stress out my dog. It was awesome. Seeing Lucy and her sisters just walked me down memory lane. I didn't have my camera so I am snatching one from her blog. Thanks Loose!
After we chatted with Lucy we headed over to Caesar's Palace to see Bette Midler. Again, how awesome is my husband to sit in a venue with Bette's fans...as she calls them, the Gay's, the Jews and the old hippies. The show was hilarious. I loved how many times she made fun of Celine Dion and Cher and the rest of the city. She gets it, she is a total performer and was worth every cent. We stayed at Ceasars to eat at Bobby Flay's restaurant Mesa Grill. My husband is not a dare devil with food but I felt like he should have earned a gold star for ordering the duck taco! Woo hoo to Kent, the man who only eats 4 vegetables. After our late night dinner we left the show and sort of walked around to the various casinos. Vegas is so deceiving and gigantic. You think something is a block away, but it is like a mile. My dogs were barking constantly so we returned to our hotel and chilled out there.
Sunday morning I woke up before Kent and read a little. Then I watched some TV and I finally pitched a fit as I wanted to get up for our breakfast at Bouchon. We discovered Bouchon in Yountville on our mini-moon and haven't forgot it. We showered and got dressed and were thrilled to sit outside. I should have taken photos, but I didn't.
We started with their pastry basket as they honestly have the most amazing pastry chefs. What arrived was not a basket, it was an honest to god platter and we devoured it. I had a croque madame and Kent had waffles with bananas and pecans. OH..we were stuffed but happy. We ventured to the pool but there was no way I was going to get into a swim suit. So we walked to other hotels and lost more money. I am lucky in love, but by no means am I lucky with gambling. On one incident I put my money voucher in the $1.00 machine, hit my bet and watched myself lose $40.00 in 3 seconds. I am no high roller, I like my penny machines where I bid high (a whopping 2 dollars). I seriously screamed when I saw $40.00 leave my credits and felt defeated. I laugh about it now as the game I played was called Keeping Up With The Joneses. Well apparently that wasn't going to happen in Vegas. The rest of the day we hung out and then met Kent's cousin and her family for dinner. We had a nice time and it was good to meet some of Kent's family, as he has so little. Plus their son cracked me up. He was like this very mature 12 year old, like almost too mature. Nothing like a 12 year old kid looking at you and saying things like, "this is the best chicken Parmesan I have ever had" or his quizzing on "what types of shows have you seen while you are in town?" I honestly thought he might pull out a pipe at one point and start smoking and order a scotch on the rocks.
Monday we found ourselves packing and returning to dreary wet Seattle. Vegas is this really weird place. Like I'm not quite wealthy enough, not skinny enough but I'm definitely not on the trashier end either. I think it is what you make of it. We enjoyed the chill out time we had together, seeing my friend and my boys. It was worth every stupid penny I lost! Which by the way we did win some of our lost money back at the airport because how can you sit and watch CNN when Wheel of Fortune is beckoning your call.
Just a quickie...
I am still on my Las Vegas high from seeing U2. Tomorrow we leave for Vancouver to see them again. I will blog more about the above as it is so worthy of my time and to keep it in the record books. I will say that while we were in Vegas my left side kept hurting and aching. This morning I had an ultrasound and it showed one big follicle in the left ovary (go lefty..again the only one that produces). I took my HCG shot and tomorrow we will have our first IUI. I am a bit anxious about the procedure, but it sounds simple. Here's to IUI and U2.
You gotta know when to hold em...
Right now I feel like Kenny Rogers with a hand of b*llsh*t cards. I'm not ready to fold 'em yet, but I am totally bummed out. I just returned from my ultrasound and the eggs are little. Nothing bigger than an 11. They would like to see me over the week-end for another ultrasound and injection, but I won't be here. I'll be rocking, drinking and smoking myself into an oblivion in sin city (not actually...but I feel like taking that path right now). I sat in the waiting room of the RE's office talking to Kent and debating if we should change our flight and come back early on Monday with the hope a big egg is just hanging out and waiting for a dose of hormones to push itself out. I contemplated that, but you know, this is just the way the cards fall sometimes. I have been waiting for this concert and week-end for 7 months. 7 months ago my life was awesome. I spent almost 3 weeks in Italy with my fabulous husband and had no clue about my stupid ovaries. 7 months ago I was so jacked for this concert and I am not going to let today's ultrasound ruin that.
Am I going to sit in my office right now and cry, you bet. Am I going to get on that airplane tomorrow and rock out, yep. Am I going to get another pair of Louboutin's to make me feel better this week-end (only if Kent isn't around). (-:
It's a gamble this week-end that I am willing to ride out. Since I didn't hit the ovary jackpot today that will only ensure my good luck this week-end when I find my kick ass fun Wheel of Fortune Game. The mood I am in now though...I might just head straight to the tables (once I figure out how to play those games).
Am I going to sit in my office right now and cry, you bet. Am I going to get on that airplane tomorrow and rock out, yep. Am I going to get another pair of Louboutin's to make me feel better this week-end (only if Kent isn't around). (-:
It's a gamble this week-end that I am willing to ride out. Since I didn't hit the ovary jackpot today that will only ensure my good luck this week-end when I find my kick ass fun Wheel of Fortune Game. The mood I am in now though...I might just head straight to the tables (once I figure out how to play those games).
Busy mind
I woke up today super tired. I called work and told them I was coming in later. I went back to bed but the cat kept touching my face. He rarely bothers me while I am sleeping because Stoney, the cat, and Kent have a freaky bond and they snuggle like a couple all night long. Stoney is 15 and Kent rescued him from a crazy tenant he once had who couldn't pay rent and tried to sell Stoney to some stoner dude who lived in a van. Kent wouldn't have it, took the cat and named him Stoney. I do love that cat, but it has taken time. I had to give the love of my life away, Frank Tex Kelley, when I decided to move in with Kent. I remember when Kent asked me late one night while we were falling asleep if I wanted to move in with him. My heart raced, I was like, holy crap this is the real deal. We had been dating 6 months, but from the moment we started dating we were inseparable. I was excited by the idea of living together, but I knew that Frank and Stoney would not get along. So Frank Kelley had to move to my parents house, and even though is has been over 3 years, I still miss him terribly.
The first week I had him! So Cute!
Frank will always be my first baby. I dressed him up as much as I could.
What I loved the most about Frank was how he would greet me at the door and sit in my lap. He was like having a kid. I would take him to the vet, he needed regular hair cuts, he had his own photo album, bed, and drawer full of clothes and toys. During holiday times he had a Halloween costume and I would take him to see Santa Paws. When we would walk around the neighborhood people would stop and chat with me and they always remembered Frank's name, not necessarily mine.
It probably seems odd to compare Frank to my future kids, but they really are quite similar. Frank and I needed one another. He kept me company before Kent came into my life and I showered him with love. We are still buddies and I get to see him monthly. My parents give me updates on him and when he gets a haircut, they send me a text message and a photo. Frank was the best and totally has me ready and wanting to be a real mom.
Last night I was telling Kent about how we need to keep soda and candy out of the house when the kids come. Kent and I both struggle with our weight and our hope is that our kids will not have the same issues. Tomorrow I am going to the RE to have an ultrasound. It will be day 12 and we will see if Clomid helped on any of these eggs. I haven't had the cramping I did last month, so I am concerned that it may not have worked. I am excited to be going away this week-end, but I really, really wanted to have IUI and it seems like such a long shot. This month may not work out right. I will do my best to not get discouraged, but it feels like the days move SO slowly sometimes. I'm a bit of a prisoner with my lady business cycle and I hate it.
My mind has been very busy these past few days. Bogged down by kind of BS with acquaintances in my life who show up and then disappear. I wonder if I've done something, but life is just this way at times. I'm a peacekeeper who has given up her duties and is now feeling like a fighter/survivor in this fertility war. I'm embarrassed to already be feeling this way as we have only been trying for 8 months. I worry about what lies ahead for us though and this is what brings out the adrenaline in me.
The first week I had him! So Cute!
Frank will always be my first baby. I dressed him up as much as I could.
What I loved the most about Frank was how he would greet me at the door and sit in my lap. He was like having a kid. I would take him to the vet, he needed regular hair cuts, he had his own photo album, bed, and drawer full of clothes and toys. During holiday times he had a Halloween costume and I would take him to see Santa Paws. When we would walk around the neighborhood people would stop and chat with me and they always remembered Frank's name, not necessarily mine.
It probably seems odd to compare Frank to my future kids, but they really are quite similar. Frank and I needed one another. He kept me company before Kent came into my life and I showered him with love. We are still buddies and I get to see him monthly. My parents give me updates on him and when he gets a haircut, they send me a text message and a photo. Frank was the best and totally has me ready and wanting to be a real mom.
Last night I was telling Kent about how we need to keep soda and candy out of the house when the kids come. Kent and I both struggle with our weight and our hope is that our kids will not have the same issues. Tomorrow I am going to the RE to have an ultrasound. It will be day 12 and we will see if Clomid helped on any of these eggs. I haven't had the cramping I did last month, so I am concerned that it may not have worked. I am excited to be going away this week-end, but I really, really wanted to have IUI and it seems like such a long shot. This month may not work out right. I will do my best to not get discouraged, but it feels like the days move SO slowly sometimes. I'm a bit of a prisoner with my lady business cycle and I hate it.
My mind has been very busy these past few days. Bogged down by kind of BS with acquaintances in my life who show up and then disappear. I wonder if I've done something, but life is just this way at times. I'm a peacekeeper who has given up her duties and is now feeling like a fighter/survivor in this fertility war. I'm embarrassed to already be feeling this way as we have only been trying for 8 months. I worry about what lies ahead for us though and this is what brings out the adrenaline in me.
Feelin' something
I swear, it as if the clouds have lifted (which they haven't...Seattle is grey and cold) and the birds have begun to sing because the moment I am done taking Clomid I am somewhat brought back to my normal personality. I seriously feel so much better. I am totally jacked for Vegas this week-end and the U2 show. I'm already planning my outfit. You would think it is the first day of school and I need to make a good impression with my new digs. The truth...I'm starting to feel REALLY old lately. Like I'm almost 35 and I've had to see what the kids are wearing. My younger co-worker carries a Toki Doki handbag, but that would be like super wrong on me. Plus a slumped over messenger bag on one side of the body only emphasises the hips. I'm opting for my new grey Converse and this navy shirt and jeans. Just hip enough for people to think, that's a cool older chick. But not too over the top that I'm that chick who is totally in denial about her age.
35..I remember when my mom was 35. She had permed hair, a super tan body and she watched Wheel of Fortune. She also had a 12 year old, that would be me. My mom and I have very little in common. I remember being a kid and how old I thought 35 was. It was ancient. I don't even have kids yet and my mom had a 12 year old. My poor future children. I am kick ass fun, don't get me wrong, but when my AARP membership arrives and my future daughters are still selling Girl Scout Cookies, that is not going to be so cool.
Right now though I am just seriously so happy feeling. I have no clue if we will do IUI on Friday. It will be a mad dash Friday morning as my plane leaves at 11:45. I hope the dude next to me doesn't mind my legs in the air to help with the mobility of my husband's deposit. As long as my seat belt is still on, it shouldn't be a problem. Things are good and I'm doing my best to focus on this. I know this will be a totally fun week-end and I'm not going to let fertility drama stand in my way.
35..I remember when my mom was 35. She had permed hair, a super tan body and she watched Wheel of Fortune. She also had a 12 year old, that would be me. My mom and I have very little in common. I remember being a kid and how old I thought 35 was. It was ancient. I don't even have kids yet and my mom had a 12 year old. My poor future children. I am kick ass fun, don't get me wrong, but when my AARP membership arrives and my future daughters are still selling Girl Scout Cookies, that is not going to be so cool.
Right now though I am just seriously so happy feeling. I have no clue if we will do IUI on Friday. It will be a mad dash Friday morning as my plane leaves at 11:45. I hope the dude next to me doesn't mind my legs in the air to help with the mobility of my husband's deposit. As long as my seat belt is still on, it shouldn't be a problem. Things are good and I'm doing my best to focus on this. I know this will be a totally fun week-end and I'm not going to let fertility drama stand in my way.
Down time
Today Kent and I found ourselves with nothing on our agenda. Not a single important task, obligation or function on the calendar. Kent and I are often busy and rarely have down time. When we do find ourselves with nothing going on, we almost become blank and our memories are erased of possibilities. When we are full, it seems there are too many things that we would like to do.
We woke up to the sound of ridiculous rain; pouring rain. The type of rain that floods the streets as the gutters are full of leaves. We decided to make a pork roast and ran to the grocery store "ugly." Which means sweats, teeth brushed but no shower. I call it "ugly" became I don't apply my face, aka makeup. It was some type of anniversary at the grocery store so it was packed. I swear in our neighborhood there are not enough decent grocery stores that aren't ridiculously expensive. So the normal priced one is out of control packed with shoppers who are normal people with budgets. After the grocery store I came home and made blueberry pancakes with some of the blueberries from Kent's 11 pounds he picked. I will never use up all of these blueberries. Next year we are only getting enough berries to fill our hands, no buckets allowed. Once breakfast was over and I cleaned up the house the boredom began.
Kent has been wanting to move for the past 2 years. We love our home, it is just too small. We own a triplex and have decided we are not going to sell it, but keep it and rent out our unit. Our problem is the down payment. We need to have a pretty big chunk to get another place and coming up with that cash has not been that easy. Kent's contracting skills are aching to start a new bathroom, a new kitchen of his dreams. He scours the magazines and Redfin with the eyes of a kid in a candy store. This scouring though with no means of getting his new home leaves a sense of uncertainty and impatience. It sucks when what you really want to do is not an option. It will be an option sooner than later, but finding a way to keep Kent's time occupied will be a challenge. He doesn't watch sports, he doesn't play video games. He has a hobby, it's called building things, and not bird houses.
So now we are finding ourselves at home this evening. Dinner turned out great, we went to Blockbuster (haven't done that in years!) and rented two movies. They are total lady movies and I can't wait. I won the movie war as the new Transformer movie doesn't come out until next week (somehow we missed this in the theatre wink, wink).
Trying to keep the night exciting I made up this cute tray of treats to occupy his time as he is watching a documentary on the journey of making it into the musical A Chorus Line. The movie is called Every Little Step and I am jacked. I've always loved dance movie, Flashdance, Fame etc. A Chorus Line was my favorite. Last year it came to Seattle and Kent was awesome and came with me. I totally cried at it, so ridiculous yes, but you have to love the story of someone chasing their dream. My husband is a good man. Our 5 days of Clomid is over now. Tonight we will sit and I will dream and he will gag over our movie but at least the treats are good..truffle popcorn--YUM!
PS--Look at these beautiful flowers I came home to on Friday. A Chorus Line AND flowers...that's my man!
We woke up to the sound of ridiculous rain; pouring rain. The type of rain that floods the streets as the gutters are full of leaves. We decided to make a pork roast and ran to the grocery store "ugly." Which means sweats, teeth brushed but no shower. I call it "ugly" became I don't apply my face, aka makeup. It was some type of anniversary at the grocery store so it was packed. I swear in our neighborhood there are not enough decent grocery stores that aren't ridiculously expensive. So the normal priced one is out of control packed with shoppers who are normal people with budgets. After the grocery store I came home and made blueberry pancakes with some of the blueberries from Kent's 11 pounds he picked. I will never use up all of these blueberries. Next year we are only getting enough berries to fill our hands, no buckets allowed. Once breakfast was over and I cleaned up the house the boredom began.
Kent has been wanting to move for the past 2 years. We love our home, it is just too small. We own a triplex and have decided we are not going to sell it, but keep it and rent out our unit. Our problem is the down payment. We need to have a pretty big chunk to get another place and coming up with that cash has not been that easy. Kent's contracting skills are aching to start a new bathroom, a new kitchen of his dreams. He scours the magazines and Redfin with the eyes of a kid in a candy store. This scouring though with no means of getting his new home leaves a sense of uncertainty and impatience. It sucks when what you really want to do is not an option. It will be an option sooner than later, but finding a way to keep Kent's time occupied will be a challenge. He doesn't watch sports, he doesn't play video games. He has a hobby, it's called building things, and not bird houses.
So now we are finding ourselves at home this evening. Dinner turned out great, we went to Blockbuster (haven't done that in years!) and rented two movies. They are total lady movies and I can't wait. I won the movie war as the new Transformer movie doesn't come out until next week (somehow we missed this in the theatre wink, wink).
Trying to keep the night exciting I made up this cute tray of treats to occupy his time as he is watching a documentary on the journey of making it into the musical A Chorus Line. The movie is called Every Little Step and I am jacked. I've always loved dance movie, Flashdance, Fame etc. A Chorus Line was my favorite. Last year it came to Seattle and Kent was awesome and came with me. I totally cried at it, so ridiculous yes, but you have to love the story of someone chasing their dream. My husband is a good man. Our 5 days of Clomid is over now. Tonight we will sit and I will dream and he will gag over our movie but at least the treats are good..truffle popcorn--YUM!
PS--Look at these beautiful flowers I came home to on Friday. A Chorus Line AND flowers...that's my man!
I want a new drug...
One that doesn't make me a crazed lunatic and want to rip off everyone's head! Oh, how I shudder to think that I asked them to double my dose. I am so ridiculously irritable. I've tried deep breathing, focusing on the positive, letting drivers cut me off without flipping them off and trying to be sensible that one of our tenants rent checks bounced. I'm like Thomas the Engine right now...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can---be nice. My engine puttered out a few days ago and dropped my butt off on the tracks. Sweet Jesus help me. This nicety nice smile that is plastered on my face is ready to crack. Praise the lord I just had botox to prevent my constant scowl and "WTF" face.
My TGIF today is the fact that I only have 1 more day of Clomid. I also have a relatively quiet week-end ahead of us, which is great, as we rarely do have downtime of the week-end. Hopefully I can find some peace and serenity and my husband will be allowed some ease to be around me.
Amen
My TGIF today is the fact that I only have 1 more day of Clomid. I also have a relatively quiet week-end ahead of us, which is great, as we rarely do have downtime of the week-end. Hopefully I can find some peace and serenity and my husband will be allowed some ease to be around me.
Amen
Shy Flower
I'm in the middle of many things today, but I'm starting to get a little nervous as I have a meeting to go to tonight and I just found out I will not know anyone. Oh, how that inner shy flower of mine comes out in times of uncertainty. I do relatively well in situations when I know a few people, but when I'm the lone person in a room full of strangers, I tend to creep into my shell. Then when I am finally comfortable and my crazy self comes out, people are left scratching their heads and questioning if I have multiple personalities.
So now I am sitting here with butterflies in my belly and thinking of ways to get out of going to my meeting tonight. I just called Kent to ask if I could quit my lady group, like he is my dad or something, and his response was what I expected. These things are uncomfortable, but overtime, they will improve. I haven't really given this a chance yet and it is time that I step out of my box. I'm just a sensitive bunny anymore and retreating to my home with my DVR sounds so much more appealing than coming up with some interesting tid bit to share amongst strangers. I don't dare say what I do for a living, as I then find myself sharing tips on skin care and cosmetic procedures. Is it going to kill me to go tonight, no, so this shy flower will just have to make her way to Belltown tonight armed with my contribution of two bottles of wine and a plethera of life tidbits and witty phrases.
On a totally different subject I am improving significantly with my shyness around medical providers. My business has had so many ultrasounds and exams lately that I literally plop on the table, throw my feet in the car shammy wipe covered feet holders and chill out. The good news is no cysts on the ovaries, bad news is we are upping my clomid to try and produce a follicle on the 12th day. Kent and I are going to Las Vegas to see U2, WOO HOO, but the timing is terrible with my ovulation. So the goal is to somehow get me to ovulate on the 12th day, get my shot and then have insemination the next day, two hours before I leave for Vegas. Now I am not terribly religious, but I did secretly pray that somehow we would be pregnant before the U2 show so that our baby could rock out to my boys. Well that didn't happen, BUT, maybe our future baby will essentially be happening in my belly WHILE we are at the show. Some say seeing a U2 show is a religious experience, almost like seeing God. I'm not going to jump on that band wagon, but if Bono and the boys gets things moving along, I'll take it.
(Kent is going to kill me for this post).
So now I am sitting here with butterflies in my belly and thinking of ways to get out of going to my meeting tonight. I just called Kent to ask if I could quit my lady group, like he is my dad or something, and his response was what I expected. These things are uncomfortable, but overtime, they will improve. I haven't really given this a chance yet and it is time that I step out of my box. I'm just a sensitive bunny anymore and retreating to my home with my DVR sounds so much more appealing than coming up with some interesting tid bit to share amongst strangers. I don't dare say what I do for a living, as I then find myself sharing tips on skin care and cosmetic procedures. Is it going to kill me to go tonight, no, so this shy flower will just have to make her way to Belltown tonight armed with my contribution of two bottles of wine and a plethera of life tidbits and witty phrases.
On a totally different subject I am improving significantly with my shyness around medical providers. My business has had so many ultrasounds and exams lately that I literally plop on the table, throw my feet in the car shammy wipe covered feet holders and chill out. The good news is no cysts on the ovaries, bad news is we are upping my clomid to try and produce a follicle on the 12th day. Kent and I are going to Las Vegas to see U2, WOO HOO, but the timing is terrible with my ovulation. So the goal is to somehow get me to ovulate on the 12th day, get my shot and then have insemination the next day, two hours before I leave for Vegas. Now I am not terribly religious, but I did secretly pray that somehow we would be pregnant before the U2 show so that our baby could rock out to my boys. Well that didn't happen, BUT, maybe our future baby will essentially be happening in my belly WHILE we are at the show. Some say seeing a U2 show is a religious experience, almost like seeing God. I'm not going to jump on that band wagon, but if Bono and the boys gets things moving along, I'll take it.
(Kent is going to kill me for this post).
Apologies and acceptance
Over the years I have learned the value of being honest, of accepting my ways and behaviors and for apologizing when I am wrong or have wronged someone. I'm also working on my acceptance of myself and the love and trust from those around me. In the past few days I have found myself having to both apologize for my actions and finding some acceptance in who I am. Normally I share too much, but today it is not necessary to hash out my apologies to my husband Kent. For once I am going to choose privacy, learn from my mistakes and move on.
I've also been wrangling with this idea that a good friend of mine emailed me about upon reading my blog. I appreciated this friends concern about how I am often writing about my dissatisfaction with my body, my life and how much I focus on the future instead of the here and now. I've always been hard on myself. Growing up I felt the need to please my family by getting good grades, keeping the house clean etc to help make up for the fact that I was very overweight. I don't think I was an embarrassment to my family, but I know at times it really bothered my mom that I was so big. My self worth has always been measured by the size of my body. When I lose weight I find more happiness in myself and generally in my life. When I begin to lose control and overeat I become withdrawn and almost abusive to my body. I stop working out, I overeat and my mental state becomes consumed with negative thoughts about myself and my life. My focus over the past few months has been too geared towards the negative in my life. My insecurities are at an all time high along with my fear about the future. I am stuck on a wheel of fear right now that is constantly spinning me backwards and forwards. I'm consumed by getting pregnant for fear of knowing that having PCOS will make this a challenge. The only thing I can do is to find some faith that things will work out. Somehow I will have a baby. I may not be able to get pregnant, but I will still have a baby.
Tonight and every night I need to find my gratitude again in my life and those in it. This gratitude needs to start from the ground up again as I am really dragging and weighing myself down with all of this negativity and fear. I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that my period was coming and that we were not pregnant. I felt OK with it until I started looking at the calendar and realizing that we will be out of town when my next ovulation will hopefully occur and I won't be able to have IUI. Upon realizing this I went into a pretty dark place for most of Saturday and I just can't do this to myself or Kent. We have barely begun to try and conceive, yet I am behaving like we have been doing this for years. I don't have control over my ovulation, but I do have control over my emotions and how I choose to let these things effect my life.
Kent you are a wonderful, wonderful man. Someone asked me the other day at work when I knew that I loved you. That was easy for me to answer. I liked you a ton right away. I was terrified of getting close to you as I had never had success in the dating world and figured our time together would be short lived like the others. You were different though. You made me want to put down my guard and let you into all of my life, the good and the ugly. Our honesty with one another in the beginning was so refreshing. It took a few months for me to realize that having you in my life was no longer just to have fun. Kent you became my life. When you went to Thailand for the holidays and we exchanged emails back and forth for two weeks it was there that I knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm still scared that you will one day give up on me and my insecurities, but I have to accept that we all have insecurities from time to time and you are here for the long run. Kent, thank you for being my husband and accepting who I am. Right now I am a girl who is pretty scared about the unknown but has more gratitude about my life than I can possibly say. Thank you to my friend who helped me see this.
I've also been wrangling with this idea that a good friend of mine emailed me about upon reading my blog. I appreciated this friends concern about how I am often writing about my dissatisfaction with my body, my life and how much I focus on the future instead of the here and now. I've always been hard on myself. Growing up I felt the need to please my family by getting good grades, keeping the house clean etc to help make up for the fact that I was very overweight. I don't think I was an embarrassment to my family, but I know at times it really bothered my mom that I was so big. My self worth has always been measured by the size of my body. When I lose weight I find more happiness in myself and generally in my life. When I begin to lose control and overeat I become withdrawn and almost abusive to my body. I stop working out, I overeat and my mental state becomes consumed with negative thoughts about myself and my life. My focus over the past few months has been too geared towards the negative in my life. My insecurities are at an all time high along with my fear about the future. I am stuck on a wheel of fear right now that is constantly spinning me backwards and forwards. I'm consumed by getting pregnant for fear of knowing that having PCOS will make this a challenge. The only thing I can do is to find some faith that things will work out. Somehow I will have a baby. I may not be able to get pregnant, but I will still have a baby.
Tonight and every night I need to find my gratitude again in my life and those in it. This gratitude needs to start from the ground up again as I am really dragging and weighing myself down with all of this negativity and fear. I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that my period was coming and that we were not pregnant. I felt OK with it until I started looking at the calendar and realizing that we will be out of town when my next ovulation will hopefully occur and I won't be able to have IUI. Upon realizing this I went into a pretty dark place for most of Saturday and I just can't do this to myself or Kent. We have barely begun to try and conceive, yet I am behaving like we have been doing this for years. I don't have control over my ovulation, but I do have control over my emotions and how I choose to let these things effect my life.
Kent you are a wonderful, wonderful man. Someone asked me the other day at work when I knew that I loved you. That was easy for me to answer. I liked you a ton right away. I was terrified of getting close to you as I had never had success in the dating world and figured our time together would be short lived like the others. You were different though. You made me want to put down my guard and let you into all of my life, the good and the ugly. Our honesty with one another in the beginning was so refreshing. It took a few months for me to realize that having you in my life was no longer just to have fun. Kent you became my life. When you went to Thailand for the holidays and we exchanged emails back and forth for two weeks it was there that I knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm still scared that you will one day give up on me and my insecurities, but I have to accept that we all have insecurities from time to time and you are here for the long run. Kent, thank you for being my husband and accepting who I am. Right now I am a girl who is pretty scared about the unknown but has more gratitude about my life than I can possibly say. Thank you to my friend who helped me see this.
Sabotage & Inspiration
I took a week off from my blog as I felt as if the same stuff was coming to my mind, the same negative thoughts and fears and I just didn't feel like vocalizing them. I felt really pissed about my weight and how it seems like I sabotage my goals. I work hard, it doesn't show on the scale and then I go into a tyrant and sabotage all of my hard work. As I felt myself sort of sliding into that negative place I had to think back to many years ago, when I first started losing weight and what worked for me. The best thing for me was that I did not own a scale. Instead of weighing myself I purchased a beautiful blue coat, something perfect for early spring and walking in park, that was way too small. So small that I couldn't put my arms in it. Monthly I would try on that jacket and in the beginning that just meant putting one arm into it. Over time I worked my way up to my arms fitting, then it was loose enough that when I did get it on my arms could rest at my side. Monthly I would play this game of trying on my special blue coat until I was finally able to unveil it at a party. The bastard finally fit in the winter, and not really the best of weather, but I could finally button it. That jacket, over time, became big, like super big. Like I was able to take the jacket and almost wrap it around me.
It was great to achieve that goal of mine, but my problem was that this goal I had also was a mind game of my happiness. I chose this jacket as my goal and when this weight goal was achieved, I would feel satisfied and successful. Well that did not work, but luckily the jacket is still too big. Over this past week I did find myself eating more and even wanting to have a glass of wine too as I figured, no way could we have gotten pregnant. Again with the sabotage. I was reminded by my trainer that 3 weeks before the wedding I stopped working out and had put on so much weight that I was totally uncomfortable in my tight wedding dress. I worried that something was going to happen and that I wasn't going to get married, so I wouldn't have to worry about fitting in a wedding dress. Such weird drama I put myself through, almost a bit of torture.
The good news is I am seeing this pattern in my life and I was able to find some inspiration over the week-end. Kent and I drove to Portland Oregon to cheer on my trainer and friend Chris as she was running the Portland marathon. This race was a big deal as she has this goal of qualifying for the Boston marathon. Early this year she ran the Vancouver marathon and missed the qualifying time by less than 50 seconds. 50 f*ing seconds. 26.2 miles and to miss it by 50 seconds, it was heart breaking for me. When she decided she was going to run the Portland race, I knew I had to be there. Her partner Shannon was going to be getting into Portland only hours before the race due to work, so I felt like Chris was going to need support. She has been my trainer for 6 years now and has helped me through my weight loss, dating life, training for 1/2 marathons and triathlons. I needed to be there for her, and for me too.
We arrived in Portland and picked her up to drive the course. I was tired just driving the course, let alone thinking about running it. It was decided where she felt she was going to need our cheering and support so Kent and I set out early that next morning to see her. I didn't sleep very well as I was totally nervous and then the spot she wanted us to cheer her on, we couldn't get to. Kent is awesome with navigating and he was able to get us to the mile 19 marker. We waited what seemed like an eternity, and then I spotted the group she was running with. I didn't spot her though, and I panicked. This was her pace group that she needed to run with in order to qualify. A few seconds of panic set in and then I saw her. I started screaming and waving my sign I made for her. I was jumping up and down and then my adrenaline kicked in. As she started running by me I just dropped everything and I jumped in the race. Now I am a big girl and I was wearing jeans, converse, a Dolly Parton hoodie and NOT a sports bra. I didn't care though. I just felt like I needed to talk to her and make sure she could hear me. She was laughing and telling me that she felt good and liked my outfit. I ran ahead, I felt like I was sprinting, just so that I could get this shot.
Here's a photo of me and Shannon getting ready to cheer Chris on!
After we left mile 19 we speeded all over Portland to make it to the finish line. Everything was roped off so I wasn't able to see her cross the finish line. I did see her though as she was exiting the course and you would have thought it was one of my kids out there. I was screaming again as she was in a sea of exhausted runners, some looking like they were on their death bed. Chris did amazing, she finished in under 3 hours and 44 minutes.
What I loved about watching those runners was the dedication I saw. The group that was around Chris's finishing time is sort of a special group of people, not what I would consider to be an average runner. You don't run 8 minute miles for 26.2 miles and be considered average. I don't see these runners as a competition for myself, what I see is a group of people with a goal. There is really inspiration around all of us and I feel as if my poopy attitude is clearing and I am able to see how truly blessed I am. So what if I have PCOS and it might take awhile to get pregnant. So what if I lose a pound a month. Right now it's about taking care of myself and having a good time along the way.
It was great to achieve that goal of mine, but my problem was that this goal I had also was a mind game of my happiness. I chose this jacket as my goal and when this weight goal was achieved, I would feel satisfied and successful. Well that did not work, but luckily the jacket is still too big. Over this past week I did find myself eating more and even wanting to have a glass of wine too as I figured, no way could we have gotten pregnant. Again with the sabotage. I was reminded by my trainer that 3 weeks before the wedding I stopped working out and had put on so much weight that I was totally uncomfortable in my tight wedding dress. I worried that something was going to happen and that I wasn't going to get married, so I wouldn't have to worry about fitting in a wedding dress. Such weird drama I put myself through, almost a bit of torture.
The good news is I am seeing this pattern in my life and I was able to find some inspiration over the week-end. Kent and I drove to Portland Oregon to cheer on my trainer and friend Chris as she was running the Portland marathon. This race was a big deal as she has this goal of qualifying for the Boston marathon. Early this year she ran the Vancouver marathon and missed the qualifying time by less than 50 seconds. 50 f*ing seconds. 26.2 miles and to miss it by 50 seconds, it was heart breaking for me. When she decided she was going to run the Portland race, I knew I had to be there. Her partner Shannon was going to be getting into Portland only hours before the race due to work, so I felt like Chris was going to need support. She has been my trainer for 6 years now and has helped me through my weight loss, dating life, training for 1/2 marathons and triathlons. I needed to be there for her, and for me too.
We arrived in Portland and picked her up to drive the course. I was tired just driving the course, let alone thinking about running it. It was decided where she felt she was going to need our cheering and support so Kent and I set out early that next morning to see her. I didn't sleep very well as I was totally nervous and then the spot she wanted us to cheer her on, we couldn't get to. Kent is awesome with navigating and he was able to get us to the mile 19 marker. We waited what seemed like an eternity, and then I spotted the group she was running with. I didn't spot her though, and I panicked. This was her pace group that she needed to run with in order to qualify. A few seconds of panic set in and then I saw her. I started screaming and waving my sign I made for her. I was jumping up and down and then my adrenaline kicked in. As she started running by me I just dropped everything and I jumped in the race. Now I am a big girl and I was wearing jeans, converse, a Dolly Parton hoodie and NOT a sports bra. I didn't care though. I just felt like I needed to talk to her and make sure she could hear me. She was laughing and telling me that she felt good and liked my outfit. I ran ahead, I felt like I was sprinting, just so that I could get this shot.
Here's a photo of me and Shannon getting ready to cheer Chris on!
After we left mile 19 we speeded all over Portland to make it to the finish line. Everything was roped off so I wasn't able to see her cross the finish line. I did see her though as she was exiting the course and you would have thought it was one of my kids out there. I was screaming again as she was in a sea of exhausted runners, some looking like they were on their death bed. Chris did amazing, she finished in under 3 hours and 44 minutes.
What I loved about watching those runners was the dedication I saw. The group that was around Chris's finishing time is sort of a special group of people, not what I would consider to be an average runner. You don't run 8 minute miles for 26.2 miles and be considered average. I don't see these runners as a competition for myself, what I see is a group of people with a goal. There is really inspiration around all of us and I feel as if my poopy attitude is clearing and I am able to see how truly blessed I am. So what if I have PCOS and it might take awhile to get pregnant. So what if I lose a pound a month. Right now it's about taking care of myself and having a good time along the way.
